The Marketplace of Technique: Open to All

[~Lava~]

It is looking good. I took a class all about writing poetry once, but that was a long time ago (almost a third of my life ago). I have always been a prosy poet, did not do to well with meter and rhyming. In fact, one of my biggest problems in poetry class that only "sort-of" rhymed and my teacher did not think that they were in compliance with the assignments. Maybe one day, I will dig out some of my old poems and share them with you guys.

[Zella]

Here are a few. Not great, but I think I got the rhythm right.

The Dancing Lawn is filled with Lewis fans.
-That gather here from many different lands.

"Fresh bread" is what we call new members here.
-But that does not mean we don't hold them dear.

If Moderators lock a thread, it's done.
-And we are sad if we were having fun.

The Inklings were a literary group.
-I wonder if they ever discussed soup.

[Copperfox]

Actually, Zella, those were pretty good. Thank you, now I don't feel so neglected. Note that your phrase "discussed soup," if pronounced conversationally, goes right against the syllable pattern of the sonnet. Now, even great poets do sometimes take just that kind of liberty; but for illustration, let me say that something like "SPOKE OF soup" would keep the same meaning, yet restore proper meter.

[Zella]

Originally Posted by Copperfox

Actually, Zella, those were pretty good. Thank you, now I don't feel so neglected. Note that your phrase "discussed soup," if pronounced conversationally, goes right against the syllable pattern of the sonnet. Now, even great poets do sometimes take just that kind of liberty; but for illustration, let me say that something like "SPOKE OF soup" would keep the same meaning, yet restore proper meter.

Thank you. I knew it wasn't quite right but wasn't sure how to improve it.

[Copperfox]

Well, that suggests the next lesson: word substitutions, to preserve the idea-content of a poem (or song lyric) while improving the rhythm, the rhyme, or the phonetic effect.


Here are four lines from an imaginary sonnet. In them, I am purposely NOT keeping good rhythm. (Note that I believe the name "Volturi" to be properly pronounced with the accent on the second syllable, Vol-TU-ri.)

Loving a sexy vampire is stupid;
The Volturi might want to kill him off.
They'd tell him, "You can't love a mortal kid;
Sexy vampires must not start getting soft!"

The third line of these four is rhythmically correct; but all the others violate the meter. The words "Loving," "stupid," "Volturi," and (in the last line) "Sexy vampires," in the locations where I've put them, force accented syllables to go where the meter wants unaccented ones, and vice-versa. So in the rewrite, I make changes for consistent meter, WITHOUT spoiling the meaning of the poem. (Note that ONE-syllable words can be treated as accented OR unaccented syllables, as needed in a poem--though of course awkwardness can occur if a word like "THE" is made a stressed syllable.)

To love a sexy vampire is unwise;
Volturi lords might want to kill him off.
They'd tell him, "Human girls can't stir your sighs;
We can't have sexy vampires getting soft!"

The new version maintains the "da DAH da DAH da DAH" rhythm all through. In the course of correcting the stanza, I had to change the rhyme of the first and third lines; but the MEANING was preserved intact.

[Zella]

Thesaurus's are wonderful inventions.