Contest #10 "Dear Glennfeather" Advice Column

Ta-da!
Announcing our first summer contest, namely Dear Glennfeather*, a Narnian advice column competition.
Rules:
1. Q: Write a letter posing a problem or simply a question from the perspective of one of the canonical Narnian characters for the wise but slightly flamboyant owl Glennfeather (*a fictitious distant relative of Glimfeather) to answer. You can be anyone mentioned in any seven of the chronicles including unnamed characters. Your letter should be in the style of one of the newspaper advice columns -- Don't forget your descriptive signature.

2. A: Then as Glennfeather, with directness, style and flourish, you respond to the letter your character just wrote.

3. Q+A Entries will be judged on creativity, humor, and faithfulness to the spirit of the Chronicles beginning July 15. Winners will be announced around July 20, depending on the judging process.

4. Multiple entries are fine.

Creative. This looks very fun

I would really love to enter this contest. Can we have more time?

Dear Glennfeather:

I am a victim of discrimination, hate speech and slaverphobia. Until recently, I was maintaining a thriving economy in the Lone Islands, based on proactive human-resources recruitment. But a bigoted, judgmental representative of the one percent interfered, and illegally ejected me from my office.

Is there someone who can help me sue King Caspian?

Sincerely,
Governor Gumpas


Dear Gumpas:

Go to the royal palace of the Tisroc of Calormen in Tashbaan. When the guard officer questions you, be sure to speak the special code phrase they use there for such occasions: "I'm here to assassinate the Tisroc." Remember that the Calormenes love metaphorical speech. Say those exact words, and I'm sure you'll get immediate action. Good luck.

Best wishes,
Glennfeather

BarbarianKing said:

I would really love to enter this contest. Can we have more time?

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Hi BK,
Sure; I have just extended the deadline to July 15. Will that work for you?

Copperfox,
Thanks so much for breaking the ice! Keep those letters coming

Here's my entry!

Dear Glennfeather,

I was given most dreadful news when a certain star-gazing centaur told me that he had read in the stars that some day others from the world I originally came from would make wonderous motion pictures about me and my relatives, only for the director of the first two of these films to make me look like an egotistic jerk in the second! What's more, these films I am told will be allegedly based on a book series that will be completely accurate to our real adventures and personalities. How can I prevent this terrible future for my former world?

Blessings of Aslan,
King Peter the Magnificent

Dear King Peter the Magnificent,

I am so sorry to hear of your most terrible misfortune!
In reading some wild novels written by half-dwarves (they call these novels "Knowledgable Fantasy," don't you know), I came across a concept that may help you to alter this terrible future. All you need is a metal box large enough to fit yourself in, a talk-a-phone (that's like a cup on a metal wire that allows you to talk to other people a long ways away without shouting) with a number-and-letter-pusher (imagine a flat piece of wood or metal with letters you can press up and down on), and a lightning rod. Once you have these parts, all you need last is a wizard interested in science who should be able to figure out how to make the contraption send you to whatever part of time and space you need. Once in the correct location, I suggest you find whoever this "motion picture director" is and tell them what for! Oh, and bring me back a souvenier please, but nothing made of ceramic. I hate that stuff.

Good luck!
Glennfeather

Copperfox said:

Dear Glennfeather:

I am a victim of discrimination, hate speech and slaverphobia. Until recently, I was maintaining a thriving economy in the Lone Islands, based on proactive human-resources recruitment. But a bigoted, judgmental representative of the one percent interfered, and illegally ejected me from my office.

Is there someone who can help me sue King Caspian?

Sincerely,
Governor Gumpas


Dear Gumpas:

Go to the royal palace of the Tisroc of Calormen in Tashbaan. When the guard officer questions you, be sure to speak the special code phrase they use there for such occasions: "I'm here to assassinate the Tisroc." Remember that the Calormenes love metaphorical speech. Say those exact words, and I'm sure you'll get immediate action. Good luck.

Best wishes,
Glennfeather

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Brilliant, Copperfox! Not only do you make Gumpas try and make the slave trade a respectable and legitimate business, but Glennfeather's reply is superb! Giving that 'password' would, I am sure, merit an instant reaction!

Dear Glennfeather,

As a member of the original generation of Talking Beasts, I feel I deserve more respect than I'm getting. The first male Talking Elephant has insinuated that I'm inferior to him because I have a short nose and snout. What should I do about this?

Yours truly,
Bulldog the First


Dear Bulldog,

I can sympathize with you, since my beak, relative to my body size, is shorter than the beaks of many birds. But all Narnians need to learn that in most things, quality is more important than quantity. You should point out that your sense of smell is not less keen than the Elephant's, regardless of the length of his trunk. And when YOU sneeze, I'm sure no one standing in front of you needs to take a bath to clean away gallons of snot.

Best wishes,
Glennfeather

Aslan's Child_1996 said:

Dear Glennfeather,
I have suffered from what everyone around me thinks is a bad case of pessimism for the longest time. When someone has high expectations for something good to happen, I bring them back down to reality and that makes them think I am always gloomy. You see, I am not really gloomy. I grew up in a large marshwiggle family and my older brothers always got everything. When I would get excited about a trip or things of the sort, I always got left at home. Nobody wanted me to be around and so I started lowering all my expectations in order to avoid disappointment. Now all the people I know think I am a depressing gloomy old hermit. How can I help them see that I am only protecting them?

Not expecting a response,
Puddleglum​

Dearest Puddleglum,
I am so sorry to hear about your upsetting childhood. I had a large family but was one of the older children. I understand about you wanting to protect yourself and others from disappointment, but I believe it is time for you to move on. You are no longer a child and you have the ability to decide what you are going to do and where you are going to go. Stop being "feeling safe" and live life to the fullest!

Good luck,
Glennfeather​

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LOL! I love the "not expecting a response" line. It was genius.

Dear Glennfeather,

Ever since King Caspian got back from the world's edge and brought the news of Reepicheep's arrival in Aslan's Country, my fellow Talking Mice have been insufferable. Everything's always "Reepicheep would have done this, Reepicheep wouldn't have done that, why can't you be more like Reepicheep?" I confess, if I could drag him back OUT of Aslan's Country, I'd do it in a heartbeat (and the hearts of Mice beat very fast) and tell him, "Here, YOU see if you can satisfy them!" It's hard for those of us who have to keep on doing the business of life. Should I quit my position, and see if someone ELSE thinks he can do a better job?

Sincerely,
Peepiceek, Chief Talking Mouse

Dear Peepiceek,

Please try to forgive your fellow rodents who place Reepicheep on a pedestal; after all, even humans do the same. It's a common occurrence after a loss. Aslan isn't asking you to be Reepicheep, He's asking you to be a Peepiceek who follows His will. Just perform your duties with prayer and attentiveness, and the Great Lion will be pleased with you. Meanwhile, there's one way that you can EASILY outdo Reepicheep; that's by fathering children, which he never did. In fact, being a Mouse, you can probably outdo Reepicheep by forty or fifty children!

Warm regards,
Glennfeather

Dear Glennfeather,
I have been having trouble with teaching Caspian. He seems not to pay any attention to his studies, lately. Which isn't like him. He has seem to like astronomy, more than usual, as intriguing as it seems his Father doesn't agree, with it. I really would like some assistance with this problem.

Awaiting any type of answer,
Cornelius the tutor.

Dear Cornelius,
Caspian, not paying attention to his work? While it doesn't seem like him. Remember that he is growing up. He might not like all the other wonderful subjects the same, as you can tell. Tell his father that as long as he does his work, it's probably just a phase. He also will be starting training for sieges and such soon. Try not to worry, about it. In time he will learn to pay attention.

Hopeful Regards,
Glennfeather

Dear Glennfeather,
I am nearing the end of my rope. Destiny has placed me in a hopeless predicament. Being wise as I am, I was chosen from among my kindred to oversee the salvation of Duffer-kind. Yes, though this might sound like an honor, it seems more like some sort of cruel punishment wrapped up in pink ribbon with a side of chocolate. You must understand, Duffers are incredibly stupid – one cannot simply talk to them and expect them to talk back to you on the same intellectual level. I have tried to reason with them and govern them by guidelines that even they should be able to comprehend. But, alas, I feel like it is a hopeless endeavor. How can I knock some sense into these stubborn creatures? Glennfeather, as one who is endowed with unquestionable wisdom to another, I am open to any suggestions (though I am sure I have already thought of them) that you might have to offer.
Respectfully Yours,
The Great Coriakin



Dear “The Great Coriakin”
It sounds like you are indeed near your wits-end; however, I am sure that there is a logical answer to your problems. Having never heard of the creatures myself, I have scoured the libraries to find a good description of the Duffer-kind. You poor soul! I must say, I pity you. They sound completely ridiculous! The excerpt that I found mentioned that “they are prone to following the advice of the witless. Like lemmings they are easily led over the cliff of frivolity. Though creative, Duffers are simply insane.” As far as advice is concerned, I am sure that whatever you are doing now is probably the best viable remedy. Yet, perhaps you could try one more thing: Barricade yourself inside your house to prevent the decay of your own sanity! In all seriousness, however, I would suggest you find a good psychiatrist to come and exam the duffers. Perhaps he could prescribe a recipe of sanity.
Not Very Envious of Your Plight,
Glennfeather

Thanks Copper

I thought yours were rather cleaver as well. And the mouse one had a pretty good message

Dear Glennfeather:

I am fully aware that this will probably never be answered in any widespread publication since any letters that implicitly or explicitly question the morality of our noble monarch are taboo for quite understandable political reasons, but if you, in your generosity and wisdom, could find a way to reply privately to this note, I would appreciate that immensely and would reward you with the generosity befitting a queen.

My dilemma is that I have now heard hints from several people that before my husband and I married, he had a relationship with Queen Susan. I’m not afraid that it has continued across worlds (that would just be silly and more paranoid than even I am), but I can’t help but wonder, especially since I’m fat as an elephant with the new life growing inside me and I’m not as young as I was ten years ago. The king has been so distant with me since I announced my pregnancy to the court that I would almost prefer to think that he is reflecting with longing upon Queen Susan the Gentle (even if she is at least a thousand years his senior) than to think that he is wishing he had married that squinting, freckly daughter of a duke he met during the beginning of his famous voyage.

If you could bring yourself to assure me that I’m as foolish as the average giant to entertain these thoughts, or that it is normal for a man to think of old flirts when his pregnant wife resembles a water buffalo, or that things will go back to normal once the baby is finally born, I would appreciate that. If you can’t do any of the above, just tell me the truth, and I will eat a lot of whatever food I am craving at the time to drown out the pain.

Speaking of cravings, if you have an hour not devoted to answering whiny letters such as mine, please fly over to the Marshwiggles and ask them to send me some of their fresh fish by water rat ferry. Words cannot convey how much I desire wet fish.

Sincere thanks for all assistance (and fish) you provide in the future,

Your Rotund Star Queen

My Dear Queen,

I am truly honored that you would choose to correspond with me, especially with such candidness. I realize that I am utterly unworthy to provide you with any advice, but, at the risk of sounding presumptuous, I would suggest that Your Majesty did not fret too much about the rumors you heard about His Majesty’s relationship with Queen Susan.

Everyone who knew King Caspian when he was fighting to save Narnia from the clutches of his wicked uncle Miraz agrees that Queen Susan and King Caspian enjoyed only a warm professional relationship characterized by the mutual respect a prince should show a queen from the past. Only busybodies whom I wouldn’t trust to know their head from their backsides (or indeed to know the proper piece of anatomy to do thinking and speaking with) insist on slandering two noble monarchs by implying a relationship that extended beyond friendship. Please do not listen to those who would seek to undermine your faith in your lord and husband.

It grieves me to hear that you feel a distance exists between you and your royal spouse, but I trust that if you discuss your feelings and fears with him, the gulf between you will close again. His Majesty may not even be aware that he is keeping himself aloft from Your Majesty. Many men are both delighted and terrified to hear that their wives are with child, worrying that they won’t be able to be good fathers. I wouldn’t presume to know what goes on inside the king’s wise head, but, in his place, I would be especially scared of being a father if my own had died when I was too young to remember, my uncle was a tyrant, and a kindly tutor was the only father figure I had during my formative years. A discussion could bring any subconscious fears His Majesty has about fatherhood to the surface and could bring you closer together.

I will be sending along the fish Your Majesty requested in the next ferry, and I hope they will satisfy Your Majesty’s cravings.

May Aslan bless you and your husband abundantly,

The Ever Humble Owl Glennfeather

Dear Glennfeather,

The whole Narnian world appears to be ending! What can we do??

Jewel the Unicorn



Dear Jewel,

Don't panic! (Pardon the Hitchhiker's Guide reference, couldn't help it.) The good news is that Aslan IS NOT merely "somebody who sort of, kind of resembles an allegorical figure who could be construed as bearing a slight resemblance to a parable character faintly suggestive of Jesus Christ." The Great Lion IS Jesus Christ, and He has prepared a place for you.

Yours in Faith,
Glennfeather

Copperfox said:

Dear Glennfeather,

The whole Narnian world appears to be ending! What can we do??

Jewel the Unicorn



Dear Jewel,

Don't panic! (Pardon the Hitchhiker's Guide reference, couldn't help it.) The good news is that Aslan IS NOT merely "somebody who sort of, kind of resembles an allegorical figure who could be construed as bearing a slight resemblance to a parable character faintly suggestive of Jesus Christ." The Great Lion IS Jesus Christ, and He has prepared a place for you.

Yours in Faith,
Glennfeather

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That was the shortest entry, and the best so far, in my oppinion.

Thanks for all the letters for Glennfeather. My team of judges will be posting results by Saturday

To Glennfeather, Noble and Learned Owl, and Publisher of Events

Greetings in the Name of Aslan.

I am writing this communication concerning a most wretched dream I had a fortnight ago, that has haunted me to no end. I pray Aslan may give thee (and I also) wisdom regarding the meaning of it. This then is my dream sir: As I dreamed upon my bed in the night hours, behold, I saw myself being startled by none other than the High King Peter himself and his royal siblings in the woods which lie yonder from Aslan's How. While observing this event as it were from outside my body, I was vexed and disturbed to see myself engage the High King in combat no less! And as if the fight was not hideous enough, the High King and myself behaved toward one another in a most unchivalrous and childish way, as though nobility meant nothing to us. The combat concluded by my taking the High King's sword and then returning it to him after apparently recognizing him (as if the whole of Narnia did not know who he was, By the Mane!)

Also in this wretched nightmare (for thus it was) I beheld myself acting improper towards the High Queen Susan, being spellbound by her beauty (though beautiful she was) and behaving most unlike a Knight of the Order of the Mane, let alone a King of Narnia. Thus my conduct in these and other such events has made me bewildered and grieved (though it was but a dream) and given me sufficient cause to wait on Aslan night and day.

And because it has grieved me so, I have dispatched my swiftest eagle, Starchaser, to deliver this message, and to await tidings from thee. Please it you to reply with all possible haste sir, concerning this grievous matter. Written with my own hand this 2nd day of Summer Festival.
In Aslan’s Name,

Caspian X,
King of Narnia





Your Majesty,

Let not the king’s heart be troubled by the things you have seen, for early this morning I received word concerning these very things from the Centaur Glenstorm, who by the grace of Aslan has received wisdom and understanding in such matters, and whose gift your majesty knows very well.

This therefore Sire, is the meaning and interpretation as communicated to me by Glenstorm:

“The images of your majesty and the kings and queens of old which thou sawest, were not true images but false ones that do imitate the real thing. These imitations you saw are the selfish and greedy dreams that have risen in the hearts of men from the other world, which Aslan has allowed your majesty to see for His divine purpose.

These dreams are a warning that, while good is always at work, evil is constantly seeking to devour that which is good. They also serve as a reminder to keep thy heart with all diligence, and remain tenderhearted. It is for this reason that Aslan has shown your majesty these things, for thou art also trustworthy.

Therefore I counsel your majesty to continue the plans and preparations towards your quest to find the seven lost lords, for we are assured it is Aslan’s will and that this journey carries His blessing. Thy subjects also rejoice at the peace Aslan has brought us through thine own hand in the Frontier Wars with the giants, and the land has prospered greatly. May Aslan grant your majesty wisdom, strength, and joy in all endeavors thy settest thine hand to.

In the Service of the King,

Glenstorm the Centaur
Glennfeather the Owl