Story(No title as of yet)

oxford girl

oxford girl

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Prologue​

She ran, like a demon was following her, for she feared that’s what it was. She didn’t know where she was going, she just ran, weaving in and out of the trees. The sun was sinking down over the horizon, casting eerie shadows. She had been running for hours when she finally stopped. After a few minutes she started running again, her brown hair flowing being blown behind her by the cold breeze. It was cold and getting colder rapidly. Her sword banged against her hip as she ran, she was tempted to drop it, it was only slowing her down, but it had saved her life too many times. She could feel the cuts on her back being pulled, the cuts she had gotten from being tortured, and blood dripping down her back. She ran for a few more minutes. She tripped. Her head smacked against a rock, and she was unconscious, in the middle of the
forest.




What do you guys think? Do you like it?
 
I clicked in hoping to be able to offer you a suggestion for a title; but the reader has not yet been given enough information to base a title on. How clearly formed is the plot in your own mind? Looking at your opening, it seems to me that it might be a good move to go _back_ in time after this; let the reader see previous events that led up to your heroine being in danger.
 
Tess it's good! But I have one question, in that world what is a demon because it sounds like kinda the same kind as in my world of Eeyeldon... Just a thought!
 
Chapter 1​
A Fortnight ago



The sun was setting, casting an orange glow on two people standing by a horse.
“You don’t have to do this,” a young man, no more than twenty said, rubbing the horse.
“Yes I do Tristian,” the girl said, “I promised.” He sighed, “I don’t care who you promised, its suicide Nia, and you know it.” She put her hand on his, “that’s why I have to do it; I can get in and out with out being caught.” He looked at her hand on his, “you don’t know that, what if they catch you? You know what they’ll do to you.” He looked at her face, “you know there isn’t an ounce of mercy in the King’s body.”
“I know Tristian, don’t think I haven’t thought about what could happen, I have, all the time,” she looked up at him. “I know what I’m doing; you’re going to have to trust me.”A small smile softened his face, “I do trust you Nia, I trust you with my life.” She smiled and glanced tords the sun, “I have to go.” He nodded, “I know,” he said sadly, “its not to late to change your mind,” he said hopefully. “I keep my promises Tristain, and I promise I will come back, and I will have the map,” she said pulling back her long hair. “Nia, the map isn’t worth risking you life, we’ll find the prison,” Tristian said, pleading with her. “Not in time to save them, and you know it Tristian, we never leave anyone behind,” she walked past him. “You still blame you self for what happened,” he said quietly, walking up behind her. “Nia, it wasn’t your fault.” She turned around, tears glistening in her brown eyes, “yes it is Tristian. It was my idea, and it’s my fault that Jacob is with out a mother tonight, I won’t rob him of his father also.” Tristian looked down at her; it took every ounce of his straight to resist pulling her into his arms. “She knew the risks, they all did.” She stared up at him, “that doesn’t make the pain go away.” She looked down and composed her self, she couldn’t be riding through the forest crying, and she defiantly wasn’t going to in front of Tristain. She looked up after a minute, she saw something in Tristain’s blue eyes, just a flicker, but it was defiantly something. She almost asked him what it was, but it was gone faster than it had come. “I must go, I can’t miss the tide,” she said. He nodded, not saying anything. She looked up at him, “I will be back, I promise.” He smiled faintly; she stepped closer and hugged him, blinking back tears. “Good bye Tristain,” she stepped back, “watch over Jacob.” She got on her horse. “I will, God speed Nia.” She nodded and rode off into the night. Tristian stared after her; somehow he knew that things between them would never be the same.
 
Chapter 2​
Nia lay on her stomach, looking down the side of the cliff, onto the camp. The camp the map was in. She sighed an stood up, she moved back behind the tree line. She would go in tomorrow night. Nia walked back one more time, she looked down again. They were down there, all of them, probably still gloating after their victory. A victory that was my fault, she thought. She turned to go, but stopped. She saw something, Nia laid down, she felt the twigs and stones digging into her, but she ignored the pain. Her heart stopped suddenly, it was Jacob’s father, Nathaniel. They hadn’t taken him to the prison yet. The plan suddenly changed. She watched him be pulled to one of the tents, his shoulders slumped with defeat. Tears rushed to her eyes, his spirit had been broken, because of her. She wanted to call him, to let him know that he hadn’t been forgotten. They will pay, she vowed silently, they will all pay. She stood up, now she must go in tomorrow. She walked back to her horse. “I saw him Igno, I saw him, he’s still alive.” She ran her hand down his neck, he watched her with big black eyes. “I will go in tomorrow night, and I will get him back,” her voice thick with determination. She looked back tords the camp one more time, then vaulted onto Igno. “Let’s go,” she whispered, Igno lifted his head slightly, and raced off into the forest.

She sat on the hill, looking down onto the camp. It had been 24 hours since she had seen Nathaniel, she had been hope. But now, looking down on the camp, where thousands of fires burned, warming thousands of men, her hope was rapidly disappearing. “He was right,” she admitted quietly, “Tristian was right, this is suicide.” She kept watching, every moment getting more terrified. “I should have listened to you Tristian,” she whispered. Now all she hoped was that she would see him again. She fingered the necklace he had given her the day before she left. He said it was to remind her of him. “I will never forget you Tristian,” she had said. Now all she wanted was to be back home, arguing with him, or racing to the river. She took a deep breath, “calm down Nia,” she told her self, “you can do this.” She slowly stood up, I can do this, she told her self, over and over. She picked up her sword and slid it into the sheath, her hand rested on the hilt for a moment.
 
wow, this is awsome! You really know how to keep up the suspence!
But one thing though: when I was reading chapter 1, it was difficult for me to distinguish who was talking, so maybe for future reference you could push 'Enter' when a new person starts talking.
Otherwise, this is one of the best stories I've read on TDL! ;)
 
Bear in mind I am offering constructive criticism here.

Firstly, I do not as yet know what to call this either. Though there is something like a double-edged blade stirring within my mind when reading this. Don't know why, but that how it is.

Secondly, the first chapter is nicely done, but (as supermeulen points out) it gets confusing to see who is speaking because it is commonly known to start a new line when a differant character talks...unless of course they had a pause and had said something after their first sentance.
There are some spelling mistakes but that is to be expected sometimes. You can always brush it up in Word or with the Spell Checker.

As for Chapter 2, I seem a little lost as to what is going on and whom all the characters are. This may be just me, but I feel it is better to introduce the characters to the reader properly before getting them involved with the plot. But, it may be rectified in the next chapter....which is hard to judge the characters because they may be introduced further in the third chapter.

Other then these things I notice, it seems you have a good story here.
 
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