A true story about ROTL...wait! It's LOTR silly!

M

Mrs Gil-Galad Took

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This is a complete silly story about LOTR. It's more a parody so don't take it too serious!!!


The beginning:

Well, there was a nice small country called Shire. And the citizens of Shire were all a bit weird. They had curly hair, never wore shoes and they all seemed to have a fat belly. And if someone didn't have curly hair they went to the hairdresser to get either a wig or a new hairstyle .... curly hair. The capitol of Shire was called Hobbitton. Hobbitton was not a large town but it had a lot of skyscrapers and a local theater called Bilboton named after their most famous citizen Bilbo Baggins. Bilbo Baggins lived at Bagshot road (they changed row into road when the street needed a reconstruction) number 2. Bagshot road was a very long street and it had a lot of large aweful buildings. The hobbits were lazy and never spended much time at painting their houses and do all the great stuff. So Bagshot road number 2 had two people living there. Yes..had and why? Bilbo Baggins was getting older and his cousin Frodo brought him to a nursing home.
At one day early September Frodo and his best friend Samwise Gamgee who also happened to be his neighbour and his gardner (although Frodo didn't have a garden because he lived at the 111th floor) were enjoying a good night watching television. They watched the talkshow of Dwarfmaster Who-am-I when suddenly the doorbell rang and rang and rang. Frodo stood up an walked to the door. He was annoyed and said: " These aweful Proudfeet children are doing it again! Teasing me while I watch my favorite tv show". Frodo opened the door and wanted to yell when suddenly an old man with a very long beard stumbled in. He had grey hair and a ridiculous hat on his head. He was wearing a grey jacket and very heavy boots. " Frodo! Turn on the television will you please?" And as he walked on he grabbed the remote and turned the tv off instead of on. " Hey Gandalf! Why did you turn it off?" Sam asked. Gandalf looked at him. " Stupid Gamgee! I didn't turn it off...I turn it...wait! Why is this thing off?" Gandalf turned the tv on. " Channel 2...watch it!" Of course it was the wong channel. Superman III was playing on movie channel. " Silly tv! Why isn't this remote working as it should? Frodo...I told you to get another one soon!" Frodo laughed and took the remote out of Gandalf's hands. " You are getting old Gandalf. This remote works perfect. Now which channel do you want to see?" And after 48 times of switching channels and a lot of " wait" , " yes, this is the one"..." Oh no! Switch it back will you" Gandalf finally pointed at the right channel. " There...there it is! Watch this!" On tv was a talkshow. Ringwraits master in conversation with was showing on the tv. " Look! Gandalf said. Look! That's it! Watch it!" On tv they saw a dark ringwraith covered in black, wearing a long black coat and none of his face was visible. He was the talkshow host. Opposite him they saw a very creepy figure. He was very skinny, pale and was sitting in a wheelchair and had very big blue hollow eyes and a lot of very pointy teeth in his mouth. " Welcome to Ringwraits master in conversation with. Tonight we have a very special guest. He lives in the village of Misty mountains and he came all the way here to share his book " My life with the Ring" please a warm welcome for mister Gollum!"
" That's him! Gandalf said. That's him. I knew it!" Frodo and Sam were looking bored. " What's so special about this Gandalf?" Frodo asked. Sam replied: " Yeah...why do you like to show us this silly show?" Gandalf smiled. " Because my friends.....we are going on an adventure!"
 
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Hilarious! I love it! It has as much screwball humor as "Bored of the Rings" without relying on grossing out the reader! Hopefully, UNLIKE the movies, you'll work in Tom Bombadil--as a forest ranger, perhaps?
 
Given the more urbanized setting, Tom Bombadil probably should be encountered in a city park--feeding pigeons, telling people to pick up after their dogs, etc.
 
I think he will fit that part ;) I'm going to add this for sure :D
So here's another chapter.


What Adventure?

Sam and Frodo looked at Gandalf. " What are you talking about? Frodo said. I can't go on any adventure. Bilbo is having his birthday this weekend so you don't think I'm going to miss the fun!" Gandalf shook his head. " Bilbo had his birthday party last week and the week before. I think you should know this by now. He is getting older and doesn't need to party anymore. At his age.....nah!" Sam laughed. " I think Bilbo has more to celebrate than you Gandalf. You never party". Gandalf looked at Samwise. " I beg your pardon? I celebrated my birthday a couple of years ago and everybody was invited but one shouldn't party too much. Anyway; you saw this show or a tiny bit of this show? Well this Gollum wrote a book about a Ring. He claimed Bilbo has stolen the Ring from him and now he wants to bring Bilbo to court to get this Ring back". Frodo asked: " What Ring? Are you talking about the Ring Bilbo got from the fancy fair?" Gandalf nodded his head. " Yeah, that one. Bilbo didn't get it from this fancy fair. he found it on the floor of the Misty Mountains restaurant. Gollum was having dinner. Two fishes as I remember and Bilbo didn't know this Ring was Gollum's Ring. When Bilbo put the Ring on his finger he suddenly disappeared and Gollum saw this happening. He knew Bilbo had his Ring". Frodo said: " But that's impossible! Bilbo isn't an illusionist or magician so how on Earth can he disappear??" Gandalf sighed deeply. " Because my dear Frodo this is the one Ring Mayor Sauron of Mordor is looking for. You see; Sauron lives in this silly and aweful country called Mordor. He runs a casino over there but because Sauron wants to make more money he created a black Ring." Sam interrupted: " But the Ring isn't black!" " Quiet! Gandalf replied. Well this white Ring - "Black!" Frodo corrected him- okay black Ring is created by dark forces. Sauron is a magician who can do these things you know. This Ring will give Sauron power to gain more money and to controle all casino's in the whole world of Middle-Earth. But one day Sauron got a group of inspectors of the nearby countries to check on him and if he was following the rules. Sauron secretly brought together a group of enemies and started a war. During this war this Gil-Galad (the crazy elf) and Elendil (the old one)
fought against him. Sauron was so mad when Elendil jumped on his toes he took a gun and shot the poor man. Gil-Galad was paying attention to Elrond who couldn't stop laughing when he heard the name Gid- Galal -Frodo interrupted " Gil-Galad"- yes, Gil-Galad and made the elf mad. He was punishing Elrond when Sauron pushed him in his back and Gal-Galid -Frodo again " Gil-Galad"- yes, that's the one; felt over the cliff and we have never seen or heard of him again. Samwise asked: " Cliff? What cliff?" Gandalf said: " That's not the point Gamgee. It isn't Cliff Richard for sure. Anyway...Isildur grabbed a knife and cut the finger with the red ring on it -" Black ring" Frodo said- Yes, that one. But instead of throwing this Ring into the metal destroyer made in Vulcano Metals Mount Doom he took it with him.
Many years later the Ring escaped". " How can it escape?" Sam asked. Gandalf looked at him. " Well, I told you it was a magical Ring?" Frodo and Sam replied : " No". Gandalf looked surprised. " Anyway...you do know now. This Ring escaped and for may many years it laid at the bottom of a River. Later it was found by Gollum's nephew Deagol when they were fishing. Deagol didn't want this Ring and gave it to Gollum. " Here, it's cheap stuff so take it". Gollum became angry because of Deagol's reaction and threw him out of their boat. Deagol couldn't swim and Gollum went away. So Deagol drowned and Gollum survived." " But how do you know all this?" Frodo asked. Gandalf said: " Well...it's written in this book Gollum wrote". Gandalf showed a copy of Gollum's My life with the Ring. " It's very good stuff. I recommend reading it". Gandalf replied. Frodo said: " So this magical Ring is now with Bilbo?" Gandalf jumped up. " That's it! I must call Bilbo. Frodo, may I use your phone please?" Frodo nodded. " Sure, go ahead"
 
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Wow, that is hilarious! :D I really like how you're keeping the characters sort of similar to how they really are, but also making them completely different (if that made any sense). I hope you post more! :D
 
Thanks!!! Your wish is my command :D

Bilbo:

Gandalf took the phone and called Bilbo. " Are you there Bilbo? What do you say? Alright, alright! I admit it was a stupid question if you picked up the phone so I know you are there. Do you mind if I come by to visit you? Owwww...why are you saying rather not? Oh! You are watching football...I see. FC Hobbitton against FC Tookburough? 0-5 for Tookburough already? Okay...I'm coming!"
Gandalf turned to Frodo. " I'm gone for now. I'll visit Frodo - " I'm here, you mean Bilbo" Frodo interrupted- ehm yes, Bilbo. I'll be back later".
Gandalf left. " Don't slam the door Gandalf! Frodo yelled. Think about the mirror!" But it was too late. Gandalf did slam the door and Frodo and Sam could puzzle the pieces of the mirror again. " Sigh....the next time I'm going to add plastic mirrors here or maybe paper." Frodo said.
Gandalf took his old bicycle and rode to Bilbo's nursing home. On his way he had to get himself carefully through the traffic. Fatty Bolger's pickup truck was standing in the way when Gandalf passed the small road. " Fatty! Get out of your truck and let me pass!" Gandalf yelled. Fatty looked out of his window and saw Gandalf. " Why are you still riding this bike? You should already take a wheelchair Gandalf!" Gandalf didn't reply and managed to pass the truck. One of the sidemirrors felt off. " Sorry, it won't happen again!" Gandalf said. Fatty screamed: " Not again? You said the same the last five times!" Gandalf reached the nursing home Bilbo lived. He parked his bike and went inside.
 
More Bilbo:

Bilbo was sitting in a cozy chair. He wathed football on tv when Gandalf entered. : Bilbo, do you have time to talk?" Bilbo watched Gandalf. " Gandalf my friend! I believe it has been 70 years ago since we last met". Gandalf shook his head. " No Bilbo, don't make jokes. It has been 25 years ago. You were still young and jumping around and nobody could tell you were 86. Time hasn't changed you much my friend". Gandalf thought: " Indeed, time has not done anything to him. I wonder how he has done this and can I get the same facewash as he uses? I'm not going to use botox. That's a bit too much". Then Gandalf looked at Bilbo and asked: " Bilbo...what ever happened to this Ring you found?" Bilbo looked up and jumped out of his chair. " No! I'm not going to give it to you! It's mine, my precious! It's mine!" Gandalf stood there and looked surprised at Bilbo lying on the floor. He just jumped out of his chair. " Why are you using Gollum's words?" Bilbo laughed as he climbed up. " I studied his words and imitated them. I can do voices pretty well". Gandalf yawned. " I know about that. But I want to know what happened to this Ring". Bilbo went back to his chair and sat down. " Well, I don't want this stupid Ring anymore. They searched through my stuff because of this Gollum's book. So I put it in an envelope and want to give it to Frodo". Gandalf smiled. " Thanks Bilbo. I will take it to him". Bilbo handed over the envelope and gave it to Gandalf. And when Gandalf grabbed the envelope and walked out of the door. " Gandalf! Tell Frodo he should send Lobelia over here! She will have fun". Bilbo started to laugh. " You fool, Gandalf whispered as he walked through the hallway. You silly old fool". Then Gandalf bumbed into Fatty Bolger. " Hey Gandalf...you don't have to worry about your bike not be able to pass my truck. I changed it for you". Gandalf smiled but as he walked outside he saw his bike completely wrecked by Fatty's truck. " I made your bike smaller. It's much easier to use now". Gandalf screamed. " AARRHHH! Now I have to walk you idiot!" And Gandalf started the long way back to Bagshot Road.
 
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Don't stop now; my anticipation is building for how you'll depict Tom Bombadil.

(I was very annoyed at Peter Jackson for eliminating Tom Bombadil from the "Fellowship" movie. I could have given him a script modification that would have allowed including Tom, WITH his inclusion making sense, and WITHOUT adding more than five or six minutes to the movie's running time in the net result.)
 
Tom Bombardil might not have played a part in the battle of the ring but still he belongs to the story. In the end Frodo was thinking about Tom Bombardil. PJ should have added him into the story. I think he could have left some Arwen parts out. But in this story I'm going to add him anyway :D


Unexpected visitors

Gandalf was not happy and after a long walk (two blocks away from Bilbo's nursing home) he reached Bagshot road 2. Hamfast Gamgee opened his door when he saw Gandalf coming. " Hey Gandalf! What brings you here?"
Gandalf smiled politely and replied: " The same you asked me before Hamfast and no...I have NOT asked if they are going to change the numbers again."
Hamfast added: " But it's ridiculous! They all know Bilbo lived at number 1 and not on number 2. And when they changed it they made 12 instead of 1 and now they took the 1 away and the 2 is still there". Gandalf walked on. " Silly old man! I don't care about Bilbo's numbers. I'm amazed he isn't living on Bagshot Road 123456789000". Gandalf was relieved to see the elevator. He pressed the button but then he heard: " I'm sorry sir but the elevator is not working at the moment". And with a terrible look on his face Gandalf began to climb all stairs of the building. " 111th floors.....aaaggghh".
Completely tired Gandalf reached the 100th floor. " Just 11 to go". And just when Gandalf reached the 110th floor he heard a scream. " Don't you do this again Peregrin Took! How old are you anyway???" Sam was angry and a young hobbit ran off the stairs. He bumped into Gandalf who was very tired but had some energy left to grab Peregrin at his neck. Peregrin screamed:" Let me go you old illusionist!" Gandalf was surprised. " Me an illusionist? I'm not!! My tricks are real and not fake". Peregrin replied: " I don't believe you! Who says you don't have anything hidden in your pockets?" Gandalf started to search through his pockets and Peregrin ran off. " You are right! You aren't an illusionist...you are an old man!" Gandalf stood there for one moment and then walked on. " Hey Gandalf! Come on! We can't wait here forever!" Frodo said. Finally Gandalf reached the 111th floor. He checked his stopwatch. "3 hours and 54 minutes...I'm making progress". Frodo laughed. " Yes, you certainly did it this time. The last time it was 5 hours and 57 minutes". Gandalf took a seat.
 
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Poor Gandalf! But the stair climbing should be good for his blood pressure. I'm still working on MY blood pressure, of course; it would be awful if someday I were in a fancy ballroom, saw a lovely Dutch lady and wanted urgently to dance with her--but started getting chest pains. :eek:
 
You know, sometimes even a thing that might NOT ever happen makes a good motivator. Starting now, my efforts to improve my fitness and cardiac health WILL be undertaken with an image in my mind of you and me actually together someplace, dancing a cha-cha AND a tango AND a tap routine AND something gentle and slow. Just don't wear extremely high heels. ;)
 
I hope it's only the wearing high heels that you are saying is NOT a good idea...because I consider it a wonderful idea to imagine meeting you someday and cordially dancing with you in reality.
 
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