Celeste's Story.

loverble

loverble

New member
Sorry about the un-original title. If I have spelt anything wrong or if it dosen't make sence I am sorry. I have never written a story before and as a dyslexic I am quite worried about it. But feel free to tell me if you think it is bad. It will help me with future chapters. :D


Celeste was short in all senses of the word. Tempered as well as height. The only long thing she had was long brown hair with a fringe that swept to the side and hid one of her eyes. She was thin but not in an ill kind of thin. She looked healthy and was normally fairly angry but today she was currently being driven insane by the preparations for the party being held at her house. She decided to go for a nice long and calming walk. As she was pounding the streets she was thinking about her family and house. They never think of me. They always think of HIM. We are twins but because he is the boy he gets everything. Celeste was so angry about how her twin brother, Keanu, always got everything. They were asking him about how he wanted the decorations on their 18th birthday party. Because they were turning 18 this was of course very important. They were both adults now. They could also smoke and drink if they really wanted too. Not that she wanted to. I would never be aloud. But if my lovely brother wanted too mum and dad would ignore it. I would then get all the shtick for it. It would all be my fault some how.
Celeste wasn’t watching where she was walking and ended up walking head first into someone. “Sorry” She said sharply and carried on walking.
“Sorry” murmured Josh as he watched her walk away. He watched her hips swing and her hair shimmer and decided he was going to like it in this town. He smiled as he walked along the road the way the girl had just come. Then coming to a stop in a new house next door to one with a party going on. Great. My first night here and I will NEVER be able to sleep. Josh sighed and rolled his eyes as he sat down to eat his fish and chips. I’m getting cynical in my old age.
There was then a knock on the door. Huh. No one knows me here. So with caution Josh walked up to the front door and opened it. Then the spitting image of the girl who had walked up to him pushed himself into the house.
“Hi, I’m your next door neighbour. Keanu.”
“Erm Hi. I’m Josh. Nice to meet you.” The last was said with a little bit of a question in his voice.
“I am 18 today. So I was wondering if you would like to come to my… I mean our party tonight.”
“Our?”
“My twin. Celeste. She would have of come but she has wondered off” He huffed as if it was a huge drama that he should come on his own.
John smiled as his suspicions were confirmed. “Sure. I would love to come.”
He sat down and carried on eating his fish and chips as Keanu strode out the door.

Thank you for reading.
 
Being a friend, I don't want to be a critic as a writer so shall make it short and sweet.
But, I can't ignore my writer's instincts...I shall give advice on what may need work. This is not meant to sound mean, just helpful.

It has promise....some minor words mis-spelled and it breaks away too early for my taste. Other then that, I think it is a good start to a story.
 
I said be as harsh as you can.
I used word to do the wrighting but oops. Ahh okie. Well I have written some more and it is longer... I might re-read it first and then post it.
 
loverble said:
I said be as harsh as you can.
I used word to do the wrighting but oops. Ahh okie. Well I have written some more and it is longer... I might re-read it first and then post it.
Click to expand...

lol...I was sugar coating it slightly....lol.

Yeah, like the word "aloud" is meant to be "allowed".

Well, okay, you can if you want to. Your story...lol.
 
Do you think I shoulden't?

And pants to the Aloud thing... Gah... This is why I didun't want to but everyone else told me I should... Hm...
 
loverble said:
Do you think I shoulden't?

And pants to the Aloud thing... Gah... This is why I didun't want to but everyone else told me I should... Hm...
Click to expand...


*shrugs* As I said, your story, your call. Don't try to make me decide for you. lol.

lol...Well, it isn't like we need to understand the story. It just means Celeste is never allowed to be loud and noisy. lol.
 
Well I think this one is really more of the same... More comments would be awsome.

Chapter 2
Celeste was just walking and before she knew it she was back outside her house. Just as she was turning around and hoping to get away before anyone realised Keanu spotted her.
“Just you wait a second!” he yelled.
Celeste sighed when she realised she had been caught. “What do you want?”
“You to come back inside. Mum and dad are wondering where you are” Celeste gave a sceptical look at this moment “And we need your help.” The eyebrows went up at this “Also I just had to talk to the new next-door neighbour and invite him over, on my own! He seems a little older and he lives alone I am assuming. Maybe you will finally get a boyfriend,” Keanu told her. His tone getting nastier until the last comment, which was said in a sarcastic mocking way. He then turned around in his huffy, stuck up way and strode up to the house.
Celeste stuck out her tongue as he walked away. She sighed and walked up the driveway to the house.

Josh have a small smiled as he watched Celeste stick out her tongue. When he had heard Keanu shout he had stood up and looked out the window. He was surprised about the twins. They looked exactly the same but their attitudes and body language were so different. Celeste seems angry and annoyed by Keanu. Keanu seemed so different with her then he had with him. With him he had been all sweetness and nice but with Celeste he seemed annoyed and nasty. He had, had an ugly look on his face as if she was a bad smell under his nose. He wondered if they were always like that.

When Keanu got back inside he stopped his smug smile and put on his butter wouldn’t melt smile. “I found Celeste,” he beamed. He waited for her to get inside and was quite happy to wait for the telling off he knew she would get.
Once inside Celeste knew leaving was the wrong thing to do.
“Where have you been?” Demanded her mum.
“For a walk.”
“You horrible girl. For a walk!? You thought you would leave us and your brother to do all the work and then come back for the party?” Replied her mother getting more angry.
Celeste looked down at the floor. She could feel herself going red. She knew she had done most of the work. She had been the one to do all the hovering and to be the one who did the bathrooms. She also did most of the tidying during the week. But she said nothing.
“You are lucky we are letting you to this party. The way you have been so unhelpful this week. Your brother doing most of the things. The bathrooms and the hovering for instance while me and your father were out.”
Part of the reason Celeste was angry was because she had done this and her brother knew it. But it was her word against his and she would never win. “Sorry,” was all she mumbled.
“You had better be. Now you can go and sort out the drinks. Keanu dear you can go and get dressed now. You have done enough.”
Keanu smiled and skipped up stairs to take all the hot water he could.

Edit: This has now been edited. Thanks Alex for your help :D
 
Last edited:
loverble said:
Well I think this one is really more of the same... More comments would be awsome.

Chapter 2
Celeste was just walking and before she knew it she was back outside her house. Just as she was turning around and hoping to get away before anyone realised Keanu spotted her.
“Just you wait a second” (commar or exclamation mark) he yelled.
Celeste sighed when she realised she had been caught. “What do you want?”
“You to come back inside. Mum and dad are wondering where you are”Celeste gave a sceptical look at this moment “And we need your help” (fullstop) The eyebrows went up at this “Also I just had to talk to the new next-door neighbour and invite him over, on my own! He seems a little older and he lives alone I am assuming. Maybe you will finally get a boyfriend” (commar) Keanu told her. His tone getting nastier until the last comment, which was said in a sarcastic mocking way. He then turned around in his huffy, stuck up way and strode up to the house.
Celeste stuck out her tongue as he walked away. She sighed and walked up the driveway to the house.

Josh have a small smiled as he watched Celeste stick out her tongue. When he had heard Keanu shout he had stood up and looked out the window. He was surprised about the twins. They looked exactly the same but their attitudes and body language were so different. Celeste seems angry and annoyed by Keanu. Keanu seemed so different with her then he had with him. With him he had been all sweetness and nice but with Celeste he seemed annoyed and nasty. He had, had an ugly look on his face as if she was a bad smell under his nose. He wondered if they were always like that.

When Keanu got back inside he stopped his smug smile and put on his butter woulden’t (wouldn't) melt smile. “I found Celeste” (commar) he beamed. He waited for her to get inside and was quite happy to wait for the telling off he knew she would get.
Once inside Celeste knew leaving was the wrong thing to do.
“Where have you been?” (Who is speaking?)
“For a walk” (Full stop)
“You horrible girl. For a walk!? You thought you would leave us and your brother to do all the work and then come back for the party?” (Again, who is talking? Mother...father?)
Celeste looked down at the floor. She could feel herself going red. She knew she had done most of the work. She had been the one to do all the hovering and to be the one who did the bathrooms. She also did most of the tidying during the week. But she said nothing.
“You are lucky we are letting you to this party. The way you have been so unhelpful this week. Your brother doing most of the things. The bathrooms and the hovering for instance while me and your father were out.”
Part of the reason Celeste was angry was because she had done this and her brother knew it. But it was her word against his and she would never win. “Sorry” (commar) was all she mumbled.
“You had better be. Now you can go and sort out the drinks. Keanu dear you can go and get dressed now. You have done enough” (full stop)
Keanu smiled and skipped up stairs to take all the hot water he could.
Click to expand...

Okay, have studied it and only a few things need fixing...nothing drastic.
My suggestions are the ones in bold dark green.
 
loverble said:
I understood. Thanks for your help. :D Life saver lol.
Click to expand...

Glad you understood.
It no problem. I am your Microsoft Word...lol.
It looks better now....yayness. :)
As for the story....yeah, keep it moving along.
Also, noticed the brother, Keanu, always strides or "strode" upto the house or out of the house or into a house. lol. Try differant words so it does not seem like the same repetitive thing over and over otherwise it will not be interesting.
And yes, I know it is a simple thing he is doing but in the big picture, all the little things matter. :D
 
SimonW said:
Glad you understood.
It no problem. I am your Microsoft Word...lol.
It looks better now....yayness. :)
As for the story....yeah, keep it moving along.
Also, noticed the brother, Keanu, always strides or "strode" upto the house or out of the house or into a house. lol. Try differant words so it does not seem like the same repeatavtive thing over and over otherwise it will be not interesting.
And yes, I know it is a simple thing he is doing but in the big picture, all the little things matter. :D
Click to expand...

Yes you are. And you seem to be doing a better job lol.
I am wrighting 3 at the moment. But I have never done this before so I may a) take forever and b) it may become crap. Please warn me is it is lol.
I know what you mean. But I don't know how else to portray that he is uphimself lol.
I know what you mean about little things and all that...
 
loverble said:
Yes you are. And you seem to be doing a better job lol.
I am wrighting 3 at the moment. But I have never done this before so I may a) take forever and b) it may become crap. Please warn me is it is lol.
I know what you mean. But I don't know how else to portray that he is uphimself lol.
I know what you mean about little things and all that...
Click to expand...

lol...I am merely human. I make mistakes too...I had to edit my own reply because it had mistakes in it. lol.

Well, that is what every writer fears may happen though it does not happen as often as you may think. No story can turn to crap unless the writer feels that doubt and starts making large mistakes and plot holes and things. But, it rarely happens.

Well, you can say he "saunters" or "swaggers" or just use strode in a differant term like this: "He walked with hefty strides towards the house."

Yeah, just some golden words of wisdom I made up about little things and bigger pictures...lol.
 
Last edited:
SimonW said:
lol...I am merely human. I make mistakes too...I had to edit my own reply because it had mistakes in it. lol.

Well, that is what every writer fears may happen though it does not happen as often as you may think. No story can turn to crap unless the writer feels that doubt and starts making large mistakes and plot holes and things. But, it rarely happens.

Well, you can say he "saunters" or "swaggers" are just use strode in a differant term like this: "He walked with hefty strides towards the house."

Yeah, just some golden words of wisdom I made up about little things and bigger pictures...lol.
Click to expand...

Lol. I never bother to edit posts unless it is a dire mistake.

True true. Well I will stay posotive and see what happens lol.

Ooooh I will have to keep those in mind....

Lol thats coool.
 
Back
Top