Darthie, a Star Wars story

The Spanish Inquisition

The Spanish Inquisition

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Lord Vader, you seemed troubled," the emperor placed a hand on his hulking apprentice's shoulder.
"I am, my Lord" Vader stared out the large picture window of his ship. From where he was, he could see the Death Star II being constructed. He turned to face Darth Sidious.
"I am thinking of my son, Luke. He was so close yesterday," Vader's voice broke, "And I didn't even get to say 'hi'," Darthie hoped he wouldn't cry and short-circuit himself again. Emperor Sidious patted him on the back sympathetically.
"It's just so hard," sniffled Lord Vader pathetically. "I've felt my son's presence, but I couldn't speak to him. Bzttttzz," Sidious groaned in annoyance as Darthie froze up. He had short-circuited himself by crying. This was the third time Darthie had done this, and the fourth suit he had ruined (the first time Vader had tried to take a bath).
“Medic,” The emperor spoke into a walky-talky. “Lord Vader blew a fuse,”
“Yes, sir,” the metallic-sounding voice of a droid answered him. Soon, Darthie was in the medical capsule, having his mechanical arms, legs, and breathing apparatus replaced.
In no time at all, Vader was up and walking. He returned with the emperor to the chamber with the window. For a while neither of them spoke, but stared out the window.
“I am sorry about that, my Lord,”
“Don’t be. Now, about your son, I have a plan,”
“Yes, my lord?” Vader asked eagerly.
“Take him out to dinner,” said the emperor, “How about that nice little cantina on Tatooine,”
“I was born on Tatooine!” interrupted Darthie excitedly. “Oh, I get so sentimental when I think about it: the pod races, the blazing hot twin suns, the sand castles, the hours of servitude, murdering sand people, it will be like old times,” After Vader was finished with this sentimental speech, the emperor continued.
“As I was saying, take him to the Mos Eisley cantina. Buy him a Bantha burger and a shake. Then, over a sundae, gently break the news to him that you are his father. While you are saying this, smile gently, even though he can’t see your mouth. And say this in an understanding, gentle voice; even though your automated voice box is incapable of showing emotion…just do your best,”
“What a great plan! Thank you, my lord,” Darthie threw his arms around the emperor and held him tightly in a rib-crushing-choke-the-breath-out-of-you hug. Darth Sidious hugged him back awkwardly, whishing that Vader wouldn’t insist on hugging him. Good Gravy, he was and evil Sith Lord. Sith lords didn’t hug. When he finally broke free from Vader’s death grip, the look on Vader’s face melted his heart….well; it would have if Sidious could have seen Vader’s face.
Anyhow, Vader got a message to Luke via the Sith mailing co, “Delivery Universal iNter Galactic”. “DUNG” for short.
Luke agreed to meet at Mos Eisley, on the condition that Vader would show up unarmed. Darthie agreed, and the date was set.
In his transport, Vader was so excited that he couldn’t sit still. He couldn’t wait to see his son. He hoped Luke would accept him as his father, and that Luke would learn to love him. As Darthie’s head filled with happy thoughts of him and his son, on fishing trips, on Bantha hunts, raiding the Tusken Raiders, he smiled happily, so wrapped up in his daydream that he missed his exit.
An hour or so later, Vader pulled up at the Mos Eisley Cantina.
“This has been here since I was a kid!” he exclaimed excitedly, clapping his gloved and mechanical hands. Vader hopped out of his ship and rushed inside the cantina, where Luke was sitting impatiently at a table.
“Dude, you’re late,” he grumped.
“Sorry I’m late, Luke. I missed my exit,” Darthie sat down next to Luke. Soon a fat Gungan came to take their order.
“What can messa get for yousa Ahh!” the creature screamed in terror as he laid eyes on Lord Vader.
“Jar-jar Binks?” asked Vader, hardly daring to believe it.
“Aaaah! Yousa knows my name!” Vader’s eyes filled with tears at the sight of his old friend, but he managed not to start crying.
“Yes, Jarius, I know you. Now get us two Bantha burgers, and two milkshakes. Luke, do you want chocolate, or vanilla?” Luke ordered vanilla, and Vader ordered chocolate. Jar-jar waddled away to put the order in.
“Why do you want me here, Vader?” asked Luke.
“Please call me Darthie,”
“OK, what did you want, Darthie?”
“I just wanted to get to know you, and to apologize for what happened last week,”
“Oh?”
“I’m sorry about what happened with Obi-wan. He was once a very good friend of mine,” here Darthie had to stop talking to gain control of himself. “I’m so sorry,” Just then, the Bantha burgers were served and they started eating. And it was just about then that Vader realized that he couldn’t eat because of his mask. He watched Luke eat longingly. Throughout the meal, they made small talk about the weather on Naboo and the doings of wookies. Soon Jar-jar came by, asking them, quite nervously, if they wanted dessert. Vader ordered Luke a sundae.
“Luke,” started Darthie. “I want to tell you something. You see,” Vader fought for the right words. “I wasn’t always the way I am now. I was once a Jedi, and I had a beautiful wife. It was against the Jedi code, but I married her anyway. No one knew,” Vader took a deep breath. “Soon I found out we were having a baby, but that’s where I went wrong. I was fooled into turning to the dark side. I never got to see my child,” Darthie’s voice broke. “That baby was you, Luke. I know this is hard for you to except, but I would like for you to call me ‘dad’,” Vader could feel the tears run down his cheeks, and he hoped that he wouldn’t freeze up again.
Luke looked at his father. He could sense his discomfort, so he laid a hand on Vader’s shoulder.
“Ok, Dad,” Vader leaned forward and hugged his son. Luke was surprised, but hugged back, causing everyone in the cantina to say,
“Awwww,” Darthie was bawling now, and hugged his son tighter. The moment ended however, when Luke passed out from having the breath squeezed out of him by Vader’s power-hug.
“Oops. I hate it when this happens,” he muttered. Luke revived soon enough, and he seemed no worse for the wear. Vader hugged him again, more gently this time, and as the tears began to fall again, he managed to squeak out before he was short-circuited again;
“I love you son bzttttzz,”
 
kingcaspian said:
Haaaaaa!!!!!! Haaa!!!! So funny!
Click to expand...

Thanks. I tried writing a sequel....I should pick that up again.
Here's the sequel, thus far:

Darthie Goes Camping


“Are we there yet?” Darthie squirmed in the back seat of the spaceship.
“For the fifth time,” answered Darth Sidious irritably, “NO!”
“How about now?”
“Good Gravy, No! Don’t make me turn this ship around,” Darthie sighed and turned to gaze lovingly at his son, Luke, who was sitting next to him. Luke was staring out the window, counting planetary systems to occupy himself on the long ride.
“Thanks for taking me camping, Daddy,” said Luke, “And I’m glad I found time to take off from my Jedi training to come with you,” They sat in silence for a while until Darthie started to sing, “99 bottles of coke on the wall” (he considered beer vile) to keep himself busy. Soon Luke joined in, and they were both singing raucously.
“98 bottles of coke on the wall….” Darth Sidious gripped the wheel of the ship, fuming. How in the name of Good Gravy did I manage to get suckered into this? He asked himself. He let his mind wander back to about a week ago; when he, Darthie, and Luke were in the sitting room of the Love Star (Darthie had renamed the Death Star II, painted it pink, and decorated it with flowers). They were drinking coffee and talking, when Darthie suddenly asked,
“Luke and I want to go camping. Can we pleeeeeeassssssse?” Darth Sidious had been caught completely off guard, and so had answered yes. He was kicking himself for it now, and the trip hadn’t really started yet. They were heading for the Forest Moon of Endor, because it was the closest place that actually had a forest. They had been flying for three hours, and still had an hour left.
“96 bottles of coke on the wall….” The loud voices continued. Sidious tightened his grip on the wheel, grinding his teeth angrily.
“Take one down, pass it around…” Darthie’s robotic voice mixed with Luke’s shrill one, and both were out of tune.
Sidious grew angrier and angrier, until they finally reached one bottle of coke. Then, they started counting from one up to ninety nine. Darthie suddenly stopped singing to whine:
“I gotta go pee-pee,”
“Me too,” said Luke.
“Well, there isn’t a planet nearby, and unless you want to try to walk back through hyperspace to find one you’ll just have to wait,” grumbled Sidious.
“Don’t be so grumpy, my lord,” Darthie said happily. “Are we there yet?”
“No,” Sidious tried very hard not to yell.
“I hope we get there soon! Isn’t this exciting? I mean, camping! In the woods! Will we get to see Ewoks, my Lord?”
“I don’t know,”
“Oh I hope we do! They’re so cute and furry and I like them. They look like little teddy bears. Can I have one, My Lord?”
“No,”
“But I’ll take good care of it,” Darthie began to whine.
“That’s what you said about the Tuskan Raider,”
“I had to kill it,” explained Darthie, “It killed my Mommy,” Darthie gave a mechanical sob. Luke patted him on the back sympathetically. The ship landed on the pine-needle strewn ground.
“Here we are, The Forrest Moon of Endor National Planetary campground,” Sidious was glad that the trip was over.
“YAY!” shrieked Darthie, leaping from the ship. He barreled off towards the outhouse, but soon came barreling back, shouting.
“It smells in there,” he howled.
“Well, it’s an outhouse, how do you expect it to smell?”
“But there isn’t even a sink to wash your hands!” whined the big, mechanical wimp. Sidious sighed and dug around in his suitcase for the hand sanitizer.
“Use this,” While Darthie sanitized his hands, Sidious and Luke struggled to set up the three-man tent.
“Let me help! I wanna do it!” Darthie began to pound in a tent peg, but only succeeded in pounding his fingers. He was about to burst into tears when Sidious said,
“Why don’t you collect firewood instead?” Darthie bounded happily through the woods, until he saw an adorable, small, furry creature.
“Oh look, a chipmunk!” squealed Darthie. He reached down to pet it, but it startled and ran away.
“Wait, come back!” Darthie yelled. He blundered after it through the woods, which obviously resulted in Darthie becoming incredibly lost. (What else would you expect from a story like this?)
Darthie sat down on a mold-covered log to think.
“Where did he go?” he asked himself, “Why doesn’t he like me?” Darthie looked around wildly for the little creature.
“Come to think of it, where am I?” Nothing looked familiar, which wasn’t surprising because he had never been on The Forrest Moon of Endor before.
“HELP!” he shrieked. “I’m LOST!” Sidious came crashing through the woods.
“What is your problem? I’ve been looking all over for you!”
“I-I was chasing a chipmunk,” Darthie began to sniffle.
“Good Gravy, you are so-” Sidious’ insult was cut off by Luke dashing on to the scene.
“Daddy! You’re ok!” He threw his arms around Darthie and Darthie hugged him back. It was a touching moment, and both Luke and Darthie had wet eyes when it was over.
Unfortunately, the “moment” was more like fifteen moments, with no sign of stopping. Sidious coughed loudly, purposely ruining said moment.
“We need to go back to the camp site,” he said impatiently. Soon, they were all gathered around a warm and cozy fire, cooking Bantha Burgers on a stick.
“I still can’t believe you forgot a spatula,” grumbled Sidious as another burger went up in flames.
“Sorry,” said Darthie meekly.
“Why did I have to put you in charge of packing?”
“There wasn’t room next to Cutiekinz,” Cutiekinz was Darthie’s life-size Jabba-the-hut plush toy.
“Couldn’t you leave that thing at home?
“No!” Darthie looked shocked, “He’d be so lonely! And besides, who would play with Sweetiecakes?” Sweetiecakes was Luke’s stuffed wookie (with REAL fur and three different phrases!).
“Yeah!” Luke hugged the beloved toy tightly. “Sweetiecakes would be sooooo lonely, wouldn’t you, you cute little Sweetiecakes,” Sidious nearly blasted them both with Force Lightning, and then realized if he did that, the story would be too short because the author is a cheapskate and pays the characters per page instead of per word. So he needed to stick it out, because a story without a main character is not really a story at all.
A little while later, they were all eating charred Bantha burgers.
“My loooooorddddd,” whined Darthie, “Mine’s burnt!”
“Do you want to cook it yourself?” hissed Sidious between his teeth.
“No!” Darthie raised the burger to his mouth, only to realize he couldn’t eat.
“Stupid mask!” Darthie angrily flung his burger across the campsite, and sat down, arms crossed, and muttering to himself.
It grew dark, and the group huddled around the little fire, roasting marshmallows (Darthie liked setting them on fire) and telling stories. Soon, Darthie stared to sing:
“Kumbaya my lord,” He grabbed Sidious’ and Luke’s hands, and started to sway gently. Luke gripped back and sang along, while Sidious tried to loosen Darthie’s death grip. A sudden crashing sound ruined the song, because Darthie started to scream. Sidious made a lightning ball to light up the area, just in time to see a raccoon running away with the burger that Darthie had tossed earlier.
“See,” Sidious tried to calm the still screaming Darthie, “It’s just a raccoon,” Darthie gripped Sidious’ hand even harder, and began to whimper. Sidious’ eyes began to water from the pain, and he could feel his hand going numb.
“Let go,” growled Sidious with such ferocity that Darthie immediately let go of the hand.
“Sorry, my lord,” he muttered meekly. But there was really no harm done, and Sidious didn’t want to hold a grudge against his ten-times-larger-than-he-was apprentice, so he bit back the sarcastic remark and stared into the fire.
“We should get to bed,” said Luke, breaking the silence. They doused the fire, and headed for the tent.
It took Darthie a good half-hour to stuff Cutiekinz into the tent. Cutiekinz’s gelatinous body just wouldn’t fit inside the small canvas tent.
“Don’t make me burn that thing!”
“NO!!! DON’T BURN HIM!” Darthie shrieked. He squeezed himself into the tent. Somehow, Luke and Sidious followed. Darthie cuddled up with Cutiekinz and soon fell asleep.
Sidious couldn’t move or roll over. He was nearly suffocating because his face was pressed hard into the canvas fabric of the tent. Cutiekinz was pressed up tightly against his back. Sidious wondered how he was going to get out in the morning. He gritted his teeth and counted to ten, like his anger management coach had taught him. Then, Darthie started to snore.
 
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