Essay Proofreading

[marleybug]

I have found that writing essays and then proofreading and finding all of the mistakes is very hard. I know I am not the only one with this problem. So I thought that this would be a good place for people to post there essays and have people proofread them.

This essay on The Red Badge of Courage is very important because it is worth at least a third of my English grade. I haven't finished it yet, but I will post the first 2 paragraphs now and the other three as a finish them. If you find errors or problems please mark them in another color and comment.


The Red Badge of Courage is a realistic book written by Stephen Crane. It gives an accurate unromantic description of war. This book gives examples of the typical kinds of soldiers that are in wars. It also doesn’t leave out death like many of the romantic novels do. The Red Bade of Courage shows how young soldiers going off to war change. Henry Fleming changes when he goes off to war. Henry goes through a fearful phase, a prideful phase, and eventually becomes a “man”.
Henry Fleming is bored of his life at home and he decides to join the Union army. He has been in the army for three months and has not gone into battle yet. He is becoming bored and afraid that if when the time comes for him to fight he might run. He asks some of his friends about running and Jim Conklin, the tall soldier, says he’s not worried about running. The loud soldier, Wilson, gets defensive about it and says he would never run. Wilson is afraid too, but he doesn’t want anyone to know. They go into battle a short while later. Wilson gives Henry a packet of letters and tells him that he thinks he will die. Henry starts off doing well, but then he sees someone run and he runs too. He realizes that he is alone. He is afraid that the others will laugh at him if he goes back so he keeps running. He finds a procession of wounded soldiers and walks with them. He is talking to the tattered soldier, who is severely injured, and the tattered soldier asks him where he is hurt. Henry runs away because he isn’t hurt and he is afraid that the soldier will be angry with him. After some running around and worrying about what everyone will think of him, Henry comes back to the procession of injured soldiers and he sees his friend Jim Conklin. Jim is mortally wounded. He falls over and dies not long after Henry comes up to him. Henry is frightened and runs away again. Henry sees some soldiers running and tries to stop one of them so he can ask what’s happening. A soldier hits him in the head with his rifle butt. A cheery soldier helps a very confused Henry back to his regiment. Wilson helps Henry because he is injured. Henry tells everyone that he was shot in the head. They believe him, but he is afraid that they might find out what really happened. Henry was very afraid that everyone might think he was a coward and laugh at him.

 

[Shadow_Kitty]

I'm no good at that kind of stuff but if I were you I would ask Copperfox

 

[Copperfox]

GLAD TO HELP OUT A FELLOW TEAM-JACOB MEMBER!

I am trying to be meticulous here, even changing punctuation where I judge this to be called for. Thus, my underlining the book title right at the start is not because you misspelled any part of it, but because a book title should be set apart. And "accurate" is highlighted only because I am recommending a comma there.



The Red Badge of Courage is a realistic book written by Stephen Crane. It gives an accurate, unromantic description of war. This book gives examples of the typical kinds of soldiers that are in wars. It { I think the word "also" is unnecessary } doesn’t leave out death as many of the romantic novels do. The Red Badge of Courage shows how young soldiers going off to war { I recommend inserting the word "undergo" } change. Henry Fleming changes when he goes off to war. Henry goes through a fearful phase and a prideful phase, then eventually becomes a “man”. { I changed that sentence because the _verb_ "becomes" is not a noun like "phase." }

Henry Fleming is bored with his life at home, and decides { the "he" was not needed } to join the Union army. He has been in the army for three months and has not gone into battle yet. He is becoming bored and afraid that if when the time comes for him to fight he might run. He asks some of his friends about running and Jim Conklin, the tall soldier, says he’s not worried about running. The loud soldier, Wilson, gets defensive about it and says he would never run. Wilson is afraid too, but he doesn’t want anyone to know. They go into battle a short while later. Wilson gives Henry a packet of letters and tells him that he thinks he will die. Henry starts off doing well, but then he sees someone run and he runs too. He realizes that he is alone. He is afraid that the others will laugh at him if he goes back so he keeps running. He finds a procession of wounded soldiers and walks with them. He is talking to the tattered soldier, who is severely injured, and the tattered soldier asks him where he is hurt. Henry runs away because he isn’t hurt and he is afraid that the soldier will be angry with him.

After some running around and worrying about what everyone will think of him, Henry comes back to the procession of injured soldiers and he sees his friend Jim Conklin. Jim is mortally wounded. He falls over and dies not long after Henry comes up to him. Henry is frightened and runs away again. Henry sees some soldiers running and tries to stop one of them so he can ask what’s happening. A soldier hits him in the head with his rifle butt. A cheery soldier helps a very confused Henry back to his regiment. Wilson helps Henry because he is injured. Henry tells everyone that he was shot in the head. They believe him, but he is afraid that they might find out what really happened. Henry { be consistent with tenses: say "is" again, rather than "was" } very afraid that everyone might think he was a coward and laugh at him. { That final "was" is okay, because in that case it refers to something happening _before_ what has become the present moment for Henry. }

 

[EveningStar]

I would take it a step further from Copperfox. He suggested this:

The Red Badge of Courage is a realistic book written by Stephen Crane. It gives an accurate, unromantic description of war. This book gives examples of the typical kinds of soldiers that are in wars.

I would combine these into a single statement.

Stephen Crane's book The Red Badge of Courage is a coldly realistic description of war as seen through the eyes of typical soldiers.

 

[marleybug]

Paragraph three.

When Henry gets back to the camp he is at first very afraid, but then he thinks of the letters from Wilson. Henry is prideful because he thinks what he did was not nearly as bad as what Wilson did. They soon have to go off to another battle. Henry is still a little nervous. When they get there and start shooting Henry becomes engrossed in the battle. He keeps shooting even after then enemy has left. Some people laugh at him, but then a lieutenant tells Henry that if he had more soldiers like him the war would be over. The other soldiers praise Henry and he is very proud of himself. Henry and Wilson go to get water after the battle and they hear their regiment insulted. They are shocked, because they thought that they were doing a good job. They also discover that their regiment will be sent on a suicide mission, but they don’t tell anyone. They go into battle and many people die. Henry and Wilson see the flag bearer get shot and Henry runs over and grabs it. The regiment keeps charging. Wilson sees the enemy’s flag bearer fall and runs to pick it up. Their regiment forces the enemy into retreat. They are made fun of by soldiers from another regiment. Then a few men tell Henry and Wilson that they overheard a colonel and a lieutenant talking about them. They had said that Henry and Wilson should be generals. This makes them feel proud. Henry is very proud of his accomplishments.

Thanks everyone! This is a big help.

 

[Copperfox]

Leaving out early and late parts which need no corrections (and not doing much of the larger-scale restructuring that Evening Star demonstrated)--



He keeps shooting even after the enemy has left. Some { say "men;" there are no women in the scene } laugh at him, but then a lieutenant tells Henry that if he had more soldiers like him the war would be over. The other soldiers praise Henry and he is very proud of himself. Henry and Wilson go to get water after the battle and they hear their regiment insulted. They are shocked, because they thought that they were doing a good job. They also discover that their regiment will be sent on a suicide mission, but they don’t tell anyone. They go into battle and many { men!! } die. Henry and Wilson see the flag bearer get shot and Henry runs over and grabs { --the fallen flag; if you only say "it" here, that makes the dead man an "it" } The regiment keeps charging. Wilson sees the enemy’s flag bearer fall and runs to pick up the Confederate flag . Their regiment forces the enemy into retreat. They are made fun of by soldiers from another regiment. Then a few men tell Henry and Wilson that they overheard a colonel and a lieutenant talking about them. The officers had said that Henry and Wilson should be generals.

 

[marleybug]

Henry thinks about the last few days and what he has done. He is ashamed of his mistakes. He is ashamed of running from battle, but more ashamed that he abandoned the tattered soldier. He now realizes that he should have stayed to help him. He is also proud of his achievements. He is proud of what the officer, the colonel, and the lieutenant had said about him. Even though he is proud, he realizes that he is not a hero and that he is not perfect. He has now thrown away his romantic idea of war and seen that it is violent and bad. Henry has matured into a man.

 

[Copperfox]

I have two criticisms to offer here which are not simply about grammar, but about the content of what you say.

1) In our time, the word "mistake" is constantly being used to EXCUSE, rather than confess, intentional wrongdoing or sins of intentional neglect and omission. Thieves, child abusers, traitors and even murderers will say "I made a mistake"--as if their crimes only occurred by accident. "Gol-leee, I just slipped on a banana peel, and my hand just fell down into that purse and landed right on top of the money in it!" It would be better to speak, not of Henry's "mistakes," but of his "weaknesses" or "failures." Especially since they're behind him now, he can afford to be honest with himself about what they were. (His original moment of panic when he thought everyone was fleeing was indeed an accident; but other actions of his were chosen by his will.)

2) One of the few things which are MORE overused or misused these days than the word "mistake," is the ultra-oversimplification of calling war "bad." This is bound up with the moral-equivalence pacifism which has been hammered into the heads of schoolchildren for decades now. Kids are taught always to speak of "ending" or "stopping" a war, NEVER EVER of winning it. But although it certainly is "bad" to CAUSE a war, if my side is attacked by an enemy who is NOT interested in diplomacy, what else CAN we do but fight back? Defending ourselves DOES NOT make us "just as wrong as" our attackers. And Henry Fleming most assuredly DID NOT come out of his experiences deciding that his side was "just as wrong as" the Rebels. So you should avoid any possibility of creating the impression that you think Henry did become a hippie exactly a century ahead of the fad. Say, somehow, that the situation of being in a war was horrible, but DON'T say or seem to say that "both sides are always equally guilty."

 

[marleybug]

The whole essay with changes made.

The Red Badge of Courage is a realistic, unromantic description of war as seen through the eyes of typical soldiers. It doesn’t leave out death, and make war seem “fun” like many romantic novels do. The Red Badge of Courage shows how young soldiers going off to war undergo change. Henry Fleming changes when he goes off to war. Henry goes through a fearful phase, and a prideful phase, and then eventually matures into a man.

Henry Fleming is bored with his life at home, and decides to join the Union army. He has been in the army for three months and has not gone into battle yet. He is becoming bored and afraid that if when the time comes for him to fight he might run. He asks some of his friends about running and Jim Conklin, the tall soldier, says he’s not worried about it and will decide what to do when the battle comes. The loud soldier, Wilson, gets defensive about it and says he would never run. Wilson is afraid too, but he doesn’t want anyone to know. They go into battle a short while later. Wilson gives Henry a packet of letters and tells him that he thinks he will die. Henry starts off doing well, but then he sees someone run and he runs too. He realizes that he is alone and that no one else is running. He is afraid that the others will laugh at him if he goes back so he keeps running. He finds a procession of wounded soldiers and walks with them. He is talking to the tattered soldier, who is severely injured, and the tattered soldier asks him where he is hurt. Henry runs away because he isn’t hurt and he is afraid that the soldier will be angry with him. After running away from the tattered soldier, Henry worries about what everyone will think of him. Henry comes back to the procession of injured soldiers and he sees his friend Jim Conklin and the tattered soldier again. Jim is mortally wounded. He falls over and dies not long after Henry comes up to him. The tattered soldier asks Henry if he is ok again and Henry becomes frightened and runs away. Henry sees some soldiers running and tries to stop one of them so he can ask what’s happening. A frightened soldier hits him in the head with his rifle butt and hurts Henry. A cheery soldier helps a very confused Henry back to his regiment and then leaves. Wilson helps Henry because he is injured. Henry tells everyone that he was shot in the head. They believe him, but he is afraid that they might find out what really happened. Henry is very afraid that everyone might think he was a coward and laugh at him.

When Henry gets back to the camp he is at first very afraid, but then he thinks of the letters from Wilson. Henry is prideful because he thinks what he did was not nearly as bad as what Wilson did. They soon have to go off to another battle. Henry is still a little nervous. When they get there and start shooting Henry becomes engrossed in the battle. He keeps shooting even after the enemy has left. Some soldiers laugh at him, but then a lieutenant tells Henry that if he had more soldiers like him the war would be over already. The other soldiers praise Henry and he is very proud of himself. Henry and Wilson go to get water after the battle and they hear their regiment insulted. They are shocked, because they thought that they were doing a good job. They also discover that their regiment will be sent on a suicide mission, but they don’t tell anyone. They go into battle and many men die. Henry and Wilson see the flag bearer get shot and Henry runs over and grabs the flag. The regiment keeps charging. Wilson sees the Confederate flag bearer fall and runs to pick up the flag. Their regiment forces the enemy into retreat. “They gazed about them with looks of uplifted pride, feeling new trust in the grim, always confident weapons in their hands. And they were men.”(p. 109) Then a few men tell Henry and Wilson that they overheard a colonel and a lieutenant talking about them. The officers had said that Henry and Wilson should be generals. This makes them feel proud. Henry is very proud of his accomplishments.

Henry thinks about the last few days and what he has done. He is ashamed of his failures. He is ashamed of running from battle, but more ashamed that he abandoned the tattered soldier. He now realizes that he should have stayed to help him. He is also proud of his achievements. He is proud of what the officer, the colonel, and the lieutenant had said about him. Even though he is proud, he realizes that he is not a hero and that he is not perfect. He has now thrown away his romantic idea of war and seen that war is not “fun”. Henry has matured into a man.

Henry is fearful and prideful until he matures and becomes a man. Henry is afraid of being hurt and afraid of what others think of him. He is prideful of his accomplishments in battle and the comments made by officers. Henry matures in the way he thinks and acts. Henry changed from being a youth to being a man.


Copperfox as to your second comment I went back to the book to see what Henry thought about war. I could not find it. I decided to change it so that it refers more to his romanticized view of war. If I do find what he thought I will probably change it. I do not want to accidentally put words into the mouth of Henry because I have an insanely picky English teacher who would most likely drop my grade by a letter.

 

[marleybug]

A present for Copperfox for being so helpful.

Thank you!