One Poem..

I

Iamnotjustdreaming

New member
My heart is withering for you
You have hung me up to dry
You wring my heart like a rag
The blood seeps through my skin

And all I can feel is the pressure
Of you on my heart
And I cant seem to feel anything
But the excruciating pain on my heart

The blood travels down my chest
I am broken inside
I am breaking down
I cant live without a heart

The blue turns to red
and the red to black
just as the sky
in the dreary night

The pain stops, All is numb
I shouldn't have been this dumb
because I know that you don't care
that I am withering in my chair

I am breaking down
My heart is broken
I cry out
Nobody is there

I scream one last time
desperately in despair
Only to hear my one last heart beat
Before it all drains away

I just thought of one of the lines and I went from there. It is still very crude. It is a first draft that took me about 10 minutes. I want to change the "desperately in despair" line.

Definition of desperate:
1.Having lost all hope; despairing


Constructive Critizism (I can never spell that word)
 
I thought it was very good!!! Good work and I hope you write more.

One tip: for the first 4 stanzas, the last words of the lines don't rhyme; then, for the last 3 stanzas, they do. I think it would be better for your poem if you were more consistent; that is, if you made it a rhyming poem, or a not-ryhming poem (ooohh, what's the word for that?:)).

Good job again!!! :D
 
thats pretty good. but i agree with deplorableword, try and stay consistent. often i keep changing everything until i get just the right fit, but it sounds really good. i like your imagery, but try and think a little more outside the box. other than that, its pretty good, so keep up the good work!

and deplorable word, i think you thinking of free verse perhaps? lol
 
Yes, (I made a post before...it dissappeared =\) I just like started with free verse. Then near the end I jsut felt like rhyming.

What do you mean thinking outside the box? I thought that I wrote it a little out of the ordinary...
 
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