rewriten

narni

New member
i had started writing a story and i posted it on here i didnt like it so i rewrote it and here it is.Please comment

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There was a burning in the back of Alieras throat but she kept running she had to get away from the pain no matter how undeniably thirsty she was. She started to run through a thick forest the weeds felt like knives cutting open her legs. She ran to a clearing in the forest and fell to her knees. She started digging and pulled a necklace out of the ground.

Aliera jolted out of her bed she had been dreaming. The dreams had been waking her up in the middle of the night for a few days now and she had just realized that the forest in her dream looked familiar. She shook her head. She didn’t want to go back to bed or could for that matter she has sleeping problems. She sat up in her bed and turned her TV on. Aliera eventually fell asleep again and when she woke up in the morning it clicked in her head that the forest in her dream was in the park down the street from her house. Aliera decided to go and take a look. She stepped outside in her blood red turtle neck , jeans and old sneakers. Aliera tied her curly black hair into a pony and started to walk through the dead leaves. The roads were covered in a blanket of yellow, red, orange and a few random green leaves it was so beautiful . When she got to the park she ran up to the hill where the little forest was. It was bare now and she started to walk through when it started feeling like knives were cutting into her legs. She looked down and all that was there was branches. Aliera was confused. She came to the clearing and started digging when she found a diamond string she pulled it out of the ground and dusted it off.

The necklace looked old and very breakable but Aliera still picked it up. The rope looked like is was made from diamonds and the pendant shone brightly in the light. Aliera got up off her knees and started walking back to her house. It was thanksgiving today and she didn’t want to be late for supper. She heard her mom call through he back door for her ,so she shoved the necklace in her pocket and started to run. She slide into her seat right in time. Her mom gave her a funny look but said nothing it was to late in the day for her mom to care and as long as she wasn’t doing anything illegal or dangerous she was fine with it. Aliera didn’t say a single thing about the necklace. When she felt a sudden headache or at least that’s what she thought it was it felt like an incredible pounding on her brain. She dropped her fork and fainted it was so bad.

When she awoke she felt for the necklace in her pocket it was still their. Aliera tried to get up but she felt like she weighed six hundred pounds. She laid back down and her mom came in and before her mom said anything Aliera noticed that her mom never looked any older her perfect blonde straight hair never went gray her face was wrinkle free and she never had any physical problems. Her dad was the same way. She had no idea why she was just noticing this now.

Her mom kneeled down beside her and said “its ok hunny just rest . You fainted during supper and your dad carried you to the couch…”. Her mom kept talking but liera didn’t listen she just kept thinking for forty and forty six her parents looked so young. Her little sister Anna came into the living room now. She was only two.

“you ok liery you fell of your chair I sot you you dead”, her little sister said to her very softly.
Aliera stroked the side of her sister hair and said “I’m fine don’t worry Anna”
“ok” and Anna skipped back to her bedroom to go to bed.

It was ten o’clock and her sisters bed time. Her parents went to there bedroom after they tucked Anna in and Aliera stayed on the couch. It was late and Aliera was thinking about her eighteenth birthday in a few days and then all of a sudden she felt the pressure in her head again. It got worse till she felt it in her hands and couldn’t even pick them up. It spread through her entire body and she managed to slide the necklace out of her pocket. The necklace was glowing red and burning hot but Aliera wouldn’t let go. The necklace was pulling it self out of her hand and it tied itself around her neck. The pressure started to get worse her body was sinking into the couch about to break it. Aliera felt no pain though she also couldn’t speak the only thing she could do was see what was happening. She eventually ended up breaking right through the couch and hit the floor in the basement. When the pressure got so bad she fell unconscious. She woke up in a small wooden room and how no idea where she was.
 
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It does have a good sense of mystery to it. Someone once remarked about horror stories that they all involve the reader crossing a threshold from the normal to the abnormal. Aliera seems to have been snared into the crossing by this necklace. Either it is something intended to draw her into a glorious adventure, or it comes from an evil source, like the Ring of Sauron.
 
The writing style is much better. The story has a lot of potential but I think you said a little too much in that post but very little detail and excitment. Try to put more detail around it, specially around your characters. For example, we don't know what Alieras look like. And her little sister sounded so cute but we don't know what she looks like or what she is like. The same with Alieras parents. They look young but so what? what does that have to do with it. Did they look older before? Why is Ariela noticing this now? Put a little more story around that fact if it's going to be important later on.

Another thing: Maybe Alieras could spend a little bit more time trying to figure out the place of the woods in her dreams. Like visiting places and parks and stuff only to finally find out that it was right around the corner from her house or the nearby park. You know, make it more exciting like that.

I do like where you are going with the story. I would like to know what is going on with the necklace so I will wait for you to post more. So far I like what you've done.
 
i had started writing a story and i posted it on here i didnt like it so i rewrote it and here it is.

_________________________________________________________________
There was a burning in the back of Alieras throat but she kept running she had to get away from the pain no matter how undeniably thirsty she was. She started to run through a thick forest the weeds felt like knives cutting open her legs. She ran to a clearing in the forest and fell to her knees. She started digging and pulled a necklace out of the ground.

Aliera jolted out of her bed she had been dreaming. The dreams had been waking her up in the middle of the night for a few days now and she had just realized that the forest in her dream looked familiar. She shook her head. She didn’t want to go back to bed or could for that matter she has sleeping problems. She sat up in her bed and turned her TV on. Aliera eventually fell asleep again and when she woke up in the morning it clicked in her head that the forest in her dream was in the park down the street from her house. Aliera decided to go and take a look. She stepped outside in her blood red turtle neck , jeans and old sneakers. Aliera tied her curly black hair into a pony and started to walk through the dead leaves. The roads were covered in a blanket of yellow, red, orange and a few random green leaves it was so beautiful . When she got to the park she ran up to the hill where the little forest was. It was bare now and she started to walk through when it started feeling like knives were cutting into her legs. She looked down and all that was there was branches. Aliera was confused. She came to the clearing and started digging when she found a diamond string she pulled it out of the ground and dusted it off.

The necklace looked old and very breakable but Aliera still picked it up. The rope looked like is was made from diamonds and the pendant shone brightly in the light. Aliera got up off her knees and started walking back to her house. It was thanksgiving today and she didn’t want to be late for supper. She heard her mom call through he back door for her ,so she shoved the necklace in her pocket and started to run. She slide into her seat right in time. Her mom gave her a funny look but said nothing it was to late in the day for her mom to care and as long as she wasn’t doing anything illegal or dangerous she was fine with it. Aliera didn’t say a single thing about the necklace. When she felt a sudden headache or at least that’s what she thought it was it felt like an incredible pounding on her brain. She dropped her fork and fainted it was so bad.

When she awoke she felt for the necklace in her pocket it was still their. Aliera tried to get up but she felt like she weighed six hundred pounds. She laid back down and her mom came in and before her mom said anything Aliera noticed that her mom never looked any older her perfect blonde straight hair never went gray her face was wrinkle free and she never had any physical problems. Her dad was the same way. She had no idea why she was just noticing this now.

Her mom kneeled down beside her and said “its ok hunny just rest . You fainted during supper and your dad carried you to the couch…”. Her mom kept talking but liera didn’t listen she just kept thinking for forty and forty six her parents looked so young. Her little sister Anna came into the living room now. She was only two.

“you ok liery you fell of your chair I sot you you dead”, her little sister said to her very softly.
Aliera stroked the side of her sister hair and said “I’m fine don’t worry Anna”
“ok” and Anna skipped back to her bedroom to go to bed.

It was ten o’clock and her sisters bed time. Her parents went to there bedroom after they tucked Anna in and Aliera stayed on the couch. It was late and Aliera was thinking about her eighteenth birthday in a few days and then all of a sudden she felt the pressure in her head again. It got worse till she felt it in her hands and couldn’t even pick them up. It spread through her entire body and she managed to slide the necklace out of her pocket. The necklace was glowing red and burning hot but Aliera wouldn’t let go. The necklace was pulling it self out of her hand and it tied itself around her neck. The pressure started to get worse her body was sinking into the couch about to break it. Aliera felt no pain though she also couldn’t speak the only thing she could do was see what was happening. She eventually ended up breaking right through the couch and hit the floor in the basement. When the pressure got so bad she fell unconscious. She woke up in a small wooden room and how no idea where she was.
I like it, especially the ending paragraph, but you need to combine sentences. Like use commas. You put a lot of She did's and then she's. I loved it though! Can't wait for more! And like BK said, detail! DETAIL!
 
I added some stuff
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like something out of a fairy tale. Aliera shook her head and reminded herself there is no such thing as magic, and then She pinched herself so hard she started bleeding. Her eyes widened. Her stomach lurched. The room had a Aliera Shook her head in disbelief. The room was old and swaying making Aliera feel sick it looked certain swaying feeling about then she knew she was on a boat. A young girl then appeared in her cabin who was short with red hair and freckles she was wearing boots half way up her shin and a red laced dress that went to her knees. “he- he hello. Who are you?” whispered Aliera sounding like she was just winded. The girl sat there for minute looking like she was analyzing Aliera then stopped at her neck. The girl dropped her tray and ran out of the room at full tilt. Aliera seeing the urgency in the look on her face wasted no time to try and follow her, and flew the sheets of her and ran out of the room, But was delayed momentarily when her lack of sea legs knocked her to her feet and sent her sliding down the hallway. Cursing her lungs out the whole way she finally came to a stop when she face planted into the wall and got a mouth full of splinters. Struggling back up to her feet she got into a run sliding backwards every few minutes and out her wrist down once to stop her landing on her face then heard a crack. A searing pain spread through her wrist. She kept going to she reached a flit of stairs , and crawled up them with her feet and hands. In sever pane from falling so many times.



Rolling over onto her back the hot sun felt horrible on her already sweating face. All of a sudden there was a sharp poking in her side she turned over and a young girl who looked strangely like Aliera she was poking her with a stick and was just a baby. Who would leave a baby sitting outside on a ship?

“Hey you, the one laying on the ship. Are you deaf. MENTALLY CHALLENGED. ANSWER ME!”.

It took Aliera a minute to figure out the man who was yelling was talking to her. She sat up and pointed to her self staring at the man with a empty expression .

“Of course I am talking to you I don’t see anyone else laying on the deck. Get your butt up here the captain wants to talk to you.”

Aliera didn’t question she wanted to know where she was and if anyone could tell her it would be the captain of the ship. The ship itself didn’t look safe the wood looked aged and worn the sails were brown from years of sailing, it creaked when she walked on the floor, and the man who worked aboard looked shabby. Following the fat man up the stairs that Aliera thought she would fell through at any moment. She reached the poop deck and saw a Short but slender man standing by the wheel. He turned around his face was hidden from his knotted and untidy mane that fell in front of it. He had clear Hazel eyes that were looked out of place next to his blond hair. He was wearing black pants and a long denim jacket with a huge leather belt rapped around it. His puffy white sleeves were sticking out from the end of the jacket. Still taking this Aliera hadn’t realized for a moment that she had bean beckoned to sit at the small table and chairs the captain had . Aliera noticed he was Looking curiously at her so she decided to break the silence.

“Where am I?. Who are you?” She said trying to sound assertive to attempt some control over her odd situation. The captain Smiled at her looking like he had just done something horrible.

“ You don’t know?” his voice sounded like a little boy trapped inside a grown mans body.
“ Well I didn’t exactly plan on coming here you know”
“Well I guess you wouldn’t have it. It is quit the challenge to cross over worlds. You know you look a lot like your dad”
“WHAt “she said sounding deeply frightened
“that’s besides the point I suppose you want to know where you are I would be glad to answer”
“Oh ok”
“you are in a separate world from your own. I Suppose you have figured that out already. Well where ewe are know is know Relondas a ship passage coming down from the north. The over all world though is called, Well I guess it really doesn’t have a name nobody ever bothered. Now getting on with the story our world used to be a peaceful place when it first began until a war broke out due to a greedy king and the necklace you where around you neck.” Aliera tried to start taking but the captain quickly said

“Don’t interrupt me when I am telling a story. Continuing yes ok the necklace was supposed to be a gift to his queen. So he sent word to the miners in tunnels of Orthidia, but what he didn’t know was the person who forged it was an ancient wizard who had powers beyond what your brain could comprehend. He was dyeing and transferred his powers to the necklace hopping his legacy would live on. The king got wind of this and wanted the necklace for his self, but the queen wasn’t stupid and many followers loyal to her only. When the necklace arrived she demanded he give to her and he refused a little boy wandering the corridor saw this and bravely ran for the necklace grabbed from the kings hand and kept running. They were both furious and sent armies looking for the boy but he was never found and people are the king and queen are still looking and before you ask know they are not dead. The boy actually took the necklace to the creator of the world and he took it but to yours. Now every body has taken sides and really just fighting for ultimate power. But there are more dangers in this world then jus humans so watch yourself”

Aliera sat there dumbstruck. The captain smiled again said “its a lot to take in I know but there is more but I wont tell you now your head would explode and again before you ask were fighting for the queen and I feel deeply terrible for not letting you choose your side. I will explain in time why not”

“Ok so the necklace I wear now holds wonderful power that knows no bounds. Do I have the power?”.
“ Yes who ever wears it has his power. Do you have any more questions?”
“Yes. THE first one is how do I get home? And question two is why did I find the necklace”
 
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