The Night Lifted, the Shadows Defeated

Lady of Narnia

Lady of Narnia

Active member
Chapter 1

Seventeen year old Jessie hurried along the dark streets carrying a darkened lantern. From time to time he glanced back over his shoulder making sure that no one was following him. Suddenly, he stopped and looked around, startled. Something was moving in the shadows quite close to him. He held his breath, waiting. Thank goodness, it was only a raccoon. He took a deep breath and then moved on.
After what seemed like ages, Jessie finally reached a small house at the end of the street. He looked around, making sure that it was safe. Then, slowly and as quietly as he could, Jessie knocked on the door.
There was a slight pause before a voice called softly from within, "What's the pass code?"
Jessie replied just as softly, "Hope, Truth, and Light." He waited a moment while the person inside unbolted the door. The door opened just wide enough for the person inside to peer out. A boy, about Jessie's age, looked out cautiously. He looked relieved when he saw Jessie.
"Oh," he said, "it's you, Jessie."
"Of course it's me,"Jessie replied. "Who'd you think it was?"
"You can never tell these days," the other replied, and he motioned for Jessie to come inside. Once Jessie had come in, the boy turned and bolted the door once more. Jessie then followed the other into the next room.
 
This story came to one day when I was very bored and had nothing else to do. It is about a group of people who live in a country whose government has gone completely sour. But I can't tell you much just yet, more about was is going on will unfold shortly.
 
The Inquisition's Critique

Seventeen year old Don't tell me he's 17 years old. Most of the time in a story, age doesn't matter.Jessie hurried along the dark streets carrying a darkened lantern. From time to time he glanced back over his shoulder making sure that no one was following him. Suddenly, he stopped and looked around, startled. Something was moving in the shadows quite close to him. try describing it in a sequence. He hears a noise, THEN he stops. It's less confusing for the readerHe held his breath, waiting. Thank goodness, it was only a raccoon. He took a deep breath and then moved on. If he was holding his breath, he couldn't take a deep one...
After what seemed like ages, Jessie finally reached a small house at the end of the street. He looked around, making sure that it was safe. Then, slowly and as quietly as he could, Jessie knocked on the door.
There was a slight pause before a voice called softly from within, "What's the pass code?" I don't think you can whisper through a door, unless the wood is very thin.
Jessie replied just as softly, "Hope, Truth, and Light." It could still be overheard, even if he's talking quietly...He waited a moment while the person inside unbolted the door. The door opened just wide enough for the person inside You don't need to keep saying "inside" just say the Person, and we'll get it.to peer out. A boy, about Jessie's age, looked out cautiously. He looked relieved when he saw Jessie.
"Oh," he said, "it's you, Jessie."
"Of course it's me,"Jessie replied. "Who'd you think it was?"
"You can never tell these days," the other replied, and he motioned You could say this in one word "motioning for Jessie..." for Jessie to come inside. Once Jessie had come in, the boy turned and bolted the door once more. Jessie then followed the other into the next room.

Not a bad start. I just like to nit-pick. Couple things:
1. Pronouns are ok. You don't need to say Jessie's name all the time. "he" is expectable. (just be careful where you use pronouns to avoid confusion)
2.Try and get inside the character's head a bit...(I know, it's tough when youve only just invented him and don't know much about him..)

So far, interesting. Keep it up.
 
TSI, thank you very much for your advise. About telling the ages of my characters, well, I do that a lot.
Nessa, I am very glad that you liked it. This story will be moving a little bit slower than the other one because I am still working on chapter 2.
 
Copperfox said:
Pronouns, indeed. Avoid: "When he saw him, he told him that he had his hat."
Click to expand...

Well, yes. But it also gets annoying to hear: Billybobby went for a walk. On his walk, Billybobby saw a fox. Billybobby thought the fox was cute.
"I'm going to catch that fox," said Billybobby. So Billybobby made a snare. Later, Billybobby checked his snare. It had, in fact caught a fox.
"Yay!" said Billybobby, "I have caught a fox," And Billybobby picked up the fox, which bit him.
"Ouch," said Billybobby, "Now I've got rabies." Then, Billybobby died...

So pronouns do have a place....
 
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