The other purple meat

Laurel

Laurel

Member
This is the story of the cheese chicken. Cheese chickens look about like normal chickens, but they don't lay eggs. Instead, they secrete orange milk from their feathers, which are plaid. This milk tastes like purple meat. The cheese chickens can also be butchered and eaten, and cheese chicken producers like to promote this delicacy as "the other purple meat". It is, obviously, purple, and it tastes like cheese. Hence, cheese chickens.

Cheese chickens do not require food or water, but raising them is nevertheless time-consuming. They get their energy from being thrown against brick walls, rather than food. This must be done at least 93 times per day, per chicken. They convert the motion of being thrown and the energy produced by their slamming into the wall into their orange milk and purple meat.

Finally, cheese chickens reproduce by spontaneously cloning. They never do it when anyone is watching, so we don't know how. But, if you raise cheese chickens, chances are that one night you'll go to bed with one cheese chicken and wake up in the morning with approximately 86. The exact number of clones varies between individuals, but it can be increased by prolonged exposure to radioactive materials.

The story of the cheese chicken. The other purple meat.
*bows*
 
The reason why more people have not heard about cheese chickens is that a crooked labor union has exclusive control over the job of throwing the chickens against brick walls. Not only is there a limited number of persons allowed to throw the cheese chickens, but the walls they are thrown against have to have been built by union bricklayers. Besides, in view of the purple taste, each chicken-thrower has to watch the entire movie "The Color Purple" before every work shift. All of this, of course, greatly reduces purple productivity.
 
Now I'm getting a craving for that other purple meat, the desert penguin. Haven't had that since I was a little girl.
 
My family could never afford Purple Meat. It's a tragic fact, but true.

(btw if you ever meet a lass who goes by Cakey... you two will get along swimmingly)
 
Look at all of this! So many people cannot afford the other purple meat because of the unionization of its production. We must free the cheese chicken industry so that every farm in the infinitverse (way better than just universe) can produce them if they choose! Who's with me? CHARGE!!!!
 
Lead on, Laurel! I shall be with you, hurling cream pies at the corrupt union bosses (while wishing forlornly that corrupt union bosses ONLY existed in this Duffer topic).
 
So, the way I see it, we have two options for defeating these union bosses. First, we could assault them with cream pies and uberturnips (which sounds exciting, but could someone tell me what an uber turnip even is?). Or, we could plant pixy stix in their office and call the SWAT team. Then, the SWAT team would destroy them for us. They really don't like pixy stix (by the way, never ever ever spell pixy stix with pixy ending in -ie, or the SWAT team will get you. They are watching.) The first option could be more exciting, but with the second option we could use the SWAT team's distraction as an opportunity to take back all the pixy stix that they have confiscated (there's a lot, believe me. Because 98% of them are mine, so I know that there's at least 83 trillion of them.) Then, we could eat them all very very quickly and see what happens! I'm guessing spontaneous explosions that will allow us to rule the world, though we must always obey Marbles Aspensong Aspen Honorary Dapple Stripey Kally Tibbs, the Empress and Ruler of the Infinitverse. She's a kitten.
 
Laurel said:
Great! You appear to be a kitten as well; you can help interpret the commands from our leader, the Empress Marbles.
Click to expand...

Ok!:D

Flower: Ooo, cool! I have a brother named Marble. Well actually two....
Marble: Why am I here?
Flower: 'Cuz you and the Empress Marbles have the same name.:D
Marble: Oh, her. We had a run-in a few months back. Nice cat.
Flower: We?
Marble: Yeah me and Zippy.
Flower: Oooh this is gettin' better and better....
 
Hmmm...This thread has not quite yet degenerated into the utter insanity which I had invisioned for it. I wonder how I can facilitate its descent into lunacy. Possibly by using momentous forms of communication and quite intriguing words. However, one phrase needs no improvement. Cheese chickens forever!!!
 
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Laurel said:
Hmmm...This thread has not quite yet degenerated into the utter insanity which I had invisioned for it. I wonder how I can facilitate its descent into lunacy. Possibly by using momentous forms of communication and quite intriguing words. However, one phrase needs no improvement. Cheese chickens forever!!!
Click to expand...

Caspian: Why didn't you SAY you wanted us to be utterly insane! FIRE UP THE TOMATO CANNON KITS!
Milky: Rweady to fire!
Caspian: FIRE! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *shoots tomatos around the room*
O'Malley: *secretly slips tomato bomb into tomato cannon*
Caspian: *unknowingly shoots tomato bomb*
tomato bomb- *bounces back and forth on the walls until coming and hitting Caspian*
Caspian: *with tomato all over his face* Uhhh, I meant to do that....
O'Malley: Can we shoot the cheese chickens now?
Oreo: Can the cheese from the cheese chickens be made into cweese whiz?
Milky: hey look I see people watching us from dose bushes!
Caspian: What happens if you shoot the SWAT team?
me: (just guessing) YOU GET LOCKED BACK UP IN THE INSANE ASYLUM WITH DR. BYRNE FOR YOUR GUARD AND ONLY GET FEED CHEESE CHICKENS!
Caspian: Drat.
 
Suddenly a man in a business suit confronts Mozart, huffing: "Stop this unauthorized activity! I represent the International Brotherhood of Tomato Cannon Operators, and I'm here to enforce exclusive union rights. If you want to fire that tomato cannon, you must immediately pay $200,000,000 in union dues to the I.B.T.C.O., or else we will confiscate--"

This is as far as he gets before he disappears into an oatmeal pit dug by the Dwarves from the "War" thread.
 
Copperfox said:
Suddenly a man in a business suit confronts Mozart, huffing: "Stop this unauthorized activity! I represent the International Brotherhood of Tomato Cannon Operators, and I'm here to enforce exclusive union rights. If you want to fire that tomato cannon, you must immediately pay $200,000,000 in union dues to the I.B.T.C.O., or else we will confiscate--"

This is as far as he gets before he disappears into an oatmeal pit dug by the Dwarves from the "War" thread.
Click to expand...

Caspian: *peers down into hole* nyah! *shoots tomato down into hole that hits the man on the face*
Flower: *snickers*
 
But no! The union man was only a distraction sent by the SWAT team! Oh, the horror! Because while Caspian and Flower are watching the union guy flail around in the oatmeal pit and cover him with tomatoes, the SWAT team throws a net on them and captures them all! They find Empress Marbles and me in the pixy stix deprivation cell that they are thrown into.
"Hi guys!" I say, "Empress Marbles told me to get come out of my hiding place in the trapdoor (not through the trapdoor; in the trapdoor) under the painting of Abraham Lincoln in Siberia so we could infiltrate the SWAT team headquarters. Unfortunately, we all got caught. But I smuggled in pixy stix, cheese chickens, and tomato-cream pies. Now comes the fun part!" *evil grin*
Ok, everybody, eat all the pixy stix and hope for an explosion! This is exciting!
 
Flower: An..... explosion? Like a Mt. Doom size explosion? Like Mt. Doom when they destroyed the Ring size Explosion?
Caspian: Oh no now you got her started.:rolleyes:
Flower: FIRE IN THE HOLE! *ignites tomato cannon and shoots out pixy sticks*
Caspian: o_O
Flower: FIRE TWO! *shoots plastic ring out of tomato cannon*
Caspian: O.O
Flower: FIRE THREE! *shoots herself out of cannon*
Caspian: Wait, this is 1. crazy, 2. strange, 3. disturbing, and 4. stupid! We have MOZART!
Mozart: You called?

*BOOM*

Mozart: I think I just made the SWAT team really mad... *giggles* I stole their pixy sticks and then got the key and found a secret exit to get out of. Hey Flower what were you doing itn here anyway? Nevermind I don't wanna know. *frees everyone* Now RUN!
 
Yay! I'll carry Empress Marbles! See, her plan was a good one after all. Oops. I just dropped the empress. Sorry, Empress Marbles! You'll have to walk. I'm shaking so much from the sugar rush I can't see straight! Yippee! Ah! *runs in lots of tiny circles so fast that it creates a sonic boom* Ooh, there's another union guy! I'll take care of him!

union guy: "Halt! There is a union of escapees from the SWAT team insane asylum! And I'm in charge! So, you're not allowed to escape until you pay 200,000,000,000 pixy stix as dues."
Me: Why? Whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy? (still on a sugar high) And did you say insane asylum?
Him: Yes. And you must pay me because. I'm in charge.
Me: OK! *ricochets off the wall at supersonic speeds and crashes into the union guy, sending him falling into the tomato cannon, which rolls backwards into a pit of oatmeal cookies!* Oops. Wrong pit. That one's too yummy.
union guy: No! I'm allergic to oatmeal cookies! They make me turn traitor to my union!
me: Never mind. That was the right pit after all. Sorry about him ruining your tomato cannon and all, Mozart & co., but I'm sure we can buy you another one on the black market with all our new pixy stix. Although, I see a very shiny Trash Can there...perhaps it could work as a new tomato cannon? My uncle is very talented at making things like that. He made a catapult that actually works (unlike HB & co.'s) out of fence posts. Let's bring the Trash Can with us!

(I read about the Trash Can in another Duffer thread. And, Copperfox, what is with all these union people! They're coming out of the walls here! I think your original one is breeding. Kinda like cheese chickens. They clone by a factor of 84 or so.)
 
Yes, the crooked unions ARE coming out of the walls. Thanks to movies endlessly harping on ONLY "the evil business corporations," crooked unions have enjoyed a free ride. But the Dwarves, as believers in free enterprise, are on your side against such neo-Marxist thugs.

~ ~ Sprays a special Dwarvish chemical all over the weapons of the SWAT team, changing all their bullets into styrofoam packing-peanuts
 
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