The The Moon Shines and Fades and Returns in Time

Lila

Lila

New member
Yeah... well... I think I just got over my Writer's Block, because suddenly I began typing furiously and this was the result, although it stinks. I need some harsh critiquing. This might grow into a story, it might not. It's just something I wrote. EDIT: Gaahhh! As always, I messed up the title. There's only one 'the'...


“If you knew my innermost emotions, you’d banish me from this Earth.”
“If you could know my innermost emotions, you’d make me come after you.”
“Unlikely. Get out of my sight.”
Her wedding dress was red as the blood that pumped inside her throbbing heart. His handsome suit was as black and sharp and clean as the night sky. Their love for each other was like the crisp light of the moon that faded and returned in time.
Her name was Eve. His name was James. They were in love.
“Why am I here now, may I ask? How is it that I still manage to love you with all my remaining sanity? James, answer me!”
James smirked. “Because this is a circle that will never meet its end.”
“But why can’t the circle break? Tell me why we cannot end this love and find joy in something else. Tell me why we are trapped like this, unwillingly…”
“My love, I am not trapped against my will. I am trapped gladly.”
 
They stared at one another beneath the stars. He was smirking slightly, as if true love were humorous. She was glaring at him in disbelief, her flaming red hair whipping the edges of her face.
Time passed, and the moon waned and waxed and disappeared, and repeated its pattern far too many times before either of them spoke.
“James,” Eve whispered, when the moon was once again full.
He nodded, his smirk twisted into a warm smile.
“You love me… truly, then?”
“Yes,” he replied in what was barely a whisper. And then, the moon began to fade, for the light of day was returning.
And she gasped, for her true love’s body was slowly fading with the moon. And it made her lips slowly separate, the lips that were as red as her hair and her dress and her blood. And her eyes, which were once a striking blue, were slowly gaining a crimson hue.
“Don’t leave me!” she shrieked, her voice cracking in panic.
His lips moved, but of course there was no sound.
 
Yay for you! writers block sucks.
The dialouge is awesome; the only thing I would fix is the descriptions. Some of them are a bit of an over-kill.

Their love for each other was like the crisp light of the moon that faded and returned in time.
Click to expand...

I like that one, but its a bit of a stretch; I don't see how the light of the moon is like thier love. Maybe if you said the MOON was like thier love, rising and falling with time, that would make more sense to me.

*applause*
keep if up, if you can :)
 
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^Thanks Lost Dreamer!! I was actually hoping that you would read this... I'm really desperate for advice. Thanks for the tip.

Here's some more..

And in time, the sun arose and he was completely gone. In her pain and sorrow, Eve dropped to her knees and tightly grasped the bouquet of roses that had been for the wedding…
The wedding.
Oh, if she had only married him then, if they had only been bonded in matrimony before the coming of the dawn that took her love away. Now she could never be sure if he would return. Perhaps he would, in ten thousand years or ten seconds. But she was presently alone and broken.
She attempted to recall how the ceremony had gone before it had all shattered…

It had been an enchanting, everlasting melody… the wedding bells had been ringing softly in harmony with the harps and violins. The cathedral had been lavishly decorated with white and red roses, along with hundreds of slowly burning candles. The pews were empty, save for one lone woman at the very back. She was dressed all in black lace, and wore a veil that hid her face.
And then the bride entered, wearing her dress that matched the color of her hair and her lips and her blood. Her presence completed the scene, but put the beauty of the roses to shame. Her husband-to-be glanced at her from the other side of the vast room, his pride swelling and jumbling his thoughts, so that he could only think of the woman he loved…
But the woman dressed in black kept her eyes on the ground. She didn’t seem to have a desire to be witnessing the ceremony…
When the bride had reached the altar and took her place beside the groom, the priest stepped forward. “I persuade any individual here who objects to the joining in matrimony of this man and woman to please speak now.”
The room was silent, until the woman in black stood. She paused slightly before striding down the aisle, her long veil and dress trailing behind her.
 
No problem :) If you don't mind me asking, why are you so desperate for edits?

So this new section was good too, very surreal and poignant. The flashback was a little choppy. You kept saying "had been" which clogged everything up a bit

It had been an enchanting, everlasting melody… the wedding bells had been ringing softly...the cathedral had been lavishly decorated...
Click to expand...

I would just change it to something like "the wedding bells rang softly in harmony with violins, a sweet, enchanting melody...the cathedral was lavishly decorated..." etc.

I think the imagery here is great. Keep it up! I hope I helped :rolleyes:
 
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