*~Luthien~*
New member
I need some seriouse feed back on this first two chapters of my new story The Torn Brothers. Its a fantasy about accepting others. Here is the prolouge first:
Prologue: Brothers Broken
In the land of Amras, deep in the Rena Mountains dwelled the city Armen. The city was ruled by King Buran; the greatest of kings. King Buran defended the city since he was a young knight and rightfully took the throne after his father passed. Though his forces were strong, King Buran was always cautious. Protecting his people was very important to him. His greatest enemy was Narseh. Narseh was King Buran’s younger brother and most trusted knight. But when Buran was crowned King, Narseh grew angry and left the city, believing that he was the rightful king. In the past during childhood, Buran was always favored more by their father. He was masterfully skilled in swordsmanship as well as archery. Narseh was never that talented at barbaric skills like his brother, but he was full of heart. He loved everyone around him. As he grew older he was treated as an outsider because he lacked the skills of heroism. He was made fun of and tormented. He was called a weak prince and the people did not accept them. Soon Narseh filled his heart with the darkness of hate and let evil fill his thoughts. He began to treat people as they treated him. Soon people began to fear him and he lost all his chances of becoming the next king. So he left to find acceptance. Months had passed after the disappearance of Narseh and King Buran worried for his younger brother. He went out in search for him but to his surprise his brother had become leader of the most terrible clan of beings; the wartocks. These creatures were nasty in both appearance and ways of living. They had black hearts and shared no compassion for the innocent. The king confronted his brother in this matter but was almost killed in the process. Upon a dragon’s back Narseh chased his brother out of the Fëanor woods and forever became an enemy to his own people. The king was outraged by his brother’s foolishness, but most of all he felt heartbroken for the way he had treated his brother in the past.
Battles broke out between Buran and Narseh, but the city of Armen was never taken by the wartocks. Buran’s forces were too strong, and the cities walls stood to thick for the creatures to pass. Not even Narseh’s dragon could get past the archers without them splintering its wings. So Narseh and his army retreated to unknown lands.
Armas was a vast land. It stretched far and wide and most of it was still undiscovered by the two brothers. Narseh set out with his army to see what mysteries lie within the lands. They traveled far, thousands of miles. Their numbers grew as a new race joined them. They were the Arx warriors. They had the heads of a flesh craving black dog and the body of a man and their knowledge in magic and spells gave him the ultimate advantage. Narseh’s evil grew more and more, it poisoned his mind and turned him into something he wasn’t. He turned his back on what lied in his heart and denied his wrong doings. His hatred for his brother’s kingdom built his dark army and spilt blood across the lands. He swept the land slaying all in his path. They discovered the centaurs and fauns. Narseh was amazed by their strength and soon began to enslave them, using them to build his empire of black stone. Some fled, escaping Narseh and his army. Others tried to fight against him, but their strength could not hold up against Narseh’s. The escaped centaurs and fauns scattered about the land. Some retreated to the forest and others traveled across the land to the coast. Back in Armen the king prepared forces in case his brother were ever to attack, but while he waited for his brother his wife gave birth to two children. Princess Arianna and Prince Hedlund. They would be educated quickly and trained to handle the sword in case the day of battle would ever come against the two brothers. The brothers that were broken.
Prologue: Brothers Broken
In the land of Amras, deep in the Rena Mountains dwelled the city Armen. The city was ruled by King Buran; the greatest of kings. King Buran defended the city since he was a young knight and rightfully took the throne after his father passed. Though his forces were strong, King Buran was always cautious. Protecting his people was very important to him. His greatest enemy was Narseh. Narseh was King Buran’s younger brother and most trusted knight. But when Buran was crowned King, Narseh grew angry and left the city, believing that he was the rightful king. In the past during childhood, Buran was always favored more by their father. He was masterfully skilled in swordsmanship as well as archery. Narseh was never that talented at barbaric skills like his brother, but he was full of heart. He loved everyone around him. As he grew older he was treated as an outsider because he lacked the skills of heroism. He was made fun of and tormented. He was called a weak prince and the people did not accept them. Soon Narseh filled his heart with the darkness of hate and let evil fill his thoughts. He began to treat people as they treated him. Soon people began to fear him and he lost all his chances of becoming the next king. So he left to find acceptance. Months had passed after the disappearance of Narseh and King Buran worried for his younger brother. He went out in search for him but to his surprise his brother had become leader of the most terrible clan of beings; the wartocks. These creatures were nasty in both appearance and ways of living. They had black hearts and shared no compassion for the innocent. The king confronted his brother in this matter but was almost killed in the process. Upon a dragon’s back Narseh chased his brother out of the Fëanor woods and forever became an enemy to his own people. The king was outraged by his brother’s foolishness, but most of all he felt heartbroken for the way he had treated his brother in the past.
Battles broke out between Buran and Narseh, but the city of Armen was never taken by the wartocks. Buran’s forces were too strong, and the cities walls stood to thick for the creatures to pass. Not even Narseh’s dragon could get past the archers without them splintering its wings. So Narseh and his army retreated to unknown lands.
Armas was a vast land. It stretched far and wide and most of it was still undiscovered by the two brothers. Narseh set out with his army to see what mysteries lie within the lands. They traveled far, thousands of miles. Their numbers grew as a new race joined them. They were the Arx warriors. They had the heads of a flesh craving black dog and the body of a man and their knowledge in magic and spells gave him the ultimate advantage. Narseh’s evil grew more and more, it poisoned his mind and turned him into something he wasn’t. He turned his back on what lied in his heart and denied his wrong doings. His hatred for his brother’s kingdom built his dark army and spilt blood across the lands. He swept the land slaying all in his path. They discovered the centaurs and fauns. Narseh was amazed by their strength and soon began to enslave them, using them to build his empire of black stone. Some fled, escaping Narseh and his army. Others tried to fight against him, but their strength could not hold up against Narseh’s. The escaped centaurs and fauns scattered about the land. Some retreated to the forest and others traveled across the land to the coast. Back in Armen the king prepared forces in case his brother were ever to attack, but while he waited for his brother his wife gave birth to two children. Princess Arianna and Prince Hedlund. They would be educated quickly and trained to handle the sword in case the day of battle would ever come against the two brothers. The brothers that were broken.
