gair
New member
this just popped into my head when I was taking my dog for a walk this morning. It's the first story I've written since I left juniors, so please be kind.
Yesterday I saw a woman trying to get a dog lead out of a tree with a golf club
We’re walking along the Edge, close to the tree where I saw the woman in the red jacket poking at a dog lead with a golfing iron. You smile at me, and I smile back, happy. You are wearing your cream coloured coat, and I think how beautiful it looks against your black hair.
OK you reply. There was probably a kid who was swinging it when they were taking the dog for a walk. And she must have borrowed the golf club to poke it down.
But there was no dog, no child and no one to borrow a golf club from.
All right you say, maybe she sent the child and the dog home. Or maybe there was no child, the woman was swinging the lead herself. Adults do behave like children you know. Why should you stop doing something that is fun just because you are over eighteen? In fact, it is children trying to be adults, trying to be grown up and mature who spurn things like swinging dog leads, because you only see children doing it. The adults do it in secret.
You toss your hair back and turn your face towards me, so the light glints off your teeth, sending sparks into the air.
Hang on I say. You mean there is a secret society of dog lead swingers?
No you sigh. Don’t be silly.
Oh I say, pretend downcast. That would be fun though. It would make it even more fun as a secret.
The adults do it in secret, they do it unseen, when there are no children to see them. They do it in secret because it is something only children do. And when they were children trying to be grown up they shunned swinging dog leads. It was immature. And now they can’t do it in the open.
Closet swingers I ask
In a manner of speaking.
OK I say. So this woman is out swinging a dog lead because she wants to have fun like she did when she was a kid, swinging a dog lead, which is something she can’t do in the open because it is something that only children do, and if she did it in the open it would be like eating her own words because she is doing something that only children do, grown ups don’t because it is childish which is something she laughed at when she was a child trying to be grown up.
I hop over a puddle, childlike.
Yes you say.
So where did she get the golf club from.
She borrowed it silly you laugh, cool and sophisticated.
But there was no one to borrow it from I stamp.
Maybe she carried it around for protection. You know, in case of muggers.
Muggers? I exclaim. I don’t think you’d get very many muggers up on the Edge.
Opportunist muggers. Desperate hikers who hold you to tent pole point for directions and Kendal Mint Cake.
I tug my fleece down to stop the wind whipping up it.
Do you carry Kendal Mint cake around with you in case you get mobbed by desperate hikers I enquire.
You ignore me.
Maybe she mugged someone for it I muse.
There is that possibility you agree.
So someone must go up on the Edge in fear of muggers and carry a golf club just in case.
Maybe they were hikers. Worried about other hikers stealing their maps and Kendal Mint cake.
But why would anyone carry a golf club all that way I grumble.
Isn’t there a golf course near there you say
Ish I concede. But there was no one around.
Maybe it was lying on the fairway
The what way
The fair way
I wonder at your grasp of the golfing world. It seems so far away to me, it belongs to the old people, the fuddy-duddies. It doesn’t seem like it should be part of your world either, mind you, I don’t know how you, with your poise and elegance can be part of mine.
But the golf course was ages away. And you wouldn’t go all the way back to a golf course on the off chance that someone had left a golf club just lying around I complain.
She went and borrowed one then.
I tell you, there was no one around.
There might have been when she got the dog lead first stuck in the tree.
And that’s another thing I say. There was no dog.
It had run off.
Then surely going after the dog would be a more pressing issue then.
It could probably find its own way home. They’re clever like that.
Not any I’ve seen I mutter.
You sigh. What does it matter!!
There was no dog. There was a dog lead and a woman and no dog I shout.
I stand very still, embarrassed. There is no one else up here though to witness my descent to a petulant child.
Is it that important you groan.
I think it’s suspicious I say.
Maybe a conspiracy nut rather than a child.
You put your head in your hands. Your hair falls forwards, still split by the fine white parting and the sun makes it glow red. I am entranced by it long enough for the dull whine of the microlight on its return home to pass before I say
I don’t believe in closet swingers, and even if she were going out to surreptitiously swing then surely she would have taken a dog with her to allay suspicion.
Such long words you spit.
You are angry. I don’t understand why, it was a funny situation I tried to describe, a woman and a lead and a tree and no dog. And I was being silly and you were being silly and now you have frayed and it is getting serious.
Yes I say. And you’re hedging. It’s very suspicious that there is a woman getting dog lead out of a tree and there is no dog.
Maybe she was putting the dog lead into the tree you say.
You’re laughing at me I say, downcast. And that would be even weirder.
Perhaps. But if there was no dog. If there was never a dog. Maybe she brought the golfclub up to the Edge especially to put the lead in the tree and she was poking it into place.
But why would she do that I ask.
To signal? you offer.
To signal to what? Aliens?
Maybe.
Telling them when to invade earth, that sort of thing?
Could be.
I’ll push her off when I see her again then. I’d be the saviour of humanity.
I don’t think that’s a good idea you say.
Just kidding I add. You’d have to be very sure that someone was signalling to aliens before you’d risk pushing them off. It could be very embarrassing otherwise.
Yes you agree. And think of the paperwork.
Any way, aliens don’t exist.
How do you know?
Aliens invading earth don’t exist I correct myself. There might be some living miles and miles away
Or they might be waiting for the opportune moment to invade you say.
I laugh.
You laugh too. It is a silly thought.
Maybe it’s not a dog lead I muse.
What?
Not a dog lead. Maybe it’s a piece of superior technology that transmits.
Transmits what you ask?
Data? I offer, relieved that we have become silly again
Maybe she is a spy. Maybe she is passing on top secret information via a secret transmitter cunningly disguised as a dog lead….
You laugh. That is even sillier than aliens. There is nothing top secret round here.
Everyone knows that they were doing stuff under the Edge during the second world war. Hidden bunkers. Who’s to say they’ve actually stopped.
That is urban myth.
We’re in the countryside. Practically,
Rural myth then. Complete and utter tripe.
But there must be some truth in it. I mean, there’s barbed wire and stuff, and the stream is sometimes blue.
It’s probably fertiliser.
I guess I agree. And it would be very uncharacteristic for there to be anything interesting around here.
Yes.
In fact think the only interesting thing is the woman and the dog lead and the golfclub without a dog.
You laugh.
Oh yeah, and that micro airplane thing that flies around every evening.
You laugh again.
Maybe she’s signalling to it I giggle.
What did you say?
That woman is a secret agent.
What, sending on the secrets from the underground bunkers and top –secret laboratories under the Edge?
Yeah. It would be pretty cool if it was huh?
Possibly you say.
I wonder who she’d work for.
Switzerland. And now I’ve told you I’m going to have to kill you.
And you pull out a golf club.
Yesterday I saw a woman trying to get a dog lead out of a tree with a golf club
We’re walking along the Edge, close to the tree where I saw the woman in the red jacket poking at a dog lead with a golfing iron. You smile at me, and I smile back, happy. You are wearing your cream coloured coat, and I think how beautiful it looks against your black hair.
OK you reply. There was probably a kid who was swinging it when they were taking the dog for a walk. And she must have borrowed the golf club to poke it down.
But there was no dog, no child and no one to borrow a golf club from.
All right you say, maybe she sent the child and the dog home. Or maybe there was no child, the woman was swinging the lead herself. Adults do behave like children you know. Why should you stop doing something that is fun just because you are over eighteen? In fact, it is children trying to be adults, trying to be grown up and mature who spurn things like swinging dog leads, because you only see children doing it. The adults do it in secret.
You toss your hair back and turn your face towards me, so the light glints off your teeth, sending sparks into the air.
Hang on I say. You mean there is a secret society of dog lead swingers?
No you sigh. Don’t be silly.
Oh I say, pretend downcast. That would be fun though. It would make it even more fun as a secret.
The adults do it in secret, they do it unseen, when there are no children to see them. They do it in secret because it is something only children do. And when they were children trying to be grown up they shunned swinging dog leads. It was immature. And now they can’t do it in the open.
Closet swingers I ask
In a manner of speaking.
OK I say. So this woman is out swinging a dog lead because she wants to have fun like she did when she was a kid, swinging a dog lead, which is something she can’t do in the open because it is something that only children do, and if she did it in the open it would be like eating her own words because she is doing something that only children do, grown ups don’t because it is childish which is something she laughed at when she was a child trying to be grown up.
I hop over a puddle, childlike.
Yes you say.
So where did she get the golf club from.
She borrowed it silly you laugh, cool and sophisticated.
But there was no one to borrow it from I stamp.
Maybe she carried it around for protection. You know, in case of muggers.
Muggers? I exclaim. I don’t think you’d get very many muggers up on the Edge.
Opportunist muggers. Desperate hikers who hold you to tent pole point for directions and Kendal Mint Cake.
I tug my fleece down to stop the wind whipping up it.
Do you carry Kendal Mint cake around with you in case you get mobbed by desperate hikers I enquire.
You ignore me.
Maybe she mugged someone for it I muse.
There is that possibility you agree.
So someone must go up on the Edge in fear of muggers and carry a golf club just in case.
Maybe they were hikers. Worried about other hikers stealing their maps and Kendal Mint cake.
But why would anyone carry a golf club all that way I grumble.
Isn’t there a golf course near there you say
Ish I concede. But there was no one around.
Maybe it was lying on the fairway
The what way
The fair way
I wonder at your grasp of the golfing world. It seems so far away to me, it belongs to the old people, the fuddy-duddies. It doesn’t seem like it should be part of your world either, mind you, I don’t know how you, with your poise and elegance can be part of mine.
But the golf course was ages away. And you wouldn’t go all the way back to a golf course on the off chance that someone had left a golf club just lying around I complain.
She went and borrowed one then.
I tell you, there was no one around.
There might have been when she got the dog lead first stuck in the tree.
And that’s another thing I say. There was no dog.
It had run off.
Then surely going after the dog would be a more pressing issue then.
It could probably find its own way home. They’re clever like that.
Not any I’ve seen I mutter.
You sigh. What does it matter!!
There was no dog. There was a dog lead and a woman and no dog I shout.
I stand very still, embarrassed. There is no one else up here though to witness my descent to a petulant child.
Is it that important you groan.
I think it’s suspicious I say.
Maybe a conspiracy nut rather than a child.
You put your head in your hands. Your hair falls forwards, still split by the fine white parting and the sun makes it glow red. I am entranced by it long enough for the dull whine of the microlight on its return home to pass before I say
I don’t believe in closet swingers, and even if she were going out to surreptitiously swing then surely she would have taken a dog with her to allay suspicion.
Such long words you spit.
You are angry. I don’t understand why, it was a funny situation I tried to describe, a woman and a lead and a tree and no dog. And I was being silly and you were being silly and now you have frayed and it is getting serious.
Yes I say. And you’re hedging. It’s very suspicious that there is a woman getting dog lead out of a tree and there is no dog.
Maybe she was putting the dog lead into the tree you say.
You’re laughing at me I say, downcast. And that would be even weirder.
Perhaps. But if there was no dog. If there was never a dog. Maybe she brought the golfclub up to the Edge especially to put the lead in the tree and she was poking it into place.
But why would she do that I ask.
To signal? you offer.
To signal to what? Aliens?
Maybe.
Telling them when to invade earth, that sort of thing?
Could be.
I’ll push her off when I see her again then. I’d be the saviour of humanity.
I don’t think that’s a good idea you say.
Just kidding I add. You’d have to be very sure that someone was signalling to aliens before you’d risk pushing them off. It could be very embarrassing otherwise.
Yes you agree. And think of the paperwork.
Any way, aliens don’t exist.
How do you know?
Aliens invading earth don’t exist I correct myself. There might be some living miles and miles away
Or they might be waiting for the opportune moment to invade you say.
I laugh.
You laugh too. It is a silly thought.
Maybe it’s not a dog lead I muse.
What?
Not a dog lead. Maybe it’s a piece of superior technology that transmits.
Transmits what you ask?
Data? I offer, relieved that we have become silly again
Maybe she is a spy. Maybe she is passing on top secret information via a secret transmitter cunningly disguised as a dog lead….
You laugh. That is even sillier than aliens. There is nothing top secret round here.
Everyone knows that they were doing stuff under the Edge during the second world war. Hidden bunkers. Who’s to say they’ve actually stopped.
That is urban myth.
We’re in the countryside. Practically,
Rural myth then. Complete and utter tripe.
But there must be some truth in it. I mean, there’s barbed wire and stuff, and the stream is sometimes blue.
It’s probably fertiliser.
I guess I agree. And it would be very uncharacteristic for there to be anything interesting around here.
Yes.
In fact think the only interesting thing is the woman and the dog lead and the golfclub without a dog.
You laugh.
Oh yeah, and that micro airplane thing that flies around every evening.
You laugh again.
Maybe she’s signalling to it I giggle.
What did you say?
That woman is a secret agent.
What, sending on the secrets from the underground bunkers and top –secret laboratories under the Edge?
Yeah. It would be pretty cool if it was huh?
Possibly you say.
I wonder who she’d work for.
Switzerland. And now I’ve told you I’m going to have to kill you.
And you pull out a golf club.
