Written Works By Narnians

Between_the_Worlds

Between_the_Worlds

New member
Hey,
I'm really nervous about starting a new topic so ya'll help me out here. :) I've written a poem about Charn (The Magician's Nephew) and I'd like ya'll to critique it. Please don't be overly harsh or lavishly praising, I'd just like your honest opinion. I was writing this poem for an English class, and I wanted to post it. So, here it is.

CHARN
<span style='font-size:8pt;line-height:100%'>FREE VERSE / UNRHYMED

Dust swirls across cracked earth in the dry riverbed
Which once ran red with the blood of men mingled in water
Cold stale wind whistles through the dead streets
Dark doorways and windows blink with unseeing eyes
The palaces are empty, the temples in ruins
Whips lie stilled, voices have been silenced
A great civilization destroyed, all life gone, except for one

Jadis, the last Queen but Queen of the World
Evil desire drove her, cruel malice sustained her
Speaking the Deplorable Word she destroyed everything
Men, women, children, in an instant blotted out forever
She sits now frozen in the halls of her ancestors
Waiting for the ones who will break her spell of sleep
Looking forward to the day she would rule other worlds

The great red sun casts its gaze on the desolate earth
Weary of looking down upon a world that is silent
Nearing the end of its long life hung in the sky
It weeps for the lost ones who will never come home
Its dying face turns cold as shadows begin to swallow the city
The majestic city of Charn, the great city of the King of Kings
Wonder of the world, perhaps, the wonder of all worlds.</span>

And I would like to see other people's works too. If you don't mind. :)
 
Very nice poem. Well written, easily understood, with depth in just a few short lines. Everything is well described and easy to imagine. It brought me back into the world that Lewis described. Not to mention, the poem was easy to read, unlike many things that people describe as "poetry" these days. Well done!
 
Nodds in agreement with Paul. I really enjoyed reading your poem, B.t.W.
I just read about Charn and this poem really gives a good over-view of its desolation. There was real feeling in that piece of literature. Keep up the good wrork. ;)
 
Very nicely done. Not really the kind of poetry I usually read-- I like the stuff that's totally incomprehensible-- but a rewarding experience nonetheless. Particularly liked the last stanza, about the sun. It just painted a picture on my eyelids of this world that's utterly, unreversibally lost under a sun that seemed to weep for it. Keep up the good work :)

I've been meaning to write a D'ni/Narnia crossover for the longest time... maybe if I ever get it done I'll post it here. By the way, can we post visual art from Narnia here, too?
 
I like it. It's the kind of poetry written by a mind with depth and insight, and I really appriciate it. The only thing I might have to say "against" it, if "against" would be the word, is that it is not ryming poetry. There's never anything wrong with poetry that does not ryme, it's just not my personal favorite. This is one of those exceptions though ... wow ... I'm going to go read it again...
 
I really appreciate all of you commenting! To tell the truth, I'm not much of a writer, and when I am, it's usually when I'm in an imaginative mood (which isn't all that often). I spent an hour on the Charn poem. My dad (also my English teacher) is going to read the poem tonight but I showed him your comments so that he would understand the poem from a Narnian view. He hasn't read The Chronicles of Narnia yet. Again thanks so much!

Oh, Y.Fish, I would ask Specter about posting visual art, but I'd love to see some. I drew a picture of Jadis, Digory, and Polly as the stood overlooking Charn, but our scanner doesn't work so, 'bummer'!

P.S. I'd love to hear (or see) works from all of you!
 
I've written a poem before and it's not very good but I like it. ;) Mostly I write stories, which I obviously can't post in here. :rolleyes: I'll write my poem in here when I have the time if you guys want me to ...
 
Sure Gleeleaf!! I'd love to see your work. Anybody's for that matter. That's what I started this topic for, I want to see other Narnians post their creative work here. It doesn't have to be superb, just from the heart. :)
I didn't really think my poem was very good until all of you started replying. It has encouraged me to broden my horizons in that area. :)
 
Great work, BTW! There's one little itsy, bitsy thing that some might call a grammatical error, though: you change the verb tense in the last line of the second stanza.
("Looking forward to the day she would rule other worlds")
You should probably use "will" instead of "would", so that it flows better with the lines before it.
I'm sorry to be the first one with a correction, here, and I hate to sound like an English teacher, but you told us to be honest :(
Other than that, though, I agree with everyone else... that is very good poetry! Congratulations! :D
By the way, Leafy, if you're so passionate about rhyme, maybe you should learn how to spell it! :P
 
That's alright faeriechylde, I did want your honest opinion. :) I don't know, I think I just thought that the word, 'would', sounded better than 'will'. Because my guess is that when you're frozen like she was, you don't really think of anything. So she wouldn't really be thinking of the day she will rule other worlds, but she was looking forward to the day she would rule other worlds. In otherwords, she thought that before she was spellbound, which would explain why I said it in a past tense. I wonder if I'm making sense? :huh:
 
I understand what you're saying, BTW, but to get that clearly across you would need an earlier verb change, with the word "Looking" to something like "She had looked," but "Looking" obviously sounds better... it's poetry, so you have some grammatical leeway anyway ;)
 
Ignore Fae, B.T.W., she's always like this. :rolleyes: Oldest children, you know ... always know-it-alls. <_<
 
LOL!!! Ignore Leafy, BTW, she's always like this :rolleyes:
Youngest children, you know... rebellious little upstarts with no respect <_<
(I love you, Leafy :lol: )
 
Hey man, not bad it gets better as it goes. I like it when they feel fluid, might want to work on that some, but hey i liked it, even though i've never read about charn.

tg
 
Never read about charn? O.K. , are you just waiting for the movies to come out to know anything? :blink: Not that I care. Have fun being ignorant. ;)
 
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