Aitha

Lossëndil

Lossëndil

Well-known member
Aitha: prologue

A short story I wrote quite some time ago, for school work. Please read and comment!!



Everyday as I see you, I know I should tell you. Yet I never had the courage to. Today, I can hide it no longer. Dear Aitha, forgive me for deceiving you these fourteen years, but I did not wish to face the truth.

“I am not your mother.”

I see the surprise on your face. Are you scared? I am. For fourteen years, I have only thought of you as my daughter. Within my heart, you are my daughter. Yet at the same time, you are my queen. I did not want to think of you as my queen, I only wanted you to be a simple villager’s child. But I always knew, that someday you would leave me, to fulfill your quest.
When I heard that the royal guard was at our village, I knew that it was time. The false queen Heillya is searching for any survivors of the royal family, no one must be left alive. Though you are only fourteen, you pose a threat to her.

“Run, Aitha!”

I grab a few clothes at random, and some food, then push you hurriedly out the door. You must not fall into the hands of the “royal” guard. How I remember! On an evening fourteen years ago— has it been that long? — a wandering woman came to my door with you in her arms. She lifted her scarf, it was her majesty the queen! “Her name is Aitha.” said your mother before hurrying away, leaving behind a foolish widow, and a princess named Aitha. I raised you as well as I could, hoping not to disappoint your mother. Being alone, it was not easy. Do not disappoint me, Aitha, flee quickly. Go find a way to reclaim your rightful throne, and bring peace to this land.

“No. I can not go with you.”

I can not go. Two would be too easy to find. I must stay here, to lead away the soldiers. Maybe it would give you more time to flee. They must not find you. I will not let you repeat your mother’s tragedy. Yes, I may die, but it matters not. I have done what I should. I can leave this world in peace. I can face your mother without guilt. But you are the queen, dear Aitha. It is your duty to settle your nation, to defeat the heartless “queen” Heillya.

“Goodbye, dear Aitha.”

I stand at the door, watching you fade into the distance. I see you cry. I cry also. You are only fourteen, you should not have to bear such a burden. I wish you peace, Aitha. I hear the soldiers coming near. Go with my blessings, daughter. They will not find you. My dear Aitha, you will be a good queen. Do not forget me. Do not forget those who need you.

Farewell, my dear daughter.

Farewell, my queen.

~end~


EDIT: some wonderful people have succeeded in persuading me to continue this. :) (Thanks guys!) So I'm trying it out. Wanna come along for the ride?


Prologue
Chapter One: Wild Rabbit
Chapter Two: Hunter
Chapter Three: Swords and Loyalty
Chapter Four: Reunion
Chapter Five: Jessit

 
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What do you mean, END??? You made such a good beginning, by starting out IN the action instead of lecturing us; you can't really be intending just to LEAVE it there! I want to see what happens to the fugitive princess....provided that it is NOT the usual politically-correct plot about her being an unbeatable super-Amazon (what in roleplaying is called a "Mary Sue") who can slaughter fifty men by cracking her knuckles.
 
Wow Lossendil....very good. I wish I'd heard what Aitha said as well as the widow, but otherwise, you did a great job writing this. I loved the way you worded the ending.

I do have to agree with the others, though. This has the potential to be a great novel.
 
What is with this 'end' thing? Its a great begining, why are you not adding to it? You can't just write something like that and leave it hanging!(well technicly you can, but that is beside the point!:p)
 
Thanks so much for reading guys. :)

I actually never thought of turning this into a novel, since I've never attempted anything longer than 3000 words... :p
So, no promises, but any ideas?

Lost Dreamer said:
I loved the way you worded the ending.
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*warm fuzzy feeling* Thanks so much. :) I'm so glad it worked.

And no fears, Copperfox. I have no intention whatsoever of turning poor Aitha into an Amazon warrior. If I ever did add to this, Aitha would remain the poor, lost girl thrust suddenly into a world she didn't really understand. But that's a big if.
 
Thanks so much. I'm so glad it worked.
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Of course! It was very powerful. :)

I actually never thought of turning this into a novel, since I've never attempted anything longer than 3000 words...
So, no promises, but any ideas?
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May I suggest just starting with what you have? There's already a great setup, now just build off it. Aitha is on the run. What if the gaurds stop her? How does she escape, where does she go? And something bad is certainly going to happen to the foster mother - perhaps Heillya learns of her treachery and drags her to the castle for questioning. Perhaps the foster mother learns something there, something to help Aitha...

Just ask yourself questions, and follow the obvious answers. If you don't like the route your story is taking, back up and bit and change one of your answers. Personally I'm dying to know more about Heillya and the story behind Aitha's mother. Who is Heillya? How did she take over the kingdom, and what's happened under her rule?

I hope this helps some. Just brainstorm and see where it gets you :) I wouldn't worry about trying to write a "whole novel..." usually first novel end up being naturally shorter, so just write however much you feel the story needs. And if you ever want a brainstorm buddy, PM me! I love brainstorming :rolleyes: *points upward*:p
 
I think it would be interesting if the story continued, but sometimes it's difficult to just start up on a story or even re-write it, having to plot and plan out all your characters. Great job, btw.
 
bravo!

Lossëndil said:
...Within my heart, you are my daughter. Yet at the same time, you are my queen...
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I love this line (quoted above)!
Beautiful Vignette Loessendil! Reminds me of "My Last Duchess" by R. Browning in which an apparently simple monologue unleashes a huge crescendo of back-stories. Although this piece begs to be expanded, I kind of like the way you leave us --your readers-- hanging, begging for more. I like it the way it stands...

blessings, Benisse
p.s. "you poise a threat to her" should be "you pose a threat to her"
 
Thanks for reading. :) And I'm glad you liked it.

(and Benisse, thanks for pointing out my mistake. :o)

The others have persuaded me to give it a try and write some more, but going's slow... I've always been a slow writer. :p
 
Chapter One (Part One): Wild Rabbit

Finally, my first update. (I warned you all that I was a slow writer!)


Aitha ran, fleeing from what she did not understand. Tears were running freely down her face. Tears of fear, of fear that swept away all possible thoughts of sorrow. Her heat ached, straining to understand, unable to comprehend. Why? she asked the silent trees slipping past her, ever so silent, ever so distant, so unmoving. They gave her no answer.

The small shack that they called home was already swallowed by dusk and the woods. Aitha looked back, yearning for Maw’s guidance. She wanted to turn back, to go back to the shack that was unbearably hot in the summer but which held no warmth in the winter. She wanted to be with Maw, who always had an answer to everything. She was scared and lonely, and night was closing in.

But Maw had told her to run. Maw had said nothing of going back. The soldiers… For some reason they were after her, Aitha, a simple village girl.

For a sudden moment, Aitha panicked. Maw had not left the house! What would the soldiers do? But the panic ebbed slightly as she reminded herself that the soldiers in the region were well behaved, and held respect for commoners. They would do no harm to her mother. After all, she was no more than an honest widow.

Aitha stood in the gathering dusk, wondering whether she should go back. Surely, her mother had not meant for her to stay out the night. Surely, Aitha was allowed to go back. After all, she was scared and confused.

Aitha stood there for a long time, debating with herself. She wanted terribly to go home, to find Maw waiting for her with the frugal stew they were going to have for dinner. Maw would be there, standing at the door with a ladle in her hands. The soldiers would be gone. Then, after hugging each other, Maw would laugh and tell Aitha that it was all a joke. Of course she was her mother. Why would Aitha have thought otherwise?

But one small corner of Aitha’s mind knew it to be true. One small corner remembered the pain and the truth in Maw’s eyes. One small corner felt the pain, the panic, that came with knowing.

So she stood there, undecided, tense, scared, when someone suddenly called her name.

“Aitha,” called a somewhat familiar voice.

She leapt back like a startled doe. “Who is it?” she asked, peering into the darkness that had gathered.

A man walked out from the shadows. He was old, yet still tall and strong. His eyes were bright and hard in his weathered face, but Aitha thought that he could be kind at heart. It was Hunter, a man who lived in the village. Aitha was not familiar with him, as she had staid away from him along with the other village children. It was not so much from fear, but more of a respect for the unknown. But he and Maw knew each other well, they were good friends.

Hunter did not waste time on politeness, he grasped Aitha’s hand in his strong rough grip. “Follow me.” he said, pulling her further into the woods.

Aitha was relieved to see someone she knew, to see someone older than her who will take control. But she was dismayed to find that he was leading her further from home. “Where are we going?” she asked.

“Away.” came the short reply.

“Away from what?”

Hunter did not reply for a long time. So long that Aitha wondered whether she should ask again. Finally, Hunter sighed, “Just away. Don’t… please, Aitha, trust me.”

So Aitha kept silent and followed him through the darkness. Going further and further from what she called home.



Seeing a familiar face had refreshed Aitha for a moment, and banished some of her exhaustion. But all too soon, it came back. Though she was no longer running, Hunter led her at a quick pace. Her legs soon started aching, and the stitch in her side was back. After some more walking, Aitha started having trouble keeping her eyes open, not that it made much difference. There was no moon that night. Aitha concentrated on putting one foot before the other, and stopped wasting energy wondering where she was going.

As Aitha stumbled for the twentieth time, Hunter looked back, “Getting tired?” It was all Aitha could do to nod.

Hunter glanced quickly at their surroundings, and declared that it was “as good a spot as any.” He took a thin blanket from his pack which Aitha had not noticed earlier, and laid it on a relatively smooth patch of the forest floor. Aitha did not need further instructions. She laid down on it all too gladly. Yet though she was completely exhausted, her mind was not ready for sleep. All the excitement, panic and fear earlier that day kept her awake. Her thoughts refused to be organized, and she kept coming back to the scene in their shack, when her mother was telling her the impossible.

In the end, Aitha cried herself to sleep.


Sorry it took so long. But I was as confused as Aitha was about her emotions. How was it? Did it sound real? Was it confusing?
Please comment! Be honest and brutal, I wouldn't mind.
(And forgive any possible typos, I wrote this in long hand, and didn't have much time to type it. So I haven't proofread it yet. :o )
(And feel free to point out any grammar mistakes. I'm quite hopeless with grammar, so I would really appreciate some help.)
 
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YAY Lossendil! This was the perfect update. I was afraid you'd breeze right over her running away and just summarize it, but this was just right.

Sorry it took so long. But I was as confused as Aitha was about her emotions. How was it? Did it sound real? Was it confusing?
Please comment! Be honest and brutal, I wouldn't mind.
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It did sound real. The part where she stops and debates with herself was very human, and I connected with her right then. I hope to see Aitha pull herself together at some point and really shine for us, and I'm excited to meet the Hunter!

Aitha was not familiar with him, as she had staid away from him along with the other village children.
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should be "stayed" :)
 
Chapter One (Part Two): Wild Rabbit

Thanks for the replies, guys. It really helps get me to sit down and do some actual writing. And a cookie goes to mandy for the most constructive feedback, and for pointing out a mistake. :p

So, here's another update. I was hoping to write more before posting. But I didn't want to keep you waiting, so here it is.



Aitha woke from the warm morning sunlight on her face. For a moment, she simply lay there, enjoying the blissful moment and ignoring the pebbles digging into her back.

Then she remembered why she felt the sunlight on her face and pebbles in her back. The morning was no longer beautiful and inviting.

“I see that you’re awake,” she heard Hunter say.

Aitha lifted herself from the thin blanket she had been sleeping on. Hunter, of course, was already awake. He was stroking a fire, over which something was roasting. The fragrant aroma suddenly reminded Aitha that she had not even had dinner last night. She looked longingly at the food, “Can I…”

Hunter nodded, “help yourself. Wild rabbit, it is. I’m afraid you’ll have to use your fingers though.”

Aitha held herself readily, burning her fingers while she was at it. She decided that it was probably one of the best meals she had ever had.

Hunter watched on with slight amusement as he waited for Aitha to finish. Finally, she licked her fingers, feeling better than she had since the soldiers arrived at her village.

“Now,” Hunter began as he doused the fire, “tell me everything that happened, everything that your mother told you.”

Aitha fidgeted, frantically trying to think of some way to change the topic. She did not want to speak of what her mother had told her, as if by not speaking, she could hold on to some hope that it was a dream, or that it was false. If she spoke, it would only make it true.

“Shouldn’t we get going?” she asked as casually as possible, “wouldn’t the soldiers find us?”

Hunter snorted, “Find us? Them?” his voice dripped with contempt. “They’re the Royal Guard, they couldn’t track a hunting party right before their arrogant noses. Aitha,” he continued, looking her straight in the eye, “putting it off will do no good. Best get it over with. Accept it. Move on. Do you duty and make your mother proud.”

Which one? Aitha thought bitterly. But she knew that nothing will change Hunter’s mind. Unwillingly, she started her tale, from the time when she was chopping firewood behind their house.

Hunter listened patiently as she spoke of her daily chores. He knew, even if Aitha did not, that such familiar things were already left in the past. Speaking of them may offer her some small comfort.

Aitha moved on, telling of how Maw had burst into the house, her slightly graying hair straying from the neat bun she always wore. Her eyes… Aitha remembered her soft brown eyes… holding fear, yet strength; worry, and yet a deep calm beneath the turmoil; and soft, gentle love.

Then Maw had told her. Aitha broke down at this point of her narration. Sobbing, she re-entered the fear, the panic of knowing the truth, with an extra layer of helpless sorrow.

Hunter sat there as she sobbed, his face quite expressionless, but his eyes showed a rare sign of panic.

“She… she said that…” Aitha managed to whisper between sobs, “She’s not my mother!”

Hunter laid his hand first gingerly, than more firmly, on Aitha’s shoulder. “Look at me,” he said.

Aitha raised her teary face to meet Hunter’s solemn black eyes, which had lost any earlier sign of panic.

“Listen here, Aitha,” he continued. “Hannah’s a good woman. She’s raised you. She loves you. No matter what people may say, she is your mother.” He paused, considering his next words. “True, the Queen is also your mother. She loved you too, more than you know.” Again, he paused, struggling to find the right words. Finally he continued, “Two truths do not make a lie, Aitha. Hannah will always be your mother, keep that close to your heart.”

Aitha nodded. It hadn’t really changed anything that had happened, but she felt slightly better. Whatever happened, Maw was her mother. It wasn’t long before she was calm enough to continue.

Briefly, she went through the rest of what her mother had told her. That she was the daughter of the Queen, that Heillya had taken the throne, and the country from the Queen. Only then did the facts begin to sink in. She, Aitha, was a princess, if not a queen. If not for her fear and confusion, she would have found it almost laughable. It was something in a tale that the rare performer to their village would tell.

Then her mother had said farewell. Aitha’s voice trailed off again as she remembered their parting.



Not exactly the best place to stop. As I said, I was hoping to get more done before posting. I know that a lot of this post was Aitha going back over what happened. I felt that she needed to deal with it. But that results in repeating a lot of stuff. So this may have been slightly boring. :o Did you think it was unnecessary? Should I leave this part out?

And as usual, I'm open to comments. Whether it has to do with the story, the grammar, spelling, or just a funny phrase that didn't sound quite right.


Oh, and Kitty? You had better not stop writing! :mad: (j/k) I've read some of your stuff, and it's pretty strong. You're really good at getting emotions across.
 
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