DestinyLies
Active member
Awesome!! I love it!
Lossëndil
Well-known member
Just remembered to mention this. There were a few bits that I would have liked to do from Hunter's point of view in the post above. But that would have been kind of strange. Still, I mentioned some of his emotions/reactions. But some of it sounded kind of strange to me. Did you guys notice anything? Any suggestions?
EDIT: Des, you replied! And so quickly too! I'm glad you liked it.
EDIT: Des, you replied! And so quickly too! I'm glad you liked it.
Shadow_Kitty
New member
Haha OK Lossy 
This story is really great. Officially one of the best on TDL. I don't think you should take that part out at all. It goes back and re-establishes her emotions. I like it and think you should post more.
This story is really great. Officially one of the best on TDL. I don't think you should take that part out at all. It goes back and re-establishes her emotions. I like it and think you should post more.
DestinyLies
Active member
Haha yes I did! I didn't know I was so important! haha
Mozart the Meerkitten
Well-known member
I like it, and don't take the one part out, it's good.
And wouldn't should probably be won't in that sentance. It works either way though.
And wouldn't should probably be won't in that sentance. It works either way though.
Shadow_Kitty
New member
Since I dubbed it officially one of the bestAnd Kitty, when did my story ever become "officially" anything?
Lossëndil
Well-known member
Chapter One (Part Three): Wild Rabbit
This is what you call "slow writing." when you only update once a month or so... sorry.
hoping I'll update more often in the future, if I still have any readers left... who don't mind slow writing...
Hunter’s voice suddenly broke the silence of Aitha’s thoughts. “So, what do you plan to do now?”
Aitha’s head jerked up at this sudden question, “What so I plan to do?” she repeated, still lost in memories and quite unable to comprehend.
“You can’t expect me to make your choices for you!” Hunter laughed. “Surely, you have some idea of what you will do.”
“But…” Aitha trailed off.
Hunter looked surprised at this reaction, but he tried to hide it. “Aitha,” he said in what he hoped was a gentle voice, “Your mother is no longer here to guide you. You’ll have to make your own decisions from now on. No one can tell you what to do.”
“But what of you?” Aitha demanded, “I’m just… I’m just fourteen.”
“Be it fourteen or fifty-five, you must learn to make your own decisions. And I’m the last one to ask for advice. You are the Queen, Aitha. I’m merely a subject, a bad one at that.” he finished with a bitterness Aitha did not understand.
He allowed a moment for Aitha to compose her thoughts. But as he had expected, she was still confused, and had no thoughts of the future. “You don’t have to decide now.” Hunter said, “If you would like, we can travel to a nearby city first. I know a few men there, good men. Whether you decide to go into hiding or start a rebellion, they will be able to help.”
Aitha agreed, as she had no better ideas. She hoped that she will be able to sort out her thoughts before they reached the city, which Hunter had informed her was four days away.
“It’s time to get going.” Hunter stood up, and pakced his things. The sun was already high in the sky, and Aitha was thankful for the shade of the trees.
As they walked within the summer woods, Aitha asked if there would be some way of checking on her mother when they got to the city. She already knew that Hunter will not allow her to go back. He had already made that point crystal clear.
“No,” Hunter replied without looking back. “Unless there are already rumors circulating, I’m afraid it’s impossible to find out how she is.”
“But surely, you could ask the local soldiers.” Aitha pointed out.
Hunter did not reply. He did not even slow in his stride.
Aitha quickened her pace to catch up with Hunter, and saw in his eyes something akin to pity. “What is it?” she demanded, fearing an answer.
“Nothing. Nothing.” Hunter tried to shrug it off. He circled around Aitha, who had put herself in his path.
“You know something, don’t you?” She asked, narrowing her eyes.
Hunter stopped walking, and sighed. “They were the royal guard who came knocking on your door, Aitha. Not the honest local soldiers. Look, I don’t know how to put this, but… I’m afraid that your mother may not have fared so well.”
“What does that mean?” Aitha asked quietly.
Hunter took a steadying breath, and avoided Aitha’s eyes. “It means —and I do not say this lightly— that your mother is either captured or dead. The latter being the more likely.”
“No.” Aitha said simply. She turned to walk back the way they had come by.
Hunter grasped her arm. “You can’t go back.” He said in a harsh voice.
Tears rolled silently down Aitha’s cheeks. “I have to. Don’t you see?” she whispered, struggling to get away.
“You can’t.” Hunter said simply, harshly. But his eyes were moist. “If you go back they will be there. They will be waiting. You are my Queen, I can’t allow you to repeat your mother’s tragedy.”
“Why?” she asked suddenly with an insane anger born of grief, “Why then did you allow it to happen the first time?”
Hunter momentarily froze. He loosened his grip and Aitha wrenched away from him, only to fall to the ground, too weak with grief. Hunter, too, fell to his knees. “Please,” he pleaded, so very softly, his eyes bright with tears unshed, “please, my Queen, let us go.”
Aitha’s anger left her weak and drained. And she was shaken by Hunter’s reaction. Meekly she allowed Hunter to help her to her feet. “I need to go back. I need my mother.” she whispered, begging that he understood.
Hunter looked at her with pleading brown eyes, softer than Aitha had ever seen them. “Please, my Queen. Please, Taiyya, don’t do this.” His voice was croaked with pain.
Aitha suddenly realized that Hunter thought he was addressing her real mother, the rightful Queen. The realization caused her grief to cut even deeper. “Let us go.” she said softly, struggling to master her grief. She allowed Hunter to take her hand, to guide her away from the home she loved. She did not know that in that moment she looked like a true queen, she looked like her mother, weighed down with grief and tears, yet struggling to master them, standing upright, struggling to be proud, to be a Queen. Silently, the two of them walked through the woods, each shedding silent tears, each bearing the accursed pain which was theirs to bear.
~end of Chapter One~
Now, point out any spelling mistakes, grammar mistakes, or anything that sounds harsh/ strange on the ears. And if you felt that some parts may be done better, or should have been done in a different way, tell me. And that's an order. And if you feel like it's time for an update sometime in the future, but find me wasting what's left of my life some place else, please kindly leave a note on my profile yelling at me. Thanks.
This is what you call "slow writing." when you only update once a month or so... sorry.
hoping I'll update more often in the future, if I still have any readers left... who don't mind slow writing...Hunter’s voice suddenly broke the silence of Aitha’s thoughts. “So, what do you plan to do now?”
Aitha’s head jerked up at this sudden question, “What so I plan to do?” she repeated, still lost in memories and quite unable to comprehend.
“You can’t expect me to make your choices for you!” Hunter laughed. “Surely, you have some idea of what you will do.”
“But…” Aitha trailed off.
Hunter looked surprised at this reaction, but he tried to hide it. “Aitha,” he said in what he hoped was a gentle voice, “Your mother is no longer here to guide you. You’ll have to make your own decisions from now on. No one can tell you what to do.”
“But what of you?” Aitha demanded, “I’m just… I’m just fourteen.”
“Be it fourteen or fifty-five, you must learn to make your own decisions. And I’m the last one to ask for advice. You are the Queen, Aitha. I’m merely a subject, a bad one at that.” he finished with a bitterness Aitha did not understand.
He allowed a moment for Aitha to compose her thoughts. But as he had expected, she was still confused, and had no thoughts of the future. “You don’t have to decide now.” Hunter said, “If you would like, we can travel to a nearby city first. I know a few men there, good men. Whether you decide to go into hiding or start a rebellion, they will be able to help.”
Aitha agreed, as she had no better ideas. She hoped that she will be able to sort out her thoughts before they reached the city, which Hunter had informed her was four days away.
“It’s time to get going.” Hunter stood up, and pakced his things. The sun was already high in the sky, and Aitha was thankful for the shade of the trees.
As they walked within the summer woods, Aitha asked if there would be some way of checking on her mother when they got to the city. She already knew that Hunter will not allow her to go back. He had already made that point crystal clear.
“No,” Hunter replied without looking back. “Unless there are already rumors circulating, I’m afraid it’s impossible to find out how she is.”
“But surely, you could ask the local soldiers.” Aitha pointed out.
Hunter did not reply. He did not even slow in his stride.
Aitha quickened her pace to catch up with Hunter, and saw in his eyes something akin to pity. “What is it?” she demanded, fearing an answer.
“Nothing. Nothing.” Hunter tried to shrug it off. He circled around Aitha, who had put herself in his path.
“You know something, don’t you?” She asked, narrowing her eyes.
Hunter stopped walking, and sighed. “They were the royal guard who came knocking on your door, Aitha. Not the honest local soldiers. Look, I don’t know how to put this, but… I’m afraid that your mother may not have fared so well.”
“What does that mean?” Aitha asked quietly.
Hunter took a steadying breath, and avoided Aitha’s eyes. “It means —and I do not say this lightly— that your mother is either captured or dead. The latter being the more likely.”
“No.” Aitha said simply. She turned to walk back the way they had come by.
Hunter grasped her arm. “You can’t go back.” He said in a harsh voice.
Tears rolled silently down Aitha’s cheeks. “I have to. Don’t you see?” she whispered, struggling to get away.
“You can’t.” Hunter said simply, harshly. But his eyes were moist. “If you go back they will be there. They will be waiting. You are my Queen, I can’t allow you to repeat your mother’s tragedy.”
“Why?” she asked suddenly with an insane anger born of grief, “Why then did you allow it to happen the first time?”
Hunter momentarily froze. He loosened his grip and Aitha wrenched away from him, only to fall to the ground, too weak with grief. Hunter, too, fell to his knees. “Please,” he pleaded, so very softly, his eyes bright with tears unshed, “please, my Queen, let us go.”
Aitha’s anger left her weak and drained. And she was shaken by Hunter’s reaction. Meekly she allowed Hunter to help her to her feet. “I need to go back. I need my mother.” she whispered, begging that he understood.
Hunter looked at her with pleading brown eyes, softer than Aitha had ever seen them. “Please, my Queen. Please, Taiyya, don’t do this.” His voice was croaked with pain.
Aitha suddenly realized that Hunter thought he was addressing her real mother, the rightful Queen. The realization caused her grief to cut even deeper. “Let us go.” she said softly, struggling to master her grief. She allowed Hunter to take her hand, to guide her away from the home she loved. She did not know that in that moment she looked like a true queen, she looked like her mother, weighed down with grief and tears, yet struggling to master them, standing upright, struggling to be proud, to be a Queen. Silently, the two of them walked through the woods, each shedding silent tears, each bearing the accursed pain which was theirs to bear.
~end of Chapter One~
Now, point out any spelling mistakes, grammar mistakes, or anything that sounds harsh/ strange on the ears. And if you felt that some parts may be done better, or should have been done in a different way, tell me. And that's an order.
And if you feel like it's time for an update sometime in the future, but find me wasting what's left of my life some place else, please kindly leave a note on my profile yelling at me. Thanks.
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I'm glad you decided to continue this because it's turning out to be such a great story!!
Lost Dreamer
New member
Sorry sorry sorry! I didn't realize you kept updating 
Bad Mandy. Now my cookie is stale.
I thought it was perfect, just what we needed. It wasn't repetative because it wasn't from Aitha's point of view originally. This way, I felt, added the details we didn't get the first time. And like I said (or meant to say,) I felt it was important for Aitha to come to grips with what was happening to her. The scene did that.
I think the bits about Hunter are good. He's a complete blank, so it helps that you characterize him. The only part that I struggled with was when he addressed Aitha as her mother mother--it was a little weird.
*goes to get fresh cookies*
Bad Mandy. Now my cookie is stale.I thought it was perfect, just what we needed. It wasn't repetative because it wasn't from Aitha's point of view originally. This way, I felt, added the details we didn't get the first time. And like I said (or meant to say,) I felt it was important for Aitha to come to grips with what was happening to her. The scene did that.
I think the bits about Hunter are good. He's a complete blank, so it helps that you characterize him. The only part that I struggled with was when he addressed Aitha as her mother mother--it was a little weird.
*goes to get fresh cookies*
Lossëndil
Well-known member
I was afraid of that. It may have made more sense if we already knew more of Hunter. But since we don't, I may go back and edit that. It does seem kind of weird.
daisyfrost
New member
ooh, i like this story. running-away-in-the-wilderness scenarios alway have interested me.
Lost Dreamer
New member
Maybe you could still tell us that he had some kind of personal relationship with Aria's mother? like, maybe instead of saying her mother's name, he says, "You look like your mother when she....." and fill in the blank.
Because I did like learning that about Hunter. It felt important.
Lossëndil
Well-known member
Chapter Two (Part One): Hunter
And daisyfrost, I'm glad you liked it. But I'm afraid that running-away-in-the-wilderness is coming to an end. This is the last update in the wild. Still, I hope you'll stick around.
It was the last evening before they reached the city. Again, they were sitting around a small fire and feasting upon wild rabbit. Aitha briefly wondered if she will come to miss this simple routine which she had fallen into so quickly. But her mind quickly turned to other matters. What will they do when they reach the city? What were her plans?
“Hunter?” she asked. Even though they have been with each other so many days, Aitha still found it kind of difficult speaking with him. “What do you think I should do?”
Hunter looked up from staring at the fire— he did that often, “I’ve told you, Aitha. You need to make your own decisions.”
Aitha waved his words aside, “I know, you’ve said so before. But I’m only fourteen, Hunter. Queen or no queen.” she added dryly, “I could do with some advice.”
Hunter thought about it, and finally nodded. “As far as I see, you have basically two choices: to go into hiding, or to start a rebellion. If you go into hiding, it wouldn’t be hard to find some out of way village. But you will need to make a place for yourself, which would not be easy at your age. You are too old to be accepted into a family, but too young to be on your own. If you would like to, and only if you do, I could appear as your father, and we could make a living together.”
Aitha was shocked, and extremely uneasy at such a proposal. To accept this man she hardly knew as a father? To live in the same house, and be… family? But Hunter seemed to take it all matter-of-factly. He smiled dryly at Aitha’s expression. “It is just a suggestion. You are completely free to make your own decisions. Or find someone else to trust as your guardian. I know that I am not an easy man to live with. Your other option would be to start a rebellion. There are still a couple generals who were loyal to your mother. We could easily contact them and persuade them to start a war against Heillya. But it would be a bloody war, Aitha. War is never pretty.”
“Then why would I went to start one?” Aitha asked.
Hunter looked tired, weary of the ugliness of life. “Most men would say for revenge. And some would say for power.”
“I don’t want power.” said Aitha, disgusted. “I was happy as a farm girl. And I care even less for revenge.”
“Revenge also goes by the name of justice.” Hunter said simply.
Aitha turned the thought over in her mind. It was true that Heillya was responsible for the Queen’s death. And yet Aitha only felt indignant anger at the thought, no hatred. This lack of emotion surprised her. Perhaps it was because she never really knew this distant mother. Aitha was far more angry at being driven from her home, and the only family she ever knew. Here was the chance for revenge, of bringing justice to the one who harmed her. But war, for the wrong done to one person? No. It was not right. She answered Hunter, with a calm she did not expect, “To bring a country into civil war for the sake of one person is not justice.”
A swift smile flitted across Hunter’s face, “your mother would like that.”
This warmed Aitha, but she could not help but wonder which one he spoke of.
“Both.” Hunter answered the unspoken question. “But there are other reasons for war,” he continued. “A life of hiding is not easy, Aitha. They’ve found you once, they can do it again. Fear is an unpleasant companion. Also, Heillya does not rule as the Queen did, she is not… kind to her people.”
“But that is not enough to start a war.” Aitha said, then caught the look in Hunter’s eyes, “Or is it?” she asked.
“Taxes are more than enough to start many a rebellion.” He replied. “More than half of the harvest goes to the royal treasury. The Queen would never have allowed a tax rate of more than one tenth in her reign. Also, there is the matter of slavery.”
“Slavery?” repeated Aitha, uncertain of what he meant by that vile word.
Hunter nodded. “Both our neighboring countries thrive on slave trade. But your forefathers have always had the self respect to forbid it. Not Heillya though. It brings money, plenty of it. That’s a good enough reason for her.”
“Slavery,” Aitha repeated again. “Surely, it does not mean…”
“Yes it does.” Hunter said, an angry light in his eyes. “If anyone cannot pay a debt, he and his family may be sold into slavery by his creditor. Anyone who has committed a crime worthy of more than five years in the dudgeons, or the guillotine, is sold into slavery. Anyone born into slavery remains there.”
Aitha struggled to grasp this new horrifying fact. “I’ve never heard…”
“You live in the south-western corner of our country, the backwaters. It is still relatively untouched by Heillya’s rule. But the seaports in the East… well, I sincerely hope that you will never see it for yourself.”
Aitha sat in a miserable silence, pondering the new information. Was it worth starting a war? Starting a war to bring back the peace and harmony of Queen Taiyya’s reign? What irony. But what was a war like? She knew that it was horrible. She knew that it would tear the country apart. But how long would one last? What would it do to the people? To the land?
It was unfair, that she should be the one to make such a decision. Was it even possible? Yes. She knew that if indeed she decided to start a rebellion, Hunter would make it happen. He had a way about him. If he said he would do it, then he will, no matter what the odds are.
A war. Was such the price of peace and freedom? Aitha did not want to be the one to decide. But did that mean she was fleeing her duty? And if she did choose to do so, can she be sure that it was not for the purpose of avenging the Queen her mother?
Surely, surely there must be some other way of doing this. She looked to Hunter, “Is there some other way?” she asked. “Any way of dethroning Heillya without such bloodshed?”
Hunter thought about it. “Yes,” he mused. “There are other ways. You may try to pull off a coup, for instance. Though I doubt it would work. Heillya has almost complete control of the court. And you are a child, nobles would be reluctant to trust one so young with the throne.”
“What of generals?” Aitha asked, “I need their confidence if I were to start a rebellion.”
“Soldiers believe in a line of command.” Hunter explained. “Position comes with doing your job well, age does not matter.”
“So I suppose there is little chance of a successful coup.” Aitha sighed.
Hunter nodded. And Aitha sank into silence once again.
It was a long while before either spoke. Hunter was first to break their common silence. “There is one other way.”
“What is it?” asked Aitha expectantly.
“You can threaten her with rebellion.” Hunter said, “Though I highly doubt it would faze her. She would most likely laugh, and order the messenger beheaded, then double her efforts to find you.”
“That does not sound good.” Aitha said dryly, and returned to her contemplative silence.
It seemed indeed that rebellion and hiding were the only two choices. Which should she choose? What was the right choice? What would the Queen have done? She suddenly wondered. Start a war? No, no she would not. It was too close to an act of revenge for the honorable Queen. But Aitha was not the Queen. She was only a lost farm girl. And yet, she must make the right choice for the country, regardless of what she thought of it.
But what was right for the country? How can one so young as she know? She sat with her head in her hands. Why? she asked, Why me? Because of a mother whom she never knew.
No. No rebellion. Heillya was mortal after all. One day she will pass on to the next world, and peace will come back to the land. But who is to say that her successor will not be worse than her?
Again and again the thoughts chased themselves around Aitha’s mind. She found no peace in sleep that night.
It seems that there is too much talking between Hunter and Aitha. I'm sorry that we're not getting anything interesting. Hopefully next post will have more than just those two.
And as usual,
That's something I hope to do in the next update. But I'm not promising that I could work it in.Lost Dreamer said:
And daisyfrost, I'm glad you liked it. But I'm afraid that running-away-in-the-wilderness is coming to an end. This is the last update in the wild. Still, I hope you'll stick around.
It was the last evening before they reached the city. Again, they were sitting around a small fire and feasting upon wild rabbit. Aitha briefly wondered if she will come to miss this simple routine which she had fallen into so quickly. But her mind quickly turned to other matters. What will they do when they reach the city? What were her plans?
“Hunter?” she asked. Even though they have been with each other so many days, Aitha still found it kind of difficult speaking with him. “What do you think I should do?”
Hunter looked up from staring at the fire— he did that often, “I’ve told you, Aitha. You need to make your own decisions.”
Aitha waved his words aside, “I know, you’ve said so before. But I’m only fourteen, Hunter. Queen or no queen.” she added dryly, “I could do with some advice.”
Hunter thought about it, and finally nodded. “As far as I see, you have basically two choices: to go into hiding, or to start a rebellion. If you go into hiding, it wouldn’t be hard to find some out of way village. But you will need to make a place for yourself, which would not be easy at your age. You are too old to be accepted into a family, but too young to be on your own. If you would like to, and only if you do, I could appear as your father, and we could make a living together.”
Aitha was shocked, and extremely uneasy at such a proposal. To accept this man she hardly knew as a father? To live in the same house, and be… family? But Hunter seemed to take it all matter-of-factly. He smiled dryly at Aitha’s expression. “It is just a suggestion. You are completely free to make your own decisions. Or find someone else to trust as your guardian. I know that I am not an easy man to live with. Your other option would be to start a rebellion. There are still a couple generals who were loyal to your mother. We could easily contact them and persuade them to start a war against Heillya. But it would be a bloody war, Aitha. War is never pretty.”
“Then why would I went to start one?” Aitha asked.
Hunter looked tired, weary of the ugliness of life. “Most men would say for revenge. And some would say for power.”
“I don’t want power.” said Aitha, disgusted. “I was happy as a farm girl. And I care even less for revenge.”
“Revenge also goes by the name of justice.” Hunter said simply.
Aitha turned the thought over in her mind. It was true that Heillya was responsible for the Queen’s death. And yet Aitha only felt indignant anger at the thought, no hatred. This lack of emotion surprised her. Perhaps it was because she never really knew this distant mother. Aitha was far more angry at being driven from her home, and the only family she ever knew. Here was the chance for revenge, of bringing justice to the one who harmed her. But war, for the wrong done to one person? No. It was not right. She answered Hunter, with a calm she did not expect, “To bring a country into civil war for the sake of one person is not justice.”
A swift smile flitted across Hunter’s face, “your mother would like that.”
This warmed Aitha, but she could not help but wonder which one he spoke of.
“Both.” Hunter answered the unspoken question. “But there are other reasons for war,” he continued. “A life of hiding is not easy, Aitha. They’ve found you once, they can do it again. Fear is an unpleasant companion. Also, Heillya does not rule as the Queen did, she is not… kind to her people.”
“But that is not enough to start a war.” Aitha said, then caught the look in Hunter’s eyes, “Or is it?” she asked.
“Taxes are more than enough to start many a rebellion.” He replied. “More than half of the harvest goes to the royal treasury. The Queen would never have allowed a tax rate of more than one tenth in her reign. Also, there is the matter of slavery.”
“Slavery?” repeated Aitha, uncertain of what he meant by that vile word.
Hunter nodded. “Both our neighboring countries thrive on slave trade. But your forefathers have always had the self respect to forbid it. Not Heillya though. It brings money, plenty of it. That’s a good enough reason for her.”
“Slavery,” Aitha repeated again. “Surely, it does not mean…”
“Yes it does.” Hunter said, an angry light in his eyes. “If anyone cannot pay a debt, he and his family may be sold into slavery by his creditor. Anyone who has committed a crime worthy of more than five years in the dudgeons, or the guillotine, is sold into slavery. Anyone born into slavery remains there.”
Aitha struggled to grasp this new horrifying fact. “I’ve never heard…”
“You live in the south-western corner of our country, the backwaters. It is still relatively untouched by Heillya’s rule. But the seaports in the East… well, I sincerely hope that you will never see it for yourself.”
Aitha sat in a miserable silence, pondering the new information. Was it worth starting a war? Starting a war to bring back the peace and harmony of Queen Taiyya’s reign? What irony. But what was a war like? She knew that it was horrible. She knew that it would tear the country apart. But how long would one last? What would it do to the people? To the land?
It was unfair, that she should be the one to make such a decision. Was it even possible? Yes. She knew that if indeed she decided to start a rebellion, Hunter would make it happen. He had a way about him. If he said he would do it, then he will, no matter what the odds are.
A war. Was such the price of peace and freedom? Aitha did not want to be the one to decide. But did that mean she was fleeing her duty? And if she did choose to do so, can she be sure that it was not for the purpose of avenging the Queen her mother?
Surely, surely there must be some other way of doing this. She looked to Hunter, “Is there some other way?” she asked. “Any way of dethroning Heillya without such bloodshed?”
Hunter thought about it. “Yes,” he mused. “There are other ways. You may try to pull off a coup, for instance. Though I doubt it would work. Heillya has almost complete control of the court. And you are a child, nobles would be reluctant to trust one so young with the throne.”
“What of generals?” Aitha asked, “I need their confidence if I were to start a rebellion.”
“Soldiers believe in a line of command.” Hunter explained. “Position comes with doing your job well, age does not matter.”
“So I suppose there is little chance of a successful coup.” Aitha sighed.
Hunter nodded. And Aitha sank into silence once again.
It was a long while before either spoke. Hunter was first to break their common silence. “There is one other way.”
“What is it?” asked Aitha expectantly.
“You can threaten her with rebellion.” Hunter said, “Though I highly doubt it would faze her. She would most likely laugh, and order the messenger beheaded, then double her efforts to find you.”
“That does not sound good.” Aitha said dryly, and returned to her contemplative silence.
It seemed indeed that rebellion and hiding were the only two choices. Which should she choose? What was the right choice? What would the Queen have done? She suddenly wondered. Start a war? No, no she would not. It was too close to an act of revenge for the honorable Queen. But Aitha was not the Queen. She was only a lost farm girl. And yet, she must make the right choice for the country, regardless of what she thought of it.
But what was right for the country? How can one so young as she know? She sat with her head in her hands. Why? she asked, Why me? Because of a mother whom she never knew.
No. No rebellion. Heillya was mortal after all. One day she will pass on to the next world, and peace will come back to the land. But who is to say that her successor will not be worse than her?
Again and again the thoughts chased themselves around Aitha’s mind. She found no peace in sleep that night.
It seems that there is too much talking between Hunter and Aitha. I'm sorry that we're not getting anything interesting. Hopefully next post will have more than just those two.
And as usual,
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Zella
New member
I really liked this! I like how you started right in the action and leave all the readers with questions they are dying to have answered. (Well, as long as you are going to answer them!
) I hope that you'll post more. Now a couple comments...
I don't think that having some things from Hunter's point of view would be strange. It would help the readers to understand him better and since it seems that he's going to be a central character that would be good.
It did seem a little strange at this point but if it is something that is going to be understood as we learn more about him than I think you should leave it just the way it is. Then it can be one of those things that when you read the story or book or whatever again you can be like, "So that's what that meant!"
) I hope that you'll post more. Now a couple comments...I don't think that having some things from Hunter's point of view would be strange. It would help the readers to understand him better and since it seems that he's going to be a central character that would be good.
It did seem a little strange at this point but if it is something that is going to be understood as we learn more about him than I think you should leave it just the way it is. Then it can be one of those things that when you read the story or book or whatever again you can be like, "So that's what that meant!"
Lossëndil
Well-known member
I really liked this! I like how you started right in the action and leave all the readers with questions they are dying to have answered. (Well, as long as you are going to answer them!
Another reader! Thanks.
*offers cookie* One thing I'm worried about is that it may still seem strange even after we learn more about him. I'm not completely sure whether it sits well with his character or not. But we'll see. I can always come back to edit it.
Zella
New member
Another reader! Thanks.
One thing I'm worried about is that it may still seem strange even after we learn more about him. I'm not completely sure whether it sits well with his character or not. But we'll see. I can always come back to edit it.
Since I don't know his character as well as you probably do I can't help with that. And yes you can edit it; that's why they call it a first draft!
Mozart the Meerkitten
Well-known member
hey, I'd like to let you know, I am still reading this, and I like the updates. Keep writing more!
Lost Dreamer
New member
Oooh, updates! *sets gooey plate of cookies on LossyFan Roundtable*
So here are my thoughts. I thought the dialogue between Hunter and Aitha is good--we need it to explore the story realistically. Maybe you could have thrown in some challenges to spice the story up, like say, they have to ford some nasty brook, but it's still going pretty good and I'm not bored.
*Warning: here's where I get picky* I felt that hiding versus rebellion might have been a little blunt. I mean, technically, Aitha could challenge Heillya for the throne with penalty of rebellion, or Aitha could try and pull off a coup, which would avoid war if it was successful. Aitha could try subterfuge by sneaking into the castle and working there until she found a way to kick Heillya out. I guess my point is...rebellion and hiding are the two best options, but there are others. I sort of trusted Hunter to take them into consideration. Also, I thought Aitha would have more feelings about this...I assumed she knew Heillya was evil?
//end extreme pickiness
Otherwise, it was good. I like the realism. Most action stories just kind of jump from one thing to the other; here you really have Aitha struggling with what she might do. Hope I'm not discouraging you by being such a critic! Just smack me if I am
So here are my thoughts. I thought the dialogue between Hunter and Aitha is good--we need it to explore the story realistically. Maybe you could have thrown in some challenges to spice the story up, like say, they have to ford some nasty brook, but it's still going pretty good and I'm not bored.
*Warning: here's where I get picky* I felt that hiding versus rebellion might have been a little blunt. I mean, technically, Aitha could challenge Heillya for the throne with penalty of rebellion, or Aitha could try and pull off a coup, which would avoid war if it was successful. Aitha could try subterfuge by sneaking into the castle and working there until she found a way to kick Heillya out. I guess my point is...rebellion and hiding are the two best options, but there are others. I sort of trusted Hunter to take them into consideration. Also, I thought Aitha would have more feelings about this...I assumed she knew Heillya was evil?
//end extreme pickiness
Otherwise, it was good. I like the realism. Most action stories just kind of jump from one thing to the other; here you really have Aitha struggling with what she might do. Hope I'm not discouraging you by being such a critic! Just smack me if I am