Mermaid in the Sand

DestinyLies

DestinyLies

Active member
Hello I want to give youpart of something I'm writing. It's just like an 'extra' I came up with...if you like it please comment...and if you want me to I can put up something that I originaly was going to put up here....or the beginning of this story.
Here are the characters:
Sandy-Mermaid Blue eyes blonde hair
Robert:Human boy, Brown hair, blue or brown eyes...
that's all for right now.
HEre it is...


Robert ran after Sandy,he laughed when he caught the mermaid around her waist.
"Hey, come back here." He said.
Sandy laughed too,she turned around and looked up at her fiance'."Why?" she asked.
"Because, I want you." Robert replied, his eyes sparkled down at her. "I can't believe you still said 'yes'."
He shook his head.
Sandy smiled." Why wouldn't I say yes?" She ran her fingers down his cheek. "You saved my life."
"I know I did...I'm glad I did."Robert reached up and took her hand."I'm surprised you came back."
"You fascinated me."Sandy told him.
"I did?" Robert asked. He started to sway her side-to-side.
"Yes,you did, and you still do."Sandy nodded, her blue eyes sparkled up at the young man.
"Well, I'm glad."Robert melted as he looked into her blue eyes."Because I would be nothing without
you."
"Shut up." Sandy slipped out of his grasp and took off down the beach. Robert followed her.
"Hey!"Robert called as he chased after her."Come back!"
"No!"Sandy laughed as she ran from him.She glanced back to see how close he was, she squiled as he
came up behind her,she managed to get out of his reach.
Robert soon caught up with her and caught her again,they stood right outside his house."Ok...no..more...run...ning."
He panted, out of breath.
"All...right."Sandy nodded,agreeing.Robert took her hand and lead her over to the hammock suspened between two trees.He sat down on it and she
sat down beside him."I love when you chase me." She said when she had her breath back.
Robert squeezed her hand."And I love chasing you,Skye." He whispered.
Sandy smiled,she loved when he called her by her nickname...given to her,by him, because of her sky-blue eyes."Good."
"As long as you run,that's as long as I'll chase you."He said.
"Do you know what I love more?"Sandy looked up at him the moonlight was barely able to catch them under the palm trees.
"What?" Robert askedlooking back down at her again.
"I love you." Sandy touched the tip of her nose to his.
"Hmm, I love you, too." He put his arm around her and kissed her.
Sandy slid fully onto the hammock."I know." She lie down.
Robert lie down next to her. He looked down at her."Why do you have to be so beautiful?" He asked.
Sandy blushed."I didn't know I was." She replied.
"You are." He lightly kissed her again."Very beautiful."
"Thanks."Sandy said."You're pretty goodlooking yourself."She lay her head down on his chest.
Robert didn't reply just looked up at the starlit skyHe pressed his cheek to the mer-girls silk blonde hair."You know,Sandy,
you are one special person."He said.
"Hey,babe, can I ask you a question?" Sandy asked, she looked out at the ocean,her home.
"Sure." Robert rubbed his hand up and down her back.
"Why do you love me? Even when you know I'm a mermaid?" Sandy traced her finger in a heart partern on his shirt.
"Because..."Robert was silent for a few short moments,"...you care about me. You love me,you're very beautifuly,and just
because."
"Oh." was all Sandy could say.
Robert decided not to question her about it. They lay there until they both...fell asleep......


Well,what do you think?

Love,
DestinyLies
 
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its good but i think it would be hard for sandy, given that she has a tail, to take off down the beach. lol;)
 
fernshirehobbit said:
ok, thank you for clarifying. that makes a whole lot more sense now:)
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Should I keep going with this??? Do you want to read the beginning?
It starts out Sandy gets caught in a fishingnet...Robert's Dads' fishing net...and he's standing there when it comes up to the boat,and he cuts her free...then she comes back and visits him and the story progresses from there.
 
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fernshirehobbit said:
sure, writing is good excersise. you should keep it up. was that not the begining?
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Nope...that was WAY down the road....

It starts out Sandy gets caught in a fishingnet...Robert's Dads' fishing net...and he's standing there when it comes up to the boat,and he cuts her free...then she comes back and visits him and the story progresses from there.
 
very nice Destiny. I was actually considering reading this before I got your PM. it sounded interesting from the title
 
Alright, first off: I like the idea of mermaid stories. There aren't nearly enough of them out there, which is perhaps the reason why I'm writing my own, and I've only found about one published one worth reading. (Off topic, but: If you are interested in reading a merpeople-ish story here on TDL, there is one exceptionally good one written by Daughter-of-Aslan, called "Secrets of the Sea")

With that being said, I'd like to offer a bit of constructive criticism.
-I'd like to see some more description in your work. Right now, it's basically the bare bones of the story, and I think some description would really color it up. (Of course, if this is your rought draft... then, you know...)
-I think the way the story is organized could be a bit more orderly. At the moment, the way everything is written can get a little confusing to the reader. I think it would be a good idea for you to get a beta reader. I've had people beta things for me and their feedback is simply amazing!
-You've got some good ideas around, but beware you don't cliche the story. (I am guilty of doing this myself, and let me tell you- it's a pain to work through it to get it uncliche'd.) It's really fun to take something really cliche (like a phrase or an idea) and just run with it- twist it into something pretty noncliche and see what happens. ;)

And just because I don't want you to feel like I just smashed your story excerpt (because you didn't really ask for concrit), I really do think it has potential. I look forward to seeing what you post next (but please do consider my comments). :eek:
 
I'd be a beta reader for you if you wanted Destiny

yes. pink-cheeteh covered it. This story has a WHOLE lot of potential. possibly more than anything I've come up with for this site.
 
Hey baby sis: definatly agree with Pink Cheetah and Gondor Girl. It has LOADS of potential, but try colouring it up, like PC said, like developing the characters and getting us inside the head of both (if not one) of the characters.
Very nice, me likes! :)
 
QueenSusanofNarnia said:
Hey baby sis: definatly agree with Pink Cheetah and Gondor Girl. It has LOADS of potential, but try colouring it up, like PC said, like developing the characters and getting us inside the head of both (if not one) of the characters.
Very nice, me likes! :)
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Thanks sissies!! I'll do that....yes this was kindof my rough draft...
 
I have to admit most everything I do is a rough draft. I admire those of you who can revise. I'm very bad at it :D ;)
 
Gondorgirl said:
I have to admit most everything I do is a rough draft. I admire those of you who can revise. I'm very bad at it :D ;)
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Thanks you guys!!!! Umm here's what I know of the beginnng[i don't have it infront o fme]

Chapter 1

Sandy and Cindy swam around the corral reef collecting treasure-weird shells,and some human items.
"We found alot of cool stuff."Cindy said as she looked into the bag full of odd shells,and trinkets [watches,rings,and even a hair clip]."Sandy?"She asked when her friend didn't reply.She turned around."Sandy!" She screamed as her friend was caught in a net trying to get free, it started to rise towards the surface.
"Cindy! Go get help!"The Atlantian Princess screamed, her blonde hair was getting caught in the net.
"Ok,hold on Sandy!"Cindy swam away towards Atlantis.

Sandy squirmed even more as the net got closer and closer to the serface. She stopped as it did,she looked down,and saw that she was suspended 3 feet above the ocean. She started to shake the net, then suddenly stopped as she noticed a boy looking at her. He looked straight into her blue eyes,and she looked back into his brown ones.

"Robert get the net pulled in!"Someone yelled from farther up the boat.
The boy pulled out a knife and cut at the net. The minute it was free Sandy slid down into the water and towards her home.
"Mom!" She called when she saw her mother,as well as Cindy, her Father,and brother.
"Oh,Sandy."______[I apologize I can't remember her moms name at the moment] hugged her daughter."Are you all right?"
"Yes,I'm fine."Sandy nodded, she looked back up towards the boat, she could not see the boy anymore.

Robert pulled the cut net to him, he unhooked it from the boat,and took down to the lower deck,he set it on the floor, something gold caught his eyes,he reached over and picked it up.It was a medalion.That girl must've had this on. That...mermaid. He thought to himself,he tucked it in his pocket and went back up deck.....

Sandy swam back to where the boat had been anchored at...thankfuly it was still there, she was hoping to find her medalion...or that was what she had told Cindy. She came up above the serface.
"Hello."The boy said when he saw her, he was standing at the rail looking out at sea.
"Hi."She muttered shyly.
"What's your name?" He cocked his head to one side and peared down at her.
"Sandy, Princess of Atlantis." She replied."You?" She was more curious about the handsome human then she thought.
"Robert."He said.
"Robert."Sandy repeated."I like it."
"You dropped this."Robert heald up her medallion,the gold shinned in the moonlight.
Sandy bit her lip."You can have it, I have another one." Sandy couldn't believe she had just said that. Give away her brothers medallion?
"Thanks."Robert looked towards the cabin as his dad called to him."You better get out of here." He warned, he slipped the silver chain off from around his wrist and reached towards her."Here,keep this." He let the chain dropped into her hand, his fingers brushed against the palm of her hand."Goodnight." He said before leaving the rail.
"Goodnight."Sandy dipped under the water....


{rest later, how was that??}

♥
DestinyLIes
 
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