Rate the Excerpt Above You

10! I love your writing style!
Here's part of the prologue to one of my stories....hope you like it.

THE CREATURE OF DEATH
The night was pitch-black, and as silent as a tomb. Only the occasional howl of the wind broke the stillness. The old trees of the valley swayed perilously, creaking and groaning. Far up, on a high branch, the boy lifted his head, still tired from his short rest. He was a tall child, perhaps twelve years old, with fair hair and keen blue eyes. His pale skin, almost luminescent in the faint moonlight, made him look like a specter. This boy was a valuable warrior, as anyone could see, by his regal posture and sword hanging from his waist. He jumped nimbly from his perch, landing almost noiselessly on the ground. Dusting himself off, he looked at his surroundings; no Ogres, no attackers.
“And no Valdis.” he thought, readjusting his sword. With a self-satisfied smirk, he recalled how he had snuck into the Valdis’s camp that night. Slipping between the bumbling Ogres, he had entered the Valdis’s tent. As the Valdis mostly went out during the night, the tent was deserted. The boy found what he was looking for below a chest; a pendant, out of a huge crystal. Momentarily awed, he had stared at the beautiful stone. The Valdis had stolen it, knowing that with the Sindre, they could follow warriors, and therefore, get important information, that would greatly help Morinth’s reign of terror. That couldn’t happen.
Shaking himself from his thoughts, the boy’s expression hardened. Morinth couldn’t win over the other six kingdoms. He grimaced at the thought of what would happen to the rest of Bengolarrea if the Dark Land’s brutish armies won. They would rampage and plunder, while the terrifying Valdis and the other monsters would roam freely. Shuddering, the boy quickened his pace. He was not out of enemy territory yet, and the Ogres, or worse, the Valdis, were liable to catch him. The forest was silent, as if it were holding its breath. That was worrying the boy- even at night; there were always animals and birds around, not to mention the other creatures. Suddenly, the boy stopped abruptly.
A hideous sight greeted him; for lying on the ground, her beautiful face twisted in pain, was a dead Wood Demon. Her hand was clutching a tree stump,which had been her only hope of escape. The Wood Demon hadn't run fast enough from whatever had killed her. Silvery green blood pooled around her tall, thin frame, staining the leafy dress she wore. The Demon’s reddish hair covered most of her face, but the boy could still see the marks of a dagger, three slashes in succession.
Valdis.
The boy backed away, and then took off in another direction, trying to force the image of the corpse from his mind. Killing such a pure, beautiful creature as a Wood Demon was savage, inhuman. “But then, the creature that killed the Wood Demon was as far from human as possible.”
Once again, the boy stopped, and shrank against the bole of a tree, holding his breath. He thought he had heard a sound…the boy was right. Just a few moments later, three Ogres came barreling through the trees, grunting and puffing. Short, with hairy bodies and faces that looked as if they had been smashed into a thousand pieces and stitched back together all wrong. They wielded small deadly swords and round shields. Feared, but not too much of a threat to the warriors. But what came behind the Ogres made the boy’s blood run cold. A menacing black shape, hooded and cloaked, moved along stealthily, almost like a ghost. When it passed, the Ogres stepped back, fear in their eyes. The Valdis paused in the middle of the clearing, and seemed to smell the air, a wheezing groan that sent a shiver down the hiding boy’s spine.
“He is close. Find him.” It hissed in a voice more snake than human- or whatever the creature under that hood really was. Branches cracked as the Ogres dispersed in separate directions, leaving the Valdis, motionless, in the clearing. The boy risked shrinking back a little farther into the shadows, when a rough hand clamped over his mouth, while another yanked his sword form his belt. The boy’s arms were twisted painfully behind his back; making escape impossible- even he couldn’t fight off three Ogres single-handedly, and without his sword. Mainly, it was the Valdis that made it impossible; that haunting stillness and gloom emanating from the blackness was paralyzing. As the boy was led forth, the Valdis uttered a cold, cruel laugh.
“I see the spy has been captured…. tell me, what did you want in my camp?”The Valdis hissed.
Squaring his jaw defiantly, the boy refused to speak. With relief, the boy recalled he had sent Sindre ahead by the Wood Demons. They were sure to get it back to the warriors, although the boy doubted he’d get back alive himself. The Valdis’s voice caught back the boy’s attention:
“If he does not tell me, he will not tell anyone.” Drawing a sword, the Valdis moved closer, it’s arm rising to strike. “No!” the boy thought, but it was too late- the sword cut the side of the boy’s neck, just below the ear. With a choked scream, the boy fell to the ground, with what felt like an icy nail of pain being driven into his neck. “Fang Poison!” the boy thought, remembering the story of the deadly weapon; he’d die slowly, painfully, as the poison reached his heart. Above him, the Valdis hissed with satisfaction.


Yeah, not too good. None of my stuff is good anyway...*grumble grumble* I gotta work on all this.
 
Last edited:
9.5, now post the rest so I can see what happens!:eek::D

From Catlition:

Ribbony awoke to darkness. At first he thought he was blind, then he thought it must be night. Then he figured out that his eyes were closed.
Opening them Ribbony could see the sky moving in a rhythmic pattern above him; up, down, up, down, up down.
He began to get dizzy and tried to roll over on his side. Pain shot through him like a sharp arrow when he tried to move. Restraining a cry of pain he wondered if he'd been captured.
'I hope the others are alright,' he thought, "Whatif they're worsen me though? They may need help...' Ribbony thought of his sister hurt and sick lying somewhere, blood around her.

That roused the small gray cat. His pain was numbed by worry about his friends and he forced himself to try and stand. The pain was excruciating but he managed it. Looking around he could see blurry shapes carrying him on something. Unable to see clearly what the shapes were Ribbony made them out as best he could. Deciding that some of the creatures must be reinforcements to the Terribible Trio he sought out his friends. He could vaguely make out Dora and Kit walking near each other, but in his mind the two shapes walking beside them turned into vicious animals who had chained his friends.
It had never occurred to Ribbony why they made his siblings and friends walk but not him, or why they hadn't simply left him behind instead of wasting creatures in carrying him. Ribbony was sick and not thinking so what he did next could be considered natural.

Despite how it hurt him Ribbony leapt off the stretcher and onto one of the creature's backs who was carrying it.
A yowl came from the animal he had pounced on. Digging his claws into his opponent Ribbony rolled over with the other creature, each time he hit the ground though it felt like a dagger had been thrust into him.

Then a somewhat familiar voice came to him through the shadows of his mind, commanding yet kind and gentle. Yet try as he might Ribbony could not place the voice.
"Ribbony! Stop! Stop! You'll get hurt!" a brown flash appeared near him pushing him and the other one apart.
 
10!Post more!Bug bug bug bug bug bug bug!:D
The last part of my prologue,starting with the Valdis talking:

“Now he will not tell anyone. We must look for Sindre, or Fornau will be angry.” The Valdis' voice cut the air like a knife, and had the sound of metal scratching against metal.
Intent on chasing down their quarry, the Valdis and the Ogres left. The boy was alone. Alone with Death.
Frantically, he groped for something that would save him. The Pendant. The boy grabbed the stone hanging from his necklace and tried to connect with the others. Numbing pain, cold as ice, hot as fire, was starting to set in. “Not much time.”
After an agonizing minute, another mind connected. The two consciousnesses touched each other. Too weak to send any images, the boy channeled his fear, his pain to the others. The other mind showed worry, agitation, and sent an image of the forest, with horse riders thundering through the trees. The message was clear: We’ll be there.
“Please hurry!” the boy thought, and using most of his strength, sent an image of where he was. Then the connection closed. Pain searing through him, the boy closed his eyes, his lips feebly uttering a prayer.
* * *
The boy had no idea how much time had passed since he lost consciousness, but when he awoke, he heard voices. Warriors. His friends. Standing over him, they seemed to be arguing.
“Kill him, and end his suffering.” Said one.
“No! He still has a chance. Back at the fort, they could cure him.” Another answered. The warriors lifted their friend, and carried him to the horses. The boy yelped as his friends put him on one of the horses. Every breath was a burst of agony; the searing pain had almost reached his chest. “I’m not going to make it.” He thought, almost too wretched to care. Death was better than this.
The boy was dimly aware that the warriors and him were leaving the forest. Above him loomed the worried face of a friend, the warrior holding the wounded boy by the arm.
The horses galloped across a long plain, until the lights of the fortress appeared. Darkness clouded the boy’s vision, until only a tiny pinpoint of light remained- the poison was nearing its mark. Pain raged inside his body, like a hammer striking his chest, over and over, making it hard to breathe.
The horses clattered through the entrance, the warriors calling for help. Shadows of children dashed from the different buildings into the courtyard, their footfalls sounding too loud for the boy. The dim lights were too bright. He felt himself eased from the saddle, and carried into one of the buildings, where the Healers, few as they were, resided. The boy was laid on a bed, six warriors clustered around it, talking in low tones. “Kill me, please. End this.” The boy thought. Another figure, a warrioress, entered the circle. Also a Healer, she was greatly respected. The other warriors backed away, bowing their heads. As the girl sat down on the bed, the boy, with difficulty, opened his eyes, and saw the warrioress’s face, which he knew so well, watching him. The aqua-eyed angel gazed at the boy with compassion and pity, and reached into her pouch to begin her work. Not knowing if he lived or died, the boy lapsed into unconsciousness once more, the angel’s face imprinted in his mind.

Sorry its not so good,but right now i'm sort of in a hurry to get off.:o
Anyway,soon the book will be posted here-i hope.:D
 
Last edited:
8. Very intense! Like you noted, it could use a bit of revision in places.


Anlaida turned her back on her half-brother. "You ruined everything!"

"Everything was already ruined," Arran snorted, his opinion of Midlanders plain in his dark gaze. He still carried the dog whistle in his left hand. "When two so-called 'ladies' are making fun of your family to your face, there's not much left to salvage."

"And now they have even more to gossip about, thanks to you! Not only do the savage Barons of the North marry two wives, have an incomprehensible system of inheritance, and live surrounded by the barbarians, they sic mangy animals on guests they dislike!" Anlaida stalked towards the window.

Arran followed her, adjusting his sling. "I didn't sic anything on them. I just sent the pack into the room. Nobody got bit."

"If they had been bit, they'd have been less hysterical than they were when you 'just sent the pack into the room'." Her white fingers clenched, unclenched, and clenched again.

Arran laughed aloud. "Sure, they'd have been less hysterical. Because they'd have fainted."

"You don't understand."

"True," Arran said dryly. "I don't see why you care what they think."

"Then you definitely don't understand!" she burst out, fury sparking in her blue eyes. "How else am I supposed to get out of this place?"

Arran stopped where he stood. "You--want to leave the Northland?"

"What else do you think?" she snapped. "Who would want to stay here? With your mother's grave to remind me that my mother was only a second wife?"

"She was his favorite, though."

"I don't care!" Anlaida shouted, her expensive gown shivering in anger. "It's the way barbarians live!"

Arran shook his head. "Not so much anymore--"

"Shut up!"

Arran backed away, and Anlaida's fury melted into sobs.

"All I want is a chance at a normal life. The chance my sisters got. But there aren't any more Axelarrain nobility that want marriage ties to--to--" She covered her face with her hands. "I have to make a good impression, so maybe--someday--someone will--"

"You could just leave here, you know."

"Oh?" She whirled toward him, suddenly fierce again. "Like you did? And where did that get you, Arran Crow? Tell me."

He fell silent.

"Back here, after living like a barbarian pig for four years, with a broken arm and cracked ribs and the Maker knows what else. In worse trouble than before." She drew a terse breath. "And where, pray tell, would I go?"
 
Last edited:
Wow, very well-written and interesting. I'd give it somewhere around an A. (These are the kind of excerpts I feel presumptuous rating, because I can't write half as well as them.:o)

Once again, I pass on giving an excerpt. Someone else can post.
 
from my unwritten book(s) The Adventurer Kittens.


Two weeks had passed since Kuman’s crew and ship had landed on the island of Arnia and met its curious rulers. Sparkle had become very close to Lucy who doted over the little kitten. Secretly Diamond and Rosie were jealous of Lucy who seemed to always have Sparkle nearby.
“She’s our baby,” Diamond commented to Rosie one day, “No her’s, so why doesn’t she give up Sparky?”
“Maybe because Sparky likes to be with Lucy.” Rosie muttered darkly.
“I guess, but I miss the little furball.” Diamond sighed.

Then one day Kuman decided that they had stayed there long enough. The young cat-captain came before her royal friends and told them this one day, much to the pleasure of Diamond who whispered to Rosie, “Now Sparky’ll be all ours.”
Rosie grinned and nodded for she too had missed little Sparkle’s cheerful and loving company.
But it was then that Sparkle did something none of them had ever thought she’d do.
“But I don’t wanna go.” Wailed the little kitten, “I like it here, I wanna stay wit Lucy!”
Diamond looked like she was going to cry and Rosie’s tail drooped. Even Kuman looked crestfallen.
Lucy though saw their sad faces and sat little Sparkle down saying to her, “Now Sparkplug listen; your place is with your crew on your ship, not with me. Oh I’m fine to visit but things get boring around here and you’d get tired of this place mighty quick, and you wouldn’t have a ship to sail off in! Now that wouldn’t do, would it?”
“But I might fo’get you! Den wadda I do?” the little kitten’s blue eyes were round with worry and she apparently took the subject very seriously.
“Aha, I have a solution for that, here,” Lucy pulled out a small vial filled with a sweet smelling liquid and a blue stone attached to a necklace that was draped on her claw.
“This,” Lucy motioned to the vial, “Is filled with a liquid that can cure any sickness or injury save the most serious. Use it if any of your friends are ever ill or hurt. And this,” she held up the stone, “Makes you invisible.”
“I’visble?” echoed Sparkle.
“Yes, invisible.” Lucy smiled, “In case you ever have to disappear.” She winked at her little friend.
Sparkle was engrossed with her new treasures so Kuman took the time to say goodbye to her friends.
“I’m glad we landed here,” she told them, “Thank you for being so good to us an’ I wish we could stay longer, but...” the sleek furred brown she-cat was at a loss for words, an involuntary sob almost escaping her.
“It’s alright,” smiled Peter, “Your ship is provisioned and your cloaks patched.” He clapped her on the shoulder with a strong brown paw, “Be safe my young friends.” He said.
“We will.” Smiled Diamond, “We will.”

Lucy, Silverstream, Edmund and Peter stood on the beach watching Kuman’s ship fade into the distance. Lucy thought of her young friends out on the seas having adventures and half wished she could join them.
‘But no,’ she thought ‘This is my home.’
 
10/10

A NIGHTMARE IN DUDLEYTOWN

Based upon legends

The fox Robin Hood and his men they visited Dudleytown, as they both had families and friends there in the forest.

But strange things happened, as Native Americans tried to take over too.

Robin Hood and his men tried to fight a monster, who haunted the forest, but without luck.

The citizens who were both foxes and rabbits vanished in the forest, as the citizens they talked about shadow people.

Both disease and madness made the town filled with animals deserted, and none would return there.

Dudleytown nowadays

The mouse Gadget Hackwrench dreamed, or did she?

Gadget she crashed one summer day in Dudleytown on Dark Entry road with her Ranger Plane, as the balloon on the plane suddenly exploded over the forest.

Nobody was in the forest, and it was too quiet.

It were unusual freezing cold too, as it was June.

The mouse thought she saw lost kids in the forest, so she followed them.

But the kids vanished without a trace, as if they were ghostly.

There was this strange and eerie entity in the forest Gadget she had to run from, but it was strange as she was all by herself again.

Suddenly was Fat Cat showing up, but Gadget could not escape.

Fat Cat took the mouse, who thought she was going to die.

But Gadget she awoke in her bed in the HQ, as it all was just a nightmare.
 
Last edited:
About a 6.5. Some of the grammar needs to be fixed up a bit.

Random paragraph from the same fairy tale story:

“So you think that I’m...not pretty because of a fairy’s curse?”

The Hippogryphon yawned. “Oh, I doubt it. I think you’re just a victim of circumstance.”

“What’s that?”

“A victim of circumstance,” he explained, “is like when you’re walking along, and a piano falls on your head.”

Toad couldn’t say that she had experienced this before.

“No one intended it,” the Hippogryphon went on, swatting a fly with its lower left wing. “It might as well have been anyone else, but it just happened to be you. The movers feel bad about it, of course, and the piano probably feels worse, and you feel worst of all, but there’s nothing to be done at that point except clean up the mess.”
 
8/10

"NAPS"

Based upon a legend from Connecticut starring Disney's Bolt

A local legend in Connecticut told about the old woman with the nickname “Naps”, who lived in a village.

Somehow the woman scared all the citizens in the village, and especially kids.

One day was the frightening “Naps” loosing her life under an attack, but she is told to still be around.

Connecticut nowadays

On the road to Penny in Hollywood, was Bolt, Mittens and Rhino ending up in a remote and quiet village in Connecitcut.

Bolt he said “Weird place! Everybody had seen to left in a hurry, and hiding somewhere!”

It were in the middle of the day, but still no sign of life at all.

The dog, the hamster and the cat they thought they saw some kids, but they went away quickly.

Mittens said “This is crazy! I thought I saw some kids, but somehow they went away too quick!”

Bolt said “Yeah, I saw something too!”

Rhino shouted “Hello!”

None replied, as the animals wanted to run out of the abandoned village.

Suddenly was the animals seeing an old strange woman by a very old house, and she began to follow the animals that ran quicker.

The dog and his friends ran all they could, as they passed the quiet streets.

Bolt he said “I don’t like the old woman! She must had taken the kids we saw!”

But at last was the animals finally coming out of the village, and the old woman was not to be found again.
 
5ish. The incident with the disappearing old woman sounds creepy, but the grammar needs work.
(excerpt deleted)
 
Last edited:
10. It's really interesting and well-written.

An excerpt from the journal of one of my main characters from my NaNoWriMo story:

I’ve known Cindy ever since kindergarten. That first day, I saw that she was different than all the other girls. She stood out to me among all the other students. I made a point to get to know her, and soon came to like her because of her shining personality. She was friendly, and seemed to have nice words for everybody, even the children in the class which the rest of us unkindly ignored.
Not that she was always agreeable… She has a dreadful temper which erupts with practically no warning. But, for some reason, I never disliked her because of it, even though other people with bad tempers have alienated me in the past. Why, her sudden bursts of anger intrigued me so much that I plagued her constantly, trying to get a reaction. I stole her favorite pencils, jerked her pigtails, spilled my lemonade in her lap, and dumped sand in her hair on the playground. To this day, I’m not sure if I teased her only to observe her wrath, or if I was trying to get her attention because of the crush I had on her.
 
10



This is so far just another of my little something in my Story Journal. I doubt I'll ever finish it lol since I've never finished a story before XD I guess it's because I really don't think it's worth finishing...


The great beast cocked his head up to stare his soon-to-be killer in the face. The young boy stared back, clenching the naked sword in his tight, sweaty fists. Their eyes locked onto each other, trying to depict the other’s current thoughts. Death, as you know, is a terrible thing for any living creature; what’s worse then death though, is an individual to have caused that death for the wrong reason or maybe just simply for no reason at all. Have you ever squashed a bug when you were young and didn’t even give it a second thought? Well, try to imagine yourself as this teenage boy with sweaty fists raising the great golden gilded sword above his head, while staring into the big eyes of a living creature with feelings…and an understanding in those big eyes.
The sweaty-fisted boy instantly became a killer as he hacked his sword down onto the creature’s massive neck. Life is a precious thing. Treasure it. Live on. That of course is if, you are not living in these times; trained to kill, kill to train. That is the life, of any teenage boy in the country of Amdus.
 
10/10

The movie Big Fish by Tim Burton in Disney style

Part 1

New Jersey nowadays

Geegaw Hackwrench he remembered that he was stuck underwater in his plane, as a mermaid swam by, or was it imaginary?

Gadget Hackwrench she heard that underwater story so many times as a kid, but she refused to believe it.

It was the last days of the old Geegaw, and he laid in a clinic with a young Gadget by his side.

"There is more than this story!" did Geegaw say to his daughter. "But you must believe me!"

"What else did you do dad?" was Gadget asking her father.

"It starts here in New Jersey, where I was raised as a kid."

New Jersey 1960's

Geegaw and some other small mice was gathered in Demon's Alley, as it was a late Halloween night.

"I only see cars with strange people inside, but no witch as you told me!" did Geegaw say to his friends.

Nobody was out in the unusual quiet village, as th kids had searched for the witch in long time.

"There is a cult around here, and they might get us!" but Geegaw said "That is just a fairytale!"

Later on did the mice reach a strange abandoned house, and the kids knocked on the door.

The kids met a very old mouse, and she looked like a witch with an eyepatch as told.

"Help! It's her!" did Geegaw shout, as he and his friends ran all they could.

Part 2

"I heard you worked in a circus too." did Gadget say to her dad.

"That's true, and here's how I fell in love."

New York City 1970's

It was summer, and Geegaw he got a job in a circus.

Geegaw he met with Buster the dog who worked in the circus, and he came from New England.

The mouse he could not believe what Buster he told, as he had a break after selling balloons.

Buster he told the most amzing things Geegaw he was, and it was before he was born.

Some days later after cleaning up at the elephants, was he going to the show.

Buster and his circus dogs from New England, and Scamp and Angel too performed.

Suddenly did he see a white mouse that came from the United Kingdom, and it was Miss Kitty.

Geegaw he felt how time stood still, as he walked ove in slow motion to the female mouse.

Everything stood still in the circus, as he held Miss Kitty.
 
Back
Top