Sons Of Tashbaan
- Thread starter Tarkaan
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Tarkaan
New member
The following morning he had spent going through the documents and discussing matters with his chamberlain. On the rare occasions Radeesh was home, the man had unsuccessfully attempted to broach the topic of finances with him but each time Radeesh had dismissed him, telling him to keep on doing it like he used to do for his father.
Written notification of the forfeit of concessions from the guilds had arrived a few days ago and in complete desperation the man had taken them, along with the accounts, to his master’s elder cousin who promised to bring the matter to his attention.
The chamberlain also informed him, to his dismay, that the gold mines, which were on his father’s former land, were amongst the most productive the empire had ever known.
Radeesh wandered up to his room, his world changed. A couple of days ago he was so sure of what he would do with his life. As he bid farewell to Danush, his friend had reminded him of a childhood incident.
“Do you remember Radi when we were boys at the Garland Festival and we ran smack bang into the old Tisroc and his courtiers?” Of course he had remembered. They should have been paying attention to the music but boys being boys boredom soon set in and they set off to explore.
“And do you remember what Basaam said when the Tisroc asked us what we thought of the charming young lady singing and playing the dulcimer?”
Radeesh had laughed as his friend reminded him.
“Everyone thinks she’s wonderful but she’s actually very bossy!”
Danush had looked away at that point and struggled with what he had to say next. “Radi, as much as I admire your cousin and am grateful for her intervention, you’ll never be free to live your own life, if you don’t get away from her. She will always find a way of drawing you into her web. I hope the man who finally marries her has a strong character, he’s going to need it.”
At the time he had seen the wisdom of Danush’s words but what now? The shadow of his father’s murder and the dissolution of his estate hung over him. Life was easier for Danush, as his family were landed gentry and never much bothered with affairs in the capital and how he now envied him for that.
The old saying by that famous assassinated diplomat came to his mind. “The experience of the Calormen court was comparable to being sealed in a sarcophagus with a thousand vipers”. How very true that now seemed to be and yet he knew he had barely scratched the surface.
He looked forlornly at his bow hanging on the wall and picked up his kit bag which he had discarded a few days ago. A parcel fell out and onto the floor. He bent down and picked it up. He had completely forgotten about it being there and he undid the ribbon which tied it together.
A divine and familiar scent of rose oil pervaded his senses, as he drew out a silken scarf. It was delicate and beautifully embroidered and he knew at once who it was from. Within the courtly etiquette of his culture this was the most significant symbol an unmarried girl could give to a young man for whom she felt deep affection.
He closed his eyes and could almost sense her in the room with him. He held it softly to his face.
Opening his eyes, he looked at the detail closely. Around the edges ran a intricate motif of rose briars and ravens and to his astonishment, embroidered from golden thread in the centre of the scarf, a stunning lion rampant.
The End
Written notification of the forfeit of concessions from the guilds had arrived a few days ago and in complete desperation the man had taken them, along with the accounts, to his master’s elder cousin who promised to bring the matter to his attention.
The chamberlain also informed him, to his dismay, that the gold mines, which were on his father’s former land, were amongst the most productive the empire had ever known.
Radeesh wandered up to his room, his world changed. A couple of days ago he was so sure of what he would do with his life. As he bid farewell to Danush, his friend had reminded him of a childhood incident.
“Do you remember Radi when we were boys at the Garland Festival and we ran smack bang into the old Tisroc and his courtiers?” Of course he had remembered. They should have been paying attention to the music but boys being boys boredom soon set in and they set off to explore.
“And do you remember what Basaam said when the Tisroc asked us what we thought of the charming young lady singing and playing the dulcimer?”
Radeesh had laughed as his friend reminded him.
“Everyone thinks she’s wonderful but she’s actually very bossy!”
Danush had looked away at that point and struggled with what he had to say next. “Radi, as much as I admire your cousin and am grateful for her intervention, you’ll never be free to live your own life, if you don’t get away from her. She will always find a way of drawing you into her web. I hope the man who finally marries her has a strong character, he’s going to need it.”
At the time he had seen the wisdom of Danush’s words but what now? The shadow of his father’s murder and the dissolution of his estate hung over him. Life was easier for Danush, as his family were landed gentry and never much bothered with affairs in the capital and how he now envied him for that.
The old saying by that famous assassinated diplomat came to his mind. “The experience of the Calormen court was comparable to being sealed in a sarcophagus with a thousand vipers”. How very true that now seemed to be and yet he knew he had barely scratched the surface.
He looked forlornly at his bow hanging on the wall and picked up his kit bag which he had discarded a few days ago. A parcel fell out and onto the floor. He bent down and picked it up. He had completely forgotten about it being there and he undid the ribbon which tied it together.
A divine and familiar scent of rose oil pervaded his senses, as he drew out a silken scarf. It was delicate and beautifully embroidered and he knew at once who it was from. Within the courtly etiquette of his culture this was the most significant symbol an unmarried girl could give to a young man for whom she felt deep affection.
He closed his eyes and could almost sense her in the room with him. He held it softly to his face.
Opening his eyes, he looked at the detail closely. Around the edges ran a intricate motif of rose briars and ravens and to his astonishment, embroidered from golden thread in the centre of the scarf, a stunning lion rampant.
The End
The ending is sweet--and definitely makes me want to know more about Radi's love interest. (I love that line about the "famous assassinated diplomat.")
As far as constructive criticism goes, one of the things that immediately jumped out to me has more to do with punctuation than the writing itself. For one example, in the line “Do you remember Radi when we were boys at the Garland Festival and we ran smack bang into the old Tisroc and his courtiers?" the name "Radi" should be set off by commas, since it is a noun of direct address. I've noticed other comma issues elsewhere. Minor errors, maybe, but being careful with your punctuation would make the story much easier to read.
At any rate, you've got my curiosity piqued, and I really like the way you have created a society for Radi to live in, with its own customs and evils beyond what Lewis mentioned in HHB. Keep going!
As far as constructive criticism goes, one of the things that immediately jumped out to me has more to do with punctuation than the writing itself. For one example, in the line “Do you remember Radi when we were boys at the Garland Festival and we ran smack bang into the old Tisroc and his courtiers?" the name "Radi" should be set off by commas, since it is a noun of direct address. I've noticed other comma issues elsewhere. Minor errors, maybe, but being careful with your punctuation would make the story much easier to read.
At any rate, you've got my curiosity piqued, and I really like the way you have created a society for Radi to live in, with its own customs and evils beyond what Lewis mentioned in HHB. Keep going!
Last edited:
narniaguardian
New member
I think he would take responsibility and stay in Tashbaan. He would then become cunning and brave and end up fleeing for his life after he's falsely found to be in a Pro-Narnia group. He then flies to Archenland to see Aravis, who is his cousin or something. He is fighting to get his lands back and subvert an attempted plot to assassinate somebody or other. Dunno.
Tarkaan
New member
Many thanks Copperfox. Coming from a writer of your talent, that is praise indeed. I have a few more chapters to complete, then I'll start to post it up.
I wouldn't do it until then, as I tweak passages as I go along.
Copperfox
Well-known member
That's the way Evening Star works. But I just plunge right into posting, and make any changes _while_ I'm in progress. I grant you, this can occasionally produce a blunder. For instance, in "Alipang Havens," I originally gave the first name of Dolores to the wife of my hero's martial-arts instructor; but as time passed, I forgot this, and somehow began calling her Corazon in later installments. Eventually I recalled the original name, so I had to go all through the story and change all the Corazons into Doloreses.
narniaguardian
New member
I love this story, I think it is very original and fresh. I like the concept and the fact that you're exploring the Calormens (?) I think more people need to do stuff with them and the Archenlanders. Very well written also.
PS
Thanks for the comment, I really appreciate it.
PS
Thanks for the comment, I really appreciate it.
Tarkaan
New member
I think it'd be a disaster if I did it that way. My stories have a way of writing themselves which means they can take twists and turns which I hadn't quite planned for.
This often makes dialogue in preceding passages completely illogical. There'd be multiple holes and inconsistencies in the plot if I didn't revise what I'd written.
That's flying by the seat of your pants
Tarkaan
New member
Many thanks narniaguardian. I don't know why I got inspired. It just seems to have happened after I read the stories to my son.