Spacebullies Two: The Search For More Parody

In Stalingrad, three Shadythings were getting beaten senseless by the Exquisite She-Hunk, though their claws and their flame attacks did inflict some non-disabling damage in return. But the other twelve, instead of helping their fellow evil space aliens, fanned out in search of the underground shelters. Each monster broke into the first shelter it could find. Because this is not a modern evil-is-omnipotent horror story, the creatures didn't kill anybody; but each one, having cast what amounted to a fear-spell on the defenseless Russians, chose three or four adult humans as captives. This was by the orders of Granny Rudeness; she had in mind to program these captives as INTELLIGENT servants of Twerpseid, in contrast to the Pukedemons.

Not that the Pukedemons were useless. Their swarming attack was pinning down regular army, KGB, the "militia" police.... and the Interior Troops led by Irina Beriya.

Relief came in the form of MiG-25's and Su-27's from the nearest air force base. They slew more than a hundred still-airborne Pukedemons, and one Shadything that they could strafe on the ground without killing noncombatants. The humans taken captive by this particular Shadything had found the boldness to run away from it, when the monster got greedy and tried to round up additional civilians; this had enabled the jets to pour enough cannon fire into it to kill even this monster. The air support enabled the hard-pressed ground-level fighters (including She-Hunk) to improve their positions and help casualties. But all of the jet fighters were shot down, excepting nine which had been the first nine to run out of ammunition and had withdrawn.

During all of this, the Fantastic Two had been on their way aboard an Egyptian jet, proceeding as they had done to enter Cairo's airspace. Bailing out five miles from the outskirts of Stalingrad, the sister towed her brother again, approaching at an altitude higher than any of the Pukedemons were flying. In a strenuous exertion, Jimmy both made himself and Sushi invisible, and maintained a protective screen below them, lest they be hit by friendly fire.

When the Strum siblings were ready to get into the action, Woman Torch dropped off Unfindable Man on a rooftop where Grakabikrak had just alighted. Sushi stayed airborne, frying Pukedemons. The sapient lobsteroid protected Jimmy while he gained his second wind. Then, going invisible again, Jimmy descended a fire escape. Reaching the street, he discovered a new feature of his power: when HE was invisible, he could see others who were also invisible.

There was an invisible Shadything-- he just intuitively KNEW that only he could see it-- sneaking up behind some of the "militia" police officers.
Jimmy instantly set up an invisible barrier between the monster and the police officers, and found that the monster didn't seem aware of his action. It flung a shimmering wave of flame at the uniformed Russians, only to find its attack bouncing back into it. But if there was any possibility of a Shadything being damaged by its own energy returning, it clearly would not happen when the monster was not enclosed. Still, Jimmy's action alerted the police officers, who spun around and opened fire at the alien creature. (The reversal of its flame attack had at least done so much good as to shock it back into visibility.)

Unfindable Man was almost too slow about reconstituting his barrier to protect himself. Two of the Stalingrad cops wielded rocket launchers borrowed from the regular army. The Shadything didn't die, but was hurt badly enough that it fled. Jimmy might have chased that one, but he realized that there were probably a multitude of still-unwounded hostiles he should be fighting.

He soon thought of another use for his power. He formed an energy construct as a Green Flashlight would have done, and swung a gigantic invisible tennis racquet to knock ten or twelve of the free-flying Pukedemons to the ground.

Meanwhile, on the streets, She-Hunk was getting better acquainted with Shadythings the hard way. She was far stronger than any three of them, and could survive their flame attacks with minimal damage. (As a concession to the physics of combustion, without ever saying that She-Hunk lost her clothing, Copperfox the Author decided to say that her HAIR was burned off.) She would beat them to the pavement, breaking their limbs, but they wouldn't die. She knew that at least one Shadything HAD been slain for sure, by high-powered aerial ordnance. She reflected that maybe she was going too easy on them, because as She-Hunk she really WAS gentle and sweet-natured.

Along the way, she noticed a K.G.B. man shooting a flamethrower at a visible Shadything. The monster recoiled; was at least uncomfortable; but then advanced at the K.G.B. man again. So she ran to the man's rescue, seizing the Shadything and body-slamming it five times (the way Original Hulk did to Loki in the first Avengers movie). It was at the least crippled for now, so Jasmine ran along to find more action.

Catching Woman Torch's attention, when Torch was passing at low altitude, She-Hunk shouted, "I don't think heat can kill those things, short of a nuclear blast or a fuel-air bomb!"

Hearing her and coming to a hover, Sushi Strum shouted back, "Then I'll stick to other targets! Get with Jimmy if you can!"

Jasmine pointed along a momentarily empty street. "First, please sweep this street! Your flame CAN show if an invisible thing is there!"

Sushi did as asked, and confirmed that a four-block extent of street was, for the moment, empty of Shadythings. Then Jasmine radioed Irina to say that her present location could become a rally point.
 
Last edited:
Green Flashlight Poradsimu had just flown over to the Don River waterfront, because Pukedemons had opened fire on a river ship which was trying to carry civilians away from Stalingrad. There were numerous children on board, so Copperfox, an author who loves children, refused to let any of them be hit by the beams from the Awkwardlispian weapons. But in order that the story should not be deprived of ALL sense of drama, several dozen adults on the ship suffered non-fatal second-degree burns on their left shoulders; and the ship's hull was breached.

Coincidentally, the arriving Falfoozian utilized a technique similar to the one Jimmy Sushi had used not long before: he created a giant green flyswatter, then executed a complex move with it, which dashed the nearest fourteen Pukedemons into the river. Next, he flew ahead of the stricken ship, and took advantage of his literally having eyes in the back of his head. He held his Flashlight-bearing hand straight up, so he could make its energy reach ahead and behind at the same time. Guided by his rearward-looking eyes, he locked a tractor beam onto the ship's bow; and with his forward-looking eyes, he watched where he was going-- and could see to shoot down another seven Pukedemons ahead of him. Starting as gradually as the situation allowed (so that a too-sudden movement would not spill anyone on the ship into the Don), he accelerated rapidly, towing the whole ship upriver to a point three miles away from any part of the continuing combat. Since none of this changed the fact that the ship had below-the-waterline damage, Poradsimu dragged it aground, so the people on board could flee farther on land.

The blocky-bodied Green Flashlight returned downriver fast enough that no Pukedemons had time to receive any possible orders to chase the watergoing vessel. Flying back toward downtown Stalingrad, he came back shooting. From there, less than two minutes passed before he and the two other flying superheroes all began coordinating. They all flew in a broad clockwise circle, evenly spaced along this horizontal course like the numbers twelve, four and eight on a rotary clock, but each one changing altitude at will. By this maneuver, they could see and shoot at enemies above nearly every part of the Soviet capital. Between them, the additional two superheroes at street level, and the surviving military and law-enforcement personnel still in action, they gained ground in whittling down the invasion force.

But the hesitation of Granny Rudeness to show herself on this Earth was not simply a matter of cowardice or laziness. Once given this assignment, she had intended all the while to let expendable troops absorb as much damage from the defenders as possible. Even the Shadythings were expendable in her mind; why should they be allowed to gain the glory that her hand-picked War Witches should be earning?

The mouth of the dimensional tunnel widened, simultaneously receding farther up into the air. First of the heroes to notice this, Grakabikrak shifted fire without waiting to see what was coming. Woman Torch and Poradsimu followed suit about seven seconds later.

The first visible result of the rapid counterattack was that two anti-gravity vehicles, like those of the Pukedemons but larger, dropped like charred stones from the wormhole's mouth. Accompanying their fall, two scorched humanoid corpses dropped like lost pieces of charcoal.

Remotely viewing all of this from their disgusting dimension of evilness, Kuth-Hula-Hoop, Screendoormammu, Inexorable Trash and other would-be omnipotent gods yelled with futile rage. "That's only supposed to happen to GOOD people!" exclaimed the ghost of Emperor Porkandbeen. "Burning up isn't supposed to happen to OUR side; that violates the cosmic BALANCE!"

But back in conventional story-space, the living good guys were at least equally upset. The just-killed evildoers had not yet hit the ground before a flying-saucer-looking thing made its controlled descent into this Earth's air. It mounted the equivalent of a gigantic police megaphone, and the voice which spoke from it-- in fluent Russian -- sounded like it must belong to the cruelest, most spiteful woman ever born:

"Nizhniye nasekomykh Zemli, nemedlennuh z'dait-yess! Inache, eesho mnogiye pogibnut!" (Lowly insects of Earth, surrender immediately! Otherwise, many more will perish!)

Whatever Granny Rudeness might have said further was drowned out by six ground-to-air missiles hitting the flying saucer, joined by renewed attacks from Woman Torch and the two Green Flashlights. The evil ship remained airborne; but several protrusions which might have been weapon turrets appeared to have been damaged. The spaceship evaded laterally, drawing more ground fire after it.

The intent, and the success, of this maneuver, became evident when another eleven figures on large sky-scooters dropped out of the dimensional tunnel and scattered. Once the War Witches (for it was they) were dispersed and hard to hit, the saucer fired blaster beams from two still-intact weapon emplacements to demolish a large stone building. (This building was already completely evacuated, because family-friendly story; but falling pieces of it killed some soldiers below, because can't have EVERYTHING be fluffy-gentle.)
 
Last edited:
Without a word spoken, Woman Torch and the two Green Flashlights all decided it was time to stop merely reacting, time to counterattack. Having flown in positions twelve o'clock, four o'clock and eight o'clock, they shifted to fly more like twelve o'clock, two o'clock and four o'clock. Now they still were dispersed targets for the enemy, but were on approach vectors where they couldn't hit each other. Within this attack plan, they still used evasive action, but they were close enough together that they could all hit the flying saucer at the same point on its hull. This, after they had as far as they knew disabled all external weapons which could bear on them. When the saucer began rotating to bring still-working weapons to bear, the three airborne heroes moved with its motion .

Grakabikrak and Poradsimu, through their Flashlights, could communicate more easily with each other than either could with Sushi Strum. But Grakabikrak's idea could be implemented without needing to tell Sushi.

While Sushi focused on making one spot on the ship's exterior' hot, the Green Flashlights mentally commanded their Flashlights to cause COLD. They saw no cracks forming on the saucer; but they must have been having an effect. Poradsimu's eyes could SEE radio waves, and he saw signals going down toward the alien women on their snowmobile-shaped flyers. The captain of the spacecraft must feel a need to call for assistance..

Poradsimu gestured for his companions to break off. Sushi, whose flame was weakening a bit, flew away with evasive turns. But Grakabikrak delayed retreating till she tried one more tactic. Willing her energy to wrap around her main pincers (she had big lobster-type claws, plus four smaller appendages which did the work of hands for her species), she grasped and broke off as many still-intact external structures on the ship as she could reach, before a blaster shot glanced from her fortunately-strong exoskeleton. Then she fled.

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / /

Sushi found her brother, shut off her flame, and took refuge inside his force field while he handed her a flask full of protein shake. Nourishment would help her to bring her flame power back to its peak, because even a fantasy story shouldn't completely ignore thermodynamics and a living creature's need for biochemical energy.

Of all the superheroes defending Stalingrad, Jasmine Waterford was by far the least affected by fatigue: primarily because of her gamma-ray empowerment, but also because of motivation. In her life before transformation, she had known many obese or otherwise physically-unattractive girls who refused to be bitter, and who MADE others respect them for their intelligence and other positive qualities. At least two such girls of her acquaintance had won the love of handsome men, because those men came to love those girls FOR WHO THEY WERE. But the pre-She-Hunk Jasmine had preferred to feel sorry for herself and hate other people. Now that she could be more beautiful than she had ever even dreamed of being, she was more anxious than ever to prove that her outward looks didn't define her nature. She not only wanted to do good, she NEEDED to do good, and especially for the Russian people who (even if it was motivated by politics) had genuinely welcomed her and liked her AS the still-obese Jasmine.

Now, as her four fellow superheroes all appeared to be getting tired, it was time for She-Hunk to go all in. Time to show what she could really do. For the first time since her secret training days, she LEAPED: four hundred feet straight up, accurately intercepting one of Granny Rudeness' War Witches in flight. .
 
The particular warrior woman whom She-Hunk had intercepted and disarmed was plainly humanoid rather than human. Her anatomy was very human, though her thumbs were wider than human thumbs; but her skin and hair were light blue, and she unaccountably smelled like pea soup.

Jasmine had landed behind her on the saddle, to grasp her from behind, then order her to land and surrender. But Jasmine. having no martial-arts training, didn't realize how many ways there were to hit someone close behind you. She was about to be educated by the woman whose name she would soon learn was Tapidri Drifla.

ONE: maximum flex to elbow, right fist lunges to the rear over the right shoulder to strike Jasmine's right cheek . TWO: Left fist attacks Jasmine's left cheek the same way. THREE: head straight back to hit Jasmine's nose. FOUR AND FIVE: right and left elbows to Jasmine's ribs.; anyway, trying to hit Jasmine's ribs, not that it would have mattered if they had connected. Jasmine's capturing arms were still in place, and were in the way of the elbow jabs reaching any ribs.

"Can you understand my words?" Jasmine asked in English.

After two more head butts had no effect, the blue woman grudgingly replied, "Yes, inferior being, I understand your noises."

Unseen by her captive, the She-Hunk smiled ruefully. "I really am inferior to you in some things. If I weren't simply too strong for you to hurt me hand to hand, those moves of yours would have put me out of action right away. Once we become friends, you could--"

Though powerless to hurt Jasmine, a repeated one-two of reverse punches punctuated the alien beauty's contemptuous reply: "Friends with you? You'll be lucky if I allow you to sweep my floors!"

"If either of us is put to forced labor, sweetie, it'll be you. Or have you not noticed that YOU'RE the ones invading US? Now I repeat, put this flyer on the ground, prisoner!"

"And be a servant, when I should be giving orders? Never!" Impressing Jasmine once again, Tapidri Drifla raised her feet above the level of her flyer's steering yoke, pulled her upper body downward, and freed herself by resisting Jasmine's grip in a different DIRECTION than Jasmine was prepared to counter. Shouting "Death before cowardice," she threw herself into empty air.

Jasmine had never so far killed, or caused the death of, anything remotely human. Hoping she was doing it right, she heaved the steering yoke forward for a dive. Diving faster than Tapidri was falling, Jasmine overtook her-- just as the flyer began swerving away. The only way to get hold of Tapidri now was to lunge toward her, losing contact with the flyer. Enfolding the still-resisting blue woman in her arms again, Jasmine got her body under the other woman's body. Falling face up, while ignoring Tapidri's futile attempts to bite into her throat, Jasmine cradled Tapidri's head against her shoulder, hoping to protect the alien's cervical spine from breaking. Meanwhile, the runaway sky-sled crashed against the side of an office building, hurting no one, because comicbook spirit. And then---

WHUMMP!! Jasmine's back, with the back of her head, struck the pavement. The impact would have been enough to kill Jasmine three times, had she been in her original form. As it was, the She-Hunk was only dazed and sore. It proved to be for the best that Tapidri had been trying to pry loose from her rescuer to the last instant. If she had hugged Jasmine in return, her forearms would have been crushed under Jasmine at the instant they hit. Instead, with Jasmine's protective embrace now slackened, Tapidri could lift herself up, to sit in a daze on her captor and rescuer's stomach.

Doing a jaw motion to activate her comms earbug, Tapidri shouted in her own language: "Grandmother ship! Witch Drifla needs retrieval! Triangulate on my position!" But there was no acknowledgement, and the blue woman realized that she had lost her earbug. Standing up, she yelled angrily at the sky, "Come here NOW, vlugragap you all to Mivjeb!! I slew the green beast! I deserve respect!"

An instant later, a mighty hand caught her right ankle and pulled her off balance. Before Tapidra could struggle, two human males appeared over her, with guns pointed at her stomach. She-Hunk sat up, gestured at Tapidri, and told the soldiers, "I don't think she's grateful for my saving her life."

Even so, in the depth of her secret heart, Tapidri suddenly DID realize that her enemy had intentionally absorbed the impact to save Tapidri's life.
 
Last edited:
We Interrupt This Prolonged Action Sequence To Offer Another Summary!

This update will be a little different. I've introduced so many characters that any one of them could be neglected for weeks. Therefore, the following is a review more of the enormous cast than of the most recent events. Naturally, though, describing the most recently CREATED characters will help to clarify recent events.

GROAN STARR, PRINCESS VIXEN, PUKE, BOT INDEX, and YOGA-RUG: // These are my versions of the good guys in "Spaceballs: the Movie," which was my starting point for creating this epic spoof-story in the first place. Wood Nymph suggested it. In the movie, Mel Brooks never told us WHAT place "Lone Starr" was a prince OF; therefore, I decided that he would be a native of my version of the classical sci-fi planet Arrakis, a.k.a. Dune. In this story-reality, Groan Starr is an additional child of my versions of Duke Leto and Lady Jessica. My version of Yoda is more clearly presented as the senior member of my version of the Jedi Corps.

MUDDY-DRIP ASHTRAYIDES, JAZZICA, TRA-LA-LALIA, BUNKEM ISOTOPE, STILLNEATER, GLADIOLA, COUNT HAVABEER, PRINCESS EERILAKE and HAXADOFF: // These, with others, are based on "Dune" characters. Note that my version of Paul Muad'dib is seen only in mystical appearances, because this is after his dying more or less the way he does in the books. Their situation approximates conditions after the end of "Children of Dune," except that my versions of Alia and Mentat Duncan have neither died nor turned bad. Groan Starr was born between Muddy-Drip and Tra-La-Lalia, but was transported away from "Srirachiss" because his father, Duke Neato, wanted SOMEONE in the Ashtrayides family to be kept away from the apparent curse on the desert planet. Jazzica, trained by the "Penny Jezebels," is aware that Planet Srirachiss, like other worlds in this epic, owes its existence to storytelling. All the characters really exist in this universe, with souls and free will; but they are affected (though not completely controlled) by what authors on Original Earth make up. Accordingly, the Ashtrayides family wants to seek ways of making their story less gloomy.

BOB SNOOZE, DARK HEADGEAR, ADMIRAL BLENDER, PERRY KUSHUN, and KRAYZEE FIREFLAW: // These are my versions of the bad guys in "Spaceballs." Picking up after the ending of "Spaceballs," they escape to their home world, only to find that good guys have staged a revolution. A version of Ahsoka Tano is present, to overpower Dark Headgear, who thus gets arrested along with his President. But Admiral Blender escapes, and allies get Dark Headgear out of prison later. Admiral Blender travels to my version of Geidi Prime from the Dune books

BARON MEEDI OGRE SNARKONNEN, DOCTOR DIZWARN, QUARKIE and ZINGDASH: Takeoffs on Frank Herbert villains, as they might exist after the events in "Children of Dune." Dizwarn is my version of a Bene Tleilaxu scientist, and is neck-deep in the far-reaching evil plot to make people everywhere lose hope that evil can ever be defeated. Quarkie is a resident of Planet Greedy Crime who becomes Blender's girlfriend. Zingdash is a parody of the Navigators. There are also counterparts of Frank Herbert's Face Dancers working for the Snarkonnens; one of these, named Fooldemall, infiltrates the ape-ruled world seen at the end of the movie. I imagine "Chimpanzia" as being in the same solar system as Princess Vixen's native planet "Directvideo," which almost lost its atmosphere. The two planets are on good terms with each other, although the Chimpanzians had no means of helping Groan Starr when he thwarted Dark Headgear's plans. Disguised as an ape, Fooldemall infiltrated Directvideo, but his efforts to sow discord there ended when he was arrested by my version of Jedi Master Plo Koon.

THE STARSHIP GRUNTS, BUBBLEWRAP FIVE, and the FLASHLIGHT CORPS: Less prominent than the previously listed characters, I nonetheless have takeoffs on characters from Robert Heinlein, J. Michael Straczynski, and DC comics. Juan Ricosuave, Lizzy Florist, and other Starship Grunts, wage war against the evil Creepycrawlids. The inhabitants of Bubblewrap Five, including Captain Broccoli, Josh Cordwood, Security Chief Snack Salad, and Doctor Frank Stevia, are shown in circumstances close to the fifth season of "Babylon Five." Numerous versions of Green Lanterns are seen, and they are depicted as knowing more about the total universe than most other characters know.

The reader needs to understand that I imagine multiple versions of our Earth existing independently of each other ......but that I do NOT buy the ridiculous notion that EVERY CHOICE anyone makes creates an entire NEW UNIVERSE. This makes a mockery both of God's plan for Creation, and of the law of conservation of energy. All of my Earths are supposed to be materially present in the same physical universe as Original Earth, just placed very far from each other. The "Green Flashlights" are aware of this, as are my versions of the characters in "Thor" comics.

My "Hallpasscardians," including versions of Sif and the Warriors Three, work with a version of The Avengers who live on "their" Earth. In this world, versions of Captain America and Black Widow get married TO EACH OTHER-- which, in the absence of a chance to marry Peggy Carter, is the right and obvious thing for Cap to do.
 
Last edited:
ADDITIONAL REVIEW

To this day, Microsoft programs continue to be GARBAGE. My laptop absolutely LOVES to erase my writings for no reason, just when I think it's working right. So, a super-brief summation to replace what it stole.

COMICBOOK HEROES PARODIED include Adam Strange, Aquaman, Atomic Skull converted to goodness, Batman, Black Canary, Black Widow, the Blackhawks, Captain America, Charles Xavier, Cyborg, Daredevil, Dick Tracy, DOCTOR Strange, Falcon, the Fantastic Four, the Flash, Green Arrow, Huntress, Iron Man, TWO Harley Quinns both converted to goodness on different Earths, Shazam, She-Hulk, Silver Banshee converted to goodness, Star Sapphire converted to goodness, Supergirl, Superman, the Teen Titans, Thor, "V for Vendetta," War Machine, and Zatanna.

ON MY VERSION OF DUNE, Lady Jazzica of the Penny Jezebels decided she must seek and assist her son Groan Starr and daughter Trala-Lalia. She brought her granddaughter Gladiola with her, but left grandson Stillneater behind, so he could gain experience in governing a planet.

OFF TO ONE SIDE, My versions of He-Man, Teela and Man-at-Arms escaped from a stunning overthrow of their world, while a FAKE Teela pretended to be maintaining the civilization there. The good guys find a surprising ally in Mugwumpa, who is based on a monster in Sailor Moon cartoons but here is a convert to goodness.

THE MOST SET-APART STORY ARC so far is in a steampunk-ish world, where the central hero is a version of Stephen King's gunslinger-knight in the Dark Tower series. "Ronald of Goliad" is finding padawan-equivalents to become new gunslingers, because the gunslinger-knights are a vital defense for humanity against evil forces.
 
Last edited:
One digression before we rejoin She-Hunk

On Planet Toofah-Roff, Yoga-Rug's home planet, in the riverside village once defended by The Banjolorian, three females of three races, and roughly representing three generations, had enjoyed a pleasantly busy day of helping to construct two new cabins. The two non-locals in this trio were more than glad to work at this job, since they were both too tall to feel comfortable inside Toofah-Roffian houses, and the new cabins were designed to give the especially tall Fuss user Zubdookree MORE head clearance indoors than barely four inches when standing upright directly under the roof peak.

With sunset near, and a wholesome fish dinner digesting in their stomachs, Zubdookree joined Melodica the ex-criminal, Bestbaya the great-niece of Yoga-Rug, many more of the green-skinned, long-eared villagers, and some of the friendly human soldiers, to listen to human music around a bonfire of scrap lumber and pulled-up icky-vines. Master Moose Windchime sat on a rock, tuning his acoustic guitar-- which, in his hands, was a channel of The Fuss to resist evil.

Melodica, Bestbaya, and most adults present, realized well by now something which Master Yoga-Rug had long understood. The Fuss was not, by itself, the whole basis of existence. Rather, this impersonal energy field was PERMITTECD to exist by the REAL Creator of all things, as part of the adventure of the story-universe. Indeed, centuries ago, Toofah-Roffians had heard Yoga-Rug repeat a saying from Original Earth: "God created people because He loves stories."

When the bald human up-sider was ready to sing, he remarked: "The song I'll start with, like the last one I sang, was actually composed by Copperfox, the Original Earth man who is chronicling our adventures right now. Here goes;" and he went into a lively rhythm-and-blues tune, one for which Melodica could imagine a horn section backing up the singer.

What do you love? That's a question / Easy to ask, seldom resolved.
All the things and people call your name, lay their claim, / Get you involved.

How do you love? With a passion, / Or with a sweet, delicate bliss?
Do you want the love of someone nice? / Then let Christ give you a kiss.

It's not the kiss of death, or a kiss of bad breath,
Lusting or disgusting; be a little trusting!
You could never find love as lovely as this;
How can you refuse a holy kiss?

What can you lose, when you throw / Yourself in the arms of Jesus Christ?
You can lose your doubt and guilt and fear! / Now He's near; are you enticed?

How can you lose with a love / That constantly give more than it takes?
He can take a heart that lies asleep, / Make it leap, when it awakes!

It's not the kiss of death, or a kiss of bad breath,
Lusting or disgusting; be a little trusting!
Jesus has a love too terrific to miss;
How can you refuse a holy kiss?

How can you re-fuuuuuuse a ho-leeeeeee kiss?

Everyone else applauded this, but Melodica sat sunk deeply in thought. When Moose was done singing for the night, she asked Bestbaya and Zubdookree to stay close. She wanted to talk seriously with Moose Windchime, and DIDN'T want anyone to think that all she wanted was to be alone with her hero. There ensued a long and very helpful discussion of spiritual subjects.

 
Last edited:
RIGHT WHERE WE LEFT OFF in Stalingrad, on Earth-Whichever: The most senior of the War Witches in Granny Rudeness' present force was a native of Awkwardlisp, and therefore was the least attractive of the lot, though not hideous. Male Awkwardlispian warriors typically told her they liked her for her bloodthirsty personality, which in fact she took as a compliment. She had urged Granny Rudeness not to come to the Earth end of the dimensional tunnel till Stalingrad was put down, but Granny had insisted on coming here, because she wanted to look superior to Trippenwonk. Now Granny was potentially in personal danger, and Fightlady Zamgriga was determined to neutralize the threat to her boss.

Not that Zamgriga felt affection for Granny Rudeness; but she liked Granny better than she liked Greensodd, Trippenwonk, or Twerpseid himself. And she shrewdly guessed that Granny, after centuries of letting younger women do the male-stomping, was getting cold feet upon meeting a stronger defense than anyone on Awkwardlisp had anticipated. So the Fightlady decided to help in a way which would not embarrass the mistress by making her look weak. Zamgriga would gamble that Granny's flying saucer could withstand the counterattacks long enough to let the War Witches capture hostages who could become human shields. Issuing orders to all still-active Witches besides Tapidri Drifla being so stupid as to get captured, a highly promising newbie named Hestaluta had been torn to bits by a crossfire from anti-aircraft guns.

Zamgriga and Granny both were saddened by this loss. Hestaluta had made a fine splash at her very initiation, by killing her own younger siblings to prove her viciousness. You seldom found such a commendable sociopath. But no use crying over spilled poison. The rest of the War Witches followed the Fightlady's orders, and fanned out. They knew from the Urth campaign what human military leaders would probably look like.

There was not even a thought of rescuing Tapidri. If you failed, you deserved to fail.

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

In very much the nick of time, but undetected by the invaders, an additional Green Flashlight entered the fray: Lucy Luminous, whose own Earth had become home to Banjolorian Dim Jargon. The Janitors of Wawa had contacted her and asked her to reinforce John Stewmeat and his Falfoozian and Kudkubkiztikan comrades. Reaching this Earth, she submerged in the Don River ten miles upstream of Stalingrad. With an air-sphere around her, she came downriver unnoticed by either side, then burst into the open sky over the capital of this Earth's Russia.

Lucy, like other Green Flashlights, knew all about Awkwardlisp and its monarch Twerpseid. The Flashlight Corps always tried to avoid taking lives; but if any Awkwardlispians-- especially the insanely-cruel War Witches-- "just happened to die" in the course of an engagement, that would be just too bad. The first hostile target Lucy spotted, however, was one of the much-less-familiar Shadythings. The fact that it was devouring a human corpse relieved Lucy of any hesitation, and she unleashed the maximum fury of her will-driven energy at the monster. When it lay limp on the pavement, SEEMING to be dead, Lucy dismissed it from her mind, and looked for other enemies.

Meanwhile, Sharbadil, the only War Witch present with legs shaped very differently from humanoid legs--they were like the legs of a satyr-- got lucky. Discovering a human command post, she brought away a valuable captive:

Lieutenant-Colonel Irina Beriya of the Interior Troops.
 
Last edited:
Woman Torch, who had just regained the vigor to get back in the action, heard that Irina had been seized, and tried to pursue Sharbadil's flyer. But the War Witch didn't pause to re-board the flying saucer. Instead, she flew right up into the dimensional tunnel and vanished from sight.

When She-Hunk heard the bad news, she was fortunate that she had just finished disabling another Shadything, because she would have been helpless a moment later. She changed back into obese Jasmine Waterford, wailing: "MY ONLY FRIEND! MY ONLY FRIEND!" But she was brought back to short-term reality when the beam of a Pukedemon raygun hit the pavement close to her, giving her left side a sort of sunburn.

More Pukedemons were converging. Jasmine would have been killed before she could change back to She-Hunk, had not Unfindable Man come running to her side. Shielding her, himself, and other nearby humans, Jimmy shouted to his fellow warrior: "We can't help ANY captive unless we beat the invaders HERE! Now get back to work!"

Jasmine's first reaction was a reaction by the OLD Jasmine: "You can't tell me what to do!!" But the anger changed her into She-Hunk; and She-Hunk knew better than to resent the man who had just protected her. "You're right, Jimmy. Has the army leadership requested anything from us?"

"The non-human Green Flashlights are already defending the rest of their senior officers. You and I can try a counterattack on the mothership, if Sushi will give us a boost. We can both survive high falls, but we can't fly UP there."

As soon as Woman Torch did return to her brother, he requested the airlift. Jimmy had Jasmine hold on to him tightly from behind; created an energy-tether as before; then turned himself and She-Hunk invisible as his sister hauled them into the sky. He would have turned Sushi invisible also, but she lacked his ability to see normally if her whole head was transparent; besides, if the enemy had infra-red scanning, he wasn't sure he could prevent them from seeing her heat signature. Still, he did use his power to block enemy shots aimed at her.

When they drew near to the Awkwardlispian flying saucer, Jimmy let himself and Jasmine go visible. One of the spaceship's remaining gun emplacements was traversing to aim at Sushi, but Jimmy used the trick which had already proven successful. Firing while suddenly enclosed inside a force field, the beam weapon destroyed itself-- and created a readymade entryway, once She-Hunk ripped away the turret wreckage.

Now Jasmine yelled, "Jimmy, shield yourself! I'll be okay!" Then she pulled her friend through the opening after her. Jimmy was in fact weary after his repeated exertions protecting others, and paused for half a minute inside his shield. She-Hunk tackled everything in front of her.

Of all flesh-and-blood beings who had originally come to Earth on board the flying saucer, Granny Rudeness was the only one STILL on board capable of putting up any fight worth mentioning against She-Hunk. And that was WITH the twin shock batons she now brought out. Confident that Jasmine could handle the hideous creature, Jimmy sculpted his force field to immobilize the crew members in their seats.

The shock batons delivered enough amperage to kill a hippopotamus, and had some effect on Jasmine-- just not enough. When the electrical weapons were dashed from her grip, and several solar-plexus punches achieved nothing, Granny Rudeness wasted no more breath uttering defiance. Jumping ponderously away from this foe who was as lovely as Granny was disgusting, Granny landed on a teleporting floor-plate. This was a one-and-done emergency device, not usable a second time. The mistress of the War Witches vanished; but at least Jasmine and Jimmy had captured the command ship. Something like memory molecules was already repairing the opening Jasmine had made to get on board.

Facing the species-diverse crew members whom Unfindable Man was holding in place, She-Hunk barked, "I know that some of you understand our speech. Signal your troops NOW; tell them that your leader who just abandoned ship orders them all to withdraw and leave this planet! Say that this ship will depart last, to cover the retreat. You'll actually stay here, as our prisoners. If I even think you might be trying to trick me, I'll start pulling heads off of necks!" Turning toward Jimmy, she whispered, "It would have been going too far if I told them to surrender en masse and hand over all their ordnance to our side."

The false orders were issued, and the saucer began descending. Sushi Strum would surely have let the chain of command know that friendlies were seizing the enemy flagship "That leader got away," Jimmy observed, "but now we have this spacecraft, plus the elite warrior you captured, as bargaining chips." He touched She-Hunk's arm. "We'll hope for the best, as to what and WHOM we can buy back."

With eyes beginning to leak salt water, Jasmine bent down (when she was in this form, Jimmy was seven inches shorter than she), lifted him off his feet, and began kissing him amorously. She definitely had stopped hating men, especially this man. About ten days ago, she had briefly felt attracted to Stony Stork; but Jimmy Sushi had far more warmth about him, and had fought beside her. She knew Jimmy to be over age eighteen, at least; she was twenty-six, but as She-Hunk she definitely looked as young as he. And she was fairly sure that Jimmy's only living close relative would feel no misgivings about this new relationship.

For his part, the effect of this tender attention on Jimmy was at a megawatt level, and was not at all spoiled by the fact that Jasmine was temporarily bald. Nor was he intimidated by her being five hundred times as strong as himself. He knew very well that muscular strength wasn't everything; he had been proving this fact all day.
 
Last edited:
Back on Awkwardlisp, the duty officer at the rear-echelon command center was one of the relatively few beautiful humanoid females on the planet. Grrrryll, the eldest daughter of Twerpseid, was older than Granny Rudeness, but was as never-aging as her father. She looked immeasurably more human-like than he, but had a degree of his ability to shoot beams which could chase a target around corners. As for her external appearance, she could have been just ANY seven-foot-tall black-haired supermodel walking down the street-- except that she never cast a shadow.

She loved darkness, and wanted to keep the normal darkness of her shadow inside her evil heart.

When Granny Rudeness materialized right inside the command center (the programmed terminus for her escape device), screaming, "It's Greensodd's fault," Grrrryll grasped the she-troll by the throat. "Well, you %=\#@:! slug, at least I know you DIDN'T lose all your troops, because you would have run away to save yourself long BEFORE that. So, what's your excuse?"

"The humans had superheroes!"

"We already knew that much, after New Delhi."

"But Greensodd brags about his fact-finding and surveillance-- yet he missed the fact that this Earth enlisted THREE MORE Green Flashlights, besides the one in Cairo."

Grrrryll released her hold on Granny's throat, and seemed to forget her anger. "FOUR total Flashlights? Perhaps you're right about an intel failure on Greensodd's part. But tell me, how well did the Flashlights perform against the Shadythings?"

"Hard to answer, my lady. Those creatures are hard even for our sensors to track. We know for certain that one of them's been killed, but we don't know if this was accomplished by a Flashlight or by other means."

"Very well. If you did anything during the battle besides trembling in fear, you'll be aware that your Witches captured some Earthling military officers in Stalingrad. The first one brought in seems to be pretty senior. Her name is Irina Beriya. At least you're useful at intimidating captives who can't fight back; so question her. Don't injure her severely; I'd like to preserve her to become a Pukedemon squad leader."

"As you command, my lady."

"One more thing: are you sure they don't have any TonKrypians?" Superdude and others like him were among the VERY few side-of-good beings whom Grrrryll feared even a little bit.

"To the best of my knowledge, none. But there was a green-skinned female humanoid there, who showed strength barely any less than a TonKrypian. She easily overpowered Tapidri, and she seems able to beat Shadythings in close-quarters combat."

Grrrryll's wrath against Granny had completely dissipated; she now spoke to the hideous woman as if to a comrade. "Hmmmm, green-skinned? That sounds like something I've heard of, It would be good to take her alive." She turned to the command center's executive officer, a tentacled abomination. "Pweegreefoop, take charge here; use your own judgment if you lose contact with me. I'm going to ride the tube down to this Earth."

Pweegreefoop showed what passed for a smile in his species. He knew that the Flashlight Corps had existed longer than Twerpseid had existed, and that the ruler of Awkwardlisp knew better than to take them lightly, no pun intended. Grrrryll had been bred precisely as a counterforce against Green Flashlights, and she liked nothing better than killing them.
 
Last edited:
UNKNOWN TO GRRRRYLL, OR TO GRANNY RUDENESS, OR TO TWERPSEID---

Corin Webber was on his way, in the spider-like Shadything warship that he had made his own. The semi-living ship still had the ability to locate Shadythings anywhere; but now everything the ship did was by a human will. The will of a man who had been reminded whom it was he really needed to be angry at.

Only thanks to Master Drool did the Earthlyforce veteran realize now that there were multiple near-identical Earths. But this revelation had had no negative effect, because it was the most joyful news imaginable compared to his unwanted familiarity with the Shadythings. A related thought had come to him: that if the Shadythings had ever conquered the Earth he knew, there were other Earths to carry on human history.

Now his focus was on the beings who had changed him into a thing of rage and spite. Combing the ship's database, he ascertained that the Shadythings had long been cordially acquainted with Planet Awkwardlisp and its monarch Twerpseid. Each side had regarded the other as amateurs; but Corin was convinced that it was Awkwardlisp which was a minor-league outfit. For certain-sure, although Awkwardlispian dimensional tunnels were impressive, the Shadything tech-base was overall superior where mobility and intel-collection were concerned.

And the left-behind Shadythings who now COLLABORATED WITH Awkwardlisp were going to be reminded.

Corin felt confident that he could strike Awkardlisp with total surprise, and get clear before Twerpseid could retaliate with his direction-changing beams. But the memory of military duty directed him first to come to the aid of his fellow humans on Earth-Whichever, and was in harmony with vengeance upon the Shadythings.

Very few spacefaring races-- even the Mintcandybarri-- could match the Shadythings for efficient use of hyperspace. Corin could safely emerge from hyperspace WITHIN an atmosphere. And so he did.
 
Last edited:
Grrrryll had wasted no time dropping into Stalingrad. She could fly, albeit much slower than Superdude, and her body temperature was too low to catch the attention of heat-seeking human missiles. Fireballs shot in passing by Woman Torch were ineffective on her, and she was higher up than She-Hunk could leap. The daughter of Twerpseid could cheerfully concentrate on locating the Green Flashlights, and secondarily on assisting any Shadythings who were in trouble.

But she would have done better, before leaving headquarters, to have asked Granny Rudeness for a physical description of the three additional Green Flashlights defending Stalingrad. Humans and Falfoozians were nothing unheard-of to Twerpseid's daughter; but it happened that Grakabikrak was the very first Kudkubkiztikan ever admitted to the Flashlight Corps.

Lucy Luminous and Poradsimu didn't even realize their danger before Grrrryll had siphoned the entire charge out of their Flashlights, which dropped them out of the air. Both of them suffered numerous broken bones. Their lobsteroid friend, however, evaded Grrryll's immediate attention, because Grrrryll didn't know what to look for. As her world's first Green Flashlight, Grakabikrak had assiduously studied the history of the Corps, including its worst antagonists. She knew what Grrrryll could do, and she knew what more than one past Flashlight had done to survive an encounter with her. Grrrryll could not be defeated by Green Flashlight energy..... but she was not immune to being hit with heavy objects hurled or swung BY Green Flashlight energy.

Grrrryll was distracted using her darkness power to blind the crew of one of the defenders' few remaining heavy-weapon mounts, a rapid-fire 25mm cannon. The shells were hitting her hard enough to be a major nuisance; and she hoped that, once blinded, the gunners would still try to hit her, and would instead kill humans. But the gunners had better sense, and simply ceased fire, bravely awaiting death.

However, if Grrrryll might have taken a moment to kill them, she wasn't given that moment. A six-ton segment of masonry from a wrecked building, moving at a speed over forty feet per second, crashed into the back of her head. Falling forward onto her face, she didn't see the shape of her attacker, nor saw which way Grakabikrak evaded. Only after a second massive piece of debris struck her left temple did she see where this attack had come from. This time the crustacean heroine failed to get out of sight, and her Flashlight was depowered as the others had been; and unlike her two fellow Flashlights, Grakabikrak was right in front of her foe.

Defiant to the last, the gallant Kudkubkiztikan attacked Grrrryll with her pincers-- and attacked intelligently, even now. Instead of trying to penetrate intact skin, she drove each pincer into one of the wounds she had already inflicted. Her enemy's shriek of pain was the last thing Grakabikrak heard--

--before she heard AsaLion telling her, "Well done, My dear child. You fought faithfully against evil, and henceforth you need not fight anymore. Now, a man called Lone Monkey would like to talk with you."

\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \

Rising from its owner's broken body, the orphaned Flashlight flew away into space, in search of the next worthy wearer.

As of now, Earth-Whichever had no operational Green Flashlights. The wounded John Stewmeat had brought a recharging unit with him, but days might pass before Poradsimu or Lucy would have access to it.

Grakabikrak's death had not been for nothing. Grrrryll was dizzy and hurting, thinking now only of escape. One of the Shadythings found her and helped her to scramble toward the flying saucer, which Jasmine and Jimmy had landed and then left empty, because they couldn't use it effectively. The K.G.B. men guarding the ship were hit by the Shadything's terror-effect, and dropped their guns as they ran away in panic. The helpful Shadything joined Grrrryll inside the ship; it was just as glad of an excuse to flee out of She-Hunk's reach.

When Grrrryll managed to open comms with her father, he told her to come home, best speed. As the on-scene leader of the War Witches, Fightlady Zamgriga would assume command in Stalingrad for now. Twerpseid intended to reinforce the landing. Admit it or not, he still was embarrassed over being forced to run away from the Earth-variant where Superdude and Superhottie lived. But although Grrrryll and her ghastly companion made it through the dimensional tunnel and beck to Awkwardlisp, nothing else was going to go the other way.

In midair, less than a mile from the Earth end of Twerpseid's wormhole, A thousand-foot-wide spider-like shape materialized just like that. Its first action was to launch four specialized missiles, designed to shut down hyperspace gates. Two of the missiles collapsed the near end of the tunnel; the other two flew to the far end. Before Pweegreefoop or any other Awkwardlispian could react, the latter missiles had disabled the GENERATOR of the tunnels.

The Shadythings in Stalingrad, who momentarily thought that help was coming for them, were sorely disappointed. Some sort of loudspeaker boomed a malicious greeting in their own loathsome language:

"Hello. My name is Lieutenant Corin Webber, formerly of Bubblewrap Five. You killed ME, in a manner of speaking. Prepare to die."

And a new type of missiles erupted from the FORMER Shadything ship. These were Corin's own lovingly-designed invention; they would not harm any living creature EXCEPT Shadythings. The self-appointed gods, who had enjoyed terrorizing and manipulating weaker races for millennia, survived long enough to experience terror themselves, as products of their own technology chased them down.

Only after grimly relishing their deaths did Corin open communications with his fellow humans.

The surviving defenders of humanity were unanimous that Corin's arrival was miraculously well-timed. And while the war wasn't over, Corin assured himself that this was MUCH more satisfying than scaring and shaming the Mintcandybarri.
 
Last edited:
It would be many hours before any of the reserve tunnel-generators on Awkwardlisp could be brought online. So Twerpseid made a subspace-radio call to his sons Kamelbakk and Graypvine, Grrrryll's brothers. They were on board a huge starship which could generate its own dimensional tunnels. Receiving their father's orders, the evil brothers hyper-jumped to Earth-Whichever, in order to make retrieval of Zamgriga and the other War Witches. They were not to head for home after this; rather, they were to keep up the pressure on this Earth, by moving right along to the next target.

When the Awkwardlispian ship appeared above Russia, the monstrous brothers were in for a nasty surprise, as Corin Webber's Shadything ship opened fire on them. But their shields held out long enough to recover the War Witches (still callously disregarding the captured Tapidri), along with over four hundred surviving Pukedemons. Then they headed for Guangdong, China on a suborbital trajectory.

Authorities in Stalingrad got on short-wave radio, trying to warn Beijing that the aliens were coming to Guangdong. The Chinese Party leadership scoffed in reply that the Soviet leadership was untrue to Chairman Mao's vision, and the TRUE Marxists in Beijing needed no assistance from round-eyed clods who had still been wearing animal skins when China had been on its fourth or fifth imperial dynasty.

Three hours earlier, however, the good wizard Mazash had appeared to Master Kam and Mistress Bao in their dreams, alerting them that the time had come. In this crisis, it was crucial that the couple had earned profound goodwill from Guangdong's police and local army garrison by providing hand-to-hand combat training. Now they called in this debt, imploring senior uniformed officers to go on emergency alert. The wife spoke to the army chain of command, while the husband spoke to the law-enforcement structure. Like Stalingrad, Chinese cities possessed numerous and excellent emergency shelters; noncombatants needed to get under cover post-haste.

The warrior couple omitted any mention of Mazash, because reporting a supernatural event would have discredited them with a dogmatically atheistic administration. So they simply told army and police that they had new kung-fu techniques which would help in the city's defense. Because Mistress Bao and Master Kam were not powerful enough to fight the invaders all by themselves, they needed to be integrated into the regular defense effort. The regional authorities decided to place Kam in the ground defense. They would put Bao on board a large army helicopter, because she could protect this aircraft from being destroyed, so the observers on board could keep on coordinating the defense.

The kung-fu couple expected to die in this battle, but they were sincere patriots for China. If they could help to save their country, their deaths would mean something.

They didn't know that Iron Gent, Fighting Machine, the Fantastic Two and the Exquisite She-Hunk were going to come to Guangdong as fast as they could.
 
Last edited:
A Very Brief Digression

On the Earth where the band Skinny Leopard existed, the this-planet version of Stevie Ray Vaughn was giving a talk to music students at a Christian university in Canada. Secular universities, both here and in the United States, were still resisting the message of responsible, faithful relationships.

"Words mean things," the blues-man who had outlived his Original Earth counterpart told his audience. "Ideas have consequences. And there are such things as facts. Just saying this much has already made me a 'bigot' in some people's blurry eyes. Before a week passes, you will see or hear some folks in the media pretending to believe that I called for forcible censorship of the entertainment media; but YOU will know that those critics are lying on purpose.

"All I'm trying to teach is discernment. I don't want anyone to be silenced by a government, but I do want all of you to recognize what is good or harmful in a song or other form of art or literature. I don't want any of YOU trying to repress anyone, but you have every right to CALL things what they are.

"Now, consider one little line of lyrics from a supposedly good song: 'I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints.' The composer wanted his audience to believe that the song was a wonderful message of liberation, calling on people to enjoy life. But five seconds of actual thought will show you that the life we are invited to enjoy is the life of SELFISH, CALLOUS NARCISSISTS. Certainly, a self-adoring spoiled brat will avoid sadness by not caring about other people; but BEING such a toxic person is its own punishment.

"Even more certainly, if the composer of this song were in terrible danger, he WOULD prefer to see a 'boring' saint coming to rescue him, rather than hear a hip-crowd sinner laughing at his distress."
 
Last edited:
The ship carrying the sons of Twerpseid was built to be far more durable than the flying saucer Granny Rudeness had lately used; even so, its protective shields had been sorely tested by the slicing beams of Corin's ship. Crossing above Kazakhstan on its chosen route to southern China, the interstellar battlewagon attracted a reaction in the form of thirty-three interceptor missiles. Rather than loiter inside the threat envelope in order to shoot the missiles down, Kamelbakk elected to climb above their ceiling, clear out of Earth's atmosphere. Zamgriga and Graypvine both heartily concurred with Kamelbakk's caution.

It was different when they were above central China, because they were supposed to be descending by this time. Now, evading upward would require changes in course calculation. Too bad for the forty less-dangerous jet fighters which tried to intercept the Awkwardlispian vessel; Kamelbakk's gunners wiped them all out in less than one minute. Some human commander decided not to throw away the lives of any more flesh-and-blood aviators against the technological behemoth-- but there were thousands of missiles he could expend. The sheer volume of ammunition possessed by the defenders compelled Kamelbakk to take this threat seriously.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Stony Stork and Roby Doby had fitted their suits with rocket boosters before they, with She-Hunk and the Strum siblings, accepted Corin's offer of a ride to Guangdong. Once within four hundred miles of the endangered city, Iron Gent and Fighting Machine would fly ahead, while all ground-side onlookers were distracted by the Shadything warship. Then Corin would make a short hyper-jump, to reappear above Guangdong, off to one side from the inbound armored heroes. The other three superheroes would not be let off till Corin deemed it relatively safe for them.

While awaiting their turn to get into the fray, She-Hunk hugged her new sweetheart from behind, kissing his neck. "Jimmy, before we go any further, I need to know something. Although I prefer being She-Hunk, I need to know that I can keep my new PERSONALITY if I have to stay in my OLD physical form."

Sushi interjected: "What she means, little bro, is that it will help her plenty if she knows you can feel the same way about her if she LOOKS like the old Jasmine for more than half a day at a time."

Jimmy kissed one of Jasmine's green hands, then turned to face her. "Did you ever read, or see a movie of, the story of Doctor Schickel and Mister Hood?"

"I used to hate reading. Saw the movie when I was fifteen. I confess I dwelt on it, because it helped me to believe that ALL men were just waiting for the chance to commit Mister Hood's crimes and get away with it."

"Well, my darling, you represent what Henry Schickel was TRYING to achieve in the story, not what DID happen in the story. Your new nature was at work when you saved that enemy warrior who was falling."

A smile came and went away on the lovely asparagus-colored face. "But that was me as She-Hunk. Leaves the real question undecided."

Jimmy created an energy stepstool, by means of which he could be eye to eye with her. "But haven't you said that the way you used to be, you couldn't make friends with other women? Yet you did form a real friendship with Colonel Beriya, WHILE you were being Jasmine. And the Jasmine-shape doesn't stop you from hoping we can rescue her. So the positives are working for you, in EITHER physical shape. Your cousin must have been betting on this all along, when he altered you."

 
Last edited:
To release War Witches and Pukedemons against the city of Guangdong, Kamelbakk repeated his tactic used when retrieving them from Stalingrad: he kept shields up on the side that was receiving Corin's fire, while sending his airborne force out on the opposite side. But when the Shadything spaceship did a microjump and reappeared on his unshielded side, Kamelbakk lost his nerve, and performed a much longer jump, right out of the solar system, bringing a hundred of his Pukedemons with him.

The cosmic zombies who had been unloaded went after anything airborne. This included the observation helo which carried Mistress Bao. But the Tai Chi lady succeeded in using her new deflection power to turn their laser beams aside. At the same time, from his position on the ground, her husband Master Kam used his new long-range punches to wreck one sky-scooter after another. Meanwhile, Corin Webber raised radio comms with the Chinese defenders, telling them that he, and the two armored men in the air, were friendlies.

Iron Gent and Fighting Machine were once again wielding Electromagnetic Pulse Projectors, disabling sky-scooters and beam weapons. Pukedemons thus shot down went SPLAT on the pavement if they had fallen from high up; but War Witches losing their flight ability had low-tech parachutes to fall back on. Zamgriga steered herself to land near Master Kam, whom she recognized as a threat.

There ensued a kung-fu duel worthy of the cinema. Zamgriga was the stronger of the two, but she found it disconcerting that Kam could hit her from twenty feet away.

Sharbadil, the satyr-like War Witch, hurried to assist her leader. Her fist hit the back of Master Kam's head. He pitched forward; but to the dismay of both Zamgriga and Sharbadil, he got right back up. Elbow strikes to both sides pushed both Witches backward without touching them. While Kam kept them busy, Chinese police officers ran up and blasted them with automatic weapons.

War Witches weren't easy to kill, but Zamgriga and Sharbadil were decidedly unable to contribute to the battle anymore. So Kamelbakk left his brother Graypvine in command of their ship, and jumped right out a hatch. No anti-gravity belt or jetpack; he simply made ankle-deep footprints in a street, and charged every defender he could see.

Master Kam had a surprise in store for the son of Twerpseid: sending his remote punches THROUGH intervening bodies, without hurting anyone on his own side. Kamelbakk needed half a minute to figure out just WHAT was hurting him. He was aware that the humans had someone invisible on their side; this thought misled him long enough for the Tiger-and-Leopard master to batter his face painfully. But once Kamelbakk understood what was happening, he rushed his tormentor, who was compelled to start dodging.

Kamelbakk, however, had not reckoned with the Tai Chi mistress, who now sprang out of her helicopter to come to her husband's aid. Slowing her fall with her chi power, she landed astride Kamelbakk's neck and shot hand-heel blows to both of his ears. Roaring with pain, Kamelbakk seized Mistress Bao's neck with a force that should have crushed her cervical spine; but she was like water, and flowed out of his grip. Her husband grabbed the opportunity to close in and kick one of the Awkwardlispian prince's knees; the kneecap didn't break, but it was weakened, and he was slowed down.

From this point, both spouses kept up alternating attacks and evasions. They were still doing this when She-Hunk, Woman Torch and Unfindable Man joined the fight.

 
Last edited:
Stony and Roby kept on hitting enemy hardware with electromagnetic pulses, till only about seventy Pukedemons remained airborne, and some of these no longer had rayguns working. The armored heroes had already determined that the enemy warship was shielded against electrical disruption. Their machine guns made no impression on its hull. Corin and his Shadything ship would have to keep the Awkwardlispian vessel occupied.

Sushi Strum dive-bombed Kamelbakk with a furious flame attack, to no avail. She tried a repeat attack at point-blank range, but was grabbed and suffered a dislocated shoulder. She would have been killed in another moment, but her brother created an invisible battering ram seven inches above the ground, which knocked Kamelbakk off his feet. Shielding them both, Jimmy brought Sushi to an army aid station. Her shoulder was bound up; she couldn't go full-flame again without burning off her bandages, but she would still be able to shoot flame from her undamaged arm.

Master Kam and Mistress Bao resumed their attacks upon Kamelbakk. She-Hunk tried to help them-- only to be shown that mere strength was not always enough. The son of Twerpseid was nearly as strong as Jasmine, and had the skill to toss her around with ease. It was Kam and Bao who had to rescue She-Hunk, not vice-versa. So Iron Gent and Fighting Machine began attacking Kamelbakk from the air.

Three of the War Witches, emboldened by She-Hunk's discomfiture, tried to gang up on her, only to find that Kamelbakk had been able to overcome her because he had the strength to MAKE his greater skill effective. These three Witches, even together, DIDN'T have the strength to produce the same result; instead, they were all pounded into unconsciousness, and were handed over to the Chinese military as prisoners of war.

Since there still would be a lag time before dimensional tunnels from Awkwardlisp could be reactivated. and since the Shadything ship seemed never to exhaust its power for beams, Graypvine decided it was time to bug out. Retrieving his brother, and those War Witches who could still be recovered, Graypvine abandoned the remaining Pukedemons to their fate and fled.
 
Last edited:
OVER IN BRAZIL: Kirk Slippage, who was fluent in Portuguese and had friendly ties with Brazilian officials, had responded to a new message from the same spirit-bird who had first brought warning to this Earth. Flying down from the States, Doc Slippage had set up an extra-large E.M.P. weapon on the mountain overlooking Rio de Janeiro. He was in communications with all the crews of all special armaments provided to Brazil by Stony Stork, including the tanks with reflective anti-laser armor.

When the sons of Twerpseid brought their warship over the Brazilian coast, the Brazilian general staff opted to go for broke: unleash everything they had at once. Surface-to-air missiles flew upward in swarms, joined by the defenders' own laser beams. The reflective-armor tanks shot down low-flying Pukedemons, until the available War Witches descended on them. As a concession to not being excessively gruesome in a comics-based story, the Witches forced open the tank hatches, but merely dragged the frightened soldiers out and dropped them on the ground instead of killing them.

Meanwhile, the gravely-wounded John Stewmeat had managed to make his charging lamp transport itself to where Poradsimu the Falfoozian lay exhausted, Once his Flashlight was recharged, Poradsimu rocketed across the South Atlantic. Corin's Shadything ship finished mopping up in Guangdong, then hastened after the Falfoozian.

By the time Corin Webber arrived above Rio de Janeiro to rejoin battle against the Awkwardlispan ship, all of Stony Stork's ordnance had been disabled; but it had taken a toll of the invaders. After slugging it out for another fifteen minutes, with Green Flashlight fire also threatening him, Kamelbakk decided to flee --without bothering to make pickup on the remaining War Witches. In fairness to Kamelbakk, he would have picked up the Witches if they had still been able to fly up to him; but Doc Slippage's pulse projector had immobilized their sky-bikes.

One War Witch crash-landed right next to Doc Slippage on his mountainside perch. This woman, a relatively heavy-set one called Erogsee, had no thought for comicbook mercy; she intended to spill this mere human's internal organs on the slope. She was maybe twenty percent stronger than Doc, and she had a knife while he was unarmed.... but her narrow focus on killing worked against her. Doc Slippage had her out-maneuvered from the start. Her blade never touched the Earthling hero; and when she woke up as a chained captive, she had no idea how he had knocked her out.
 
Last edited:
Back in China, Master Kam and Mistress Bao were being celebrated as if they had been the ONLY superheroes contributing to the defense of Guangdong. Well aware of how Beijing took to being contradicted, they dared not say that other heroes had joined in. But several army officers, who didn't get the word in time, spoke openly of a bald green woman who had helped fight the Western capitalist space aliens. Other officers mentioned two flying men in armor -- but had the practical sense to pretend that they knew these armored men to have been Chinese.

Green Flashlight Poradsimu was lingering in Brazil, using his powers to help rescue civilians trapped in shattered buildings; but Corin's Shadything ship returned to Guangdong, where it hovered in plain sight as a clear deterrent against acts of-- ingratitude-- toward the Fantastic Two and other "foreign devils." She-Hunk decided she would be less conspicuous as Jasmine Waterford; and when she changed, it was to find her hair almost halfway grown back, like magic. Intrigued, she became She-Hunk again-- and sure enough, her hair gained more growth, nearly back to normal. So she became Jasmine again, had normal hair now, and left it at that.

When she could get Stony Stork's attention, Jasmine asked if there were any news of her friend Irina Beriya. No such luck; but then, a sort of hover-drone descended from the Shadything ship, to relay for its human controller. "Miss Waterboard, is it?"

"Waterford. Are you the man who turned the tables on the aliens who imprisoned you inside that ship?"

"Corin Webber, at your service. I have the impression that you and the others will encounter a lot warmer appreciation in Stalingrad than here. I can't offer luxury accommodations on my ship, but I can transport everybody out of here."

= = = = = = = = = = =

Jasmine became the first human being to board this Shadything vessel as anything OTHER THAN a captive-- and the first to see what had become of the former Earthlyforce officer. The once-cheerful fighter jock now looked like a reboot of Frankenstein. The tender, kindly heart of She-Hunk moved her to weep for what had been done to Corin Webber.

"You poor man! Is there any way to detach you from this thing?"

"Actually, I believe it can be done. I believe I could be a total human again. Problem is, if I were no longer plugged in-- if it were no longer MY human mind controlling the ship-- it would revert to its default procedures. Which is to say, one hundred percent evil."

Jasmine's pudgy fingers touched Corin's still-human face. "Please don't give up hope, Corin. Stony Stork is VERY smart, and so is that fellow Kirk Slippage that he works with. I'll bet they can find a solution for you."

"One thing at a time. I've got a really impressive sensor suite on board. If that friend of yours is alive, I'm betting on myself to locate her."
 
Last edited:
Meanwhile, the super-singer Whiskey Dallas had taken an apartment in Rockford, Illinois, and had made acquaintance with the family of Jeff Stierman, the boy who owned the wonder dog Tin Rin Rin. Relating how the spirit kookaburra had announced her own super-powers to her, Whiskey told the Stiermans:

"Last night, he told me something about the alien planet which is attacking us. What the aliens imagine is their strength, is actually their weakness. They convince themselves that LOVE is weakness; but the strength and courage which COME FROM love are what will give US victory. Tin Rin Rin here will show the way." Understanding her exactly, Jeff's hero-dog wagged his tail.

"Starting tomorrow morning, dogs will begin converging on Sinnissippi Park: some with their humans, others alone. Many are already on their way, from as far off as Wisconsin and Iowa. And almost every dog owned BY A HUNTER will be accompanied by its ARMED master. We'll find that the kookaburra has directly spoken to them.

"I will be in the park tomorrow at sunrise. The dogs and their owners know to expect me. When the aliens appear, I will draw their fire, and my special power will make me invulnerable to their weapons. The harder the aliens try in vain to kill me, the more they'll be off guard against the actions of dog heroes-- and against the marksmanship of hunters."
 
Back
Top