The Countdown

This is a story I'm writing about the future and such. Please read and comment.

To who ever gets this,

There used to be an old saying that only the strong survive. In the year 2209, that is positively true. In a world where humans fight extra terrestrial beings and the earth government turns their eyes from the 300 million, and counting, homeless, to pay for the war that the aforementioned aliens don't want to fight.
You may be confused about who I am and how you've gotten this. My name is Fyre Tresdo, a member of the rebel force named CIA. I know it sounds like the secret agent James Bond CIA. However, that agency was disbanded in the year 2092, in the middle of the Russo-Japanese War that quickly turned into World War Three. The earth has never rebounded from that war. In most places in the Western Hemisphere you can't grow anything because of the deadly chemicals.
OUR CIA was a takeoff of that founded in 2134, just two years after Western China, Mongolia, Southern Russia, and Pakistan formed the Central Asian Powers, forcing other countries to form making larger countries. A large bridge, made earlier than the date they became a country, helped link the Caribbean Islands into Hispanola. It was conquered by Spain not long before the European Nations was founded. The Americas, both all of South
and North America, is a matriarch monarchy ruled by fourteen judges and one queen. Africa is divided into five states under the rule of Saudi Arabia, every piece of land touching the Arabian Sea plus Syria, Turkey, and Israel. Since then, most of the world has become part of the International Nation, making them all one nation ruled by a King and each state is ruled by their own personal type of government.
As for religion, it saddens me to say that there are two main religions Islam, the larger of the two, and Catholicism. Their used to be wars over the two, but now they fight for how many people are in each congregation each holy day. There are protestants, 50 million of us, but most of us are part of the CIA or in jail since in most countries being a protestant can get you thrown in jail. The catholics have turned back into the catholics the were before the protestant reformation.
Geography hasn't changed very much besides most of Alaska and northern Canada disappearing. We have colonized the moon, some of Saturn's moons, and scientists live on Mars. We have long discovered that there are aliens called Hoplites living on Jupiter.
This book is for me to warn you of the things that will go wrong and the way you should stop them. I'm sending you this in a time machine, the only one in working order since the government outlawed them twelve years ago.
Whoever gets this thank you and good luck, you are our only hope.
 
Last edited:
I was going to repeat to you the often-given (because often appropriate) advice to "Show, don't tell;" but then I saw the reason for the "telling." Your future-history summary was not YOUR voice as the author, it was the voice of the person sending the message, who of course WOULD have to state facts in a dry, direct way.
 
Chapter One

Chapter One

Angel Tredstone looked at the presents and then tried to single out his own. The day was December 25, 2009. The slim, five foot nine, brown haired boy wasn't excited about Christmas. It was just another day for the obviousness of his mother and stepfather's love for his stepbrothers. Already he could see that most of the packages were boxes that held clothing or something that would interest two twenty-six year old grown men that lived at their father's house and wasting their education every day by not doing anything of worth. The fifteen year old sighed and grabbed a jacket. His parents wouldn't care if they couldn't find him for a few hours.
Once outside, the cold harshness of northern Kentucky snow storm hit him. He pulled his jacket on closer to him and tramped towards his dog house. He whistled and a shape in the opening lifted up his head. Angel held out a treat and the Australian shepherd lumbered out to meet him. Rubbing his head, Angel fed him his Christmas present and started walking towards his driveway. The dog finished eating the treat and ran to catch up with Angel. Angel didn't bother getting a leash knowing that Canis, the dog's name, would obey his every word of command.
Walking around the neighborhood with Canis was something Angel tried to do every morning. Canis was a little over twelve years old, so Angel wanted to keep him in shape and stretch out his legs. Living in a suburb of Cincinnati in Kentucky, meant that there's lots of roads and people that lived in the neighborhood. Lot's of times he would see kids from his school and people he had seen while working at Chick-Fil-A. His favorite part about walking was walking through the park in the middle of the community. In the morning during the spring and summer there were birds flying from tree to tree and squirrels fighting each other for nuts. The pond, which had frozen over, was alive in the earlier months with fish and other water animals, inviting fishers to fish in the waters.
Right now there was only one person on the pond, someone Angel was familiar with but wasn't sure he wanted to talk to right now. Okay, I'm wrong, he wanted to talk to her, but at the same time........Angel sighed and walked towards the girl. Anna, for that was her name, was five foot eightish, with big blue eyes and blonde hair. She went to Angel's school, and was actually the same age as him. Anne took the same classes, did lots of the same things, and they were actually good friends. However, she was a girl....Angel got over his embarrassment and went over to talk to her.
Before he could take a step, there was a loud cracking sound, as if lighting struck nearby. Stopping dead in his tracks, Angel looked around and found a large iron box buried in the snow ten feet away from him. Canis was already sniffing the object and Anna was running towards him.
"Angel, what the heck is that?" Anna called out as she got nearer.
" I...I don't know." Angel replied as he examined it. It was about ten feet by ten feet and bore a strange symbol on it. Despite it being made of metals, it was surprisingly light as Angel tried pushing it. Anna had run up and was looking over him.
"Here, help me push it up," Angel said. He sighed at the skeptical look on her face," Don't worry it's not heavy." Anna seemed very surprised when she helped push the container up.
"Hmm....there seems to be a handle."Anna observed and proceeded to open the rectangular box. There was nothing in it. Well nothing except for a tan envelope sitting on the floor. The two went to pick it up and brushed each other's hands.
Embarrassed, Angel withdrew his hand and let Anna pick it up. She looked at Angel and said," It doesn't say anything on it. Should we open it?"
"Sure. Maybe it's a summoning to a different world, like in Narnia,"Angel joked. Anna opened it and sat on the ground to read it. She read it twice over and handed it to Angel blankly. He spent about three minutes reading it and looked over at Anna.
"Do you think it's real?" He asked.
"I have no idea."
Angel looked down at the piece of paper and said," It has to be."
Anna only nodded her head and swallowed.
"Well," Angel talked as he walked over to the time machine. "If this is a time machine, the these buttons," he pressed on or two," must be how it works."
Suddenly a big tearing sound came from the machine and lights were emitted.
Jumping up, Anna yelled," What did you do?"
"I don't know." He yelled back.
" What do we do?"
Angel looked from the machine to the girl and yelled," I'm going in." With that he ran in to the machine with Canis trotting behind him.
Anna watched blankly.
She sighed and thought," Oh well I'm up for an adventure," and followed them inside.
Angel just nodded seeing her come in and squeezed himself to make room for her. There was some more tearing noises and then a loud pop and the sounds suddenly stopped. The two adventurers looked at each other and angel opened the door.........................
 
Chapter Two:Part 1

Chapter Two

Angel walked through the door onto a green lawn. It was surrounded by stone walls and some large bay windows. Angel could see through the windows and could see one or two people walking past.
"Where are we?" Anna asked as she followed Angel out of the time machine.
"Not where you're supposed to be."
Angel and Anna turned around to find themselves looking at over one hundred figures with weapons pointed at them. The man in front was a tall muscular figure with short gray hair and mean gray eyes that looked over the newcomers and their dog.
The man beside him hissed," I knew you shouldn't have done that Fyre!"
Fyre looked at the man and said,"Get lost Jennings, this isn't your job."
The rat-looking man ignored Fyre and looked at the children." What are you going to them?"
Fyre sighed and cocked his gun." Well we can kill them for knowing so much." Here Anna and Angel flinched."Or we can send them back to 2009 where they belong."
There was a short silence that was interrupted by a snort from Jennings. Everyone looked at him as he laughed a weezy laugh.
"What are you laughing for Jennings?"
The man wiped his beady eyes and replied in a nasily voice," You can't send them back!" A grip of panic grabbed Angel. " You can't send them back because the tank takes liquid nitrogen, and you're out of "gas" as they call it." Here he patted the tank.
Angel spoke up carefully," Um.....Si..Sir Fyre."
Fyre looked up from rubbing his head." Yes ,what is it."
"Why isn't it possible to reload it? I mean you said in your letter that humans live on Neptune which is composed of nitrogen."
"Because child. When we colonized Neptune, we found a way to dissipate the nitrogen in the atmosphere replacing it with oxygen. Soon all of the nitrogen was gone from the planet surface and atmosphere. Besides that, after the time machines were out lawed, the authorities banned nitrogen. It can only be used now for medical and research reasons, and that is why the government has all resources of nitrogen."
"So we're stuck here?" Anna spoke up.
Fyre looked at Jennings who was smiling." I guess so."
 
Chapter Two:Part 2

Angel looked at Anna and then at Fyre. Nothing else mattered. It didn't matter that they were surrounded by armed men, that the rat like Jennings was laughing in the corner, or that more people were surrounding the group. The only thing that mattered was that they were stuck in the year 2209 with no way of going back to see their family or friends.
Anna was crying and angel put his arms around her shoulders to comfort her. She didn't fight back.
Blinking back tears, Angel asked,"So what now?"
Fyre sighed and replied," There's really two things we can do. One, kill you. Or two, welcome you as apart of CIA." Fyre dismissed the watchers and stood over the two children. Jennings stayed were he stood with a slightly smaller smile.
Fyre looked at him and ordered," Leave Jennings!"
He smugly retorted,"I don't take orders from Rangers."
Fyre turned on him and barked," Leave now!"
Angel would've laughed at how Jennings face fell if he wouldn't have been so emotional at the situation.
He squeezed Anna and whispered in her ear," I'm so sorry! I swear I'll find some way to get home."
Anna replied," It's not your fault. It's my own stupid feelings. I couldn't leave you."
Angel paused and thought that there should be a Fray song playing in the background.
Still holding onto Anna," I'm going to find some way to fix that machine, but I think I'll have plenty of time to help you."
Fyre bit back a smile and replied," Good...good."
 
Chapter Three:PArt One

Chapter Three


Angel spent a restless night in the top bunk of a room that was used for visiting Rangers. Rangers, Fyre had explained, where the soldiers that worked for CIA. IT was also what Angel was going to train to be. Anna was probably going to be trained as a computer engineer at CIA headquarters. Speaking of her, the girl had finally gone to sleep below Angel. She had spent most of the time sobbing and she had tired herself out enough to go to sleep. Angel couldn't.
He had spent most of the time thinking about the future. He hadn't shed many tears, for he knew his step-father, a drunkard besides being a horrible mentor, would not be crying for him. His mother would maybe cry, but she would stop under the uncaring attitude of his step-father and step-brothers. What next, was the thought he thought most about. Will he really find someway to get back home like he promised Anna? Will he die here in the year 2209? Will he be singled out as a weirdo and a strange person?
He let his arm go down as far as it could go and let Canis sniff it. The dog sighed and fell asleep. Angel sighed and rolled over. A few minutes later, he did the same thing.
 
Chapter Three:Part Two

The next morning, Angel woke up and looked around the room. There was a large window that looked out onto a large field. He could see figures running across it sometimes with blasts of light following them. He watched as one figure running towards a building set up in the fields was hit from behind by a red light and fell. He lay still for a few moments and then stood up apparently unharmed. Besides this the room featured a large screen on a wall, a small round table, a small refrigerator, and a hall that led to another room presumably a bathroom. He could hear water running and realized that Anna was probably using it.
Angel jumped down onto the floor and rubbed Canis' ears. He went over to see what the large screen on the wall was, but was stopped by a knocking on the door.
He called out for the visitor to come in, and was pleased by the site of Fyre and food. Fyre and two women came in carried by four men carrying a large platter of food. The servers put the food down and bowed their way out of the room.
Once the door was closed, Fyre asked,"Well, Angel did you have a nice sleep?"
" I guess it was okay."He answered between mouthfuls of food.
"Good, good. Angel I would like you to meet my wife and daughter, Caris and Luna." The two smiled and nodded in turn at the boy. Caris, the mother, was a nice looking lady in her fifties. She had gray hair that she tied in a ponytail and a face that reminded you of a Mrs. Butterworth bottle. Luna was quite the opposite. She had long brown hair and an attitude of "if you look at me wrong I will kill you." Her eyes were a deep gray like her fathers that reminded you of a moon. Her face had two distinct scars and her mouth was pierced at the right corner. She had a comely smile, but she looked like she rarely gave one.
"It's good to meet both of you. Anna is showering at the moment so you probably won't be able to talk to her."
"Oh that's okay sweetheart,"Caris replied,"we just came to check on you two."
"Now Angel, is there anything you would like to know about your facilities."
Still drawn by the strange screen, he asked," What is that?"
"That is a touch screen HM 2000," Fyre said proudly." You can tell it to do anything and it will do well, anything."
"Father speaks so highly of it, because when it was still being used as a prototype in the government, he was able to steal one and put computer engineers to work to make them better."Luna said."We actually started the company that makes those."
"That's...well, that's amazing! What are those people doing out there?" He asked pointing to the window.
"There going through training exercises, to be better in field combat."Fyre replied."Those lasers that hit them will stun them for a minute or two and then they'll be able to get up again."
"Hmmm...very interesting. I think that's all the questions I have right now. Thank all of you." As he watched the three smile, shake his hand and file through the door, he knew he had about atrillion more questions zooming through his head.
 
Chapter Four

Chapter Four

Five minutes later, Anna walked out of the bathroom wearing the same kind of clothes that the Tresdos had been wearing when they came to visit. It was a tight fitting one piece of clothing covered by a robe that reminded Angel of a Jedi in Star Wars. He was sure that people wore normal, 2009, clothes because he had seen them on the television that he was watching at the moment that Anna came in. She was red-eyed, but looked more composed than she did the night before.
Angel smiled softly and said," Good morning."
Anna replied," Good morning to you." She looked at the tray laden table quizzically and asked,"Where did those come from?"
"Oh yeah, Fyre and his family came by and left us some food."
"Family?"
" Yeah, a really nice wife and a kinda scary daughter. They said they would come by later to meet you."
"Ah. That's cool." She nodded towards the HM 2000 that was currently acting as a television," What's on TV."
"The news. This thing has more channels than Direct TV."
Anna asked between gulps of food," Have you learned anything?"
"Well, I've learned a few things: 1. The humans, or earth, are about to take over Jupiter.
2. Most of the media is biased towards the government which is a authoritarian dictatorship more than anything.
3. That this is real and not a dream."
Anna swallowed a glass of orange juice before saying," Yeah I've come to terms with that this morning."
An awkward silence ensued until it was broken by Angel remarked, "Well, maybe this is for the better." He then excused himself to go take a shower leaving Anna in thoughtful silence.
The bathroom was definitely different than the one Angel shared with his step brothers
in the home he lived in in 2009. It had the same mirror, toilet, shower and bathtub, and sink, but the future took the noun "bathroom" to a whole new level. Another HM 2000 hung on the wall above the mirror, and the sink, below the mirror, reflected just as clearly as the mirror itself. The toilet was normal but it had a light blue tint just like everything else in 2209. The bathroom had a bathroom and a shower separately, and Angel could see that the bathtub had a whirlpool feature. The floor was made of wood, of what wood Angel couldn't be sure but he had a fleeting thought of bamboo.
Angel's tour of the bathroom was abruptly stopped by a strange voice saying," Hello visitor. How can I help you today?"
Angel spun around looking for the source of the voice but found none. The voice asked the question again and Angel realized it came from the HM 2000.
It asked a third time before Angel replied saying," Um...I just want to take a shower."
" Very good sir. Please walk over to the glowing floorboard that is in front of the sink and take of your shirt. There I will take a small DNA sample to determine who you are.
Angel was thinking of what would happen when his DNA sample was taken when a second, more familiar voice came into the room." Angel trust me and get on the scale," called out Fyre's voice. Angel turned around and again was surprised to not see anyone in the room. He did however see a camera in the corner of the room that had a small speaker attached to it.
Trusting Fyre, Angel stood on the scale. A long robotic arm holding a needle came and poked him in the arm. Thankfully to Angel it didn't hurt very much.
The HM 2000's robotic voice spoke out, "Transaction complete." Angel turned around to watch a picture taken of him seconds ago and data about him appear on the screen.
" Angel Tredstone born May 12 1994 to Mary and Stuart Tredstone. Date of death unknown. Height five foot nine weight one hundred thirty-five pounds. Brown hair and brown eyes. An IQ of one hundred fifteen. Data recorded on July third Two thousand two hundred nine. To learn more about Angel Tredstone and his background say 'learn more' now."
Without thinking, Angel shouted," Learn more!"
A loud buzzing sound was emitted from the machine before it replied," I'm sorry. Access Denied." Angel sighed and knew Fyre had something to do with this but didn't do anything else.
The robotic HM 2000 made a noise and a hole in the wall produced some clothes identical to the ones Anna was wearing. The shower was also turned on and the screen went black. The camera in the corner protracted into the wall and Angel proceeded to take a shower.
 
Hey, haven't had a chance to read anything since I was gone for the weekend, but I didn't want you to think I abandoned you :) I'll try to read and comment tomorrow!
 
ok, I read the intro and the first chapter and I have two things to say:

While the story is very interesting and something I would read, I think they went in pretty fast and without thinking into the time machine and began the adventure too soon. There is no thinking it over, nothing that would keep me reading too see if Angel and Anna would actually do as the note says or not... you know... nothing to keep me on the edge, so to speak. It was too soon, and they were too eager.

second, isn't James Bond MI6 instead of CIA? Maybe you could say Jack Ryan, the guy from the Tom Clancy novels. He's CIA.

I will read some more soon. By the way, it is well written.
 
I have to agree with Barbarian King. At this point, I'd like to see you continue the story and bring it back around to your original idea somehow - what is Angel and Anna's purpose here? Are they going to save anyone? It's fun to read about. Plus Fyre is wierding me out a little bit...I wonder if he's who he seems to be. Post more soon :)
 
Dear Readers,

Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I'm going to take a small hiatus to reevaluate the story, but I will post more about the story soon. If you have any ideas for the story or characters please PM me. Again thanks a lot.

CR505
 
You messaged me about having a writer's block. Now I have a suggestion for you. Since you mention humans going to the planet Jupiter, CREATE NEW CHARACTERS who actually ARE in that expedition; cut to their activities, and decide as you go along what connection they have with events on Earth.

BUT....before you do that, you need to do some RESEARCH. First of all, realize that no one can land ON Jupiter. The latest information I have on that planet is that they think it HAS NO solid surface--that it is literally a gigantic cloud, but with gas so compressed as to amount to astonishing mass and gravity even with no rocky core. Any trip to Jupiter must really be a trip to one or more of its many MOONS. Some of these moons are big enough to count as separate planets if they weren't orbiting a "parent" planet. You need to read about the moons of Jupiter, and imagine which ones humans would be most likely to try colonizing.
 
Well, I heard about your writer's block. I think I know what is happening.

You see, I read all the posts in page 1 and just in those posts you gave me a lot of information right away. You told me the names of various characters, where they ended up and what is happening. You told me why they can't go back and what is happening in Neptune and how they ran out of nitrogen and what the government is doing and how Angel is already talking in a very familiar way with the other people and how he is going to fix stuff and find a way to send them back and about Anna's feelings and many other things...

see? you already said a lot, but you never expanded on it, never took your time to tell us about their feelings and emotions, and about describing their surroundings... do you realize that people took a trip forward in time and we don't have a clue about what they are thinking or feeling?

You have a lot of good material there for at least half a book, if you can find a way to build around all those details.

Just a thought.
 
Back
Top