Write a Note to the Person Above You III

Dear Freckles,

He just got his driver's permit today, so you should probably be afraid of looking lame. Cars are considerably larger than lawn mowers.

Actually, when the lawn mower started shooting flames, he called his uncle for advice, and his uncle initially thought he was talking about a car and told him to get away from it immediately.

Sincerely,
Glen
 
Dear Glenbowtie,

What did your brother take away from this experience? And how has this impacted his relationship with lawnmowers in general? What will go through his uncle's head when he gets a call from his nephew in the future?

I absolutely must know how the story continues.

Sincerely,
Freckles

PS. It's Friday the 13th. Don't let him anywhere near a motorized vehicle.
 
Dear Freckles,

My brother seems to have learned how to use a lawn mower now, but hasn't learned how to get up in the morning when it's still cool enough to mow, so his mowing days haven't been--er--frequent.

As for what my uncle took away from his experience with my brother's flaming lawn mower phone call, it could be either 1) a flaming machine is preferable to flaming mad people, as long as the machine doesn't actually explode; or 2) this is still a better love story than Twilight.

Sincerely,
Glen
 
Dear Freckles,

There are some motorized vehicles with wings. Sadly, they don't mow lawns.

Clearly, the makers do not have their priorities in order.

Sincerely,
Glen
 
Dear Glenbenzene,

thank you for that information. Please tell me more about motorized vehicles; I could talk about nothing else all day.

Sincerely
Miss Freckles
 
Dear Freckles,

I can do one better than talking about motorized vehicles. I am sending you a large lawn mower with wings. Its name is Mahershalalhashbaz, and it expects to be addressed as such.

Sincerely,
Glen
 
Dear Glenburne,

As long as we can talk about something else. How about the expression 'within/out of earshot'? Where does that come from?

I'm always playing with the thought of creating a thread for odd expressions. I think that's just what this thriving forum needs. Or maybe I want a linguistic jewelry case where I can safely store all that magic and wonder.

With a monkeytooth, (You can say this in German to mean 'at very high speed')
Freckles
 
Dear Freckles,

Earshot involves detached ears walking around and shooting at people. Of course. Have you read Gogol's story about the detached nose? It's much the same concept, except it's considerably less awkward for the owners to be missing ears, as opposed to noses.

Sincerely,
Glen
 
Dear Glenbellydancer,

I haven't read that story. Where do I find it in case my library doesn't have a section called "Severed body parts"?

Sincerely,
Freckles
 
Dear Freckles, who needs to stop messing with my name:

The story can be found here. It makes no sense, so you should like it.

Your library really needs to get a section called "Severed Body Parts" as soon as possible. While you may have certain complaints from the respectable citizens of the town, your circulation stats for the books in that collection will go through the roof. Most library patrons love salaciousness.

Sincerely,
Glen
 
Dear Glenburne,

You realize we would have to file the Lord of the Rings in that section... Have we thought this through?

Also:
- How to Train Your Dragon
- Sir Gawain and the Green Knight
- The Bible
- Star Wars
- Harry Potter
- Zorro

Sounds like a respectable section to me.

Sincerely,
Freckles
 
Dear Freckles,

If it will up their circulation stats, it's worth it. Though admittedly the Harry Potter books, at least, don't seem to need much help in having respectable stats. We keep having to buy new ones because people chew on and/or steal the old ones.

Sincerely,
Glen
 
Dear Glewbacca,

Teeth marks are quite useful for identifying people.

And the stealing is really your own fault. It's your job as a librarian to stalk people through the whole building from start to finish.

Helpfully,
Freckles
 
Dear Freckles,

Our library rules prohibit patrons from following people, so I think that staff stalking, beyond simple enforcement of the rules, is probably also illegal.

Staff giving the patrons bad looks for bringing in cockroaches are not, however.

Sincerely,
Glen
 
Glenburne said:
Dear Freckles,

Our library rules prohibit patrons from following people, so I think that staff stalking, beyond simple enforcement of the rules, is probably also illegal.

Staff giving the patrons bad looks for bringing in cockroaches are not, however.

Sincerely,
Glen
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Dear Glen,

Hey, the cockroaches need to be warm, too.

Just kidding. Cockroaches are the worst. I care nothing for them.

Mike
 
Sopespian said:


Dear Glen,

Hey, the cockroaches need to be warm, too.

Just kidding. Cockroaches are the worst. I care nothing for them.

Mike
Click to expand...

Dear Soap Spy Un,

I feel your comment necessitated the clarification that cockroaches are, in fact, the superior being. We have long oppressed them, but they have survived fire, and flood, and atomic annihilation for such a time as this, when we are divided and confused by the lack of RJ45 cabling in our libraries.

And Carthage must be destroyed.

Sincerely,
PuddleGrim
 
Dear PuddleGrim,

No one, I repeat no one, is allowed to defend cockroaches. Ever.

(I killed a giant one when I was eleven. It was a proud moment.)

Sincerely,
Glen
 
Glenburne said:
Dear PuddleGrim,

No one, I repeat no one, is allowed to defend cockroaches. Ever.

(I killed a giant one when I was eleven. It was a proud moment.)

Sincerely,
Glen
Click to expand...

Dear Glen,

I am, I repeat I am, no one. Do you dare deny cockroaches basic human rights, like access to barbershops and restaurants?

So you're admitting to murder?

And Carthage must be destroyed.

Sincerely,
PuddleGrim
 
Dear PuddleGrim,

Cockroaches get cockroach rights, not human rights. Cockroach rights include the right to do whatever they want as long as they avoid human dwellings. The penalty for trespassing in or near human dwellings is death.

Also, your Carthage obsession seems unhealthy. Maybe take up another hobby, like sacking Constantinople?

In your best interest,
Glen
 
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