Another, (yes, another!) fan-fic!!! except this one has a catch...

SusanTheGentleHornblower said:
lol!!!! here's some more...

Alia had hair pins in her mouth, so her answer came out, “Dere’s a banket later next week in re-e-er-ence of our irst alliance with Archenland.” But Katriana was not worried about that. She was concerned about something else.

“What will we do? Will we have to help serve?”

“Yes, probably,” answered Alia now that the pins were out of her mouth. “We will usually help out at things like that, only because there will so many people there. It’s fun! We dress up a bit, which is very nice, and the guests are always very polite and kind, so it’s really not that bad. Some of the creatures will play music during the meal, so knowing your talent, you might get roped into that!” Alia smiled at Katriana, who had turned back towards the mirror. She then turned to pick up some ribbon she had brought with her from the dresser, so she didn’t see the look on Katriana’s face. Agony. Pure agony.
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^*agrees with Tess*^ Poor Kat...
But why is she in agony :confused: She should be HAPPY!
Nicki, I won't bother telling you how great this story is and how you should try and get an approval to publish it coz you probably know it :D
 
Georgie the Valient said:
^*agrees with Tess*^ Poor Kat...
But why is she in agony :confused: She should be HAPPY!
Nicki, I won't bother telling you how great this story is and how you should try and get an approval to publish it coz you probably know it :D
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Wow, you're so sweet!!! I would love to, but I don't have any rights to Narnia and its stories, so I can't. :) That's why I've started writing my own stories, cause I know that those have a chance. ;)
 
a smidge more...


King Peter had said that she didn’t have to play. He would tell them that she wouldn’t do it. He would help her. He understood.

What if he had a costume that he wore to try to get in the castle? Katriana swallowed as Alia walked back towards her. She forced herself to calm down so she at least didn’t show her fear.

Alia brought the pink ribbon she had chosen up to Katriana’s neck. She tied it loosely around it; making a choker necklace out of it. She also put two pearl earrings in Katriana’s ears. Katriana stared at herself in the mirror. Alia had transformed her into a completely different girl than the one she had seen there a few moments ago. She reached up and touched the smooth, white surface of the pearls.

Listening: Same, Thrust.
 
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Thanks! Here's some more...

She looked back up in the mirror to see her new friend smiling at her. Alia had no clue; she was not to blame. Maybe she would understand someday. Someday when he was dead. But he didn’t seem like the kind of person who could die! She decided to tell Alia some of the truth.

“I… I’m afraid to play in front of large crowds.”

“But you’re so good! What would you have to be afraid of?”

“I don’t know,” it was a lie, and she knew it, “I just am.”
Alia took this in for a moment. Then she said, “Maybe you could play with others so that you’re not the center of attention.”

Katriana shook her head. “No, that doesn’t help.”

Alia frowned, but didn’t say anything else. Finally she shook her head. “Oh, well. But you will be beautifully done up, none the less.” She said this last bit with an impish smile. Katriana gave her friend a warning look.

“Not too much! Remember, their majesties are the center of attention; I’ll just be help.”

“Oh, I don’t think they’ll mind too much…”

~*~​
Peter slept uneasily that night. Susan had come home from Archenland, but Lucy had stayed there and was not coming home till the end of the week. Susan had been in good spirits, but still Peter was restless. Ed had noticed it, and had suggested that they retire early that night. Peter was forever grateful to how understanding his brother had become. He thought mostly of Katriana, and how paranoid she was most of the time. He thought that he might be getting through a little to her, but he wondered what wrong move he would make that would send her back into her fear.

He rolled over and sighed as he thought of the conclusion he had come to. Abuse. She had definitely suffered at the hands of some cruel man, which was why she was so afraid of him at first. The way she shied away at any raised hand, her fear of being alone with him; they all pointed to it. The only thing that did not make sense was her skin. It was flawless. One would think that a victim under such fear would at least have scars or some sort of markings that would show their trauma. But she had none. Yet still she lived in fear. Peter toyed with this thought for hours before he finally drifted off into a restless sleep.

He woke to the feeling of someone shaking him violently. It was Mrs. Beaver.

“King Peter, you must come quickly! Katriana has taken quite ill in the night, and nothing that we have done has helped her!”

At this he sprang up so fast that he was dizzy for a moment. But he regained his balance quickly and raced to the maids’ quarters as fast as he could, leaving poor Mrs. Beaver waddling behind. His mind raced for answers, but none came.


Listening: Ok, first part is All that Love's About, from Wall*E, and the second part is the start of Worry Wait, also from Wall*E.
 
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No, Tess, she dies, end of story:p

Ok, that makes a bit more sense, but its still a little confusing. But much better now.

One other thing--maybe you should develop the relationship between Peter and Katriana more. Maybe have her at the castle for a few weeks before the scene with the Piano and all of Peter's doubts and worries about her. Have some more encounters betwixt the two of them so that the readers understand how hard and sweet Peter is being and just how high her wall is. I like stories to pick up quickly--but this one seems to be going a bit TOO quickly.

Hope all that made sense.
 
SusanTheGentleHornblower said:
more-ish.....


“Where did Alia go?” she asked. She wished the maid was here; she would have felt much better!

“Mrs. Beaver needed her for something, so I was the closest one available to go find here,” said Peter more casually. He rolled his eyes and smiled. “That’s what you get when you try to taste-test.”

She glanced up at him, and almost smiled. Hope rose in him. Maybe she was more reachable than he thought. He had noticed that she had been cleaned up since he had seen her that morning. Her brown hair was combed and pulled back loosely, and the dress looked much nicer than the rags she had been in earlier. She was pretty, in a very different sort of way. She was extremely thin, but Peter guessed that was from being under-fed. Everything about her was tall and thin. Her face, hands; everything. Not so that she looked odd, just so that she looked very graceful and stately. The only thing that countered that was her rigid stance and her fearful eyes. He paused before saying,

“Would… would you play something for me?”

She glanced up, looking surprised. Her mouth opened, closed, and then she said,

“Of course.” She hesitated before sitting down on the bench again. Before she started playing she heard him walk up onto the platform. Her heartbeat quickened. She mentally told herself to calm down, and then she began.

The song she chose to play told a story. Not a specific one, but you couldn’t have heard the song without coming to that conclusion. Peter was transfixed. He could see what was happening in the story so clearly in his mind. Neither of them knew at what point it happened, but by the end of the song he was sitting on the bench beside her, watching her hands move perfectly over the keys.

Near the end of the song the story took a heart-rending turn, and Peter closed his eyes. He suddenly got the thought that maybe the story was about Katriana. He opened his eyes and looked at her face. She wasn’t even looking at the keys as her fingers flew over them. She looked above them, out into the back of the room. Her lips were barely parted. Katriana seemed to be in a trance, and as she reached the climax, a tear rolled silently down her cheek.
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Nicki!!! *stomps foot* Why didn't you tell me you wrote stories??!!!! :p

This is awesome, I'm on this part right now, and it's really good!!!! Who is she?

EDIT: I've caught up... and all I can say is.... :eek: I can't wait to hear more!!!!!!! :D
BTW, you should try to get this published, it shouldn't be to hard...... take out references to Narnia and stuff and it can stand alone! Just a thought.... =D
 
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Rhyanidd said:
No, Tess, she dies, end of story.

Ok, that makes a bit more sense, but its still a little confusing. But much better now.

One other thing--maybe you should develop the relationship between Peter and Katriana more. Maybe have her at the castle for a few weeks before the scene with the Piano and all of Peter's doubts and worries about her. Have some more encounters betwixt the two of them so that the readers understand how hard and sweet Peter is being and just how high her wall is. I like stories to pick up quickly--but this one seems to be going a bit TOO quickly.

Hope all that made sense.
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I understand what you mean, but the reason I'm doing it like this is because this is not the bulk of the story. I'm trying to get to that part. :p So it does go a little faster than I would REALLY like, but hey, that's how the story rolls. :p
NarnianofGryffindor said:
Nicki!!! *stomps foot* Why didn't you tell me you wrote stories??!!!!

This is awesome, I'm on this part right now, and it's really good!!!! Who is she?

EDIT: I've caught up... and all I can say is.... I can't wait to hear more!!!!!!!
BTW, you should try to get this published, it shouldn't be to hard...... take out references to Narnia and stuff and it can stand alone! Just a thought.... =D
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Woops!!! Sorry, Josh. :D
Aw, thanks guys! But not much has even happened yet. :D And I don't think I could get this one published, since it relys too much on Narnia and the Pevensies. But thanks anyway!
 
here's a little more...


~*~​

She was walking through the woods. It was dark; so dark that she could hardly see where she was going. The forest was thick with trees and branches. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, a light appeared. But this is not one of those dreams where the light at the end of the tunnel means hope and second chances. This light was the terror of all her worst fears, though she did not realize it yet. She was more concerned about who was holding the light; him.

She stood there, paralyzed with fear, as he held the torch in front of him. She wondered if he saw her. His face seemed to be getting closer, though he wasn’t moving. Finally it was so close that she could see his dreadful gray eyes. She couldn’t move. He seemed to be holding her there; a captive forever. Then he moved out his hand towards a tree that she now realized he was next to. He held out the torch towards it, and then she realized what he was doing. She screamed.

~*~​

Peter heard the scream as he entered Katriana’s room. He saw her lying on her bed, covered in sweat, and Alia was next to her, holding her down. Alia looked up at him with a frantic look in her eyes. Grimmel was also there, holding towels. She turned to Peter.

“She’s been in a disillusioned fever for an hour now, your majesty. She keeps talking about trees, and being found. Her fever spiked a few minutes ago. She never seems to realize that we’re here. She doesn’t seem to know where she is.”

As Grimmel was talking to him, he was walking over to the bed. As he drew near he saw that though Katriana’s eyes were open, they were glazed over and open unnaturally wide. Peter sat on the edge of the bed and put his hand on her forehead. She was burning up. Her breathing was sporadic and labored. Peter grabbed one of the wet towels that Grimmel was holding and wiped Katriana’s face with it. He heard Mrs. Beaver talking to someone in the hallway. He turned and saw Susan and Edmund standing there.

“Susan! Did Lucy take her cordial with her to Archenland?” Peter asked.

“I’m afraid so, Peter,” Susan said sadly. She had managed to put shoes on and grab a robe before coming. Edmund and Peter however, did not, and their bare feet and open-chested nightshirts were quite a shock to the maids that were there.

Peter continued to keep the cool cloths on Katriana’s head as he tried to think of what to do. She moaned, and arched her back off the bed. Alia pushed her back down. Katriana started mumbling, like Grimmel had told him. Peter looked desperately at his siblings. Susan nodded mater-of-factly, and said,

“I’m going to go get one of the centaur healers. They might be able to help. I will be back in a little bit.” She walked out of the room to go get an escort and her horse. Ed stood there looking helpless. Finally he shrugged his shoulders and said,

“Well, I guess now’s a good time to learn how to make tea.” He turned and left as well. Peter heard Katriana say something, and he turned back.


Listening: This time it's from Batman; A Dark Knight. The song is Watch the World Burn, and it's by Hans Zimmer and James Horner. Again, this wasn't out at the time I wrote this, but it plays it perfectly.
 
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“The torch! Grab the torch! Get it away!” she started to thrash about in the bed and Peter and Alia tried to hold her down. Alia shook her head sadly. She turned and looked at Peter.

“Do you think the healers will be able to help her?”

Peter didn’t answer right away. “I hope so.”

Alia turned back to Katriana. She sighed and rested her head on one of her hands.

“You should get some rest. You’ve been up all night. I’ll take over for now.” She looked at him warily, but he nodded, so she got up slowly and walked to her room. Peter turned back to Katriana. He put a new towel on her forehead. He prayed that she would make it till the healers came. She was sweating so hard and breathing so heavily that he wondered what was going on inside her head. Her breathing suddenly became much faster and her face contorted as she clenched her fists. Peter grabbed her shoulders, prepared to hold her down should she start thrashing again.

She let out a blood-curdling scream, and grabbed her leg. Peter held her down as best he could, but she was surprisingly strong considering what poor condition she was in. Her body shuddered violently, and her breath came in short gasps. A few of the maids ran back in. Mrs. Beaver and Edmund came rushing in, and Ed was carrying a tea pot. He looked as awkward as could be, but nobody really noticed at that moment.



Listening: Still Watch the World Burn, but the end of the song. Gosh, it's just heart-wrenching!
 
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