Broken

jesusfreak

jesusfreak

Member
Hey everybody. I'm going to start a new fan fiction... I think the title is going to be Broken... but I don't know if it fits the rest of the story... so i'll need you to tell me what you think. = )

Chapter 1

Screaming. More screaming. When will they ever stop? When will the inevitable happen? When will this family rip apart?

Quiet. What happened?

“You idiot! You probably woke Melony up!” my daddy screams.

“Me! How could I be the problem? You started this discussion!” my mother screams back. My hands fly to my ears. I don’t want to hear this anymore.

“You want to know what I think? You want to know what I think?!” my mother yells.

“What?! What do you think Caroline?” There’s an angry crash. I cover my face with my pillow. It couldn’t happen now, not now.

“I hate you! I hate Florida, I hate my life, and I hate raising my daughter in your horrible house. My frame is shaking. I can’t stop. I realize that I am sobbing along with my mother.

There’s more crashing and rustling. “I’m leaving and I’m not coming back. Ever!” my mother yells as she thunders out of their room.

“You aren’t going anywhere!” my daddy is crying now too.

“Oh you bet I am, and I’m taking Melony with me.”

“No Caroline. Please, don’t take her. Don’t leave. Caroline, I love you. Don’t leave me, please!”

“Save it for someone who cares Charlie.”

My mother throws open my door. It slams against the wall. My picture of Jesus falls to the floor and shatters. My mother throws open my drawers and angrily takes out clothes. She isn’t crying anymore.

I can see my daddy kneeling in the hall outside my door. His head is in his hands. His body is rippling and shaking as he cries. He looks up at me. Our eyes lock. His eyes are dead, empty of life. My daddy is broken. Can he be fixed? I don’t think so. You can’t bring back something that’s dead.

My mother steps in front of me. “Put these on Melony. We have to go.” My mother storms to my closet and pulls out my little pink suitcase. She puts it on the end of my bed and starts filling it with clothes. Daddy is still crying.
I don’t want to make my mother angrier. I decide to put the clothes on.

My daddy stands. His body is trembling like someone is holding his shoulders and shaking him wildly. He starts to walk towards me. I follow him with my eyes. Mom sees it and wheels around. She glares at Daddy with such hatred. The old saying flashes through my mind, If looks could kill.

“Don’t you dare touch her Charlie,” my mother growls. Daddy acts like he doesn't hear her, maybe he doesn’t. He keeps coming towards me with his arms outstretched.

“One last hug munchkin.”

I throw myself off the bed and run to into Daddy’s arms. My mother reaches out to stop me, but she misses. Daddy takes me up in his strong arms and sinks to his knees. He entangles his big fingers in my hair and cries harder

Daddy pulls my face from his shoulder, sandwiching it with his hands, and traces my eyebrows with his thumbs.

Daddy wipes away a tear that hangs in my eyes. I know it’s just one of the first like stars. You look out at the stars and you only see one or two at the beginning and the longer you watch the more come and then they’ll all disappear, but you know they’ll be eventually even though the clouds might cover them tomorrow

“I love you pumpkin and you better not forget it. I love you so very much. Everything will work out.”

I realize now that my mother is prying my fingers from the loop that I had made around Daddy’s neck. I hold on tighter. Daddy gives me one final squeeze and then reaches up to help my mother uncurl my fingers.

I’m mute. I can’t move. My mother and I are leaving. It hits me like a blow to the stomach. Daddy has my fingers undone. My mother has her arms around my waist, ready to rip me from Daddy’s loving arms.

“Wait Caroline. Let me just carry her to the car.”

“Fine,” my mother spits at Daddy. Daddy stands. I hang limp in his arms. I ache. My head hurts. My stomach churns. My heart is broken. I’m broken.

Daddy opens the car door with one hand as he holds me in the other. He gently lays me in the seat. I sit there… dead. My eyes lock on his face, wrinkled and creased with anguish. His eyes burn in pain. His body slumps in sadness. Daddy reaches over to clip me in.

I search for my voice. I need to hurry, but I just can’t find it. I manage a whisper. “I love you Daddy.” Tears well up in my daddy’s eyes. I glance to the back of the van. My mother is struggling with our bags. Her face is fixed into a tight angry glare as she throws the bags into the trunk. She slams the trunk door with such force that it shakes the car. Daddy winces. I close my eyes. I can’t see my daddy in any more pain.

“I love you too, Melony,” my daddy whispers back. My mother gets in the car and slams the door.

“Good-bye Charlie and good riddance.”

“I love you more than life itself Melony. Forgive me. And Caroline, I love you. I’ll never stop loving you.” Tears stream down Daddy’s face as he slides the van door shut.

My mother pulls out of the driveway. Daddy slumps to the ground.

He puts his head between his knees. I watch him sit there. He is broken,
just like me.


Ok... I need feedback, or I won't post any more. If you like, tell me why. If you don't, tell me why. Thanks. God bless.

~Jesusfreak
 
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You obviously have too much optimism in your writing, always depicting everybody happy with no conflict at all! (-;

Kidding aside, I'm glad that, in depicting such an agonizing situation, you do NOT seem to be taking the usual politically-correct line that ALL fault belongs exclusively on the side of the husband and father.
 
Haha. Thanks for your comments. The first chapter is quite... sad... depressing... = ) haha. But hopely the story will get a little less depressing. I started this story out with a kick... hoping it would get people hooked. = ) haha. Hopefully that made you want to read more. = )

Wow... I've actually posted this story on other forums, but I've never gotten a comment like that. I guess I sort of think of it the same way... but I've never truely thought of it like that.


Copperfox said:
You obviously have too much optimism in your writing, always depicting everybody happy with no conflict at all! (-;

Kidding aside, I'm glad that, in depicting such an agonizing situation, you do NOT seem to be taking the usual politically-correct line that ALL fault belongs exclusively on the side of the husband and father.
Click to expand...
 
Chapter 2

I’m waking up from a horrible dream. It takes me a second to realize where I am. The rocking movement reminds me that I’m in the car. It’s all flooding back to me. We left. We aren’t going back and we’re leaving my daddy in the dust. A jagged, burning pain rips right through
me.

I peek up at my mother. Her cheeks are glistening. Her eyes are puffy. New tears threaten to spill over. My mother pulls the car over to the shoulder. She leans her elbows on the steering wheel. Sobs wrack her delicate body. My mother is disheveled from driving. I glance at the clock. 4:17 AM. No wonder.

I watch her with hatred growing up inside of me. How could she be so stupid? She had just
left her life behind. She has broken Daddy’s heart.

My mother pulls herself together. She stares out the window. I want to yell at her. I want to scream, to cry, but I can’t. It is like I have lost my will to live. My body is limp in the seat. What’s wrong with me? I concentrate hard. My voice won’t work. My voice is gone.

Since I can’t yell at her, for I have gone mute, I will no longer call her mother. She doesn’t deserve that much respect or love. She is now Caroline and nothing more. The searing pain rips through me again.

Caroline pulls back on to the road, but her tears haven’t stopped. I drift back to the warm comfort of unconsciousness.



I’m riding the roller coaster at the amusement park. I look over the edge at Mother and Daddy waving at me from the ground. I turn to look at Gab sitting next to me. He flashes me the crooked smile that melts away all of my fear. I grip his hand and squeeze. He laughs at me. I take one more peek below me at Mother and Daddy. They’re still smiling and waving. The roller coaster car starts to shake gently as it ascends.



My eyes flutter open. Caroline is trying to shake me awake. I close my eyes again. I want to
go back. I want to be with Gab, but it’s hopeless. The dream is gone. Gab is gone.

“Come on sweetie, wake up,” Caroline coos. We are in front of a house that I don’t recognize. Caroline reaches over me to unbuckle me.

“Are you hungry Melony?”

I cannot answer her in words. I’m trying. I can’t remember how my voice works or how to find it. I settle with a shake of my head.

Caroline backs up. I slowly pull myself from the van. I follow Caroline towards the door. Caroline pushes the doorbell. It is early morning. The sun as just come up and the birds are singing… when they have no reason to. I glare at a bird sitting on a bird bath in a garden on the side of the house.

We wait. I examine the house carefully. It’s quite a big house. It is a two story brick with
fancy gardens surrounding the house. It has a half-circle driveway. The yard is well taken care of. It is an extremely up-scale home. I subconsciously smooth out my shirt and hair.

The door opens. A lady stands in it with a huge smile on her face and her arms out
stretched. I flinch away. “Caroline! It’s so good to see you. Oh and this must be Melony. It’s a pleasure to meet you Melony.” The lady has a lovely voice that I want to answer. I search for my voice, but it is nowhere to be found. I look at my feet.

The friendly lady takes in our appearance. “You look horrible Caroline! What’s wrong?” she
asks concerned.

I glance at Caroline. She is looking at her feet. “I left him Rosie. I left,” Caroline mumbles.

“What?” Rosie asks obviously surprised. Tears well up in Caroline’s eyes. I’m glad she’s hurting. Maybe she’ll take me back. “Oh Caroline. Come inside.”

I follow Caroline and Rosie inside the house. The inside is as grand as the outside. Everything is rich, big and warm. I follow them through the magnificent house taking in everything. Caroline knows where she’s going. She’s obviously been here before.

I hear the noise of a video game, cars crashing, tires screeching, guns. I peek through the crack in the door. It’s coming from a slightly open door. I take a peek inside. A boy about a year older than me is sitting on a couch watching a boy about seven play a video game. They younger boy is sits on the floor. Caroline and Rosie quickly pass the door and I have to follow.
Rosie and Caroline have walk into a living room. I follow them. Caroline and Rosie are already sitting. Neither of them are talking. I sit down by Caroline.

“What happened?” Rosie asks. Caroline looks at Rosie and then at me, then back to Rosie. “Oh right, of course!” Rosie says. “Melony, you must meet my boys. Please follow me.” Rosie quickly stands up. I glance at Caroline. She nods. I slowly stand up and walk towards Rosie. Rosie quickly turns away from me and rushes out the door. She wants me out of here and to be back as soon as possible.

I study Rosie as we head back out the door. She is of medium height, quite thin, long dark brown hair, pale, but beautiful skin and piercing blue eyes. She moves like a cat getting ready to pounce, completely graceful and absolutely sure of herself.

She leads me back to the room with video games sounds. Rosie raps on the door and swings it open. Both boys turn away from the screen, their eyes fluttering back and forth between me and Rosie.

“Hello Mommy,” the younger boy exclaims. A wide smile graces his soft face. His features are different from his mothers, except for one, the beautiful pale skin. His hair is as black as night. His eyes are a beautiful, bright color of green, like two emeralds. He is short and small.

“Melony, this is my son Alec. He’s seven.” Ha. I guessed right. “And this is my son Jason. He’s ten.” Right again. Once year older than me, but just as fragile as his brother and mother. His hair is the color of polished copper, bright glossy. The skin is the same. His eyes are rich chocolate brown with hazel mixed in. They remind me of Gab’s eyes. I look at the floor.

“I’ll leave you kids here to get acquainted,” Rosie says as she’s half way out the door. She’s really anxious to talk to Caroline. Maybe she can convince her to go back home.
Jason takes a step towards me with his hand outstretched. “It’s a pleasure to meet you Melony.”

I take his hand and shake it gently. I look at the floor sheepishly. His voice makes me melt just like Gab’s had. And those eyes. I couldn’t look at them again.

“Hello Melony. My name’s Alec. What’s your favorite kind of ice cream?” I look up startled. Alec dances around like a happy puppy.

I try to open my mouth to answer him, but nothing comes out. I shut it and try again. No luck.

“Oh Alec, don’t bother her with sill questions. Come on Melony. I’ll pop in a movie. Is that okay?” Jason interrupts quickly, saving me from trying to answer. I nod.

My eyes are fixed in his now. I can’t release them. His magical gaze has turned my heart to pudding. All the pain I’m suffering doesn’t matter for the moment at least. Jason takes my hand and leads me to the couch. Alec is messes with the TV, turning off the video game and getting it set up for a movie.

“What would you like to watch?” Jason asks. I shrug. “You don’t talk much, do you?” He tries to keep a serious face, but breaks into a beautiful, breath-taking smile. I smile back. “Ok Alec, you pick out a movie.”

Alec looks over the movies neatly lined up on a shelf. He picks out Marry Poppins. I love this movie.

I concentrate hard. I need to find my voice. I have completely forgotten how to talk.
I spend most of the movie trying to get my voice to work. I’m sitting here still trying as the credits file past. Caroline walks in the room. I look up. She doesn’t look any happier. “Come on Melony,” she says with a plastic smile. “It’s time for us to get out of Mrs. Hoffman’s hair.”

She’s acting like this was such a casual visit, just a stop by to say hi, where she had really just left her husband. I stand up quietly.

“It was very nice to meet you Melony,” Jason says. I can’t think of a reason why it would have been. I haven’t said a word to him the entire time I’ve been here, not like I could. The smile he is giving me makes me almost believe that he’s sincere. It’s so genuine.

I follow Caroline out of the room. Rosie is at the end of the hall waiting for us. “Thank you so very much Rosie,” Caroline says with more tears in her eyes. Out of the corner of my eye I see Jason peering around the doorframe, a look of concern clouding his eyes.

“You’re very welcome Caroline. Come back whenever you need someone to talk to.” They embrace. “Were my boys good to you Melony?”

The question startles me. Of course they were good to me. They were angels, but I can’t tell Rosie that without words, so once again, all I can do is nod.

“Good,” Rosie calls. “Come back soon.” Caroline and I head towards the car. Caroline turns and waves. I don’t turn. I keep going. I’m hope we’re going home.

Caroline climbs into the driver seat and buckles herself. She lays her head against her headrest and sighs. “Melony, we’re going away for a while.” My heart sinks. “Your daddy and I just need some time apart.”

Yeah right.

“Mrs. Hoffman found us a great apartment about two hours away from here,” Caroline says. What a great job Rosie did to help the situation. She just pulled me two more hours away from Daddy.

I sink into the seat. I might as well sleep. I have nothing better to do. Once again, the protection of sleep lures me away from the car, Caroline, my pain and the memory of Gab in Jason’s eyes.

Ok, this is the editted version! Thanks to Amanda!
FB PLEASE!!!
 
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I love this story, for it's realism. (sp?) Many young girls have had to go through this and it's nice to hear someone write about it realisticly. (sp?)
 
Great job on this, jesusfreak. I like your writing style, although it would make more sense to me if you added a couple more commas and emphasis in your dialogue. And maybe some more detailed descriptions. For example:

Instead of...
“Don’t you dare touch her Charlie,” my mother growls.
Click to expand...

You could put...
“Don’t you dare touch her, Charlie,” my mother growls in my defense.
Click to expand...

Otherwise, I think you're doing a really great job on this. Like I said, you could add some more descriptions. Like when Melony is in the room with Jason and Alec, you could describe the room. For instance, 'The room was small and cramped, but welcoming. Covers that belonged to various video games were scattered across the room, and springs were sticking out of the sofa.' Or, 'The room was large... too large for me to feel comfortable. There was a huge television set, and a spotless white carpet that matched a cream-colored reclining chair where a boy was sitting.'

Keep up the good work, I can't wait to hear more :D
 
Hey. = ) First of all, I love your name!!!!!! ah! i'm a huge fan. = )

For this story, I choice a very intersting writing style, the point-of-view... the way the story is told, as it's happens. i thought it made it very unique and different to read.

Thanks! I really loved your advise! I'll go back through and change it up a bit... = ) Please, always gives me advise... Anything to keep this story lively. = )


xBella.MyEdwardx said:
Great job on this, jesusfreak. I like your writing style, although it would make more sense to me if you added a couple more commas and emphasis in your dialogue. And maybe some more detailed descriptions. For example:

Instead of...


You could put...


Otherwise, I think you're doing a really great job on this. Like I said, you could add some more descriptions. Like when Melony is in the room with Jason and Alec, you could describe the room. For instance, 'The room was small and cramped, but welcoming. Covers that belonged to various video games were scattered across the room, and springs were sticking out of the sofa.' Or, 'The room was large... too large for me to feel comfortable. There was a huge television set, and a spotless white carpet that matched a cream-colored reclining chair where a boy was sitting.'

Keep up the good work, I can't wait to hear more :D
Click to expand...

I'll post some more soon. Thanks everybody for your comments.

Everyone else who's read this and hasn't given me feedback... SHAME! i need feedback! even to just say you HATED it... anything please. = )
 
hey everyone. Next chapter! please don't forget to reply!

Chapter 3

Gab is holding my hand. He looks into my eyes. He is annoyed with me. He doesn’t want me around his friends. He’s afraid I’ll say something that will embarrass him. He’ll say he loves me and will play with me later.

“Melony, I love you and I want to play with you, but just not right now. I promise I’ll play with you later,” he says, just as I suspected.

I stick out my lower lip. “No you won’t,” I say knowing full heartedly that he will.

“Please Melony!” he cries. He pauses to think. “I got it. How about I take you to go see that movie that you wanted see this weekend?”

I stop and think about the offer. Of course Gab, being only eleven, could not, by himself, accompany me to the movies. I know Gab well enough to know though, that he’ll make it happen. Just to make sure, I ask, “You promise?”

“I promise.” A smile crosses his face. He knows he has me hooked. “I’ll talk to Dad later.” He runs off into the summer sunshine to play with his friends.


Sunshine, bright sunshine is filtering through the window, hitting my face. I turn my face away. I keep my eyes closed. I think of Gab. Why had my dream captured that wonderful, but horrible memory? I peek out from under my heavy eye lids. The bright sunshine hurts them. I close them quickly.

I try once again, blinking a couple times, trying to adjust. Miles of highway flash by as we travel farter and farther away from the home that I know and love. I wonder what Daddy’s doing right now and if he’s thinking of me.


“I told you I’d get Dad to take us,” Gab says as we wait in the car for Daddy.

“I can’t wait! Thanks you so much Gabby,” I exclaim.

The garage door shuts and Daddy walks to the driver’s seat. “You read to go kidos?” Daddy says as he sits down in the driver’s seat and turns to look at us.

“Yep!” I answer quickly. Gab laughs at my eagerness. I sit and listen to his laugh as though it were the best choir in the world.

Daddy pulls out of the driveway and onto the road.

I separate from my body and watch myself talk with Gab. I see the car coming. My body doesn’t. Daddy doesn’t see it. Gab doesn’t see it.

“No…” I whisper. The car quickly turns around the corner, broad siding our van, Gab’s side. I hear Gab scream. I see the car go through the sliding van door. I see it hit Gab. I see his body violently quake as the car hits him. I see his head whip out, snapping his neck. Both my body and I hear the crack. We both scream.


“Melony! Melony, what’s wrong?” Caroline asks in a nervous voice. I jerk awake. The screaming stop.

I screamed? Where did that come from? Can I talk again? I try. Nope. It’s still blocked. This mute issue must be connected to my subconscious mind.

“Melony?” I nod at her in her rear-view mirror. “We’re here.” I stare out the window at a tall brick building. It’s a cute little place. Each window has a balcony. Pots of flowers and ferns are growing on the little outcroppings in the building.

Caroline climbs out of the front seat. “Come on Melony.” I don’t look at her. The horror of the dream is still running through my mind. I think it over and over, causing myself a heart-wrenching pain every time, the car coming, Gab’s scream.

I follow Caroline around to the trunk of the car. I grab my pink suitcase and follow her as she heads for a small building beside the big brick one. Big words, “Landlord’s Office,” are painted in a bright cherry red above the door. Caroline hurries with her bags to get to the door.

A tiny bell rings as we walk in. An elderly woman is sitting behind a desk in the far back of a teeny front room. A door with a big lock on it is right next to the desk. I’m guessing it’s the landlord’s home.

I stand to the right of the door as Caroline goes up to the desk. The bell rings again as a boy with a stack of boxes in arms walks through the door. I quickly get out of his way. “Oh! Excuse me! I didn’t see you,” he says from around the boxes. I look at the ground. He frowns and walks past me to the counter.

He waits patiently behind Caroline with the boxes hoisted in his arms.

“Thank you. Thank you very much,” Caroline says as she turns away from the counter. She gives the boy a smile. I see the hurt in her eyes. She is soft towards little boys. “Come on Melony.”

I follow her without a word. The boy turns and watches us leave. We head over to the apartments. The sky is overcast. Heavy thunderheads are building. It will probably rain. The beautiful sunshine that woke me from my dreams has vanished.

Ok! Don't forget to give me FB! because if you don't, you won't get any more of the story. = )

God bless.

~Jesusfreak
 
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Hey Jesus Freak. I edited the whole first post and then it got messed up when i tried to post it :mad: I'm going to try it again soon, but just wanted to let you know what was up. The story is good!

mAndy
 
Lost Dreamer said:
Hey Jesus Freak. I edited the whole first post and then it got messed up when i tried to post it :mad: I'm going to try it again soon, but just wanted to let you know what was up. The story is good!

mAndy
Click to expand...

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! = )

For everyone else - I have the next chapter written, I just have to type it up! yeah. = ) it's will be posted probably sometime in the next week.
 
Hey jesus freak :) My comments are in blue, my corrections in red; delete everything that I underlined in red. Also a quick disclaimer: I am not a professional writer/editor, and anything I comment on is a personal opinion.
Here goes, then.

jesusfreak said:
Chapter 1

Screaming. More screaming. When will they ever stop? When will the inevitable happen? When will this family rip apart? When will my parents stab a jagged hole through my heart. (this last line doesn't make sense with the rest of the paragraph. It sounds like you mean Melony literally thinks her parents are going to stab her, or that you're suggesting her parent's are going to emotionally hurt her. I would delete the sentance)

Quiet. What happened? (start new line for the dialouge) “You idiot! You probably woke Melony up!” my daddy screams.

“Me?! (use either an exclimation point or a question mark. Using both is gramatically incorrect) How could I be the problem? You started this discussion!” my mother screams back. My hands fly to my ears. I don’t want to hear this anymore. Their arguments still reach my tightly covered ears. (i'd delete the last line. its unnessacary.)

“You want to know what I think? You want to know what I think?!” my mother yells.

“What?! What do you think Caroline?” my daddy replies. (try to use less dialouge tags--he yelled, he screamed, he said--they can clog things up and the story reads better without them.) There'sAn angry crash resonates as my daddy screams. I cover my face with my pillow. It couldn’t happen now, not now.

“I hate you! I hate Florida, I hate my life, and I hate raising my daughter in your horrible house! I hate Florida! I hate my life! And I especially hate having to raise my daughter in your horrible house!” my mother screams through heavy, shaky sobs. (this dialouge tag was lengthy, and we already know the mother is sobbing)My frame is shaking. I can’t stop. I realize that I am sobbing along with my mother.

There’s more crashing and rustling. “I’m leaving and I’m not coming back. Ever!” my mother yells as she thunders out of their room.

“You aren’t going anywhere!” my daddy is screams. He’s crying now too.

“Oh you bet I am, and I’m taking Melony with me.”

“No Caroline. Please, don’t take her. Don’t leave. Oh Caroline, I love you. Don’t leave me, please!” my daddy cries, no longer screaming.
“Save it for someone who cares Charlie. I’m leaving.”

My mother throws open my door. (You could try saying "mom" instead of "my mother" every once in a while, that's one words instead of two, and "my mother" sounds old, like saying "pop" instead of soda) It slams against the wall. My picture of Jesus falls to the floor and the glass shatters. My mother throws starts throwing open my drawers and angrily takes taking out clothes. She isn’t crying anymore.
I can see my daddy kneeling in the hall outside my door. His head is in his hands. His body is rippling and shaking as he cries. He looks up at me. Our eyes meet and lock. (choose either "lock" or "meet" but don't use both) His eyes They are dead, empty of life. no life remains in his eyes. My daddy is broken. Can he be fixed? or even heal I don’t think so. You can’t bring back something that’s dead.

My mother steps in front of me, cutting my eyes from my daddy. Her back is turned from my daddy. “Put these on Melony. We have to go.” My mother storms to my closet and pulls out my little pink suitcase. She puts it on the end of my bed and starts filling it with clothes. Daddy is still crying.
I don’t want to make my mother angrier. I decide to put the clothes on.

My daddy stands. starts to stand His body is still shaking like someone is holding his shoulders and shaking him wildly. (try to find a different word to use besides "shaking", it gets repetitive) He starts to walk towards me. I follow him with my eyes. Mom sees it and wheels around. My mother thrashes around when she sees my eyes follow his movement. She glares at dadhim with such hatred. The old saying flashes flashed through my mind, If looks could kill.

“Don’t you dare touch her Charlie,” my mother growls. Daddy acts like he doesn'tdidn’t hear her, maybe he doesn’t didn’t. He keeps coming towards me with his arms outstretched.

“One last hug munchkin.” (start new paragraph)I throw myself off the bed and run to into Daddy’s arms. My mother reaches out to stop me tries to grab me , but she misses. Daddy takes me up in his strong arms and sinks to his knees. He entangles his big fingers in my hair and cries harder. Daddy starts crying harder.

My daddy pulls my face back away from his shoulder and holds my face sandwiched between his hands. He traces my eyes brows with his thumbs. Daddy pulls my face from his shoulder, sandwiching it with his hands, and traces my eybrows with his thumbs.

Daddy wipes away a tear that hangs in my eyes. I know it’s just one of the first like stars. You look out at the stars and you only see one or two at the beginning and the longer you watch the more come and then they’ll all disappear, but you know they’ll be eventually even though the clouds might cover them tomorrow. (I like what you're trying to say here, but it didn't come through well. Say what you're saying and nothing else. Be simple.)

“I love you pumpkin and you better not never forget it. I love you so very much. Everything will work out.”

I realize now that my mother is prying my fingers from the loop that I had made around Daddy’s neck. I hold on tighter. Daddy gives me one more final squeeze and then reaches up to help my mother uncurl my fingers.

I’m mute. I can’t move. My mother and I are leaving. It hits me like a blow to the stomach. Daddy has my fingers undone. My mother has her arms around my waist, ready to rip me from Daddy’s loving arms.

“Wait Caroline. Let me just carry her to the car.”

“Fine,” my mother spits at Daddy. Daddy stands. I hang limp in his arms. I ache. My head hurts. My stomach churns feels queasy . My heart is broken. I’m broken.

Daddy opens the car door with one hand hard as he holds me in the other. He gently lays me in the seat. I sit there… dead. My eyes lock are locked on his face, . His face is wrinkled and creased with anguish. His eyes burn are burning in pain. His body slumps is slumped in sadness. Daddy reaches over to clip me to seat belt me in.

I search for my voice. I need to hurry, but I just can’t find it. I manage a whisper. “I love you Daddy.” Tears well up in my daddy’s eyes. I glance to the back of the van. My mother is struggling with our bags. Her face is fixed into a tight angry glare as she throws the bags into the trunk. She slams the trunk door with such force that it shakes the car. Daddy winces. I close my eyes. I can’t see my daddy in any more pain.

“I love you too, Melony,” my daddy whispers back. My mother stomps to the driver seat. She gets in the car and once again slams the door.

“Good-bye Charlie and good riddance.” My mother turns to glare at Daddy.

“I love you more than life itself Melony. Forgive me. And Caroline, I love you. I’ll never stop loving you.” Tears are silently streaming stream down Daddy’s face as he slides the van door shut. (I deleted the "silently" one because it's an adverb and two because Melony's dad is talking, thus not crying silently.)

My mother quickly pulls out of the driveway. Daddy slumps to the ground.

He puts his head between his knees. I watch him sit there. He is broken,
just like me.
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I hope that wasn't too harsh for you, I know I deleted a lot of stuff, and that's tough to take. PM if you'd like a softer critique. This was a very emotional scene and those are hard to pull off with authenticity. You have some great material here...I'll critique more of it soon.

-Mandy
 
Lost Dreamer said:
I hope that wasn't too harsh for you, I know I deleted a lot of stuff, and that's tough to take. PM if you'd like a softer critique. This was a very emotional scene and those are hard to pull off with authenticity. You have some great material here...I'll critique more of it soon.

-Mandy
Click to expand...

Sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind. ;)
 
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