Darn You to Ever Burning HECK!!!

EveningStar

EveningStar

Mage Scribe
Staff member
Knight of the Noble Order
Royal Guard
You knew it was risky to eat a Hostess Twinkie that had gone past its expiration date. Now you are past your expiration date. Welcome to Heck. Yes, that's right, I'm EveningStar, Demon First Class. You always suspected that moderators are devils, and here's your confirmation. Pardon me while I take this phone call....
Yes, Specter? I see, Your Excellency. By all means, let's rush that order for more bumper stickers and campaign buttons, the primaries are just heating up! <haha, a little joke there>. Yes, and make sure he gets plenty of airtime. Adolf told me to say hi. Tell him 'Heil Hitler' you say?--oh, with TWO ELLS? Yes, I get it now! >;-) Bye!
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Sorry about that--the boss keeps me on a short leash. But where was I? Oh yes, your eternity in Heck. Well I'm turning this thread over as a blog so you can tell your late friends the details of your sufferings, such as the music you hear, the car you drive, the neighbours you have had inflicted on you, the food you are served, and what's playing on the telly. Remember, no serious theological discussions--that's reserved for the worst offenders in the Alpha Omega wing.
 
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Every time I reached for an ever-colder slice of spinnach vegetarian pizza, the phone would ring.

On the Television is a rerun of Disney's failed "LION KING XIV: Westward Ho the Meerkats". You DON'T want to know. Suffice it to say it had songs by the composer of "Care Bears on Broadway".

The wallpaper is red/green/blue/gold plaid to match the drapes, the upholstery and the carpet. Playing on the hi-fi is Justin Bieber's disastrous album teaming up with Zamfir and his magic panpipes in "Return to Sicily". At least on "O Sole Mio" they are joined by an accordion to give its savoir faire that certain ooh la la...
 
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Every time I go to use the mens room, someone else is using it.
There is nothing but ham left in the fridge to make sandwiches with
Math suddenly become a requirement to become a Librarian
Justin Beiber gets elected president, with Rebecca Black as vice president, Miley Cyrus as speaker of the house, and Paris Hilton in charge of Defense.
Cartoon Network drops cartoons entirely and become another Disney Channel style drone, Joining SyFy, MTV, MTV2, ABC Family, AMC and TV Land in the land of 'We no longer are doing niches and are doing reality series'.
 
Playing on th 8-Track Player is "William Shatner's Greatest Hits". After the entire series is done, this is followed by Gilbert Gottfried reciting the Periodic Table of the Elements. However he looses his place in the Nobel gases and has to start all over again.

If it is reprieve you seek you may certainly listen to a fine compelation of classic children's songs. Such gems as "Rainbow Connection" from the Muppet Movie, The Theme From Sesame Street, The Theme from Mr. Rogers, "Somewhere Out There" ( from American Tail)," Can You Feel The Love Tonight ( from The Lion King), and "You've Got a Friend in Me" ( From Toy Story)" are all on this disc, however it is covered by Batman from the recent live action Batman films ( Batman Begins and the Dark Knight), complete with the gruff, gravely , and to some barely audible Bat-voice.

In terms of work you are assigned to write a 1000 page essay on the roll that String Cheese played in the Demise of the French Monarchy durring the French Revolution, how ever just as you are done, the computer crashes and you have nothing saved, and you must start over. And it is due the next day.
 
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Caspian: My tomato cannon broke. It BROKE.
Frodo:..... My toaster now only shoots junk mail. BURY THE WORLD IN JUNK MAIL!
Midnight: I am cursed to return here. EVERY DAY. FOR THE REST OF MY MISERABLE LIFE. OR UNTIL I FORGET. AT WHICH TIME ALL MY FREE VIDEO GAME CARDS WILL EXPIRE, ALONG WITH MY DRIVERS LISCENCE, ID AND ALL MY CAREER OPTIONS. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT IS TO GET A JOB WHEN YOU'RE A CAT? A BLACK CAT?
Caspian: AND FRODO CAPS LOCKED US! AGAIN! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
Frodo: :p

Youtube has no automatic replay button you can click if you just want a song to keep playing.
Everyone except my mom ignores me on facebook.
My imaginary friends have disapeared....
I HAVE NO PRETZELS! NO PRETZELS!:eek:
And my cats act like convicts trying to escape prision when I go to feed them.
 
Sven-El said:
If it is reprieve you seek you may certainly listen o a fine compelation of classic children's songs. Such gems as "Rainbow Connection" from the Muppet Movie, The Theme From Sesame Street, The Theme from Mr. Rogers, "Somewhere Out There" ( from American Tail)," Can You Feel The Love Tonight ( from The Lion King), and "You've Got a Friend in Me" ( From Toy Story)" are all on this disc, hwoever it is covered by Batman from the recent live action Batman films ( Batman Begins and the Dark Knight), complete with the gruf, gravely , and to some barely audible Bat-voice.
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Um actually, I really want that. Please buy it for me for my birthday.

I am out of vanilla cremes.
Whenever I call anyone I get their voicemail. As if calling wasn't bad enough, voicemail makes it ten times worse.
 
I am stuck on an airplane listening to one of the flight attendants giving an interminable number of safety precautions out of a two inch thick book. As she talks she demonstrates such things as dodging sniper fire, removing a passenger from a fallen high voltage wire with a broom handle, and avoiding identity theft during turbulence. The only props she has are sock puppets.

I am stuck in a middle seat between the two Hemisphere Brothers, Left and Right. Of course they both are listening to onboard entertainment and they wave their tree-trunk arms to the beat, occasionally smacking me.

After several days of this, just as the flight attendant reached Zebras Zinging in from Zanzibar (the list is alphabetical) one of the crew reports that the mirror in the aft restroom has fogged up and we have to go back to the terminal.
 
The speaker on my itouch is just slightly too low so I can almost not maybe make out the words to the eternally annoying boy band song that will now partially be stuck in my head for the next millennium.

I will never sing the correct lyrics. And I will know that I'm not singing the correct lyrics. I will keep trying anyway. This will drive me insane.

I will never type the correct seemingly random sequence of characters that will create a winking smiley on chat.

Everyone will think that my copied and pasted winking smiley means I'm feeling flirty, not that I want to be sarcastic.

Only the incredibly odd people will be on chat.

They will chat all night.

Using the winking smiley on them was a very poor decision...

I will have several incredibly odd admirers...
 
With no magazines, a screaming baby, and an old lady with a cold next to you snoring, and the chairs are all hard and there is this one photo on the wall about optimism, that looks rather off center.
 
And the only book in this waiting room is one of the Twilight books and it just so happens that this book has been colored on by a two year old, and this same two year old is hitting you repetedly in any one of the human body's many pressure points, while the child's mother just shakes her head, sighs and says, "kids will be kids." Also the Hammer of Thor is crushing your left foot, while an angry marmot chews on the right.

Then when you reach for the book you did bring with, it has been replaced by an audio book of the 2nd Worst worst poetry in the universe. No not Vogon poetry, that's the third. No, not the poetry of Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings ( that is deemed to cruel) It is a copy of the poetry of the Asgoths of Kria, as written, compiled and read by their poet master. As your brain endures this poetry the Killer Rabbit from Monty Python and the Holy Grail is gnawing on your nose.

And your cell-phone rings and it is a telemarketer, who mispronounces your name and when you tell them "This is not a good time", they still try to sell you unpopped popcorn kernals.

And don't look now, Cerberus is headed for the waiting room...and he is hungry. He hasn't eaten anything in over 7000 years, and two of his three heads are overdue for a rabies vaccine. And he's bringing a friend for dinner...Fenrir, the dreaded wolf of Norse myth.
 
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Sven-El said:
And the only book in this waiting room is one of the Twilight books and it just so happens that this book has been colored on by a two year old, and this same two year old is hitting you repetedly in any one of the human body's many pressure points, while the child's mother just shakes her head, sighs and says, "kids will be kids." Also the Hammer of Thor is crushing your left foot, while an angry marmot chews on the right.

Then when you reach for the book you did bring with, it has been replaced by an audio book of the 2nd Worst worst poetry in the universe. No not Vogon poetry, that's the third. No, not the poetry of Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings ( that is deemed to cruel) It is a copy of the poetry of the Asgoths of Kria, as written, compiled and read by their poet master. As your brain endures this poetry the Killer Rabbit from Monty Python and the Holy Grail is gnawing on your nose.

And your cell-phone rings and it is a telemarketer, who mispronounces your name and when you tell them "This is not a good time", they still try to sell you unpopped popcorn kernals.

And don't look now, Cerberus is headed for the waiting room...and he is hungry. He hasn't eaten anything in over 7000 years, and two of his three heads are overdue for a rabies vaccine. And he's bringing a friend for dinner...Fenrir, the dreaded wolf of Norse myth.
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And you've been mysteriously covered in gravy from a pot of liver cooking so you're much tastier than usual
 
Bathroom? What bathroom? When we say suffering without relief, that's exactly what we mean! You should have thought of that before you came.

We toyed around for a while with red and black tile bathrooms with only cold water, hair strands in the sink and a cracked mirror. We tried hard...we really did...to find just the right hard, slicky cheap toilet paper. Then we realized it would entail high maintenance costs with a whole staff of plumbers to clog all the toilets and make the sinks drip.

The research did not all go right down the tubes (a little joke, that), because we used it "topside" to put the whammy on BP station restrooms. The only thing I hate about BP station restrooms is the lack of shower stalls. All these dead rats and nowhere to deploy them.
 
EveningStar said:
The research did not all go right down the tubes (a little joke, that), because we used it "topside" to put the whammy on BP station restrooms. The only thing I hate about BP station restrooms is the lack of shower stalls. All these dead rats and nowhere to deploy them.
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Once I had to take a shower in a place with cockroaches and a slug. The slug slowly made its way across the floor to the wall over the course of a week.... It took a very long shower.
The roaches would just randomly show up and then disapear two seconds later. Oh and then there was the time the sink got plugged up and this milliped or something drowned in the sink. While it was plugged (I think I was also the one who accidentally killed it....). Beat that.

AND THEN TEH MANGOS! THE PIRATES AND TEH MANGOS!
 
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