Lousy Opening lines.

The Spanish Inquisition

The Spanish Inquisition

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The title says it all. Write a really, really bad opening line.

Lordmaster Xein's'porung'runulationsox Wardeathblood, The powerful King of the land of Evile, sat on his gilded throne, drumming his fingers on a carved lion's head on the armrest, and planning the downfall of the Army Of Goodness, which wasn't going to be an easy feat, because they had Heeroe Goodkindness, the mystic warrior who'd never been beeaten on their side.
 
i have always enjoyed cheese. no pizza is better, actually we'll have pepporini. shouted by older brother over the phone as i played wiht my little brother, she was only 4
 
**LOL! These are too funny. Let me try ...**

I knew by the incessant buzzing of the flies that Buzzy the buzzmaster was approaching the back door with his dim wits dialed down to zero.
 
LOL, Inky.


Here's another.


"No, you can't do this to me!" I stared into his voilet eyes that flashed as he smiled, illuminating his face with joy, but he wasn't smiling now, liquid diomond tears were cascading down his drawn white face and dripping off his full ruby lips in such a way that I wanted to kiss him and wipe them away so he would feel better.
 
This is more than a sentence, but I wrote this opening when I was about 11. And it was supposed o be serious.

It happened three years ago. Only three, no more no less. Three years is not along time, but when those years are spent with trials, suffering, and pain three years can seem like an eternity. I was twelve at the time, never dreaming what misfortune would befall me. It all began when I took a trip with my father. This is my story, the story of Shantias.


This was before Monty Python, if you can believe that.
 
Yah, Mozart. That's pretty bad. SInq, yours wasn't so bad for age 11!

It was a dark and stormy night. Somewhere in the distance, a pot sang out.
 
Everyone wants to break things as a kid. I just wanted to a bit more than others... and I never grew out of it... there's nothing wrong with that though.

Off the top of my head^
 
These are really random!

How about:

My ankle rolled under me, causing me to fall onto the hard ground.
"Stupid, evil, spoiled potato!" I cried. "Go trip someone else!"
 
"Aha!" Twink Scumpnagel vociferously exclaimed, swinging his sweaty fist in an astonishingly sudden arc to an angry and sudden crescendo of "boom!" on the top of his impeccably polished antique cherry executive's desk, "I got him now!"
 
"Ye Gods!" exclamed Prunella as she, examining the morning paper whilst a half-consumed piece of marmelade-saturated toast languished under the jealous gaze of identical twin sister French poodles Fifi and Marcie, resolved to pull all her stock out of Amalgamated Mercantiles with all due haste.
 
Are you familiar with the Bulwer-Lytton annual contest for the worst opening lines? We have a couple books of compiled entries ("Dark and Stormy Night" and "Bride of Dark and Stormy") all based on that infamous beginning line that Snoopy parodied to such fame.

"Behold Gentlemen: I bring you corn!"
 
Oh yes, some of those are absolutely horrid. Though despite Bulwer-Lytton's reputation as writing the worst published novels, it's a known fact there is a one-shot wonder that did publish an even worse one. "Striking and Picturesque Delineations of the Grand, Beautiful, Wonderful and Interesting Scenery Around Loch Earn" by Angus McDiarmid, 1815.

Here is the opening SENTENCE. Read it aloud IF YOU DARE. No exaggeration, no embellishment, original spelling and vocabulary:

"Of the different remarkable curiosity flowing from the excellencies of the cataract at Edinample, which partly perspicuously to the view of the beholders; its infinitude confined between high wild rocks of asperity aspect, similar to a tract of solitude or savageness; its force emphatically overflowing three divisions; but, in the season of water dropping from the clouds, its force increases so potently, that these divisions, almost undiscovered, at which its incremental exorbitance transcended various object of inquisitiveness, peradventure in manuscript, in such eminantly measure, that its homogeniously could not be recognish at the interim, except existing in emblem to the waves of the ocean in tempestuous season."
 
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