Mary Poppins and the Pirates.

Copperfox

Copperfox

Well-known member
"Good morning, little Ahab; did you finish your mathematics homework?"

The twelve-year old handed over a modest sheaf of paper. "Mostly, Miss Poppins, except that I can't straighten out this long division."

"Show it to me........ Now, follow my quill-point. See, this number goes directly below this number."



The cinema has depicted Mary Poppins NOT aging from the Victorian era into the Edwardian era. But only I, Copperfox, have dug out secret records (amid chests of gold which turned out to be fake) which uncovered a much earlier birthdate. Early enough to make her a contemporary of the Pirates of the Caribbean.

In those days, Jamaica still was controlled by Britain; and since Britain had an abolitionist movement long before the United States did, Mary faced no harassment for her anti-slavery stand. Moreover, she exerted influence even on pirates, urging them to assume a privateering role for the Crown, rather than continue as buccaneers against all flags. Captain Rodney Falworth never lived up to the renown of Sir Francis Drake-- but he was a dutiful father to Ahab, his only child. The lad had acquired every conceivable nautical skill; and after his passing, the already-chosen guardian was there to provide onshore knowledge.

Mary Poppins already was known as a good witch. Jamaicans knew enough about her constructive influence that they left unsaid any questions about her protracted youthfulness. But her ward still bore the reputation of a buccaneer father. Accordingly, at Mary's tactful suggestion, Ahab Falworth quietly assumed a nickname appropriate for his talents.

Thus was born AHAB THE ATYPICAL .....who has no connection with Herman Melville's fictional whale hunter.
 
A VERY nice pirate. "Pardon me good sir, but thou'rt standing where I want to slay someone...."
 
"Ahoy, starboard side watch! Fishing trawlers on your quarter. Current not likely to bring them closer, but have the crow's nest relief keep a weather eye on them when he comes aloft to relieve me."

Over a period of eight years, young Ahab Falworth had routinely booked passage for the two of them on civilian ships. Apart from exceptions like the famous Annie Bonney, no pirate crew took orders from a woman; but even without her magical umbrella, Mary was valuable for her non-magical holistic medical skills. Global voyagers had already known about Chinese acupuncturists and Hindu herbalists for centuries. Occasionally, she used the phrase "a spoonful of sugar" as a generalization for her alternative treatments. The wives of the skipper and the first mate, the only other females on board, took comfort from Mary's anecdotes of being a governess. Her aura of omnicompetence had rubbed off on Ahab, and made it more natural even for total strangers to describe him as unusual or peculiar.

Daffyd the cabin boy tugged at Ahab's sleeve. "Are you sure Miss Poppins won't let me fly with her? I don't weigh much."

"Y'see, my good laddie, Mary's a nanny more than a good witch. She'd sooner die than jeopardize a youngster. Besides, there's a passel more to growing up than getting an umbrella's handle to speak. Especially languages, for a far traveler."

Mary supported her protege: "Learning languages doesn't just go spit-spot and you're fluent. Ever since juggling French and Russian, Ahab has grasped just how much a difference in phonetics influences comprehension. In French, oodles of consonants are silent; in Russian, apart from a few specialized characters, every letter makes a sound. Likewise, non-living objects in many languages have arbitrary genders, like a river is a woman or the ocean is a man."

Before the day was over, Mary had Daffyd practicing "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious."
 
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The next time it was summer in the Southern Hemisphere, Mary and Ahab took passage on board a three-masted sailing ship, cruised south along the coasts of Brazil and Argentina, and reached Patagonia. By this time, the ship's captain had been convinced by the umbrella-parrot that Ahab was NOT a typical pirate. Even before leaving Haiti behind, Mary's protege had earned glowing testimonials from shipping lines, confirming that he had worked security for them, spotting shore-based threats. (Even now, in the mid-nineteenth century, too many businessmen remained oblivious to the fact that pirates working from the coast maintained obscure lookout points until fat merchants showed up like flies approaching a spiderweb.)

Accordingly, the skipper agreed to drop anchor temporarily, so Mary and Ahab could go ashore and visit the penguin rookery.

"Mary, I don't mean to imply that you're quite contrary, but are you sure penguins-- yes, I understand that you can speak to them-- will consent to circumnavigate Cape Horn, EVEN IF their hatchlings are mature enough to fend for themselves?"

"No worries, my dear; I wouldn't be much of a nanny if I permitted younglings of ANY species to be abandoned to sharks and sea lions. And of course, the adults who do join us on the way along Chile and Peru won't suffer from heat."

"Won't they? While it's SUMMER down here?"

"Fear not, my good-hearted boy. Remember that seawater drains heat away even in the tropics. Ahoy, Captain! Hoist the sails and the anchor, spit-spot!"



By the time it was summer along the Baja California coast, the escorting penguins took their leave and went. They would pass along their choreography training to following generations of coastal marine fowl.

Complete railway lines across the United States did not yet exist; but stagecoach passengers, and the stable hands at stopover points, enjoyed hearing duets performed by nanny and ward. (Some folks were convinced that the only magical thing about this nanny was her unselfish love.) Since it would be decades yet before coal and wood fires ceased to be the norm, it was obvious that chimney sweeps were natural subjects for songs. Ahab couldn't help wondering whether chimney sweeps ACTUALLY WERE as lucky as lucky could be.

It goes without saying that, when passengers were sleeping, Ahab moved around with catlike tread.



Rough weather held them up for five days. On the fifth afternoon, a heavyset local man, with hair long enough to suggest a lion's mane, came shuffling from the direction of the local cemetery, fearfully mumbling, "I do believe in spooks, I do believe in spooks!" Mary let her umbrella lift her on a short-trajectory hop toward the apparently cowardly gentleman. Calmly reassuring him that all was well, she exerted enough goodness-energy to roust out anything undead.

That night several Natives turned up, clad in heavy fur cloaks which swirled around them in a manner suggestive of buffalo wings. First they solemnly chanted "Oh-ree-oh, pi-OH-rum!" When assured by the travelers (one of whom was an insurance agent} that no zombies or ghouls were active thereabouts, the relieved Natives sang, "Ding dong, the lich is dead!"

Shortly before beddy-bye time, Mary Poppins advised Ahab to stay awake without nodding his head. This done, she noted that she had been given the best room at the way station. Inspecting the bed frame, she became convinced that the wood was Norwegian.

Early the next morning, she heard a rooster crowing. Once dressed, she sought out the manager, congratulating him: "And your bird can sing!"

Before the travelers resumed their stagecoach trip on the long and winding road, one of the of the Natives was examined by a certain Doctor Robert.
 
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Eventually reaching the Mississippi, they waited on the waterfront. A local fellow called Marlin something told them that he was hoping they might stay long enough to support the longshoremens' efforts to achieve equitable conditions.

Ahab looked over at Mary Poppins. "Mary, didn't you tell me about meeting a gentleman called Colonel Christopher Brando? Didn't you say he had served in the Royal Marines, right around the time they taught Napoleon a lesson at--"

The metallic parrot had kept his peace up till now; but he anticipated Mary Poppins' annoyance. Lowering his voice, he half whispered; his voice was like someone stealing upon an intended prey with cat-like tread. "No sound at all. Don't speak a word!" Mary took it from there. "A gentleman does not ask a lady's age."

A young lamplighter, passing by just then, expressed support. The dock worker let the matter pass; as he went, he sang something to himself about rolling on the river.

Now Ahab spoke again, in a normal voice: "Maybe we should catch a boat with big wheels turning. You, Mary, are entitled to be proud."

"I can see doing that," Mary agreed.

"Naturally, when we reach the Gulf of Mexico, I can learn to step in time to a sailor's hornpipe." Now Ahab indulged in a pun: "Of course, after we head back north by northwest, we could return here o-Cajun-ally."

The parrot interrupted by biting Ahab's hand. "Go fly a kite!"
 
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I can't help it...Mary Poppins and the Pirates sounds like a rock group. Didn't they do the song "A spoonful of cocaine helps the medicine go down??"
 
For what it's worth, Mary and Ahab will both be heard singing at various points in the story.

''''''----....----''''''----....----'''''----....----''''----....----''''----....----'''''

A Winnebago Indian chief (yes, there's an actual Native tribe, not just a motor home) took time to meet the travelers and pick up news from points west. Standing Wolf had an osprey, in fact an INDIVIDUAL osprey, as his spirit animal. Standing Wolf called him "Bag Of Grain," because this raptor was just plump enough to resemble a bag of crumbs which city people would buy for two pennies in order to feed pigeons near a church. Bag of Grain preferred to eat fish when possible, thus him eating pigeons was a non-issue. Being a third- generation Christian, he could imagine the saints and apostles looking down. Ahab shared various news about their earlier travels.

Some remarkable details about the journey-- especially the part about the penguins-- intrigued Standing Wolf enough that they presently joined in a prayer session for those talented waterfowl.

All this happened years after Davy Crockett and Jim Bowie died valiantly at the Alamo. Before saying farewell to Standing Wolf, Mary Poppins remarked, "I'm glad to know that the liars haven't been believed."

"What liars?"

"The liars are those who claimed that Sam Houston and his lot were aggressors who hated Mexicans for not being white. The truth is that many Mexicans GLADLY SIDED WITH the Texans, because General Santa Ana was a vicious tyrant."



Mary, Ahab and the sentient umbrella underwent a magical hibernation, by way of a magic lullaby sung by Mary.

When they awakened, Ahab grasped just HOW magical the nanny was, because they woke up not needing to go to the loo. Their sweat didn't even stink. The most interesting news to reach them-- and it was notable that news could now be carried by telegraph-- was that Great Britain had formed a regular league for soccer football. Expanding on this, newspapers reported that extraordinary gentlemen supported this league.

More sobering were the recent accounts of Indians being forced onto reservations. Regretfully, Mary Poppins muttered to Ahab: "I wish I had the magic to remedy this. I hope, at least, to hear that the British Empire has improved its own handling of indigenous people."

The parrot interjected: "Don't be overly hard on England. You remember how our empire STOPPED the Hindus from burning widows alive."
 
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The most remarkable occurrence to take place after their NEXT hibernation-- and after a transatlantic voyage-- was meeting W.S. Gilbert, lyricist partner of Arthur Sullivan. Having heard reports of Mary's magical deeds, Mister Gilbert asked whether she might consent to be a consultant for their planned opera "Iolanthe."

Ahab whispered to Mary in Spanish, which both of them had picked up in South America: "Go ahead and seize the opportunity. I can take employment as a longshoreman; you can have Gilbert and Sullivan hold my cutlass for me in their props room."

"Lo siento,"Mary began, then switched back to English. "Regrettably, Mister Gilbert, I expect soon to accept a domestic position with the household of a certain Mister Banks--purely coincidence that he IS a banker. Mistress Banks, though not wrong to seek enfranchisement for women, is inevitably going to need a governess. I know how to walk a fine line there, never letting them resent their mother's absence and rely excessively on me."

"I believe you there," said Mister Gilbert. "There are those who steal the children of others, but your love won't be of that sort. Jane and Michael will only love their mother more, not less, when she comes home from campaigning."



Ahab the Atypical did succeed as a longshoreman, his piratical history remaining Most Secret. Arthur Sullivan, meeting the non-piratical pirate before he made for the Thames, kindly provided Ahab with a locking-blade knife for self-defense.

Ahab thus never met Jane Banks and Michael Banks. Nor did he meet the chimney cleaner named Bert, who was renowned for dancing on rooftops. Ahab did, though, get to see the kite-flying celebration which preceded Mary Poppins being able to join him. Once lodged in adjacent rooms at a comfortable hotel, Mary was able to relate an incident with the lyricist.

"In the recitative where the Pirate King explains the ingenious paradox concerning Frederick's birthdate, Mister Gilbert fumbled the syllable count just once." She repeated it back, up to the indicated phrase, thus: "One year in every four, his days shall be nine and twenty."

"All right, Mary, I caught it. So how did you correct it?"

"Thusly: 'One year in every four, WITH THE EXCEPTION OF MULTIPLES OF ONE HUNDRED, his days shall be nine and twenty'."

"But that went over like a lead airship," Mary's parrot grumbled. "Great artists really DO get arrogant."

For their next celebrity visit, the two managed to meet the aspiring novelist Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. It was entertaining enough to hear that Doyle could jump from writing about forensic crimefighting to writing about dinosaurs.


Moving along from there (with another hibernation interval), they experienced The Great War. Mary joined the Red Cross on the French front. Resolved to stay close to her, Ahab was gratified to learn that current rifles were not so difficult to master. And no, Ahab did NOT feel guilty about shooting and killing enemy combatants. No "both sides equally guilty" drivel for him-- especially after seeing that even Mary's powers could not always cure men poisoned by mustard gas.

Almost the only English-language song which Ahab heard in that period was George Cohan's "Over There."

Retaining a bad taste from the war to end all wars, the three comrades took a still longer interim-- and took it back in America. When they next woke up, cinema and television existed. Somewhere in there, a movie was made ABOUT Mary herself! Finding out that the movie had been based on a book by one Patricia Travers, they soon visited a public library. They inquired about the book, to be told that Travers had described Marry Poppins, though still magical, as obese and not given to dancing and singing with chimney sweeps.

Years passed like classical gas, till the trio decided to slow down. They had, after all, moved too fast, failing to make mornings last. Thus, wherever there were any cobblestones, Mary and Ahab would (metaphorically) kick them, which tended to make them feel groovy.

At some point, Ahab had even contrived to unearth buried treasure, which reminded him of the book "Treasure Island." It happened that they got to see a live-stage play of the novel in Chicago. Since the leading actor was not about to suffer amputation of a leg for art's sake, the director adapted the story so Long John Silver merely LOST THE USE of his left leg.




IN OUR NEXT EXCITING EPISODE, COPPERFOX WILL START FIGURING OUT HOW BEST TO GIVE THIS A SATISFACTORY CONCLUSION, SO AS TO MOVE ON TO OTHER UNCOMPLETED THREADS LIKE "THE TRINITY MUSKETEERS".
 
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