My own Stories

[The Spanish Inquisition]

protag just needs to have some serious lessons from thumper.........

Not everyone can be cute and fuzzy. If we were all cute and fuzzy, nothing would get done.
I actually LIKE Protagaroo. I'd actually think it funny if he commented on my writing...
*pokes link in siggy, shamelessly advertising my writing*

 

[Mozart the Meerkitten]

For anyone who cares here's more of my story:

Carrissa hummed quietly. She was sitting outside of the lot in which there was nothing except weeds and blank spaces. She was thinking and pondering about what had been happening the last few days. "I wonder why he had something happen to him? Why couldn't something happen to me too? Why does he get to have all the fun?" these were quetions that were running through her head. She had a right to ponder and wonder to. For ever since she and Carrissa Kitten left the Portal Carrissa Kitten had been steadily growing. Steadily but much faster than any kitten should. He was already taller than your average tom-cat and still growing... It had been three days since they went through the Portal. "I bet nothing will happen to me though." muttered Carrissa. She was wrong of course, but she would not find out about it for a long time (at least it would seem long for her).

 

[Mozart the Meerkitten]

Chapter 4

Chapter 4
Katlyn

When Carrissa went back to camp she was still wondering about these things. Carrissa Kitten greeted her saying "Just in time," "I'm going out on a scouting party wanna come?" he asked "I guess." said Carrissa flatly. Carrissa Kitten took no notice. Instead he trotted off into the forest. Carrissa shrugged and followed.
They went deep into the forest, keeping quiet alert for wolves and other dangers. Suddenly Carrissa Kitten stopped looked around warily and motioned for Carrissa to circle around. Then he pounced. When he came out he was pushing a young she-cat no older than himself (she was also not much smaller). "Who dares to come into the wood of the wolves and of the Carrissa's?" said Carrissa. "Kattie-lin or Katlyn," Spat the young she-cat, "So let me go!" and she began struggling but it was no use Carrissa took out of her back pack a rope and tied Katlyn up and carried her back to camp.

 

[Mozart the Meerkitten]

Katlyn was very angry, even more so when Carrissa locked her inside Herbie so that they could figuer out what to do with her. "I think we should send her back into one of the vilages where the cats live." said Carrissa, "She'd be safe there." "NO!" cried Carrissa Kitten "And you say I'm loud." said Carrissa "That'd wake all the wolves this side of the river." she said. "Why not anyway," continued Carrissa "I mean she is just a kitten and she doesn't concern us much." "I-I-I'm afraid they'd catch me and take me back home is all." said Carrissa Kitten trying to sound nonchalant. "Thats not it at all though is it? You know what I mean Carrissa Kitten and I wouln't stand for it!" and with that Carrissa stomped off.

 

[king_peter_rox]

You are not going to like me very much.
But as it is, that you have posted your story on the internet, and more specifically on a very popular forum, you are up for criticism by all who are registered.

This story is not very good, through my eyes anyhow. It is not something I would bother to read twice and it most certainly lacks a good, original plotline. I suggest starting fresh. It sounds very much like "The lion, the witch, and the wardrobe."
I understand that Idea's and Concepts are always stolen and imitated in our own writing, but really? You wrote this when you were four? [[or thought it up]] I find that very hard to believe....
But to write a good story, one must take the time to think about their characters, they must have a purpose, a drive. Not just a stolen plotline.

The formatting makes it extremely hard to understand also.

For example:

Suddenly from nearby there was a howl. "Oh no!" "I think the wolves heard you." said Carrissa Kitten "It may have saved some trouble if you had just asked your question in the first place." muttered Carrissa, "Never mind that now come on." "Where are we going?" asked Carrissa "My home." said Carrissa Kitten. "My mom told me never to talk to strangers let alone go home with them." said Carrissa defiantly "Oh fine," said Carrissa Kitten "Get eaten by wolves see if I care." said Carrissa Kitten and stalked off, Carrissa thought for a moment then ran after him calling "Wait up!" "Shhh!" "You've already caused enough raket to wake the whole Dog-land Army." "Who?" Carrissa Kitten sighed and said "Tell you later."

This could be reformatted to this:

Suddenly from nearby there was a howl.
"Oh no!"
"I think the wolves heard you." said Carrissa Kitten
"It may have saved some trouble if you had just asked your question in the first place." muttered Carrissa, "Never mind that now come on."
"Where are we going?" asked Carrissa
"My home." said Carrissa Kitten.
"My mom told me never to talk to strangers let alone go home with them." said Carrissa defiantly
"Oh fine," said Carrissa Kitten "Get eaten by wolves see if I care." said Carrissa Kitten and stalked off, Carrissa thought for a moment then ran after him calling
"Wait up!"
"Shhh!"
"You've already caused enough raket to wake the whole Dog-land Army."
"Who?" Carrissa Kitten sighed and said "Tell you later."

Also, to make this story better. Change the characters names so they are extremely different. Carrissa. Carrissa Kitten?
Come on. Help the reader out, It's confusing.

 

[NarniaGirl12]

They're BOTH good stories I like 'em BOTH!!!!

 

[king_peter_rox]

M/M
Keep writing.
Keep expiramenting.
Keep playing with your ideas.
That is the key to getting better

 

[The Spanish Inquisition]

I agree with everything King Peter said. I was just to lazy to do that myself.

 

[Mozart the Meerkitten]

hello, I'd like to point out for anyone just to specify I came up with this story when I was 4 I didn't even know Narnia Lord of the Rings or Anthropos existed. all I knew about was my own imginary land of Catland which comes later in the story I'm writing. I found out about Narnia when I was 9 and Anthropos and Lord of the Rings at 12. So for anyone wondering this is as orginal as it can get!

TTYL

 

[The Spanish Inquisition]

hello, I'd like to point out for anyone just to specify I came up with this story when I was 4 I didn't even know Narnia Lord of the Rings or Anthropos existed. all I knew about was my own imginary land of Catland which comes later in the story I'm writing. I found out about Narnia when I was 9 and Anthropos and Lord of the Rings at 12. So for anyone wondering this is as orginal as it can get!

TTYL

I must ask, then, how old are you?

And just because it was new and different then, it doesn't mean it is so now.

 

[Copperfox]

Mozart, I do not say that your story is bad, but I will say that some things * I * wrote when I was young really stank. The only way I ever got better was:

-- Read more of what others have written.

-- Write more myself.

-- Repeat above steps.

It's okay, one is _allowed_ to stink here (again, I'm not saying your work does), as long as it's a family-friendly stench. So don't stop writing; and I'm certain your critic doesn't mean for you to _stop_ writing, either.

 

[king_peter_rox]

hello, I'd like to point out for anyone just to specify I came up with this story when I was 4 I didn't even know Narnia Lord of the Rings or Anthropos existed. all I knew about was my own imginary land of Catland which comes later in the story I'm writing. I found out about Narnia when I was 9 and Anthropos and Lord of the Rings at 12. So for anyone wondering this is as orginal as it can get!

TTYL

But that is irrelevant now, because you do know the tales of narnia and LOTR and Anthropos, so it is a bit silly to continue to go in the same direction you're going with this story. Change it up, keep at it, but be constantly tweaking and changing things. Even the smallest, most insignificant details could make a difference in the long run.

I honestly do not think that you thought of this when you were four. The human mind cannot remember much past the ages of five and six. Just small strands of memories that have survived and are stored in our long term memory.

 

[SusanTheGentleHornblower]

hello, I'd like to point out for anyone just to specify I came up with this story when I was 4 I didn't even know Narnia Lord of the Rings or Anthropos existed. all I knew about was my own imginary land of Catland which comes later in the story I'm writing. I found out about Narnia when I was 9 and Anthropos and Lord of the Rings at 12. So for anyone wondering this is as orginal as it can get!

TTYL

I agree with everyone. Even though Protag went completely the wrong way about it, he was telling you that you need to change some things. You saying the above speaks to me that you don't want to change the story at all, which is fine, but that also means that not everyone is going to enjoy reading it, so you should expect criticism. Also, have you ever read the Redwall books? If not, and you want to make this story into something, check them out! They will point you in the direction that will improve your writing skills while keeping the same plot line.

Nicki

Well, he did read it, and he's entitled to his opinion...
There doesn't seem to be much critisism here, you know? It's mostly people saying "It's awesome" without reason, which is just as bad as saying that it's good without reason....

I guess so. I just know that I would be furious if he came into my thread and humiliated me like that. And unfortunately, I agree with you about the critisism thingy. It's not always true, because I've found some readers who are willing to give their honest opinion, but you have to remember that a lot of people on here are young and don't care to critique, they just want to read a good story for fun.

 

[king_peter_rox]

Well, he did read it, and he's entitled to his opinion...
There doesn't seem to be much critisism here, you know? It's mostly people saying "It's awesome" without reason, which is just as bad as saying that it's good without reason....



Good. I would like to see what you call "better".
Chances are what you came up with as a little kid isn't going to be very good.

You are so right. Almost all of the opinions on here are 100% subjective, I am included in this too. I just dont think it's a very original plotline and it lacks good composition. But I do not know the age of the author, I know it shouldn't matter, but a lot of the time age matters. Because with age comes expiriance...

[[well not in amelia atwater-rhodes' case anyway...she wrote her first novel at 13 and it sounds like a fifty year old author....]]

 

[Mozart the Meerkitten]

I am 12 1/2 years old and the reason I still remember this story is because I continuosly went over it in my mind from a point to remeber it. I wanted to remeber it because I liked it and still do!

Also I can't tell if you want me to stop writing this story and write one of my other ones or go on.

 

[Mozart the Meerkitten]

Will someone please reply to me so I can put more stories or parts of them up?!?

 

[Copperfox]

Here's a reply! Write what you please!

 

[king_peter_rox]

I am 12 1/2 years old and the reason I still remember this story is because I continuosly went over it in my mind from a point to remeber it. I wanted to remeber it because I liked it and still do!

Also I can't tell if you want me to stop writing this story and write one of my other ones or go on.

Aw, the days where the "1/2" still counted....

Okay, here is what you can do:
If you do like the story you are working on and posting, then do it. Trust me, your still very young, I am only 17, but I know this: Try out the advice people give you when it comes to your writing. Since you are still learning and developing your own technique. Save an original copy of your story. Then copy and paste it into a new document and change it. Tweak it. Go crazy with this disposable copy.
I really hope this helps you, and like I've said before, keep writing.

Also remember:
Since you post your stories online, you are subject to critisism and rude remarks. Do not take it personal, though it is extremely hard not to... Just remember it is just a story that they are being rude towards. When they start attacking you, you must be bold and tell them that they've crossed a boundary and that its not okay.
Hope that helps you!

-KPR
ps
Sorry if I hurt your feelings with my critisism. Unlike most people, I appologize for being critical. Though, my posistion on your story does not change.

 

[Mozart the Meerkitten]

Journey To a New Land

Since many people don't like my first story I'll see what you think of this one. Also this is kind of a fan fic for The Warriors books (Warriors is a seris about Cats).

Journey To a New Land

Chapter 1
The Long Journey Begins anew.

Tigerheart stalked the mountains she had come to know, looking for prey and danger. She was alone. Even in now familiar territory the cats of the clans rarely stalked these mountains alone. Tigerheart was an exception. She was large for a two year old she-cat, almost as large as Little Ribbony, who despite his name was huge for even a clan cat. Tigerheart was now alone but not as much as she thought. For soon she heard soft little paws approaching. Then a young cat appeared. Small but brave Flower, Tigerheart’s feisty apprentice was anything but delicate. The little cat ran over to Tigerheart with a mischievous glint in her eyes. “Tigerheart!” she mewed, “All right” growled Tigerheart playfully but strictly, “what’d you do this time?” Flower and her sister and brothers were known for getting into trouble. “Oh nothing.” Mewed Flower, “Just makin’ you the proudest mentor ever!” she squeaked. “And how is that?” demanded Tigerheart. “Follow me.” As Flower happily bounced off Tigerheart shook her head and then followed. Flower lead Tigerheart a little higher up to the top of the mountain. Soon Tigerheart heard a roaring noise, and a waterfall was suddenly in front of them. Bellow it was a small grassy clearing with rocky out crops on all sides. Then above the roaring of the waterfall, Tigerheart heard it. A blood curdling shriek, Tigerheart looked up just in time to see a huge hawk hurtling downward towards, “FLOWER!!!” Tigerheart leapt on the young cat just as three cats bounded out from behind a rock, and the hawk dove down. Two leapt up and caught the birds wings, the other grabbed Flower by the scruff and dragged her to safety behind a rock. Tigerheart looked pleased, she knew they were letting her do the honors. Tigerheart jumped and grabbed the bird’s neck and bit down until it was dead. When the huge bird, bigger than Tigerheart herself, fell dead Tigerheart was panting but she looked pleased, after all these cats were apparently skilled at catching these birds. “Well!” meowed Tigerheart, “if all the stories about the mountain cats were never believed my whole clan can call me crazy for seeing them!” And to Flower, “You could have gotten us both killed! What were you thinking?!? And at that why weren’t you at camp were you were supposed to be? Or at least with a responsible GROWN cat?!?” Flower didn’t even try to answer all these questions. Instead at each one Tigerheart asked she only mewed softly “I’m sorry I wouldn’t do it again.” “You had better be sorry you little cat you!” “I’ll of course have to report this to my mother.” “What?!?” cried Flower, “Just kill me now then will you?” “Oh she’s not that bad.” Said Tigerheart whose mother happened to be leader of the Clan.

 

[Mozart the Meerkitten]

I suppose I'll post more:"She is sometimes." mewed Flower "Oh she only comes up with fair punishments." meowed Tigerheart. "Oh like you would know," mewedFlower rolling her eyes "Your her daughter she probably never punished you or your sisters." "Oh and I supose you forgot so easliy the time I persuaded my sisters to go on a field trip to ThunderClan camp eh? When we were kits. You don't think I didn't get in trouble for that did you?" meowed Tigerheart "I'd forgotten that muttered Flower.