Rate the Excerpt Above You

SeaStar

SeaStar

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I believe there was a thread like this (I can't search because my computer insists that there are no results for anything) but oh well.:o Rate the excerpt above you from 1-10, or use the A+-F scale if you want. I'm posting from the laptop, which doesn't have my stories on it, so would someone like to volunteer to post the first excerpt?:)
 
(I don't remeber the exact wording of the scene :o but this is from my first book. Its when Dorthy and Toto are captured and being taken into the dungeons in Cogg's fortress, and one of my favorite lines from my books)

"We will always be free in ways that evil could never understand." said Toto under his breath.
 
A.

This scene is from a short story I wrote about a recently orphaned seventeen-year-old sent to live with his grandparents, who are too proud for anybody's good.

Coldness hissed from the air vent, and Wil suddenly remembered sitting with his father on a hill—a sweating August hill under burning-eyed stars. Too cold in this house. Wil looked at the drawer his grandmother had opened. That hill—a year from now I’ll be standin’ on that hill. College or no. And he suddenly knew what his grandmother’s reaction would be to that thought—utter disgust. She could never stand on a hill because she liked the hill. And since college meant money…
 
8, intriguing ;)

an excerpt from a story I'm currently working on

He should have gone to talk to her months ago when she first came. She needed a friend then when she was new to the theater but he figured she would get along with the rest of the dancers.

He should have known better.
 
6....

from my 3rd book;

Ribbony woke up to the sound of his sister screaming her head off.
Since his sister didn't usually scream he ran to her room and yelled at the door; "Ok whoever's in there I'm coming in in three seconds. 3.....2........1.......BONZA!!!!!"

(Or something along those lines :p)
 
8. Interesting! Makes you want to read more.

EDIT: Mozart evidently hit the post button a second before I did, so I'll comment on hers. It's funny! Especially when I visualize the tough little kitten saying the 'bonza!' part.:p
 
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9, exciting ;)

I was going through my old FF and found this chapter, I miss this story :D

Victoire ran down as the stands cleared out. She found Fred as the others were talking to the captain and the rest of the team. She shook her head, “Really Fred, you could have made those shots if you’d tried.”

“So could you, but you weren’t out there were you?”

She shook her head again but didn’t deny it. “Besides,” he added “I realized it would be more fun to wait until next year and try out for seeker. Then we can try to get you to try out again,” he grinned at her denial as the others walked up.

“Congratulations to all. Fred and I will enjoy watching you this year.” She said, trying to change the subject.

“And next year you’ll both be on as well.” Ben said confidently.

“Really, you’re all convinced I’ll be all ready to be on the team next year. Where did you get this idea?”

“Well if you haven’t convinced yourself by the end of the year that you really do want to be on the team Ben and I are going to storm your house and practice with you every spare minute” Ella said cheerfully.

“Not to mention Teddy and I have instant access to an invitation to your house at almost any time during the summer” Fred pointed out.

“And we’re happily convinced that your dad will be happy with this situation.” Teddy added, “Though your mum may not be as happy about us playing Quidditch over her garden.”

“She’ll adjust” said Fred “Besides, she wants you to become and international Quidditch player as much as any mother right?”

“Well I suppose I’ll have to get used to your nagging and hope you’ll give up by the end of the year.” Victoire maintained.

“Oh no, you’re not that stubborn.” Victoire rolled her eyes. “We’ll be just as patient and wait for you to give in.” Fred was unperturbed by her refusals, he was used to them. He changed the subject and they continued towards the castle in high spirits.
 
Hmm, 7, interesting.

[William's] short brown hair was neat, something Dante could not remember having experienced, and his stern eyes were as gray and unyielding as the sword he wore strapped to his back.

My favorite sentence I've ever written.:D (Although it's better if you know the characters.)
 
7, nice.:D

from my most recent Catlition update;

Bee walked over to the "wall of swords" as Ribbony had taken to calling it and took down five swords, one larger than the others.
Setting them down he instructed the kits, "Pick one."

Explorer chose first. He took a sword with a jewled handle and scabbard, the most odoranded one.
Creamy took one that had markings on the sheath and the sword blade, though other than that it was seemingly plain.
Ribbony took the one he had taken an intrest to the very first day he had seen it. It was out of its sheath now as it had been on the wall. It had a purple-gray gem on the pommel and a sharp point with words engraved on it which he could not understand.
Kit chose last. There was only the big sword and one small one left. He chose the last small one. It was completely plain, or so it seemed, without mark or jewel on it.
 
9. I like the sword descriptions:D and seeing which kitten picked which sword shows something about their characters.
 
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10


"I know when your wings are coming." he whispered in a thick scottish accent. She smiled warmly.
"When?" she whispered back,taking his hands in hers.
"....now." he replied in his sweet,small voice. He squeezed her hands. She wasn't afraid. But this was a bit sudden.
Suddenly she felt a painful feeling in the back. she fell to the ground on her knees and groaned,still squeezing his hands. He kneeled down in front of her,giving her a small smile of encouragement. Her eyes poured out tears of pain,but she still smiled back,her back growing two white sticks out of her back. This went on for a few minutes,then the pain stopped slowly. She stood up. As she reached behind her to touch them,a peculier feeling reached her fingers. Silky feathers.
"What color are they?" She asked breathlessly. He blushed and smiled.
"Same color as mine........" he whispered. ".......pale green."
 
10 billion, I don't have much to post but I just had to rate that :D

Meanwhile Mithra and Hazelle ran deeper into the forest where the trees were more tangled and less light came through the leaves. The leaves themselves were a much darker shade of green, almost black in places. This part of the forest had been uninhabitable even by elves or fairies when they came but Bria and Adia had helped to make it safer. Still on stormier days it wasn’t safe for anyone but the two fairy dragons to go into the deep parts of the forest.

The sprites were not hindered by the thicker trees since they could just pass through them but still a sense of foreboding followed them whenever they went this deep into the woods. They hung closer together and hoped they would find Adia or Bria quickly.
 
lol, 7, odd but rather cool.:D

From my book The Tale of Mozart the Meerkitten;

Midnight wandered through the forest. Behind him walked his loyal sister Flower. The two had followed Catlition for many days…. At first Catlition had been easy to follow, but when Ribbony and his gang (as they have been called) entered Wolf Woods they had become more elusive and harder to follow. Consequently Midnight and Flower had lost Catlition the second day into Wolf Woods. Now the two youngsters were hopelessly lost.
“Mid,” spoke up Flower, “I really, really think we’re lost.” She said for the umpteenth time.
“We aren’t lost!” Midnight spoke with a bravery he didn’t really feel, but he didn’t want to frighten his sister.
“Face it Mid, we’re lost and that’s all there is to it!”
“I’m not lost!”
****
“Toto we’re lost!” said Dorthy
“How do you know we are?” asked Toto
“Because we’re going in circles, I’ve seen this tree five times now!” she exclaimed
“Well ok, we just lost our direction, we aren’t really lost.”
“Denial.” stated Dorthy
“Am not!”
“Are too!”
“Not!”
“Are!”
“Fine you win, I’m not in denial though.” Said Toto a bit crossly.
“Denial.” Whispered Dorthy
“Ugh, ugh, ugh!” Toto hit his head on his paw.
Dorthy giggled.
 
lol, 7


From Catlition;

Ribbony wandered the streets of Vengo aimlessly. He was restless, bored and lonely.
Then out of the corner of his eye he saw it.
It was a young completely white kitten. It seemed to have blue eyes but Ribbony could never afterward tell exactly what they looked like. “As beautiful as a summers sunset but as terrible and dangerous as the ocean.” He would say about them.
The kitten was about his age and had a happy playful but also solemn and grave mood about him. ‘Not at all like most kits,’ thought Ribbony, ‘I wonder if he’d like someone to play with too?’ so Ribbony walked slowly up to the kitten.
As he got closer Ribbony saw that the kitten was playing with a ball; batting it around with his paws and tossing it into the air. But whenever he tossed it there was no one there to catch it so he always ran after it diligently and caught it himself.
'Wonder why nobody's playing with him?' Ribbony had always seen kittens play with each other, not all alone like this one was.

The kitten swiped at the ball and it rolled in Ribbony's direction. Ribbony kicked it back to him. The kitten trotted up to him.
“Hi.” Said Ribbony hesitantly.
“Hi!" came the kit’s happy reply.
"Em, you want somebody to play with you?"
"Sure!" said the kitten, "Stand over there and I'll toss the ball to you." he pointed his little white paw to the spot.
"Ok." Ribbony went over and stood in the spot. The kitten tossed him the ball, he caught it easily and threw it back. Pretty soon the two were laughing and playing as kittens do. They even started to tussle which left them in a laughing heap upon the stone sidewalk they were playing on.

Then suddenly a young she cat poked her head out of the doorway of one of the nearby houses. Her pretty brown eyes widened when she saw the two playing.
"Kit! KIIIIIT! Get over here!" she yowled.
The kitten jumped up and ran over to her.
"Yes mama, what is it?"
"I don't want you playing with other kits! I don't think its safe! Who gave you permission to be outside of the yard anyway?"
"Father did." replied the little cat, "And I'm sorry mama, I didn't know you'd be angry and didn't want me to play with the other kits, you never told me not to..."
"I suppose then you've done nothing wrong, but I don't want you to get hurt, and you know why..."
"Yes mama." the kit's ears dropped and he turned to Ribbony and said, "I'm sorry, I can't play with you anymore, mama says not to so I musn't."
"Well, here I'll give you your ball back at least..." began Ribbony.
"No, no, keep it." said the she cat.
"Well why can't we play?" asked Ribbony, "Or why can't I at least give him back the ball. I didn't mean any harm, I was just lonely 'cause its not like I got anybody to play with; and I just moved here with my siblins. I live right down there," he pointed to Bee's house, "So y'can come over sometime iffin you're aloud." he added to the kitten.

The she cat seemed to relax a little.
"So you live with Bee and Minna? Well then I suppose if you're careful you two can play... but don't be meetin' any other kits, got it, Kit?"
"What about my siblings? He can meet them right?" asked Ribbony.
"Alright." said the she cat grudgingly, "But whatever you two do have Kit home before sunset, or else I'll worry."
"I'll be home, mama, I'll make sure I am!" the kitten said, "C'mon I'll show you around since you're new here." he said to Ribbony, and the two trotted off.
 
8, its interesting. very interesting. makes me want to read this story.


from a story I'm writing based on my childhood imaginings;

There was silence for a couple moments, then a great and terrible shrieking howl erupted from the forest and there was silence no longer. Leaves bowed before the great wind kicked up by the creatures that ran past. They were great, tall, hairy beasts with long wicked teeth which stuck out of their mouths, making them look as if they had fangs. They had ears bigger than your hand and paws at least five inches long. They were many colors; some had black fur or brown or gray or even red, but none were white.
These were the great evil wolves of the forest. They roamed the woodlands looking for defenseless creatures to devour.

Carrissa shuddered and held back a scream as they ran past her hiding place. She hated wolves and instead of thinking this was a dream she decided it was a nightmare… a nightmare which she very much wanted to wake up from.
But Carrissa didn’t wake up. The wolves stopped in the clearing, looked around and then one much larger than the rest who was pure black came forward and howled, “We know you are there cat! Do not try to hide from us!”

No response came.
“Very well,” said the wolf leader, “But we will find you wherever you are, cat!” then the wolf pack ran back into the woods, leaving behind a very frightened Carrissa and a seemingly deserted clearing.
 
A. Those wolves sound nasty. Poor Carrissa! Is she the feline version of you?

I know my excerpts are a bit lengthy, but it's difficult to find good cutoff sentences to begin/end them with.:o This random one is from some crazy semi-Victorian semi-fantasy thingamajig. It's kind of weird.:rolleyes: Even by my standards.

------
 
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6.5, that was......odd......

and Carrissa of my Catland stories (aka childhood imaginings) is not a cat but me as a young girl who goes on wild adventures.

this is also from my Catland story;

“T-they g-gone?” a small, soft voice said. A little kitten, no more than three months stepped out into the clearing. He was the one who had warned Carrissa of the wolves.
“I-I think they’re gone.” She said. The kitten jumped and turned to stare at her. Carrissa stared back. And well she should stare; for he was not at all a normal kitten. He had purple-ish gray fur and kind purple eyes. His nose was gray-purple like the rest of him and though he was small he held a dignified air about him.
“Who- what are you?” asked the kitten.
“Why I’m a girl! And I could ask you the same thing. So what are you?”
“Well I’m a kitten, Carrissa Kitten to be exact, that’s my name y’see.” He said.
“Oh, Carrissa is my name too.” Said she rather faintly.
“Wow, what a quinky-dink.” The kitten replied, “Well for the moment call me Kitten so’s we don’t get too confused.”
“O-kay.” Said Carrissa still feeling bewildered, “What were those bad wolves doing?” she asked with a shudder.
“They were looking for me. They like cats you know.” He said sarcastically.
Carrissa shuddered again, “Let’s not talk about them anymore.” She said.
“Ok, so, um, I’ve never seen anything like you before…”
“What don’t they have girls where you come from?”
“Well we have girls… but they’re she kittens, not like you… You’re not human are you?”
“Of course I’m human!”
Kitten’s eyes widened.
“Mama tole me to be careful around humans… if I ever saw one that was. Humans are very rare around here you know. So where do you come from?”
Startled Carrissa replied, “Humans aren’t rare, they’re all over! My parents are humans, my friends are humans! You’re the only creature that I’ve ever met that isn’t a human that can speak!”
“Well you’re the only creature I’ve ever met that can speak and yet doesn’t have fur!” retorted the kitten.
Carrissa stuck her tongue out at him, “I come from Ohio.” She said.
“Oh-hi-o?” asked Kitten.
“Yea, ever heard of it?”
“No, but…”
Just then they heard an ominous howl nearby.
“They’re coming back I bet.” Carrissa Kitten said, “We otta get outta here.”
“Uh-uh-huh.” Carrissa shivered.
“Come on human, we’ll stay at my home.” Said he.
“My name is Carrissa.” The girl corrected him.
“Yea, yea.” Muttered Kitten.
Kitten took her (to Carrissa’s horror) into the woods. He led her along the pathless forest to a large tree which he proceeded to climb. She tried her best to follow but Kitten had to pretty much drag Carrissa up into the tree because lower branches were so few.
When she reached the canopy Carrissa beheld a world of the forest rarely seen by human or animal; where it was too thick for birds of prey but too high for a wolf to climb. It was perfect for a hiding spot and completely understandable why Kitten had chosen it to hide in.
“Welcome to my home.” He said cheerfully.
 
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