Spacebullies Two: The Search For More Parody

CHANGE OF SCENE

Master Drool, the Mintcandybarri-born Keeper of the Great Artifact on Planet Upsydaisylon, had indeed renounced his former apathy. He had actually given A WEEK'S ADVANCE NOTICE to Captain Elizabeth Broccoli about a possibly hostile alien fleet close to embarking, possibly toward Bubblewrap Five. He had further disclosed that electronic emissions from the unknown warships were similar to the emissions of the smaller ship which had brought Noherra Synthmusica and the young Toofah-Roffian Gross-Goo to the diplomatic space station.

Noherra, Gross-Goo and Snack Salad had quickly boarded a station shuttle and hurried down to Drool's headquarters. When the plugged-in universe-watcher showed them visuals of the ships in question, parked in orbit around their home planet, Noherra had gone pale (which in her case meant chartreuse). "Those are space destroyers of the Empire of Evil Badness! And that planet is Chisskurd, the strongest remaining home base of down-siders since the death of Emperor Porkandbeen. They can't be up to anything good."

Snack asked Drool, "Can you pick out any important individuals?" This was the policeman in him talking, but it was a relevant question. Drool called up an interior view of one of the ships. In what seemed an onboard conference room or wardroom, blue-skinned uniformed officers were talking with a human-looking woman who was tall, wildly beautiful-- and wearing a down-side Fuss ring.

"That is the villainess called Sweetslayer!" Noherra exclaimed.

Peering at the image, Gross-Goo remarked, "Moose Windchime spoke of her to me, while we were on Toofah-Roff. She's tough in The Fuss. Master Moose or Great-great-great-uncle Yoga-Rug would be able to defeat her easily. Mopey-One Kanoli, Nonsmoka Tiptoe or Plow Korn would PROBABLY defeat her; and Groan Starr, Zubdookree or Cousin Bestbaya MIGHT defeat her. But anyone else would be in trouble. I wouldn't want to face her while my power still is unrefined."

"Then we can proceed on the assumption that any fleet Sweetslayer's with is a serious threat to everybody decent," concluded Security Chief Salad.

"Which makes the upgrade effort extra-urgent," said Noherra.

The greenly-beautiful Tryyurluck space captain was referring to a crucial difference between ships in her own let's-parody-Star-Wars-by-way-of-Spaceballs sub-reality, and ships in the grittier spoofing-Babylon-Five sub-reality. The latter category of spacecraft, EVEN the most super-duper-belonging-to-godlike-super-aliens ship types, depended for their survival on the enhanced strength and resistance of their physical hulls. Which meant reactive, reflective, and self-repairing armor. None of them possessed any counterpart to Star-Trekkish deflector shields that were projected far out from the physical ship. (The same thing applied to starships in the "Federal Earth" sub-reality, with which Bubblewrap Five currently had no contact.)

Scientists of the Goldarns, the Snitsnobbies, and of course the Mintcandybarri, had lately joined in the development effort to give their own ships the added protection of stand-off energy screens in battle. This effort had just acquired greater urgency.
 
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Corin Webber, the former fighter pilot who now controlled the last Shadything warship, had meant it when he told Bruce Loxbagel that he wouldn't be far away. He picked up enough transmissions to and from his former home to decide that he was needed.

So he sent out a wide-cast alert that he was coming. In substance: Don't be scared, don't shoot at me, the actual Shadythings are gone forever, I'm human, I control this ship, I'm coming to help.

Drool picked up Corin's message, and broadcast his own assurances to friendly races. The reader may assume that all went well, there was no panic, and soon Corin was in orbit around Upsydaisylon. Lieutenant-Commander Josh Cordwood, executive officer of Bubblewrap Five, was allowed on board the spidery ship with several technicians. Corin would facilitate their communication with people on the station and on the planet. Thus Corin's own ship, although already almost indestructible, would be among those adopting any defensive improvement that was achieved.

As a side effect of this procedure, various Earthlyforce personnel who remembered Lieutenant Webber now messaged him, telling him they were glad he was alive.
 
One of the member worlds in the Bubblewrap Five alliance was Braykpeddul. The Braykpedduli people were fairly human-like. Their biggest difference from Earthlings was that, enjoying superb night vision, they preferred to be active at night. They also preferred, where possible, to let their interstellar commerce be protected by friendly races with whom they traded, so they didn't have to spend money enlarging their own modest armed forces.

A wealthy Braykpedduli woman named Yessa Fashoor, deemed gorgeous by her world's beauty standards, and tolerable to human eyes, was her world's ambassador to Bubblewrap Five. Before attaining ambassadorial status, Yessa's life had once been saved in a shipwreck situation by the crew of an Earth ship which responded to her distress call. The ship's engineer of the human vessel, a husky black man called Woodrow Ackerman, had been badly injured in the course of rescuing her, and had emerged from surgery with a large vertical scar traversing the middle of his face from hairline to chin. Woodrow's lovely-looking but shallow fiancee had callously discarded him when she saw his changed face on a com screen; but he was soon to be compensated in a most unexpected manner.

Yessa had haunted the hospital where her brave rescuer was operated on, until she knew he was out of danger. When she learned how the fiancee had abandoned Woodrow just when he needed her, the Braykpedduli lady had been furiously indignant on her hero's behalf. She had kept right ON being indignant on his behalf.....had kept on sympathizing with his grief..... had kept on doing anything she could to make his stay in a nonhuman hospital easier..... had endlessly praised his selfless bravery..... and had been absolutely ecstatic when Woodrow clasped her hand and said that getting to know her was enough reward for him.

The Braykpedduli had no law against mutually consenting marriages with anatomically-similar and biochemically-compatible sapient bipeds. If anything, they regarded such marriages as potentially facilitating good business agreements with other planets. Clearing the way all the more in this case, Yessa's parents were equally grateful to Woodrow for saving their daughter, and were all for the marriage. As a wedding gift to Yessa's groom, they made him the owner-captain of a high-speed cargo starship fresh from their company's orbital construction dock. Woodrow appropriately named it the Queen Yessa. Back on the Earth-colonized planet where Woodrow had grown up, his faithless ex-fiancee was doomed to kick herself ever afterward, for missing her chance with a true-hearted man who was now rich and popular besides.

Yessa having gotten married for love to a human gave her the winning edge to be chosen as Braykpeddul's first permanent ambassador to Bubblewrap Five. But she loved Woodrow too much to ask him to be a mere ornament to her diplomatic successes. Three-quarters of his time was taken up with sailing the Queen Yessa between Braykpeddul and assorted galactic markets. But this did not separate them as much as might be expected-- because ambassadors to Bubblewrap Five were allowed to have assistants, and were not required never to leave the station. Yessa Fashoor-Ackerman was often able to accompany her beloved on his trips, which could even be made to double as diplomatic missions to the planets where he sold and bought things.

These facts had prevented Noherra Synthmusica from seeing much of Yessa, and the Tryyurluck war veteran had not gotten around to thinking of the Fashoor-Ackerman marriage as a guide for her own relationship with Snack Salad.

But around the time when Corin Webber brought his symbiotic ship home to Bubblewrap Five to help defend against the possible attack, Woodrow Ackerman was away on another commercial voyage..... and Ambassador Fashoor-Ackerman was on station. The stars had aligned, and Yessa invited Noherra to her ambassadorial quarters for a just-us-ladies luncheon.
 
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"Thank you for coming, Captain Synthmusica. I've attended, or viewed remotely, your talks to the Bubblewrap Council; and I've relayed all non-restricted information to my planet, as well as to Captain Ackerman's birth colony. But you and I have had no chance to share with each other our thoughts about what Woodrow would call 'the elephant in the room'."

Noherra's head-tails gently stirred. "Excuse me, what is an elephant? A piece of furniture?"

"It is the largest kind of land-walking animal on Earth. Its bulk produced the idiom of something too large to ignore if placed inside a confined area. Thus, a term for the obvious. On my world, we would say 'the hill-thumper in the room'."

"I get it. You are married to a human man, and it does appear that everyone BUT Chief Salad knows how I feel about Chief Salad."

Yessa smiled even more warmly than she had when her guest entered the apartment. "Right up front, I for my part have NO regrets for marrying Woodrow. He still is my hero. And we're still young enough that we can take our time searching for the best genetic-adjustment specialists to enable fully-successful procreation."

"Are there other Earthling-Braykpedduli marriages?"

"There are, although the four such couples with whom I'm personally acquainted are all Braykpedduli men with Earthling women. But let's talk about you. I agree with you that Snack Salad is too modest and humble to believe that an exotic woman would fall for him. But without ever hearing him say verbatim 'I am in love with Captain Synthmusica,' I know that he often talks about you to his friends, and always in tones of the highest admiration."

"So you think I have a chance with him?"

"To use another Earth expression, you'll win in a walk. So, straight to the practicalities. My marriage to Woodrow is winked at, because he is not any kind of Earth-government official. Not that similar issues ever stopped Deelyte and Bruce. But maybe if the Earth Alliance, or the larger Bubblewrap Coalition, wanted to send an ambassador to your own Republic of Lots of Worlds, Chief Salad could be that ambassador, or else be the ambassador's military consultant......"

The trailing-off dots in Yessa's last line of dialogue left Noherra soaring with heightened anticipation for the future. She already knew that Klayman would approve of Snack, but it was good to hear another woman encouraging her in this desire.
 
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PUNKSTEEMA: Silas Larkburg, the Tablanorian church pastor with spiritual-warfare experience, received a telegram in Guvaro's Crossing from Saint Kung-Sar Free Church. Two of the ghouls-or-whatever-they-were had tried to break into the church building, had been unable to do so, and had been slain by a hail of silver bullets from church members. It was both encouraging and informative to know that silver weapons could kill the monsters; but the fact that the undead beings had even tried to attack Silas' community compelled the pastor of Saint Kung-Sar to return home and maintain the defense. His followers did likewise, except for Pierre the fire-stoker, whose wide acquaintance among railroad workers remained useful to the investigation. Ronald was not affronted by the departures, and sent back word that he would soon retrieve D'Kovo and Otto. Also a request for Captain Rothermill to send any new information he might have.

Ronald, Lester and Pierre would not leave the train-stop town just outside Felruda before they and Railway Detective Torin Pell had collected more intelligence about undead activity along or near the railroads. Since Tablanor and Felruda were at peace, Pierre, who could speak Felrudean, was getting numerous opportunities to converse with southward-bound Felrudean travelers.

Lester Grath could also speak Felrudean. But unlike Pierre, he had slain Felrudeans in the war. Felruda had started that war; but of course, trifles like this never stop emotion-driven people from savoring resentment. Young Pierre, by contrast, had never been a soldier, and had been up in the other country several times as part of a locomotive crew.

The first remarkable piece of news that Pierre collected from a traveler did not concern Felruda directly. It concerned a country not bordering on Tablanor. The kingdom of Bavrid, adjoining Felruda on the northwest, was home to a people related to the Loi-Hukshem and the Loi-Kikoro. This kingdom was all rugged mountains. No railways or telephones existed there, but the Loi-Bavrid had adopted the telegraph as soon as they learned of its existence.

It was no secret that, since ground travel was challenging in Bavrid, the Loi-Bavrid had hired outside specialists to help them build airships. But what Pierre gleaned which was new to his party, new even to Detective Pell, was the report that undead beings were now being sighted in the mountain kingdom.
 
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Two days after Silas Larkburg headed for home, Torin Pell relayed to Ronald's party a piece of news he had just heard by telephone. A large band of men, armed but not hostile, had shown up on Captain Rothermill's estate, inquiring after the Towerman. These men were from the coastal country next east from Tablanor, called Vodranor, The Vodranorians, long friendly to Tablanor, had produced many Smoke Maidens in past generations, and back in medieval times had produced several Towermen. Word had reached them that the last of Sir Edgar's order was in Tablanor, and they wanted him to come to their land when he could, so as to train Vodranorian youths.

The leader of these visitors was an old sailor named Ilya Gorbuno, who knew Captain Rothermill personally. Ilya and his companions were well fixed for money (Tablanor and Vodranor accepted each other's currency routinely), and were equipped both for hard travel and for self-defense. They had been attacked enroute by what seemed to have been one of the mysterious liches, and had slain it with flame. Upon Captain Rothermill telling them what he knew about Ronald's doings, the newcomers were offering to convoy D'Kovo Pril and Otto Kergoff to rejoin Ronald.

Once Ronald had been told all of this, he asked Lester Grath, "Have you had many dealings with Vodranorians?"

"I have. Most of them are solid Christians, but understand the limits of cheek-turning. When they go to sea, they're always ready to deal with pirates; and by their account, they know what's afoot in Tablanor. I reckon that they'll bring the lads up here safely."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

During an intervening day while the new allies and the apprentices were coming by train, Ronald and Lester went ghoul-hunting..... and found a surprise. Alerted by fleeing shepherds, they came upon what seemed to be one of the undead ones. It was a man with ash-gray skin, whose eyes did not seem to see anything yet who didn't stumble over anything. But unlike all of the reported walking dead, this one spoke.

"Don't-- kill me. I-- have not-- harmed-- anyone. I don't-- know-- what changed-- me. Please-- help me. I am-- still human."

Lester, who could speak Felrudean, hastily translated while keeping his eyes on the stranger.

"Tell him we believe him!" the gunslinger-knight hissed in Tablanorian. In Felrudean, Lester did so, and further told the gray man: "None of the reported monsters have spoken. Come with us. Do not touch us or anyone else. I say this, not because we believe you intend harm, but because it may be that your touch can infect people." Ronald didn't intrude further in the dialogue, but waited and trusted Lester to handle this, and to translate when he had time.

"I-- understand, and will-- do as you say."

Lester asked the stranger: "Do you still eat and drink like a human being?"

The semi-ghoul paused before answering: "I can't-- remember."

Lester produced a canteen (one of two that he carried) and a packet of bison jerky, then set them atop a nearby tree stump. "Take these, and try them. Don't give them back to me even if you seem unable to consume them." This gave Lester a moment to interpret for Ronald; this went easily, because the sense of the interaction was not hard to guess.

The gray man, who could not recall his own name, proved able to eat and drink. He showed no sign of being cheered up by this success, but Ronald and Lester were cheered up.
 
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When Lester and Ronald, with the amnesiac stranger in tow, rejoined Torin and Pierre, the latter were hopeful that this encounter would lead to what Torin called "a break in the case."

It had never been a secret that the detective, recently joined by a famous adventurer from the southern continent, had been questioning both Tablanorians and Felrudeans about the undead manifestations. But now that the situation had gained a startling new complication, mere passive non-secrecy was not enough. Torin, Ronald, Lester and Pierre all agreed that they needed to be seen actively including Felrudean authorities. The situation had become so serious that Copperfox, writing the story, decided he needed to correct an omission: he had not given the young workman Pierre a last name. So it was that Pierre DURAND was included in discussions.

While waiting for the Vodranorians and Ronald's apprentices to arrive on the Felrudean side of the border, Torin introduced his friends to a VERY official personage from the Felrudean capital of Prethlonstead. ("Prethlon" was the name of an oak-like tree species unique to Felruda; many buildings in the capital were built from this hardwood.)

General William Seldunin, the only man in Felruda currently bearing the title of "General," had fought honorably in the war with Tablanor, but had not been in charge then. Seldunin had been on record as arguing that the border dispute with Tablanor could have been settled without bloodshed; but when it became his duty to fight the Tablanorians, he had faithfully obeyed orders. He had in fact proven to be the only Felrudean commander (after the successful Felrudean sneak attack which had gotten the war going) who could win battles against the Tablanorians: winning five times against losing three times. But Seldunin's last failure had been his country's last failure, partly a matter of sheer numerical advantage on Tablanor's part. When peace talks were tried, the Tablanorian side had surprised its beaten foes, not only by not demanding devastating reparations, but by recommending that Seldunin be made commander-in-chief of the Felrudean armed forces.

William Seldunin had fought fiercely enough against the very men suddenly praising him, that no one on his own side made the mistake of believing him disloyal to his country. The Tablanorians were willing to have their most effective adversary elevated to the top of his hierarchy, in return for knowing that a man of proven decency and integrity would be across the table from them in any future negotiations. And since all the common people in Felruda respected Seldunin highly, the Tablanorian suggestion had gone far to reduce any remaining animosity toward Tablanor among those Felrudean citizens. That this goodwill still prevailed was evidenced by the fact that no Felrudeans meeting the Tablanorian veteran Lester Prath were hostile toward him.

In the early stages of approaching the government, Pierre took up the responsibility of telling Ronald what was said. The five companions (including the unfortunate semi-ghoul, though he was closely guarded) were ushered into the garrison fort where the General would receive them, they were first met by a middle-aged Loi-Bavrid sorceress named Rizlaya Tohir, who was sworn to the General's service because he had saved her life many years ago (in circumstances having nothing to do with anyone or anything Tablanorian). The magic-user cast a truth-divining spell over the visitors, and not only pronounced the visitors to be well-intentioned, but revealed the existence of Ronald's new gift without his having told her.

The sorceress' broad vocabulary here went beyond Pierre's ability to interpret; accordingly, Torin and Lester began taking turns explaining phrases to the Towerman.

"My Lord General," Rizlaya told Seldunin, "this restorer of the gunslingers' fellowship has a blessing from good spirits upon him: whenever he speaks truth, all who hear him will KNOW it to be true. I sense further details of this gift which he himself has been unsure about. First, if a language barrier prevents his hearers from understanding his words, the hearers will at least be aware that he does not intend to deceive them. Second, if he mistakenly speaks a falsehood which he sincerely believes to be true, his hearers will know it to be untrue, but will also realize that he honestly believes it. Third--" and here she looked straight at the gunslinger; "--he is NOT guaranteed any success if he tries to use this gift as a guessing device, trying different possible statements to find out which IS true. There has to be a limit, Sir Ronald."

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Suddenly, Rizlaya did something Ronald himself had previously done: unnoticed by other characters (think of this as a freeze-frame), she "broke the fourth wall" and looked right out of the story at the author.

"Speaking of limits, Copperfox: isn't all this a rather BIG helping of plotline exposition to be force-feeding to your readers? How are they going to keep up with it?"

Copperfox told her, "Call it a style choice. Many will say that I'm violating the 'Show, Don't Tell' rule; but fantasy stories by their very nature HAVE TO furnish more exposition than is needed if the story all takes place in the already-familiar mundane world. Moreover, the Mel Brooks movie which is the springboard for this Dancing Lawn serial made references to movies besides the Star Wars movies. AND..... if I'm going to show what's happening to the art of storytelling in modern times, I judge it best to draw upon MANY franchises. Philip Jose Farmer did something similar in his novels: made his versions of Tarzan, Doc Savage and other heroes all part of one parody-verse. Hey, I think I just coined a neologism: 'parodyverse.' I like that!"

Rizlaya folded her arms. "Well, better make sure always to type it as one word, or they'll think you just mean satirical poetry. Meanwhile, if you're going to force your audience to continue spinning a dozen plates with you, it's already time for another catch-up summary. "

"You mean right now, before Sir Ronald even has his interview with General Seldunin?"

"Yes, Copperfox! You've just now hit the readers with another dumptruck load of new story-facts. You don't want them getting disoriented. Put your new summary where they can go back and refer to it AFTER the General's interview scene, if they so prefer. And with me being in the scene, you might want to insert a reminder that you DON'T endorse occultism on Original Earth; you're just imagining AsaLion permitting it in a universe of stories."

"No worries, Rizlaya, you just provided the reminder yourself."
 
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^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ REVIEW OF RELATIONSHIPS: friendship, love, teamwork, mercy, exploitation or hate
------ starting with worlds which ARE closely based on the actual Earth.

"Seedubb," the first parallel Earth to be depicted in my serial, is where I first depicted a version of Harley Quinn being converted to the side of good. Note that this DOES NOT mean she was allowed to be CALLED "good" while continuing to be as destructive and selfish as ever. No glamourizing of criminals here. I'm saying that, partly because of generous mercy shown to her by the Bat-Family, she became genuinely SORRY for having been destructive and selfish. Becoming ACTUALLY good, this "Harley" fell desperately in love with my version of, yes, Alfred the Butler. Understanding that her contrition was genuine, the butler leaped at the chance to marry a Harley who was now totally determined to practice true love, loyalty, and all other virtues.

The redemptive Bat-influence also availed for "Maskoflage," one of my counterparts of the Face Dancers in the Dune books. But others of his type, still at large on Seedubb, have used their talents to gain influence with "local" villains, including my version of Reverse Flash.

Versions of Lex Luthor and Red Skull are hiding out in the Communist China of Seedubb, whose rulers are eager to equip their army with futuristic technology. Red Skull is getting friendly with Chinese women, while Lex Luthor keeps on callously ignoring his female bodyguard's love for him.

Among my versions of the Teen Titans, my Starfire had long been afraid to be close to anybody, lest her way-over-powerful abilities accidentally annihilate them. But now that she has this issue under control, she looks like getting together with my version of Robin. Meanwhile, my version of Beast Boy is engaged to marry the fish-princess from "Aquaman," because he is able actually to BECOME a member of her species.

My version of Doctor Strange has a score to settle with my version of Reverse Flash, ever since the villain outsmarted the sorceror and put him in a hospital.

My other version of a converted Harley Quinn, and my one version of Poison Ivy, are seen on the Earth-variant called "Terra." Here, the now-good Harley Quinn equivalent marries Winter Soldier, while the now-good Poison Ivy equivalent marries The Falcon.

"Terra" is also home to a version of Shazam, whom I call Sha-Na-Na. Back before Shazam lost the copyright on the name "Captain Marvel," his alter-ego Billy Batson ACTUALLY WAS A GOOD BOY, not the annoying and selfish thief that Warner Brothers imagined would be an improvement. So I have portrayed "Willy Bastion" as a good boy; but since half the point of my whole serial is to push back against the downgrading of heroes, I showed villains CAUSING the boy hero temporarily to become the worthless brat from the stupid movie. "Sha-Na-Na" thus was nothing but a burden and a liability to the side of good, until he was cured.

I have a version of Matt Murdock, seeking in his lawyer capacity to bring down the crooked career of my version of Amanda Waller. Also present on "Terra" are my versions of The Blackhawks, operating currently in Africa and collaborating with African heroes.

"Urth" is majorly loaded with relationship stuff, much of it involving my version of the Justice League, and arising from my takeoff on the animated show's battle between the League and the forces of Apokalips, when villains joined forces with the League out of self-preservation. This animated story featured evildoers Atomic Skull, Star Sapphire and Silver Banshee; and in my version, these three all get converted to goodness right after the victory against "Twerpseid."

My version of Star Sapphire gets married to my version of Shining Knight. My version of Silver Banshee later marries a good guy entirely of my own invention, a Russian hero called Tapper Cossack. My version of Atomic Skull cannot realistically marry anyone as he is; but his being welcomed into League membership is a Christmas Carol sort of thing, like the redeemed Scrooge finding that he ENJOYS being nice to people. My "Atomic Scalp" finds many opportunities to do good, and at least has the satisfaction of being widely liked and admired instead of being feared and hated.

Since three of their strongest fellows joined the other team, villains in the Western Hemisphere (including my versions of Solomon Grundy and Mirror Master) decided to change their headquarters to the Eastern Hemisphere. There they have established mutual support with several Asian super-villains of my own invention.

Among abundant metahumans on Urth, one hero with NO special powers provides an especially well-rounded picture of good human interactions: Greg Sutter, based on the early nice-guy version of DC's Vigilante. Greg, a retired rodeo star, operates a therapy ranch, where abused children and abused animals enjoy simultaneous and interconnected healing. He is universally loved by everyone on the side of good, but has known much heartbreak. Two women he loved both died in accidents, and then a third woman left him frivolously just because he had no super-powers. This third woman, Ruby Spruce, is again all of my own inventing; in a time when there is endless talk about "toxic masculinity," Ruby represents the real-world fact (not opinion) that too many women fail to recognize an excellent, worthy man when he's right there available to them.

But since I love happy endings, when Ruby turns up in Greg's life again, wanting another chance, my version of Professor X reads her mind, and assures Greg that she REALLY is ashamed of herself for leaving him, and REALLY will do anything to make it up to him. So Greg, who never stopped loving her, forgives her and takes her back.

And before any girl-power types complain about a woman being shown as in the wrong with a man, I pre-emptively point out that in my fiction, MEN who do wrong often get KILLED in punishment, not merely required to confess and ask forgiveness.

"Urth," more than my other Earth-variants, emphasizes large, organized groups. I have, however, created two lone-wolf heroes who, like the classic Batman, operate in the shadows. These are a version of Green Hornet, and a version of the revolutionary hero from "V For Vendetta."

One Earth-variant which has no distinguishing name of its own, is distinguished by having MOSTLY Asian-style heroes. Among these are my versions of the "Sailor Moon" characters; and I indulge my strong favoritism for Sailor Pluto. It is she, in my narrative, who is the brains of the whole outfit, and is the most ready to have dealings with heroes from other worlds. She is acquainted with my version of Master Yoda, and she facilitates my version of Mandolorian Din Djarin coming to live on this Earth.

On this Earth-variant, when Chinese pro-democracy demonstrators gathered in Tienanmen Square, the Chinese Army JOINED them instead of killing them wholesale. So, on this Earth, good guys are openly supported and helped by the Beijing government. After immigrating to this world, my Mandalorian falls in love with and marries a Chinese woman who is blind, enabling him to leave his helmet off when they're together in private.

When the heroes of this Earth learn of the existence of my version of the "He-Man" cast, they decide to form an alliance with them.

Another "nameless" Earth has only one superhero: a Green Lantern type based on DC's Jon Stewart. But it also enjoys the presence of my version of Dick Tracy, who is valuable for his wisdom and integrity. The friendship between the veteran detective and the spacefaring hero is like the Batman-Superman friendship at its best.

"Trace Dickey" faces his greatest test while "Green Flashlight John Stewmeat" is doing his duty elsewhere in the galaxy. The place where John goes to fight evil is the NEXT Earth-variant I'll describe after this.

A version of the Star Sapphire Corps, having no connection with my Star Sapphire type on "Urth." invites itself to visit Trace Dickey's Earth in large numbers and "improve" things. Their idea of improvement is to disregard all existing authority structures, be these good or bad, and overrule all established laws or customs in favor of what THEY describe as "love." In practice, this means indulging and enabling whoever is the most recklessly emotional. Anarchy ensues, and the "Heart Sapphires" do hardly anything to restrain it. Detective Captain Dickey is powerless to confront the beautiful intruders with force, but tries to talk sense to them-- when he isn't busy saving lives amid the chaos in his hometown.

Trace's wife Bess, just by being female, is able to get a hearing from the meddling aliens. With her husband wishing her success, Bess tries a daring tactic: asking to BECOME a Heart Sapphire herself, in the hope that she will then be able to influence the aliens in the direction of sanity.

 
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>>>>> CONTINUING THE PREVIOUS---

The Earth-variant where John Stewmeat goes, also receives the aid of three more Green Flashlights-- and needs it. "Earth-Whichever," as I informally dubbed it, becomes the latest target for invasion by my version of Darkseid.

At the outset, Earth-Whichever has only a few exceptional heroes: a version of the pulp-novel hero Doc Savage, versions of Iron Man and War Machine who have only lately gotten started, a super-samurai called Lone Monkey, a Native Australian good-wizard type called Dreamtime Chieftain, a version of the dog hero Rin Tin Tin, and what amounts to half of the Fantastic Four. In this reality, versions of Reed Richards and Ben Grimm were killed in the fateful space flight, but my versions of the Storm siblings survived to acquire super-powers. Only, here the sister has the flame powers, while the brother has the invisibility and energy-shield powers. The two siblings quickly start practicing how to use their powers in teamwork.

Aslan provides Earth-Whichever with additional heroes to defeat the threat of Twerpseid. Among these are two women who provide much of the relationship material in this plot arc. One, Erica Vincent, is a female counterpart of Brandon Lee's undead-on-the-side-of-good hero in "The Crow." Allowed to return to the mortal world for a time after she was murdered, Erica uses her supernatural power in order to defend her Earth, and to protect her grieving husband so he can live on to fulfill his destiny after she returns to the afterlife. The other, a version of She-Hulk, not only uses her super-strength to help defeat Twerpseid, but also uses her kindly, affectionate nature to improve the lives of other female characters who are strangers to love and friendship. When the tables are turned against Twerpseid and HIS world gets conquered by the good guys, "She-Hunk" is involved in promoting the same love and kindness among the liberated people of "Planet Awkwardlisp." What's more, she gets engaged to my version of Johnny Storm.

Another mutually-supportive male-female pair in this plot arc is a married couple, Master Kam and Mistress Bao, who are both kung-fu champions. In the defense of Earth-Whichever, they do well at combining the advantages of their differing kung-fu styles. Unfortunately, the China where Kam and Bao live resembles the Communist China of today's real world, with rulers who consider themselves better than everyone else everywhere. Consequently, Kam and Bao are forbidden by their government to get friendly with the non-Communist heroes.

Not so restricted are two more Asian superheroes made up by me. Golden Rakshasa is a Hindu woman of high social caste, and Flying Elephant (not a literal description of his appearance) is a young Hindu man of low caste. Though never getting romantically involved with each other, they do break the social barrier to become friends in the course of saving India.

And then there's one Earth-variant with NO super-powered people dwelling on it. On this Earth, I depict undisguised versions of real-world singer-musicians, including Joan Jett and a Jimi Hendrix who lives longer than ours did, starting to re-examine the effect their music may have, good or bad, on the way people understand love. Anyone who follows today's popular music doesn't need to be told that a LOT of it promotes attitudes which don't facilitate healthy love.

ONCE THE CHARACTER OF RIZLAYA THE GOOD SORCERESS HAD PERUSED THESE EXPOSITORY REVIEW-POSTS, SHE SAID TO COPPERFOX: "THAT LOOKS GOOD. PLEASE DON'T IMMEDIATELY START A SIMILAR SUMMARY FOR NON-EARTH-BASED STORY-WORLDS. AFTER ALL, ONCE YOU RETURN TO THE SCENE THAT I'M IN, THIS WILL ITSELF BE A LOOK AT RELATIONSHIPS AMONG CHARACTERS IN A WORLD WHICH ISN'T A VERSION OF EARTH."

COPPERFOX AGREED.
 
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Resuming the scene at the fort in Felruda: Turning her attention to the sort-of-not-quite-undead man who had arrived with Ronald's party, Rizlaya presently announced, "This man still breathes the breath of the living. But some influence from the nether side of the other side is eroding his ties to Loheem's natural world." By "Loheem," she plainly and simply meant the actual God, this name being derived from Hebrew "Elohim." She went on: "The poor fellow has forgotten his name. Does anyone here know him?" But no one did.

Rizlaya walked up to one of the soldiers in attendance, one who was on the General's personal staff due to his valuable skills. "Sergeant Grandbell, do you have your image box available?" Hearing this, Lester, Torin and Pierre all realized what she meant, and this was a portion that Pierre could translate for Ronald. Nations on both Punksteemian continents, independently from each other, had been inventing photography during the gunslinger's lifetime.

"Yes, Mistress Tohir. I can have it ready for use in short order."

"Excellent. Please fetch it." Rizlaya turned toward William Seldunin. "General, I understand that the Sergeant has not so far figured out how to turn one image-plate into multiple copies of the original picture. But unless that victim of evil enchantment is recognized locally within the next two or three hours, I strongly advise that you have the Sergeant make three or four original images of him, then have couriers take them to all corners of the province." (This part was translated for Ronald by Detective Pell.)

The General nodded. "I expect that knowing his actual name will help your spell of restoration."

"It will. And even before that, we can test whether seeing his own face will remind him of who he is."

"Would not bringing him a mirror accomplish the same thing?" asked the railway detective.

"It might, Mister Pell," the General answered on Rizlaya's behalf. "Although is it not true that undead beings cast no reflection in mirrors, I have learned from Rizlaya that if a human being is under such a spell as this man suffers, he himself may suffer the ILLUSION that he casts no reflection."

"Then should we not bring a mirror anyway, to find out if our nameless friend can see himself?" asked Ronald.

"Well suggested," said Rizlaya; and soon a portable mirror was found. The affected man was able to see his own face, but this did not suffice to make him remember his name. He was given a comfortable chair to relax in, and Sergeant Grandbell began setting up his photographic apparatus.

"So we know more now than we did, Sir Towerman," the sorceress told the gunslinger-knight, allowing time gaps for Torin to explain her meaning to Ronald. "We'll proceed with making multiple photographs of him and showing them around." She looked back at her patron. "Meanwhile, General, I recommend that he be kept under close watch, but not treated cruelly. The fact that he still can eat food normally is a good sign. Let clerics pray for his deliverance from the enchantment, while we proceed with the planned search for people who know him."

"It shall be as you advise, Mistress Tohir. Stranger, you have the word of a General that no harm will befall you at our hands, unless it be the minimum force needed to prevent you from harming others if the spell changes you further. To which end, your keepers will be carrying silvered cudgels. Lieutenant Hocklenter, see to that." The indicated officer saw to it, and Seldunin looked at Ronald's party again, suddenly switching to speaking Tablanorian.

"Mister Pell, Mister Grath, Mister Durand, and you, Knight of Goliad, I'm sure that all of you are accomplished trackers. Please lead some of my men to the place where you first met the ensorcelled man, and try to find his back trail from there."

"By your leave, General Seldunin," said Torin Pell, "may we in turn request any dates and places your people can tell when other ghoulish
beings have been sighted?"

"Of course." the General beckoned, and the only woman in the room to be wearing a military uniform, a robust woman looking to be about thirty years old, came alongside him. "This is Corporal Didima Fernwood, a superb scout and message rider. She is my choice to command the soldiers who will accompany you, and she also can tell you as much as we know about recent undead sightings."

The sight of Corporal Fernwood's face had a startling effect on Lester Grath. It was not a matter of beauty: she was not bad looking, but neither was she stunningly lovely. She saw Lester staring at her, and spoke:

"Mister Grath, my face looks familiar to you because of the resemblance to my brother Marmiloc, who is thirteen years my senior. You and he fought hand-to-hand in one of the later battles of the border war. He gave you that scar on your neck, but you struck him far more sorely. His right arm, which your knife sliced open, showed festering after he was returned in prisoner exchange. It eventually had to be amputated halfway up from the elbow; but the tourniquet you had applied was the only reason why he lived TO undergo amputation.

"Marmiloc still is alive and active today. He has an artificial arm, with a bit of magic upon it, which can perform simple functions. With the remaining natural arm, this enables him to run a general store for farmers and fishermen in the north end of our country. General Seldunin, by the way, personally gifted my brother the money to start his business with initial inventory. Marmiloc, his wife Talusis, and their six children, if they were here, would tell you that they all remember your SAVING his life more strongly than they remember your wounding him in fair combat. So consider them as having said it through my mouth. You, Mister Grath, embody the expression 'an honorable adversary'."

"Which is always much better than a false friend," the General put in, without elaborating.
 
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For the first time since he had bought his mule, Ronald accepted the loan of a horse. His party was convoyed by Corporal Fernwood and six cavalrymen. Two of the soldiers remained a bowshot ahead of the others as they entered less-peopled areas.

At one moment when they were out of earshot from any Felrudeans, Pierre muttered to Ronald in Tablanorian, "Why isn't Mister Grath talking with the Corporal?"

"What do you mean, son? They just were talking barely two minutes ago."

Pierre looked impatient. "Only about the route we'll take. I mean they're not talking about themselves, about each other!"

A few Punksteemian societies had invented light bulbs by now; thus, it was possible for Ronald to imagine a light bulb coming on. "Dancing doomrats, you're imagining a ROMANCE between Lester and the Corporal!"

"Of course, why not? She made such a point of complimenting him, letting him know that her family wouldn't oppose them getting together."

Ronald had learned long ago that in many Arcondoylan countries the lowest-valued coins, the equivalent of pennies, were made from tin. He also knew that book and newspaper publishing was advanced far enough in Tablanor that one could buy works of short fiction, printed on the cheapest paper, for one or two tin coins. Thus, he now said to Pierre: "I think you've been reading too many tin-piece novels. Love at first sight never actually happens. Now, INTEREST may arise at first sight, but it takes more than a first impression to produce genuine love in the heart."

"But Mister Grath and Corporal Fernwood aren't total strangers. She's known OF him for years, and has every reason to think highly of him."

"Yes, to be sure, she does think highly of him. But that still is not the same as being in love with him. Listen to an illustration.

"Imagine if, after the border war, Lester did lose his wife as it happened in reality; then he studied surgery, and took service with a wealthy household-- for instance, Captain Rothermill's household. Suppose that he became the chief mentor and moral guide for a young son of that wealthy family. Suppose that the boy, as soon as he reached manhood, set out to become something like a Towerman: a resolute fighter against evil, who wore a mask and a cape, roamed at night rescuing innocent people from bandits and monsters, and concealed his true identity from everyone except Lester and one or two other helpers. He eventually induced a sneaky cat-like female bandit, with whom he had been acquainted for years, to give up crime and join him on the side of good. Imagine that they got married on the basis of well-established mutual understanding, not blind impulse; and they had a daughter who became something like a Smoke Maiden.

"Next, imagine that, some while after this nocturnal knight married the reformed criminal, a female doctor in their own country was tricked into becoming evil by a charismatic villain. After the masked knight repeatedly defeated this wicked pair, the corrupted healer broke away from the charismatic villain, but did not immediately return to goodness. Suppose that the adolescent daughter of the masked knight and his ex-bandit wife defeated the former doctor in a ferocious fight which left them both injured. With the ex-doctor now imprisoned in a cave belonging to the crime-fighting family, assume that Lester mended the wounds of both injured women. The captured villainess was astonished at how conscientiously Lester took care of her, despite her having long scorned and ridiculed the righteous.

"Now suppose that three good wizards helped the evil woman to understand that wickedness WAS NOT clever and admirable. Next, they enabled her to see right into Lester's innermost heart, so that she understood his true character AS IF she had known him for years. Under those conditions, the ex-healer truly DID instantly fall in love with Lester. They got married and started a family of their own-- not thanks to 'love at first sight' as people imagine it, but because she grasped the depth of his goodness, while he knew that she had BECOME good."

Pierre was gaping at the gunslinger. "Is that based on a true story? Something you learned about in the course of your own adventures?"

Ronald shrugged. "Not that I know of. It just seemed like a suitable illustration. Didima Fernwood certainly esteems Lester, but she has never been granted such an epiphany as the repentant villainess in my story; therefore, as things now stand, she does not have the same grounds to feel herself already IN LOVE with Lester. If anything ever develops between them, some time will have to pass first."
 
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Over two thousand miles west of where Ronald of Goliad was hunting for undead creatures, the steamship Clutching Fist was cruising on the Equatorial Ocean, beyond the Gulf of Kobason. Its owner Armando Casador, chairman of the Two Rivers Evil Business Corporation in Reslagor, was bent on testing how well his ship would perform at steaming directly against the globe-circling equatorial current.

"We're at a steady twelve knots," declared Captain Yarbeck Trask as his boss entered the bridge. "At this angled course, we should enter the full-on world-current in four days. Gunnery officer told me, before he came off watch to sleep, that the float harpoons will be ready to test in the morning."

"Very good, Captain. How is readiness for the anti-airship rockets?"

"The rocketry crew needs at least two more days before they feel ready to expend rockets. Did you want to step up that component of the project?"

"Not yet, but tell the rocket handlers that I'll pay them a bonus if they devise a way to speed up launcher assembly without endangering themselves when firing. By the way, Captain, when did you last eat?" Armando considered his employees valuable enough that he would always take reasonable measures to prevent harm to them. His attitude was rather different as concerned men to whom he owed no obligation. When Trask admitted to having gone ten hours without food, Armando reminded him: "I'm qualified to take the conn. Go below to the cold sideboard, and put some flesh back onto your ribs."

\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \

Steaming against the unceasing planetary current would mean pointing the ship's bow to the west, and SS Clutching Fist was already within a few points of due west. The bridge windscreen had tinted glass against the low-angle sunlight. Accordingly, Armando did not fail to notice when a physically impossible shadow appeared near him. It was impossible, because a shadow can't be cast TOWARD the light source. It was as if this shadow consciously hated the daylight, and was attacking it, trying in vain to extinguish it forever.

"Welcome aboard, Lord Jaheg-Jorod." Having seen his most secret "investor" arrive in this manner over ten times before, Armando almost succeeded in hiding his nervousness this time. "In case you haven't already inspected us magically, I'm pleased to inform you that all ordnance is expected to work outstandingly."

Jaheg-Jorod's body, if a body it was, came into visibility now, approximately at a position from which it could reasonably cast the shadow which had preceded it. It seemed like a well-dressed gentleman, though in garments unlike any that men wore in Reslagor.

"You did well to report all that you know about the Lone Towerman. I wish that the Wolves of the Crybabiya had been equal to the task of killing him."

"Master, is one mortal man that important?"

"He is, because the bright powers that I hate, who serve the only One Whom I fear, are ever with him; because he cannot be corrupted by the sort of lures which bound you to my service, and which have in turn bound ambitious men and women to YOUR service; because he cannot be intimidated or discouraged; and because he is an undeniable example of courage and faith for all who meet him."

"So, my Lord, do you want me and my men to take part in catching and slaying Ronald of Goliad?"

"Possibly. Continue as you are for the present; I will inform you if the occasion presents for you to go after Sir Ronald. Your present activity is already important to my plans."

"Mechanical achievements on the ocean, diabolism on land, right?"

"Yes, Armando. Undead beings cannot function well, if at all, in water --because water signifies the gift of life given by the hated Creator. It is entirely appropriate when mortals especially imagine deserts to be haunted by the dead. So, like skilled wrestlers who use their strengths and work around their weaknesses, we conform our strategy to reality. If those who join you are materialistic, use them for scientific jobs, like the development of your private navy. And let those who lust for magical power become part of the undead campaign."
 
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Now for a fresh round of scene-changes.

Preston "Truthside" Vincent, now arguably the single most powerful superhero (at least physically) in the multi-variant-whatever-verse, had not yet had time to absorb fully the significance of his recently-acquired mightiness. He had not yet even returned to his own Earth since the last post that mentioned him; and his time on Planet Awkwardlisp was being taken up by administrative matters which didn't require him to fight or capture anyone.

Right now, Preston was in the nearest thing he could find to a human-type conference room, in a part of the planet which he had never visited before today. Sitting close to him were five friendlies: Doc Slippage, Doc's new fiancee Zoorama, the inventor-hero Stony Stork, former War Witch Tarvili Drifla (Tapidri's younger sister), and one of the Native Ostralian warriors named Emangu Kavat, a nephew of Dreamtime Chieftain. He was the same warrior who, during the counter-invasion, had seen Tarvili and Tapidri recognizing each other, and had helped them get out of reach of Twerpseid's minions. Emangu, upon being invited by Preston to participate in this meeting, had urgently requested that Tarvili also be included. He had formed a strong and unconcealed crush on her. Since he had done her a good turn, Tarvili welcomed his attention, paying no heed to his being several inches shorter than she.

Opposite the good people were two and a half evil ones. The four-armed surgeon Doctor Uberkwack counted as only half evil, because he appeared to be sincerely friendly to Preston. The other two surrendered villains, physically more human-like than Uberkwack, were Chief Inventor Greensodd and Chief Astrographer Vogg Stoob. Master Stoob was of particular interest to Preston, for a reason which the heroic widower was not slow to bring up.

Gesturing toward Zoorama, Preston began: "Vogg Stoob, and you, Greensodd, you two are about to be placed under a mental compulsion to tell us only truth. You may possess conditioning to resist such control when it originates in the sciences, but you have no power to resist my friend's magical control." He didn't reveal that the good sorceress was much more accustomed to manipulating physical objects than to controlling human minds, let alone extraterrestrial minds; but if she concentrated hard, she should be able to overrule their wills. The more so because, merciful though the conquerors were, Greensodd and Vogg Stoob were both terrified of antagonizing King Truthside, as some Awkwardlispians had begun calling him.

"Greensodd, what I want from you is something you can put in writing, and have your computers translate it into printed English, with schematics. You are to describe all the workings of your dimensional-tunnel generators, and compose a possible teaching curriculum to enable human technicians to improve Earth's manufacturing base until it can become able to manufacture those generators."

"Have pity on me, Your Majesty!" whined Greensodd. "I cannot guarantee that Earthlings would EVER be able to reach that high a scientific level! Is there not a human saying that you can't get blood from a large-root vegetable?"

"Easy, Chief Inventor. I will never punish you for not being able to do something which proves completely impossible. But I require you to create a prospectus which comes as close as possible to achieving what I said. Given that I ask no guarantees of a finished product, I remind you that you can easily put together a hypothetical plan with the help of your databases. However much of this you're able to assemble within the next--" (Preston indicated a local time-unit close to one hour) '--you will give to Mister Stork, so he can begin studying it while you continue compiling more.

"Now to you, Chief Astrogator. This will be less formal than Greensodd's assignment. You will simply start talking, and readers of this story can assume there are translation devices at work, if that seems necessary for narrative logic. Beginning with locations which are in a direction from your world opposite from the direction to my home planet, begin describing some worlds which Awkwardlisp has invaded."

Emangu asked Preston, "Why not start closer to Earth?"

"Call it a hunch. The very fact that one alien world invaded us, and the fact that their forces included people who, like Miss Drifla, came from still other planets, reinforces in my mind just how much we humans need to learn about the universe. I'm simply trying to cast a wider net. As I said, this is less formal than the technical prospectus from Greensodd. So, Vogg Stoob, sometime before you finish your storytelling for today, tell Emangu something about the part of the galaxy that Tarvili Drifla comes from, and Emangu can compare this with what Tarvili will be telling him when they're dating."

"What is dating?" asked the blue-skinned, blue-haired warrior-maiden.

"A kind of non-violent social ritual in which both participants must be freely consenting," Emangu told her.
 
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On Waterpark, the traditional home planet of House Ashtrayides, Stillneater the son of Paul Muddy-Drip had told the faithful warrior Alec Hurdygurdy about Muddy-Drip's mystical visit. Lady Jazzica was not available to be consulted about this; but the new Selenium Falcon-style ship had reached a state of readiness, and the two had joined the trial crew for a flight back to Srirachiss. Before takeoff, Stillneater took it on himself to bestow a name on the ship: Waterpark One, since this was the first independently-traveling starship constructed on Waterpark.

The new ship's navigation databank held star-chart information from the Selenium Falcon, so they didn't need a Naughtygator to trace mentally the route back to Srirachiss. The crewmen, despite knowing that this was SUPPOSED to work, were nervous about venturing outside a solar system without the aid of the Spaced-Out Guild; but when they safely entered the destination system, all of them pretended that they had never been worried in the least.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

At the north-polar shipyard on Srirachiss (recall that here, "polar" only meant "less hot") Princess Eerilake Calamari, research leader Tutti Howizzit and security boss Captain Kracknuck cheerfully welcomed the travelers. Possibly the MOST dramatic difference between Waterpark One and the Naughtygator hyper-jump motherships was that ships of the Spacebullies reality could carry on near-real-time voice communications WHILE in transit between star systems. Accordingly, the people at the Srirachian north pole had already heard every purely technical detail of Waterpark One's maiden voyage while the voyage was in progress. Eerilake, however, had received enough Penny Jezebel training that she knew Stillneater had asked his shipmates to keep silent about an entirely different subject which was of serious concern to the young man.

As soon as the three-person welcoming party could be alone with Stillneater and Alec (everyone else who had been on the trip was outdoors, being congratulated by shipyard personnel), Stillneater proved already prepared to satisfy Eerilake's curiosity. "Princess, Supervisor, Captain: it is no secret that my father has been allowed to return from the next world several times, to communicate with my grandmother, Aunt Trala-Lalia, Uncle Groaner and Bunkem. But now, Father has appeared to me, and done so on Waterpark. I shared with Alec what Father told me, and it is SUPREMELY relevant to the prolonged unhappiness of Planet Srirachiss."

"Did he tell you about whatever the Snarkonnens are up to now?" asked Kracknuck.

"Much deeper than that," said Alec Hurdygurdy. "It's about who and what is BEHIND the Snarkonnens."

Eerilake sighed, "And I sense that it's far more serious than my father's pathetic last-gasp scheming."

Tutti caught Stillneater's gaze. "We know at least vaguely by now that all worlds familiar to us are in some way influenced, even shaped, by the widely-reaching power of-- of STORYTELLERS, on one world which somehow is older, central, primary. That although all of us have a real existence, even real souls with free will, our fundamental circumstances are created by the works of imaginative persons on this ONE planet. So, is there now a more specific revelation?"

"There is. Exposition has to go somewhere, so here it is. My father was sent back to the mortal plane specifically to tell me this. 'Original Earth' is real; its fantasies acquire material form in worlds like ours. Now, the Creator is prolific enough to have created worlds which AREN'T anything like Earth, with truly independent life-forms who have their own history; but worlds inhabited by true humans, like the Earth-variant to which my grandmother and sister traveled not long ago to find Aunt Trala and Uncle Groaner, all function like parodies of something imagined by people on Original Earth. Parodies of worlds which God knew somebody WOULD imagine. Srirachiss, however, is not so much lampooning a tale someone made up, as EXPRESSING the true intent of one author.

"An Original Earth writer named Frank Herbert, now deceased, imagined a world called Arrakis, of which THIS world we are on is a reflection. And when imagining Arrakis, he was adamantly resolved to make everyone there MISERABLE ALL THE TIME. Our world's unceasing tragedies are, from a certain point of view, exactly what Mister Herbert wanted us to suffer. But we must not curse his memory; he had no way of realizing that any LIVING people would be forced actually to experience the misery he imagined."
 
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At Restoration Ranch in the Wyoming of Urth, guests for the wedding of ranch owner Greg Sutter and nail-painting expert Ruby Spruce began arriving two days before the wedding. Many of the new arrivals found themselves being given a tour by Matthew Carver, the adolescent autistic boy who was spending the summer under Mister Sutter's care.

"This enclosure is for birthing mares and their foals. Mister Sutter starts the training of every newborn horse right here.

"Horses, like people, need some order, some regularity. Even dominance behaviors contribute to stability. But Mister Sutter gets it going at each animal's birth. Do you see the old saddles and harnesses lying around here? Every colt born here can smell the leather starting in its first minutes of breathing air. As a result, when the time comes for tack to be put ON them, they're much less afraid of it than if they had never encountered such things before then."

Mr. and Mrs. Carver, and Matthew's siblings, were thrilled to witness the self-confidence Matthew displayed. If any of them had been less than an enthusiastic supporter of the Vigilant Cowboy before now, this tour made them believers.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Three features of the wedding-- besides the presence of superheroes-- were the most memorable. Singing was done by Aluminum Banshee, Tapper Cossack, and Black Parakeet; Greg and Ruby were seated on horses during the ceremony, as were their attendants and the presiding minister. Sir Jasper, the best man, was of course mounted on Winged Virtue. Just before the couple were pronounced husband and wife, Ruby turned her horse and addressed the entire gathering.

"In any relationship, it will often happen that both sides in a conflict are equally at fault. But it is NOT ALWAYS that way; and any person who is herself a habitual troublemaker, has a self-serving motivation to pretend that she really believes it's always both sides equally guilty. This is called blame-shifting. Therefore, here at the beginning of a loving new life which I do not deserve, I want everyone to be clear about this. There will doubtless be times when Greg and I are both at fault for something, and possibly incidents where only Greg is to blame. But our former breakup was ONE HUNDRED PERCENT MY OWN FAULT and nobody else's. I and I alone chose to be selfish and stupid back then, caring nothing about anyone else's feelings; and I will be forever grateful to my wonderful cowboy for forgiving me."

On the night which followed this, Greg Sutter did a superb job of showing Mrs. Ruby Sutter how much he really, really forgave her and loved her. She equally left Greg no room for doubt of the gratitude and reverence she felt toward him. Starting the next morning, they spent many days joking and laughing, with no need to be solemn about anything.
 
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In the United States as it existed on "Terra," the notorious Hamhanda Blubber still was so astonished by her physical change to a shapely, attractive woman after Screendoormammu had flung her back into the mortal world, that she couldn't find it in herself to focus on resenting how she had been held accountable for treason against America on top of enormous financial malfeasance. Not that she wasn't glad that capital punishment was off the table. When Green Dart and Rick Flagstaff came to the minimum-security prison to talk with her, she experienced the startling revelation that both men did find her attractive in spite of themselves-- even in spite of her dreary orange jumpsuit.

"When last you spoke to Mutt Muckrake," said Brigadier Flagstaff, "he was assessing your voice vibrations. He has a talent for that. This was the reason why he asked you about the extraterrestrial infiltrators in Africa. He is satisfied, and therefore we are satisfied, that you know nothing about the origin or the plans of the Skrunks. But we can't leave any clue unexamined. So: during the brief time you spent in another dimension, did you see or hear ANYTHING which could conceivably offer a clue to what the Skrunks are doing on Terra?"

Hamhanda made what she fancied was a subtle change of position on her chair. She was trying to act coquettish; but the senior officer and the crimefighter showed no outward sign of being affected by the sight.

"Sorry, gentlemen, but I can't think of anything in that abyss which might point the way. But apart from that experience, I could potentially reach out to assorted gangsters, mercenaries and spies, who might perhaps know something relevant."

Green Dart smirked a little. "Are we to infer that you mean you could hunt clues for us, if you were furloughed from prison?"

"I'm not pretending to KNOW that I could be of use to you; but what can you lose by giving me a chance? You could, after all, make a cruel gesture to control me: make ME wear one of the termination collars that I imposed on my Sacrificial Squad."

"That sounds like fun," said Brigadier Flagstaff. "We just might give it a go."
 
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Mugwumpa the formerly-evil monster still was enjoying her new life as a benevolent leader to the tribal natives of her new homeworld: a world that she and they now shared with Mighty Male and other escapees from Planet Alwaysurnia. Right now, Mugwumpa was teaching mathematics to a large crowd of native youngsters, who were the equivalent of eight- or nine-year-old human children.

Without warning, something appeared in the air nearby: something roughly similar to the opening of one of the Awkwardlispian dimensional tunnels. Through it stepped a figure whom the former fiend had cause to fear: the ultra-beautiful demigoddess known as Swimmer Pluto. But Swimmer Pluto's first action was to spread her open hands and exclaim, "Have no fear, Mugwumpa! We know that you have joined the side of light, and we are interested to know how you are faring here."

The other half of "we" was a very tall black human, who proved to be able to lengthen his neck the way Mugwumpa could lengthen her arms. He
made a startling sight for the natives, as he began walking around with his head more than four feet higher than his shoulders. But Mugwumpa knew who he was.

"Black Giraffe! I know how much sensory improvement you enjoy every time you extend your neck. I can hurry up your survey by telling you that no native of this planet has yet invented anything electrical. If you sense radio-frequency emissions, they are being produced by Prince Andy and his companions, who came here many days ago...."
 
BETCHA FORGOT ABOUT MY VERSION OF JEDI MASTER PLO KOON.

In a sorta-multiverse of storytelling variants, this was an event almost as momentous as Paul Muddy-Drip Ashtrayides explaining to his son how the pessimistic philosophy of the now-deceased Original Earth novelist Frank Herbert was affecting the lives of billions of sapient beings who were part of The Never-Stopping Story.

While Copperfox's readers were sorting out that run-on sentence, a hero-character who represented a direct parody of George Lucas' Star Wars was traveling with other characters whose connection to Star Wars was filtered through Mel Brooks' own parody called "Spaceballs."

The only-marginally-humanoid up-side Fuss master Plow Korn had lately earned the gratitude and respect of both intelligent races in the Directvidean System, by rooting out the Snarkonnen infiltration being performed by Fooldemall the Lazytaxie Face Twister, who had murdered and impersonated the Chimpanzian diplomat Minister Proconsul. Under duress in prison, the unmasked evildoer had yielded navigational data which would enable inter-storyline travel to the icky planet Greedy Crime and the less-icky-but-hard-to-live-on planet Srirachiss. But the present flight was not bound for any part of the Dune-pastiche sub-reality. Rather, it was heading for Toofah-Roff, the native world of Master Yoga-Rug, with the purpose of officially establishing friendly relations with that planet. Plow Korn was aware that Master Moose Windchime had also gone to that planet.

The somewhat slow-witted but good-hearted Duke Diskoduck of Planet Directvideo, cousin to Princess Vixen, remarkable among cousins of royal personages for NOT plotting to murder his own relatives, was on board the starship which had been lent to Plow Korn. Also representing the humans of the Directvidean System were Rabbishop Malarkey, the top clergyperson of his world, and a space pilot named Wilma Dearthing, who was easily as beautiful as Princess Vixen, without being nearly as vain about her looks as Vixen was. Representing Planet Chimpanzia were two recently-married individuals who were equally attractive by ape standards, and who had helped to catch Fooldemall: Inspector Antilacor, a no-nonsense officer of his world's internal security network, and his bride Lucasta, sister of the deceased Minister Proconsul.

Assisting Wilma Dearthing in operating the ship was a robot called Clankatron, who was more or less a brother to the lady robot Bot Index. He had no problem figuring out run-on sentences, and would explain them to Diskoduck.
 
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Our Latest Subplot: On Wawa, home base of the Green Flashlight Corps, the lobster-like sapient Chubkripdak had excelled greatly at his hero training. Chief Drill Instructor Indabog took to saying every day that the newbie was in every way worthy to succeed the noble-hearted but short-lived Grakabikrak. As a result, the Janitors of the Universe ordered Indabog and Chubkripdak as a team to go and investigate a new discovery: the first closely-matching Earth-equivalent to be found in an altogether different galaxy from the Milky Way galaxy: the galaxy reachable by the Red Streak Wormhole. More accurately, the Janitors had come upon a multi-world federation which INCLUDED, and was powerfully influenced by, this version of Earth.

Close counterparts of Star Trek Romulans, Gorns, Ferengi and Klingons existed in that galaxy. A revelation that the far-off star neighborhood also included intelligent races living on methane-shrouded gas-giant planets prompted the Janitors to assign one additional Green Flashlight for this fact-finding mission. Zuha Zuzob was a starfish-like being, a bit larger than Chubkripdak; she could survive the gravity, and breathe the air, of Jupiter-like worlds. Methane gas was to her as oxygen to us; and absent insulation, the relative heat of an Earth-type world (Wawa included) would have cooked her to death (if explosive decompression didn't kill her first).

The design of Zuha's Flashlight Corps prosthesis reflected the fact that members like her could at any time be asked to assist a "warm world," since the vast majority of intelligent races lived in oxygen environments vice methane environments. Her Flashlight was embedded inside her body center, where it could never be lost or stolen while she lived. Its green energy could emerge to do its job out of any of a large number of nerve endings in her epidermis. A recharger could recharge her device at any one of these points. Meanwhile, her Flashlight automatically regulated her body temperature and pressure as needed; moreover, it could alter the molecular surroundings-- air, even water-- to furnish fresh methane for Zuha's metabolism.

Without this arrangement, a methane-breathing Green Flashlight like Zuha Zuzob, when asked to protect a warm-world civilization, would have needed to create, and consciously maintain, a life-support envelope.

Zuha had not been on Wawa at any time while Chubkripdak was in training. When these two were introduced by Indabog, the lobster-like warm-worlder novice, who could breathe both water and air, was fascinated by the heavy-worlder's account of her native gas-giant planet. She made him understand that her home environment was very much like an ocean with no shore.

With two senior Corps members to prevent him from committing disastrous mistakes, Chubkripdak was thrilled to be out of the gate and off on a real mission. To a different galaxy, no less! Even the super-advanced space-travel capability of the Flashlight artifacts could not manage an inter-GALACTIC trip within an acceptable time span, but the trio had the use of the Red Streak Wormhole. Although humans and other land-walking bipeds remained weird in the lobsteroid's sight, he was glad that the newly-detected civilization they were to contact had humans in it. Grakabikrak had given her life to protect endangered humans, and she remained the youngster's role model.

At the last minute, two of the Janitors decided to come along also, lending official weight to the outreach: Katmatao, Supreme Exalted Poobah of Planet Wawa, and his female cousin Yinzubra. The latter was the personal mentor of several Flashlights who had previously visited the galaxy in question. One essentially-human rank-and-file Flashlight, a man called Parbellik Magta, was chosen by Yinzubra to come along also, just as added firepower against any threat. "Firepower" meant not only his Flashlight, but a little hole card: an old-fashioned but functional rocket launcher, supplied with eight armor-piercing and three fragmentation-warhead rockets.

These, in case they ran into a super-villain who was immune to Green Flashlight energy, like the now-depowered Grrrryll of Awkwardlisp.
 
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After transiting the wormhole, the expedition's first stop was one of the worlds previously contacted.

"Are my eyes tricking me," Parbellik asked Zuha, "or is nearly two thirds of that planet's surface covered with ice?"

"Your eyes are correct. My eyes can only see infra-red light and radio-frequency waves, because this range passes for daylight at home; but infravision is ideal for perceiving that the planet is uncommonly frigid for a 'warm' world."

"We'll come in on the night side," Katmatao told everyone. "And first contact reports noted that there are no flying creatures native to Jinobrid. So let us make ourselves obvious on our approach to Naheelosh."

"Is that the planetary capital?" said Parbellik.

"It is a national capital. Jinobrid has no dominant central regime; there are at least thirty separate nations."

"But doesn't this mean that all of them wage war against each other all the time?"

Indabog made reply: "Far from it. The existence of sovereign countries doesn't guarantee bloodbaths...... and having everyone ruled by one authority (unless that authority be AsaLion Himself) is no guarantee that there WON'T be bloodbaths. Anyway, Dalnahee, the nation where we'll descend after our flyover, is reported to be especially peaceful. It being an island nation, with abundant natural resources, probably helps."
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Planet Jinobrid (accent on the second syllable) would not have been a good place for a Tonkrypian to visit, since it orbited a RED dwarf star. Life could exist sustainably on this terrestroid world, but only in the equatorial belt, a little over one thousand miles north to south. As part of this livable zone, from the edge of each permanent icecap, about sixty miles' worth of latitude had seasons, and thus its own distinct ecosystem.

The local intelligent species had roughly a centaur's body shape, albeit with a bear-like head. (They were omnivores, as were most animals on Jinobrid.) The most advanced societies were at a technological stage similar to pre-imperial Rome or early China. Soon after the first contact with Jinobrid, the Janitors of the Universe had conferred with leaders on Hoofmark, a friendly Milky Way planet. This planet's people were also centauroid omnivores-- in fact, nearly indistinguishable from Jinobridons. The Janitors believed that Jinobridons and Hoofmarkians, despite now residing in different galaxies, must have had common ancestors (think Vulcans and Romulans), because the two races were SO similar biologically.

The Hoofmarkians enjoyed science and industry comparable to the United States just before World War Two, though their organic horse-like mobility meant less need for motorized ground transportation. By a carefully-drawn agreement with Planet Wawa, a sizeable delegation of Hoofmarkian volunteers had been transported to the other galaxy, to begin teaching the Jinobridons about areas of science which would seem fabulous to the latter. Nothing of directly military intent for the time being.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Some of the Hoofmarkian educators were headquartered in Naheelosh. It was currently night at this location, but all Hoofmarkians in the city who were awake knew what manner of company was arriving, thanks to radio sets which would respond to Flashlight signals. And by now, all Jinobridons had at least heard of the Green Flashlight Corps. Thus there was no panic, but rather, friendly curiosity. Several dignitaries from other nations were present in the multitude.

When Katmatao, Yinzubra and their four companions landed in the capital's widest plaza, the first people to greet them officially were the director of the teaching force, a Hoofmarkian mare named Thimlar; and the equivalent of a mayor for Naheelosh, a Jinobridon stallion named Grukkadoon. "Well met, benefactors!" roared the mayor in a voice which sounded angry to uninitiated ears, but which was intended as a jolly, even affectionate tone. Thimlar added, "You will not be disappointed in the progress we have made since you last heard from us. Especially Grukkadoon's progress, not only in the mechanics but in the theory." Though talking about unsentimental matters, her voice was recognizably tender and sweet.

The Janitors already knew who Grukkadoon was. But only tonight would they learn how solidly the two centaur cultures had literally embraced their kinship. Within the first five minutes after the initial welcome, it was revealed that Grukkadoon and Thimlar had been husband and wife for the past eleven days.
 
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