Spacebullies Two: The Search For More Parody

Woodrow Ackerman could not forget that three of his older male relatives had lost their lives trying to stop the vindictive onslaught of the Mintcandybarri armed forces fourteen years ago; but he could remember that, among all Mintcandybarri, the Anflaktikshok had not been the ones who pushed for genocide. And since the Earth-Mintcandybarr War had been ended by the little-understood miraculous involvement of Jack Playfair, the Mintcandybarri as a whole had shown another side of their civilization --even helping the Earth of this reality to overthrow an evil dictatorship. (This dictatorship had threatened to cause billions of humans to die of boredom, because all it could offer had been STILL ANOTHER paint-by-numbers replay of "Look out, the Nazis are back!")

Woodrow's diplomat wife had no difficulty taking a positive attitude toward the Anfilaktikshok. Many defenseless civilian vessels from Planet Braykpeddul had been wantonly destroyed by Shadything terror-ships in very recent history, and Yessa knew that the Anfilaktikshok had long fought against the Shadythings. Any slight reluctance Woodrow still felt about working with Mintcandybarri, his wife soon put to rest.

Early in their first technical discussion, Kolaklop told Woodrow, "Your excellent ship is well designed for its natural purpose as a transport, but there's no reason why a transport ship has to be COMPLETELY unable to strike back at an attacker."

"I agree in principle," said the ship's captain, "but redesigning the interior to emplace weapon stations would put Queen Yessa back in a construction slip for weeks, and I believe that both our Coalition and Captain Synthmusica's Republic want to get moving against this Admiral Skrawn in a hurry. Surely you rangers don't want to sit out the campaign?"

"Of course not, Captain Ackerman. But all ships assigned to this operation, including yours, will face at least some delay, while you try to refit them with stand-off defensive shields. My thought is that, whlle this is being achieved, we could also attach one means of offense on the EXTERIOR of your ship. Simply missiles! Eight or ten anti-ship missiles, mounted on hardpoints along the hull, and with most of the control circuitry built into the missiles themselves, shouldn't be too difficult to arrange. No one is asking the Queen Yessa to be a full-on warship; but why NOT at least let her have some teeth?"

Woodrow smiled suddenly. "I like it!"
 
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On board the orbit-parked Earthlyforce destroyer Aggiemarbelon, Captain Constance Tilbury was doing an interior walk-through, emphasizing all components of the ship's electrical power grid. With her went Snack Salad, third-in-command of Bubblewrap Five; Noherra Synthmusica, sworn enemy to the Empire of Evil Badness; and the Braykpedduli technician Trablo Kuldivan, who had arrived with Woodrow Ackerman. They were of course discussing how the relatively old-fashioned but still serviceable warship could be rendered capable of handling energy supply for beyond-the-hull protective screens.

Assume bunches of technobabble, culminating with an optimistic prognosis. And now for the interesting part. Captain Tilbury, who was at least somewhat acquainted with Snack from having met him during past station visits, asked him off-handedly: "So, Chief Salad, have you and Captain Synthmusica set a wedding date yet?"

Snack blushed furiously. Noherra's blood was also red, regardless of her green skin, so her face turned brown. Of the two, Snack (unlike his usual quietness) was the first to find his voice. "I haven't even found the nerve to ask her yet!! After the way Brita Alkaselzer treated me, I've lost my nerve, EVEN when the woman I want now is FAR NICER than Brita was!"

"Then you DO want me?" Noherra asked him. The answer came, not from Snack Salad, but from a Fuss Ghost who suddenly appeared close to them, the same way Drool might have appeared.

"Of course Chief Salad wants you, and I approve completely!" declared Up-Side Master Klayman Jitters, who had died saving the lives of Noherra Synthmusica and Fizzra Teenybopper. "Noherra, dear, I'm grateful to have shared those adventures with you and the crew. You and I could have had a great life together, but God willed otherwise. I say 'God,' NOT the ridiculous Willienillies that somebody made up. Since we're in a story-universe where the dead can appear WITHOUT any occult evil being involved, I asked for this opportunity to tell you that I know Snack will be good for you. God in His aspect AsaLion gave His permission, so I tell you and Snack: you will have children I would have been proud to raise. As it is, Fizzra was as good as a son to me, and you can tell him I said so. Don't feel bad about me; I'm just fine living in Heaven."

Noherra and Snack stood speechless, but unthinkingly clasped hands, while the Fuss Ghost tuned to face the others.

"I am also instructed to tell you that an extra plot wrinkle is heading your way. A few hours from now, a space-hibernation capsule will come floating right up to the station, because narrative convenience. In it will be a man born in the same sub-reality as the Barnsmell. You can trust him, and he'll be very helpful. That is all; I have to head back Upstairs now. Quite-A-Guy Jim and I have a chess game going." He looked at Noherra again. "All of you: may not only The Fuss, but also The Creator, be with you." Then he vanished.

Noherra wept on Snack's shoulder. As for Snack, he didn't begrudge it to Noherra to weep for her fallen hero. Snack, after all, had not completely lost all feeling for the stuck-up telepathic redhead who had so cruelly dissed him. And he couldn't possibly resent Klayman, after Klayman had just given him such a clear endorsement to take over with the woman they both loved. Within three minutes after Klayman returned to Heaven, Snack and Noherra were engaged.
 
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As things turned out, not one person on Bubblewrap Five, of any species, had any objection to the idea of the well-liked Noherra Synthmusica marrying the well-liked Snack Salad.

Three and a half hours later, the story-facilitating hibernation capsule arrived and was brought on board. Chief of Medical Services Frank Stevia examined the small but athletically built and battle-scarred man who had been hibernating. Presently, the man woke up and began talking:

"Thanks for accepting me, Doctor Stevia. My name is Jacob Mossyhutch. While I was in suspended animation, AsaLion Himself told me the most important facts about you people. I'm from what He calls Ringjonn Earth-- just plain Earth to me, but now I understand that there are others. The Lord told me that He thinks of your Earth as 'J.M.S. Earth,' whatever that means.

"The alien Barnsmells, about whom you've already heard, used to be a sort of galactic evil business corporation, selfishly manipulating other intelligent races, including my human race and some loveable characters called the Pindowny. Some older and even more wicked aliens called the Weeralldat had tampered with the Barnsmell race, making them unable to act upon any murderous impulse. Kind of like 'A Clockwork Orange.' But the Barnsmell knew how to induce OTHERS to commit murder for them. Not just murder; when ALL known sapient races were in danger from the disgusting Postalfiends, the Barnsmell arranged for us humans to be provided with weapons that could kill the monsters, and turned us loose to be heroes. But they also sabotaged many of our plans from behind the scenes, like by secretly tampering with our military communications. The Barnsmell wanted us to win, but just barely win. They wanted for us to kill all the Postalfiends, but for so many of us to die also in the process that we could never come after the Barnsmell to punish them for THEIR crimes.

"If I say so myself, I was one of the heroes of that war. I am one of only three or four human soldiers who ever fought a Postalfiend at close quarters, WITHOUT the benefit of powered battle armor, and lived to brag about it.

"The Barnsmell are to blame for my branch of humanity suffering billions of deaths, before we finally defeated the Postalfiends and could start rebuilding our world with the Pindowny's aid. I was also told in my sleep that those creeps have now been cured of their inhibition against direct violence, which makes them a straightforward menace to everyone. So if you're against the Barnsmell, I'm on your side!"
 
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In the America of "Terra," in the infamous Porkham Asylum, the grinning mass murderer and thief called The Joketeller was unhappy. Bad enough that his once-deluded girlfriend Carly Whiz had turned good and married the hero called Winter Trooper. But to make things worse, news had reached Joketeller that the side of evil had suffered serious reverses over in Africa. Drat it, if I could have been there to advise Lady Blast, Red Slaughter and the Boko Hassan gang, they could have defeated the Brickhawks and Javelin and the other do-gooders! I might even have been able to help the Skrunks! But my genius is going unused, unappreciated.

On his ninety-second day in a row of sitting and feeling sorry for himself, Jocko Nipper-- for this was his birth name on Terra-- beheld something like a shimmering mist in his cell. He was moderately startled, but not afraid; he was too much of a sociopath to be afraid.

"Excellent," remarked an unearthly voice. "You are moderately startled, but not afraid; you are too much of a sociopath to be afraid. What a pity that your genius is unappreciated. But I can change that."

"And who are you?" Jocko Nipper demanded. You are of course right about my genius. But if you're just a hallucination, then vanish and quit offering me false hopes of escape."

The Joketeller was rewarded by hearing a laugh even more inhuman than one of his own. "I am the Detestable Screendoormammu. I am false in many things, mortal friend, but my offer to spring you out of here is genuine. I figured out that, whereas the infuriatingly dull and boring Creator would probably bar me from releasing any super-powered villains who are currently imprisoned, He would take much less notice of my setting YOU free. I know that you can do boundless injury to civilization JUST by your daring tricks, but no supernatural power is required to recapture you if a hero gets lucky. So I'll prevent people from knowing that you are anything extraordinary."

Joketeller cackled. The attendants might have worried if he went for too long WITHOUT cackling; and if they came in to investigate, there was no being certain that the Almighty would NOT protect those men from Screendoormammu.

"All right, they've moved on. How are you going to uncage me?"

Screendoormammu glowed, as if in sadistic pleasure. "By a little bit of dimension-crossing. I'll carry you to a Pacific island, and give you a new face. You will entertain tourists; maybe even steal from them, but the point is a new identity. Then you can be unpredictable: decide for yourself whether you want to keep your Joketeller personality, or try something else. I will shortly transport you. I won't stay with you long after that, because I have another world to visit soon; but you'll be smart enough to begin adapting once you're free. I look forward to the new pranks you'll devise over time."

Barely an hour later, Joketeller found that he no longer had his clownish face, and he had become some sort of beachcomber on this world's version of Tahiti, now calling himself Rocco Tipper. No criminal connections here to call upon for assistance; but by the demon lord's arrangement, he "just happened" to find valuable objects on the seashore, which he could return to their owners and receive a reward. The island police kept an eye on him, but so far he truly WASN'T stealing anything. Very soon he had the means to buy extra clothes, and to rent a suitable hut with a nice view-- and was enjoying the irony that his new start was being played out as an honest man's life.

Honest until further notice.
 
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Doing a favor for Jocko Nipper alias The Joketeller alias Rocco Tipper was a mere sidebar from what Screendoormammu was up to lately. The fizzling of his plans for Terra, due to heroes like Dreadfuldevil, Wholesome Vine, Kimchee Man, Green Dart and Maureen Hawk's-Cry, was upsetting to him. Heroes on Seedubb Earth seemed always to recover from every setback. Tidal shifts were going against the side of darkness. In places like that planet in the Red Streak galaxy, scientific knowledge was being shared in many worlds WITHOUT causing epidemic atheism as it was supposed to do.

When he took a look at Planet Awkwardlisp, he was appalled to witness how a world CONSECRATED to evil was being turned around. There was a little solace in the fact that King Highfyver on Planet New Laziness was just as apathetic and useless as ever, but it was horrifying to see how rapidly Preston "Truthside" Vincent was curing moral corruption WITHOUT any help from New Laziness.

Remembering how optimistic his fellow fiend Kuth-Hula-Hoop had been about Slick "Dark Headgear" Mudpackis bouncing back after defeat, Screendoormammu sought out Planet Freesoil, where Dark Headgear's crew had fitted in with Mister Boone Crockett's colonists. He found to his dismay that the down-sider once feared and obeyed in the Spacebullion armed forces was looking almost like an UP-sider. Dark Headgear had not at all enslaved the colonists; he was evidently CONFORMING to their policies and customs, using his Fuss powers for jobs which benefited the entire colony. Even Krayzee Fireflaw and Lylah Doxum, long severely at odds over their both desiring Slick, seemed to have grown tired of hating each other. They were actually starting to be POLITE to each other.

Kuth-Hula-Hoop seemed not to have issued clear instructions to Dark Headgear or Zoot Booter for their long-term residence on Freesoil. Realizing this, Screendoormammu finally made a positive effort to contact the eldritch anti-god psychically. No luck. If Kuth-Hula-Hoop was able to hear, it (not he or she, just it) was choosing not to acknowledge. Screendoormammu considered pinch-hitting for Kuth-Hula-Hoop, and inciting Slick and Zoot to get back with the evil program. But no, it was more important to discern whether forces of light had halted Kuth-Hula-Hoop's progress at corrupting story arcs on a wider scale.

Mentally reviewing evil-ruled worlds he knew, Screendoormammu remembered the exceptionally wicked world called Greedy Crime. Beaten and humiliated by House Ashtrayides and the Srirachians, the surviving Snarkonnens WEREN'T living out their days in a forced-labor camp only because of the mercy of Paul Muddy-Drip. Yet instead of being so wimpy as to be grateful for this mercy, the Snarkonnens and their Naughtygator and Lazytaxie allies had stayed consistent about wanting to crush all spiritual hope and joy. This obstinacy was the very thing to warm a demon lord's poisonous heart. Perhaps the Baron still had communication with Kuth-Hula-Hoop. So on to the putrid city called Filthopolis went Screendoormammu.
 
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Rewinding to a couple of days before the end of the previous post:

"Doctor, I've seen six older adaptations of The Three Musketeers, and none of them ever showed Milady Sabine DeWinter as a super-goddess who could massacre the original Musketeers plus D'Artagnan with her eyes closed. Does this television series finally get around to doing that?"

"The producers must have been powerfully tempted to do so, my lord; but in the end, they chose a still better approach. Remember, although naturally we want males on the side of good to lose confidence, it's even more important to undermine the fundamental concept of happy endings. Let's get started."

In his deliberately messy palace on Greedy Crime, Baron Meedi Ogre Snarkonnen was receiving what he considered a neck massage from a slave girl. She was wielding a medium-weight brass chain, hitting him from behind with just the right force. That she still was alive and still possessed all her body parts, confirmed that she was doing the job just right. She also did well with her viewing reactions when the "Musketeers" show got started. Above all, she made sure to tell Baron Meedi that he was far more handsome than even D'Artagnan and Aramis.

This ruler of what remained of an evil realm had one other companion in his viewing room: Doctor Dizwarn, the supreme expert on corrupting noble stories. Dizwarn had the means of collecting suitable media productions from Original Earth, without provoking God's immediate wrath by trying to interfere with actual life on the true homeworld of humanity.

One sleep time, four meals, and five shift changes of serving wenches would go by before the series was all played.

As prompted by Dizwarn, the Baron paid close attention to Milady's character arc. Various former adapters had either presented Milady as pure two-dimensional evil, deserving to die; as cool-sexy-hip evil, deserving to be admired precisely FOR being evil; or as a victim of unfair circumstances, forced into a criminal career, deserving of pity. The new version was clearly taking the third course, and went farther than any other Musketeer story to generate sympathy for Milady.

"Doctor, are they actually going to reunite Athos with his ex? How does THIS promote pessimism? They've certainly made it so HE knows she still loves him, he understands that she never killed anyone who didn't deserve to die, and he knows they could still have a great life together."

"Just keep watching, sire."

In the end, the television writers disappointed every viewer who had a heart, and thus did NOT disappoint the Baron. They had prolonged the agony, doing everything imaginable to make Milady appealing to the audience-- and only then did they arbitrarily make Athos reject Milady. Having up to that moment been someone the audience could root for, Milady then BECAME as cold-hearted and bitter as any other version of her had ever been.

When the final credits rolled, Meedi Ogre was profoundly contented. "That was PERFECT, Doctor. It stomped on the face of everyone who believes in redemption, true love, and other felgercarb like that!"

"I agree absolutely, and I'm pleased with both of you men for being such grand champions of evil," stated Screendoormammu, materializing in the viewing room and gesturing for the slave girl to leave. "Now, let's talk strategy."

Dizwarn and Meedi had never before conferred in person with any evil immortals, but they knew that such immortals existed. So they chose to be optimistic about this unscheduled meeting; and indeed, Screendoormammu had no reason to want to do them any harm. He asked them whether they had any news of Kuth-Hula-Hoop. They didn't, but there were other items of evil business to discuss.
 
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Screendoormammu reappeared the next morning, and gave further advice to the Snarkonnen liege-lord and the senior Lazytaxie. They had not been talking longer than an hour before Planetary Early Warning announced the approach of three starships which were not Naughtygator jump-ships. These were the three ships from Seedubb.

Screendoormammu confessed to Meedi and Dizwarn that he dared not take direct action to destroy the foreign ships; "--a certain Being would VERY forcefully take exception to my doing so. But I can render some aid for you that falls within the permissible. First off, I can SLOW their movement, so it takes them several hours to move in-system and reach this planet."

During the time thus gained, Meedi Ogre expedited cremation of the publicly-displayed bodies of several dozen innocent people whom he had tortured to death just for fun. Dizwarn, more of a big-picture thinker, expedited the concealment of all spacecraft of one specific model, one of which had earlier been sent to Seedubb: the design which could carry severed but still living human heads, with new bodies to be grown for the heads at the destination.

By the time Lady Jazzica's punitive expedition appeared above Greedy Crime, the Baron and his chief scientist were off-planet; in fact, they were off-normal-space. Screendoormammu had transported these two villains, with several more key people, to an extra-dimensional zone which they had never seen before, though Dizwarn had already known of its existence. The place was in essence the same place which Copperfox had imagined years ago in his one-shot story "Hopecrushers of Dune." Readers not aware of that Copperfox story are invited to imagine that Hopecrusher Headquarters is more or less like the Time Variance Authority in the "Loki" miniseries.

While taking refuge there, Dizwarn and Meedi Ogre picked up many helpful tips for the erosion of optimism and idealism.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

As for Jazzica's party, the time-viewer discovered for them how the leading villains had eluded them, though not including the concealment of the living-head-carrying ships. Then Princess Eerilake said, "We can still make use of our visit: confiscate or destroy some of their most advanced equipment, even see if three or four defectors want to join our side."

Luchador Hidalgo being a wrestler had never prevented him from acquiring an education, so he added: "Be sure to capture the Snarkonnens' local surveillance satellites; let OUR world have the use of those."

"And I just remembered the extra tank of clean water I've kept in storage on board Selenium Falcon," said Bunkem Isotope. "Let's identify one of the more polluted spots on the planet, and give that water to the peasants there to drink. Like the Earth expression I've lately learned: catching bugs with sugar, not with vinegar."

When all these things were done, Lady Jazzica used her Penny Jezebel near-telepathic power to confirm the sincerity of four Greedy-Crime-ian women who had no family members to worry about, and who wanted to grab the opportunity to leave this toilet of a planet. These were the slave women who had recently been rotating the duty of whacking the Baron's fat neck with a chain by his own command.

The woman who had come next in order after the neck-whacker the author first depicted was named Soopernumera. She is named here because she was the one who almost instantly fell madly in love with Chip Thursday of the Kansas State Police. Chip, who was single and available, had rescued countless damsels in distress in his time, but had never tried to see any of them socially, because he maintained that it would be unethical to take advantage of their gratitude when he had only been doing his duty. But precisely because in this instance HE had not been Soopernumera's rescuer, he felt morally free to date her once a home would be found for her and her fellows on Seedubb. Sort of a Faramir-with-Eowyn kind of thing.

The liberated slave, by no fault of her own, was carrying several of the horrid planet's diseases, and sadly informed Chip of this. But the good guys had handy futuristic means to eliminate every trace of those diseases from her body (ditto for her fellow ex-captives). Accordingly, the narrator can assure you that Chip and Soopernumera were destined eventually to get married and live happily ever after together.
 
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NOW COMMENCE ONE-SHOT POSTS UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.

"Does this planet have a name or not?" asked Weapons-Man.

A four-armed female of the native race replied, "Yes, sir, it does, but the name is not considered to be pronounced correctly unless we say it like this." Then she opened her mouth wider, but neither Weapons-Man, nor his daughter Teerifica, nor Prince Andy, could hear anything from her. The visiting superhero Black Giraffe would have caught it if he had had his neck extended at that moment; but when his neck was at normal configuration, his enhanced sensory powers were dormant.

The green-furred Battery-Cat, however, could hear the sound, and told his human friends: "It's in the ultrasonic range. What she said sounded like, 'I Bet You Can't Hear This'."

Everyone looked at the native. She did a four-armed shrug. "We never needed a name for our planet until we learned that it WAS a planet. We considered it simply 'the world' until Queen Mugwumpa came and explained the universe to us. When she suggested that we give it a name, we decided on what your beast friend just heard me say. We told her what it was, talking in an audible pitch, and she liked our having a sense of humor. In fact, our sense of humor helped her to change from evil to good."

"I like that," said Black Giraffe. "What say, for purposes of our own speech, we call your world 'Hightone'?"

Teerifica added, "Making you indigenous people the Hightoners."

"That should be all right," replied the native woman. "We'll run it past the Queen and the council."

"Did someone just mention me?" asked the long-armed Mugwumpa, striding up to join them. "I was coming to ask you--" (addressing Weapons-Man, the most mechanically savvy of anyone present) "--to inspect the new solar-battery radio sets our people built to your specifications." (There needed to be at least two of those, so they could talk to each other.)

"Of course, let's go." Before accompanying Mugwumpa, Weapons-Man looked at Black Giraffe. "Remember what we discussed?"

"Of course. When you and the workers are ready, I'll start moving outward with my neck extended, to determine how far off I can sense the radio waves; help measure the signal strength."

Drifting apart from the others, Andy and Teerifica conversed privately for a while, about everything they might be doing in the near future, and about how soon he would try to communicate with his sister She-Wow. Unlike Teela in the animated series on which their existence was based, Teerifica already knew that Prince Andy was Mighty Male.
 
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On the coastline of the continent of Arcondoyla, the Komodrian steamship let knowledge-wizard Felipe Catalano off in Vodranor, a country adjacent to and friendly with the country where the ghouls-or-whatever had first appeared. Still with Felipe were:

>> Felipe's macho cousin Ysidro Lopez, proficient with a variety of weapons.

>> Two Droval women: the widow Sazka who made lenses for telescopes, and her rifle-toting daughter Heejee.

>> The Quelidard airship designer Jizbrol Tazaff (the surname comes first), who still had not revealed why he had left the service of the Chieftainess of Quelidar. He was, however, willing to talk about his ambition to set foot on Punksteema's moon.

On their first night at lodgings in Vodranor, Felipe wanted sleep above everything. He had been in suspense for days, trying to learn more of Tazlaff's history and plans by way of his limited magical method of crossing their language barrier. But more important, he needed to go to sleep early, so he could wake up while it was night in Hukshem to the west. Thus could Felipe open communication with the seer T'Pinnok Zur when T'Pinnok was dreaming.

Once contact was made as planned, T'Pinnok related for Felipe all he could report about the Bamulican soldiers traveling east to offer help to the Tablanorans and Felrudeans. Felipe in turn passed along the nearly absolute certainty that NONE of the quasi-zombies had been rendered undead by the actions of previous undead creatures. Whether starting as ordinary cadavers or as ordinary living people, they were being zombified by the spells of a living magic-user.

The next day, a much-relayed telegram from the musician Judy Lightheart in Creekport caught up with Felipe's party. Zoralee Jeralo and her animalized brother Billyboy were trying to overtake them, wanting in on the adventure.
 
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On Mediumgard (the Earth-variant sharing a solar system with Hallpasscard), in a Tibet which had been set free from Communist rule, the apostate Buddhist monk Drigum Namdre was practicing his power of bilocation: the ability to be in two places at the same time without needing the power of time travel to achieve it.

While sitting in his monastery in Tibet, Drigum was also standing at a street market in Guangdong, conversing with an American couple named Lance and Shelley Heflin. Lance and Shelley were Christian missionaries close to the end of their long tour in the People's Republic. In their time here, they had enjoyed some freedom actually to mention Jesus Christ to Chinese persons. They had enjoyed the degree of freedom they enjoyed for the same reason why Tibet was now independent: because the Hallpasscardians had pressured Beijing to lighten up its grip. Learning that Drigum was Tibetan, Shelley had asked him whether he was happy about his nation's freedom. She had expected an automatic Yes answer. But THIS Tibetan monk was a sellout for Beijing-- and was as persuasive as Saruman.

"Sadly, many of my fellow Tibetans are happy about the separation. But I lament anything which diminishes human oneness. As Christians, you two share my belief that unity and togetherness are the highest good, the only goal worth aiming for. All must join, all must agree, all must combine, all must share, all must walk the same path, all must accept each other without question. Separation is bad. Boundaries are bad. Let there be no more walls, only bridges. Bridges wide enough that the bringers of enlightenment may cross them and impose a unified order."

Lance's eyes went out of focus, as he replied, "Yes, all people must be one."

Shelley followed suit, adding, "All nations must be one."

Drigum smiled coldly. "And of course, some people will be MORE ONE than others."

The Heflins returned to America remembering the Tibetan monk only vaguely. It seemed to them that their missionary work had itself been the source of their new attitude. It seemed to them that Jesus had never taught any of that silly stuff about repentance and salvation. SURELY Jesus had always REALLY meant that uniform unity was the only gospel. Bringing people together, on any terms, under any rule, had to matter more than trifles like whether the Bible was true or not, or whether political officeholders ever needed to answer for their actions. Oneness was the one thing.
 
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In the Dune-derived sub-reality, the Calamari Emperor whom Paul Muddy-Drip had overthrown yet mercifully left alive was tired of being kept off stage. He had been left out of the action for so long-- and with a reduced supply of the Jalapeno that lengthened his life and maintained his health-- that he found he couldn't remember what his own parody-name was supposed to be, nor the parody-name of the planet where his diminished court lived in exile. So, for the benefit of the relatively few people who still cared what he said, he decided that he was Emperor Candham the Four-and-a-Half, and that his exile planet was called Lousy Sekondhanstor. His remaining adherents just went along with it.

Accordingly, on Planet Lousy Sekondhanstor, Emperor Emeritus Candham Calamari took what comfort he could from knowing that Eerilake, the smartest of his daughters, was being allowed to share in the adventures of House Ashtrayides. Although it had never worked out for Eerilake to start a revitalized imperial dynasty with Paul Muddy-Drip Ashtrayides, by even so much as tagging along with Trala-Lalia and Groan Starr she might gain something worthwhile.

On the plus side of the ledger, Candham did still have many highly qualified consultants on-planet with him, including Penny Jezebels and representatives of the Spaced-Out Guild. Also some Lazytaxies; and since Copperfox as parody-author would not let Lazytaxie females be treated so horribly as female Tleilaxu in Frank Herbert's actual books had been treated, Candham's Lazytaxie advisors included women.

Around the time when the joint Seedubb-Ashtrayides expedition raided Planet Greedy Crime and liberated four slave girls, a Lazytaxie woman called Petridisha requested an audience. When admitted to Candham's unimpressive compact throne room, Petridisha announced, "Your Majesty, I now have what is needed for the Goulash I was hoping one day to create!"

Candham gave her a bored look, although he was not really bored with her ideas. "Just be clear: do you mean goulash the food, or Goulash the refined cloning process?"

"The cloning process, Your Majesty. The answer was literally with us all along: in the furniture!" Petridisha was alluding to the fact that, when Paul Muddy-Drip had exiled the Calamari court to Lousy Sekondhanstor, he had stipulated that the only furniture the Calamaris could have in their shabby palace must be furniture which had formerly been used by the Ashtrayides family. This had been a pretty harmless bit of rubbing the losers' noses in their defeat; but now Petridisha had turned this fact to her advantage.

"Be so good as to explain what you mean, Petridisha."

"Of course, my Emperor. Although our Goulash of Bunkem Isotope didn't work out the way we hoped, the experience my people thereby gained in high-grade cloning was profitable. And now, I have ABSOLUTELY identified a hair taken from a divan cushion as having once grown on the head of DUKE NEATO THE PURE-HEARTED AND GENERALLY LIKEABLE."

Candham suddenly turned more cheerful than he had felt in years. "I get it! The nasty Lady Jazzica never got over the loss of Neato Ashtrayides. She never married again or even picked a boyfriend. If we could offer to let her have her Neato alive again--!! Well, it wouldn't put me back in charge of the Known Universe, but we certainly could gain some kind of reward."
 
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In the South America of "Federal Earth," interrogation of imprisoned bad guys continued. Right now, three evildoers were gathered in a conference room, not in chains and requiring no more guards than the multiple good guys talking with them.

The prisoners were Admiral Blender, former head of the Spacebullion Space Navy; Quarkie of East Filthopolis, the working-class woman Blender had fallen for after he found asylum on Greedy Crime; and the minimally-mutated Naughtygator Tupragon, a crew member from the Spaced-Out Guild jump-ship lately captured by Mighty Thorpe, Mopey-One Kanoli and other heroes. Good guys doing the questioning were Captain Pro Dashalong from the Republic of Lots of Worlds; Hoodunnit the Pensive of Hallpasscard; Lieutenant Lydia Jawad of the Starship Grunts, who had her cap set for Hoodunnit; and Tech Sergeant Benito Javier, who had been on outer-system outpost duty when Thorpe and company had first entered this solar system.

The three prisoners all realized that the iron-muscled Halpasscardian was capable of crushing them like three bags of potato ships with his bare hands. He opted simply to relax and look vaguely menacing, while the other three good guys did the interrogating.

Pro Dashalong opened: "Naughtygator Tupragon, we know now that you and Quarkie are on the losing side of one war, while Blender fled from his own defeat to share in your efforts to recover. Have the three of you spoken among yourselves, I mean before you arrived in this system, about whether you really believed you would succeed better here?"

"We were desperate. Seeing now the degree of mercy we've been shown as captives, maybe we could have tried making genuine friendly overtures here in the first place."

"Well, duh!" guffawed Benito, then tapped Pro on the shoulder. "Do you have the expression 'Well duh' where you come from?"

"Where I grew up, it's 'Well fraffo,' but I caught your meaning."

Lydia spoke to Tupragon also, since he was the greatest object of curiosity for them all. "If you could have taken over this Earth, do you think you would have gone on to secure control of their whole Human Federation? Complete with wiping out the Creepycrawlids?"

Tupragon shrugged. "You never get anywhere if you never try."

Benito now addressed the Naughtygator, while pointing at Blender. "I understand that your friend here did LOTS of trying. Tried to kill every living thing on a whole bloody planet, someplace outside your sub-universe. If he hadn't lost his own big ship, do you feel sure he and his lot would never have threatened your world?"

"As a matter of fact, even as a low-level Naughtygator, I can read the mazes of time well enough that I don't believe they would have dared commit such a transgression."

Unexpectedly, Hoodunnit weighed in: "We of Hallpasscard would be prepared to march against WHICHEVER side won in such a case."
 
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On the Big Island of Hawaii as it existed on Urth, Martin "Atomic Scalp" Alpert was being as close to a common tourist as he could manage. Everyone already knew that he was now on the side of good, so no one was afraid of him; he just needed to be careful about getting too close to anything combustible. Hundreds of people wanted to photograph him and converse with him.

But as he was touring a pineapple plantation with an ocean-overlook view, the seagoing superhero Howie Maui came air-surfing up to him, and shouted, "Scalpie! I've sensed that Kilauea is going to erupt hard, within the next three hours! I've alerted the police and fire departments to start evacuation; but even if no one gets killed, there'll be terrible property damage. Is there anything you can do to help?"

"I think so, if you can fly me to the location. We, I mean the Justified League, we've been experimenting with something--"

"All right. Yes, I can bring you along as I sky-surf. Let's go!"

Superdude and Superhottie were away for the Tachyon Loop experiment, so this was a job for Atomic Scalp, who could not be seriously harmed by any degree of heat as "low" as a volcano. Before the two heroes took off, Howie told bystanders to pass the word: superheroes requested that all air traffic be directed far away from Kilauea. Black Stingray brought up Splatlantean ships to evacuate people from threatened communities. Howie flew Martin as close to the volcano's mouth as he could withstand, before Martin dropped down to the rim. He believed he could DIVERT the lava's heat straight up, starting even before the eruption was underway.

It worked. He couldn't instantly re-solidify the lava when it surged upward, but he cooled it enough that it would not flow very far before it did solidify. A mighty plume of superheated air shot straight up, as far as the lower ionosphere. This continued for twenty minutes..... and finally, the Big Island was safe.

When Howie returned, the first thing he said was, "Martin! Do you realize that your head stopped burning?"

Atomic Scalp raised his fireproof hands to his bony head. "Holy smoke, almost literally! This is what we were experimenting on. Based on past experience, the shutoff won't be permanent, but call it progress."
 
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NOW TO LINGER ON SEEDUBB EARTH.

The Bats-Family, though lacking Duskwing and Goldfinch, was going into action after a stage of careful secret preparations.

Doctor Unusual by magical means, the staff of Spark Laboratories by scientific means, and Green Flashlight Ryan Pebbles by his means which straddled science and magic, were conducting every kind of long-range search they were able to perform, seeking clues to the whereabouts of Goldfinch and Marysuefire. Aquaticman, his wife Queen Maritima, and many other mer-people, including Princess Reelnyce and her new husband Beef Boy who could be a merman as much of the time as he needed to be, were doing all searching that could be done from the sea and in river deltas, concentrating on the Eastern Hemisphere. Spiderweb-Man, The Whoosh and Captain Patriot, assisted by several masked Mexican wrestlers who were friends of Luchador Hidalgo, were combing Latin America and the Caribbean for clues.

Which left the available members of the Bats-Family to work where they worked best, in North America.

Virgil Fixxit, Batfellow's tech wizard, piloted the Bat-Liner to carry Catfemale, Huntergirl, and his son Lucius who used the hero-name Flatwing, to start their search in Pacific City, this Earth's direct counterpart of Los Angeles. (It did call its movie district Hollywood.) Batfellow himself would work alone, starting in Saint Louis which was the same Saint Louis as on Original Earth, intending after this to prowl Central Municipality which was not very far from there. Thereafter, if necessary, to the northwestern states and even Canada.

And yes, Urbanopolis became the hunting ground for Harpy Nickelworth and her husband, the revitalized Alphonse Nickelworth. Not being accustomed to using Batfellow's whiz-bang devices, they resorted to some street theater.

When Alphonse had received magical renewal of his manhood, the good magic had not made him LOOK any younger. In the spirit of his boss Brutus Dwayne, Alphonse had not advertised his new fitness, preserving it as a secret weapon. This allowed him and Harpy to simulate a dramatic public breakup. Harpy had made sure, before they did this, to make love to her man with even more than her usual fervor, just so he would know absolutely that, contrary to what she would soon be saying for public consumption, she DIDN'T really consider him a disgusting old wreck, and she would NEVER tire of him.

At a swanky nightclub, Alphonse pretended to be suspicious that Harpy was planning to leave him for another man. In well-rehearsed stages, this led to a shouting match, which culminated in Harpy punching her husband in the face. He and his upholstered chair toppled sideways-- but only because Alphonse chose to fall over for dramatic effect. With his battlefield strength restored, Harpy could have punched his left cheek harder than she had, and still would scarcely have affected him at all. A waiter tried to intervene; but this waiter, whose presence Alphonse had arranged for, was actually a movie stuntman, who convincingly "collapsed" when Harpy also punched him.

Wailing that she wished she had never broken up with Wisecracker (though in fact it made her sick to say this even in pretense), she stormed out of the club, stopping only to pose when she saw someone raising a camera. The old Harpy Grinn would have done the same; and although in reality Harpy would rather die than return to evil, she needed for the present to pretend that she had indeed backslidden. She felt dirty play-acting this way; but she vowed to herself that as soon as she could drop the game, she would lavish EVEN MORE love than ever before upon her adored hero, "The Major."
 
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In Saint Louis, a concert stage set up on a highschool football field was a venue for Kenny Garth Jones and the Mustang Minstrels, the cowboy band which had been performing at the Country Kingdom resort when Aquaticman and other heroes had come searching for a kidnaped Princess Reelnyce. Kenny had provided a blonde wig for Princess Vixen when she temporarily lost her hair.

Brutus Dwayne, in a civilian sort of disguise to conceal both of his identities, was mingling with the fans crowded on foot near the stage. He was here because, hours ago, he had seen some people buying tickets for this show whom he tagged as ex-convicts. The glasses Brutus was wearing were linked to a face-recognition device, letting him know who they were although he had never arrested them himself. It was no crime for ex-convicts to attend a concert, and these particular ex-cons had no history of picking pockets at public events; but the biographies Brutus was able to call up yielded a red flag of sorts. These ex-cons, two men and two women, were all revealed as HATING COUNTRY MUSIC. They might, therefore, have some kind of hidden motive to come see the Mustang Minstrels.

In the end, no further sign ever emerged of wrongdoing on that foursome's part; but it proved fortuitous that Brutus had come to the show. If he had not attended, he might never have had the conversation with Kenny Garth Jones which came after the concert.

Kenny's wife Regina sought him out, saying, "Excuse me, but I think that Kenny an' I know some friends of yours. If y'all would join us backstage, we can ask you how your saddle-pals are gettin' on." Batfellow's instincts told him that Regina was okay, so he accompanied her to meet her famous husband.

= = = = = = = = = = = =

"Thanks for comin', Mister, um, sounds like the part of a sink that lets the water flow out." Kenny and Regina were the only people with Brutus Dwayne-Batfellow in the trailer, and the country star's whole manner projected important business. "Don't be shocked I guessed; got no superpowers, but I'm real good with faces and voices, and seein' the way a guy carries himself. You move around just like, one, you expect somebody to attack you from behind, and two, you're not scared'a them. To get to it, I'm sure you recall that a friend of yours, a friend with what you might call naval experience, visited Country Kingdom a while back, lookin' for a young lady who needed a little assistance." He meant Aquaticman, of course.

Brutus nodded. "Right, and that friend of mine was with a younger man who was particularly fond of the girl you mention." This meant Beef Boy, recently wedded to the "young lady."

"Kenny ain't talkin' about that evening directly," Regina put in. "But since you ARE someone who's friendly with good guys like them-all, he figures you an' they might could have use for what he's noticed."

"Yeah, what she said. Anyway, lots of Country Kingdom employees, an' folks living near there, are second- and third-generation Chinese-Americans. As American as you or me, but they all still got relatives living IN Communist China. Now think, Mister Dwayne: if you had uncles and aunts and cousins livin' someplace where the government might pitch 'em into jail anytime without no arrest warrant, and keep 'em there with no trial, I wouldn't blame you for wantin' to protect your blood kin from the likes of that."

Batfellow's eyes narrowed. "Are you leading up to saying that agents of Beijing are threatening the local Chinese-Americans with harm to their home-country relatives, in order to force the ones here to do something they wouldn't otherwise do?"

"Don't know it to be so for certain, but my gut says yeah, somethin' like that is happening.

"Soon after that evening when your friend that likes to swim was at the resort, a bunch'a Chinese tourists came through. Stereotypes be hanged, I can tell one Asian face from another, and of those newcomers, any of 'em I had the chance to see close up, none looked like any of the Asian tourists I ever met before then. That much don't prove nothin' against them; but it ALSO happened that, each time any of them spoke with any of our own Chinese folks, OUR Chinese looked scared all of a sudden. Still not a heap to go on; but more recently, after them two Teen Tryouts went missing, some of the SAME dubious tourists dropped by the resort again."

Brutus Dwayne was intrigued...... but he would not act in haste. Before putting on his mask and cape, he would have his henchman Virgil do some data searching in the Bat-Grotto.
 
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With his top scientist's long-distance aid, Batfellow gained enough clues to aim his efforts in the right direction. This direction was to the home of a Chinese-American Country Kingdom employee named Billy Shun, who was married to a Vietnamese-American woman named Heen, by whom he had five children.

Your omniscient narrator notes here that, on Seedubb Earth, Vietnam, Laos and Cambodia never had fallen into Communist enslavement, because here the free world had superheroes. One Thailand-born superhero active in the Sixties and Seventies, with Quickness Force powers much like The Whoosh, known to English speakers as the Stopwatch Man, had almost singlehandedly saved Southeast Asia from conquest, and this without killing anyone. Acting with marvelous precision, facilitated by the fact that his existence as a metahuman had stayed unknown until after he began this campaign, Stopwatch Man had captured a series of Communist leaders alive and pretty much unhurt, placing them secretly in the custody of his own government. Then he had gone on to capture as many as he could of the men who replaced his original prisoners, and then likewise THEIR replacements. The Ho Chi Minh of this Earth had soon thrown in the towel. The Mao Tse-Tung of this Earth had not become any less evil, but at least he had been a bit less confrontational on the global stage.

The way these earlier events affect Copperfox's narrative is that the non-occurrence of the Vietnam War on Seedubb had resulted in a gigantic upsurge of American commerce and tourism in Southeast Asia. The family trees of the above-mentioned Billy and Heen Shun had been formed by this, and thus Billy and Heen had no exact counterparts on Original Earth. Now let us return to the present time of our story......

# # # # # # # # # # #

Billy and Heen had taken their five children (of whom the eldest was age eight and could stay out late if it was with her parents) to a big party hosted by friends. When they entered their house, a hoarse voice told them in flawless Mandarin Chinese: "Listen closely! Do not be afraid, I mean you no harm, but I need to talk with you. I am The Man Who Is Also A Bat." When the Caped Campaigner showed himself, all five Shun children gasped, "Batfellow!!!" and lost all fear. The parents both uttered slightly different wordings of "Why are you here?"

Batfellow switched to English. "Good news to start. EVERY one of the Chinese agents currently within the United States who had anything to do with handling you as a resource, has been placed under arrest by superheroes. This was done in a way which proves that YOU did not cause them to be exposed." Before the youngsters could begin to react, Batfellow added: "Children, do not think badly of your parents for doing things that evil men forced them to do. Anything your parents did at the command of those agents was done out of a need to protect you from harm, and also to protect your cousins in China."

"But Mister Fellow, aren't there MORE agents where those came from?" Heen demanded. "What's to stop others from planning reprisals against us?"

"I don't blame you for asking that question. But when I said you would not appear to have turned against your handlers, I knew what I was saying. The arrests of 'your' agents came together with arrests of other agents who never had anything to do with anyone at Country Kingdom, and all of them were arrested for causes unconnected with events at the resort. Certain friends of mine used items of technology as bait, and your handlers were among the spies caught stealing those items.

"Which frees us to discuss matters which ARE connected with Country Kingdom. What was the cause for Chinese agents visiting you immediately after the events involving Aquaticman, and for their later followup?"

"At least I can answer that," replied Billy. "I oversee water aeration for the big pond at the resort. When my handlers found out how the mermaid princess was submerged in our pond for a while, they told me to collect any scales her body might have left in the water. I did find and hand over what I believed to be some of those. Their later visit was to ask whether-- well, anyone like you-- had inquired after the finding of such scales, to which I could truthfully answer No."

In English, Batfellow muttered, "Cloning. They want to breed their own mer-people. Arthur will want to know about this."

So this lead proved to have no identifiable bearing on the disappearance of Marysuefire and Goldfinch, but the information it did provide to Brutus Dwayne was worth knowing.
 
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Metaphorical camera does an old-fashioned whiz-pan, and we arrive at the Chinese island of Hainan. Lex Loozor, Marcie Glaze, Red Headbone, Doubleslick the large and upgraded female Face Twister, and Opposite Whoosh had been brought to the Indian Ocean coastline by the Red Chinese counterpart of Hamhanda Blubber, only she wasn't fat. Secretary Hui Kai-Ma was the highest-ranking civilian official to have regular personal interaction with the special guest villains; and, just as if she had read the previous post, she was now involving her guests in the matter of trying to produce Maoist mer-people.

"You understand, Secretary, that although I've been successfully adapted to breathe water, I'm not strong enough to change depth upward or downward as rapidly as the true mer-people are able to do. I have to go slow, to adapt to the pressure changes. And I can't make my legs fuse together as one fish-tail."

"That should be no problem," Secretary Hui assured her. "Just tell them you're from the Kingdom of Stubble, where the mer-people have legs just like Aquaticman."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Once she submerged, Doubleslick swam carefully downward, aiming for the undersea settlement of Leakymuria, a town established by some of the more adventurous of Prince Reelnyce's fellow mer-people. Accepted among them as a Stubbilian traveler, the Face Twister inquired after their town library. Written language had posed a challenge for underwater communities, but they had books of a sort. No one in Leakymuria saw anything amiss with a library visitor. There was nothing secret or sensitive in any of the books.

But spies can make use even of information which ISN'T secret. What Doubleslick was studying was perfectly innocent descriptions of the various ocean-floor cities connected with Tatlantis. This was an investment in future espionage. If China someday succeeded in creating imitation Tatlanteans, those mer-agents could use this knowledge to seem genuine.
 
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In the alternate Los Angeles known here as Pacific City, Saltina Kool Dwayne and her college-age daughter Elaine Jane Dwayne were busy being the wife and daughter of Brutus Dwayne, rather than Catfemale and Huntergirl. As rich ladies connected with a genuinely charitable tycoon, they could move in the open while fishing for clues to-- something. This Earth-variant had its own Silicon Valley, except that it was called Silicon Canyon; and leaders of high-tech industries, even if not bad guys themselves, might inadvertently furnish clues to bad-guy activity. Both women kept secret recording devices on their persons; their conversations at the first big party they attended were transmitted back to the Bat-Cloud in the Bat-Grotto.

Several new acquaintances even chatted about the scandal at the Dwayne Foundation: famed psychiatrist Harpy Grinn (those who spoke of this chose to feel that it would be insulting to Harpy to use her married surname) breaking up with her husband, who was a major shareholder in Dwayne Enterprises. It was at least potentially interesting to note which persons appeared to LIKE the idea of Harpy leaving Alphonse; worthwhile to see if in the future these people showed sympathy for the Wisecracker.

What often happens with car keys and reading glasses, can also happen in the business of crimefighting. In the midst of hunting for one thing, you find something else. On the day after that first party, on one of those lamp posts that people stick small posters on, Saltina noticed a poster advertising a service:

"ATTENTION, WOULD-BE CRIMINAL MASTERMINDS! ARE YOU JEOPARDIZING YOUR STATUS IN THE EVILNESS COMMUNITY BY FAILING TO MEET THE STANDARDS? DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT EVEN IN THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY, CERTAIN FUNDAMENTAL CLICHES MUST BE RESPECTED? IF YOU HAVE NOTHING IN YOUR PORTFOLIO MIMICKING THE GERMANY OF EIGHTY YEARS AGO, YOUR VILLAIN CREDENTIALS MAY BE CALLED INTO QUESTION!

"WE CAN HELP YOU TODAY. EVEN IF YOU AND THE FOLKS AT YOUR EVIL BUSINESS CORPORATION ARE BLACK, ASIAN OR LATINO, WE CAN MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE WHITE SUPREMACISTS. DON'T FAIL TO TICK THE OBLIGATORY BOX! DON'T GET LEFT OUT OF ALL THE MOVIES! CONTACT RENT-A-NAZI!!!!"

This was enough to make mother and daughter change into their hero-costumes for the first time on the trip. Even if the advertisement was only a joke, it might, so to speak, turn up a missing set of keys.

But since it still was daylight when they showed themselves in costume, they used a bit of misdirection. Allowing passers-by to come up and converse with them, they gave such people an explanation which was true as far as it went. In substance: "You know that most of our activity goes on east of the Missouri River, but we're interested to get better acquainted with the western states, in case a future investigation leads us this way. Batman, Evening-Wing and Flatwing? They're all engaged on active cases right now."

Saltina and Elaine were not yet aware that Evening-Wing had changed his hero-name to Duskwing.
 
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Flatwing was indeed on the job, albeit in his identity as Lucius Fixxit. He had spent most of the day touring electronics stores, looking for any interesting peripherals he didn't already have in his detective toolbox. But he had also kept his eyes open for any clues that chance or the will of God might send his way. When his personal data device received Elaine's photograph of the "Rent A Nazi" poster, he had not given it much thought; in the course of the day, he had already seen four copies of that poster, plus other posters that were even more bizarre.

But once he had made a useful purchase, he followed the line of inquiry urged by the ladies. Finding one of the "Rent A Nazi" posters, he surreptitiously tore off a piece which had no lettering to identify it. He had already noticed that the posters did not give an Everyweb address to go to for the organization; but he remembered how his father had once told him: "Not every answer is found by electronics." Flatwing's plan was to find a stationery store-- even in the California of Seedubb Earth, some people still knew how to write words on paper-- and ask whether they carried the same brand, weight and style of paper as was used in the posters.

The first stationery store he found was being manned by a beautiful and smart-looking girl his own age, with no ring on her left hand, {Lucius is black, but imagine the girl to be of any racial background you'd like her to be for his benefit} named Kelly-Faye Merrick. When presented with his paper sample, Kelly-Faye proved within three minutes that she knew the business she was employed in.

"Here, you see that we sell paper from the manufacturer of your sample. The company's an independent papermaker based in Oregon, called Birchbark Mills. Many theater companies, costume-play societies and independent video producers use paper products from that factory, because its owners donate often to the performing arts."

Then the "Rent A Nazi" advertisement might have been only a joke, Lucius reflected. But a joke people should easily understand, since it IS true that novels and movies NEVER get tired of depicting Hitler here, Hitler there, Nazi this, Nazi that. Still, I can urge Dad to research what kind of connections Birchbark Mills of Oregon has. "All right, Miss Merrick--"

"Please call me Kelly-Faye, Mister Fixxit." The store-minder's bright smile was rising in intensity. "I always follow online journals about prominent scientists, and I can tell that you are the son of Professor Virgil Fixxit who works for Dwayne Enterprises! I already heard that the big boss' wife and daughter are in town, and now I see YOU here too!"

Afraid though he was of making a fool of himself in front of an attractive single female, the obscure superhero forced himself to smile back at her. "Well, while I'm here, I'll buy two packages of that Birchbark Mills paper: one in ivory, the other light blue."

"Coming right up! And out of respect for Dwayne Enterprises and its charities, I'll offer you a special deal. I'll pay for both sheaves of paper out of my own salary...... if YOU will take me out for dinner tonight."

Lucius responded to this in what seemed the most realistic way for a crimefighter LESS respected than Spiderweb-Man to respond. "Um, uh, well, meaning no offense, Kelly-Faye, I can't guarantee that Missus and Miss Dwayne will be prepared to spend an evening with you on short notice."

She reached forward to stroke his left forearm with a graceful hand. "Poor shy genius! I'm not asking Brutus Dwayne's wife and daughter to take me on a date, I'm asking YOU! Your father isn't the only member of the Fixxit family I've seen mentioned in online journals of academic excellence! If I make you feel like I'm just a social climber and I don't like you for your own sake, you can make me pay the restaurant check and then tell me to get lost. But won't you take a little chance with me?"

Positively trembling with disbelief, the crimefighter Flatwing stammered, "Sure, yes, you'll give me a chance, I mean, that is, I'll give you a chance, I mean, will you go outside, go OUT with me?"

Pouring on the sweetness: "I was afraid you never would ask."

* * * And since the narrative will be shifting elsewhere, Copperfox now promises his readers that Kelly-Faye Merrick IS NOT evil, and has only good intentions toward our bashful hero. In fact, nothing happens on their first date which couldn't have been explicitly depicted on Dancing Lawn.
 
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ON BUBBLEWRAP FIVE:

"Those folks over there aren't really insectoids. They just need a special atmosphere to live, and their environment suits make them look like upright arthropods. We have hosted sapient insectoids here on occasion, though. But no, I don't mean 'hosted' like they were parasites. Anyway, Sergeant-Major, what was it you were going to tell me about gravity systems?"

A station police officer named Raquel Delgado was giving a station tour to Sergeant-Major Jacob Mossyhutch, formerly of Ringjonn Earth, a much-decorated veteran of the war to save that Earth's human race from the predatory Postalfiends. One or another of the dozens of we're-so-superior-we-can-do-anything-no-matter-what alien races who usually overcrowd any TV science-fiction universe had shipped Jacob to the Upsydaisylon System, in the expectation that his experience would prove useful to the Bubblewrap Coalition. Tagging along behind Raquel and Jacob, interested to know more about Ringjonn Earth, were two humanoids.

Duzeerlim (accent the second syllable) was a Mintcandybarri woman, a martially trained member of the Anflaktikshok order. The other humanoid was a skilled workman from Planet Braykpeddul: Trablo Kuldivan, who has already appeared previously in our story. Trablo and Duzeerlim, with others from their respective races, were on Bubblewrap Five because they were preparing to help defeat Thuglyfe Skrawn and the Empire of Evil Badness.

No, this was not the name of a rock-and-roll nostalgia band.

"When the Long-Distance Infantry was transported to combat zones on board Pindowny-built ships," Jacob told his guide and their two companions, "our time to destination was actually longer than the ship types you use; but where shipboard environment was concerned, we had literal generation of actual gravity force. And this was just part of the Pindowny's mastery of gravity. I'll soon talk further to your superiors about that."

Half an hour later, in the area of the station where trees grew, they were met by Ensign Gareth Ledyard, the most junior officer in the navigation department on the Earthlyforce warship Aggiemarbelon. "Deputy Delgado, thank you for guiding our guests. Duzeerlim, Trablo, Sergeant, it's time for you to come back to the destroyer to watch us onloading armaments."
 
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