Spacebullies Two: The Search For More Parody

Mopey-One Kanoli and Vin Gasleen stood on a parapet with Wall-Warden Stoograp, the commander of the town's twenty-three-man full-time Home Guard. (They also served as a sort of customs agents, where applicable.) Mopey-One was looking in Massage's direction, Stoograp was looking at Mopey-One, and Vin was looking at Stoograp. The Wall-Warden, armed with a bullet-rifle and a bayonet like his men, was telling the up-side master:

"No, she never hid her past from us, even though she could have prevented us from knowing anything, and even though much of it weighed heavily against her. We know how much injustice and loss she endured; she admits that others have suffered just as badly WITHOUT ever turning bad; she wishes now that she HADN'T given in to the down-side; and all of her dealings with us have been her effort to show that she NO LONGER IS that vicious killer."

"Did she ever talk about a certain down-sider called Count Spooky?"

"No, sir. She was never specific with names, beyond a couple of times mentioning Emperor Porkanbeen. Mostly would only say that she kept bad company for years. But she wouldn't shift blame; she kept stressing that her bad deeds were her own fault."

"Intriguing. How long ago was the first time you ever heard her speak in this way?"

"Five of our months ago."

Mopey-One caught Vin's eye. "That was long before I had any idea that I would ever come to this particular world."

Vin Gasleen was an army private, and a tall jock, but this did not require him to be a fool. "So this makes it very unlikely that she said those things with an advance plan to make you THINK she had turned good, when she really hadn't."

Mopey-One reached up to slap the big man's hard shoulder. "Exactly!" Turning to the shorter Stoograp: "That omission of hers weighs in her favor. Count Spooky had enormous power to confuse and mislead people, making them think wrong was right. It would be the most natural thing for someone faking remorse to plead, 'Count Spooky made me do it.' I in fact was always positive that Spooky WAS at least half responsible for Massage following the dark path. If she refused to toss her guilt onto him, even though she couldn't have known I would ever hear about her confession, then my take on it is that she TRULY IS sorry for her deeds."

"And so I am!" cried a husky female voice, coming from a set of stairs which led up to this parapet.
 
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Mopey-One had long understood that some near-human races were VERY close to humanity genetically-- they just didn't have hair, apart from usually eyelashes because those gave a practical benefit to anyone's eyes. The Tryyurluck race came to mind: they were hairless (except for eyelashes and eyebrows) and had those head-taiis instead, but scarcely a human existed anywhere who had seen Tryyurlucks of either sex and had NOT found them good-looking overall. It was universally agreed that those head-tails produced a visual effect of contours which took the place of hair in an esthetic sense.

The hairlessness of Massage Breathless was different. It offered no substitute for the feminine appeal of long, wavy hair. Hers was a bald head which did not apologize for being bald. Her total anatomy from the jawline down was not inferior to any human-like race, but her cranium said to the universe: Take it or leave it! I like the way look, and if you don't like it, that's your loss! Nonetheless, she knew that some human males did find her attractive.

The late Acne-Skin Spacewalker of honored memory had certainty noticed Massage's allure, but his unfailing devotion to Poormee Armadillo had shielded him against being influenced by the she-devil. Mopey-One lacked this particular form of immunity, because the only girl he had ever loved was long since deceased; but his ironclad faithfulness to duty, better developed in him than in Acne-Skin, had kept him on task, even when she actively tried to attract him. His indifference had enraged her, giving her a short-lived offensive advantage-- but Mopey-One's refined brilliance in defense had kept him alive.

At their first inconclusive duel, Mopey-One had not known Massage's past. Learning some of it later, he had begun to feel sorry for her-- which never stopped him from opposing the evil she did at Count Spooky's behest. At their subsequent encounters, as far as he could without losing the fight, he had tried to sense better what had led her into the ways of the down-side. But he had never felt that she appreciated his goodness.....

Until THIS moment, on the minor planet Kummanokkin, as he saw Massage Breathless looking at him with her guard entirely down. Literally down; she let him see her taking off her Fuss ring. Then she handed it to the Wall-Warden, who took it in his hand without understanding why she did this. She also dropped two hidden daggers onto the deck at Stoograp's foot. Then she drew a long breath, and addressed Mopey-One by his first name for the first time ever.

"Mopey.... One?"

His expression turned warmer. Seeing this, Vin Gasleen said to Stoograp, "What say we go debrief the convoy personnel?"

Neither Massage nor Mopey-One paid any attention to the departing pair, although Stoograp still was holding Massage's Fuss ring. Mopey-One looked Massage in the eye.

"Massage. You could have joined up with Admiral Skrawn. But here you are, doing good of your own accord."

"And here YOU are, Mopey-One. You could be hanging out with people who are noble and clean-minded, like yourself."

He gestured toward the caravan members, who were now boing-boing-boinging around the town square. "And you, Massage, have BECOME noble, or at least you're working on it."

Her eyes welled up with tears. "So does that please you?"

"It does, very much."

"Then why aren't you kissing me already? Don't you want to? The readers and I all want you to."

"I don't know HOW to kiss anyone."

She positively leaped into his arms, and began kissing him.
 
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The one-footer natives had seen humans or humanoids kissing before, but they had their own ways of showing affection. Rubbing noses together was their closest equivalent of a kiss; and as with kissing, their nose-rubbing could be nuanced to express romantic love, family love, friendship or gratitude.

By her conduct on this planet, Massage Breathless had never given anyone on the side of good any cause to fear her or dislike her. They knew Mopey-One only by reputation, but Massage had never said anything but good about her former enemy to anyone on Kummanokkin. So every witness to the fervent embrace between Massage and Mopey-One was purely pleased to see them getting together. The few who understood what a self-denying path of righteous duty Mopey-One had walked, were especially happy for him.

Copperfox felt the same way.

Coming up for air after the first forty-five seconds, the up-side hero murmured: "Some time-- later, not now-- let me tell you about my recently-gained friend Hoodunnit the Pensive. He also found love unexpectedly; also with a female warrior; and once love came to him, it suddenly was the most normal and obvi--" That was as far as Massage let him get before her mouth smothered his once more.

Everybody watching them was so delighted, that nobody noticed a gigantic, really disgusting monster-- imagine your own description for it-- lurching toward the town of Hidden Spring. But before this kaiju could kill anyone or break anything, it was slain. Its head was penetrated by four of the far-traveling projectiles from Jacob Mossyhutch's impossible gravity gun.

And the two Fuss users knew nothing about this until they emerged from each other's arms four minutes later, as an engaged couple.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
 
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By way of another hasty summary, let me now review, in no particular order, some UNRESOLVED SITUATIONS which have been left hanging for a while.

My version of the deposed Corrino Emperor in the early Dune books, never tiring of trying to regain some ground, had his available scientists produce a "Goulash clone" of my version of Duke Leto Atreides. In the actual books, this clone (renamed Miles Teg) was created many centuries after the original novels; but my version (Giles Magg) is contemporary in time with my ongoing characters.

Bad guys on Seedubb Earth devised a way to de-power Marysuefire, whereby said bad guys could capture her and Goldfinch. Batfellow, Flatwing, Green Crossbow, the reformed Harpy Grinn and other good guys have been searching for those two ever since. Harpy's method has involved pretending to form a new criminal gang.

My version of Zack Allen from Babylon Five is now married to my version of Hera Syndulia from Star Wars Rebels. After taking part in operations against my version of Grand Admiral Thrawn, the newlyweds don't know yet what they're going to do next.

On Punksteema, the "knowledge wizard" Felipe Catalano has plenty on his plate. Notably, he hopes to assist the very steampunkish scientist Jizbrol Tazaff in creating the most advanced airship yet seen in this story-world. Meanwhile, the villain Armando Casador, secretly serving the evil immortal Jaheg-Jorod, continues to develop new ordnance for naval warfare.

The super-villain Block Atom, helped by the sort-of-sorceress Princess Serrimu, achieved a non-violent semi-takeover of Planet Senphatori. (The locals believe Block and Serrimu to be good.) They succeeded in ambushing Superdude and Superhottie, whom they then confined in a red-sunlight environment. The "Tachyon Loop" experiment had increased contact between Senphatori and Urth, but Serrimu turned this into a chance to infiltrate Urth in anticipation of a less-friendly conquest there.

The well-meaning Duke Diskoduck, who belongs to my original setting that parodies the movie "Spaceballs," has made himself useful as a diplomat. He still is unaware that the beautiful space pilot Wilma Dearthing is in love with him.
 
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ON JERSEY EARTH:

In the Philadelphia, Pennsylvania of this Earth-variant, the two high-level Heart Sapphires who had accompanied Stairway-to-Heaven-cough-cough in the first landing were attempting to rally. Tahushio Bleebu (the one with six digits on each hand and foot) and Joza-Varu-Paf (the one with a longer neck than a true human would have) were dismayed to see how many of their fellow Sapphire Sisters were willing to negotiate in good faith with the Green Flashlights. Impatient for the expected reinforcements from New Laziness, and knowing that Green Flashlights would NEVER EVER harm anyone merely for non-violently opposing their will, Tahushio and Joza hit upon using Independence Hall as the gathering place for a pretense of leading a glorious liberation.

Three junior Sapphire Sisters who felt the same way as Tahushio and Joza performed a job which had been done before: transporting groups of Earthlings who approved of the Sapphires, to attend the crucial demonstration in Philadelphia. Everyone who agreed to participate was, of course, well fed for their trouble. Among these human volunteers was the teenage boy Sawyer Boyd, well known by now as an exceptionally enthusiastic toady for the Sisterhood.

Even some Heart Sapphires who desired an amicable accommodation with the Flashlights-- including Nolarivu Pamizo, and John Stewmeat let her know he was okay with it-- joined in getting Earth's news media up and running to cover the short-notice event in Philadelphia. Especially proactive about this was Yee-Mo-Mee-Baji, the Sister working in Thailand who had reached a cordial understanding with insectoid Flashlights. At the United Nations, meanwhile, Secretary-General Mike Tripleface gave a generic speech (to the dozen or so delegates who still would bother listening to him) about the need "to reject hate."

When reporters were present and ready at Independence Hall, Joza-Varu-Paf opened the event with a speech nearly identical to the speech Mister Tripleface had given an hour earlier. Neither speech directly accused the Green Flashlights of any wrongdoing, but both speeches insisted that the social order imposed by the Sisterhood was perfect and required no corrections. Most importantly, hate was the only evil, so no one who felt emotions of love and caring could ever be wrong.

Although some Earthlings still fully approved of the Heart Sapphires, not one person who heard Joza's words responded by saying, "I never thought of that! Good thing Sister Joza told us that hate was bad, or I would have spent all of this week hating people for no reason!" At the scene of the rally, Joza didn't invite questions; instead, she beckoned Sawyer Boyd to take the microphone, which he did.

"Thank you, Joza-Varu-Paf; thank you, Tahushio Bleebu; and my thanks to the assisting Sapphires, Kiptwee, Aldanish and Yabbadala. On behalf of all humans who understand LOVE, and on behalf of Mother Earth, I praise the Sisterhood for breaking the hateful, judgmental grip of logic and reality! Through your spiritual guidance, people have come to understand that feelings are everything. I have been so completely set free, that now I can reveal to you what my feelings have revealed to me. Since toxic masculinity exists only among humans, I have escaped from it by changing myself into a giant iguana lizard! Can everyone see my new tail?"

Sawyer, of course, had not changed his shape at all. But no one wanted the poor boy to be triggered, so they all agreed that he was now an iguana.
 
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In the highlands of Bolivia, Heart Sapphire Jitra Pooklar, who looked exactly like an Earthling Native American woman except for having a prehensile tail, had already been striving to restore broadcast media before the event in Philadelphia was planned. Thus, when Tahushio and Joza went on the air, Jitra was ready to broadcast the relayed signal, with her own Sapphire artifact providing translation to Spanish.

Two hours after the special program ended, Jitra was in a town square, meeting with her most loyal human supporters, when one of the insectoid Green Flashlights came into sight. She was carrying a Native boy around ten years old, whom she set on his feet in front of Jitra.

"Sapphire Sister Pooklar, this boy got to see the ocean once, and ever since then, he has wished he could change into a seagull. After the broadcast from Los Estados Unidos, he decided that only his feelings mattered. Therefore, he COULD become a seagull, and anyone who said no to this was guilty of hate speech. If I had not been close enough to levitate him to safety when he JUMPED OFF A CLIFF, he would now be a smelly red smear on a pile of boulders."

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

In a small town in China, a thirty-four-year-old mother and her sixteen-year-old daughter were locked in a fierce clinch, rolling on the ground together, screaming and pulling each other's hair. It was still an even fight when an African-looking Sapphire Sister named Pinmelta swooped down and pried them apart with a gentle energy wedge.

The first thing she said to the panting antagonists was, "What's the meaning of this undignified catfight? Don't you know that ALL women are supposed to be superhuman stone-shattering martial artists from infancy?" Shaking herself, she started over: "What's the meaning of this catfight? Don't you know that love is the answer to everything?"

The mother pointed at her daughter, gasping, "But that's the problem! She refuses to love me the way she should!"

The daughter gasped her own rebuttal: "SHE made up a ridiculous interpretation of your message about feelings! She said that she FEELS like a teenager, so this means that now she IS one, and I'm HER mother and I need to go work at HER office!"

Pinmelta's mind suddenly, belatedly felt the full weight of what it meant to say that logic and facts were insignificant. While she sat shaking her head in dismay, the mother and daughter got up, walked out of her sight around a corner, knelt facing each other, took hold of each other again, and resumed wrestling around. Quietly this time, in the hope that Pinmelta would not interfere again. After many minutes, they lay together exhausted and crying, then finally decided that they were both five-year-old girls.
 
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Back in Magnet City, New Jersey, Sharon Rockwell and her buddies were still watching the Dickey children. Staying at the firehouse, the kids listened to stories about "the old days"-- mere months ago --when fire departments had possessed all the technology they needed to extinguish dangerous blazes.

About the same time as the broadcast from Philadelphia began, Sharon was using her new Quickness Force to run a spiraling patrol all around the city. There were no more feral dogs to be seen; all of them had been either captured and re-tamed, or shot and eaten. All fish in the nearest river, and most of the frogs, had likewise been caught and eaten long since. Even fires were a great rarity now-- excepting trash fires, which were simply a necessity when garbage trucks had no fuel to do their job. Sharon paid attention to these only to make sure that they didn't spread outside their firepits or steel barrels.

Before heading back to the station, Sharon decided to visit a different kind of station: what had been the leading rock-and-metal music station for this county, before its infrastructure had been destroyed. An old highschool pal of Sharon's, named Vicki Tolson, who had been the afternoon disk jockey, owned a shortwave set, with a solar generator to power it. Since the Heart Sapphire invasion, Vicki had established ongoing voice comms with more than twenty similarly-equipped shortwave users in the United States and other countries, including Congo, Japan and Argentina.

When Sharon dropped in, Vicki told her the story (received from her Argentine contact) about the Bolivian boy jumping off a cliff. So Sharon-- who, reasonably enough, had picked up the hero-name Firestopper-- asked, "Was the Sapphire Sister in that incident anyone we've ever seen around here?"

"No. My gaucho friend says her name is something like Jipper Pipper, and he says she has a tail."

Sharon paused in thought, until Vicki asked her, "Why does the narration have you pausing in thought?"

"I was thinking about that Bolivian kid..... about how that Sapphire Sister didn't seem to have considered that the advice her people give is like if I urged kids to play with matches next to a pile of dry leaves." She paused again, then continued: "I still hope to have children before I'm too old; but somehow it NEVER occurred to me to wonder about the Heart Sapphires-- even about Nolarivu, who certainly loves Trace and Bess' children. I've never heard any of the Sapphire Sisters mention THEMSELVES having children. Do any of them have children?"

Sharon, of course, had not seen the post in which your author described one Sapphire Sister as coming from a long bloodline of Heart Sapphires. But given the information available to Sharon, her question was a valid one.
 
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...............................................

In New York City, the Sapphires' feeding operation was working better now, and the young Sapphire Aldanish had come over from Pennsylvania to assist Hayakeeba. Trace, Bess, Nolarivu, Jasmine, Jimmy, Sushi, and the non-human Green Flashlight Poradsimu held a serious powwow to decide their next move. Their eventual decision was that Sushi and Poradsimu should stand by near the United Nations for a while, waiting for any new developments. The other five would all head back down to Magnet City: not only because Trace and Bess lived there, but because for whatever reason, the Heart Sapphires themselves appeared to consider the place important.

Working together, Nolarivu and Bess were able to transport Jasmine, Trace and Jimmy with them into New Jersey. Waiting for them in Magnet City were Yabbadala and Kiptwee, the others who had assisted at the event staged by Tahushio Bleebu and Joza-Varu-Paf. Alerted to the homecoming, these two Sisters had brought the Dickey children back from the firehouse, because Sharon was on duty. Yabbadala and Kiptwee had also created some uncommonly good food for the family.

The two junior Sapphires impressed Trace as well-intentioned girls. When they asked if there were anything else they could do for the family, he replied, "I understand that the food you create keeps good for a long time, which is fortunate. Bess collects glass jars and metal containers for food storage; would you be so kind as to help her fill those up with additional provisions?"

"We're fine with that," replied Kiptwee. "But meaning no offense, Nolarivu, as well as your wife, can replenish food here."

Trace nodded. "Quite right, but only briefly, before Nolarivu heads back to where John Stewmeat is. But this request ISN'T about my own household. Now that I have increased power for crimefighting, I'm hoping to re-activate our county JAIL. That will mean feeding the prisoners, the more so if they are expected to do forced labor fixing the damage they've done."

The two young Sapphires looked at each other, and then Yabbadala said, "Captain, will you agree in return to allow us to observe your treatment of any such prisoners?"

"I have no objection to this. I'll be glad to let your whole Sisterhood see me cooperating with you on any reasonable point. And avoiding prisoner abuse is nothing but reasonable."

Celebrating a family reunion was the next priority. Organizing the jail could wait until morning. But Trace was not forgetting his wish to find out if there WAS something about Magnet City, other than John Stewmeat living here, which the Sisters had considered important.
 
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IF THE AUTHOR HAS NOT YET SPECIFICALLY DEPICTED a wedding taking place between Jimmy Strum and Jasmine Waterford, you are invited to assume that a clergyman was found in New Jersey who married them legally.

An abandoned house was found not far from the Dickey residence, which the new couple could use for the time being. Bess and (before she went back to New York) Nolarivu used their powers to get running water back on for that house. Local workers had made a priority of restoring municipal water supply; and to their credit, Kiptwee and Yabbadala took a space flight to bring back ice from a comet, which when brought to Magnet City could be treated to enable human consumption.

For their wedding night, Jimmy declared firmly: "In one matter I must put my foot down. For our first night, right through into morning, you MUST REMAIN in the body you were born with. I know that the kindly spirit you now have IS present in both of your physical shapes, but you need to realize in your bones that I do see that good spirit in your ORIGINAL shape as well as in the new one. If you want to be She-Hunk twenty-four-seven after tomorrow morning, that's fine. But we both need for you to have received my love WHILE you were in the older form."

She did as he asked, and neither of them had cause to regret it.

= = = = = = = = = = = =

From a different direction than the way Kiptwee and Yabbadala had gone to harvest frozen water, the Sapphire Sisterhood's reinforcements approached Earth, staying behind the Moon for concealment. They were unworried about the fact that one Sister had broken formation before the wormhole transit, preferring to visit Planet Jinobrid. It was hoped that she would gain psychological dominance over the human Green Flashlight working there, and even make him enjoy being dominated.

It was while waiting behind the Moon that Barndora and Wispy Mythical snapped out of their hypnosis, remembering all the facts. They themselves were carrying stunner weapons, as were Grrrryll and several others in the expeditionary force. A shared glance at their stunners, and then at each other, was enough to prove a shared thought between them: Are we SURE that all the weapons issued are non-lethal?
 
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ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO SEE WHAT THAT ONE SAPPHIRE SISTER IS UP TO.

Coming within sight of Jinobrid, the young Heart Sapphire Gambisu Luvardra (surname comes first), the one with long black hair and a subdued spottiness on her skin below the waist, was not pleased to see how much of the planet's surface was covered with ice. But this was to be expected, in view of the relatively feeble red dwarf star which it orbited. To strengthen her own resolve to meet the human Green Flashlight down there, she reminded herself that (well, duh) if there were oxygen-and-water-based life-forms native to this planet, then oxygen-and-water-based life-forms COULD live on it. Which meant that a man and a woman who loved each other could live together on Jinobrid, especially if they both possessed cosmic powers which could improve the life-sustaining potential of their surroundings.

But the Dahudoran girl supposed that she ought to MEET this male Flashlight, and make sure he wasn't already married, before she began planning their life together. Her superiors would not have accepted her unannounced deviation in course, if they had not been optimistic of her achieving a good result by her detour.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Down on the surface, Parbellik Magta had his mind on business, with no time to wonder whether a beautiful alien he had never heard of might be forming an infatuation for him, sight unseen. Since he had never needed to fight anyone during his time here, he decided he might use his rocket launcher for a peaceful application.

If he was ever going to fight anyone, the armor-piercing rockets would probably be more useful than the fragmentation warheads, because it was unacceptable to inflict collateral damage on innocent people. So he would keep the armor-piercing rockets, and use the fragmentation rockets for his new project.

From the start of the work by Flashlights and Hoofmarkians on Jinobrid, the possibility of erecting greenhouses in the frigid zones had been on the table. Word of this possibility had circulated around the planet. The Hoofmarkians, just by being more numerous on the ground, had surveyed all of those native nations which bordered on either ice cap. They had assessed each country's population, current food production versus need, quality of skilled workers, and other metrics. Not that there could never be more than one greenhouse project; but the first such undertaking needed to be a success, to get other nations interested.

Indabog had finalized the Flashlight Corps' evaluation of the Hoofmarkian survey before leaving the chilly planet. The consensus called for the prototype greenhouse project to occur in the modest-sized northern-hemisphere country of Karshtong, which Parbellik personally had never visited before this. But now, being shown where the Karshtongans wanted their greenhouse to stand, he flew to a position half a mile north of the minimum icecap extent, far enough that no civilians would be hit by anything, and fired his three fragmentation rockets straight down from overhead.

The first rocket penetrated ice; the second put a crater in bare frozen soil; and the last one ensured penetration of the permafrost to a good depth. Now it would be possible to sink a deep, stable foundation on the site. From here on, it was a job for centauroid engineers and laborers.

Parbellik was satisfied with his role in the project, which would strike a blow against possible future famines. But his own sense of legitimate pleasure took a strange turn. He felt as if someone were hovering next to him, sharing his enjoyment of an accomplishment which would benefit others. As if someone unfamiliar to him had just formed a highly favorable opinion of him.

Parbellik Magta knew of the existence of Heart Sapphires, but he had never met one before now.

Neither had he ever experienced romantic love. On his terrestroid homeworld, he had grown up as the equivalent of a highschool nerd. No one in his peer group had respected him very much. Yet it had been he, not anyone else on his whole planet, who had been found worthy to be the next wearer of an unattached Green Flashlight prosthesis. Only after going to Planet Wawa for training had he learned that his particular Flashlight artifact had formerly been worn by no fewer than six heroes of the Corps who had died very VERY heroically, saving innocent beings from horrible dooms. And the young man had sought ever since to be like those fallen heroes of the past.

Pausing outside of Jinobrid's atmosphere, the raven-haired Luvardra could sense Parbellik's idealistic goodness. She had come this far expecting to fall in love, and in love she was now. BIG time. Unfortunately, her Sapphire training had programmed her to assume that, if starting a relationship with this man, she would invariably be right in the event of any disagreement. Thus, in such a case, her very love for him would require her to attempt complete emotional dominance over him.

For his own good, of course.
 
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As Luvardra was descending through the clouds, her descent was briefly halted against her will. Something like an irregular-shaped door opened in the sky. Through the impossible opening, to STAND ON THE AIR, came what appeared to be a fourteen-year-old girl with a smirk on her face, dressed in denim.

"Who are you?" Luvardra naturally asked.

The smirk changed into a look of sincere surprise. "You mean you REALLY don't know? How can you not KNOW who I am, when everything is about me?"

Luvardra was irritated; this wasn't helping her to find her true love. "All right, WHOM is everything about?"

"About me, of course! I am the one and only ANTIMERICA CHUTZPAH!"

"Congratulations on being the only one of yourself. Do you mind if I go about my unimportant business?"

Antimerica lifted her nose. "Very well. Just remember that I am better than everyone everywhere at everything."

"Fine, good to meet you, don't let me stop you from finding more people to be better than."

Antimerica withdrew through her doorway in reality, and Luvardra resumed her search for a man who actually had a life.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

On the Earth-variant which shared a solar system with Hallpasscard, Antimerica Chutzpah appeared just as abruptly in the Oval Office which belonged to President Paden Glumm. She informed him, too, that everything was about her. Next she popped over to Hallpsasscard itself, to tell King Garryowen and Queen Sprigga that everything was about her. From there, it was onward to other worlds, because all worlds needed to know that everything was about Antimerica Chutzpah.
 
PLANET HIGHTONE AGAIN:

Black Giraffe had his neck extended for full sensory function, and thus was the first to detect Green Flashlight Lucy Luminous coming. Landing near her fellow denizen of Anime Earth, she told him and others with him that Master Ying in Beijing had updated her on events.

"A fellow Green Flashlight will be dropping by my Earth shortly: a sort of male giant ant named Tiptikditpip, who has been part of a big operation on another Earth-variant. It's gone well enough there that he can be spared to come and assist us. Before joining us here, Tiptikditpip will visit Panama to pick up Anteater Woman. Hopefully, her chosen alias goes over his head unremarked. But you've heard of her, Giraffe, haven't you?"

"Yes, vaguely. Pretty new to metahumanism. One of those plotline-convenient radioactive whatsits. Doesn't actually eat bugs, but she can turn her hands into powerful claws at will: can break through a half-inch thickness of steel. No more bulletproof than I am, though."

"Fortunately," a woman of the four-armed native race put in, "what we hear from Teerifica is that most fighting on Alwaysurnia is no more than scuffling and wrestling, with occasional gunfire that always misses."

Her four-armed husband added, "You might want to suggest to this Anteater Woman that she should strike backhand if she gets into a close-range fight with those claws of hers."

Walking up in the middle of this, Weapons-Man said, "Gunfire doesn't QUITE always miss on Alwaysurnia. I've known some really serious battles in which as many as EIGHT combatants in a thousand got killed." Then, somberly: "I myself have slain at least a dozen flesh-and-blood enemies in my thirty-eight years as an active soldier. But I can say truthfully that it was always both necessary and justified."

"Same goes for me," Lucy assured him.

Black Giraffe suddenly blurted out: "Attention! Listen, everyone! I've detected something! No time to explain, just listen to me! Everybody face west, right now! Trust me: we're in no actual danger, but it's better if we DON'T REACT to what's coming! Please, face west, and stay like that until she goes away!"

Everybody knew by now that Black Giraffe was a level-headed sort, never given to panic or silliness. Accordingly, they all turned to face west. Three seconds later, there was a crackling noise behind them. Four seconds after this, they all heard a female voice exclaiming:

"Rejoice and adore me, all you minor-league nobodies!! Your empty lives now have meaning, because I am here at last! I am the incomparable ANTIMERICA CHUTZPAH, and I'm here to inform you that everything is about ME!"

Clenching his teeth, and still not looking, Black Giraffe did say something in reply to the super-narcissist: "If everything is about you, could the things which are about you include HELPING US to liberate the planet Alwaysurnia?"

Antimerica didn't miss a beat. "Of course not! Putting down villains based on cartoons is beneath my goddess-type dignity. And if I did perform your job for you, some of you lesser beings might try to steal the credit! So, since you have such poor taste as NOT to stare in wonder at my supreme beauty, I'll be moving on. There are other worlds which still need to learn that everything is about me!"

Then she was gone, without her small audience ever having looked at her.
 
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Just when Green Flashlight Tiptikditpip located Anteater Woman in Panama and explained himself to her, they were joined by the brown-haired Swimmer Jupiter, who had just returned from a mission far away. Jupiter was physically the strongest of the Spacer Swimmers, and the second most attractive. Authorities in this Earth's NON-Communist Beijing had filled her in on where Swimmer Moon and her family had gone with other heroes.

Since the Swimmer Scouts were well known on this Earth, any misgivings Anteater Woman felt about a talking giant insect were appeased once Swimmer Jupiter endorsed him as a Green Flashlight. So the three of them flew to Hightone to join Swimmer Pluto and the others.

# # # # # # # # # # #

When the trio landed near Mugwumpa's modest planetary capital, seven Hightoners who had been issued rifles were practicing disassembling and reassembling them. Once familiar with the procedure, their extra hands made it go quickly. Swimmer Pluto notified them that their allies were coming, and told them not to be alarmed by the extra Green Flashlight looking like a gigantic ant.

As soon as possible, a strategy meeting was held, chaired by Weapons-Man. He opened the discussion by saying, "Our opposition will include magic-users: Ickylinn at a bare minimum, and Skamartistor may take our threat seriously enough to exert his own magic. So if we split our own forces, no team can be without a magical resource-- it being understood that the powers of the Spacer Swimmers count as magic. So, let's have some opinions about force composition."

Mighty Male rose to his feet. "Besides defense against evil spells, we must consider mobility. Apart from the ship in which Teerifica, her father and I came here-- and it wouldn't hold even half of our numbers anyway-- we can't rely on the use of any vehicles on Alwaysurnia. So, besides every combat team needing anti-magic defense, each team also must be able to get from place to place quickly. Swimmer Pluto, I know you could easily transport at least three companions with you; and Sorcery Lass can take at least five. But I don't know how much you others can do along that line." He looked at Tuxedo Dash. "Where's your wife?"

"She's outside," Swimmer Moon's husband explained, "getting it out of her system."

"Getting what out of her system?" asked Anteater Woman.

Tuxedo Dash sighed. "Listen at that window, and you'll hear her." Indeed, Swimmer Moon's voice could be heard--

"Crown of mental intensity! Pulsing tides of courage! Moonbeams of bright optimism! Wave of galactic ingenuity!"

Little Chipmunkyusa, seated next to her father, piped up: "Mom promised Dad that she wouldn't waste time chanting like that the next time a battle was on. So she's doing it now."

Weapons-Man asked Tuxedo Dash how capable his wife was for transporting others. The Batman-grade hero told him, "If Chipmunkyusa works with her, Moon can safely carry me plus one other hero. Don't count on more than that. I'd like to have Masked Biker with us, because he and I work together well."

The swordsman Bahavish Ogoshi interjected: "I want to be with Combatalot; he and I also have experience working together. And from what I hear about Anteater Woman, she would fit in well with us. All of us are suited to close combat."
 
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"Let's return to the mobility subject," said Sorcery Lass. "With the possible exception of Swimmer Pluto, I believe I can transport more companions at the same time than anyone else here." She looked at Mighty Male. "SIX at the very least, if I have a moment to concentrate before we take off."

"With the same proviso," Pluto told her, "I can safely take FOUR."

"Two can ride with me," said Swimmer Jupiter, "but they'll need to be physically touching me."

"I can take two or three," said Lucy Luminous. "Tiptikditpip can do the same; but I believe he should stay here to help Mugwumpa defend Hightone in case of a counterattack."

The insectoid Flashlight clarified: "Besides the concern that friendlies on Alwaysurnia might mistake me for an evil monster, I'm able to tunnel underground very quickly without using Flashlight energy. So I could prepare earthworks for defensive positions here, and a hiding place for myself to ambush invaders."

"All right," said Weapons-Man, "let's draw up a possible distribution of passengers. NOT with Alwaysurnians all together, because we want EVERY combat team to be recognized as being for the legitimate order on our world."

"Then let ME come too," requested Battery-Cat. "I'll be recognized there as surely as Mighty Male; and with Tiptikditpip staying here, I'm not needed for Hightone's defense."

"All right," said Mighty Male, "how about this distribution: Sorcery Lass takes Bahavish, Combatalot and Anteater Woman. Swimmer Moon--Tuxedo, can your wife also bring Masked Biker's motorcycle? --Good. Swimmer Moon takes her own family plus Masked Biker with his motorcycle."

"Wait a minute," Actual Teerifica objected. "No Alwaysurnians in that combination."

Mighty Male nodded. "You're right. Swimmer Jupiter, you said earlier that you have less experience carrying passengers than Moon or Pluto, What say we put you in tandem with Moon, with only two added passengers, myself and Battery-Cat." Looking at his feline steed: "If I have you to carry me like old times, we'll cover more ground. Looks like we can avoid sending any liberators who don't have an Alwaysurnian with them to prove legitimacy.

"Teerifica, you and Liquid Snake should go with Lucy Luminous. Which leaves Weapons-Man and Black Giraffe to go with Swimmer Pluto."

In order to save the readers from having to see the heroes restart the discussion from zero two pages later, everyone agreed with Mighty Male's plan for who traveled with whom. It remained to be decided who went WHERE.
 
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In the ocean-less arctic zone of Planet Punksteema, the Towerman Ronald of Goliad found something which made him smile and weep at once.

Something like a crate or cage made of dry bones lay in the path of his expedition. It contained chunks of coal: enough to make two overnight fires. Carved upon several of the bones was a mark, made of a double-yew above an aitch, with the two tops of the H touching the bottom points of the W.

"That was Wyatt Hickok!" the gunslinger-knight sobbed and laughed. "My best friend, same as a brother to me. He used to leave caches of useful things, just so someone would find them and use them after he had passed by. This pile's been here for YEARS, and nobody else noticed it until WE arrived." Ronald looked straight up into the sky. "I hope you see this, Wyatt; you've just helped us finish our polar crossing!"

"We need to keep Otto right next to the fire all night," said Hedrai. "He's harder hit by the chill than any of the rest of us." Otto Kergoff was the one who had been raised in the warm climate of the Tribal Union of Nizozu, east of the Gulf of Kobasan. The term "night" was flexible at this latitude, but the idea was clear enough.

Being kept continuously warm all of that night and the next night helped Otto, but it would be a while before he fully regained his strength. He requested, and was told, stories about Ronald's youthful adventures with Wyatt Hickok.

Once again, the obnoxious Antimerica Chutzpah showed herself, now teleporting in real time. She shouted that Otto SHOULD HAVE asked to hear stories about HER, because no one else mattered. Lester Grath, however, intervened on Ronald's behalf, exclaiming: "If you're so heroic, where are your battle scars?"

Antimerica started crying about hate speech, and how she wanted her safe space. When she departed through her time-space hole, no one missed her.
 
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Felipe Catalano's party, meanwhile, was hanging out for a time in the small but well-off state of Mifdola: still not far enough west to come up even with Colonel Roger Zaptrim who was marching east from Bamulica. Located around the same northern latitude as Heskadug which was the homeland of Ronald's friends Burzu and Hedrai, Mifdola enjoyed the largest reserve of gold ore in Punksteema's northern hemisphere. One reason why the Mifdolans HADN'T been overrun by greedy neighbors was because, early in their history, they had shown the foresight to use some of their gold to HIRE experts in weaponry, so that Mifdolan warriors using the very latest in armaments would be able to stand off three times their number in would-be plunderers.

The country's other advantage was that they knew how to tame tundra bears-- which were like Earth's polar bears, but larger, smarter, and more social in their instincts. When combined with up-to-date gunnery, tundra bears made an impressive deterrent against aggression.

Queen Sotavalit (accent the second syllable), the sixteen-year-old reigning monarch, was the only child of the much-loved King Feckladast, who had perished in a skiing accident. While the lady glassworker Sazka was acquiring purchasers for the gunsights she could make, and Sazka's daughter Heejee was showing her sniping rifle to Mifdolan army officers, Felipe received a special commission.

Queen Mother Yiltim-- an upper-class native of Kikoro, matched with Feckladast nineteen years ago because Mifdola and Kikoro had close commercial relations-- had made no attempt to succeed to the throne upon her husband's death. Rather than face hostility because she wasn't a fair-haired Mifdolan, the widowed queen had contented herself with becoming her daughter's top advisor. To be sure, Sotavalit conscientiously listened to all of her mother's advice, and followed it more often than not. It was at the Queen Mother's urging that Sotavalit hired Felipe for private magical work, whose REAL purpose was disclosed only to Felipe and to his trusted cousin Ysidro.

As arranged marriages went, the former queen's marriage had been far happier for both partners than most such unions. Notably, the late king had NOT blamed Yiltim at all when her first baby miscarried. If she had not loved him before this loss, she loved him profoundly afterward. Though not aware of any traitors in the realm, Yiltim wanted to be CERTAIN about whether her husband's death had really been accidental.
 
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At Felipe's request, Queen Mother Yiltim secretly provided numerous objects which might carry auras relating to the deceased. Logically, this included the late king's clothing and skis from the day of his demise. It also included objects which had been handled by any of several persons who might conceivably have had a grudge against Feckadast; also, where obtainable, documents or letters written by suspects.

While Felipe went to work on his truth-seeking magic, Ysidro passed some time with Queen Sotavalit's gunsmiths and armorers, learning the parts and uses of weapons and armor items. The oldest man among the armorers began showing him how to repair their firearms, of which the most advanced were lever-action rifles. Ysidro made sure this gentleman was aware that Sazka could fit telescopic sights on these rifles, though both men understood that if a rifleman were firing multiple shots in close succession, he wouldn't be able to keep his eye continuously at the scope.

Sazka had already begun working on scope-fitting for heavy single-shot bolt-action rifles, which were better suited for snipers anyway.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''

On the morning of the knowledge wizard's third day at his forensic assignment, Zoralee Jeralo and Billyboy-- having finally parted company in true friendship with Skagruth Johnston-- crossed the south border of Mifdola in a train. The recently-met Donnie Tonka was with them. The limited-coverage railway was wholly owned by Mifdolans, and people who tamed tundra bears wouldn't blink an eye when told that a doomrat was also tame; so Billyboy had for once been allowed to ride in the coach where his sister was seated.

Outside the royal palace, the lady detective displayed a copy of the telegram from Felipe which had led her here, and put in a good word for Mister Tonka. Yes, the guardsmen Zoralee met knew who she was, knew that the magician had invited her to come north; but even while making quarters available for her and her "housebroken monster," they politely advised her that the respected wizard was too busy to see her anytime in the next two hours. She concealed her annoyance at the very fact that Felipe couldn't or wouldn't drop the trivial business of merely serving a royal family in favor of hastening to fawn on her.

It was hard somehow to speak about this to Donnie Tonka. He always looked as if he knew more than he was telling.

Zoralee's indignation, however, was not so great as to spoil her appetite. She gladly accepted a free late breakfast at the guardsmen's dining hall; all the better, when she was assured that Billyboy could eat beside her. She found that there WERE some women in the guard force, and she ate with them. All of these women were impressed upon seeing that Billy could handle eating utensils and even drink from a cup. Mister Tonka, meanwhile, had gone to see local acquaintances, telling Zoralee that he would see her later.

After she and her transformed brother finished eating, she was approached by the airship designer Jizbrol Tazaff, who found that he and Zoralee could communicate some, using a commerce language. This was facilitated by Mister Jizbrol showing her sketches of his existing airships-- and one sketch of a possible trajectory for approaching Punksteema's low-flying moon.

This, more than hints in telegrams, impressed Zoralee with what might be the importance of the science project with which Felipe had become connected. For sure, if this project bore fruit, it might need an expert detective to run industrial security.
 
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JERSEY EARTH: \\\\ The second-wave Heart Sapphire force waited for the eastern United States to be in the dark hours after midnight. Highfyver, Stairway-to-Heaven-cough-cough, Rohavra and Grrrryll were displeased enough at the gains being made on Jersey Earth by the Green Flashlights; but the wild cards made it even worse. Highfyver was well enough informed about the universe, that he knew She-Hunk and the Strum siblings to be from Earth-Whichever, the world which had been Twerpseid's undoing. On top of THIS, two natives of Jersey Earth had just made the game still more complicated.

New Laziness rarely had any dealings with Star Wars-ish or Spaceballs-ish sub-realities; yet now the formidable Master Yoga-Rug, not even needing to visit Jersey Earth, had made wild cards out of Sharon Rockwell and her friend Captain Trace Dickey, bestowing powers on them which were not derived from the sources more familiar to New Laziness or Awkwardlisp. Not that the woman firefighter and the veteran police detective, by themselves, were a major threat to Highfyver's forces; but they were an unexpected factor. Neither the Heart Sapphires nor their immortal sponsor liked being on the receiving end of surprises.

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

Because Sharon was a special case in the bestowal of new powers, she had not expected to receive psionic talent like what Yoga-Rug and now Trace Dickey possessed. But the potential for premonitions proved to be a built-in thing for Fuss users.

Awakened by foreknowledge of a threat to her friends, Sharon sprang out of her firehouse bunk, tugged on sweatpants and running shoes, then ran at seventy miles per hour to the Dickey house. No Sapphire Sisters were there anymore except Bess Dickey herself, but Sharon FELT multiple presences in the sky above.

Woman to woman-- a wife, and a woman who was friends with the first woman's husband but in a pure and proper way-- Sharon and Bess had a kinship which long preceded either woman gaining special powers, Consequently, Bess woke up first of her family, before Sharon even reached her front door. Then Trace's Fuss power sensed Bess waking up next to him. It wasn't long before the Dickey children were up and had shoes on, ready to react to they knew not what.

Trace Dickey had no experience in wielding swords, and he had almost never wielded a police baton in recent years; therefore it would not come naturally to his Fuss power to form a light saber, even if he had been provided with a Fuss ring as a focus point. But something like boxing gloves made of light came into existence around his hands; and he intuitively knew that these energy-gauntlets would block attacks if he needed them to do so, yet would also still permit his flesh-and-bone hands to grasp things if he needed to grasp anything.

"Bess, one thing I know you can do is create a protective dome. If we try to get away now, that'll only put our neighbors in the line of fire if whoever's coming is aggressive enough. Keep yourself and the kids shielded; Sharon and I will see what can be done outside."

"One other thing that I know I can do," Bess told her husband, "is call Nola and John to get their tails back down here to help us!"
 
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Slightray, servant of Highfyver, was confident that the Sapphires could handle the disloyal Nolarivu without his aid. He went his own way, .hoping to find one of the more powerful Flashlights and vanquish him, her or it.

He had the bad luck to encounter the starfishoid Zuha Zuzob. When he tried to neutralize her by dazzling her with super-intense light, his attack had no effect on a being whose eyes responded only to infra-red and the radio spectrum. Zuha retaliated by capturing him inside an energy bubble, then carried him away to France, where two fellow Green Flashlights would help to confine and interrogate him.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Months ago, when Magnet City had had a worthless mayor but a strong and honest public-safety structure, Detective Captain Trace Dickey had stood outside his house in daylight, tensely watching exotically beautiful human-like aliens descending toward him. The tallest of the three who had landed then, was here now, but with a LOT more company. On the other hand, Captain Trace Dickey was now Jedi-Equivalent Trace Dickey; Bess now had the same powers as the alien Heart Sapphires; and Sharon Rockwell now could move almost like The Flash-- this last fact being the hole card which the extraterrestrial meddlers were least likely to anticipate.

With his light-gauntlets not active at the moment, Trace looked at the super-tall Stairway-to-Heaven-cough-cough, and spoke. He was betting that if he "commanded" her to do something that she already intended to do, she might not recognize his Fuss power nudging her to do it in a WAY which would be more to his advantage.

"All right, Da-da-da Da-da-da-da, ack! ack!-- tell me truthfully what your intentions are."

He was rewarded, if reward it was, with greater frankness than he had dared to think he could pry out of her. She was indeed caught off guard.

"Silly Earthling philosopher, you are offending us by always insisting on the importance of concrete facts. Rohavra and I, like all other top-level Sapphire Sisters and those who are close to earning high rank, are mildly sociopathic narcissists who want our emotional desires to overrule truth. Our actions often bring genuine benefits to lesser people, but this has to be on our terms. Although our law against killing, maiming or torturing people is genuine, WITHIN that restriction we are determined to impose our will on others wherever possible."

The one referred to as Rohavra gave her taller friend a horrified glance.

"Why did you tell him that? Our laws won't let us kill, injure or imprison him, I can sense that his mind is too strong to be forced to forget, and now he'll tell OTHER Earthlings what you revealed!"

A woman more muscular than any of the other new arrivals came to the fore. This was Grrrryll, and she carried some sort of raygun. "I can do something about it-- not kill him, don't worry, but put him out of action." And she raised her weapon. Trace's light-gauntlets activated-- but they were not yet needed.

Not too fast for eyes to follow, but faster than any of the invaders were prepared for, Sharon dashed at Grrrryll and snatched the raygun out of her hands. Having lost her super-strength when defeated by Erica Vincent, Grrrryll could not prevent Sharon from disarming her.
 
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All of the intruding Heart Sapphires put up their protective barriers to avoid being stunned. Attempting to regain control over the situation, Rohavra exclaimed, "Sisters, our self-esteem will prevail over hate!" Then she began a sort of chant, which the others took up repeating (though the briefly-disoriented Stairway-to-Heaven-cough-cough was slow to join in):

"Love is a feeling, so our feelings are love. Whatever is not love, is hate, so if thinking departs from feeling, then thinking is hate!"

Trace felt their cumulative will trying-- frankly, trying to make him as stupid as THEY were. But since he refused to submit, they had another argument to resort to. Suddenly Bess exclaimed, "Trace, they can SHOOT OUTWARD from inside their bubbles!" Her husband caught the correct inference, that some of the other Sapphires also had stunner weapons. Now his energy gauntlets came back on.

Since his rookie time as a beat cop, he had survived more than forty serious firefights, besides unarmed combat; so by now he had a solid foundation of combat instincts. Although his new adversaries didn't want to kill him (nor he them), they did want to PREVENT him from advancing the cause of sanity and reality. And his new Fuss powers picked right up where conventional police experience left off. He started purely on the defensive, and found himself hard pressed, because the stunners were not projectile weapons, nor strictly speaking beam weapons. The sonic force was not entirely stopped by his Fuss-based defense; his ears rang terribly; but his energy gauntlets reduced the impact enough that he could bear it and stay conscious.

Time to counterattack.

Selecting two Heart Sapphires who were close together about ten yards above the ground, Trace willed his telekinesis to become an extension of hand movements. His mind-over-matter power pierced right through their force bubbles, grasping the two women as giant hands would have done. Spreading his actual hands apart, then clapping them together, he swung the two Sapphire Sisters hard into each other. Their shields were much more able to soften the collision than to keep Trace's Fuss attack out in the first place; but they did both lose hold of their stun guns, which fell onto the street.

Numbers counted. In the moment it took for Trace to disarm two Sapphires, three others all hit him full force with their sonic shots. There certainly were too many stunner-equipped Sapphires for him to be able to concentrate on commanding any one of them to quit. But something else also counted. Even before becoming a Fuss adept, the veteran detective had already possessed a toughness which the Heart Sapphires, usually spared from any violence, could not begin to understand. This was a man who, more than once, had taken a bullet in the body but STILL had beaten his assailant unconscious before seeking medical aid. Trace was deaf now, and bleeding from the nostrils, but the pain only focused him.

Hitting on a more efficient tactic, since he could reach through their protective spheres, he simply began yanking their stunners out of their hands. For the next quarter-minute, it was raining sonic rifles. By the time Trace collapsed, not even one of his armed adversaries had managed to keep hold of her weapon.

Then it was Sharon's turn. Moving the fastest she had yet managed, she slammed against Sapphire force fields, throwing the women off their feet even though she could not hit them directly. Under cover of Sharon's counterattack, Bess frantically hastened to her husband's side, where she exerted all the healing power she could muster. Her efforts saved him from being permanently deaf.

At this point, the cavalry arrived.
 
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