Spacebullies Two: The Search For More Parody

Of all the beautiful Heart Sapphires who had set out to remake Jersey Earth in their own image, the one who was arguably the most lovely to behold-- was also the one most painfully floored by the epiphany.

This was Deezla Vozard, the woman who specialized in euthanasia. For her appearance, think of Amber Heard, if Amber Heard had been a good-hearted and well-meaning person.

Deezla didn't know how long she lay face down, sobbing with guilt. But at last, her agony of shame was interrupted by something lightly touching the back of her neck. It was an antenna, and it belonged to one of the female insectoid Green Flashlights. "Sit up," the insectoid said mildly. "I know who you are, and I understand why you feel ashamed. But the Creator deals in forgiveness, as well as in truth."

"I terminated hospitalized people who didn't ask to be terminated," the Sapphire Sister choked. "Many of them were deprived of a good farewell with their families, because I just assumed I knew what was best. You speak of the Creator, but I acted as if *I* were the Creator!"

"All this I understand," the insectoid assured her; "and HE understands. Yes, I said 'He.' Mercy, kindness and grace are not confined exclusively to females. He knows that you grew up in a civilization where euthanasia was routine; and He knows that the desire to end the suffering of someone who is dying anyway, is not evil in itself. Your intentions were good-- and I won't bother citing a human proverb about good intentions. You meant your actions as compassion, as relief to those in agony. To the extent that you went wrong, you can be corrected, rather than condemned."

Deezla wiped her eyes. "Can you help me with that?"

"Gladly. But we will also request added assistance from a human. In Magnet City, there is a woman called Sharon Rockwell, who works as a firefighter. She is a personal friend of Sister Bess Dickey, and has witnessed much of death, pain and grief. She will have good insights to offer. When you feel ready, we will fly to New Jersey and seek her out."
 
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The lobsteroid Green Flashlight Chubkripdak had initially landed in Kazakhstan, but had not felt he was accomplishing much there. He had found that many Kazakh men, perhaps as many as two in five, objected to the Heart Sapphires just because they were WOMEN wielding power. The same Kazakh men had indicated that they might have been okay with MALE humanoid extraterrestrials reducing humanity to a primitive existence. Because the Sapphire Sisters didn't seem to be overly concerned to hang on to Kazakhstan, Chubkripdak and his initial insectoid teammate had opted to try elsewhere. The insectoid had flown to Armenia, while Chubkripdak headed for Mexico.

Loitering a while near Lake Chapala for his comfort, Chubkripdak had conversed with any Mexican who would speak to him. Hearing tales of hardship from families who had not been able to see relatives in other states, he had soon begun doing the same thing many Sapphire Sisters had been doing: levitating large airplanes or other conveyances to transport groups of people quickly and safely over long distances.

He was in the middle of carrying three linked railroad cars in the direction of Guatemala when John Stewmeat and Nolarivu Pamizo locked up together to begin their not-at-all-battle. Intuitively realizing what the spreading energy from that epic embrace might cause, the gallant crustacean first finished delivering his passengers to their promised arrival point. Then he flew north, to see if he might get the chance to reason with one or more Heart Sapphires.

At a schoolyard in a town in the state of Mississippi, he found that two Sapphire Sisters-- probably each drawing resolve from the other one's presence-- were trying to hold the attention of a crowd of children. As an aid to this effort, the two Sapphires had evidently succeeded in creating genuine ICE CREAM: something none of the children had tasted in weeks. The more curvaceous of the two alien women was dishing out the treat, while the other, who had an exceptionally melodious voice, did the talking.

"Always remember, dear ones," she was telling the kids, "that it takes two sides to fight, and both sides are always equally guilty in war. If you stay peaceful, no one will ever attack you." She lost no time contradicting herself: "Because it takes two sides to fight, WHEN YOU ARE ATTACKED, you must not fight back. If you fight back when assaulted, you are MORE guilty than your attacker, because your defending yourself is what MAKES it a fight."

Descending in a spiral, Chubkripdak landed near the ice cream table. Because John Stewmeat lived on this Earth, all of the children understood what Green Flashlights were, so none of them were frightened of Chubkripdak. At least, not seriously frightened. But the two Heart Sapphires looked like old-fashioned movie vampires confronted with a large crucifix.

"Don't be afraid, juveniles! You may continue eating if you so choose. I am a friend of Green Flashlight John Stewmeat. Many of us are here now: not intending harm to you or to the Heart Sapphires, but seeing a need to-- improve on their improvements."

Three Earthling women were watching all this. Teachers, apparently, still trying to keep the school going. Looking in their direction, Chubkripdak said, "Instructors, if any of you has a recording device which still works, I recommend that you record the things I will say to those two ladies. Then you can play it back for other Earthlings, in view of the present lack of media."

One of them did have a device, a solar-powered one, and she did use it while the lobsteroid spoke to the two Sapphires in a similar way as the cricketoid Shimtuku had spoken to Lubtifor in Samoa.
 
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Nolarivu and John spent almost four hours continuously clinging to each other on the same spot in New York City. Then, with Bess Dickey's aid, they found separate places to sleep-- and each slept for more than thirteen hours. But the radiance of combined love and realism which had poured forth from them had influenced events all over Jersey Earth.

Fewer than half of the Heart Sapphire Sisters on this Earth had so far actually repudiated their gibberish; but those who still resisted John and Nolarivu's blended persuasion-field, were finding they could no longer convince anyone that the Flashlight Corps was "full of hate." As a corollary, most Earthlings were no longer finding the sight of the arthropod Flashlights frightening. Therefore, the male insectoid Flashlight Tiptikditpip, and the females Hobshimti and Wagdorda (no two being of the same species), all decided they no longer needed to stay with less-icky-to-humans fellow heroes.

To slant the outcome of independent ops in their own favor, the three insectoids agreed among themselves that they should visit a nation where the humans would casually EAT non-intelligent insects. Among the many such nations, Thailand finally stood out for them, because a Sapphire sister who had been active there had FULLY changed her mind in favor of the Flashlight Corps.

Thus, while John and Nolarivu were still resting from the great thing they had achieved, Wagdorda, Hobshimti and Tiptikditpip arrived in the heart of Bangkok, to be greeted by Sapphire Sister Yee-Mo-Mee-Baji, whose attractiveness to human male eyes was of a full-figured sort, mightily enhanced by the sweetest, most angelic-looking face among all the Sisters who had come to Jersey Earth. She shook hands with all three insectoid Flashlights without revulsion; then all four of them together held a press conference. Literally a PRESS conference-- because the damage the Sisterhood had inflicted on Jersey Earth's infrastructure meant that four billion Earthlings were without radio, television or internet. Print media, by contrast, could still operate under present conditions, thanks to a lot of improvisation and ingenuity.

Besides Thai reporters, journalists from Burma, Malaysia and Sri Lanka were also in attendance. Yee-Mo-Mee-Baji had personally flown some of these to Bangkok on short notice.

Wagdorda was the clearest speaker among the three arthropod superheroes, which made some difference for the listeners even though her Flashlight was interpreting her meaning for the minds of all hearers. Accordingly, she answered human questions on behalf of all three of them. When it was understood that she and Hobshimti were females of their respective species, Wagdorda had to be emphatic that no, they WOULD NEVER eat their mates. Yee-Mo-Mee-Baji spontaneously stepped in to take the pressure off of her new friends, by declaring: "Likewise, of all the seventy-two biped vertebrate races who have contributed members to the Sapphire Sisterhood, none have ever devoured THEIR mates either."

This hurdle behind them, the extraterrestrials were free to steer the discussion toward non-violent ways of repairing the damage inflicted on this world by Heart Sapphire zealotry. Yee-Mo-Mee-Baji would go down in Jersey Earth history as the first Sapphire Sister to confess for the public record that their heavy-handed "gentleness" had done at least as much harm as good.

THIS WOULD NOT ESCAPE THE NOTICE OF KING HIGHFYVER ON NEW LAZINESS......
 
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Night in Thailand was morning in New York City. Sushi Strum, the Woman Torch, went to check on Nolarivu Pamizo in the room Nolarivu had obtained to sleep in overnight. Her temporary lodging had water but no electricity; so Sushi used a little bit of her flame to heat up tea and instant oatmeal for the sweetheart of her ally John Stewmeat.

"Thank you, Miss Strum. I barely know you."

Sushi smiled warmly: the only way she COULD smile since becoming an incendiary metahuman. "We'll get to know each other better as this Earth begins rebuilding."

Nolarivu suddenly clutched her visitor's hand. "How much damage DID we do here? People unable to travel to meet loved ones? Old residential buildings not receiving needed repairs? People suffering malnutrition, because we ruined their agriculture, and we couldn't reach everyone quickly enough with our own food production? The most ordinary activities disrupted, because people couldn't communicate with each other to plan those activities? People following our advice to obey their feelings, and then showing that their feelings were all about hurting other people? I don't understand: other worlds have BENEFITED by our involvement-- but not this one. We made a felgercarbing mess!"

Sushi touched the other woman's cream-colored cheek, and fingered a bit of her dark blue hair. "I don't know what to say about your other interventions. Maybe you were less aggressive on the previous planets, or those planets had less technical infrastructure to BE disrupted. Maybe sometimes you dropped into the middle of a terrible mindless war, so that ANYTHING you did could only be an improvement."

Nolarivu nodded. "That was how it was on two planets where I was on the intervention force. But that still doesn't explain our failure HERE-- and to be honest, our failures on some other planets besides."

"Don't be too hard on yourself, Nola. Whatever happened before, NOW you have become part of the solution."

The blue woman briefly hugged the blonde woman's waist. "All of this needs to be analyzed. Sizzling solar flares, I just mentioned ANALYZING something! We Sapphires NEVER analyze anything --we always follow our hearts! Am I turning into a Green Flashlight myself now?"

"There could be worse things than becoming a Green Flashlight. But I think all you're turning into is someone a lot smarter."

During all this, Poradsimu was checking similarly on John Stewmeat, but their conversation was much less interesting.
 
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Hayakeeba the feeding-station Sister joined Nolarivu and Sushi, telling news which ought to have pleased her. As it was, she had to report, with an unhappy expression, that everyone all over New York City seemed to be hopeful and encouraged. Hayakeeba saved for last an item which apparently seemed the worst in her mind.

"Sister Bess is doing well, getting the citizens fed at a marvelous rate. But her PARTNER--!!"

Nolarivu peered at her senior. "Trace? Did something bad happen to my friend?"

Hayakeeba's orange face became a shade redder. "That man is your friend? I was afraid of this!"

Nolarivu rose to her feet, feeling annoyance for the first time since she had shared emotional oneness with John the day before. "EXCUSE me, Sister Hayakeeba, are you saying that Trace Dickey is a BAD choice of a friend for me? Trace is a kindred spirit with my beloved, like a brother to him; so are you also suggesting that John is bad for me? And maybe that Trace is bad for Bess?"

"If I called Mister Dickey a bad person," the elder Sapphire snorted. "I would be JUDGING, and we Sisters never judge."

Sushi, tired of Hayakeeba ignoring her, interjected: "Then why is it scary to you for Nola to be friends with CAPTAIN Dickey?"

The senior Sapphire frowned harder. "If you're about to insinuate that I dislike him simply for being a male, you're mistaken. We Heart Sapphires have nothing against males for being male. I would be equally concerned if Sister Bess were behaving the way her partner is."

"What way is that?" Nolarivu demanded.

"Acting like a military tyrant! Lining the hungry people up, forming ranks, like drilling soldiers for a war!"

"More like preventing anyone from getting knocked onto the pavement in a wild stampede," retorted Sushi.

"No! That kind of cold, unfeeling control never does any good in the end. On every world where we have brought healing, any opposition has always arisen from persons who value objective logic above compassion!"

None of the three women heard footsteps approaching the room, but just like that, Trace Dickey was right there.

"Sister Hayakeeba," the veteran detective's deep voice intoned, "you will stop haranguing my friends. Nolarivu and John did something more constructive yesterday than you're willing to admit, or even able to comprehend. You should go do something you CAN comprehend. If you don't like the way I was helping Bess on the serving line, go downstairs, out the exit, and keep order there yourself. This is the part where you leave the room."

If Hayakeeba had been spitefully faking when she professed worry about Trace's managing of the food line, the fear now emerging on her face was entirely real. Her limbs apparently were moving without her volition, and even her Sapphire implant seemed unable to break the hold which.... The Fuss.... had placed on her. When she returned to the feeding station where Bess Dickey still was serving hungry New Yorkers, she was given back the control of her muscles.

"Yes, it does work," Trace told Nolarivu and Sushi. "I hope someday to thank Master Yoga-Rug in person. She might have been able to block my control if she had known what was coming; but the way things have deteriorated, I'll take whatever advantages I can get."
 
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“When my brother and I first received our superpowers,” Woman Torch told Captain Dickey, “we immediately started testing them, figuring out just how much we COULD do with them. I think you need to do the same.”

“She’s right,” said Nolarivu. “Since this mind-control gift you have seems not to injure the subject, why not go ahead now and test it on us? We consent to that, right, Sushi?”

Sushi nodded. “Of course. It isn’t as if he would order us to kill ourselves. Try it, Captain. For our part, we’ll try NOT to obey you, so if we do obey, you’ll know it was your power compelling us. Don’t say in advance what you’ll call for, nor tell us in advance which of us you’re going to try commanding first.”

Trace nodded; paused in thought; faced Nolarivu-- but then said, “Woman Torch, I order you to lift your hands above your head and clap them three times.”

Nolarivu, looking past the detective, saw clearly that Sushi’s face bore a disturbed expression, as she raised her hands and clapped them-- only twice. Coming back to normal, Sushi gave a nervous laugh.

“All right, Captain, you’re not QUITE omnipotent. Someone warned in advance, and concentrating with all her might on resisting your will, may be able to thwart you; but that sure wasn’t easy for me.”

Trace nodded. “I didn’t really want to be omnipotent. But within cautionary limits, this power surely can be helpful if law-enforcement functions EVER go back to normal.”

Nolarivu patted her friend’s arm. “Yes, you could just command a criminal to drop his gun, and not have to shoot him.”

The police hero smiled. “But I see one small negative. From now on, any time I simply ask Bess or the children to do something, they’ll go into a silly robot act, pretending I’m using mind control on them.”

Nolarivu smiled back at him, then looked at Sushi. “I’ve seen how his family is. They kid each other gently and make jokes all the time. They include their friend Sharon in this, like she’s a favorite cousin. And yes, Sharon maintains proper emotional boundaries with Trace, and he with her, so there’s no awkwardness. They’ve all even kept their sense of humor during--” Nolarivu paused, lowering her eyes. “During the dangers and privations that MY Sisterhood caused for their city.”

Moving up alongside Trace, Sushi squeezed Nolarivu’s shoulder. “Trace, command her not to start crying! But seriously, Nola, it’s all right. Your intentions were always good, and now you have more insight, so you can produce results worthy of your good intentions.”

“She’s right,” Trace told his blue-skinned friend. “I know John well enough to know that, once you and he are married, he will both respect your willingness to gain more wisdom, and support you to the hilt in your exercise of that wisdom.”
 
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A HASTY SLAPDASH REVIEW:

On Seedubb Earth, Doctor Unusual kills the very dangerous Opposite Whoosh in legitimate self-defense, and refuses to be made to feel false guilt over it. Meanwhile, the Bats-Family, including Harpy Nickelworth working undercover, still is trying to determine what happened to Marysuefire and Goldfinch. My version of the VERY wise real-world radio host Dennis Prager makes a guest appearance.

My versions of Thor and Obi-Wan Kenobi, together with characters based on "Babylon Five," take part in liberating many slaves from the control of Thuglife Skrawn, who is the default leader of what remains of the Empire of Evil Badness. My Obi-Wan counterpart gains information about what has become of my version of Asajj Ventress, whom he wishes to lead to the up-side.

The majorly powerful villain Block Atom still is keeping it a secret that Superdude and Superhottie are his prisoners on Planet Senphatori. The Justified League on Urth (which is where Superdude and Superhottie live) is visited by prospective allies: multiple heroes from Earth-Whichever, arriving by way of a boom-tube from the liberated world of Awkwardlisp. Preston Vincent, the good guy who was given Twerpseid's powers and is now King of Awkwardlisp, is providing improved technology to good guys both from Earth-Whichever and from Federal Earth (the latter being the Earth-variant based on "Starship Troopers").

My versions of He-Man, Teela and Man-At-Arms are still hiding out on Planet Hightone, making plans with other heroes including my version of anime superheroine Sailor Pluto. My versions both of Planet Eternia and of Planet Etherea continue to experience cartoonish battles between good and evil characters, with NOBODY seriously trying to kill their opponents.

A posse including characters based on "Dune," and characters from Seedubb Earth, lands on my version of the planet Selusa Sekundus from Frank Herbert's novels. There they discover that the deposed and exiled galactic emperor based on Shaddam Corrino has had his Lazytaxie scientists create a Goulash clone of Duke Neato Ashtrayides the Pure-Hearted and Generally Likeable. Unlike my version of the cloned hero Duncan Idaho, the new clone Giles Magg has not received the actual spirit of his original, but he is a good guy in his own right, and is allowed to join the party of spacefaring good guys.

On my Stephen King-parody steampunk world, swashbuckling heroes from Bamulica, which was the first nation Ronald of Goliad arrived in when he was teleported from the south continent to the north continent, vanquish a horde of evil orc-like Bloody Diggers. Meanwhile, Ronald himself, with his apprentices and other friends, is journeying to a different part of the north continent, still seeking more information about Jaheg-Jorod's plague of undead walkers. Felipe Catalano, the good wizard from Gromstark who hopes to join forces with Ronald, still is working on overcoming the language barrier between himself and the airship designer Jizbrol Tazaff. And Zoralee the female detective, whose brother was transformed into a giant rat (though keeping his human soul), hopes to join forces with Felipe.

The Green Flashlight Corps continues its project of teaching science to the centaur-like natives of Planet Jinobrid, in the galaxy beyond the Red Streak Wormhole. This galaxy, by the way, is where I have located my version of the "Fourth World" planet New Genesis. My version of Green Lantern Killiwog, plus an original human character named Parbellik Magta, are continuing this project, in combination with ANOTHER centaur-like race which has respectable science own and wants to help its cousins on Jinobrid. The NON-humanoid Green Flashlights are diverted back to the Milky Way Galaxy, to assist Green Flashlight John Stewmeat on Jersey Earth.

Jersey Earth has been devastated both economically and sociologically by the Heart Sapphire Sisters, who embody what C.S. Lewis called "a tyranny exercised for the benefit of its victims." On the plus side, the Heart Sapphires have abolished war on this world; but their teaching of "always following your heart" has directly resulted in an INCREASE of individual crimes in every city, wherever no Sapphire Sister is personally present to stop them...... because, you guessed it, criminals are truly following THEIR hearts. The Green Flashlights, joined by some extra heroes, are now involved in a totally non-violent, but complicated and strenuous, effort to repair the damage.
 
>>> ON TERRA, THE EARTH-VARIANT WHERE MOST OF THE ACTION HAS BEEN IN AFRICA:

When Mutt Muckrake, alias Dreadfuldevil, returned to his world's version of New York City after his perilous adventure on the border of Spain, he had been dismayed to hear from Sherri Subpoena that his absence had caused him to miss out on several good opportunities to represent honest people in civil suits.

His paralegal Neal Stamos was tired of babysitting the two kittens Mutt had rescued before the overseas excursion. And there would be no new occasions to work with Denise McFogg at crimefighting. Their close brush with death in a spooky cave under the Pyrenees had made up Denise's mind that if she had to die in the line of duty, she would rather die protecting the people she knew and loved in the Southwest. So Denise was terminating her police-exchange position in Staten Island as soon as the program would allow.

But the aftermath of the adventure shared with Tarik Almohad was not yet finished. A secure gray-internet account which Mutt maintained for hero purposes was contacted by another participant in the recent adventure. Aviator Maureen Hawk's-Cry, leader of The Brickhawks, wanted to enlist new flyers to replace Pamela Lovejoy and Todd Morris, who had perished in the battle against the Sly Evolutionary. Prior to losing Todd and Pamela, none of her Brickhawks had died since she assumed command of the team. Not knowing she was approaching lawyer Mutt Muckrake, Maureen asked Dreadfuldevil to help her identify expert helicopter pilots, preferably military or emergency-response veterans, who were definitely on the side of good.

He messaged her back, as Dreadfuldevil, asking was she okay with him bringing other superheroes into the recruitment search. She was more than okay with it, so Mutt contacted Green Dart, The Kestrel, The Inquiry, Kimchee Man, and The Assegai. Within a week, these fellow heroes among them had produced twenty-three names to begin Maureen's screening process.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = =
 
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The American group home where Willy Bastion lived, when he wasn't away being Captain Sha-Na-Na, was known as The Marvellous Group Home for Disguised Superheroes Who Need to Avoid Answering for Their Long Absences. Willy's recent embarrassing experiences in Africa, with a micro-implant degrading his personality, had in the long run sobered him up a lot. He even had a steady paying job now, at a younger age than most, and had arranged with sorceror Conn Johnstantine to coordinate other heroes, in order to minimize the chances that Sha-Na-Na would be immediately needed at a time when Willy Bastion was needed at his job.

On an evening when Willy was cleaning up the hardware store after closing, the OTHER sorceror of his close acquaintance-- the one who had MADE Willy a superhero-- materialized between the flashlight batteries and the lightbulbs. "Is this a bad time?" the sorceror Mazash asked politely.

"I don't think so, sir. I've been handling most things better since Africa. What's up?"

"My only major failure in the hero-making business has popped up again. Almost thirty years ago, on a Terra-variant very far from here, I found a boy who SEEMED worthy to receive the kind of powers I would later give to you. His name was Rocky Donaldson, and he talked a good game of wanting to do noble deeds. I came up with the hero-name of Block Atom for him; I think the idea was that he could smash a stone block into atoms. But once he had the powers, Rocky decided to use them for evil, and made empty excuses to justify himself. When he sensed that I was preparing to cast a mighty spell that would revoke his powers, he fled into space. For decades, I had no news of him. Recently, however, my psychic surveillance of the universe detected a planet where Block Atom had shown himself.

"Senphatori is the planet Rocky had landed on. It has been in contact with yet another Terra-variant, called 'Oooorth.' Oooorth has many superheroes, who in a united effort would easily defeat Block Atom if he had no equivalent help; but he has the advantage that he knows about them, while they don't know about him. He is running a long game of divide-and-conquer; he has already isolated Oooorth's two strongest heroes, without the other heroes even realizing yet that foul play befell those two."

Willy's face turned solemn. "So do you want to send me to Senphatori, or to Oooorth, to fight Block Atom?"

"Yes, one of those places eventually-- when it works best for the narrative. Probably a cavalry-to-the-rescue sort of thing, you'll show up just when all hope seems lost. I'll stay in touch. Meanwhile, you might quietly look for someone who could fill in for you at the hardware store."
 
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* * * * * * * * * * * *

On the frontier planet Freesoil, a colony world affiliated with the Human Federation and the Stellar Assembly, the two fledgling Fuss users, Lylah Doxum and Krayzee Fireflaw, were making progress dealing with the peculiar limit upon their mind-over-matter abilities. They theoretically had to be fighting each other, for their Fuss powers to kick in. But over several weeks, with suggestions from the colony's wisest man, Denzel Powder, they had very nearly eliminated the problem. When a job needed to be done, the two women would do a rock-paper-scissors exchange, or say a few half-hearted insults to each other; then they found they could use their powers constructively.

Today, they moved rocks to a stream, enough to build the main body of a dam. Some colonists filled in the gaps with smaller stones, mud, and pieces of wood, while others dug away soil to form the new reservoir pond. The water began to back up, while Mister Powder watched closely to decide if the planned spillway needed to be altered.

The project was almost completed...... when the air turned icy..... and the many-tentacled form of the anti-god Kuth-Hula-Hoop materialized in the air. Everyone at the work site shuddered as it came down close to Denzel Powder. It was, however, looking at Lylah and Krayzee.

"My wayward slaves, I was briefly detained; but it seems to me that you should have accomplished some worthwhile evil in my absence. Where is Dark Headgear?"

In frightened confusion, Krayzee and Lylah gave contradictory answers. But before the hideous anti-god could react, Mister Powder drew its attention to himself. "Where Slick is now, is not your business. This world is not your property."

The fiend's tentacles whirled in fury. Any place I want to claim, IS my property! And YOUR property will now be a grave. I command you to die!!"

Denzel Powder, however, did not do anything that even resembled dying. "I have news for you, ugly-mug. My Earth had the author H.P. Lovecraft, and I've read his twisted stories. If the best you can do is imitate something from a sick man's fiction, I'm not impressed. Go find a Halloween party to entertain at. THIS world is under the authority of Jesus Christ, Who is NOT fictional; so get lost!"

The monster stared at the elderly saint in astonishment-- while all human onlookers lost their fear of it. Thwarted, Kuth-Hula-Hoop gave it up, and flew away to search for easier victims.

Krayzee asked the wise man: "If you can chase monsters away that easily, why did you need help against the Creepycrawlids?"

"Because those giant bugs could not do anything but kill us PHYSICALLY; and God's children still are subject to physical death until we arrive in Heaven. But that thing has the ability to do us ETERNAL harm-- if we permit it to do so."
 
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Dismayed by the setback, The fiend formerly held captive by Hector von Bootblack flew to the nearest Bad Place entry portal, where it described its experience to a demon called Gagsludge.

The demon told it: "The story-reality which gave life to Planet Freesoil is a purely scientific one, for which magic, even the quasi-magic of a Star Wars-related story-reality, is a departure from the norm. Since the usual inhabitants of that Robert Heinlein-related sub-universe have no fantasy resources to draw upon, our hated Enemy Above grants them a greater access to the FAITH-reality which prevails on Original Earth. Don't feel too discouraged about being driven away by this fellow Denzel Powder; quite a few of us have been thwarted by his faith in the disgusting Savior.

"The Original Earth mortal nicknamed Copperfox, who is narrating many portions of the Never-Stopping Story, once knew a man with the last name of Powder, who enjoyed a HORRIFYING closeness with our Enemy Above; so it's no wonder that the space colonist Denzel Powder could withstand you. I advise you to just write off the loss." (Being an evil spirit, Gagsludge was deliberately splitting that infinitive.)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Back on Freesoil, Slick "Dark Headgear" Mudpackis, Zoot Booter, and the Greedorks who had come to Freesoil with them, heard from colony leader Boone Crockett about Kuth-Hula-Hoop's failed attempt to regain control of the former space pirates.

"God willing," said Boone to Zoot, "this means that you and your fellows are now permanently rid of that Lovecraftian louse."

"Then I suppose this is a good moment for me to reveal something," said Slick. "I've decided that I'm a better personality fit with Krayzee than with Lylah. I hope there's no hard feelings, Lylah."

For an instant, the onlookers dreaded that Lylah and Krayzee would get into their first genuine knock-down-drag-out battle in many weeks, and this time with Fuss powers to use. But instead of attacking each other, the two she-pirates hugged and kissed each other, after which Krayzee went and embraced Slick. Then Lylah told everyone standing around: "I'm not upset, because The Fuss gave me a dream last night; Krayzee already knows. I dreamed that a strong, handsome, heroic man, one who is secure enough in his identity and self-worth that he won't be intimidated or put off by my Fuss powers, will soon be dropping in on us, and that he will fall in love with me at first sight."

She had scarcely completed the last sentence before everyone heard a rushing, whistling sound, like a bomb falling from the sky. But what struck the ground, barely missing Lylah, was a muscular man, costumed in a style rather like Conan the Barbarian. His weapons, however, included a large pistol of some kind, so he clearly wasn't that primitive.

Totally unhurt by his dramatic entrance, the man stood up, looking straight at Lylah Doxum. "My name is John Cardsharper, and I love you! I have telepathic abilities, therefore I know who and what you are; I know that you have changed from evil to good; and I know that you dreamed about meeting me. Here I am! Let's get married!"

"Yes, I will marry you!" Lylah exclaimed. "But perhaps three or four minutes of courtship first? Long enough that you can give us an idea of where you came from?"

"Of course, my love. I was born on an Earth-variant not greatly differing from Original Earth, but my home solar system has a version of Mars VERY different from Original Mars. It has a breathable atmosphere, and many native life forms. I had marvelous adventures there.... but then my new life was horribly disrupted by some sort of evil wizard called Doctor Dizwarn, who came from someplace called Filthopolis. Dizwarn changed me from a confident warrior into a useless wimp, so I couldn't accomplish anything, I couldn't win any woman's heart when I was such a loser, and I spent every Martian day feeling sorry for myself."

"Then what happened to rescue you from that situation?" asked the former Dark Headgear.

"I was rescued by a GOOD wizard, named Mazash, who specializes in promoting heroism. He sent me here, and he told me I would meet YOU, Lylah." Then John Cardsharper took Lylah in his mighty arms and kissed her tenderly. There was great rejoicing.
 
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The next day, the colony's one subspace-radio station picked up a call from a starship which belonged to the Greedork race. This was a ship trying to get away from the influence of Admiral Skrawn and the Empire of Evil Badness. It was a large spacecraft, but one capable of planetside landings.

The lady ex-pirate Grammurnatzia was manning the subspace radio, and consulted the Greedorks already on Freesoil. John and Lylah got in on the session, offering to apply BOTH of their mental powers to try to "vet" the approaching Greedorks. Both of them, listening to the radio dialogue, sensed that the newcomers were harmless.

Thus it came about that Freesoil had enough Greedorks living there to form a self-sustaining population of their species, with no fewer than three dozen couples able to produce children. John Cardsharper became involved right away in facilitating good interspecies relations, because he had lived among green-skinned people on his version of Mars.

The Freesoilers had the means to communicate with faraway Federal Earth at need, but rarely used their communications array to call that far, due to the energy cost. The newly-arrived Greedorks, however, were happy to make their ship's interstellar-talk suite available for use. These Greedorks were themselves unclear about what was going on between their own Star Wars-ish reality and the Freesoilers' Robert Heinlein-ish reality. So everyone concerned soon had the satisfaction of learning about subjects like the Hallpasscardians intervening on the side of good, and the Snarkonnens meddling for the side of evil.

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Not long after the acceptance of the Greedork newcomers, just as Krayzee and Lylah were getting back to preparing to marry Slick and John respectively, there was a less pleasing surprise. Out in a field, Zoot Booter was helping a colonist named Abner Littleton to repair one of the settlement's few tractors-- when a delicious female voice was heard from straight above them.

Out of the sky, wearing a sort of bare-shouldered leotard outfit which looked really good on her, descended a tall, stunning woman with deep-crimson hair. Her costume needed to expose her shoulders, because in addition to her head hair, large tails of crimson hair grew from the tops of her shoulders, like epaulettes. Adhering to her forehead was-- yeah, you guessed it.

"Greetings, unenlightened peasants," she crooned. Her mellow voice made her first words seem ALMOST not insulting. "I am Tiba-bo-Tola of the Heart Sapphire Sisterhood. I have come to lead you backward rustics away from your primary failings: oppressing women, and hating everyone who is different from you."

Zoot and Abner looked at each other. Then, moving around to the other side of the tractor, and, looking off at a distance, Abner called out, "Would you all please come over here for a minute?" Zoot, understanding Abner's action, caught Tiba-bo-Tola's eye and asked her, "Please, in your wisdom, tell us where you found out about our systemic injustices?"

Standing on the ground now, the alien redhead condescendingly touched Zoot's cheek with her graceful fingertips. "It's a universal, dear boy. I know that your settlement permits individual ownership of property! Any society NOT yet appreciating the oneness of the collective, is bound to be full of misogyny and xenophobia."

Those whom Abner had called now drew close. Krayzee and Lylah were levitating themselves, moving toward the Sapphire Sister with their feet a meter above the grass. Walking along with the human females were nine Greedorks, two of whom were younglings. With instinctive theatrical timing, Abner redirected Tiba-bo-Tola's attention to himself. "Wise one, please clarify. Which of our chronic sins is worse?" He pointed at the two Fuss-powered women. "Our enslavement of women?" Then, indicating the green-skinned nonhumans: "Or our hating everyone who's different?"

Tiba-bo-Tola was taken aback. Recovering, she touched her Sapphire implant for a moment, then replied to Abner: "I must have come to the wrong planet." More introspectively: "I must have taken a wrong turn at the Albakurkee Nebula. Very well, all of you have my permission to resume your daily activities." And away she flew, out of atmosphere and out of the lives of the Freesoilers.
 
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The weddings of Slick with Krayzee, and of John with Lylah, were conducted by Denzel Powder. At a suitable time after the weddings, the former Dark Headgear drew John Cardsharper aside for a guy-talk.

"John, I understand that you lived some while on an inhabitable version of Mars. Did it still have low gravity compared to your native planet?"

"Yes, it did. Yes, the human-equivalents there, and even the bigger green Martians, were strong for their own gravity well, but much weaker than I. Yes, they all found me intimidating. You know what, Slick? I can't help detecting other people's thoughts at close range, but in your case I'm pretty sure you can block my telepathy if you will your brain to block it. Courtesy moves me to suggest that you shut me out psychically, so our conversation will be more like talk between equals."

Slick nodded. "Purely in spoken words, now. Please tell me EXACTLY what this Dizwarn character did to you, to make you weak in spirit, until this up-sider Mazash intervened for you."

"I began well enough. I made friends, earned the respect of Martian warriors, didn't rub other people's noses in their being weaker than I was, but let them know not to take me lightly; protected the defenseless, intervened in times of disaster, encouraged the downfallen, stood for truth, enforced justice while making room for mercy. Sound good so far?"

Slick lowered his gaze. "I can't help sensing that you're speaking the truth. And you put me to shame. I'd better confess this now, since you'll find out sooner or later. Before I joined up with Zoot Booter and came to Freesoil, I was a leading player in an attempt to KILL EVERYONE on an entire planet. It was only good luck, no thanks to me, that those people WEREN'T killed."

"Sounds like divine mercy to me." John laid a calloused hand on the smaller man's shoulder. "You were spared from that massive blood guilt, and NOW you are on the side of good."

"Thank you. But now, more about your own experience?"

"Yes. Doctor Dizwarn passed himself off as a citizen of the city-state of Bojangla, and began attending all manner of public events and high-level conferences-- always events where I was in attendance, or at least someone close to me was there. He began dropping hints that I was horrible and wicked, simply for my being stronger than Martian men. This, despite the fact that I always offered peaceful settlement of quarrels where possible. Despite the fact that I always, always granted mercy to those who asked me for mercy.

"Whatever magic or science Dizwarn was using, he eventually caused ME to think that maybe I was guilty of being a bully after all. Then, after he had made me feel that I should avoid all conflict, he made a sly change to his programming or spellcasting or whatever. From suggesting that I was wrong ever to fight anyone, he shifted to convincing me that I was NOT EVEN ABLE to fight effectively.

"It got so bad that, in my confused mind, I believed BOTH that every woman I met was an unbeatable goddess who could slaughter me with her eyes closed, AND that every woman was a helpless victim, whom I personally was guilty of oppressing.

"But even this wasn't the limit. He dragged me beyond caring whether women were strong or weak. It became a matter of ME being supremely inferior, unable to accomplish anything. It was as if I were a literary character whom readers had loved, but Dizwarn was resolved to make them see me as a ridiculous failure. If Mazash hadn't come to Mars and rescued me, I would have been an incurable mental wreck."

Slick met John's eyes again. "Well, as you gave me credit for being on the up-side now, I'll give you credit for having your head together now."

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
 
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On board Bubblewrap Five in the Upsydaisylon System, Captain Elizabeth Broccoli had Ambassadors Veesix Lotto and J'Unkycar in her office, when a subspace call from Corin Webber was transferred to her console.

"If you haven't already heard, we did very well against the Empire of Evil Badness. Plenty of those Barnsmell creatures were killed, and at least a hundred thousand slaves were set free. The ship-design improvements given to us by the Republic of Lots of Worlds worked well against Admiral Skrawn's navy. Jake Mossyhutch made a good contribution with his physically-impossible gravity gun. He and Raquel ARE an item by now; and for her sake if no other cause, Jake is willing to keep working with us.

"I'm pretty confident that we can handle any future threat from the Empire. Therefore, I really want to unplug from the Shadything ship now, and be human again. While I'm still inside the cursed thing, I can make sure that all specifications for it are preserved for Earthlyforce databanks."

"Um, as for that," said Veesix, and trailed off. J'Unkycar picked it up: "I'm afraid it might be a little too soon for you to give up use of the terror-ship."

Captain Broccoli explained, "The Snitsnobbies and Goldarns are now under threat from the Glukks."

Because Corin had the knowledge of the departed-and-good-riddance Shadythings at his command, he knew that the Glukks were evil troll-ish aliens who had served the Shadythings, and who themselves possessed technology derived from Shadything tech.

Corin's robotic sigh was audible. "Captain, I'll consent to stay installed in the Shadything ship, and help fight the Glukks..... on ONE condition, which is not negotiable."

"What condition, Corin?"

"We know that Glukks are evil to the core, laugh at the very notion of kindness, and have no respect for any of our worlds and cultures. If I go to fight them, I will NOT permit anyone to tell me that killing them 'makes me just as bad as they are'."

 
Around this time, Bubblewrap Five had received its first Earth-assigned human telepath since the departure of Brita Alkaselzer. Her name was Chelsea Sandalzon, and she had grown up on an Earth-settled planet, where she became notorious for exposing an evil mad scientist named Ropadope. This had almost cost Chelsea her life at the claws of a bear-like native beast programmed by Ropadope; but surviving this close call had left her smarter, and more sensitive in her telepathic reading skills.

Chelsea had been too far out on the galactic boondocks to play a part in the war against the Shadythings, but she had learned all about Brita Alkaselzer's daring exploits in that war. When Lieutenant-Commander Josh Cordwood, executive officer of the Bubblewrap station (just lately returned from fighting against the Barnsmell), had contacted her about helping Corin Webber against the Glukks, Chelsea had been pulled two ways. On one side, although telepaths had proven to have power against the Shadythings, and although the one remaining Shadything ship was human-controlled, she still shuddered at the thought of being in or even close to one of the horrid spidery ships. But on the other side, she felt bad about not having helped against the Shadythings before.

At last, she had come to Bubblewrap Five. As positive reinforcement for her involvement in the new conflict, Master Drool down on the planet gave her an intriguing tour of the Great Artifact installation. This included letting her "hitch-hike" telepathically as he mentally visited three distant worlds that she had never heard of before.

The Bubblewrap Council judged that a move against the Glukks would involve ground combat. When Woodrow Ackerman returned in his armed transport ship the Queen Yessa, his wife the Braykpedduli Ambassador broke some news to him. Since he had acquitted himself well in the operation against Admiral Skrawn, the Mintcandybarri wanted him to participate in the new campaign, carrying the surviving members of the Anflaktikshok warrior band which he had carried into action before. The Mintcandybarri warrior woman Duzeerlim, who had inherited command of the Anflaktikshok after the heroic death of Master Kolaklop, added her urging for Woodrow to sign on for the new mission.

Yessa Ackerman gave her blessing to her human love going out to war again-- AFTER Woodrow promised, in the presence of the telepath Chelsea Sandalzon, that he would take no unnecessary risks on the new mission, and that after it was done he would return to his normal freight business. In this connection, he also promised never to wear a red shirt.
 
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>>> ON URTH, WHERE THE JUSTIFIED LEAGUE EXISTS......

Two of the visitors from Awkwardlisp, the antler-headed Exohern and the tough chick Phormidba, joined Black Parakeet and Nonwhite Lightning to visit a museum of superheroes, which was also being visited just now by some of the Senphatorians. Black Parakeet's now-retired mother Saffron Landis was among the heroes honored here. She had been called Blonde Canary, and had passed her sonic power to Parakeet, born Lorelei Landis. Lorelei was now going about in her original (i.e. from birth) white-girl appearance. Nonwhite Lightning liked her just fine as a black girl, but had wanted at least once to see her other appearance. Parakeet took this in a positive way, recognizing his overall interest in her. Still, she couldn't resist joking, "You'd better not cheat on me with me, or I'll get in a fight with myself."

Though the Senphatorians were biologically indistinguishable from people on the "actual Earths," their world's history had never had a close counterpart of America's cowboy era. Therefore, many of the Senphatorians were fascinated by statues of two Old Western heroes. Chief Brave Condor of the Pima Indians, depicted wearing a red cloak, had been able to turn into an actual condor. Jonas Helix, depicted standing in front of an Old West jail, had possessed psychic powers. In the case of Jonas Helix's statue, the jail mockup was there because, on several occasions, Mister Helix had guarded jails to prevent mobs from lynching outlaws he had captured.

One of the offworlders, a fortyish woman called Veelo Bamrac, was looking back and forth and back and forth between these two statues. As a fellow offworlder on Urth, Phormidba watched the smaller Senphatorian woman closely but said nothing. Nonwhite Lightning, a more outgoing personality, noticed that Phormidba was noticing that Miss Bamrac was noticing something, but did not speak. So he walked up to the Senphatorian woman, and broke the ice.

"Excuse me, miss, am I right that you're from Senphatori?"

"Yes, my name is Veelo Bamrac. And are you Urthian or Awkwardlispian?"

"I'm Urthian. So is Black Parakeet. Exohern and Phormidba came here from Awkwardlisp."

Veelo nodded, then looked at Exohern. "Sorry, sir, I should have figured it out with you at once."

"No problem," said the one-of-a-kind demi-human. "All of us are curious about those two early Urthian superheroes."

Emboldened by others talking, Phormidba now spoke up: "Miss Bamrac, you've been here longer than Exohern and I have. Do you know something about those old-time heroes?"

Veelo shook her head. "I don't know anything about them. But something about the appearance of the statues-- I wish I understood, but there's SOMETHING about them. Sorry, I'm not making sense."

"It's all right," Black Parakeet soothed. "No one can expect you to sort out the history of a different planet after only a couple of weeks, even when plotline convenience allows you to communicate freely with everyone."

But Parakeet was not so casual inside her mind. She had done a lot of detective work in her time, so she tried to connect the possible dots. A prison being depicted; a red cloak; a specifically Senphatorian onlooker being the one trying to interpret those details.....

Veelo Bamrac's home planet had been visited by two persons who wore red capes, and who were overdue coming home. Then what about the mockup of --a prison? And if Superdude and Superhottie had somehow been imprisoned on Senphatori, why would Senphatorian people have no memory of such a dramatic event?
 
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At the soonest opportunity after this, Black Parakeet and Nonwhite Lightning went to see Charles Crazier at his office. It had always been intended for Lightning, as a new member, to meet the League's E.S.P. consultant; and Exohern wheedled his way into being allowed to come along.

When the three metahumans were admitted to Crazier's office, the wheelchair-bound psionic looked at Lightning an said, "Welcome, Jeff, and you, Exohern. You're both fine, how am I?" When the uncomprehending male visitors looked at each other, Professor Crazier added, "It's a telepath joke, don't worry about it. Jeff, or Lightning, I already perceive that you are as noble and good as we could possibly wish you to be. I'm particularly impressed by your NOT accepting disability money on false pretenses. And yes, Lorelei IS as much attracted to you as you are to her. You'll both need to make sure you honestly discuss your values and priorities, but your chances of a successful relationship are excellent.

"As for you, Mister Exohern, I detect that you have done a better job than most people ever do of coping with 'being different.' Please don't feel embarrassed about the fact that you are barely seven years old. It isn't your fault that Twerpseid's bio-researchers accelerated your growth rate, and implanted information in your brain so you would be equally educated as if you had lived a normal human length of youth. It stinks that your planned maximum longevity is no more than thirty years; but I believe the scientists regarded your accelerated CONSCIOUSNESS as compensation."

"That's at least partly true. As far as I'm able to compare myself with slow-living people, recalling my experience of living in my seven years --noting that only my first four months could be considered infancy-- I have subjectively done as much living as if I had been around for at least fifteen years. I actually like it that you can take in my thoughts as fast as thinking your own thoughts; I'm speaking with my mouth as a courtesy to the others, but some time I'd love to think at you privately, full speed for MY brain."

"That will be rewarding," Crazier assured him; "and I'll wager that someone back on Awkwardlisp can adjust your life-speed so you can live longer in objective time, yet not lose your speed advantages." An instant later, the telepath looked at Lightning and Parakeet, and shot words into their brains:

"EXOHERN SAYS HE CAN WAIT FOR A SOLUTION TO HIS RAPID-AGING ISSUE. HE JUST REVIEWED FOR ME THE WHOLE BUSINESS WITH VEELO BAMRAC AT THE MUSEUM, AS HE EXPERIENCED IT. YES, LORELEI, IT _DOES_ APPEAR AS IF SHE WAS TRYING TO PUT SOMETHING TOGETHER; AND INDEED THIS _MIGHT_ HAVE A BEARING ON WHY CORKY AND CLARA HAVEN'T COME HOME. I'LL BRAINSTORM WITH THE RESEARCHERS EMPLOYED BY THE JUSTIFIED LEAGUE, ABOUT HOW BEST TO STUDY OUR SENPHATORIAN GUESTS FOR SIGNS THAT THEIR MINDS WERE TAMPERED WITH BEFORE THEY EVER CAME HERE."
 
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Seven hours later, when it was daytime in Cambodia, Greg and Ruby Sutter were finally back on their honeymoon. Clean Hornet, Squire Vindictive, Petsarat Kingpavong and several other heroes were handling the picking of the brains of the incompetent soldiers whom King Highfyver had sent to make contact. Tapper Cossack and Aluminum Banshee were staying not far away from the Sutters, who headed back to the city where a nail artist named Kongkea Hurhua had recently done Ruby's nails. Now, unexpectedly, Kongkea sought Ruby out.

In the most inconspicuous place the nail artist could find, she told Ruby:

"Super-villains in this part of the world have been showing themselves more this year than I can remember ever before. So there's been more news about them than usual-- which includes descriptions. Less than a month ago, I served a customer calling herself Kung Su-Chi, who had a physical feature I never saw before. The palms of both her hands had identical cracks or creases in the skin, which I now realize are just what the super-villainess Hand-Eye must have on her hands.

"I didn't try to get a photograph of her at that time; and now I'm glad I didn't. If I had photographed her, and she knew I did so, I would probably be dead now, and my whole family with me. But at least now you know that she has been in these parts."

Ruby paused for ten seconds to think, then: "I believe that Cambodian law enforcement possesses graphic face-reconstruction software. If there's a way to do it without endangering you, they could show you morphing faces, until they present one that you say looks like this Hand-Eye. But don't do anything that you think might put your life at risk. There are other ways of catching that villainess."

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^
Meanwhile, in America, Charles Crazier activated S.P.A.M.-- his Secret Plotline-Advancing Machine-- to amplify his mental search ability. It was a two-edged sword for him: not easy to sort through hundreds or thousands of thinking minds in any populated area. But for the sake of the narrative, since I've long delayed good guys finding out what happened to the Tonkrypian cousins, Crazier did accomplish something. He did not at this time uncover the present whereabouts of Superdude and Superhottie; but, importantly, the psychic professor determined that ALL of the visiting Senphatorians had been tampered with. He was sure that none of them was at fault for anything; but someone had misled, hypnotized or deceived them-- about something-- before they ever flew to Urth via the Tachyon Loop.
 
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REPEATING WHO WAS IN THE ASHTRAYIDES POSSE:

On board Waterpark One (the smallest, built on the planet Waterpark) -- Ulysses Bardette, Stillneater Ashtrayides, motorcycle cop Chip Thursday, and the masked wrestler Luchador Hidalgo.

On board Sky Queen (built on the planet Lousy Sekondhanstor)-- Lady Jazzica Ashtrayides, Eerilake Calamari, Maritima of Tatlantis, Gladiola Ashtrayides, Fluralida of the Penny Jezebels, Raisin of the Teen Tryouts, Bot Index, and four slave women rescued from the Snarkonnens. (The lady robot Bot Index had by now downloaded all necessary information to be able to pilot the ship herself if needed. Her sweetheart the cyborg had done likewise on Groan Starr's ship.)

On board Selenium Falcon (counterpart of the "Winnebago" in the movie "Spaceballs")-- Puke from Planet Kashorchek, Trala-Lalia Ashtrayides, her husband Bunkem Isotope, Spiderweb-Man, Cyberdork and Duskwing. \\ When they picked up Giles Magg on Lousy Sekondhanstor, he was berthed on Selenium Falcon.

Puke the Kashorchekian doggyhumanoid, and Cyberdork of Spark Laboratories on Seedubb, could trade off piloting duties for the Selenium Falcon, in order that Bunkem Isotope could allocate enough time to orient and reassure his fellow Goulash clone Giles Magg. Where Cloned Bunkem actually had the original spirit of the valiant Bunkem Isotope, Giles was not CALLED Neato Ashtrayides because it was pretty sure that he WASN'T really Duke Neato, identical genes notwithstanding. He had many memories ABOUT Duke Neato's life, and even helplessly felt love for Lady Jazzica; but when they came down to it, he had not lived Neato's life.

BUNKEM: What 's the earliest memory you have which you know IS your own memory, vice being artificially printed on your brain cells?

GILES: Sitting up in a sort of hospital bed, and asking for water. Of course, without the cerebral inloads, I wouldn't even have known what water WAS.

BUNKEM: Then at what stage did they let you know that you weren't yourself?

GILES: Initially, Petridisha, Twitfloozie and the others pretended I had suffered a head injury, so they were testing me for memory loss. When they showed me a hologram of Jazzica, this was my first real surge of emotion: love and longing, obviously. Of course, they had not made any attempt to simulate for me a memory of my brave death-- no, Neato's brave death-- on Srirachiss.

BUNKEM: So did they go for a long time before telling you the truth?

GILES: Four or five days. Part of the buildup was introducing the subject of Goulash cloning. The way they explained it was by telling how YOU came to be cloned. After this, because I-- that is, because Neato died years before you were brought back as a Goulash-- they needed to disclose the truth pretty soon.

BUNKEM: Once you did know the truth of your origin, were you angry at them?

GILES: Well, I could scarcely wish for myself NOT to exist. But yes, I would rather have had more of a distinct personality. On the other hand, if I have to be a copy of someone, there are much worse men to be copied from, than a planetary ruler of deep wisdom, who cared about his people's well-being and loved his family.
 
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Of the three starships traveling in company, the compact Waterpark One was the only one built by Ashtrayides workers, and its two pilots both belonged to House Ashtrayides: Duke-Designate Stillneater, and the faithful retainer Ulysses Bardette. At the time when Bunkem Isotope spoke with Giles Magg, Stillneater was just assuming control; so Luchador Hidalgo and Chip Thursday asked Ulysses to tell them some things. Understanding that the other two still knew hardly anything about the Dune-derived story-reality, Ulysses was willing to accommodate them.

LUCHADOR: From what I've heard so far, people in your sub-universe remember a version of Earth as the basis of their history, but they say that your Earth was evacuated so many millennia back in time, that Original Earth didn't even have civilization then. If Original Earth IS the original, how could your Earth-variant be so much older as a civilized world?"

ULYSSES: Among people in our sub-reality who even are aware of that issue, there are two proposed explanations. Both of them gain plausibility from the fact that we went a LONG time without ever seeing YOUR sub-reality or others like it. What I mean is that, if we had always been isolated from you, then the Creator could easily have done either of the two speculated things without upsetting your separate timelines.

First possibility- knowing exactly what volume of space would be the total extent of our sub-universe, the Creator sovereignly ACCELERATED TIME for us, so that all our millennia of history happened WITHIN the duration of your own shorter history.

Second possibility-- still inside the time-span of the history known to you, He created our worlds in the middle of the story. That is, billions of human beings, on hundreds of planets, popped into existence all at once, exactly as they would have been if past history had all genuinely occurred, and they all believed that all of it had happened.

CHIP: Wow, just wow. My guess may not count for anything, but I think the second hypotheses is true. However, it raises a slight awkwardness. What if some of the earliest humans created, the earliest ones actually to exist in your universe, were fascinated with the stories of ancestors who were supposed to have died before the day which actually was their creation moment? What if these early people hoped to meet those ancestors in the afterlife? When they did arrive in Heaven-- well, this couldn't ruin the joys of Heaven, but wouldn't it at least feel weird for them, finding out that those honored ancestors had never existed at all?

ULYSSES: If the retroactive-creation theory is right, God could just as easily create people IN Heaven, who would be exactly what the supposed ancestors were supposed to have been.

CHIP: I have another question, a small-scale question compared to these cosmic existential issues. It's about your civilization's refusal to use any artificial computation more sophisticated than a calculator. Your Naughtygators and Mentalcats appear to manage tings effectively; but I've heard two OPPOSITE EXPLANATIONS for your prohibition of robots.

LUCHADOR: Yes, I've heard the same. One version says that your ancestors destroyed all robots, on every planet, out of crazy, bigoted prejudice against them.

CHIP: The other version says that the ROBOTS turned evil and tried to kill all HUMANS everywhere.

LUCHADOR: It's the kind of contradiction we have in wrestling. I started out as a bad guy, then they let me be a good guy, then I slipped back to rule-breaking again, and later I was allowed to STAY a good guy.

CHIP: So which way did it really happen?

ULYSSES: I confess, I don't know the answer to that one myself. But historians arguing about it were among the first people to realize that the Retcon Effect existed. I think Princess Eerilake has written a book about it.

.......................................

More such talk went on before Ulysses headed for his bunk. It included questions about what planets besides Greedy Crime and Lousy Sekondhanstor were hostile to House Ashtrayides. Turned out there were several such. Although Paul Muddy-Drip in this reality had not allowed any such massive level of interplanetary bloodshed as Paul Muad'dib had allowed in Frank Herbert's ultra-gloomy novels, there still had been some.
 
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