Spacebullies Two: The Search For More Parody

Blue Junebug of the Teen Tryouts was pursuing an independent course of action, deliberately telling no one what he was up to. Seedubb, as well as Original Earth, had the saying, "What you want to conceal from an enemy, do not tell to a friend."

From the top of this Earth's version of Pike's Peak, this hero who had electronic prosthetics passed many hours in shifts hacking into ground-surveillance satellites of any nationality as they orbited overhead. Junebug sought to decrypt imagery collected by those satellites, for as far back as their data storage went. He didn't hold much hope of actually seeing Marysuefire or Goldfinch; but there were still signs to look for. In particular, Cyberdork had mentioned in the past that Marysuefire emitted charged particles when she slept. Not enough to harm anyone, but Cyberdork had believed that Spark Labs personnel might be able to identify them in the satellite imagery. So Junebug was pursuing this line of inquiry, since for the present Cyberdork was away from Earth with the Ashtrayides aristocrats.

Back on the East Coast, Harpy Nickelworth was also still on the job. A Chinese Triad gangster called Rodney Piao, not employed by Beijing but no friend of Western governments either, sought a haven with her at the factory hideout west of Urbanopolis. To purchase his welcome, Rodney let Harpy know about a four-truck road convoy which would be driving in from Connecticut, carrying a variety of illegal things. Accordingly, Harpy, Rodney, Tightrope Tito, Glueface, and five miscellaneous petty thieves planned the heist.

The ensuing action included Tito walking out on top of the horizontal pole of a highway-sign installation, to pour a bucket of paint onto the windshield of the leading truck. This truck's driver, and therefore the others behind him, were compelled to stop in a hurry, whereupon the gang attacked with tear-gas bombs. Glueface had no opportunity to adhere to anything, but he played his ordinary role as well as any of them. The crooks of the convoy were neither killed nor arrested (Harpy could scarcely act like a cop while being a gang leader), but were made to walk away on bare feet.

It was a rule of the "Birds of Playing" that Harpy must be trusted to control division of loot unilaterally. What she did with all the contraband was to turn it over secretly to the York-Jersey State Police (whose top commanders were in on the secret that Harpy had not really turned bad again). Then she paid her followers generously-- with money provided by her own husband. Alphonse wanted to be helping her in SOME way.
 
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On the West Coast, Dwayne Enterprises/Industries (both words were often used) had established its business relations with Birchbark Mills for paper products. Shortly afterward, Rabbi Dustin Prather had the pleasure of a personal visit to his office from Batfellow.

"Rabbi Prather, thank you for seeing me. I've listened to your talk-radio program often. As a man who needs to keep secrets for a good purpose, I always enjoy the way you expose and rebuke people who distort facts for EVIL purposes."

"I'm honored by your approval. What can I do for you?"

Batfellow took a seat, draping his cape over the seat back rather than sitting on it. This was part of his habit of never compromising his own mobility. "You recently spoke with a young man from Dwayne Enterprises. He had come from speaking with Birchbark Paper Mills about your poster purchase, the 'Rent-A-Nazi' prank. He contacted me about it. Since I try to stay ahead of trends in crime, I came here to see you.

"No one Jewish will accept any excuses for the Third Reich, nor should they. But the fact that a great evil DID occur, is no proof that the same unchanged evil still is on the scene today. The 'Rent-A-Nazi' gag seems to me as if it could rouse a reaction from either of two totally opposite kinds of idiots."

Prather gave him a thumbs-up. "Correct. Either from actual Neo-Nazis, or from fools who WANT the long-since-defeated Nazis to be the only threat, so that the fools can refuse to acknowledge CURRENT evils. One of my favorite Christians, Clive Lewis, was on target when he wrote about people rushing about with fire extinguishers when there's a flood."

"Even so. Thus my question: HAVE you gotten any reactions more serious than people just considering the posters ridiculous?"

"A few. And these were invariably the second kind: the people crying wolf about new Hitlers who existed as Hitlers only in these people's minds." Prather paused, gazing at his visitor's masked face. "Are you about to ask me for their names and their Interweb addresses?"

"The thought crossed my mind, Rabbi. But no. It would be hypocritical of ME to begrudge privacy to others who have committed no crime. Still, if at any time you learn something relevant about such persons which your conscience does permit you to divulge, you can tell young Lucius Fixxit. He'll be able to reach me."

Prather suddenly smiled. "And I understand that Lucius can be found wherever Kelly-Faye Merrick is."
 
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PICKING UP JERSEY EARTH WHERE WE LEFT IT.......

Hobshimti and Wagdorda, the two lady arthropods working with Unfindable Man, had something in common with each other besides being scary to human eyes. They both were accustomed to what humans would consider a steamy-hot tropical climate; so the Janitors of the Universe directed this trio to descend in Djakarta, Indonesia. Their timing meant that the Indonesian government would be aware of John Stewmeat's visit to the United Nations.

Revealing himself in a public square close to government buildings, Jimmy had both Green Flashlights close by on his left, keeping them invisible. They would do a routine like language-dubbing a movie: Jimmy would move his mouth while gesturing broadly, and Wagdorda (who could speak more clearly than Hobshimti) would do the talking from a planned script, with her artifact putting her words in the Indonesian language, Hobshimti would lean in close to Jimmy, whispering anything he needed to know about responses by the local humans. With her claw resting on his shoulder, Jimmy tried not to remember the wicked Shadythings whom she resembled. He mentally reminded himself: She's on the side of good! She's on the side of good!

This is the substance of what Wagdorda said for Jimmy, to get the ball rolling:

"Friends in the great nation of Indonesia! I am a friend of your world's Green Flashlight, and am here to tell you the same thing John Stewmeat is telling the General Assembly. John and his friends are aware of the Heart Sapphires' efforts to improve life on Earth, and we give them credit for good intentions. But they did act arbitrarily, and they HAVE almost completely destroyed your world's infrastructure, making all of you dependent on them. We intend to behave reasonably toward them; but just as John Stewmeat never tried to tyrannize your world, THEY cannot be allowed simply to dictate how you are to live."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Because She-Hunk had learned to speak some Russian on her own account, she went to Moscow's Red Square with her Green Flashlight teammate, an ant-like male called Tiptikditpip. She had considered arriving in her original Jasmine Waterford body, but she knew her voice would project far better as She-Hunk, and it was important to be heard clearly at the start. What she told the people around her was very similar to what Wagdorda said to the Indonesians. The Russian bystanders, though naturally startled, did not panic. They had, after all, seen extraterrestrials here and there for many weeks by now.

The other opening contacts also succeeded in avoiding panic and violence; and since every contact team had avoided landing close to any Heart Sapphire Sisters, the Sapphires had no chance to try to silence or dispute their initial greetings to the people of Jersey Earth.
 
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The tall Sapphire Sister Stairway-to-Heaven-cough-cough, one of the five or six most senior in rank of currently-active Heart Sapphires, was still on the planet New Laziness, coaching Twerpseid's daughter Grrrryll in the use of her new Heart Sapphire powers. These powers literally could not be used to do intentional harm to anyone, except possibly in the last extremity of self-defense .....or if a Sapphire Sister sincerely believed she was doing the victim a favor in a case of euthanasia, as had been witnessed on Jersey Earth by Bess Dickey.

Twerpseid, of course, had not ceased to resent losing his own small-g god-like powers, though he had the sense to realize that the side-of-good undead being who had taken away his and Grrrryll's powers, could have killed them outright but had chosen to show the mercy they didn't deserve. He also resented having to live on the charity of Highfyver, whom he regarded as a senile clown. But for ANYONE in his family to regain some power was an improvement. His daughter was at least sort of loyal to him, so her new status could work to his advantage. Thus it was he who pointed out to her that, with her new powers providing defense, she could always CARRY WEAPONS to attack people.

Grrrryll was in the middle of her latest practice time with Stairway-to-Heaven-cough-cough, when a mental communication came to them both. King Highfyver's own mental powers caused him to hear it also.

Elder sister! This is Veeba Lozz-Feggas in Tanzania. We're being invaded! Two Green Flashlights landed here an hour ago. Both are of completely non-humanoid races, thus immune to my erotic aura. One is like a large tortoise, and the other is a giant mantis. They are standing in front of me right now, fully aware of my communicating with you and not preventing me from calling. They promise that they will negotiate with us over the future of this Earth; but they say that the wishes OF THE NATIVES must be respected. And I'm horrified to report that they insist on USING LOGIC, not relying purely on emotions! Please come back now, and help us to present a united front against the Flashlights' bigotry!

Stairway-to-Heaven-cough-cough looked at each other, and the former declared : "This, my darling sister, is the first emergency to be faced in your new role as a champion of love. The Green Flashlights are spreading HATE!"

"I'll have to request the King's permission to accompany you to that Earth," said Grrrryll. But she found the permission quickly forthcoming. And Highfyver even allowed the daughter of Twerpseid to take with her a high-powered (though designed to be non-lethal) sonic stunning weapon.
 
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Trace and Bess Dickey, with their children, had slept late. Trace and other unemployed cops were spending many nighttime hours capturing feral dogs; and Bess had found some real good her Sapphire powers could accomplish.

She had become able to MAKE the dogs tame again, and could even create dog food that they were willing to eat. She wished she had possessed these talents before her husband was obliged to slay that masterless hound which tried to devour the boy Hamid.

What awoke Bess was her cheek being kissed by Nolarivu Pamizo, the Sapphire Sister who had blue pigmentation, apart from pale hands, forearms, feet and face, and who had become close to the Dickey family. Once Bess opened her eyes, Nolarivu knelt beside the bed and urgently hugged her. Bess' face could feel the tears drenching Nolarivu's face.

"Please help me, Bess. I'm keeping the others asleep; far from harming them, it will be an extra-good sleep, restoring their vigor over the next half-hour. But you're the only fellow Sister I've ever personally known who took a husband."

Bess gave her a fond squeeze, then emerged from the bed to sit with her on the floor. "Strictly speaking, I'm a married woman who took the Sapphire implant. But am I right to guess that your crying has something to do with your feelings for John?" She suddenly stiffened, concerned for her and Trace's superhero friend. "John IS recovered from his battle wounds, isn't he?"

For an instant, who was comforting whom was reversed, as Nolarivu pulled Bess in closer. "Yes, John is fine." Then she cried again, leaving Bess to hug HER more closely. "I'm just not sure I'm fine. John has brought an army of Green Flashlights to your Earth, and they're conguering it!"

"What's this, dear? Are you talking about a violent, surrender-or-we'll-kill-you conquest?"

The alien beauty buried her face in Bess' hair. "It might as well be that! Sure, my John is a kindly spirit, but his rulers, the Janitors of the Universe, are all full of hate!! They don't care about the flowing of sentiment, the beauty of impulse, the rhythms of the heart, the supremacy of love!"

An instant later, very much to Nolarivu's surprise, Trace Dickey sat bolt upright in bed, looking straight at the two women. Recognizing Nolarivu, and already understanding the well-meaning affection between her and Bess, Trace was not seriously bothered by the Heart Sapphire's unannounced presence. All of the Sapphire Sisters had a way of inviting themselves into places. But he had something to say which would startle both Bess and their alien friend.

"Nolarivu, have you ever seen or heard of a little green man called Yoga-Rug, born on a planet called Toofah-Roff, but who lived for a time on a desert planet called Nagobah?"
 
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Twishdok, the Green Flashlight who resembled a velociraptor, had for his teammate a beetle-ish female, whose name was expressed by antenna and foreleg gestures. At the same time as Nolarivu sought comfort from Bess Dickey in Magnet City, it was early afternoon in France where Twishdok and Series-of-Gestures had landed the day before.

At their first arrival in Paris, the two Flashlights had been met by military officers and advisors to the French President. Not one member of either house of the French Parliament had been in town. They were all obsequiously attending some activity organized by Heart Sapphire Chemhuda, the only Sapphire Sister working full time in France. She was also the only Sister on Earth who was thin of body, but her voice was astonishingly musical to every human or animal ear.

On the way south to where Chemhuda was, an old Foreign Legion veteran named Gustave rode with the alien visitors in a spacious van that could accommodate Twishdok. (Chemhuda had created fuel for this van, as she had done for the vehicles used by the Parliament members.) Completely unafraid even of the giant insect, Gustave explained as best he could what was going on in the countryside.

"Mademoiselle Tshem-uda" {the French language does not include the sound "H"} "--has been singing one song since the Sapphire Sisters landed on Earth. Unlike most of them, she has expressed no concern with the existence of armaments in France. Her whole emphasis has been telling youths that they needed to follow every impulse of their hearts, because their hearts were the only voice that mattered. You will see what she has persuaded les garcons et es jeunes filles to do." The old warrior's face tightened. "And none of us can stop her from inciting them to do so. Peut-etre you two interesting visitors can do something about it."

= = = = = = = = = = = = =

In a broad meadow, twenty-four teenage boys and eighteen teenage girls were riding motorcycles --not only in random directions, and not only without wearing helmets, but with their eyes closed. Well-dressed men and women, evidently Parliament members, were watching and cheering. Twishdok and Series-of-Gestures burst into action at once, with a surgical degree of dexterity. Like paramedics triaging accident victims, they used their Flashlight energy to restrain the bikers most in danger of crashing their motorcycles. They deactivated each bike's engine as they worked their way through the crowd of thrill-seekers.

Each of them wondered, a little bit, why the nearby Chemhuda wasn't trying to stop them. It turned out that she was busy keeping some already-injured riders alive.

As soon as no more motorcycles were in motion, Chemhuda began screaming at the two non-human meddlers. "None of them died! None of them WOULD have died! I was on top of it! This was their chance to be free, their chance to follow their hearts!"

The insectoid Flashlight waved her limbs and wing-cases. "What does she mean?" Chemhuda demanded.

Twishdok replied, "She's saying to you, what if these younglings decided to play the same game when you WEREN'T there to keep them from dying? You gave them a false feeling of safety."

"No feeling CAN be false!" cried the Heart Sapphire, her forehead gem blazing.

But Gustave came up alongside the two Flashlights, laying a friendly hand on each of them without hesitation. The French people on Jersey Earth, as on Original Earth, had a reputation for tolerance of strangers. "Mes amis, avec tout mon coeur, I implore you to stay here in France until a worldwide resolution is reached."

Series-of-Gestures did more signing, and Twishdok explained to Gustave that she and he both would gladly stay in France, provided they had a chance to try eating snails.
 
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Jamsorvad, the baboon-shaped Flashlight, had been assigned to visit Ecuador. With him went a male giant centipede, who communicated by gesticulating as Twishdok's teammate did. Both sapient bugs could convey at least some of their meaning to speaking races by the aid of their Flashlights, but it was more efficient to let Twishdok and Jamsorvad do the talking.

At their landing, soon after John Stewmeat had begun speaking to the U.N., Jamsorvad and Alternate-Series-of-Gestures had found themselves on the site of an Andes Mountain folk music festival. The rapturous beauty of the melodies from wood flutes and other instruments had filled both Flashlights with an artistic ecstasy; but THEY had filled the musicians and attendees with alarm once they were noticed, because this crowd had not yet heard about the visit to the United Nations.

Their presence was detected by the nearest Heart Sapphire, who happened to be the only one in the Jersey Earth contingent who was past their usual retirement age. Blaybree Kiftin had in her day been as perfectly beautiful as any of the Sisters, with red and gold streaked hair. Now she looked her age, which was nearly a hundred Earth-years. But her Sapphire artifact had prolonged her health. and she had successfully projected a grandmother sort of persona to people on Jersey Earth. Now, though, she displayed a degree of anger seldom seen in grandmothers as she flew to the scene.

"Flashlights! Bigots! Haters! Fascists! Istophobes! You want to ruin everything! Now be ashamed, I command you!" From her creased forehead erupted a furious wide-aperture beam of guilt-tripping power. But Jamsorvad and Alternate-Series-of-Gestures were armored against this mental weapon..... by the knowledge that they had both performed more acts of generosity and compassion than Blaybree could begin to guess.

"What exactly are we ruining?" Jamsorvad calmly asked. "Are we perhaps ruining a setup in which you Sapphire Sisters have taken away nearly the entire industrial base of a whole planet, leaving billions of humans passively dependent on your handouts? Are we ruining your prideful enjoyment of seeing this Earth's people begging you for crumbs?"

The elderly Sister almost foamed at the mouth, uselessly shrieking, "That's hate speech! Hate speech!"

But some of the frightened festival participants, hearing this exchange which came to their ears in their own languages (i.e. Spanish and Andes Native), stopped being frightened and edged closer to follow the argument.
 
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Returning to the moment when Trace Dickey woke up and spoke to his wife Bess and the visiting Nolarivu:

"I have heard of the planet Nagobah," replied the blue-skinned and -haired Sapphire Sister. (Note that her pigmentation, apart from face, forearms, hands and feet with skin much like a white human, was a much darker blue than the skin and hair of Chisskurdians like the Drifla sisters.) "I don't know the name Yoga-Rug; but I did hear that someone lived on the desert planet who had mind-over-matter powers."

Trace nodded. "That's Master Yoga-Rug. He formerly lived on Nagobah until a few months ago, because he was destined to meet and mentor some fellow called Groan Starr Ashtrayides. In my dream, Yoga-Rug told me that, without my ever knowing it before, I have the potential to master and control something called The Fuss. He said that now my world needed me to have this ability, after which he uttered something like a rabbinical chant in a synagogue. Then I woke up, feeling as if I did now have this new power. Bess, Nola, both of you, please use your own powers to examine me; see if you can sense anything different about me."

The Earthwoman and the alien woman both concentrated for a minute. Suddenly, Bess leaped back onto the bed, threw her arms around her husband and kissed him fiercely. "Sweetheart! You've always been my hero, but now you have greater strength to USE in being a hero!"

More to the point, Nolarivu solemnly told the detective, "Your new power is not the SAME as a Sapphire or a Flashlight. I can't say if it's lesser, equal, or greater than ours; but obviously it doesn't depend on a prosthetic device to operate, so you have one less vulnerability than we have. At a minimum, you do possess telekinesis: you can push, pull, and manipulate objects at a distance. You might be able to shield yourself against beam attacks, I'm not sure about that part yet."

Trace proceeded to try moving objects available in the room. Gaining confidence, he eventually asked both women to sit on the bed, while he stood one stride away from it. Levitating the bed, with them on it, as high as two feet above the floor, he was able to hold it there for nearly half a minute before he had to set it down again.

A moment after this, there was an urgent knock on the door. Trace's eyes went vacant for two seconds; then he said, "I believe The Fuss just told me that it's Sharon Rockwell!" Followed by Nolarivu and Bess, and joined by the children, Trace discovered that the visitor was indeed their firefighter friend. Sharon also knew Nolarivu Pamizo well enough by now not to be startled by her being with the Dickey family.

"Trace, Bess, kids, Nola!" She gestured excitedly. "I was just contacted psychically by someone called Yoga-Rug, from a planet even farther away than the headquarters of you Sapphire Sisters! He told me that from now on I'll be immune to flames, AND be able to extinguish them with my mind! He even said that now I can RUN extra-fast, to get TO fire scenes!" She indulged in a girlish smile. "The running-faster part, I tested and proved coming over here to tell you."

Trace had always been remarkable for taking surprises calmly. Nodding soberly, he told his friend, "With no more fuel for fire trucks, and with every fire department all out of Purple-K powder for fire extinguishers, there couldn't be any better time for somebody to receive the powers you describe."

Looking at Sharon, the Heart Sapphire Sister interjected, "Did Yoga-Rug tell you how things are going with John in New York?"

"Sorry, he didn't. But you and Bess are both capable of flying up to see for yourselves. And if Bess' children are willing to bunk at the firehouse with me and the guys for a night or two, you could carry Trace along with you, so he can lend his good sense to whatever's going on there."
 
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*** Now to drop in on my version of the He-Man / She-Ra sub-reality.

The evil sorceress Ickylinn had to hide or disguise herself now, any time she was on Planet Alwaysurnia. The neighboring world Gagspoon had come to be much more hospitable for her; after all, her master Skamartistor was now based there, since he was pretending to have been defeated. But at present, Ickylinn was helping the Lazytaxies Negafemina and her husband Specularkus to sneak around and commit mischief.

Today, the three villains were skulking as near as they could get to the military garrisons protecting Castle Greyhair, where two brothers named Tomtomulus and Treemoss were the mightiest warriors currently on duty.....

After the scientists from Planet Greedy Crime, under the shield of an invisibility spell, had slipped their animosity drug into the soldiers' drinking water, Tomtomulus and Treemoss got into a shouting quarrel and began fighting. Fortunately, they fought in the children's-cartoon-program fashion: shoving each other a bit, scuffling a bit, throwing half-hearted easy-to-block punches, and executing many unnecessary backflips and shoulder rolls. When the drug were off, both brothers remained unharmed, and resumed their duties as if nothing untoward had happened.

But the Lazytaxies' efforts had not been altogether for nothing. They had at least made the OTHER garrison troops worry a little; and False Teerifica, when she got around to it, could "investigate" the incident with the pretense of a conscientious, take-charge attitude.
 
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>>> Over on Planet Anoxia, two men who actually were enemies, were fighting about as non-lethally as the brain-tampered brothers on Alwaysurnia had done. She-Wow's friend Bowstring was shooting arrows in the general direction of one of Crowdhack's men, called Booma-Wrangler. But not really AT the bad guy. Booma-Wrangler was throwing boomerangs at Bowstring, and each of Bowstring's arrows hit and stopped a boomerang from the bad guy. Thrilling battle music was playing from somewhere, but it wasn't very convincing in the circumstances.

A pause came. Bowstring called out to Booma-Wrangler, "Why did you stop throwing? I still have three arrows left."

"I'm all out of boomerangs," the bad guy replied. "Boomerangs can't fit neatly into a quiver like arrows."

"Then pick up three of your already-thrown boomerangs, and throw them again. I'll wait."

"All right."

Booma-Wrangler, however, cheated, retrieving FOUR of his boomerangs. Once Bowstring had shot his last arrow, his opponent hurled the fourth boomerang. Fortunately, the good guy did a quick shoulder roll, so the last boomerang missed. Thus foiled, Booma-Wrangler fled.
 
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Most of the way around the planet, in a clearing in one of Anoxia's less-important enchanted forests, two estranged sisters were fighting. Well, sort of. Maybe almost as seriously as Tomtomulus and Treemoss had fought on Alwaysurnia.

In fairness to them, Sissimucha and Sissiesta had no super-strength, no energy-control abilities, nor any martial training. They both had respectable skills, just nothing combative. They had long worked together at the only major electronic-device factory controlled by She-Wow's liberation movement. But a month ago, a human warrior in the service of Crowdhack, a tall, handsome guy named Shallohunk, had charmed Sissiesta into giving him access codes to get into the factory at night. She-Wow's people had been present in unexpected numbers, and had thwarted the Mob attempt to loot and wreck the vital factory; but although victorious, many of the defenders had suffered non-fatal flesh wounds in their left shoulders.

Exposed for her treachery, Sissiesta had run away with Shallohack after the setback. The big jerk had brought her safely to a base of Crowdhack's forces, but had coldly declined to marry her. She did obtain employment in her specialty for The Mob, and was living comfortably; but she missed her sister. At the same time, the traitor was too proud to admit how stupid and wrong she had been. So the only way she could let herself visit Sissimucha was by theoretically fighting her.

For the sixteenth time since the bad sister's defection to evil, they stood less than one meter apart. Both of them were weakly flailing their hands at each other, limp wrists making their blows meaningless as their fingertips brushed the other sister's head, face and shoulders. Thus they could converse freely while nominally having a desperate battle.

Sissimucha asked: "Is Shallohack still ghosting you?"

Sissiesta managed to become something like genuinely angry; Sissimucha could actually FEEL the next four or five impacts of her sister's fingers. "No! Shallohack loves me! He's planning our wedding! I know I'll receive a ring anytime now!"

"Are you sure, Sis? Listen, he doesn't want me to tell you this, but Flatfoot still cares about you and misses you. And since you didn't cause any deaths, She-Wow has told us that if you would come back and ask forgiveness, she would pardon you for Flatfoot's sake."

"No! Flatfoot is boring! I have to do what's good for ME! Now stop nagging, or I shall battle you!"-- as if she weren't already fighting her sister, sort of. Their sort-of combat went on for two more minutes without any pain inflicted, until the naughty sister sort-of lost, by retreating three paces. Then Sissiesta cried on her sister's shoulder, but once again refused to come home with her.

A rude surprise, however, awaited Sissiesta when she returned to her living quarters. One of Crowdhack's industrial managers, an orange-skinned man called Peelarind, confronted her about failing to try seriously to capture and hand over her side-of-good sister. To prove how ruthless The Mob was, Peelarind inflicted a frightful punishment upon Sissiesta: reducing her wages by five percent, and shortening her lunch hours by three minutes.
 
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On the small planet now called Hightone, Mighty Male, Actual Teerifica, her father Weapons-Man, and the green-furred Battery-Cat were talking business with Swimmer Pluto, Black Giraffe and the converted-to-goodness monster Mugwumpa.

"Here's the central question," said Weapons-Man. "Which do we try first: expose False Teerifica and liberate Alwaysurnia, reinforce Princess Advila and liberate Anoxia, look for more allies, or try to find and attack whatever base the hidden villains are using?"

"I favor going after the probable hidden base," replied Mighty Male. "It would have the advantage of being unforeseeable by our enemies."

"As far as we know," said Actual Teerifica, looking at Mighty Male, "there's no huge mystery on Anoxia; we KNOW who the enemy is there. So I vote for helping your sister, and getting ONE planet free and clean from villains."

Swimmer Pluto, who was so exquisitely gorgeous that she made Teerifica look ordinary, said, "Surprise is a valuable weapon against any antagonist; and as you know, I am very good at finding hidden things. So I agree with Prince Andy: let's try to find the presumed hidden base of Skamartistor's probable secret allies."

"But we still don't know what happened to Andy and Advila's parents, and to Sorcery Lass," objected Battery-Cat. "If they're alive, and being kept at this hidden lair, our attacking there might panic the bad guys into killing them."

"Wait a minute," said Black Giraffe, pressing his knuckles against the sides of his head. "I have the strongest feeling that earlier in our storyline, some powerful character told us that a good wizard had rescued those Alwaysurnian leaders from captivity and was keeping them as well-treated guests in a place of safety. If this didn't happen earlier, I have to assume that some powerful character is NOW mystically informing us of that rescue. So our striking the presumed secret base would not lead to their deaths."

"But we can still reduce the likelihood of enemies knowing we want to hit their hideout!" exclaimed Mugwumpa. "Let's conduct a raid against Crowdhack on Anoxia, which of itself will aid She-Wow, and afterwards try to find the hidden lair."
 
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/ / / / / / / / / / / / / /

Groan Starr's ship Selenium Falcon (though Groaner and Vixen were not currently on board it) still was cruising in company with two starships of similar design. One of these was a little bigger than the Falcon, while the third ship was considerably smaller. Persons on board the three spacecraft were as follows.

On Waterpark One (the smallest, built on the planet Waterpark) -- Ulysses Bardette, Stillneater Ashtrayides, motorcycle cop Chip Thursday, and the masked wrestler Luchador Hidalgo.

On Sky Queen (built on the planet Lousy Sekondhanstor)-- Lady Jazzica Ashtrayides, Eerilake Calamari, Maritima of Tatlantis, Gladiola Ashtrayides, Fluralida of the Penny Jezebels, Raisin of the Teen Tryouts, Bot Index, and four slave women rescued from the Snarkonnens. (The lady robot Bot Index had by now downloaded all necessary information to be able to pilot the ship herself if needed. Her sweetheart the cyborg had done likewise on Groan Starr's ship.)

On Selenium Falcon (counterpart of the "Winnebago" in the movie "Spaceballs")-- Puke from Planet Kashorchek, Trala-Lalia Ashtrayides, Bunkem Isotope, Spiderweb-Man, Cyberdork and Duskwing.

Since we last watched these characters, the Spacebullion time-reviewing device had given them cause to change their itinerary. Princess Eerilake had used the device, because it would only play back past events if the person using it had at least some indirect connection with the events desired to be seen. Eerilake had wanted to know what her corrupt father, Emperor-Emeritus Candham Calamari, was up to, back on their planet of court-in-exile. Jazzica had had a tantalizing vision from The Jalapeno, which told her that something was happening on Lousy Sekondhanstor, something about which Jazzica would have mixed feelings.

Princess Eerilake had ascertained what the "something" was, which was why the three ships would shortly be intruding on the downfallen Galactic Emperor.
 
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The dismal planet Lousy Sekondhanstor, where the vicious and amoral ex-emperor Candham Calamari was permitted to dwell with reasonable means of life, had little in the way of amenities, and nothing in the way of space-warfare capability. But it did have the remnant of the deposed tyrant's crack ground troops, led by one Colonel Gruntygoon. It had a lot of useful deep caves, offering shelter against bombardment from the sky. And inside one of those caves rested the ex-emperor's hole card: a Starhatch, left behind by one of the zillions of super-duper ancient alien races from cheesy science fiction, the ones who all claim to have created every later civilization.

If somebody the ex-emperor had wronged (meaning almost everybody in his own story-universe) ever decided to ignore the merciful policy of House Ashtrayides and come to finish off House Calamari for good, it would be possible for the remnant of House Calamari to flee untraceably through the Starhatch, to another available refuge world which had no native sapients. But Candham never used this cosmic escape door to go anywhere in the furtherance of his plots and schemes, because no one knew how to maintain the mechanisms of the Starhatch, so it had to be kept ONLY as the last-resort getaway option.

When three spaceships clearly NOT belonging to the Spaced-Out Guild appeared in the star system of exile, some of Gruntygoon's men detected and reported them. A standby alert went out, just in case the Starhatch option would finally be needed. But the largest of the ships was presently identified as Princess Eerilake's own vessel, and Eerilake herself soon came up in comms.

Although Eerilake was nowhere near as evil as her father, Candham's own Penny Jezebels could affirm that she would not actually harm her father. So the downfallen monarch, with Gruntygoon and several highborn hangers-on, showed himself on the landing field. The sight of Spiderweb-Man and Cyberdork emerging from the ships, along with more ordinary travelers, was disconcerting, but Candham kept his cool.

Stillneater Ashtrayides, the son of the late Paul Muddy-Drip, strode forth in the lead, flanked by his Aunt Trala-Lalia and her husband Bunkem Isotope. Their demeanor was serious but not menacing.

Candham could not entirely restrain his own chutzpah. When Stillneater drew near, the old tyrant asked, "Have you come to announce my restoration to my throne?"

The teenage warrior answered with a stony face: "NEITHER to put you back in power, NOR to use your stretched-out small intestine as a clothesline. But you know which of those two things you deserve. We have come to look into a matter which came to the attention of your honorable daughter."
 
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Lady Twitfloozie, one of the Penny Jezebels now residing on Sekondhanstor, a fifty-something woman (but in excellent shape and health due to The Jalapeno and a good fitness regimen), decided it couldn't hurt to show that her sorority still was knowledgeable.

"Princess Eerilake, I realize what it is that came to your attention. You already knew that we have Lazytaxie Goulash-cloning capability here. I will simply tell you outright what the Lazytaxies have been preparing. It would have been revealed eventually anyway. Lady Jazzica, please come forward, because this affects you most of all."

Candham suddenly looked upset. "Twitfloozie, it's too soon!"

"Your Majesty, face it: you are not in a position to dictate to the Ashtrayides. Just tell her, or I will."

"Twitfloozie," said Eerilake, "I think better of you for this honesty, though no one told me about the project before this. I now possess the means to find out much of what happened in the recent past, and I've shared what I learned with Jazzica. Lady Jazzica?"

Leaning slightly on her daughter Trala-Lalia, Jazzica looked Candham in the eye. "Your Not-At-All Majesty, I now know that you had your Lazytaxies produce a Goulash clone with chromosomes purportedly coming from Duke Neato the Pure-Hearted and Generally Likeable." She glanced at Bunkem Isotope. "I know it CAN happen that a Goulash clone carries the actual spirit of the deceased person; but that is the exception. Is your new Goulash fully developed and ambulatory by now?"

Colonel Gruntygoon broke silence to volunteer an answer: "Yes, they did the adult-copy procedure, and imprinted knowledge of Neato's life in the new version's brain. But the new model of the Duke feels weird about it himself. He asked to be given a separate name. Now he is called Giles Magg--"

A voice rang from somewhere behind the ex-emperor's party. It came from a man who looked just like Duke Neato in his twenties.

"Jazzica! They DID want you to assume that I'm really Neato, and in fact I'm not sure that I'm not he. I can't ask you to accept me without question, but I would like at least to get re-acquainted with you. If 're-acquainted' is the proper term."

Jazzica, visibly shaken even though she had known what to expect before they landed, strode past everyone who stood between. Drawing close to Giles Magg, she looked into his eyes. "Giles Magg, there are ambiguities here. But whatever else you are, you ARE a living human being. You have a right to live, and you are not to blame for any treachery associated with your-- creation. Please come with me."

So Jazzica and Giles walked back to where Candham stood.

Jazzica declared: "Candham, even if Giles here is not exactly my Neato, I sense that neither is he an evil being."

"You're right, Grandmother," Gladiola interjected. "And if he's with us, at least Stillneater and I can experience some remnant of our noble grandfather."

Jazzica put her index finger within three inches of Candham's nose. Gruntygoon frowned at this, but was keenly aware of how many dangerous persons were just waiting for him to start something.

"Candham Calamari," said Neato's widow, "it is axiomatic that you hoped to gain some undeserved advantage by presenting Giles to me, just as when Bunkem there was presented to my son Paul. But the new Bunkem has proven to retain all the goodness of his original self; and Giles appears to have at least something of my Neato's goodness. I cannot assume that Giles IS my lost husband restored, but I believe that he deserves every chance to show his merits. He will depart with me on board the Sky Queen-- with separate bunking, no offense meant to him. And I will even show appreciation for his existence, by arranging for some domestic items and supplies to be shipped here, for the betterment of your living conditions in exile."

Eerilake was unable to resist giving her evil father a dig. "So you won't need to make a getaway through that old Starhatch you think no one knows about."
 
Space was made on board the Selenium Falcon for Giles, because Spiderweb-Man, Duskwing and Cyberdork were all eager to interview him about what it was like to know that he was a clone who had only existed for something like a month.

Cyberdork opened the discussion by saying, "Although I have lived for more than twenty years, I've only been a cyborg for less than five years. So I do have some grasp of how it is to have a life history shorter than the level of my knowledge and sophistication. What's your take on this extraordinary existence of yours?"

"I suppose that what I feel is like what an amnesia victim would experience. There's a wide gap where my past SHOULD be, and knowing I'm a Goulash only makes me argue with myself about that. I do have memories of Jazzica speaking to me, even touching me, and of Paul, Trala, and even Groaner as infants..... but those episodes cannot have happened. Pardon me while I utter some curses in languages unknown to anyone who will read my story....."

"Even if you simply are not Duke Neato," Spiderweb-Man prompted, "it might be helpful if you temporarily pretend you ARE Neato Ashtrayides. This should help you to understand the emotions rising from what the Lazytaxies made you think you remember."

"All right;" and Giles released a deep sigh. "The man I remember as 'Father,' Duke Rollo the Reckless, fought mutated bulls to show off --until one of them killed him. So I share in the actual Neato's devastating grief, without having been allowed ACTUALLY to live with a loving father."

Puke now spoke directly to Giles for the first time. You can find sympathy among us. In my case, I was rejected by my family because I wasn't big and tough enough, but Groaner became a brother to me."
 
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Giles Magg sighed still more deeply. "And there's my own vicarious death. All of you have had normal dreams; do you ever dream that you die?"

"I can do better than that," said Cyberdork. "I was clinically dead after my accident, and woke up with a largely metallic body. Once my rebuilding was a success, and some people who remembered me were allowed to know I was alive, they showed a variety of reactions. A few of them had a very hard time accepting that I still was myself. This, even though in my case, no offense, I knew I really WAS myself."

"No offense taken. What offends me is that the Emeritus Emperor's biotechies wouldn't let me plainly and simply be a new man. I could have been-- you know what, this might actually work!-- I could have become Jazzica's brother-in-law."

Bunkem and Trala-Lalia were on a sleeping shift, but Duskwing had a remark to offer: "My own experience has a kind-of, sort-of parallel. There are people in my life who know l'm Duskwing, and people who don't know...."
 
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BACK ON THUGLIFE SKRAWN'S FORWARD-BASE PLANET:

The Popquizzitor Sweetslayer (whose severed hand had been retrieved and preserved, allowing a strong possibility of successfully re-attaching it) was under close guard. Partly to stop her from trying to escape, and in LARGE part to prevent hundreds of liberated slaves from swarming her while she was weakened, and tearing her to pieces for her service to their oppressors.

Mopey-One Kanoli had been advised of the offer Sweetslayer had made in return for clemency, and was clearly interested. At this moment, with her injury already treated, Sweetslayer sat on a camp stool. In front of her stood Mopey-One and Quinine Sauce. To her right stood the telepath Earl Pufferton, with Captain Woodrow Ackerman from the Queen Yessa. To her left were the Toofah-Roffian girl Hoppaway, and the human soldier Vin Gasleen. Directly behind Sweetslayer stood the Hallpasscardian swordsman Fratbro-- who wasn't even looking at the prisoner. Fratbro's focus was on looking out for any lynch mobs.

"Her mind is blocked against me," said Brigadier Pufferton.

"Understandable," remarked Hoppaway. "It's logical for her to preserve her bargaining chip till she gauges Master Kanoli's reaction."

"So, can we cut to the chase?" Vin Gasleen blurted out.

Quinine looked the prisoner in the eye. "Tell you what, Sweetslayer. I'll have the surgeons re-attach your hand BEFORE you share your secret. Gesture of good faith. But then we will expect you to spill everything."

As the beautiful human Popquizzitor wavered, Fratbro spoke over his shoulder: "Damsel Sweetslayer, we of King Garryowen's fellowship cherish our honor above life. I regard Master Sauce as a fellow knight, and I judge him to have given you his word of honor. If he should renege on his promise of leniency, my sword and my blood will argue for you to receive the promised mercy."

Earl Pufferton seconded Fratbro: "Popquizzitor, that warrior's mind IS open to me, and he really means what he just said. I advise you not to squander the goodwill of so honorable a man."

Mopey-One spoke next. "Sweetslayer, you already know that I have never held with wanton revenge. I will never forget how my pattycake-awan Acne-Skin ALMOST fell irrevocably into evil; but unlike the movies on Original Earth, Acne-Skin turned away from the down-side, and ended his life clean and free, without ever committing murders of innocent younglings. If Acne-Skin, though under close influence from Emperor Porkanbeen, could still turn back to the light, so can you."

She still showed hesitation, so Mopey-One added: "Here, I'll help you along. I believe that your secret concerns what happened to Massage Breathless after the death of Count Spooky. I'm waiting for the rest."
 
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Sweetslayer sighed, nodded, and began:

"For the benefit of Sir Fratbro and Captain Ackerman, here's a bit of background. Massage Breathless is a woman of the essentially-human race which lives on the planet Bathtubmir, within the territory of the Republic of Lots of Worlds. As a girl, she suffered enslavement, until she was rescued by an up-sider named Krash Trainwreck. He trained her in the ways of The Fuss, and at first she joined him in fighting against evil. But after Master Krash died heroically in battle against space pirates, she permitted her grief and rage to turn her hard and bitter.

"Massage had the bad luck, then, to fall under the influence of Porkanbeen's right-hand man, Count Spooky. In the years that followed, she and Mopey-One fought to a draw four times. It is my belief that, by the time of their last duel, Mopey-One had her tactics figured out well enough that he could have bested her conclusively. But he held back because, from all his times being near her, he had picked up a sense of what a wounded soul she was. Mopey-One was always a big believer in redemption, which is also true of Quinine Sauce. Mopey-One has mixed feelings about Massage Breathless, but no part of his feelings is contrary to his wish for her to come back to the side of light."

Woodrow Ackerman spoke up impulsively: "Master Kanoli, we haven't spoken much, with urgent business going on all the time. But let me point out that I am now married to a humanoid woman, whose genetic makeup is different enough from mine that we'll need scientific assistance to make children together. We get along wonderfully; and the stability of our marriage is based on each of us knowing the PERSON the other one is. Everything I hear about you says that you're an awesome guy; and what we've just heard suggests that your, um, acquaintance at least COULD become good again."

Mopey-One smiled sourly. "All right, before the rest of you start planning my wedding to Miss Breathless, let's hear WHERE she is now." He leaned toward Sweetslayer. "This is the point where you tell me where Massage lives now, or at least how to start searching for her."

"Of course." And Sweetslayer began spilling all she knew about the shaven-headed she-devil's whereabouts. It was good enough that everyone present favored the captured villainess being shown mercy.

When we next rejoin Mopey-One Kanoli, we'll see him following up on the Popquizzitor's information.
 
At the time when Sweetslayer played her "Get Out Of Death Free" card, Moose Windchime, ex-pirate Melodica, and the young-adult male Toofah-Roffian Transmeddit, were at a different location: an open-pit mine for some useful mineral or other. There was plenty of modern machinery around, suggesting that at least the captives toiling here had not been forced to work with pickaxes and die of exhaustion after three months. Nonetheless, slavery was slavery.

All slave overseers at the mining site-- some of whom were like the wild-boar-like uglies in "Return of the Jedi"-- had either surrendered, run away, or been killed. Moose was supervising the surviving plug-uglies, gathering up whatever would help the freed slaves to survive during their transition back to a normal existence. The rescued slaves were in an uproar of happy exclamations and questions..... until one of them, a man of the Tugboata race (Nonsmoka Tiptoe's people), burst out 0f the crowd. Running straight at Melodica, he brandished some kind of large wrench. Melodica was frozen in disbelief, but Transmeddit acted swiftly.

Without harming the enraged miner, the Toofah-Roffian took away his weapon, then levitated him two feet above the ground. "Friend, this is not a time for hatred. Please tell me why you are angry at one of your liberators."

"LIBERATOR?" the Tugboata man yelled. "She was one of the reavers who SOLD ME to Admiral Skrawn's men! And I'm the only survivor of my batch of captives. Now, let me down! Let me kill her!"

"I can't allow that," replied Transmeddit; "but neither can I blame you for hating Melodica. She, however, is not the same person she was back then. Are you familiar with the concept of the weregild?"

"The what?"

Transmeddit lowered the angry man to the ground, but kept a cautious eye on him. "On many worlds, in their primitive times, cases of what may be called manslaughter were addressed in a way which prevented endless feuds. The person who caused a death, if he had not specifically PLANNED that killing in advance, was allowed to pay some kind of restitution to the family of the victim, and the case was dropped. I am aware that Melodica, Zoot Booter, Grammurnatzia, and the rest of their pirate band kidnaped many sapients into bondage, but at least they did not premeditatedly kill their captives.

"Melodica has become a new woman, by the Creator's work through the up-side. Just yesterday, I watched her fighting to RESCUE slaves like yourself. Therefore, I take it on myself to ask you to accept her new conduct as restitution for your captivity."

"Thank you very much, Transmeddit," said Moose Windchime, coming up at this moment. Then he spoke to the furious Tugboata man.

"Friend, I cannot criticize your justified resentment. I cannot permit Melodica to be killed for her past sins; but I personally join in the offer of 'weregild.' Any feasible service I can perform for you in good conscience, is yours for the asking. And believe me, having a top-level up-side master trying to satisfy your grievance is a very good deal."
 
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