Spacebullies Two: The Search For More Parody

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====== >> I remind my audience that my serial {1} began immediately after the ending of the movie "Spaceballs," {2} assumed that the ape world at the end of "Spaceballs" was in the same solar system as the royal heroine's native world, and {3} quickly began introducing elements directly from STAR WARS (and also "Dune"), as opposed to being filtered through SPACEBALLS.

My version of the tusk-faced Star Wars hero Plo Koon was not introduced until my serial had been going on for a long time; but when he did appear, he appeared "at the starting point," by visiting the solar system "Princess Vixen" comes from. I call the two inhabited planets there "Directvideo" and "Chimpanzia." My character "Plow Korn" earned the gratitude of both intelligent races in the system, by catching Fooldemall the Lazytaxie Face Twister, who had murdered and impersonated the Chimpanzian diplomat Minister Proconsul. Fooldemall had also tried unsuccessfully to corrupt Duke Diskoduck, a slow-witted but good-hearted cousin of Princess Vespa.

Once conditions in the Directvidean System were set right, Plow Korn wanted to seek out my version of Mace Windu, who had gone to the home planet of my version of Mel Brooks' version of Master Yoda. Plow Korn traveled in a spacecraft piloted by Wilma Dearthing, a Directvidean woman with light brown hair who is as lovely as Princess Vixen but isn't stuck-up about it. Joining them on board were Duke Diskoduck, who wishes to be useful; a robot named Clankalot, sort of a brother to Bot Index; and Rabbishop Malarkey, top clergyman of Directvideo, who would serve as an ambassador to the Toofah-Roffians. Also on board, to represent Chimpanzia, were Inspector Antilacor, an officer of his world's internal security force, and his bride Lucasta, sister of the deceased Proconsul.

On Toofah-Roff, a young-adult male of the Yoda-like species, Transmeddit by name, volunteered to share in the adventures of Plow Korn and Moose Windchime. They intended to join the characters on Bubblewrap Five in combatting the forces of Grand Admiral Thuglife Skrawn, and they will get to do this. But the battle to save Defenselessville from the Barnsmell, in which the Ringjonn-Earth soldier Jacob Mossyhutch played a vital role, was a rapid-response action, taking place before Moose and Plow could reach the area.......
 
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Making good time toward Planet Toofah-Roff, Wilma Dearthing was given cause to change course when Clankalot reported a subspace-radio distress call from the Bakesum system. Seeing Wilma looking at him, even before learning that there was a fellow up-sider there (Quinine Sauce), Plow Korn told her, "Yes, let's respond. Plot your lightspeed jump."

When they emerged in normal space not far from Planet Cakebun, they soon found that another friendly ship had also responded: the fighter-bomber piloted by Ziprukken, the only currently living Jedi-equivalent from the green-skinned, long-snouted Greedork race. Benzine Tancur, Ziprukken's blonde human female trainee, explained to Master Korn: "We were tracking movements of Admiral Skrawn's courier ships when Master Sauce's distress call came. We are now assisting Wrench Redpilly and Shwinn Soso, his other squadron leaders, in search and rescue ops for anyone from either side who might be adrift in spacesuits or life pods."

"Where's Master Sauce?" asked Plow Korn.

"On the ground, helping to treat surface casualties. He says he sighted the Popquizzitor Sweetslayer with the Barnsmell, but she escaped."

"All right, I can confer with him later. We'll join you looking for survivors. Give us a sector to work in."

"Master Korn," Wilma put in, "since Clankalot doesn't need air, let's detail him for exterior catch-and-secure."

Plow nodded. "Hauling in space-suited people with suit propulsion gone. I agree."

As soon as persons needing rescue began to be detected, Plow Korn began using his telekinesis to pull them toward the Directvidean ship's airlock and safety. Clankalot, stationed on the hull, helped to handle the castaways as they neared the open hatchway.

For short-term purposes, the ship could pack in eighteen persons. Ten of these were from the worst-damaged ship in the enemy fleet, including seven blue-skinned Chisskurdians (the same race as Thuglife Skrawn, AND as the Drifla sisters over on Awkwardlisp). All of these Imperial spacers were astounded not to be put to death, because of course they had been told that up-siders "hated everyone who was different." Their belief in this propaganda was destined to be shaken further, when they saw Benzine working with Ziprukken, and saw the Directvidean humans working with Plow Korn, Antilacor and Lucasta.
 
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Once everyone adrift in orbit had been recovered, Ziprukken placed his own fighter-bomber in formation with several intact ships from Quinine Sauce's force, to fly picket patrol in case any hostiles attempted a surprise return assault. On the planet, Duke Diskoduck, Antilacor and Lucasta were introduced to several Cakebunder dignitaries, and to Master Quinine Sauce.

The most talkative of the locals was Miss Loquasia Phlaptung, who-- if plotline-convenient instant translation from her world's language was reliable-- bore the title "Secretary of Harrumphing." When Plow Korn, Diskoduck and their companions walked into the conference where the human up-sider Quinine Sauce was hearing out the Secretary, she was in the middle of harrumphing:

"We have extensive damage planetside! How soon are you going to pay for the rebuilding?"

"You will be given all disabled spacecraft from the battle to salvage," Quinine pointed out. "Parts retrieval from all of these combined should let you assemble one or more operational ships for your own use."

"Not enough!" Loquasia exclaimed. "You need to restore our agriculture too. Specifically, you need to help us establish pineapple plantations, so that we can have pineapple for our pizza!"

Plow Korn interjected: "Certainly, the availability of pineapple for pizza is a sign of high civilization. But remind me, what did your planet contribute to the war against Emperor Porkanbeen? What did you do to protect your own star system, let alone anyone else's, from being enslaved by Popquizzitors?"

"Why, we emitted good thought vibrations," she harrumphed.

At this moment, Duke Diskoduck startled everyone present: "Madam Secretary, as you see, I am from a human world, and our multi-purpose robot assures me that my people's agriculture is compatible with yours. In appreciation for the Bakesum system opening diplomatic relations with my government and with our Chimpanzian friends, I will pledge to make every effort to bring live pineapple plants to you as an outright gift, enough to start at least twenty initial farms working."

Wilma Dearthing listened quietly to this. She already loved Diskoduck for his general niceness, and for his once having saved her mother's life; but it certainly didn't HURT her opinion of him to see him contributing positively to the current diplomacy. Secretary Phlaptung was mollified, and the heroes were set free to attend other matters.

These matters included interrogating enemy prisoners. For this purpose, Inspector Antilacor of Chimpanzian Planetary Security happily volunteered to help run the bad-cop, good-cop scenario. Lucasta, for her part, joined her fellow non-human Plow Korn for general mingling with the Cakebunders.
 
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Back in the star system where Skrawn's rally-point planet had the big sign identifying it, Nonsmoka Tiptoe and Samladel Fripp sneaked in close, hiding behind one of the massive space-dwelling Burpgills. The Tugboata woman and the Tryyurluck woman both were clad in drab working-class attire, and were looking for their chance to infiltrate the planet.

"Wait for it, Sammy.....wait..... wait..... Here it comes!"

Passing unconcernedly near their Burpgill, making for the planet, was an enemy ship, of a type which would land on planets. On its belly were painted the words: SEE THE RED CIRCLE! THAT'S WHERE YOU CAN TRACTOR YOUR SMALL SHIP ONTO OUR HULL AND PASS UNNOTICED! THEN JUST DETACH WHILE PASSING THROUGH CLOUDS IN THE ATMOSPHERE, AND LOOK CASUAL!

" " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " " "

Samladel had chosen in advance their best place to infiltrate: an agricultural region, where there were plenty of orchards. Aircraft passing above an orchard would take no notice of the workers among the trees. Flying low, Nonsmoka sighted a landing pad with a sign that said: GOOD GUYS SECRETLY INFILTRATING THE PLANET, LAND HERE!

Once on foot, heading for the trees, the two women were greeted by a crowd of slaves. Most were either Humans or Tryyurlucks, but a few represented Cantina Scene races. All of them recognized Samladel, and she was bombarded with hugs, kisses, handshakes, fist-bumps and head-tail stroking. They didn't recognize Nonsmoka by sight, but the fact that heroic music was playing in the air wherever she went gave them a clue.

Speaking of clues, Nonsmoka felt a prompting from The Fuss, that she should ask the tree-care workers where the latest produce of their fruit trees would be going. A Cantina-type creature told her, "Most of it will be sold to Planet Kantpoo, through a series of shell companies. You know most of the people there are vegetarians."

Not many things could make Nonsmoka's large, lovely eyes grow even larger, but this did. "You mean that the Kantpoodians, who barely escaped being conquered by C0unt Spooky, who was really working for Porkanbeen, PAY MONEY TO THEIR ENEMIES for products they could obtain in other ways?"

"Afraid so," said the creature. "A lot of people on Kantpoo just don't pay attention."

Nonsmoka fleetingly considered implanting nanobots in some of the fruit shipped to Kantpoo: some sort of messages to tell the effete folks there whom they were buying from? But no; things would soon be changing at THIS end.

"All right, everyone, listen up. Samladel and I are here to warn you that there will be a strike soon, against all armament stockpiles on this planet. I can't say how soon it will be; I don't know that myself. But we'll try to give every slave in the vicinity a chance to run for it. Spread the word: five minutes before any arsenal is bombed, we'll shoot flares in the neighborhood. That will be the signal to run for your lives." She thought quickly, then added: "Each attack on a weapon-storage area will come from the west, so running north or south will be best for your people to get out of the way."

"Like the way people in a kaiju movie SHOULD have the sense to run to the side, away from the advancing monster's line of sight," said Samladel.
 
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From his base in the Great Artifact on Upsydaisylon, Master Drool projected his astral self here and there, to check up on all good guys known to him. Seeing that Nonsmoka and Samladel had alerted the innocent noncombatants on Admiral Skrawn's staging-area planet, he contacted the Fuss heroine and let her know he would get the forces of good moving. Then he contacted Snack Salad and other good guys on and around Planet Nondefensico, followed by the same at Planet Cakebun.

The Mintcandybarri lent one of their capital warships for the move against Skrawn's forward-base planet. The Braykpedduli sent four of their lighter combatant vessels, and replenished missiles for Woodrow Ackerman's ship. These, with the Aggiemarbelon and available fighters, made rendezvous with Corin Webber's Shadything ship, and with such forces as Plow Korn and Quinine Sauce could bring, and everybody hyper-jumped to the solar system where the target planet was.

Surprise was achieved well enough that all innocent people were able to evacuate the target sites, and the enemy weapon stockpiles were destroyed. Corin's ship, Woodrow's ship and the fighters flew top cover, stopping enemy ships from killing the other friendly ships which were striking the ground targets. No good-guy ship, even the extra-tough Shadything and Mintcandybarri ships, went completely undamaged, but casualties were light.

Then came a warning from Drool. He had overheard a command going out on enemy comms channels. All Barnsmell brutes who had made it back here from the failed assault on Defenselessville were being told to kill EVERY slave they could find on the planet. It was a scorched-earth move.

In response to this heinous example of evil badness, Drool contacted Jacob Mossyhutch, telling him: "I can give you ONE target for your gravity gun, where no one innocent will be killed....."

Soon Jacob was in a spacesuit, standing on the exterior of Constance Tilbury's ship, aiming...... and killing everyone in a vital command center of the enemy. That was his only use of the gravity gun in this operation, because the rest of the planet simply had too many civilians running around. From here, it was the good guys' duty to get down there on the ground and stop the ordered act of genocide.

I'LL GET BACK TO THIS PLOT SEQUENCE LATER. DON'T WORRY, I'LL STOP TIME HERE, SO NOBODY INNOCENT WILL GET KILLED WHILE I'M DESCRIBING OTHER EVENTS.
 
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ON FEDERAL EARTH:

At the South American military base where Unified Services personnel were studying the mechanisms of Pro Dashalong's starship, Pro and his ship's electrician Lavinia Creston, together with Hallpasscardian Vastbulk of the Warriors Four, were strolling past the older-style flying craft parked on the field.

"These aircars would still be perfectly usable for civilian purposes," observed Vastbulk, "though their seating is terribly cramped."

'"And perhaps as decoys in a future battle," said Lavinia. "Flying unmanned on autopilot, they could be sent toward an opposing ground force, which would shoot them down-- and fail to notice until too late that more modern atmosphere craft were coming in on their flank."

"Our suggestions are well and good," Pro replied; "but don't forget: our having higher technology than this branch of humanity doesn't give us a right to TELL them what to do."

"We're all agreed on that," Vastbulk assured him. "Even we Hallpasscardians, who live for thousands of years, have a strict code of not bullying shorter-lived peoples."

"Which reminds me," said Lavinia, "how are Lydia and Hoodunnit getting on?"

Vastbulk smiled. "I always thought that, if Hoodunnit ever married again, he would go right back to being as soft-hearted as he was with his now-deceased former wives. But he isn't exactly that way this time. Don't get me wrong, he does love Lydia, and he's considerate of her feelings; but he keeps a bit of his old reserve. He's a bit guarded. She seems to understand, though, and as far as I can tell, they're both happy with each other."

"Everybody has their own way of dealing with past griefs," Pro remarked. "But tell me, does either of you know where Master Yoga-Rug has gotten to?"

Lavinia looked in the direction of their ship. "I believe he's using The Fuss to review the storyline, to remember whether he's supposed to be still on this planet, or somewhere else."

Soon afterward, they heard Yoga-Rug projecting his voice to them: "Okay, I'm not there with you, I returned to Toofah-Roff, so I'll get back to teaching youngsters of my own species. Moose can handle things fine on his own."
 
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On the outer-system station which had first spotted Thorpe and his party coming in, Tech Sergeant Benito Javier was working to install new scanning apparatus which had been fabricated on the model of electronics from Pro Dashalong's ship. After finishing the installation of one module, he asked Lady Sniff, "How quickly will this be able to calculate the deceleration rate of an incoming ship?"

"Absolute minimum time on a ship detected outside the orbit of your farthest dwarf planet, given good contact resolution, eight seconds to have a deceleration rate with five percent plus-minus error margin."

Benito nodded and smiled. "I call that an improvement over our needing half a minute minimum for the same result, with a TEN percent plus-minus margin."

"Even with the speed at which you're assimilating the armaments technology we're giving you, you 'll still need all the early warning you can get if anybody evil decides to attack you BEFORE you finish upgrading your forces."
 
After whatever time interval works best for overall plot consistency, some of Captain Dashalong's other crew members were studying Thorpe's magic space-motorboat, when Yoga-Rug's projected voice came to the Thundermaster.

"Thorpe, you and your posse are needed! Round up some of the Starship Grunts, with however much improved weaponry they've been able to copy from Pro's equipment. Well, if their government consents. A major act of genocide is about to happen on Admiral Skrawn's rally-point planet! Some of our people are there, but not enough to save all the intended victims. Force that Zingdash fellow to fly you in his jump-ship to that star system, with however many fighters you can muster. Our friends will coordinate with you when you show up there! Hurry!"

It became natural for Lydia Jawad-Pensive's old company to be issued new-model ray-rifles, and become the Human Federation's rapid-response contribution to the rescue mission. Three more platoons volunteered to go along with just their bullet-guns and rocket launchers, so Lydia split her own platoon to let each of the other platoons have beam weapons on hand.

They got hold of Quinine Sauce by subspace radio, telling him that they could allocate their own forces to hit the enemy at anything from three to five locations. Quinine Sauce immediately replied, "Plan for the widest spread; there are a lot of defenseless people in danger."

Accordingly, as Naughtygator Zingdash was being given destination coordinates, fire teams were formed. The reinforced platoon led by Lydia would have Hoodunnit with it, and so should go against some of the strongest opposition. The other two reinforced Movable Infantry platoons would be placed wherever there was great time-urgency for saving the intended victims of massacre. The Hallpasscardians minus Hoodunnit would serve as a platoon of their own. Mopey-One would join the entire company of Pro Dashalong's ship as a fifth unit.

And at the last minute, Brigadier Pufferton offered himself and nine special-forces troopers as an additional team. "Assign us wherever it might be the most difficult to distinguish friend from foe, because I'll know the difference, and can make sure my men also know!"

It was largely to the credit of the Unified Services that these half-dozen rescue squads were armed and ready for battle almost as quickly as Naughtygator Zingdash, with Tupragon assisting, was ready to warp-jump them to the scene of action.
 
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At one location on the forward-base planet, two females of a Cantina-type species were taking care of sixteen infants of their species. The babies were meant to grow up as laborers.... but now, a gang of four dozen Barnsmell meant these babies to be meat at a barbecue.

They were not reckoning, however, with Moose Windchime, who was descending upon them in the Banjolorian ship that had been left on Toofah-Roff. Moose by himself slew ten of the brutes before they even realized what was falling upon them. Melodica, Hoppaway, Vin Gasleen and the other soldiers went after the rest. The babies and their nannies emerged unharmed.

At another location where slaves were about to be murdered, Plow Korn and Zubdookree waded into other Barnsmell with their light sabers, while Antilacor and Wilma gunned down those on the flanks. Another batch of innocent beings rescued.

At another location, Corin Webber brought his Shadything ship down into atmosphere, and precision-blasted a sort of moat all the way around a large number of human Imperial troopers, trapping them on an instant island.

At another location, Thorpe disabled a regiment's worth of armored combat vehicles, while Sniff, Fratbro and Vastbulk overpowered four or five squads' worth of light infantry.

At another location, Earl Pufferton used his telepathy to locate some Barnsmell attempting to set an ambush, and led his grunts to ambush them instead.

At another location, Mopey-One Kanoli levitated some other children right out of a pen and moved them out of harm's way, while Pro Dashalong and his people carried on a firefight with enemy troops.

At another location, the Anfliaktikshok warriors engaged in melee with four times their number of Barnsmell who had been about to kill some adult Tryyurluck slaves. The Mintcandybarri martial artists took some casualties, but gave better than they got.

And assume that the other good guys, definitely including Snack, Noherra, Gross-Goo, and everybody still spaceborne to fight enemy ships, were also doing hero stuff. In the case of Jacob Mossyhutch, this involved his being set down on a high crag, from which he could fire his gravity gun DOWNWARD at evildoers, so that the ceramic pellets would expend their momentum by drilling into the planet's crust, not by killing friendlies.
 
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The Popquizzitor Sweetslayer had gotten away clean after the first battle against the Anflaktikshok; but she didn't like the idea of running away from them again. She was aware that their special-alloy fighting rods could survive a hit by a light saber, but they had no protrusions to stop an energy blade from sliding down the weapon to sever the user's hands. Beholding the Mintcandybarri hero Kolaklop leading a dozen of his warriors, she rushed to close quarters with him. He stopped four strokes of her light saber..... but then she got past his guard, and severed his head.

Some nearby Barnsmell, encouraged by her success, rallied around her to attack the other Mintcandybarri. Sweetslayer withdrew a few paces, letting the savage demi-humans have their action; but then, from behind, she felt a crackling of energy that made her hair stand up.

"Take off your Fuss ring," Quinine Sauce commanded her. "You had every opportunity to follow the up-side, but you wanted your violent thrills. Perhaps a prison can accommodate you, by putting you in a cell with a Crankor."

Sweetslayer began to pull her Fuss ring off-- but then shot a hard kick straight behind her. Quinine, however, had not received the memo that every woman should be able to catch every man off guard at all times. The up-side master caught her foot, yanked her entire body into the air, and threw her past him to land in a heap. To give Sweetslayer her due, she stood up again before he could capture her, and a flashing, sparking lightsaber duel was on.

It lasted for half a minute-- which is longer for someone experiencing combat than for people just reading about it. Quinine suffered a superficial burn to his left arm; but after six more seconds, he severed the beautiful Popquizzitor's right hand. The heat of his weapon cauterized the stump, so she would not bleed out; but astonishment at her defeat, as much as pain, took all the fight out of her. Unlike Yoga-Rug or Groan Starr, she didn't know how to use her Fuss powers without a ring as a focal point.

Now, her own memory of being ruthless to other people filled her with a sudden fear of retribution, and she surprised herself by tearfully begging for her life. When Quinine did not reply instantly (he simply was looking around, lest any foe sneak up on him), she cried out, "If you let me live, I can give Mopey-One the answer he seeks!"

"I would have spared your life anyway," the victor told her; "but I'll ask for leniency at your trial, if you do indeed provide that answer for my friend."

So she told him, and was led away alive as Quinine had said.
 
We return to Planet Jinobrid, the place with centaur-like natives, in the galaxy beyond the Red Streak Wormhole, starting two or three days before the time of the previous post.

Green Flashlight Chief Instructor Indabog had hit upon a way to break the figurative logjam on the island of Weejarzee. On a visit to the Thinking Lodge, the massive demi-human spoke mildly to Folgratz ti-Shoga, the top spokesman for the "world bowl" myth. The key line of his talk was: "There must have been a time when your people did not know the locations and size of all your world's islands, but now you know them all. Surely it is possible also that there is more to learn about the entire cosmic dish."

Whether because he was being offered a way to save face, or because he just didn't want to seem intimidated by the off-worlder's knowledge, Folgratz consented to the suggestion which followed. Craftsman Shifraf ti-Winloth, a centauroid who had been friendly all along to the Green Flashlights, and to the visiting Hoofmarkians who were similar to Jinobridons, helped Folgratz to reach this decision, by volunteering to share in the proposed adventure.

So it was, a day and a half later, that Indabog joined Yinzubra, a female member of the Janitors of the Universe, in forming a survival sphere for space travel. Either of them could have done this unassisted, but they were concerned for the safety of redundancy. No harm could be allowed to befall their six-limbed passengers.

Then up they went: not merely off the ground, not merely beyond Jinobrid's atmosphere, not merely out of this red-sun solar system, but out of THE GALAXY. Many thousands of light-years away from their starting point, they all gazed back down at the galaxy's plane of ecliptic. They saw the spiral of stars-- the ROUND spiral.

"There, Stallion Folfgratz, is the true bowl," said Yinzubra. "It is round, and it does indeed contain your world. It also contains other worlds. The individual worlds do not need to be bowl-shaped, for the Great Bowl to exist."

To the delight of Shifraf, and to the relief of the two non-centauroids, Folgratz responded favorably; even thanked Indabog and Yinzubra for increasing his knowledge. The timing of this breakthrough could not have been better-- because two of the Flashlights on the mission to Jinobrid would soon be needed back in the Milky Way Galaxy.
 
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On the day after Folgratz was led to reason, the starfish-like Zuha Zuzob and the lobster-like Chubkripdak received a communication from the Flashlight Corps headquarters on Planet Wawa. The first comrade Zuza saw after she heard the summons was the human Flashlight Parbellik Magta.

"Parbellik, you've been doing very well with the Jinobridons. Do you think you and Indabog will be all right here if Yinzubra, Chubkripdak and I need to get back to Wawa?"

"Um, I suppose. But what's this about?"

Around the same time, Chubkripdak was relating what he had heard to Indabog. When Indabog asked the same reasonable question as Parbellik had asked Zuha, Chubkripdak answered similarly to Zuha:

"Yinzubra needs to get back to help organize a mission. Zuha and I are needed to be IN the new mission. You know who the Heart Sapphires are, don't you?"

"Regrettably, yes, I do know about them. I once met one of them who was close enough to my size, that she was almost pretty to my taste. And she was a terribly smooth talker. If you're being assigned to deal with them, remember: they can make evil seem good, make bitter seem sweet, and make night seem like day."

Chubkripdak made the gesture with his secondary forelimbs which served as a nod for his species. "But what they CAN'T do is appear beautiful and charming to a lobster or a starfish."

At the same point in Zuha's conversation with Parbellik, Parbellik (just like Indabog) asked, "Then are the Heart Sapphires using their influence to subvert a human or near-human world right now?"

"So they are," the starfishoid replied. "None other than the Earth-variant where John Stewmeat lives. When he learned that they were destroying his civilization in his absence, he appealed to the Janitors for help. The Janitors are summoning twelve or fifteen Flashlights to whom any humanoid looks funny at best, definitely not alluring, to break the emotional hold the Sapphires have on that Earth."
 
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Yinzubra conferred with some of the Hoofmarkians, whose own scientific level was high enough to have much to teach their less-advanced fellow centauroids. Indabog and Parbellik would still be around as resources. Then Yinzubra convoyed Zuha Zuzob and Chubkripdak to Planet Wawa in the Milky Way Galaxy.

John Stewmeat, finally back at one hundred percent, was there. The ultra-high science of Wawa had completed his physical regeneration. The Sushi siblings and She-Hunk had come to Wawa with him through a dimensional tunnel relay, had been introduced to the Janitors, and were now standing off to one side, waiting to hear the outcome of deliberations in the Flashlight Corps. More than a hundred human or human-like Flashlights, disqualified by their body shape from the impending mission, were milling around, eager to hear what was up. Chubkripdak saw and greeted the blocky, no-neck Falfoozian Poradsimu, the one with forward and rearward eyes, who had been with Chubkripdak's predecessor in the defense of Earth-Whichever. Both of them then hurried over to greet She-Hunk, Woman Torch and Unfindable Man.

One Flashlight whom neither Chubkripdak nor Zuha nor Poradsimu nor John had ever met was a female Brabsool from Planet Mumswee, named Fazlendel. Zuha was acquainted with her. Fazlendel's body was generally bird-shaped, which did help conserve the charge in her prosthesis where flying was concerned. Her Flashlight artifact was bonded to the upper surface of her beak. Her main bodily means of manipulating objects was two long prehensile tails, rooted on either side of her lower body, which could reach forward on either side. When introduced to Chubkripdak, Fazlendel politely asked him questions about his underwater life; as a winged creature, she had never gone out of her way to join in underwater adventures.

About half of the Flashlights tapped for the Jersey Earth operation were of insect-like races. They were all courteous about finding humans icky to behold, but for sure the Heart Sapphires could not exert any power of beauty upon them. The most sociable of these was also a female of her mantis-like species; no, she would not eat her mate, the Flashlight Corps frowned severely on this practice. Her name was Zaz-Chispa, and Poradsimu knew her. Poradsimu asked her about some villain called The Red-Striped Shell; Zaz-Chispa said she had captured him a month ago, handing him over to the authorities on Planet Lobgak.

Of the chosen Flashlights currently present at the assembly, just one more WASN'T arthropod-ish: a baboon-like male, smaller than most of the Flashlights around him, named Jamsorvad. He knew the human Flashlight Parbellik Magta, and asked Zuha how Parbellik was doing on Jinobrid.

Flashlights who weren't acquainted, but who knew each other to be in on this mission, began hastily getting to know each other, so they could exchange opinions on how the expedition would turn out. Zaz-Chispa talked with Chubkripdak, Zuha talked with Poradsimu, Fazlendel talked with two of the insectoids, and so on.
 
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Two more non-anthropoid Flashlights arrived, both from reptilian races. Gramsuli was a turtle-ish female with opposable thumbs, and the male Twishdok resembled a velociraptor. Janitor Katmatao addressed the assigned Flashlights, and all others who were present to hear.

"The Heart Sapphires, rank and file that is, believe themselves to have been founded by a woman. All being women, they are of course led now by women; but the one who created their Sapphire artifacts was King Highfyver of New Laziness. He didn't want to fight his rival Twerpseid: not because of cowardice in the usual sense, but because he so fervently desired a universe without conflict. So he reckoned he could undercut Twerpseid without bloodshed, by converting entire planetary populations to pacifism.

"The work of the Sisterhood was far from always being harmful to the humanoid races they visited. There were in fact worlds where senseless hatreds and biases caused perennial violence, and when dealing with such conditions, the Heart Sapphires genuinely turned things around more often than not. But because all of them were doctrinally committed to operating by emotion, they failed to analyze causes of strife. Their approach became a one-note melody, simply promoting shallow sentiments. Increasingly, any good they did was mere good luck; and when they did harm, they convinced themselves that they just HAD NOT DONE ENOUGH OF the emotional persuasion which in fact was CAUSING the trouble.

"A major keystone of their philosophy is the million-times-disproven claim that both sides in any conflict must be equally guilty. It became their dogma that 'It takes two to fight,' so if only one side became pacifistic, the other side would automatically turn pacifistic also. They could have shaken off this delusion just by observing the behavior of Twerpseid toward every other world; but they FELT that they were healers and bringers of enlightenment, and only the feeling mattered.

"In our effort to repair the damage done to John Stewmeat's Earth, we must not and shall not resort to violence ourselves. If we tried outright to kill the Heart Sapphires, the defensive-protective nature of their powers would almost certainly enable them to make a withdrawal without being harmed by our efforts..... and they would come away only STILL MORE convinced that their way is the correct one."

One of the insect-like Flashlights, a female, gestured for permission to speak. "Master Katmatao, how DO we reverse the damage they did?"

"We will, in a manner of speaking, beat them at their own game. We will be more constructive in our actions than they are, because we WON'T follow blind emotional impulses."

Another insectoid, a male, remarked, "I understand that this Earth-variant has never seen any Green Flashlight except John Stewmeat, their own fellow human; but the Sapphires, all being human or human-like, are not frightening to them. I understand the rationale for non-humanoid Flashlights being sent on this mission, because we can't become intoxicated with human-type visual attractiveness; but I'm afraid that we'll terrify the very people we're trying to liberate."

"The solution," said Yinzubra from her place beside Katmatao, "is that John Stewmeat will precede the arrival of the rest of you on his native Earth, letting his people know they have nothing to fear from you."

The female arthropod who had spoken previously now chimed in: "Meaning no offense to John, some of us are aware that he has a past emotional history with one Heart Sapphire Sister named Nolarivu Pamizo. Will this not make him vulnerable to being swayed by her?"

John himself replied to her concern, saying, "Yes, I do still have feelings for Nolarivu. I first encountered her on a world where she actually was doing some good, because in that case both sides in a war WERE equally guilty. I will not now underestimate the effect she might have on me. When I first return to Earth, one of you will arrive at the same time, probably Poradsimu because I already know him. I will ALWAYS have at least one of you non-humanoid Flashlights beside me. I'll never be alone with Nolarivu-- greatly though I will wish to be alone with her."
 
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By force of habit, the Janitors had originally meant the expedition to Jersey Earth to be of Green Flashlights only. But it made sense to add metahumans who had shared a great adventure with John and Poradsimu. It didn't hurt that She-Hunk could not be inferior in beauty to even the most gorgeous Heart Sapphire Sister. After more discussion, teams were defined. No one would go in alone.

John Stewmeat would have his wish to be accompanied by Poradsimu. In addition, Sushi Strum the Woman Torch would be with them. The idea was that Sushi would have a feel for other women's moods and intentions; and her presence would head off any attempt by any Heart Sapphires to claim that John "wanted to suppress independent women."

Given the common human reaction to bugs, no insectoid Flashlight would fail to be accompanied by a NON-insectoid. The mantis-like Zaz-Chispa would accompany the reptile Gramsuli. Twishdok, Fazlendel, Zuha, Chubkripdak, Jamsorvad, and She-Hunk would each be partnered with an arthropod Green Flashlight. This left two more insectoids of the Corps, both females. Their names were Hobshimti and Wagdorda; they were both considered "tens" by the beauty standards of their own races; and they both had noble, virtuous, compassionate personalities. But of all the insectoids now gathered, these two were by far the most terrifying to human eyes. So they would both go with Jimmy Strum-- who could render them invisible.
 
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Back in the neighboring galaxy, on Planet New Laziness, the extremely tall Heart Sapphire named First-Seven-Notes- of-Stairway-to-Heaven-Followed-by- Two-Coughs had been joined by another high-seniority Sapphire Sister named Rohavra, who had green skin (lighter than She-Hunk's) and white hair. Highfyver told the new arrival:

"My surveillance assures me that you have your latest client world well tamed. As far as I can ascertain from here, NOT ONE of the native humanoids there has raised ANY logic-oriented questions to you or to your junior Sisters for a full year by their calendar. Your performance has been flawless."

Rohavra inclined her head. "Thank you, Your Majesty. Are there any changes you want me to make there? Or is another untamed world in need of my ministrations?"

"Your second guess is closer to the truth. I foresee a reversal occurring on the Earth-variant where Da-Da-Da, Da-Da-Da-Da, Cough-Cough has been working. Not by any fault of hers, but due to outside interference by unenlightened persons who do not appreciate cosmic balance."

"And you wish me to assist Sister La La La La La La La Cough Cough in preventing the reversal?"

"Correct; and in the same stroke, you will achieve at least a fractional correction in the current IM-balance. We are unable to restore to our opposite numbers ALL the power they formerly possessed; but as an act of good faith-- I should say, of NEUTRAL faith-- the two of you will share the power YOU possess with one who was robbed of dignity by intolerant fanatics."

Stairway-to-Heaven-Cough-Cough elaborated, "His Majesty refers to the wisest and best of Awkwardlispian royalty, meaning of course Princess Grrrryll. We cannot give her back the muscular might she once possessed; but she also formerly enjoyed the ability to drain Green Flashlight artifacts of their energy, and you and I will be able to restore this gift to her at least partially."

Grrrryll, who had already been told what Highfyver meant to do for her, was escorted into the King's presence by soldiers like the ones who had proven awkward at making a first contact in Cambodia on Urth. She was about the same height as Stairway- to-Heaven-Cough-Cough; not nearly as attractive, but she did have wonderful glossy black hair.

"Heart Sapphire ladies, I appreciate your enlightenment, as do my father, my brother and Lord Trippenwonk. The universe will be better off by your wise recognition that good cannot exist without evil." So spoke the formerly super-powered woman who had always sought, and always would seek, to eliminate goodness everywhere.

"You shall presently enjoy the life-sustaining and peacemaking talents of a Heart Sapphire," declared Rohavra, "which of course will include the ability to travel across galactic distances with ease. You will not regain your power to drain Green Flashlights of their cosmic energy; but whenever a Flashlight prosthesis is in active use anywhere near you, its power will be diverted enough to restore, temporarily, some of your magnificent bodily strength."

Grrrryll embraced both Sapphire Sisters. "Most honorable Sisters, you will know the true gratitude of an Awkwardispian Queen." The Lazinessers did not comment about the implication for Twerpseid of what Grrrryll said; but it was not lost upon Wispy Mythical, who was again spying on the actions of his dubious King.
 
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In the General Assembly chamber of Jersey Earth's United Nations, Secretary-General Mike Trippleface was giving his third speech this week, again praising the Heart Sapphires for "abolishing hate from the world." He was elaborating on the "love" expressed by terminating disabled and elderly people..... when the central doors at the back of the assembly floor DISSOLVED.... and three persons walked in.

First came a lovely blonde woman, wearing what looked like fireproof clothing. Then came a biped creature with no really separate head, but with eyes, nostrils and a mouth between its shoulders, and what might be inset ears ON its shoulders. It proved to possess an extra pair of eyes in the back of its not-exactly-head, serving as compensation for not being able to turn its face. Obviously, like everyone on Jersey Earth by now, Secretary-General Trippleface knew that extraterrestrials existed; but heretofore he had met only extraterrestrials who were beautiful women, and none of those had ever behaved otherwise than pleasantly toward him. The demeanor of the blonde lady was coldly solemn; and somehow, the unreadable face of the alien with her seemed equally solemn. But worst of all, after the other two came Green Flashlight John Stewmeat, the superhero who had once shamed then-Mayor Trippleface for encouraging looters and vandals.

None of the delegates knew what the blonde woman could do; still less did they know what Poradsimu the Falfoozian WOULD do; but the sight of John Stewmeat imposed the hush which clear moral superiority can generate.

The Woman Torch did not ignite herself in this confined area, lest someone be harmed; but the two Green Flashlights brought her along as they levitated themselves to the podium. By prior agreement, Poradsimu rather than John or Sushi spoke first. His Flashlight artifact made his words understandable to everyone who heard him.

"Dignitaries of the United Nations! I trust that this visit is being broadcast in real time by your world's news media. If not so, then let media coverage begin at once. My name is Poradsimu, and I come from the planet Falfooz. I am a fellow member with your own John Stewmeat of the galaxy-wide Green Flashlight Corps, and my bodily appearance will assure you that our Corps has as much diversity as you could ever hope to find. John has explained to me, and Miss Sushi Strum here already knew, how strenuously persons like yourselves object to one group forcibly imposing its will on another group. Yet none of you seem to object to the outside interference which has lately disrupted all of your world's nations.

"I do not say that the Heart Sapphires are evil, but it cannot be denied that they did not ask for anyone's consent before they began transforming your Earth. We do not propose now to commit any violence against anyone; but some corrective action will need to occur." This much being said, he stepped away from the microphones, gesturing for Sushi to take a turn herself.
 
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Sushi spoke a little more slowly than Poradsimu had, since she didn't have built-in language interpretation. The United Nations' own interpreters would need time to cope with her unusual subject matter.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is Sushi Strum. Because your world has a Green Flashlight, you do know-- you already knew before the Heart Sapphires landed here-- that there are other worlds with people on them. Seeing my friend Poradsimu proves that those other people come in multiple shapes and sizes. But I'm not sure whether John Stewmeat ever told you a fact which might be more disturbing than Poradsimu addressing you." (John caught her eye and mouthed: No, I didn't.)

"Among the countless worlds in the universe, there are no fewer than twenty planets which in essence ARE EXACT COPIES of this Earth which you know. Most of them have a United States of America, and some of them have the United Nations. All of the divergences in history which define them, begin AFTER the Resurrection of Jesus Christ, because He declined to have to die by crucifixion more than one time.

"None of this invalidates your own history. You and your civilization are as authentic as anyone else. In a way, this Earth and others like it are privileged, because ORIGINAL Earth has no superheroes. But where superpowers exist, there will always be the question of how best to USE those powers. Heart Sapphires first came to this Earth earlier this year, whereas the Flashlight Corps has watched over it, not always openly, for many generations. The fact that Heart Sapphires came in while John here was away on a mission, does not exactly improve our opinion of the Sapphire Sisterhood's attitude.

"We are well aware that the Sapphires avoid violence; but there can be negative consequences EVEN from non-violent activities. We also can be non-violent, and we do not allege that the Sisterhood has not done ANY good here; but at a minimum, some --adjustments will need to be made. John, please take the podium now."

All Flashlights participating in this operation were aware of the moment when John Stewmeat began his address. It began a ten-minute countdown for all of them to appear at their own respective target sites.

 
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SEEDUBB EARTH, A FEW DAYS BEFORE THE PREVIOUS SCENE ON JERSEY EARTH:

Doubleslick, the high-grade Face Twister, had spent enough time in Leakymuria under the Pacific Ocean to collect plenty of intel. She had intermittently passed information to Secretary Hui Kai-Ma, and been given suggestions for what to snoop into next. The jackpot came when she discovered some of the tailless Leakymurian mer-people performing forced labor in punishment for some crime or other.

Doubleslick's next transmission to the Secretary (a Chinese Communist equivalent of Hamhanda Blubber on Terra) said: Breeding your own mer-people might work, but why not recruit some actual mer-people? I have identified several mer-people who would be glad to change allegiance. They don't have my organic disguise ability, but you could just alter their faces by ordinary means.

Kai-Ma liked the idea, and organized a raid to spring the convicts. Expert scuba divers carried out the raid, and Count Verygone was with them. The Count's mental power cast confusion on the guards, enabling a clean getaway for all the liberated convicts, without any blood being shed. Just as well NOT to risk having a deadly feud with King Aquaticman and his allies.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Meanwhile, Opposite Whoosh had decided he wanted to kill Doctor Unusual and be rid of him once and for all. He planned a dizzying sequence of forward and backward movements through time, theoretically too confusing for the sorceror's protective spells to follow, even if he was paying attention. In the end, Opposite Whoosh would phase through the ground under Unusual's residence, and murder him in his sleep.

The villain, however, didn't know that Lady Jazzica Ashtrayides had given Doctor Unusual a bottle of Jalapeno capsules. Using these had made the good sorceror's time-tracking power even greater than before, so that Unusual was more than ready to counter his enemy's moves. As a result, just BEFORE Opposite Whoosh pulled up alongside the magical hero's bed, the hero's fingers with perfect timing were already squeezing the triggers of a double-barreled shotgun aimed at exactly the right place.

And Opposite Whoosh was in The Bad Place before he had time to realize he had been outmaneuvered.

Meanwhile, Doctor Unusual put a wooden stake through the corpse's heart, just in case.
 
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Debate among superheroes as to whether Doctor Unusual "had the right" to kill his would-be slayer in self-defense lasted just long enough--

-- for Captain Patriot to remind everyone that, when saving New York from destruction during World War Two, he had needed to kill some bad guys.

-- for Aquaticman to remind them that he had had to kill some of his evil brother Lukewarm's warriors to prevent an all-out mass-destruction attack against the surface world.

-- and for all of the Teen Tryouts to remember that the still-missing Marysuefire could not have done less than slay Galactikang, to be sure he wouldn't wipe out Planet Latterdawn.

Soon afterward, on Peeper, an aspiring movie actress from Pacific City Peeped Doctor Unusual to lecture him that "If you take a life, you take your own." The sorceror temporarily changed her into a frog, which actually made her MORE intelligent.
 
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