Spacebullies Two: The Search For More Parody

Back on Srirachiss:

At the center of a windswept plateau, too high up for Habanero monsters to disturb them, the twin children of Muddy-Drip and Grainy were playing at frisbees. That is, if ten deadly, razor-edged flying blades could be counted as frisbees.

Stillneater, the grandson and (after his Uncle Groan) rightful heir of the virtuous Duke Neato, would catch each flying blade between fingers and thumb: fingertips above the cutting edge, thumb beneath it. Then he would throw the disc: not straight back at his sister, but obliquely, leaving the high-tech toy to curve back toward Gladiola. Gladiola, for her part, would bring an upraised palm beneath a cutter-frisbee as she rotated her whole body, then send it flying again.

Their mother and Penny Jezebel advisor, Lady Jazzica Ashtrayides, walked to and fro, observing her grandchildren's every motion, and doing her own warding-off moves when a blade flew near her. Suddenly she launched two more disc blades into the air, and exclaimed, "Reverse techniques!" At this command, Gladiola began handling the deadly disks the way her twin had been doing, and vice versa.

After another four or five minutes with twelve discs, Jazzica called out: "Capture blades!" In response, Gladiola caught and stopped five of the razor-discs, while Stillneater trapped and halted six. Jazzica stopped the remaining blade, which had flown off at an angle out of her children's reach. Neato's widow then beckoned her children to draw near. "You both did splendidly! Do you feel ready to try the game blindfolded?"

"Perhaps with just one disc-blade at first," replied Stillneater.

"Or maybe more than one disc, but unsharpened ones at first," Gladiola suggested.

Stillneater hugged his twin. "I like your idea."

Jazzica nodded. "So be it. The first time each of you does it blindfolded, the discs will be unsharpened. If this is going well after three or four sessions, I'll insert ONE sharpened disc in the group."

Gladiola smiled at her brother. "When Mother does this, you'll be able to tell by the sound which disc has a cutting edge."

Two minutes later, Jazzica received a walkie-talkie call from Chief Sleevecard.

"Duke Muddy-Drip has died AGAIN, my lady. Which is to say, he appeared to me, with more news to report before he died again. He remarked that, with all the evil forces working against us, it was only fair for us to have some plotline-convenient information which would enable us to counter the latest enemy activity."

"Is it about my daughter and my surviving son?" asked Jazzica.

"In part," replied Sleevecard; "but that part has less immediate effect on us than the other part. Groan and Trala, with their spouses, are far outside that part of the universe familiar to us. They are in fact investigating evil schemes of the Snarkonnens and Lazytaxies, but those particular evil schemes are directed against worlds with which we have no interaction. What affects US is the fact that the strike by starflight crews did not occur by chance; it was engineered by the Snarkonnens! The Naughtygators who took our contract for travel service, are secretly helping our mortal enemies!"

"What scumbags!" cried Jazzica. "What punishment can ever be cruel enough to inflict on those treacherous Naughtygators?"

Gladiola tapped her mother's shoulder. "How about this, Mother? Tell the Naughtygators now on Srirachiss that all of them are now candidates for the position of RULER OF THIS PLANET."

Stillneater grinned wickedly. "With all of the ordeals."

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

Sleevecard went promptly to the sort of apartment complex where Naughtygators were lodged when staying on Srirachiss. Accompanied by equal numbers of Ashtrayides soldiers and desert warriors, all wearing respirators to endure the orange mist the weird people subsisted on, he placed all of the strikers under arrest-- the still-mostly-human ones as well as the misshapen full-mutation Naughtygators. Catching up with the arresting party, Lady Jazzica needed no breathing protection; high-level Penny Jezebels were immune to nearly all poisons in existence. She had some choice words for the lot of them:

"All of you know, or should know, that you have been living on sufferance ever since the Spaced-Out Guild sided with the evil Calamari Dynasty against my noble husband. But in your cocky self-assurance, you all appear to have missed the significance of what happened recently when my second son, Groan Starr, came back to Srirachiss to be reunited with Trala-Lalia and me. Groan Starr arrived here on board an interstellar vessel which is not dependent on your powers, nor dependent on any aspect of Jalapeno abilities.

"Are all of you blind to the significance of this? Ships like the Selenium Falcon cannot cross galactic distances as rapidly as your ships can do under your mystical guidance; but they can cover such distances fast ENOUGH that we could make do with them at need.

"When Groan returns, I will ask him to communicate with the manufacturers of the Selenium Falcon, proposing to buy similar ships from them for Ashtrayides use. Your centuries-long monopoly is over and gone. If you want to salvage anything for your detestable Guild, you had better start playing fair. The greater speed of travel in your ships remains a bargaining chip for you-- but only if you DESIST from the treachery which leads me increasingly to prefer INDEPENDENT spacegoing assets."

The most senior Naughtygator present puffed himself up. "Do not give yourself airs, unrefined bio-human! While the Calamari Empire lasted, their strongest monarchs deferred to our wishes, lest they be left unable to enforce their will on subject planets. We have been the true shapers of the universe for countless generations! Even you overconfident Penny Jezebels cannot begin to rival--"

This was as far as the bloated creature got before Sleevecard put three bullets through his unnatural brain. One of the more-human Guild members tried to draw a gun of his own; but a dagger which appeared like magic in Jazzica's hand laid open his throat before he could aim.

Also present, silent up to now, were Jazzica's grandchildren. Amid the horrified silence as the altered humans grasped their vulnerability, Stillneater took off his own respirator, to show the disloyal Naughtygators that he also could inhale their orange fog without suffering harm. Gladiola followed suit.

"You have lived by treachery long enough," Stillneater declared. "As my grandmother says, this is your final chance to salvage some part of your position. If you give us even a very-belated allegiance, I pledge my word that you will be treated fairly in return, pardoned for past wrongdoing, and allowed still to control SOME of our galactic travel. This is the best offer you're going to get."

Jazzica pointed toward her grandson with her gory knife. "Yeah, what he said."
 
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ON !
ORIGINAL !
EARTH !

Motor traffic in Chicago had by now recovered its density and noise; but the poverty issues which had been worsened by massive lockdowns wrecking commerce and employment, had not subsided. Nowhere was this better understood than at the Saint Jerome Emiliani Shelter on the south side.

Father Aquinas Romero, a forty-ish priest with more healed bullet holes in his body than some veterans of Afghanistan, groaned with a certain aching satisfaction as he finished installing the last of six replacement windows on the front of the three-story homeless haven. This was in Lenten season, and for Lent Aquinas had decided that NOT hiring professionals for any repairs he could manage himself was a sort of indirect fasting. As soon as he descended from the scaffold which had been assembled by able-bodied parishioners, he encountered a posse. Leading the posse was Sister Elizabeth; the others were all of age thirteen or younger.

"Please, Father, will you read some more to us from The Witch in the Wardrobe?" asked six-year-old Duashakira.

Aquinas replied, "Will it be good enough if I read from The LION, the Witch AND the Wardrobe?"

Twenty minutes later, just after the Pevensies found shelter in the home of the Talking Beavers, eight-year-old Harun Ali asked, "Father, what's an allegory?"

The priest smiled. "An allegory is exactly what Mister Lewis DIDN'T write in this book. If you wrote an 'allegory' about Jesus, you would imagine someone else existing instead of Jesus, and acting kind of, sort of like Jesus. But in this book, Mister Lewis was not imagining someone else. He was imagining if THE ACTUAL JESUS took the shape of a lion for His appearances in the Narnian world."

Eleven-year-old Valerie, taller than many of the young listeners, waved a hand from the outer fringe of the group. "Father, I saw where Saint Paul said that after dying once, Jesus could never die again. So if Aslan is Jesus, how could He die another death in Narnia?"

Aquinas swept his eyes over all the children. "There's a thing called 'artistic license,' where someone making up a story sort of cheats a little bit, to make it a good story. Like space movies where you hear a noise from the spaceships, even though there can't be any noise in space where there's no air. Mister Lewis seems to have felt the story pulling him along with it, and he may have used some artistic license. But I also think that, once he saw what he had written, Mister Lewis would have said that Aslan's death WASN'T a second death for Jesus. Instead, Lewis would have said that Aslan's death was THE SAME sacrificial death of Our Lord, only sort of extending sideways into the fantasy world."

(None of these people needed to say "AsaLion" instead of "Aslan" out of any copyright concerns, because they were on Original Earth and speaking about the canonical novels.)

+ + + + + + + + + + + + +

Looking down from Heaven at the Chicagoan priest and his listeners, Clive Staples Lewis turned and remarked to Aslan, "I think he put that pretty well."


 
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On the Earth commonly called Terra, while two pairs of super-newlyweds began their honeymoons, the crime-fighter Green Dart was completely untroubled that the former Toxic Vine had forgotten her brief crush on him. He had never known her as other than an evildoer; so, although he was glad to know that she and Carly Whiz had turned good, he felt no sense of loss over a romance that never happened.

Besides, Tolliver "Green Dart" Crane had business to pursue. He had received a message from a fellow crime-fighter, asking him to come to Seoul, Korea. On this Earth, all of Korea was one nation, and NOT a Communist one, because superheroes had achieved the downfall of the North Korean tyranny without bloodshed.

In the shadow of the statue of Admiral Yi Sun-Shin (whose heroic history on this Earth was identical to the Yi Sun-Shin on Original Earth), Green Dart saw his trench-coated colleague waiting. This man was far from being the most powerful of superheroes, but still was a remarkable one. What first attracted attention was that he had no face. Or more accurately, his face was veiled or obscured somehow, seeming to be an absolute blank. No features could be seen; and the few criminals who had ever landed punches on his blank face had afterwards testified that they felt no nose, mouth, cheekbones or brows. Despite this, he was perfectly able to breathe, see, hear, speak, eat and drink. Food he ate simply disappeared into the blankness, yet was digested like anyone else's food.

No one could say whether the blank face had a cause-and-effect relationship with his special power; but his power was real. No one else was sure how it worked, but this man had an uncanny ability to find things out. If he ever ceased being blank-faced and lived a normal secret-identity life, nobody else knew who he was at such times. In the social circle of superheroes, he was known as The Inquiry. When he (presumably) caught sight of Tolliver in civilian attire, he called out, "Mister Crane! Thanks for coming!"

They shook hands; Inquiry's right hand was normal enough.

"Call me Tolliver. What've you been unearthing lately?"

"Something more momentous than the usual missing persons I spend so much time finding. Would you believe: a missing WORLD?"

Green Dart's ears pricked up. "You mean the alternate-Earths theory? I've always believed that somebody with secret knowledge was hiding something from us along those lines. After all, given billions of people making billions of decisions--"

"Wait right there, Tolliver. There is NO way that my eating kimchee instead of bulgogi would create a whole new alternate Korea. That kind of thing works in animated movies, but ABSOLUTELY no way do we get whole extra universes out of one teenage girl planning for law school instead of an arts academy. The truth is exactly the opposite. We don't create surplus galaxies by our daily actions; rather, a finite number of additional Terra's, and probably of other planets too, allows history to proceed in multiple alternate paths."

"All right, Inky, what is this leading up to?"

"I've determined that somebody has discovered a dimensional passage to another world. And she plans to use it in ways she'll end up regretting."

"Who is this woman?"

"The infamous Hamhanda Blubber. She may have muscle with her; so in addition to you, I've called in another superhero: the one who smells and hears everything, but fears nothing."

Green Dart nodded. "You mean Dreadfuldevil: a good fellow to have at your back in a tight spot."

"Right, and he's coming now. In plain clothes, just as we are, but ready for action."
 
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Mutt Muckrake, the blind trial lawyer who was also the crime-fighter Dreadfuldevil, had been working on a class-action lawsuit against the scheming Hamhanda Blubber, for the vast property damage caused by her illegal operations. Less than two days ago, The Inquiry had become intuitively aware of Mutt's investigation, and had shared information with him. This had led to Mutt getting away from lawyer work as soon as he could, and catching a flight to Korea.

Once Dreadfuldevil joined Green Dart and Inquiry, they headed in a direction indicated by the blank-faced hero. Coming to a subway station, they sneaked along a utility-service tunnel. Then:

"Here we are. Dreadfuldevil, I'm not ALL-knowing. Please listen at this door. Green Dart, please get ready to fling darts if we meet opposition."

* * * * * * * * * * *

In a plotline-convenient forgotten chamber, there stood an ominous artifact: a Starhatch.

Beside Hamhanda stood a dozen evildoers who WEREN'T in the Sacrificial Squad; Hamhanda was, in fact, pals with them. These crooks, all Korean citizens who could speak English, had no direct equivalent on any other Earth; all of them wore sturdy helmets and carried pogo sticks. They were a low-class gang of thieves calling themselves (when they spoke English) the Pogostick Platoon. They knew the streets of Seoul; they had adapted Taekwondo skills to fight from pogo sticks; and they had the merit of being grateful for any opportunity to rise in prestige among Asian criminals, thus accepting miserly pay.

Out in the tunnel, Dreadfuldevil whispered to The Inquiry, "They're speaking to each other in English. Something about summoning a horrible being from another dimension: a being they believe would even defeat Captain Sha-Na-Na. They call it Skreendoormamu. Miss Blubber seems to believe she can actually control it."

"Fat chance of that," hissed Inquiry. "I've heard of Skreendoormamu."

"And I don't WANT to hear about it," hissed Green Dart. "We need to stop them before they can summon it!"

Inquiry nodded to Green Dart, then whispered to Dreadfuldevil: "In case your psionic radar wasn't able to figure this out, the men with Miss Blubber have pogo sticks. Fight accordingly."

Green Dart thrust three explosive darts into the door crack, activated their fuses, retreated several paces, and took a tranquilizer dart in each hand. When the detonations loosened the door, Dreadfuldevil threw his weight against it and forced it fully open. Inquiry rushed in ahead of his friends, firing pistols with both hands to inflict disabling wounds. He put five of the pogostickers out of action in a hurry; then two others, lowering their heads as they launched themselves, knocked the wind out of him with their helmets. Hamhanda Blubber, meanwhile, was chanting noisily in a language the heroes didn't recognize. Inquiry knew that it wasn't Korean; but they could all make out the name of Skreendoormamu.

Green Dart took out two more pogostickers with his tranquilizer darts, before being knocked down in the same way as Inquiry had been. This left Dreadfuldevil carrying the brunt of the fight. Despite Inquiry's warning, the unfamiliar maneuvers of the Pogostick Platoon confused the blind hero's radar power, and he took some bad hits. But Green Dart recovered, lunged at the nearest still-active pogosticker, and bodyslammed him onto the concrete floor. Once the dart specialist began pummeling an additional criminal, Dreadfuldevil grew less confused, and was able to defeat the remaining three.

Meanwhile, however, the Starhatch had begun glowing with a diabolical blaze of red light.... and something shadowy, with huge eyes, was becoming visible. Miss Blubber was cackling in foolish triumph. But in this moment of supreme necessity, The Inquiry intuitively sensed what he needed to do. Grabbing Miss Blubber's ankles from behind, the blank-faced hero lifted and heaved. Suddenly screaming in fear, with her magical chant not quite completed, the full-figured and fully-obnoxious plotter hurtled through the Starhatch, into the apparent clutches of Skreendoormamu.

The gateway went inert, cutting off the cries of the vanished villainess.

The victorious Inquiry had had no chance to reload his pistols, but they had several bullets left anyway. While he kept the pogostickers covered, Dreadfuldevil tied up the unwounded ones with lengths of climbing cord. Green Dart made a radio call to alert the Seoul police; then he and Dreadfuldevil rendered first aid to the bullet-wounded crooks.

Just over one minute later, the Starhatch lighted up again. For an instant, the three heroes thought they were toast. But the only thing which came flying through the portal was Hamhanda Blubber, unconscious but still alive.

A rumbling voice, almost too deep for human ears to hear, said: "If human beings on this planet are like her, I don't even want to invade here! You are all disgusting; just leave me alone!"

Then, to the profound relief of the heroes, the Starhatch went dead.
 
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Change of scene

The inhabitants of Seedubb Earth, because they had a Green Flashlight living in their midst, already knew at least vaguely that other inhabited worlds existed. Still, Ryan Pebbles himself had been born on Seedubb; it was another matter to have unequivocal extraterrestrials visiting this Earth in person, on short notice. Perhaps ironically, when images of the dog-man Puke became available, his unabashed yet unthreatening other-ness put people at ease.

Groan, Vixen, Trala, Bunkem and Santiago, all fully human, seemed more paradoxical than an outright non-human from some just-plain-alien planet. Irish North had her hands full assuring her world, on all possible media outlets, that the coming of Groan Starr's party did not signify any sort of body-snatching invasion. She privately hoped that no one would think to question the visitors' plotline-convenient ability to speak English (and Spanish in Santiago's case). On this point, she could be optimistic; no one on Seedubb ever questioned space aliens in "Star Trip" movies being fluent in English.

World governments generally took the news well; dealings with the Earth-native yet very different Tatlateans had been a mind-opening experience for surface-dwelling humanity. Several delegates to the United Countries direly insisted that somehow this was an evil Israeli plot; but not one superhero took their accusation seriously.

With Green Flashlight helping to clear air traffic. the Selenium Falcon landed in Generic Large City, at the nearest suitable place to Spark Laboratories. Captain Patriot, Spiderweb-Man, and (the actual) Goldfinch came to greet Groan's party.

"Welcome!" said Spiderweb-Man. "I greet you in the name of the whole human race. Well, anyway, the Seedubb human race."

"Welcome, in the name of the United States of America, which hosts the research installation you will be visiting," said Captain Patriot.

"Welcome, in the name of the Teen Tryouts!" said Goldfinch, immediately approaching Santiago to shake hands. "I'm called Goldfinch."

Though smiling, Santiago's expression betrayed some feeling of doubt. "Perdoname, but you have a mask. Are you a substitute wrestler?"

"What? Oh, right. The wrestler you spoke to by radio, Luchador Hidalgo, is on his way here from Urbanopolis. I do know wrestling techniques, as well as kung-fu and escrima; but I've never had to fight a vampire."
 
Luchador Hidalgo's guest-referee appearance at the Urbanopolis University Sports Complex worked out well, and the masked hero completed this task just in time to avail himself of magical transporation back to Spark Laboratories.

Alphonse Nickelworth, now being vigorous again, and Harpy Nickelworth, now being virtuous, had been offered the pleasure and privilege of acting in Batfellow's place. They would be the first inhabitants of the Bat-Grotto (besides Goldfinch) to meet the visitors from Directvideo and Srirachiss. They, and Senor Hidalgo, were being provided transportation by the good sorceress Zoorama, who had prepared an authentic flying carpet for the occasion.

Zoorama sat in the left forward quarter of the carpet, analogous to a driver's seat. Harpy was beside the "driver," with Luchador Hidalgo behind Harpy and Alphonse behind Zoorama. Part of the magic of the carpet, naturally, was not only that it would not let its riders fall off, but also that it would not allow the surrounding air to strike the riders with any significant force. The sexy sorceress found an altitude with a favorable tailwind, and they made over four hundred miles per hour bound for Generic Large City.

The Mexican wrestler, being a confidant of Batfellow, not only knew Batfellow was Brutus Dwayne, but also knew all identities of the Caped Campaigner's associates. With no unfriendly ears in range, Luchador felt free to speak frankly.

"Senora Nickelworth, me gusta mucho having the opportunity to congratulate you and Major Nickelworth on your marriage. I seldom get to see an enemy changing into a good person, since the vampires, werewolves and mummies I fight usually are evil beyond all remedy. But in your case, I can see in your face, and in the face of your esposo, that your transformation is totally genuine and permanent. May you become an influence on others to renounce evil-- both in your new crime-fighting role, and in your soon-to-be-renewed psychiatric practice."

"Thanks, big-boots. As you know, my girl Zoorama deserves a chunk of the credit for my spiritual Bat-turn."

"Speaking of which," put in the flying carpet's owner, "I augur that the new arrivals from space will be able to tell us plenty about the near-magical off-world power that helped us bring Harpy over to the light."

Alphonse displayed a dreamy smile as he gazed lovingly at Harpy while addressing Zoorama. "I also am intrigued by this extraterrestrial force for good. But my obligation for being made younger.... for being made more able to enjoy life.... is owed entirely to you and Doctor Unusual."

Zoorama smiled brightly over her shoulder at the butler-cum-secret agent. "Then you can easily repay us-- by lavishing Harpy with love, affection and wise advice for all the rest of your earthly days."

"I believe I shall attempt to do just that."

Harpy, being completely cleansed from evil, did not feel any of the bad-girl resentment she would formerly have felt against the suggestion that a MAN on the side of good could ever have wisdom that she lacked, wisdom that would be profitable to her.

The four travelers continued to enjoy their flight and their conversation. Which had one unfortunate aspect: none of them took any notice of a motorcycle rider who passed beneath them, heading in the direction of Urbanopolis. This rider was none other than the Face Twister who had masqueraded as Goldfinch, and who had evaded capture by superheroes.

He knew he could not safely approach Spark Labs now, especially since the Anti-Villain Device might cancel his shape-alteration. Accordingly, the disguised villain on the stolen motorcycle was in quest of reinforcements. But he was not in a hurry to call in the other Face Twisters assigned on Seedubb Earth, for the same reason as he was avoiding Spark Labs. Instead, he intended to locate and recruit Seedubb criminals who, like the hero Batfellow, DID NOT rely on metahuman abilities. "Ordinary" criminals, but highly talented ones, should be able to operate unhindered by the Anti-Villain Device....
 
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Green Flashlight Ryan Pebbles, with obligations to more than thirty other planets which were not versions of Earth at all, was not any part of the Spark Laboratories organization. Having helped Groan Starr's party to link up with the planetary heroes, he flew over to rendezvous with Zoorama's flying carpet, so he could share with that group as much as he knew about the space-alien situation. This being done, he departed atmosphere and set out for the planet Rammalammadingdong, where he was needed to help the not-at-all-humanoid natives prevent a disastrous war.

Being shown around Spark Labs, Puke was above all interested in what food was available. Trala-Lalia was full of questions, asking the Seedubb residents about Earth-dwelling politicians. Turning to Captain Patriot in particular, did their politicians have to undergo torture in order to hold office? Groan wanted to know if superheroes on Seedubb Earth used any form of The Fuss; he was sorry to receive a negative answer. Bunkem and Bot were both intrigued by the computer systems of Spark Labs.

Santiago chatted with Goldfinch as an age-peer, trading observations about their two homeworlds. Having heard about Luchador Hidalgo fighting against horror-movie creatures, the wildlife-protection worker knew that no such monsters really existed where he came from. "Do all of those really exist here? Not just in movies?" Goldfinch assured him that Seedubb really had monsters, which meant plenty of work for superheroes of every sort.

After everyone had lunch in the laboratory cafeteria, the telekinetic girl Raisin came in with a report: "The Queenkraken--" (Raisin would be compelled to explain what the Queenkraken was) "--has made it through the Nicaragua Canal, carrying the intruder spacecraft. She'll bring it on up the Mississippi River; then Dwayne Enterprises will furnish a heavy-lift cargo helicopter to transport it to Generic Large City." Turning to face Captain Patriot, Raisin added: "The Defense Department asks you to head up ground-level security for the final stage of the trip."

\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \

Riding on the Queenkraken up the great river (no burden to her, given her gargantuan size), Princess Reelnyce found plenty of time to converse with Beef Boy. She had already known of the existence of the Teen Tryouts, in part from Aquaticman who knew them all; but although she could breathe air, she could not WALK on land without artificial means. And her own oceanic world provided plenty of experiences and responsibilities to keep her occupied. Only when her father King Ragu succeeded in opening regular cultural exchange with surface people had Reelnyce been given cause to pursue surface knowledge actively.

Now, in her lately-found new acquaintance with Beef Boy, Reelnyce had the best of both worlds. Beef Boy could answer most of her general questions about the surface world; and he could DO the answering while they were in HER native environment. He needed no artificial help to live where she lived; he could assume a water-breathing form with no time limit.

He was, in short, capable of actually assuming a FISHFOLK anatomy, with a complete genetic match in all attributes that mattered.

Considering that the distinctively-formed Fishfolk, her own ancestral race, constituted less than one-eighth of all the Tatlantean-connected sea people, Reelnyce could not avoid reflecting on the shortage of prospective husbands for her.

Beef Boy was younger than Reelnyce. Right now, neither of them was of legal marrying age by surface-world standards. But Reelnyce WOULD be marriageable in less than a month; and in less than four months, he would be likewise. No harm in cultivating his innocent friendship between now and his eighteenth birthday. On the day after Beef Boy turned eighteen, perhaps she could make him understand that HE could have the best of both worlds. He could live in Fishfolk shape most of the time, being her prince-consort, yet switch to land-living forms when he was needed for land-side superhero duty....
 
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SLIGHT change of scene

The return of the Anti-Villain Device to good-guy hands had put evildoers on Seedubb Earth in disarray; especially in this Earth's United States, which was the home country of Spark Laboratories. Consequently, as had been experienced by Batfellow, and as had been figured out separately by the now-fugitive Lazytaxie Face Twister, persons NOT relying on supernormal organic abilities would be less affected by the Anti-Villain Device's interference.

No less an evildoer than The Wisecracker, temporarily setting aside thoughts of reprisals against the former Harpy Grinn for turning good, had rounded up non-metahuman criminals for a counteroffensive. One super-powered villain had joined up, but would play his role far enough away from Spark Labs that they hoped he would be out of range of interference by the Anti-Villain Device. This was Opposite Whoosh; he was waiting at a vantage point on the east bank of the Mississippi River, a short distance south of Kentucky.

When the Queenkraken came within view, transporting the captured spacecraft along with the sea people and Beef Boy, Opposite Whoosh went into action. Running right across the water, and running right up the Queenkraken's body before she understood what was happening, he grabbed Princess Reelnyce. Detaching her prosthetic legs to render her helpless on land, he carried her down the other side of the Queenkraken, across the water, and into the south end of Missouri, away from cities.

Aquaticman had to stay with the Queenkraken, to keep her on task. He did what he could at the moment, by making an all-stations radio call to superheroes, reporting the abduction of Reelnyce. Doctor Unusual was first to acknowledge, and said he would begin searching for the princess at once. Beef Boy, free to act independently, became a pelican long enough to fly some distance inland over Missouri, then became a bloodhound to track his new friend's scent.

Meanwhile, as planned by Wisecracker, Opposite Whoosh maintained his lead for another twenty-five miles, then met up with the super-criminal Scarycroak, who was in charge of a dozen ordinary armed thugs. This was one of the villains who had no super-powers, properly speaking, and so had less to fear from the Anti-Villain Device. With his mind-altering drugs, Scarycroak made Opposite Whoosh BELIEVE he still had Reelnyce in his clutches. It was hoped that this would draw the attention of any good-aligned magic-users who began looking for the princess. As Opposite Whoosh continued westward through rural areas, the men assisting Scarycroak loaded Reelnyce into a covered truck, so she would not be visible to surveillance satellites.

Wisecracker, with an armed contingent of his own, followed the situation also, but saw no realistic prospect of stealing the spacecraft from Aquaticman and his kaiju ally. He wasn't worried. Neither was Wisecracker's own latest ally-- another Lazytaxie Face Twister. They were just getting started.

Beef Boy, alternating bloodhound shape with greyhound shape, realized that he had lost his own compact radio transceiver, but was confident that other heroes would be able to pick up his trail. He couldn't let anything delay him now. There had to be an on-the-ground searcher in continuous pursuit.

For some reason, Beef Boy remembered a really stupid quasi-riddle: "Do you run from a bear because you're afraid, or are you afraid of the bear because you're running?" This remained stupid as worded; yet now the young superhero was experiencing something vaguely related to the saying.

Am I so frantic to save Reelnyce because I have feelings for her, or do I have feelings for her because I'm trying to save her?
 
Back at Spark Labs, Groan Starr, witnessing the sudden ruckus involving persons he and Vixen didn't know, suddenly realized that he himself had not DONE anything of great consequence since he had married the Directvidean princess. He turned to Cyberdork.

"My ship can operate in atmosphere. Do you want me to get airborne and help in the search?"

"Thanks for offering, but you haven't been here long enough to be familiar with air-travel regulations on Earth. On the other hand, these new-type abilities of yours, not quite the same as any metahuman powers I'm familiar with, might be highly valuable. I myself am able to fly, and can carry one person with me. Princess Vixen, do you mind if I borrow your husband?"

"In the circumstances, it's all right. I'm not up for a fight right now anyway; nobody has messed up my hairdo lately. Maybe the rest of us can be useful by telling your staff more about our own science and methods."

Thus it was that Cyberdork brought Groan along on his own search flight. Getting in touch with Doctor Unusual (who could also fly), they arranged coordinated aerial search patterns. They didn't find Princess Reelnyce, Opposite Whoosh, Wisecracker or Scarycroak; but they did find people in distress from unrelated causes.

This crisis was occurring in Saint Louis, which had the misfortune to be just like the Saint Louis on Original Earth. Traffic planning in both Saint Louises was abominable, and the streets featured countless treacherous dead ends. Groan and Cyberdork discovered that more than fifty Saint Louis motorists had been stranded in impossible cul-de-sacs for two days or longer.

Groan rose to the challenge of using his Fuss powers more mightily than he had yet attempted. Levitating cars and vans out of incomprehensible mazes which defied Euclidean geometry-- which is to say, out of the side streets of Saint Louis and its suburbs-- he moved them to places from which the drivers would have at least an even chance of making their way home. Cyberdork, meanwhile, hacked into the computer network which operated traffic signals in the metropolitan area, reprogramming the system until it became possible for a Saint Louis resident to get a GREEN light at least three times in a day.
 
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By the time Groan and Cyberdork finished untangling the Saint Louis traffic, Queenkraken and the Tatlantean royals were almost at the location for them to meet up with Captain Patriot.... and Princess Reelnyce had NOT been found. Getting in contact with his own party at Spark Labs, and being told that Zoorama's party would shortly be in Generic Large City, Groan asked for Vixen and Puke to join him and continue the search for the Fish Kingdom princess. They were willing and available; Trala and Bunkem would be more than adequate to furnish a Srirachian scientific perspective at the research center.
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Once Captain Patriot had assumed responsibility for the mystery spacecraft, Aquaticman told his queen: "You have deeper technological training than I have; you can represent Tatlantis here. I have a duty to look for the daughter of our ally Ragu." Maritima was in agreement.

So Spark Labs provided a spacious helicopter, with Blue Junebug to pilot it. The Queenkraken saved chopper fuel by carrying the helicopter on her back for a hundred miles or so going back down the Mississippi; during this, Groan and Cyberdork joined them. It was evening as Groan, Vixen, Puke, Aquaticman, Cyberdork and Junebug resumed the search for the missing princess.

A radio call came from Beef Boy: "I've trailed her scent to a music-themed resort called Country Kingdom. The mix of smells within the resort is masking her smell now; and I had to turn human again, to stop the resort management from calling Animal Control. But at least their security men are cooperating, cordoning off the resort in a low-key fashion. If the kidnapers were ever here, I don't believe they've left; and if they're inside the resort right now, it's unlikely they can leave unnoticed. Meanwhile, Kenny Garth Jones and the Mustang Minstrels are doing a great show."

Hearing this, Blue Junebug remarked to the others, "We haven't heard anything from Wisecracker since Harpy Grinn broke loose from him. That means he's had free time to plan-- well, anything he might be doing now. A big entertainment establishment would appeal to him as a staging area, no pun intended."

Aquaticman gravely nodded. "Yeah, and if he's been plotting something, if he's behind the kidnaping of Reelnyce, he has to be aware of what resources we good guys could bring against him. That includes even Doctor Unusual, who's sure to join us before long."

"Wisecracker would certainly try to devise countermeasures against good magic," Cyberdork agreed.

"Then maybe it's time to hit your Wiseguy with a different kind of attack," said Puke. "My space-buddy Groaner has his own kind of power, not the same as you've all got on this planet."

"Good thinking," replied Cyberdork. "Until we have any sign that we should do otherwise, I judge we should help tighten the cordon around Country Kingdom, while Groan joins Beefy in searching on the inside. Your seeing in darkness, Arthur, and your sense of smell, Puke, will help to keep the outside surveillance effective."

"Whatever the rest of you do," interjected Princess Vixen, "I'm going wherever my prince goes. We don't have any children yet, and I brought a purse which can hold a laser pistol."
 
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On the main outdoor stage, Kenny Garth Jones, leader of the Mustang Minstrels, was in fine form. Having just finished a song about losing two jobs and three girlfriends, he now began a song about losing three jobs and four girlfriends. The resort management had passed him a message, asking him to extend the performance, in order to keep as many patrons here as possible. The idea (not explained to Mister Jones) was to facilitate the combined efforts of resort security and superheroes to comb the resort, working from the outer perimeter inward, searching for any sign of a kidnaped teenage girl who had no hair and who had a fish-tail instead of legs and feet. At least the searchers were confident of not mistaking any OTHER mermaid for Princess Reelnyce.

Unfortunately, Doctor Unusual was not on hand to assist in the hunt. Scarycroak's diversionary trick had worked; Opposite Whoosh, running in the general direction of Wichita, Kansas, was radiating thoughts of supposedly having Reelnyce with him, and the good sorceror's mystic senses had picked up an impression of this honest belief on the hypnotized villain's part.

Not only was Doctor Unusual tricked in this fashion, but many law-enforcement officers whom he had asked to join in the chase were also thus lured after a red herring. The sinister speedster had a contingency plan in case the good guys began to overtake him in too great a force for him to fight against: believing himself to be discarding his imaginary captive, he would travel back in time to four days ago. This massive exertion of the Quickness Force would exhaust the Opposite Whoosh; but with his pursuers thrown off his trail, he would have all the time he needed to rest and recover in a standby hideout.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Back at Country Kingdom, searching for the princess, Beef Boy (in human shape for the moment) found himself joined by Aquaticman. "We made a good sweep outside the fence," the ocean monarch explained; "and then some policemen with night-vision goggles arrived, so I wasn't needed on the boundary anymore."

Unfortunately, the Tatlantean king's movements were soon hampered by swarms of girls and women, drawn by the sight of his athletic physique and storm-black hair. Despite informing these admirers that he was a married man AND was in the middle of urgent hero-business, they swarmed him. He called out over their heads: "Beefy! Look in the pond!"

Of course! The resort boasted a decorative pond more than a hundred feet wide.... and a WATER-BREATHING captive would be in no danger of drowning if stashed in there. Arriving at the pond's edge, the shape-changing Teen Tryout decided for the first time to assume the accurate form of Reelnyce's own race as he went into the water.

Sure enough, she was down there, unhurt but tied up. His hands shook from her nearness as he untied her. Smart enough to realize that no actual Fishfolk, even those who could breathe air as she could, would have come here overland, Reelnyce knew instantly who he was. After this, she thought, my royal Papa will surely look VERY favorably on Beefy as a prospective husband for me when we're both of age. Meaning I could have a consort I actually like! In the glow of this happy thought, she could and did omit any questions until she had spent at least half a minute emphatically thanking her liberator.

Beef Boy had never been seriously kissed in his life so far. Nor had the princess DONE any such serious kissing to anyone before now, but Beef Boy was in no mood to criticize her skill in this. When Reelnyce took pity on his bewilderment and stopped (for the moment), he was so happily confused that he forgot to assume a shape with legs in order to carry the princess out of the pond. She had to remind him of his own polymorphing power.

But their heads were barely above water when rescuer and rescuee saw cause to duck back under. Less than fifty yards away, Aquaticman was no longer mobbed by squealing women; the women had fled, and Arthur of Tatlantis was engaged in furious combat with seven men in what seemed to be powered battle armor. He had lost hold of his royal trident when crowded by the adoring ladies, and had not yet been able to retrieve it. Only the hardness of his skin had kept him alive in the first seconds of the attack, and even his royal hide had already taken some damage from the swords of his assailants.

Convinced that Aquaticman would want him first of all to keep Reelnyce out of danger, Beef Boy changed into the form of a Stonecrabber, one of the hard-shelled intelligent race which was subject to the Tatlantean throne. He instinctively knew how to fight using his new claws. Anyone intending harm to the princess would have to go through him.
 
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In the short time he had enjoyed his Fuss powers, Groan Starr had not yet found occasion to levitate the mass of an adult human being. But he had the good sense, when seeing the armored strangers assailing Arthur of Tatlantis, to realize what could happen to bewildered bystanders amid the abrupt violence. Indeed, some of the resort customers would have been slain already, were it not that the mystery soldiers were avoiding the use of guns in order not to hurt each other. Impelled to a great exertion by the emergency, Groan was surprised at how easily he could levitate one of the women who had previously crowded around Aquaticman. Accordingly, he began telekinetically moving civilians by threes and fours-- even more if some were children-- away from immediate peril.

The clearing of combat space, and Aquaticman incapacitating all seven attackers, were approximately simultaneous. On a sudden inspiration, as Arthur was retrieving the Trident of King Tatlan, Groan applied Fuss pressure against the largest wound on the ocean-king's shirtless, tattooed torso. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Blue Beetle shooting out something like a grappling cable to capture a man who had question marks embroidered on his clothing. Presumably a bad guy.

Two other men unknown to Groan were helpful enough to be wearing sweatshirts bearing the slogan "Goodness Is Dorky!" They were also stupid enough to aim firearms at Princess Vixen. Aware that Vixen already had her blaster held ready inside her purse, Groan wasn't worried, though he was prepared to Fuss-push them off their feet if necessary. Sure enough, though, Vixen beat her would-be slayers to the shot.

Since her hairdo had not been ruined by anyone, Vixen was not in a killing mood. Her beams, however, did wreck both crooks' gun hands.

A instant later, a ragged streak of white contacted Vixen's head. Her hair turned white, but not by losing its pigment. Her black hair had been whitened by FROST of some kind; and when she shivered, the shaking was enough to SHATTER her frozen hair. As brittle strands fell from her suddenly bald head, Vixen stared in astonishment. She was too shocked to be angry, even if she had known where to look for her attacker.

Aquaticman and Groan could do nothing about Vixen's abrupt cryo-headshave. They were just then being attacked by another armored adversary, this one able to fly. It was Aquaticman's bitter foe, Black Mahi-Mahi, and he had already temporarily knocked out Cyberdork with a diving attack from behind. (Cyberdork had been in the middle of deactivating the guns of several other gangsters.) Realizing that Groan wouldn't know about Mahi-Mahi's helmet-mounted armament, the ocean king threw himself between Groan and a deadly plasma burst. While not as invulnerable as any version of Superman, Aquaticman still was far better able to survive damage than ordinary people; but he did suffer critical dehydration from the burning.

The man-dog Puke, meanwhile, had seen who fired the freezing shot. Reacting like a Rottweiler, he charged at the arch-criminal Captain Chill. This was another evildoer with no organic superpowers, only an advanced weapon. Another shot from the freezer-gun froze Puke-- but could not break his momentum. Captain Chill was knocked sprawling, and lost hold of his weapon. Blue Junebug, having left The Baffler in the hands of resort security, hurried up and took possession of the villain's weapon. Looking plaintively around for any nearby super-friends, he asked, "Can anybody tell me how to reverse the polarity on this thing?" Junebug had seen too many old sci-fi movies in which "reversing the polarity" solves every technological dilemma.

Vixen hugged Puke, hoping that her own body-warmth would start to thaw him out. Meanwhile, Groan exerted his Fuss power once more, to pull Black Mahi-Mahi down to the ground..... helmeted head first. He did not say aloud that Mahi-Mahi's outfit reminded him of Dark Headgear.
 
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And just like that, all villains on the premises of Country Kingdom had been rounded up. All those not otherwise accounted for, had been run down by Cyberdork.... and his last captive had verified that Wisecracker had at least some connection to the kidnaping of Reelnyce, though the Clown Prince of Obnoxiousness was not here at the resort. Aquaticman's injuries were treated by paramedics who were employed full time by the resort.

Another employee, the actor and gospel singer Matthew Randy, who played a mingling pirate character to amuse families, asked Cyberdork who Black Mahi-Mahi was. Learning that Mahi-Mahi was a modern pirate, and hearing how vicious this real pirate was, Matthew made a note-to-self: Got to make sure that resort patrons understand, my comical character DOES NOT signify any sympathy or excuse for actual pirates.

The Mustang Minstrels came from the concert area, to thank the heroes for preventing any innocent people from getting killed. Princess Vixen, who had succeeded in thawing out Puke, walked up to Kenny Garth Jones. "What just happened to me--" (and she pointed to her own bald scalp) "--was the next worst thing to being killed. Do you entertainers have any wigs I could use till my hair grows back?"

"The souvenir shop has plenty of them," replied Kenny. "If your man doesn't object, I'll pay for one for you. Least I can do. Since you need a wig anyway, how 'bout a blonde one, just for variety? A Dolly Protein wig would look perfect on you."

"I don't object," said Groan Starr, "provided that you, Vixen, don't ask me if I like you better blonde or brunette, then treat any answer I give as the wrong answer."

Relieved that her husband and their furry friend were unhurt, Vixen replied playfully, "But I have to act like that, if I'm going to maintain my spoiled-royal-brat reputation."

"I prefer you as the royal tough chick, who pitches in and helps when there's an emergency."

Kenny slapped Groan's shoulder. "Yee-haw, good answer! I'll just go fetch that blonde wig for your wife."

Meanwhile, Blue Junebug extended a neural-pattern sensor from the exoskeleton that surrounded his human body, to touch the head of his captive, The Baffler. "This will alert me if you lie. Now, answer me: was the Wisecracker behind this abduction? Did he plan it?"

The thin-framed master criminal grinned. "I don't know, WHY IS the cracker behind the abduction? Because he's in a crumby mood? But no, he can't be behind it if he's the front man."

"I'll take that as a Yes."

At this point, they were joined by Beef Boy, who had now changed to what was merely a taller and more muscular version of his own self. In his arms he carried Princess Reelnyce, whose eyes never strayed from his honest, boyish face.

"As one princess to another," said Vixen, "I believe you have now found your dashing hero."

Sharing a smile with her social equal, Reelnyce answered, "And he is going to be my prince-consort, starting about one hour after he and I are both of legal age to get married."
 
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Again, A Summary

This brings me to the section which was affected by the system problems that Specter had to fight against many weeks ago. In the course of this task, the failing software deleted some of my posts. I was obliged to reconstruct those posts from memory; some details were lost, but I succeeded in re-creating the essentials of the erased entries. I remember originally writing that Stellar Sapphire lifts Aluminum Banshee's morale by insisting that Banshee is physically very attractive in her own right. I may work this into a later chapter at at a later time, but I was in a hurry to get SOMETHING posted.

>> The first new scene after the previous summary returns to "Urth," where Aluminum Banshee joins Atomic Scalp and Stellar Sapphire in switching over to the side of good. The telepathic mutant Charles Crazier vets the three former villains, and they are admitted to membership in the Justified League. The League holds a media conference to let the world know that three super-villains have turned good. As part of this episode, I explain that Urth's version of Superman has never bothered hiding his true identity, and that he married the Lois Lane counterpart early on. After the broadcast ends, the League members hold a meeting with my version of DC's Adam Strange., born on Urth, who has just lately revisited Urth with Proxima, my version of the Alpha Centauri love interest who was given to Adam in the early comics. The two spouses relate how Proxima's homeworld achieved a limited interstellar flight capability.

>> Change viewpoint to Drool from Planet Upsydaisylon. Traveling as a hologram, he cannot materially affect events on any world he visits, but he gives useful advice to various people he visits. Recipients of Drool's wisdom include characters based on Robert Heinlein's "Starship Troopers."

>> On "Seedubb," the most fleshed-out Earth-variant in my story, numerous heroes including a masked Mexican wrestler are taking an interest in the unmanned Lazytaxie ship which dived into Seedubb's ocean. Villains including The Wisecracker and The Baffler want to steal it; heroes including Aquaticman and Beef Boy are concerned to keep the ship out of evil hands. Beef Boy, since he can assume a water-breathing form, gets friendly with my version of the Fishmen's princess from the movie "Aquaman."

>> Far removed from any of the other activity summarized here, Green Flashlight Lucy Luminous is pursuing the anime-style she-demon called Mugwumpa. (That's the monster whom I showed fighting characters based on Asian entertainment, including my version of Tuxedo Mask from "Sailor Moon" cartoons.) Along the way, Lucy meets my versions of the characters from the silly Seventies TV series "Space: 1999." As for Mugwumpa herself, she finds an out-of-the-way planet where she can hide out and make the natives worship her as a goddess.

>> Fooldemall, the Lazytaxie Face Twister who visited Dark Headgear in prison, sets out to undermine social order on the planets Directvideo and Chimpanzia. To this end, he disguises himself as an ape official named Proconsul. Since King Lowbrain is not yet sure whether Groan Starr and Vixen plan to live on Directvideo full time, Fooldemall sees an opening to cultivate confusion over the planet's royal succession. Meedi Ogre, the Snarkonnen Baron of the planet Greedy Crime, keeps informed of the Face Twister's actions, while planning to send Admiral Blender on a mission to the planet Srirachiss. On Srirachiss, Lady Jazzica trains her grandchildren in Penny Jezebel techniques, and takes steps to thwart a mutiny by the space-crossing Naughtygators.

>> On the Earth-variant where my versions of the Falcon and the Winter Soldier fell in love with versions of Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn, I showcase my version of The Question, a less-known DC hero. Joined by my versions of Daredevil and Green Arrow, my character "The Inquiry" prevents an invasion of Terra by a version of Marvel's Dormammu.

>> Landing on Seedubb Earth, Groan Starr and his companions become friendly with the superheroes who frequent my version of Star Laboratories. When the Fishfolk princess is kidnaped, Groan plays an important role in rescuing her. Beef Boy, also taking part in the rescue, finds the humanoid fish-princess grateful enough that she resolves to marry him when they're old enough. This poses no problem, because Beef Boy not only returns Princess Reelnyce's feelings, but is capable of actually becoming one of her mer-people race.

In the midst of all this action, I insert one scene which is happening on our own actual Earth. I depict a Catholic priest named Father Aquinas Romero, who manages a homeless shelter in Chicago and is a fan of Narnia. Father Aquinas exists for the purpose of "breaking the fourth wall," giving my readers an idea of what I'm doing with my "never-ending story about stories."
 
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Change of scene


Within easy magical-flight range of an average version of Earth, a magical atmosphere-bearing planetoid basked in the sunlight of their home solar system. This was Hallpassgard, ruled by King Garryowen, who dwelt happily with his wife Queen Sprigga and their son Thunder-Master Thorpe.

Thorpe had been avoiding the local Earth (or "Mediumgard") ever since he had saved it and many other planets by slaying the monstrous Flatnose. In the wake of that victory, Earthwomen had begun frantically throwing themselves at him, but none of them seemed to be marriage material for him. It was not simply that they had a far shorter life expectancy than a Hallpassgardian; a plain human, if treated by Hallpassgardian medical science, could gain enough longevity to make a relationship worthwhile. Sprigga had always told her son that marriage, family love and friendship were all a matter of quality more than mere time-duration. But it was precisely the matter of quality which had made Thorpe leery of Earthwomen.

He remembered the attitude many of them had shown BEFORE he slew Flatnose. All sorts of actresses, female novelists, female athletes and so on, had used public platforms to sneer at him, telling the world that Prince Thorpe of Hallpassgard was an oppressor of women. They had never produced one specific, verifiable example of him even slightly oppressing women; and they obviously were not afraid of him doing them any harm in reply; but he simply "was" an oppressor because they said he was.

Thorpe had been away from Earth at the time when Flatnose invaded it, precisely because he was tired of being called an enemy of womanhood. But when The Revengists had called for his aid as Flatnose invaded Earth, he had answered the call, hurrying along the magical bridge Dentfloss. With him had come the loyal companions he called his Warriors Four:

>> Hoodunnit, a muscular Hallpasscardian who never smiled, but who treated people decently and was always faithful to his obligations.

>> Fratbro, Thorpe's golden-haired third cousin on Thorpe's mother's side, whose continual cheerfulness managed somehow never to annoy Hoodunnit.

>> Vastbulk, who weighed more than the first two put together, and who was often overly cautious but never actually a coward.

>> And the one female fighter in the group, Lady Sniff, Thorpe's beautiful fourth cousin on Garryowen's side. She was also the youngster of the team, being only about six hundred Earth-years old. Sniff had been desperately in love with Mighty Thorpe since she had been eight years old; but although their consanguinity was only very slight, he had always regarded her only as a little sister.

The particular Earth with which Hallpasscard had regular contact had never possessed its own versions of Iron Man or Hulk. This fact had made Hallpasscardian intervention all the more crucial when Flatnose had invaded. Apart from Thorpe, the mightiest heroes on the roster of The Revengists had been the quasi-sorceress Crimson Witch, the sapient android The Eyesight, and an African king and part-time dentist called Plaque Panther. Thorpe's Warriors Four, joined by Colonel America, the gorgeous redhead Blank Window, the kung-fu lady Lan Mu, the archer Hawkbeak, and Bleedem the Vampire Killer, plus the ordinary armed forces which a typical comicbook movie would have completely ignored, had handled the action against Flatnose's myriad foot soldiers, while their big guns went against Flatnose's big guns. But all would have been lost if, at the pivotal moment of the battle, an unfamiliar alien had not psychically contacted Thorpe in order to keep him on task.

This fact had remained on Thorpe's mind since the victory, and he wished to find out more about the mysterious Yoga-Rug.

After the downfall of Flatnose, Colonel America a.k.a. Steve Rusher and Blank Window had immediately gotten married, which everyone with any sense had known those two ought to do. On this Earth, Blank Window had not had any moping, self-pitying scientist to distract her from her logical soulmate; and the Colonel had been granted far better closure with his own past love.

On this Earth, Colonel America's apparent death leading to long hibernation had not occurred during World War Two, but nine years after war's end. The Colonel had married his original soulmate, Agent Penny Darter, on V-E Day; she had borne her first child, a girl, nine months and one week after their wedding. Steve and Penny had been allowed almost a decade of loving life together. Before Steve's apparent death in action against agents of the Soviet Union, he had been able to provide all of his children with an enduring example of honorable conduct for them to follow (and they all had). Penny had passed away from natural causes less than a month after Steve was brought out of hibernation, but at least they got to see each other again.

All of Penny's children had also still been around to see their father again. Although none of them had become superheroes, their father had cause to be proud of them because they had all grown up as very good people. The same was true for all of Steve and Penny's grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

Steve and Penny's entire tribe had attended the wedding of their patriarch to Masha Lomonosova a.k.a. the Blank Window. Given the fact that nothing had happened between Steve and Masha until more than a year after Penny went to her eternal reward, none of the Rusher-Darter progeny had had any objection to the Colonel now marrying a woman much younger than any of them.

The Revengists, including Thorpe's contingent, had also attended the wedding. Masha had purposely thrown her bouquet directly to Lady Sniff, and then both she and Steve-- along with Eyesight, Hoodunnit, Fratbro, Vastbulk and Hawkbeak-- had stared straight at Thorpe. Thorpe had been the only guest present who managed to be honestly oblivious to the hint.

In fairness to the Thunder-Master, he was preoccupied with his wish to find out more about the sorcerous being who had helped him at long range during the all-important battle.


HERE WE PAUSE for an impromptu reader poll.

My readers are probably familiar with the comicbook-and-movie characters I am parodying here. You might not know that, in the authentic Norse mythology, Thor DID marry Sif, and there was never any soap opera about it. They always both knew they were natural mates for each other. Seeing the Marvel movies, I always wished that the cinematic Thor and Sif would get together.

I definitely intend to do something nice for my "Lady Sniff," but there's more than one possible way to go about it.

Should I conform to canonical myth, and open Thorpe's eyes to see who it is that he SHOULD love and marry? Or should I allow Sniff to move on and find ANOTHER hero who notices her and is worthy of her love?

Since TDL is only now recovering from long doldrums, I realize that I need to wait for more members to return or join up fresh, before I can expect any response by readers to my question. Therefore, I'll keep the Thorpe-Sniff dilemma unresolved for weeks to come.
 
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Back to Seedubb!

While the readers were catching up with the Mighty Thorpe, Captain Patriot and the forces under his command thwarted an attempt by evildoers to capture the compact spaceship. Great action, too bad you missed it!

THAT was where Wisecracker was, commanding the mercenaries who tried to steal the ship while so many heroes had their attention on the kidnaping of Princess Reelnyce. It sure is a shame that you missed the battle scene.

Take it from me, it was an awesome bit when Wisecracker tried to shoot Captain Patriot. Wisecracker probably had seen the bit at the end of "Rogue One" where Darth Vader (frankly more skillful than Dark Headgear) warded off all the laser shots fired at him by rebel soldiers. Speed notwithstanding, Darth Vader's light saber was barely an inch wide; it COULD NOT literally be everyplace at once. The rebel gunmen should have used their multiple weapons to cover more area than Vader's lightsaber could cover continuously.

Wisecracker, with four of his mercenaries, did better than the rebel troopers in "Rogue One." They directed automatic weapons fire at Captain Patriot from different directions, repeatedly changing their angle of aim so that the Captain's shield couldn't block every bullet. The Captain suffered eleven bullet wounds; but in these conditions, he felt no duty to refrain from returning fire. Drawing a machine pistol, he killed all four of Wisecracker's companions, then broke Wisecracker's legs with his shield-edge.

During this action, Zoorama's party on the flying carpet reached Generic Large City. Luchador Hidalgo jumped off the carpet before it landed, and soon disabled five of the mercenaries. The gorgeous magician conjured a whirlwind to throw bad guys off their feet. And a bunch of other characters did cool stuff; you fill it in. Assume that this included Trala-Lalia coming out and using her flying spoon to disarm some of the gunmen. What counts is that the diversion involving Princess Reelnyce had not weakened the security of Spark Laboratories enough to make the difference. The bad guys trying to seize the Snarkonnen ship had in fact been helped by not relying on superpowers which the Anti-ViIlain Device could nullify; but it simply was not quite enough.

The reader is invited to imagine how it was when Alphonse and Harpy arrived in Generic Large City, where they could gloat over Wisecracker's defeat, and force him to witness how happy Harpy was to have a REAL man in her life.

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + +

Once the compact spaceship had been transferred to Spark Labs, the characters there finally determined its function. This was mainly Bunkem Isotope's doing.

"For much of my boyhood I was a slave on Greedy Crime, where I grew more familiar than I ever wanted to be with Snarkonnen methods and Lazytaxie science. I mean, in my boyhood in my original body, before Duke Neato liberated me. Obviously, my rebirth in my present Goulash body meant still more time spent among Lazytaxies, though at that time I wasn't in a very lucid state of mind. But I know that genetic modifications, and all sorts of cloning, are commonplace for the Snarkonnens and the Lazytaxies who work for them-- along with all the life-support arrangements to facilitate such operations.

"Cyberdork, these receptacles are intended to receive living severed heads and keep them alive, the same way as your metal components keep your surviving organic parts alive."

"Are you thinking that the Face Twisters were planning to take some Earth people's heads, and keep them alive as some kind of sample specimens to send home to Greedy Crime?"

Bunkem shook his head. "No, I mean that the Face Twisters intended to get THEIR OWN heads detached, and settled in the receptacles. They would know their bodies could be regrown at home, and they would trust the autopilot of the ship to fly them out and meet a Naughtygator warp-ship on the edge of your solar system. Whatever the means of their coming to Seedubb Earth in the first place, this plan, by not needing a large spaceship, was intended to enable a stealthy departure.

"If our ship hadn't come in-system when it did, it's likely that nobody would have noticed the retrieval ship."

"So," remarked Maritima, "ALL we need now is to figure out just what they wanted to accomplish on Earth."

"Sometimes the most obvious guess is the right one," the Mentalcat told her. "Although people in my part of the cosmos have many advanced capabilities, we don't have the SAME capabilities as yours. Baron Meedi would love to be able to duplicate your elemental powers, Maritima, or the speed of The Whoosh, or Beef Boy's shape-changing which is far more versatile than what Face Twisters can do. They may already have cells taken from superheroes."

There was a lot more talking after this. You can assume that other characters contributed to the discussion. We need to revisit some other set of characters next, get caught up with them.
 
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Rejoining my version of the Mandalorian


On the planet Toofah-Roff, many days had passed without any sign of more hostiles approaching. Accordingly, over one day's breakfast, the up-side Fuss master said to his friend, "I sense that you've become restless. My people and I appreciate all you have done for us, but we'll understand if you want to seek new adventures."

To say that Dim Jargon was eating breakfast is to say that a movable screen had been set up to keep his face unseen when he took off his helmet. In far-past antiquity, once ancient Banjolorians had come up with this idiotic idea of never taking off their helmets when anyone might see them, it had taken them about half an hour to realize they would have to do something about eating and oral hygiene.

When Dim finished eating, Yoga-Rug levitated a washbasin, a toothbrush and a tube of toothpaste over to his friend. Several minutes later, the screen came down, and the Banjolorian was faceless once more.

A sigh was audible from behind the visor. "I grew accustomed to being something like a father. Yeah, I can always go back to shooting outlaws; but it won't be as much fun after Gross-Goo."

Yoga-Rug stared at his friend, as if seeing through the visor. "Even with the Banjolorians adopting members, as in your case, there MUST be at least some cases when, you know, some Banjolorians just MAKE new Banjolorians?"

"Hmmm, now you mention it, I'm pretty sure they do, sometimes."

"Then you might get to be an actual father someday. Probably best if you can find a human world where no one's ever heard of Banjolorians, or Popquizzitors, or The Fuss."

Even with his face hidden, Dim Jargon appeared to perk up. "What about that world you contacted mentally, the one protected by women who could live in vacuum? You said that they normally had no interaction with Fuss users, right?"

"That's right. Apart from the Swimmer Scouts and what's called a Green Flashlight, they don't have a great many powerful fighters against evil. You could probably find work in your specialty easily enough. You might even rescue some good-natured, beautiful, unattached lady who's looking for a man who hides his face."

"You may have something there, Master Yoga-Rug. Provided you can tell me how to find that world."

Within two hours, Dim Jargon had programmed his ship's computer with the navigational data he needed, had provisions loaded, and said his farewells. "If you see Gross-Goo again, tell him where I'll be, in case he's able to drop by and say hello someday."

Dim almost mentioned also greeting Noherra Synthmusica, but finally didn't. The one Tryyurluck girlfriend he had ever had, had ended up trying to kill him. Not that he believed Noherra would turn out that way in the event of a relationship with her; but you never knew.
 
On Planet Spacebull

Dark Headgear, born Slick Mudpackis, finally had another non-law-enforcement visitor. He needed to control himself hard, lest he react openly and possibly ruin an opportunity for something good. His visitor was none other than Star Navigation Specialist Second Class Perry Kusshun.... from the former crew of the destroyed mega-mothership. This was the very man whose secondary duty had been playing the kettledrums when music was wanted on board.

The man who, after the destruction of the mega-mothership, had used a tympani to drop a vital power-supply unit onto Planet Chimpanzia, enabling Slick to get spaceborne again with President Snooze and Admiral Blender. That he was here, now, had to mean that he was loyal still.... or else that Jean Yuss hoped Slick would BELIEVE this was a friend.

A third possibility was conceivable: that this was the Face Twister who had sneaked in some days ago. But Slick had enough of his down-side intuition remaining, that he knew this wasn't the Face Twister. And since Mopey-One Kanoli had already been here and extracted information from Slick.....

"Hello, Petty Officer Kusshun. Have you also been arrested?"

"Arrested briefly, Lord Headgear. But I've been granted amnesty by Professor Yuss, because she wants me to lead the drum section in a new orchestra she's forming. So I enjoy freedom of movement.... AND access to modern media resources."

Slick tensed hopefully.

Kusshun smiled, AS IF his superior had said something. "Yes! I mean the chrono-visual system which treats real life as a movie in production. So I know that as I came in, you were wondering whether Professor Yuss hoped to use me against you in some way. The system played your thoughts for me as a voice-over. Then you wondered if I might be Fooldemall --that's his real name-- the disguise expert; but you sensed that I was not he. I can tell you this much about Fooldemall: he did not forget his intention of rescuing you, but his operation on Directvideo needs more time. So I'm filling in for him.

"While you've been incarcerated, several hundred of your sympathizers have been flooding social media with complaints against your imprisonment. They're all saying that Professor Yuss and her faction just hate you for being different."

"How's that working out?"

"Not very well. Somehow, a lot of Spacebullions have come to understand that opposing treason and mass murder DOESN'T mean that you just blindly hate whoever's different. But the media controversy has at least diverted some of the authorities' attention; enough so that I could get THIS made, and smuggle it to you." Then the kettledrummer held out one hand.... on whose palm rested a ring apparently made of iridium.

The ring bore an inscription: "GOOD IS DUMB."

This time, Dark Headgear was unable to contain himself. "You had a new Fuss ring made for me! Petty Officer Kusshun, I'm going to promote you to something, once I'm able again to give promotions!"

"I'm glad you're pleased, Lord Headgear. I only wish I could also have retaken your helmet, to return it to you."

"That's all right! The new ring is more important. Before I make my move, is there transportation waiting for me outside the prison?"

"Yes, there is. A stealth ship from the same far-off regime as Fooldemall came from."

"Then stay behind me, Petty Officer Kusshun." Slick "Dark Headgear" Mudpackis put his new down-side ring to work, attacking one wall of his cell. He might have thought of it as a cell wall; but then someone reading this chapter might have thought our story was turning into an article about cellular biology. The reflective material still resisted; but with a new ring to focus his down-side energy, he was gradually breaking through the wall.

"Sir, why aren't you blasting the door?"

"Because I'm trying not to do the obvious. The reason why I lost my fight with Groan Starr, despite his being new to The Fuss, was because I let him know exactly what I intended to do."

In the end, Slick Mudpackis and his henchman made a clean getaway.
 
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A day or so later, on Planet Greedy Crime

Blender and Quarkie, now phsyically altered by the Lazytaxies as planned, reported to the baronial palace to receive their final instructions before undergoing their mental adjustment, which would make them think they were on the side of good until given their equivalent of Order 66.

But Doctor Dizwarn had barely begun talking before Naughtygator Captain Zingdash waddled into the audience chamber in a cloud of orange mist He halted far enough away that the Baron and the others would not be choked by his life-gas, but near enough to be heard.

"Baron, Doctor, excuse my coming in early and unannounced! By means of the plotline-convenient clairvoyance which is not exactly telepathy but which is vitally useful to us Naughtygators, my counterparts on Srirachiss have warned me that the leaders of House Ashtrayides are bigots who hate everyone that's different!"

Dizwarn raised his eyebrows. "And it's important to tell us this? It's only what we ALWAYS say about any good guy who opposes us."

"Sorry, force of habit. I mean to say that Lady Jazzica and her circle decided they no longer need to have ANY dealings with the Spaced-Out Guild, except on their own terms." The Naughtygator turned to face Admiral Blender. "The Ashtrayides now being acquainted with the type of space travel YOU use, they're thinking they would rather accept its limitations than be kept dependent on the Guild."

Baron Meedi scowled at Dizwarn. "Blast you, DIzwarn, I told you that it was a bad idea pushing the Srirachians into a corner by engineering that labor strike of Naughtygators!" In reality, everyone present knew that starting the strike had been the Snarkonnen ruler's own idea, but no one dared to say so. As soon as the Baron was satisfied that his lie was going unchallenged, he addressed Blender.

"Admiral, we clearly can't expect now to deceive House Ashtrayides the way we hoped. I'll have you and Quarkie stay in your altered exterior appearance for the time being, in case there's an opportunity later to pull off something similar to what we planned. In the meantime, you can best serve me by meeting with Zingdash and our other Naughtygators. Tell them everything you can about the operational characteristics of starships in your area of the universe. If the Ashtrayides take to using that mode of interstellar travel, I'll want to know all of their weaknesses."

When Blender and Quarkie finished their assignments for the day and headed out for supper, they were both troubled by the same thought: If I tell him/her that he/she looks great with his/her new face, will he/she feel hurt by the inference that I didn't like his/her face as it was?
 
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Meanwhile, in an inhabited cave on Srirachiss, the most senior still-fairly-human member of the Naughtygator team on-planet was sitting at a desk, facing the Srirachian equivalent of a real-world laptop computer. His hands were free to use the keyboard, but his ankles had been tied to the chair legs as soon as he sat down; and he was keenly aware of the unsheathed knives in the hands of Lady Jazzica, Stillneater and Gladiola.

"As you know," Jazzica told him, "we Penny Jezebels cannot, strictly speaking, read people's exact thoughts in detail; but we certainly can distinguish whether or not any person is lying to us. And I have not forgotten the fact that your Guild had a hand in causing the death of my husband, Duke Neato The Pure-Hearted And Generally Likeable. I remember this fact every morning, when I wake up alone. Thus, you can rightly infer that, if you DON'T want the next fifty chapters of this parody story to consist entirely of yourself being tortured in ways the Mods will have to censor because the description would give the readers nightmares, you will give us your enthusiastic obedience in this project. Unlike you creeps, I am just and fair, so I will pardon honest mistakes-- because I'll know if they ARE honest mistakes or not; but if you try to sabotage this project, I'll consider sending you to a story thread on some other fan-fiction forum, where your unbelievable suffering CAN be vividly described.

"The computer before you contains all the technical data which my son Groan Starr provided about the Selenium Falcon before departing Srirachiss with Trala-Lalia and the others. It also contains a summary of the manufacturing capabilities House Ashtrayides has on Planet Waterpark. As an expert on insterstellar travel, you will study all of this information. Thoroughness is more important than quickness; and yes, you will be allowed restroom breaks. You will correlate the Selenium Falcon specifications with Waterparkian industrial potential; then you will provide your best assessment of whether, and how soon, House Ashtrayides would be able to build starships like the Selenium Falcon, to supplement whatever we could purchase from worlds known to Prince Groan. Again, honest mistakes, and honest uncertainty, are forgiveable. Do right by us, and we'll do right by you."

Jazzica had never heard any Naughtygator speak in a timid voice, but she heard it now. "Er, um, Your Powerfulness, I can't help thinking that, well, my study of your industrial assets would mean, you know, that I would possess knowledge that could make me, um, an embarrassment...."

Jazzica smiled: a smile without malice, to the surprise of her onlooking grandchildren.

"This is a reasonable concern in your situation. Fortunately for you, my side has no need to eliminate you to protect our secrets from our enemies.... if you NO LONGER ARE one of our enemies. Accordingly, effective this instant, you are now an employee of House Ashtrayides. It's beyond the power even of Penny Jezebels to prevent high-level Naughtygators from psychically sensing the FACT that one of their own still is alive in seclusion; but we CAN prevent them from ever getting at you. And since you're still mostly human, there should be no extraordinary life-support probems entailed in keeping you on Srirachiss.

"You will soon come to realize that labor-management relationships are a lot more cordial under House Ashtrayides than with House Snarkonnen OR the Spaced-Out Guild. My darling Neato used to work with his own hands alongside the fishermen of Waterpark. Too bad the Snarkonnens never figured out that a ruler can gain respect from his subjects BY RESPECTING THEM."

Gladiola suddenly spoke to the now-less-frightened captive: "In that context, it's time to ask you: what's your name?"

The prisoner opened his mouth, and out came a series of musical tones.

"I get it," said Stillneater. "You Naughtygators have your own ways to communicate among yourselves. Do you have an alternate name, for the benefit of people accustomed to conventional speech?"

"So I do. I am called Haxxadoff."

Stillneater laid a friendly hand on the captive's shoulder. "Very well, Official Researcher Haxxadoff of the Srirachian Technical Development Service. My sister and I second our grandmother's promise: if you do right by us, we'll do right by you."

Gladiola knelt beside the chair, to undo the bonds from Haxxadoff's ankles. "Welcome to House Ashtrayides. I sense, and I sense that my relatives also sense it, that you intend to deal with us in good faith. Let the freeing of your feet betoken our own good faith. Begin your work now as an honorably employed worker, not as a prisoner of war set to forced labor."

All three Ashtrayides nobles were moved to behold the former Naughtygator weeping with gratitude. No one in the Guild had ever treated him as kindly as his foes were now treating him. Jazzica had long ago taught Stillneater and Gladiola the usefulness of the good cop-bad cop game. But this was no game, it was the true nature of House Ashtrayides on display.

The story-universe echoed with a wave of moral authority and inspiration.....

Which was detected afar by certain evil beings: beings who were grimly determined to convince this creative universe that good was dumb.
 
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