Spacebullies Two: The Search For More Parody

Oh, right! Central characters!

The Selenium Falcon had reached the fringes of the yellow-sun system which was home to Seedubb Earth. This system's counterpart of Pluto lacked a mutual-orbit companion to correspond to Charon in the solar system of Adam and Eve; and the local version of Mars had three miniature moons orbiting it instead of two. These were the only conspicuous astronomical differences between the Seedubb system and the Original Earth system. Not that Groan, Vixen, Puke, Bot Index, Trala-Lalia or even Bunkem would ever have known this, since none of them had ever been anywhere close to the actual Original Earth. Santiago, however, was a native of Original Earth, and well educated, so he told the others about the differences.

For those others, the astronomy lecture was a relief from being lectured about veganism.

Groan Starr, now Groan Starr Ashtrayides, was not so far saturated with parody-ness as to discount the collision hazard posed by small orbiting bodies in any solar system. Having slowed his velocity enough that probability of hitting any solid object was less than .001%, he computed his approach course for the local Earth.

Even if Seedubb Earth had currently been located on a straight line between the Selenium Falcon and the Sun, following that line inward would have been pointless, because the Earth would move beyond that line before the ship arrived near it by normal-space flight. Instead, the ship's owner set a converging course, aiming to slide in behind where Earth WOULD be in a day and a half, then to overtake and orbit the planet. The four adult humans, plus Puke, took turns monitoring the radio receivers in case anyone at their destination called them.

Groan and his sister were at the controls when the ship's sensors detected a clearly non-natural object farther in-system from them: in-system, but not as far in-system as Earth itself. Whatever this was, it had one quarter of the Selenium Falcon's mass, and its form was too symmetrical for a meteor.

After scrutinizing imagery of the object, Trala told her brother: "This object has the design features of a compact Snarkonnen courier ship from Greedy Crime. It could have been delivered across the interstellar gulf by one of the Naughtygators' hyper-jump ships; dropped off so far out-system that the delivering ship would have gone unnoticed. The Naughtygators themselves are probably long gone by now, but the small ship's human pilot, or the guiding computer, has instructions to follow."
 
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Influenced by his personal history of having to sneak around often, Groan Starr wanted to try capturing or destroying the Snarkonnen probe without making himself known to anyone on the surface of this version of Earth. But Santiago objected: "We don't want to be the same as the bad guys, do we? On our own Earth, Cora and I have never needed to be covert in promoting bilingualism, or in saving endangered animals. Indeed, my cousin has become so important in educational circles that they call her The Earth's Cora."

Up until this moment, no one had ever known that the robot lady was capable of laughter; in fact, Bot Index had not even realized it herself. But laugh she did, and it sounded completely human.

"Vixen, Groaner, I never thought the kid had it in him! But seriously, folks, I believe Santiago is correct in this matter. Please proceed openly. If our enemies have operatives on the ground, those agents probably have high enough tech that they're tracking us already; so you might as well hurry up and get to the business of contacting whatever good guys are available."

"She's right," Vixen told her husband.

"Very well, here goes." Activating the telecommunications console, Groan Starr beckoned to the former castaway. "Here, Santiago, you're a natural diplomat, so you make the first call."

Smiling, the boy took the microphone. "Buenos dias y buenas noches, depending on what time zone you're in! This is the starship Selenium Falcon, calling all honest people on Earth, and especially any superheroes who receive this! We are human like you, or most of us are; for certain, we are not here to destroy or enslave anyone. Al contrario, we've come to warn you of OTHERS who probably want to enslave you."

Groan briefly interjected, "If you have John Ringo's 'Posleen War' novels on this world, understand that we ARE NOT like the Darhel. We really, truly, Scout's honor, want to help." Then he fell silent, and Santiago continued:

"Yes, what my compadre said. If you can see our nave espacial-- and right now, we are in a line with your version of Indonesia-- activate radar or whatever you use for surveillance, to search the volume of space between us and the surface of your world. There is a robotic spacecraft within that area, approximately four meters in its largest dimension. We don't know all of its capabilities, but we are convinced that it was placed in orbit to assist some hombres asquerosos who have infiltrated your world.

"If any superheroes are listening-- especially masked wrestlers, if you have any of those-- please respond."

Less than two minutes later, there was a response, all right: forty or more answering transmissions at once, in at least fifteen languages. They were overloading the Selenium Falcon's translation circuits. Groan used a separate channel of his own to repeat the substance of Santiago's message, while Bot Index lent a metallic hand at sorting out the multiple replies. During this, Bunkem and Trala emerged from their quarters looking inquisitive, so Vixen told them what was happening. Puke appeared a minute later, also requiring an explanation.

Presently, a very different response made itself known. The entire control panel began glowing with a cool green light. This light did not damage equipment or living flesh, but seemed to be doing something to the comms receiver.

A new voice filled the control room, silencing the other incoming transmissions. "Calling the Selenium Falcon! This is Ryan Pebbles, the Green Flashlight of Seedubb Earth! We superheroes know that you're telling the truth! Some of us recently encountered a shape-changer who is probably connected with the space drone you reported.

"If you know about Green Flashlights, you know that I can survive in outer space. I recommend you assume a parking orbit at the LaGrange point of Earth's gravity, keeping the drone on your screens as you pass by it but not approaching it closely. I can be up there with you in less than twenty minutes.

"And yes, we do have masked wrestlers."
 
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By extreme visual magnification, those on board the Selenium Falcon soon caught sight of a figure coming from the direction of Seedubb: a green-uniformed man, surrounded by a vacuum-survival sphere which was generated by the small device attached to the back of his right hand.

Green Lantern Ryan called again, saying, "I'm going to examine the probe more closely."

"Wait!" exclaimed Bunkem. "It's highly probable that the probe's design originates with my own traditional foes, which would mean that it carries weapons. Is your shield technology designed like the shield technology familiar on Srirachiss and Greedy Crime? Because if it is, a laser or particle beam hitting it would make it explode like a fusion bomb!"

"No worries. We Green Flashlights use the quasi-magical science of the Space Guardians from Planet Wawa. The energy I command adapts itself instantaneously, to prevent harmful reactions of that nature."

The local superhero accelerated, setting a course to fly beyond the Moon's orbit and close in on the alien probe. As he did so, a new call was heard from the surface of this Earth:

"Friendly spaceship, and Green Flashlight, this is crime-fighter Catfemale, calling you from the Bat-Grotto in the state of York-Jersey. We've been following your comms. Spark Laboratories in Generic Large City, that's inland, will contact you shortly, to coordinate efforts. But I'm calling now to inform you, our visitors, that your request for a masked Mexican wrestler can be granted upon your landing.

"Luchador Hidalgo, a wrestler who has survived fighting vampires, werewolves and mummies, is a close friend and associate of Batfellow, and happens to be visiting us at the Bat-Grotto. He says he'll be glad to help out any way he can."

Santiago soon was on an alternate frequency, chatting with Luchador Hidalgo, whose wrestler name roughly meant "The Wrestling Nobleman." The others continued monitoring Green Flashlight's approach to the space probe.

The scene abruptly altered when the drone lit up its propulsion. With impressive acceleration, and penetrating an energy-net with which Green Flashlight attempted to stop it, the robot spacecraft shot Earthward, passing by the Selenium Falcon at a remarkable, if not ludicrous, velocity. When it was close enough to Earth, it decelerated and plotted an angular descending trajectory. Familiar with his own instruments, Groan told his companions, "The drone's making the steepest dive it can make without being destroyed when it hits the ocean. It must mean to hide underwater."

"Unlike my native planet," observed Trala-Lalia, "Greedy Crime has oceans. The Snarkonnens, accordingly, would consider it normal to give such a vessel underwater capability."

"But why didn't it fly AWAY from Seedubb?" asked Vixen. "We were in no position to interdict it."

"It probably is programmed, in these circumstances, to stay on-planet as long as possible, in order to assist the evil infiltrators on Seedubb."

Seconding Trala, Bunkem added: "And if we're sharp, we might be able to spot any such infiltrators when they try to download information from the probe, or better yet, if they go to access it physically."

Now they heard Green Flashlight Ryan calling down to Seedubb Earth:

"Spark Labs, this is Green Flashlight. I estimate that the alien drone will splash down in the Gulf of Baja California. I'll try to keep it under observation. You need to continue sharing data with friendly spaceship."

"Cyberdork here," said another voice. "I'll confer with the new arrivals. Meanwhile, the Teen Tryouts will message Aquaticman, let him know what's about to intrude in his pond."

"A pond?" echoed Puke. "Someone's worried about some little goldfish pond, when their whole planet might be in peril?"

"That was figurative speech," Bunkem corrected him. "Anybody calling himself 'Aquaticman' probably holds an official position concerned with events in the seas of this world."
 
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Irish North, journalist girlfriend of The Whoosh, had previously covered stories involving Aquaticman and his bride Maritima. Weeks previous to this point in time, Irish had obtained the opportunity to function as a surface-world ambassador to Tatlantis and its allied undersea communities. Wise King Ragu of the Fishymen-- these being the most merpeople-form of the undersea humanoids-- had been working closely with Irish. Irish had facilitated ocean-floor visits by surface-world scientists, to whom King Ragu provided extensive information on ways to improve environmental quality.

Princess Reelnyce, daughter of Ragu, had become close friends with the reporter-diplomat, as well as with Beef Boy of the Teen Tryouts. It was Reelnyce who notified Irish of a call from Spark Laboratories. The Whoosh told Irish about the compact alien ship, which had plunged into the Gulf of Baja California.

"Cyberdork will be bringing the Sparkjet to pick up Aquaticman and carry him from the Atlantic to Baja," Whoosh told her. "I'll continue assisting in the search for alien infiltrators on land."

Once the Tatlantean royal couple were contacted, they made rendezvous with the versatile air transport piloted by Cyberdork. Irish accompanied the Tatlanteans, Reelnyce accompanied Irish, and Beef Boy accompanied Reelnyce. "I'll ask the Queenkraken to work with us on this," Aquaticman told them.

\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \

Two and a half hours after Aquaticman's party came on board, Cyberdork set the transport down directly on the waves of the Baja Gulf. Leaning out the side hatch, Maritima dunked her head into the water-- listening for the element of water to “talk” to her. Aquaticman slipped bodily into the water as noiselessly as possible, so as not to disrupt his wife’s listening.

Queen Maritima had let her lungs fill with water as soon as her head went under-- since her alternate system of gills was co-located with the alveoli of her human lungs. King Tatlan the First, when Tatlantis fell into the sea, had guided the genetic adaptation of sea- people so that the majority in following generations would breathe only water. He had foreseen the possibility that future sea-people might form an unreasoning and unjust anger against land-people, as if those land-people had CAUSED the sinking of Tatlantis; so he had arranged to make it far more difficult for sea-people to invade the continents above them. Only those with some royal chromosomes would retain the ability to breathe air. As a high-born, Maritima shared her husband’s amphibious respiratory system, as did Reelnyce.

Beef Boy was waiting for a good time to reveal to Reelnyce that he was as capable of becoming a merman as he was capable of becoming any land animal.

Once Arthur was underwater, Maritima told him: “She’s already here, almost directly beneath us.”

“The Queenkraken, you mean?”

“Yes. You’re the only one who can directly speak with her, but I can detect her presence. She must be aware of our aircraft setting down. When she begins talking to you, I expect she’ll remind you--”

“--that she is always telepathically linked with me,” Arthur completed Maritima’s sentence. “You’re right, she just told me that. She knew I needed her here, off Baja California, so she emerged from the Earth’s crust here.”

The Tatlantean alpha pair dove toward their gargantuan ally. Like a salesperson presenting a piece of merchandise to be inspected by shoppers, the Queenkraken raised the flat end of one tentacle, on which rested the same space drone which Green Flashlight and the arriving friends from space had investigated.

Aquaticman set an ear against the hull, tapped on the metal, and listened. "There's no reply; but the sound of my knocking tells me the interior is full of air, not water. I don't think there's any living creature inside..... Thank you. Queenkraken confirms that nothing alive is inside the ship. " Aquaticman used the Royal Trident to force open the single hatch on the spacecraft's exterior. The entryway was too narrow for the Tatlantean monarch to pass through, but his wife was able to get in. Using the merpeople's darkness-vision, she examined the interior.

"Nothing in here is designed to accommodate a pilot or passengers, unless they're much smaller than anything humanoid. It must be controlled robotically; but there are about a dozen identical receptacles, all empty. They might be intended as life support for specimens of local organisms. Nothing here looks like a weapon system, either." A moment later, Maritima's glorious crimson-haired head emerged from the hatch. "Do you want to bring this to the surface people at Spark Laboratories?"

The ocean ruler brought his black-bearded face in close to kiss his queen. "Thanks to King Ragu, surface researchers can come to us. I'll ask Queenkraken to transport the spacecraft over to Ragu's palace; you and I will rejoin Cyberdork and put the invitation out for land-living superheroes-- and our new off-world visitors-- to join in studying this drone ship or whatever."

The Queenkraken obligingly waited for Irish to take photographs of the mystery spacecraft, then set out to do as Aquaticman requested. Reelnyce, fitted with Spark Laboratories robotic legs to move about inside the aircraft, bombarded Maritima with questions about the small ship's interior. Cyberdork relayed this discussion to the Selenium Falcon.

When Bunkem Isotope heard the description of the ship's insides, he radioed back a request to see the pictures Irish had taken. Upon these being transmitted to him, he told Cyberdork: "Those basins or tanks remind me of Lazytaxie equipment that Snarkonnens have used. It's possible that Snarkonnens, or someone working with them, wanted to carry away live specimens of organisms from Seedubb Earth."


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Summary of Action Since the First Summary


>> On the planet Greedy Crime, Admiral Blender and Quarkie await the Baron's order to join the expedition against Seedubb Earth. Watching the Turner Network's worthless remake of "High Noon," Quarkie explains to her boyfriend how ruining classic Westerns is part of the Snarkonnen campaign to extinguish people's belief in goodness and honor.

>> Toofah-Roff, Yoga-Rug's birth planet, is invaded by Popquizzitors who want to capture "The Child," but Yoga-Rug and the Banjolorian defeat them. Next, Yoga-Rug does one more projecting of his spirit, to guide and motivate well-meaning persons on another parallel Earth. A sort of zombie plague is menacing this world. Most of the superheroes here are of Asian origin, including some whose "real" versions the present readers are likely never to have heard of. My version of Sailor Moon proves completely useless in the battle, because all she does the whole time is to twirl around while speaking incantations. By the time the zombie threat is overcome, Yoga-Rug is too tired to do any more long-distance interventions.

>> Noherra (again, my counterpart of Hera Syndulia in "Rebels") has borrowed Yoga-Rug's compact starship, to transport Gross-Goo someplace where, hopefully, Popquizzitors won't know to look for him. She discovers my version of Babylon Five, where conditions are similar to the later episodes of Season Five in the TV series. There she is overjoyed to meet her old friend Nonsmoka Tiptoe. Both women are happy to be together, after so much time being surrounded by odd-looking people who DON'T have tails on their heads. (Understand that Noherra's lost love Klayman was an exception to people with no head-tails looking strange to her.)

>> My version of Babylon Five's "Great Machine" comes into play here. Exactly as it was in the series, the keeper of the ancient artifact almost never does anything to HELP the people on the space station. So Nonsmoka, Noherra, Gross-Goo, and two of the station's officers visit the keeper to ask WHY he doesn't help his friends in times of need. He turns out to have been deceived by the nonsense notion of "needing a balance between good and evil"-- possibly the worst concept ever used in science fiction or fantasy, since it invariably HELPS EVIL. The good guys, unabashed about being on THE SIDE OF GOOD, soon get the keeper's head on straight; and it is revealed that the keeper became deluded in the first place because of secret influence by a Lazytaxie Face Twister.

>> Another Face Twister has infiltrated Planet Spacebull, the world which was liberated from dictatorship at the beginning of my story. He finds Dark Headgear being held in a prison cell designed to resist his "down-side" powers. Posing as a jailor, the Snarkonnen agent promises to try to spring Dark Headgear out of his prison.

>> On the parallel Earth where we saw versions of the Falcon and the Winter Soldier, character dialogue reveals that (just as in actual comic books in our world) the "Suicide Squad" concept began as a premise honoring GOOD people who faced peril VOLUNTARILY for the good of mankind. Sheesh, what an uncool idea. :rolleyes:

>> On the Earth-equivalent where we've seen "Spark Laboratories" and the "Teen Tryouts" (the same Earth where Harpy Grinn turned good and married Batfellow's butler), heroes receive a transmission from the Selenium Falcon. Groan Starr's party has finally arrived. The local Green Flashlight takes to space, to investigate an alien robot spacecraft which the Selenium Falcon detected; but the probe, which came from Greedy Crime, dives toward Earth, aiming to submerge in the Gulf of Baja California. This causes Aquaticman to be called upon to search for the robot ship.

>> On this Earth, my version of the Fishmen's king from Jason Momoa's Aquaman movie HAS NOT been killed, and he HAS been allowed to begin carrying out his noble plan of educating surface people instead of attacking them.
 
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Scene shifts to "Urth"

One other super-criminal besides Atomic Scalp and Stellar Sapphire had voluntarily loitered near the superheroes after the victory against Twerpseid: the intimidating voice-blaster Aluminum Banshee. Encouraged by the already-repentant pair, she had asked Superdude: "What can I do to prove that I want to go straight-and-narrow too?"

Superdude had replied, "I know a telepath named Charles Crazier. Very powerful. My cousin and I can block our minds against his probing, if we focus on doing so; and Twerpseid can fry the brain of anyone who tries to scan him telepathically. But hardly anyone else we know can keep Professor Crazier out of their minds if he wants to scan them. He can verify your sincerity."

"I want to meet him too," Atomic Scalp had interjected. "I'm so ugly and scary, I can use all the help I can get to satisfy law-abiding people that I've genuinely changed."

Stellar Sapphire had come alongside Banshee, telling her, "Let Jasper and me join you as well."

"Lord Superdude," the Gleaming Knight had then asked, "wouldst thou consent to visit yonder seer as well? Thy famed presence would avail more than mine own, to reassure common folk that these former evildoers are now no menace to the innocent."

Superdude, nodding, had told Sir Jasper, "I probably should go-- although you, Jasper, have greater moral authority than you realize. My cousin and Moistureman can supervise the mopping-up operations."

So it was arranged.

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

Charles Crazier had not been asked to join in the recent grand battle, both because Twerpseid might have destroyed Crazier's mutant brain, and because pukedemons were too mindless for the Professor to control them. He was glad, in the aftermath, to be useful to his lately-threatened world. Presented with multiple unusual minds to study, he asked Atomic Scalp, Aluminum Banshee and Stellar Sapphire to sit in his office, and asked each of them to think about the other two.

In addition to Sir Jasper and Superdude serving as witnesses, half a dozen young mutant students gathered to watch the interview. "I can examine their basic personalities easily enough," the Professor explained. "But when it comes to analyzing their states of mind during the last three days, each one's recollections of the other two's behavior may afford extra indications."

After a few minutes of silence Crazier spoke with clinical precision: "Stella, you are the simplest case. You grew up as a pampered, self-absorbed girl. You pursued your own pleasure without a care for other people; and when the cosmic gem came into your possession, you instantly resolved to use it for your own advantage. Your selfishness, of course, was despicable; but precisely because of the shallowness of your nature, it was hard for you NOT to recognize the moral superiority of Sir Jasper when you got to know him. I'm aware that an external power, in fact an extraterrestrial power, led you across the line to goodness; this will warrant further investigation over time. But I'll swear in any court that your change of heart is authentic.

"Turning to you, Atomic Scalp, you are, or were, a quintessential comicbook villain. Starting long before the experiments which made you a half-human, flame-headed monster, you always wanted to be able to terrorize other people. You never even considered joining the Justified League; you were all out for the enjoyment of power. In the recent battle for Urth, you were only fighting to survive. But you noticed Sir Jasper's biker friend Vigilant Cowboy, who has no super-powers, fighting valiantly and trying to protect innocent bystanders. This observed contrast undeniably rendered you more susceptible than most of the villains to the anti-evil influence transmitted to this world by whatever space alien was transmitting it.

"You, Aluminum Banshee, rouse my sympathy more than the other two. All three of you desired power over others; but you, Banshee, were the least predatory in your intentions. In childhood and early adolescence, you were a lover of fantasy. You used to be obsessed with text-based roleplaying, in which you always pretended to be a beautiful thirteen-year-old princess, riding a horse through mysterious forests, on a secret quest which no adult could understand. You were twenty years old before you finally dropped the thirteen-year-old roleplaying persona, deciding instead that you wanted to be a thirteen-CENTURY-old sexy vampire.

"Since acquiring your sonic powers at the same time as acquiring an exotic appearance, you've lived with mixed emotions. From the neck down, you are as attractive to the sight as you could ever have hoped to be. But you are less confident about your face. For what it's worth, I can tell you that men who behold you when you're NOT trying to kill them, tend to feel strongly that your face WOULD be attractive too, if only you learned to smile tenderly instead of scowling angrily. I can inform you that Superdude and Sir Jasper share this opinion, although this does not change their devotion to the women they love."

"It is as the seer tells thee, far-crying one," Jasper put in. "Do but persevere on the newly-found path of righteousness, and there is every chance that thou shalt also be loved by some honorable man, just as I now love Stellar Sapphire."

In the end, all three ex-criminals were given a clean bill of health by Charles Crazier.
 
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Two days later, the Justified League held a multimedia press conference at its headquarters, to inform the world that three members of the Gang of Naughty People had come over to the side of law and order, and would be granted full pardons.

Aluminum Banshee, provided with a microphone by assistant journalist Jimmy Ulcer, addressed the world:

"People of Urth: my two friends and I ask your forgiveness. I can only be grateful that we followed the archetypal comicbook model, and never actually killed anyone in our criminal careers; but we caused injury, fear, and loss of property to tens of thousands of honest people. Then Twerpseid invaded from space, and his forces DID murder people. Stella, Scalpie and I are all ashamed that we didn't change sides long before that greater evil showed up. Then we would have already been integrated into the Justified League before Twerpseid invaded; we would have added to Urth's readiness for defense, and fewer human beings would have died. As it is, we can only try henceforth to make our world safer-- safer from characters like us.

"Now I have a word for my former companions in the Gang of Naughty People. At least one of them is sure to see this broadcast. Stella, Scalpie and I have no right to feel superior to you! If not for this unseen power which opened our eyes, we all would still be criminals like you. Yet we AREN'T criminals any longer; so I offer a compromise, which Stella and Scalpie have agreed to.

"I am as sure as I can be that the mind-reader Professor Crazier did not think to probe our minds for knowledge of the gang's hideouts. Those locations, accordingly, are still secret for the moment. Since we three cannot boast of being better than you, we will follow up on the head start Superdude granted you. Two hours after this moment, we will tell our new teammates everything we know about the gang's bases and resources. And if any of us three ever meets any of the rest of you, we will demand your surrender. Please have good sense and make the same decision we were helped to make; join the side of decency; join the honest people of the world!"

Everyone who was personally present in the Justified Hall, especially Atomic Scalp and Stellar Sapphire who had known her for years, realized with surprise how human Banshee's voice now sounded-- even sweet. Viewers were favorably disposed toward all of the reformed trio because they had fought against Twerpseid, even if this had been only to save their own skins. And from all over the America of Urth, male viewers of the broadcast sent online remarks which, if referring to Banshee's physical appearance at all, invariably declared that they were awestruck by her otherworldly beauty (or other words along the same lines). And they made sure to stipulate that they admired her face, not only her figure.

The highest-ranking journalist present was Luisa Dane Klint, the wife of Superdude. Unlike other variants of Superman and Lois Lane, Corky Klint the native of Tonkryp and Luisa Dane the native of Urth had never bothered with identity secrecy. Neither had Corky, alias Superdude, stalled and evaded in the matter of marrying Luisa.

It was already known to the public that Luisa was expecting her first super-baby. At a previous press conference in which Luisa had been one of those BEING questioned for a change, she had explained that Corky's baby inside her would not become dangerously strong until fifteen months after its first exposure to yellow-sun daylight, and that all Tonkrypian babies were born hard-wired to love and obey their parents.

When the current news event was completed; when the extra news-media personnel withdrew, and Luisa Klint was the only person inside the Justified Hall who wasn't a superhero; Clara Klint, a.k.a. Superhottie, who in this reality used the same last name as her more famous cousin, sprang a surprise which was unexpected by everyone else present except Corky and Luisa.

"The last time I had the luxury of casually roaming outer space before our war with Twerpseid, I met a human couple traveling in their own small starship. When it became possible for them to exit their ship on an oxygen-bearing planet, I conversed with them. The man turned out to be from our own Urth! His name is Adam Straightup; he has no superpowers, but possesses extensive experience at exploring exotic planets. His wife, named Proxima, happens to look a bit like you, Stella; but although she is as close to us genetically as any Urthman could ask for, she was not born here or on any near counterpart of Urth.

"Proxima's world of Senphatori, remarkable for orbiting a double star, is far advanced in science. But until a few decades ago, the Senphatorians were uncertain whether any other star system hosted life, let alone sapient life.

"After being invaded on separate occasions by two different imperialistic races, both of which were driven off but not before they destroyed some of Senphatori's in-system spaceships, they had their answer. But they needed a further answer: to the question of whether any other star system had begotten intelligent beings who WEREN'T violent aggressors.

"Let's invite Adam and Proxima to tell us more themselves." Rising to her feet, Superhottie exclaimed, "Proxima! Adam! Please join us now!"

Out of one of the hall's offices emerged the couple. Adam Straightup, a man who radiated at once an air of sophistication and the rugged manner of a cowboy, wore an outfit which could have been seen in early Buck Rogers comic strips. Proxima, who did indeed resemble Stellar Sapphire, was clad more modestly than Stella, in a practical pantsuit. Adam pulled out a chair for Proxima close to Superhottie, then sat down himself in a chair close to Moistureman.

"Proxima," Superhottie asked, "would you please tell us about the Tachyon Loop?"
 
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"The fact of Senphatori orbiting a double star," Proxima began, "has been a great help to our scientists for as long as we've had scientists. For one thing, observing the regular change of positions of two suns in relation to our world enabled us to figure out very early in our history that THEY didn't revolve around US. And measuring the different energy outputs of the larger sun and the smaller sun accelerated our progress in understanding how the fusion process works inside a star. For that matter, before we had even progressed as far as our steampunk era, our agriculturalists had charted the difference in plant growth during times when both suns were equally shining on us, versus times when one sun obscured the other.

"So it was that, even before we had gotten so far as landing manned spacecraft on our moons, we had already begun developing technologies which could potentially help us to achieve interstellar flight.

"Unfortunately, other sapient races HAD achieved interstellar flight.... and were able somehow to detect our industrial and scientific activity. The first bunch to invade us were known as the Skrunks. They attacked Senphatori when I was about eight years old-- that would be thirteen in Urth years. Not only did they have more advanced weapons than we had, they could also change shape, disguise themselves as Senphatorians.

"Thirty-nine alien infiltrators began the invasion by obtaining teaching positions at our planet's universities. There, they told students that if another planet 'just happened' to conquer ours, any resistance by us to the takeover would make us guilty of 'hating everyone that was different.'

"But their excessive reliance on their disguise ability ended up defeating them and saving us. On my world, we have animals much like your dogs; they were able to smell out a Skrunk no matter how it altered its shape. Thus we killed or captured so many of the invaders, that the rest of them fled, writing off the invasion as a bad gamble. Left behind as they retreated were specimens of their equipment; these didn't bring us all the way to interstellar flight of our own, but they did boost our science in many areas.

"The second invasion of Senphatori was led by a sort of big space-faring troll called Trippenwonk, who was a lieutenant of the very same Twerpseid whom you Urthlings lately drove away. Trippenwonk had Pukedemons like the ones you fought, and also had what he called Mother Puzzle-Cubes, which magnified his powers.

"We would have fallen to Trippenwonk, if not for six Green Flashlights who were aware of his movements, and came to our planet's rescue. Their combined energy attacks crippled the monster, whose guards barely managed to hustle him onto a starship and escape.

"One of the Mother Puzzle-Cubes was left behind. Studying it gave still another boost to our scientific progress, by deepening our understanding of cosmic forces like entropy and gravity. This enabled us to make in-system space travel as easy as airplanes traveling through atmosphere, which--"

At this point, Adam Straightup stage-whispered to his wife: "The Tachyon Loop."

"Oh. Right. That. What brought you and me together."
 
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Luisa Klint mouthed the words, Thank you, Mister Straightup.

Proxima took a deep drink of water, then resumed:

"Before long, our leaders were confident that we COULD build a 'generation ship' to travel to other solar systems."

The blond-bearded Moistureman-- who, unlike some Justified League members, had never visited any other worlds, not even Urth's own moon-- asked, "What's a generation ship? One that generates its own power?"

Adam Straightup, seated next to the ocean king, answered, "Here she's using 'generation' in the sense of passage of time."

Moistureman, born Arthur Curly, smiled. "I get it, the ship would be slower than light, and could take a century or longer to reach its destination on a one-way voyage. The people on board would either have to hibernate, or have a sustainable environment for themselves inside the ship. In the second case, it would be the CHILDREN OF the original crew that settled on the new planet."

"Correct," said Proxima. "For the purpose of colonizing a liveable world with no native intelligent species, there would have been Senphasorians willing to hibernate for generations and wake up in a strange solar system. The more so because our race living on more than one planet would have made us harder to exterminate as a whole."

"But even if generation-ship colonizing succeeded," Luisa Dane Klint remarked, "that wouldn't have made your home planet any safer."

Superdude nodded. "And faster-than-light starships belonging to the Skrunks or other aggressors might have killed your colony ship enroute; all of your pioneers would have been in the afterlife before they knew what hit them."

"True," Proxima agreed. "Therefore, colonization plans were shelved indefinitely. But none other than my father, Doctor Thimik Hyoor, argued that instead of sending out generation ships which might never reach their goal, we should be able to use our technical gains to BRING SOMEONE ELSE TO US. That's where the Tachyon Loop comes in. It's a warp generator which can instantly transport persons or objects between two clearly-defined locations, which is to say from one world to another. Within the last two years, by our calendar, it became feasible to warp-jump small spaceships to other solar systems, and retrieve them later, by using a Tachyon Loop. This is how Superhottie came to encounter Adam and me in local space."

"To summarize," Adam put in, "they transported me from Urth to Senphatori, showed me their wonders, and invited me to offer my own insights on how to defeat evil space aliens. I was able to help out here and there, and Proxima and I fell in love and got married. My father-in-law believes that I have insights which would be helpful to you, and I'll be pleased to help keep my birth world and my adopted world safe against galactic super-villains."

"All right," said Black Parakeet. "This looks like a good place to shift the narrative to other characters, and just assume that Adam and Proxima develop a plan to go somewhere and do something." Black Parakeet was privately desirous to pursue a new thought: seeing whether she and Aluminum Banshee might be able to team up as a singing act, which would never need amplifiers.
 
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Change of scene

Somewhere in the uni-multi-whatever-verse, a classic-rock band called Skinny Leopard was performing all its popular hits at an amphitheater. In many of the songs, lyrics from a man's viewpoint rambled on about how the man had to be like a wild stallion galloping over the prairie, or like a condor soaring high, or like a solo dancer on stage, or like a train following the tracks to the next town.

A song of this type concluded the planned concert; but it would never be known how many encores the males in the audience would have demanded. For everyone's attention was abruptly captured by a towering, translucent holographic figure filling the air above the stage. It appeared to be a robed man, only hairless, with a transverse ridge of bone crossing the top of his head. From the face came a deep, mild voice.

Drool, keeper of the Great Artifact, could not be here physically; but his projected image could speak to the natives in real time, and even hear them if they replied to him.

"Thank you, friends," Drool said, "for attending our show. Now for a surprise announcement which the members of Skinny Leopard have been saving up for you.

"There's a reason why the boys have sung so many songs about a man 'having to be free.' They wanted you to become familiar with songs of that nature, so that the eventual unmasking of the deceit would take a firm hold in all your minds, at this and other venues.

"In every song of the type in question, the male persona pretends that he's being purely honest when he talks about following the sun or living his dream. Pretends that he's protecting the woman's feelings by not pretending to be more than he is. But a man who talks this way, like the sailor with the lady bartender in the harbor town in the old Seventies song, secretly counts on the woman he's with to imagine that SHE can break through his emotional barriers and make him love her permanently. He knows that she'll think this way, and is confident that he can keep her fooling herself until he skips town.

"The male flirt in such a song is really a contemptible manipulator. When he talks about 'sweet love,' he never means a word of it. He's what some describe as a Peter Pan mentality: dodging responsibility, and never keeping a promise."

Neither the members of the band, nor the roadies, could find any way to silence or switch off this disturbing hologram, which was letting the truth out in front of the fans. Drool continued:

"Now that Skinny Leopard has almost completed this phase of its plan, we can give you an idea of what will come next. Once the band has fulfilled all its existing performance commitments, letting audiences hear the familiar songs one more time sung live, it will take a hiatus from touring, in order to develop a repertoire of all-new material.

"At least one in three of all those new songs to come will recapture what romance used to mean. The new lyrics will celebrate GENUINE love-- the love which actively seeks to DO THE OTHER PERSON GOOD. The love which perseveres in danger or difficulty. The love which KEEPS promises, makes the sacrifices, and continues until death AND beyond."

Silence reigned for five or six seconds.... after which, every FEMALE member of the audience exploded into soaring, crashing, ecstatic cheering and applause.

Perceiving this, the members of Skinny Leopard thought as one: Wow, that might actually work!

 
Four days later, visiting the same Earth again, Drool sent his virtual presence into a mostly African-American neighborhood, where he invisibly followed a seventeen-year-old highschool junior named Will Jamal. The Great Artifact did not give Drool mind-reading ability, but he nonetheless had a hunch that Will would soon find a little outer-space prompting helpful.

Eventually the occasion presented itself. A neighborhood friend of Will's, named Freddy Tapper, approached Will with a plan.

"Did you see the new girl in the photography club? Is she ugly or IS she ugly?" Freddy knew that Will was an avid photographer, and would have met everyone at school who even tentatively checked out that after-classes club.

"I haven't seen anyone ugly at photography meetings, but the new girl's name is Verna Barnes. I've talked with her and seen some of her on-file pictures."

"Talked with her already, that's cool. Gives you a head start-- if you can keep from losing your lunch when you're around her." Freddy went on to list in detail the features in Verna's appearance and grooming which he deemed repulsive.

"Do you mean what I think you mean, Freddy?" Will had seen enough movies where a young man's low-life friends urged him to pretend interest in an unpopular girl, and the protagonist went along with it, then began really to have feelings for the appealing outsider, but she found out about the trick and hated him for it, but in the end the hero was able to convince the heroine that he really was sorry and she forgave him and they did really get together after all, but NOT WITHOUT needless pain and humiliation along the way.

Sure enough, this was what Freddy had in his shallow mind-- minus any happy ending that could find Will and Verna ACTUALLY finding true love together and eventually marrying. The cruelty of a harsh letdown, inflicted on a girl who had never done him any harm, was what Freddy wanted to bring about.

I need to re-evaluate my taste in friends. "Give me time to think it over, okay?"

"Sure, the joke's worth waiting for. No one can pull it off better than you can. Just BECAUSE everyone sees you as Mister Nice Guy, Miss Gag Reflex'll never see the punchline coming."

As soon as Will was able to get rid of his dubious friend, Drool began making himself known by speaking from behind the teenager: .

"Wilcha Mahl? May I speak with you privately?"

Will, who usually heard anyone who approached him from behind, was startled. More startled when he couldn't see anyone back there, despite the absence of nearby hiding places.

"My name's Will Ja-mal, and where are you?"

"Please go to that driveway over there, where the trees will make us less obvious. I promise you, this is for something good. And don't be surprised by what I look like. I'm into costume play."

Curiosity steered Will to the less-conspicuous location, whereupon Drool's holographic self became visible.

"You must have read comic books where friendly space aliens keep an eye on unsuspecting people, often for the purpose of protecting those people from harm?"

"Yeah I've read a few. Seen some anime too."

"Consider me one of those observers; call me the Keeper of the Great Artifact."

"All right, what does the Keeper want?"

"I merely want to offer some advice. I heard your conversation with Freddy. I can tell that you DON'T want to do what he proposes, and I applaud you for disapproving of so cruel a game. But I believe you're not sure HOW to reject the suggestion. If you simply reject the plan, Freddy might try to salvage his great joke by starting RUMORS that you're attracted to Verna, trying still to put her through a sequence of hope, disappointment and resultant bitterness. If you tell your peers what Freddy wants you to do, you might be hated for snitching on him."

"All right, Keeper, what DO you want me to do?"

Drool gave his recommendation.

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

That evening, at Will's request, his parents invited the entire Barnes family to come over for supper the next evening. They accepted the invitation.

After supper the next evening, Will opened the real conversation:

"Mister Barnes, Missus Barnes, Verna, Craig, and Rashida: I need to talk to all of you, because I want to PREVENT something bad from happening. I don't want anyone even to THINK that the bad thing is happening."

Clenching his teeth, Will described his conversation with Freddy, then added: "But a man who overheard us talking came up to me after Freddy left...." Will did not describe Drool; he simply left it at saying that a well-meaning stranger had offered an opinion. "I think he had the best idea. Both of our WHOLE families can spend time together, like maybe going to football games or visiting museums. Verna and I can at least be actual friends, and nothing'll happen that both sets of parents don't know about.

"Like the stranger said, if the mean trick never happens, there's no need for me ever to tell the school that someone wanted that to happen. If anything more ever develops between Verna and me, it'll happen FOR REAL. And if it doesn't turn into a teen-movie romance, Verna still won't have been hurt."

Invisibly listening in, Drool was pleased with Will.

In the six months which followed, Freddy Tapper lost his popularity, without ever having been confronted over the trick he had planned against Verna. It was enough for students at the high school to witness Will's consistently considerate behavior toward Verna and everyone else.

Drool's plan worked in every respect. Will and Verna never had a romance, but they always remained friends. And they eventually attended each other's weddings, to the mates who suited them best.
 
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Copperfox said:
Return To Seedubb, Address Unknown! // No Such Monster, No Such Clone!
Click to expand...

* * Consider this scene as having moved back in time, several days before Drool's encounter with Will Jamal. But neither episode affects the other.

Virgil Fixxit, Batfellow's chief technological consultant, borrowed the Wingplane and piloted it himself to fly from Urbanopolis to Generic Large City. The Whoosh had contacted him through secure channels-- which actually WERE secure, now that the Anti-Villain Device was no longer being misused to sabotage the good guys-- and invited him to visit Spark Labs on Batfellow's behalf.

Luchador Hidalgo, the wrestling superhero, hitched a ride on the Wingplane, eager to learn more about the situation he had been asked to get involved in. He had faced Earthbound monsters and supernatural threats, prevailing by his combination of mighty limbs, quick thinking, and a pure heart; but he had never heretofore encountered enemies from outer space.

Upon landing at their destination, Virgil emerged from the vertical-takeoff-and-landing aircraft.... wearing a Batfellow costume, in order not to let strangers on the street realize Virgil Fixxit's association with the Caped Campaigner. Senor Hidalgo, by contrast, concealed his identity from bypassers by NOT wearing his usual mask, tights and boots. Virgil shed the cape and cowl only after entering the research center. The Whoosh greeted both visitors, and offered Virgil a seat at a data terminal, saying, "We don't know yet whether the ship that fell in the Baja Gulf has any connection with the sort-of shape-changer the Teen Tryouts and Captain Patriot encountered, but the close timing implies a connection." Virgil began looking at Irish North's photographs of the alien spacecraft.

Also standing near, Blue Junebug added: "Furthermore, there've been some really odd thefts in Central Municipality. High-technology factories reported new devices and valuable fabricating materials being stolen-- always by some thief who SEEMED to be a senior manager at the facility being stolen from."

Virgil acknowledged the young bionic hero's words only with a nod, continuing to study the photos. Then: "Were any of the affected businesses involved with medical or biological technology?"

"Yes, two of them were," said Blue Junebug.

The Whoosh, who sometimes couldn't restrain himself from answering a question quicker than anyone else could, managed this time not to interrupt his young friend. Only after Junebug had spoken did he say to Virgil, "Did you ask that question because of the speculation that the unmanned spacecraft might be intended to carry living things on high-grade life support?"

"Exactly that. I can't be sure, but these pictures of the ship's interior suggest to me that the basins or tanks or whatever are designed to cover comprehensive body functions, including the delivery of oxygen to living tissue."

Since Blue Junebug said nothing further, Whoosh now permitted himself to express his rapidly-moving thoughts: "Which could be intended as a holding state for the bio-remnant of a severely-injured person who was to be transformed into a cyborg like Cyberdork."

"My thought also," Virgil confirmed. "Please call Green Flashlight, and ask him to lead that friendly spaceship, or its landing shuttle if it uses one, to land as close as possible to Spark."

After confirmation came back from Green Flashlight Ryan Pebbles and from Groan Starr Ashtrayides, Luchador asked Whoosh a question: "Are you aware of any recent thefts of dead bodies?"

"None that I've heard of. Why do you ask?"

"It occurs to me that there might be an evil mad scientist involved in this, trying to create Frankenstein monsters."

To the Whoosh, the wrestler's conjecture was a perfectly ordinary and reasonable thing. "We'll keep that in mind, as we learn more about the spacecraft."

Since nothing was going on just then which urgently required the services of a masked wrestler, Luchador took a commercial flight to Urbanopolis, where he had been asked to appear as a guest referee at a televised collegiate wrestling tournament. He knew that the superhero community could furnish means for him to get back to Generic Large City in a hurry if necessary.
 
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Far out in space:

Mugwumpa, the more-or-less demon from the de-Marxistified Earth, flew through galactic space nonstop for more than twenty-four hours. The pursuing Green Flashlight Lucy Luminous was human, and could not go that long without rest. After eleven hours, Lucy had to look for a stopover place. The search ended in a fortuitous find: the heart of yet another sci-fi reality.

It was the Moon: that is, the Moon of some other Earth-- only, its Earth was missing. This was the Moon of Moonbase Alpo, a sustainable pressurized habitat. It had been plucked right out of its orbit around its Earth by never-explained nuclear forces, yet the violence of that catastrophe somehow had not killed everyone in the base. Communicating with the Moonbase, Lucy was granted entry through an airlock on the surface level. She was met by Base Commandant Roland Foote, who opened their conversation with an unexpected question:

"Are you our latest hyper-unbeatable alien?"

Lucy was baffled. "Alien is relative, and I'm not strictly unbeatable. Have you ever heard of the Green Flashlight Corps?"

"Are they some kind of army?"

"Sort of. We're like a police force, with human members and members from over forty other species. We're able to travel between solar systems fast enough that we don't age worth mentioning on any trip."

"We have something like that," said Roland; "only, we can't control it. The Moon flies itself, because fantasy. It enters every inhabitable star system in its path, instantly dissipating its momentum without killing us. Then it stays for a few days, while we explore that system and gather supplies. It eventually resumes faster-than-light travel, again with no harmful effect on Moonbase Alpo. Meanwhile, we never know when the next ultra-mega-indestructible alien will show up to terrorize us. I'm glad you're not it."

Lucy turned pensive. "Maybe we can help each other. In return for some bed-and-board, I'll try to help you achieve control over your Moon's movements. Fortunately, we Flashlights are able to combat super-powered aliens."

"That sounds promising. Let's talk about it over supper."
 
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>>> TO MY READERS:

Specter still needed to overcome additional treachery by the system. But NOW it's actually fixed, knock on wood. I urge my readership, starting tomorrow, to look again at the FIRST two pages of this rambling story. During the forced hiatus, I thought of more ideas. Therefore, I am carefully inserting additional material into the early chapters. Note especially Post # 28.
 
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Rejoining the anime monster

Mugwumpa made the most of her lead on Green Flashlight Lucy, passing by two more solar systems while Miss Luminous was resting with the Moonbase personnel. The true-magical nature of her power meant she didn't need to rest nearly as soon.

She found a habitable world, with primitive intelligent beings who had just progressed as far as mining and refining copper. They were loosely humanoid, with four arms, of which the lower pair was shorter and stronger than the upper pair. The long-armed fiend judged this planet to be an out-of-the-way locale not likely to be noticed by the forces of good. Setting herself up as a goddess, she calculatingly killed only a few natives who had violated the tribal laws, and established herself as a benevolent deity. The very fact of this race NOT being preyed upon by an obvious demon should, she reckoned, fool any superheroes who came along.

In the meantime, she began to consider a new direction for her evilness. Perhaps, instead of transforming the natives into stupid zombies, she could come up with a way to give INTELLIGENT powers to her most loyal tribespeople. This, she reasoned, would improve her chances of defeating the Swimmer Scouts or the Flashlight Corps if they came after her.
 
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With the Starship Grunts

Lieutenant Mike Applejack of the Movable Infantry, whose followers had become known as the Applejackers, had died a hero's death, saving the lives of two wounded soldiers. The gallant Juan Ricosuave-- one of the Grunts the valiant Lieutenant saved-- had been appointed in his place, and red-haired Lizzy Florist had become the company executive officer. Juan's not yet having been romantic with Lizzy served a good purpose, preventing any complaints of unethical favoritism when he chose her to be his right-hand officer.

The other trooper saved by the late Lieutenant Applejack, First Sergeant Marcella Snowe, had been permanently crippled, and had received an honorable medical discharge, with full citizenship awarded to her. Two other sergeants had perished in that action, so the first-sergeant billet had been inherited by Corporal Ace Basey.

Facing the Applejackers' first mission after Lieutenant Applejack's death, Juan, Lizzy and Ace were privately indignant against the Human Federation for STILL not issuing them any laser or plasma weapons. Nor had any Starship Grunts been provided with armored ground-combat vehicles at any time during the war against the Creepycrawlids. To the best of Juan's knowledge, this under-equipping was due to Federation politicians "not wanting to provoke the nonhumans with any suggestion of arthropodophobia on our part." But by playing heavily on the gravitas of his former leader's noble record and glorious passing, Juan had at least managed to persuade the government to fund some armor-piercing rocket launchers.

Now, on a planet more hospitable than most planets Juan had seen, human colonists were in peril of becoming a buffet supper for the carnivorous monsters. There had been no Creepycrawlids when humans initially landed here, but the home hive on Klowndafooey had sent one of their warp-travelling spore-globes to create an instant army. The Earthling colonists had barely managed to devise electrified barriers in time to prevent an immediate massacre; and their passive defense had lasted barely long enough to enable Starship Grunts of the Movable Infantry to reach the scene.

Touching down their one-person, one-way landing capsules in the center of the endangered settlement, the Applejackers deployed around the perimeter, firing preliminary rocket salvoes in several directions to slow down the assault, so the officers could grab a moment to confer with the colony leadership. First Sergeant Basey assumed temporary command.... noticing that none of the colonists were firing any weapons at their enemies.

When Juan and Lizzy entered the living quarters of Timmy Soyheart, the colonial chairman, they noticed that he had bookshelves full of Wanda Brunstetter's novels about Amish farmers. This did not enhance their confidence in the settlers contributing much to the battle.

But Lizzy got down to business. "Do you have any explosives in your village?" She expected the answer to be no, after seeing the Amish novels; but Mister Soyheart pleasantly surprised her.

"We brought some along when we came, to be used in blasting down to probable freshwater sources." An instant later, he surprised Lizzy in the other direction, asking: "Are you planning to let our multi-legged neighbors watch you demolish your weapons? That might be exactly the goodwill gesture we need to make toward them!"

Juan caught Lizzy's shoulder in an iron grip, to prevent her from socking the fool in the nose. Dodging her instinctive elbow-jab, he told Mister Soyheart: "As a matter of fact, I believe we will do something like that. Second Lieutenant, go out and order all rocket-launcher carriers to expend all but three rounds per launcher of their ammo. Wear the enemy down. After that, conserve grenades, and only minimum necessary gunfire to prevent a breakthrough. I'll be directing the farmers in preparing a little surprise."
 
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A rapid but well-aimed bombardment of rockets-- and the Grunts made sure to kill the particularly dangerous flame-spitter bugs-- dismayed the Creepycrawlids. These collectivist carnivores were never actually afraid, but they were uncertain for the moment. The Federation had learned by now that the Creepycrawlid warriors received long-distance guidance from thinker-bugs who could reach them telepathically. So Juan had to hope that the distant controller, observing through the fighting bugs, would be fooled by the next move.

Inside the loosely-walled village, Lizzy and Ace, with the majority of their troopers, moved the civilians into fallback positions, while Juan, two Grunts, and some of the farmers went outside the perimeter. The three soldiers had removed their helmets, and everyone in the party was carrying objects which, to non-human creatures, might look like weapons. They heaped up lengths of pipe, canisters, boxes, and so on; then placed explosives, and blew up the pile of pretended weapons.

Right after the explosion, Chairman Soyheart did as instructed by Juan. On the chance of the monitoring thinker-bugs understanding the words as heard by their warriors, he shouted: "We have all come to understand the way of peace! We have rejected the MAAAAAAAAAAD-ness of war! Let us all now celebrate the universal joy of oneness!"

"Back now, but try to seem casual," Juan told his colonist companions. While the Creepycrawlids wavered briefly in uncertainty, the humans walked, not ran-- but walked with long strides-- back into the spacious human compound. They were barely back inside when they heard the warrior bugs behind them starting to advance.

Soyheart's face broke out in a broad smile. "They've agreed! They're going to celebrate a new day with us!"

"They're going to celebrate by eating us!" Juan replied. Soyheart didn't want to believe Juan; but the other settlers decided they did believe Juan. Grabbing their chairman's arms, they dragged him to relative safety. Inside the village, Lizzy and Ace had everything in readiness. The rocket-launcher carriers had exited the village on the side opposite to where the bugs had gathered, and were creeping around toward the enemy's rear.

When the first seven or eight Creepycrawlids entered the village, farmers on either side threw torches onto a pool of highly flammable fuel. The leading bugs, and several more who were driven forward by momentum, were incinerated. As more warrior bugs tried to get inside, or to climb over the barriers, the Starship Grunts opened point-blank fire from the fallback positions. On a signal from Ace, two of the bravest farmers drove tractors in from either side, packing dozens of the monsters together so they were hampered from doing anything.

"Single shots!" Lizzy shouted over the comlink. At this close range, with the bugs confined, single rounds could more easily hit vital points on the creatures, thus enabling the defenders to make their ammo last longer.

Even after the casualties inflicted so far, the Creepycrawlids were still too numerous for all of them to fit inside the village. When the rocket-launcher carriers arrived at good firing positions, they began using their three-per-man remaining rockets, destroying scores of hostiles in the rear of the force before switching to their machine guns. Where opportunity offered, they also used common grenades to ignite flammable fluid which had bled out of the slain flame-spitter bugs. As had been accomplished inside the settlement, the bugs became jammed up enough that the encircling troops were also able to get away with firing single rounds to save ammunition.

Things were going well enough inside the village that the tractor drivers were able to come out and assist the Grunts who had made the last rocket attack. One soldier climbed aboard each tractor, to fire down upon the monsters; these shots needed only to wound the bugs, because the tractors would then crush them.

Five more Applejackers died, along with four colonists. Juan was a little surprised to see Chairman Soyheart showing no grief; but after all, the colony as a whole surviving had to count for something with him. Victory for the humans was now a certainty.

Three of the last surviving Creepycrawlids broke into the village meeting hall, which was also Mister Soyheart's own residence. This action by the bugs affected the pacifist more than anything else appeared to have done; he actually ran after those three bugs, unarmed. Anxious for the eccentric gentleman's safety, Juan hurried after him. A terrible uproar came from inside, and Juan feared he was too late to save the man.

Inside the hall, Juan beheld the strangest sight of the entire mission. Timmy Soyheart, with what seemed the strength of a hundred men, was tearing all three monsters to pieces with his bare hands. When Juan ran up to him, Soyheart was drenched in green blood, but seemed uninjured himself. Still astonished, Juan could only stammer: "Chairman, are you all right?"

Soyheart's reply was: "These rotten bugs destroyed all my Wanda Brunstetter novels!"
 
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Juan placed a call to the orbiting troopship, the FSS Gomer Pyleup. Its commander, Captain Yvette Lavender, was fond of pre-starflight romance novels. Soon Juan had the satisfaction of telling the colony chairman: "Our ship has an extensive library. Regrettably, no Brunstetter novels, but we can offer you electronic editions of Beverly Lewis' Amish novels."

Mister Soyheart brightened up at once. "Those are the next best thing! God bless you!"

Carmela Syrup descended in the pickup shuttle, bringing along ship's medics to treat all surviving human casualties. Before landing, she called ahead: "Captain Lavender wants to know what you did to those bugs. Their controlling Psionic Bug actually contacted us, begging to be allowed to surrender!"

"It will be a valuable prisoner: only the second thinker-bug to be taken alive in the whole war. But I'm not sure the tactic used by a colonist can ever be duplicated," Juan replied. "The Creepies ran afoul of a book lover. But maybe Chairman Soyheart will consent to meet with the Skipper and talk about what he did."

Carmela's voice grew softer. "I understand that their chairman IS the book lover in question. I, um, we may have underestimated the power of love. See you shortly, Johnnie."

Juan scarcely had time to notice that Lizzy was frowning, before the second most unusual sight of the day occurred. A human, or near-human figure appeared in front of him-- translucent, seeming to be a hologram. "Lieutenant Ricosuave! My name is Drool, and I come in holographic peace! Not being materially present, I was unable to fight alongside you. Which is a pity, since my own birth-world of Mintcandybarr was once menaced by monsters resembling those you just now fought, though our enemies had far higher technology. But I can give you some valuable information."

"Slow down, please," replied Juan. "I never heard of you. And where is Mintcandybarr?"

"Far enough away that your colony world will probably never have direct communication with it in your lifetime, or in the lifetimes of your children. The thought of you having children brings me to the smaller-scale, but more time-urgent part of the information I intend to provide.

"I see and hear much. I happen to know that you have long had an unrequited desire for the astronaut named Carmela Syrup, who seems beautiful to your mind because she takes pains to project a psychological aura of attractiveness. But she is not even AS good-looking as another human female I could point out; and neither does Carmela have even a tenth as much capacity to love with unfailing loyalty as the other woman has. Carmela, in short, has been playing with your feelings for years, merely to feed her own vanity.

"Minutes before Carmela's shuttle departed from the Gomer Pyleup to retrieve you, she was laughing with shipmates, telling them that she was going to pretend she had been worried about you, in order to build up your false hopes again, only to push you away again before forty-eight hours would pass. They all were amused at your expense.... and at the expense of Lizzy Florist here. If you don't realize that Lizzy is the woman truly worthy of your love, you are stupider than one of the Creeypcrawlids."

Juan was dumbstruck; but when he saw tears pouring from the eyes of his beautiful fellow soldier who almost never wept, he had the greatest epiphany of his life. "Lizzy..... Lizzy! Black holes take me, I am stupider than a Creepycrawlid!! How could I-- How could I not--! Oh, Lizzy, can you ever forgive me for being such a blind klutz?"

Lieutenant Florist kept on weeping, but now she smiled at the same time. "You never made any false promises, Juan. You've been a true friend, and you never were treacherous. But I warn you, I'm getting in the mood to make YOU some promises."

Now Juan also smiled, reaching to clasp her hands. "Then I'll beat you to it. I promise that, if we live, as soon as regulations permit it, and if you'll have me--"

"Yes, I'll marry you! I've always loved you, and I'll never stop!"

Onlookers, Grunts and colonists alike, cheered joyfully as Juan and Lizzy flung their arms around each other and kissed fervently. Meanwhile, the image of Drool sought out First Sergeant Basey.

"Sergeant, do you have a data-storage device? --Good. Allow me to transmit some information into it, which you MUST show to your army leadership as soon as possible. This information will enable your industries, within acceptable cost levels, to manufacture infantry weapons that shoot out atomic plasma. This will increase your firepower against the Creepycrawlids."

Turning back to the at-last-lovers, Drool got Lizzy's attention and told her: "Listen carefully. I want you to live to marry Juan; but for this to happen, you must make a habit of ALWAYS watching your back. Just because the Creepycrawlids are big and noisy, doesn't mean that one could never come up behind you when you think you're safe. In the name of love, ALWAYS watch your back!!"

"I will," she solemnly promised-- then resumed kissing Juan.

Juan and Lizzy were still in their passionate clinch when Carmela Syrup landed her shuttle nearby. Seeing the two of them absorbed in each other and ignoring her, Carmela quietly sighed, "I waited too long, played hard-to-get too long. I'll just have to find someone else." The mysterious Drool was of course not a romantic prospect for her, but she did remember her military self, and began drawing out of Drool as much knowledge as he would share.

He told Carmela many things of scientific interest and practical value; but one thing he told her was for her alone:

"The next time a good man feels attracted to you, if ever, DON'T ridicule him to your friends in his absence."
 
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Since I'm supposed to be writing a SPACEBALLS parody....

The Face Twister who had visited Dark Headgear on Planet Spacebull wasted no time calling in the Naughtygators to transport him secretly to Chimpanzia, the sister planet to Directvideo. There, in flagrant violation of light-entertainment rules, he soon identified and assassinated a Chimpanzian government minister named Proconsulus.

This particular Face Twister, named Fooldemall, was one of the best self-disguisers that Lazytaxie skills had ever produced. He was able even to grow black hair all over his body, and otherwise mimic his victim's appearance. Once he felt confident mingling with simian politicians, he approached Lisorda the Chimpanzian President, arguing for closer interaction with the Directvideans in view of the recent Spacebullion aggression. She saw no reason to reject the suggestion.

Fooldemall had changed his initial plan of impersonating the King of Directvideo. Instead, in the guise of a friendly world's ambassador, he would work to influence King Lowbrain toward whatever actions were most advantageous for House Snarkonnen.

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At the time Princess Vixen married Groan Starr, King Lowbrain of Directvideo had been too poignantly relieved that he and his people were alive at all, to inquire too deeply into what Groan and Vixen intended to do after their honeymoon. Vixen, Groan and their companions had left Srirachiss on their mission of investigation before Lowbrain so much as began asking his close advisors for advice.

He began with Rabbishop Malarkey, the clergyman who had performed Vixen and Groan's wedding. "Rabbishop, give me your opinion. Once Prince Groan is clear about his lineage, do you think he'll want to settle on his revealed birthworld, with assurance of becoming that world's next reigning king? Or will the beauty of OUR planet persuade him to accept only being a prince-consort, for the sake of enjoying our perfect climate and exquisite scenery full time?"

"It's too soon to tell, Your Majesty. But since you have no son, I think you should begin cultivating your nephew, Duke Discoduck, as a potential heir to your throne."

Lowbrain frowned. "But isn't that just asking for conflict between Vixen and her cousin?"

"Not if you avoid being obvious. Don't say a word about the planetary succession to Diskoduck; but confer some new governmental position on him. Perhaps 'Royal Forestry Inspector.' Have him inspect the recovery of our forests from when the Spacebulls uprooted the trees. If Princess Vixen and her consort return here to make this their full-time residence, Diskoduck can simply continue his make-work job, without ever suspecting how close he came to inheriting your crown."
 
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Fooldemall, alias Minister of Human Liaison Proconsul, was picked up by a Directvidean ship for his diplomatic visit to King Lowbrain. His transit was covertly observed by a Snarkonnen-affiliated Naughtygator ship. Zingdash, the fully-mutated Naughtygator in command of the ship, then warp-jumped back to Greedy Crime to report the Face Twister's progress.

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In Filthopolis, Admiral Blender and Quarkie were awakened before sunrise by assistants of Doctor Dizwarn, with instructions to come to the baronial palace. They both breakfasted on bugs (Blender was getting used to those, and they were in fact nutritious), then went to the Snarkonnen ruler as ordered.

"Good morning, Admiral," said Baron Meedi Ogre Snarkonnen. "I have an assignment for you. Dizwarn briefed you the other day about the Naughtygators' work stoppage we engineered on Srirachiss. It is vital to continue denying interstellar travel to the Ashtrayides regime on the desert world. Although users of The Jalapeno are not more powerful than the Fuss adepts you have encountered, they do understand OUR methods and capabilities better than any Fuss user does.

"Zingdash will transport you to Srirachiss. There, he will take care of ensuring that no Naughtygator changes loyalty from us to House Ashtrayides. You and Quarkie will undergo face and voice alteration, and profess to be eager to learn Penny Jezebel knowledge. The Lazytaxies will temporarily program you to believe you actually are friendly to the desert people. This programming will be designed to restore your true personalities AFTER the Penny Jezebels are convinced of your friendliness. Once this occurs, Captain Zingdash or his aides will give you further instructions."
 
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