Spacebullies Two: The Search For More Parody

[Copperfox]

Something which particularly impressed the gently-treated prisoner was the fact that the butler, though still not showing her his face, ASKED HER what she would like to eat for supper and for the next day's breakfast. And she received the foods she requested.

The steak for supper was even cut up for her in advance, in consideration of her splinted wrist.

Less than eighteen hours after Batfellow called for them, BOTH of the good-aligned magic-users living on the "Seedubb" version of Earth arrived in the Bat-Grotto. Doctor Unusual was accompanied by the ravishing raven-haired sorceress called Zoorama.

"Thank you both for coming," said Batfellow, gesturing toward Harpy Grinn, who stood beside Catfemale. Huntergirl had stayed up far into the night with Harpy, offering words of encouragement, so now she was catching up on sleep.

Zoorama looked Harpy in the eyes. "We won't keep you waiting long for your vindication." She and her male counterpart went to work. Both together and separately, they cast their good-magic spells of truth-finding. Seventeen minutes later, Doctor Unusual turned toward Batfellow and Alphonse.

"We both confirm it: Harpy Grinn's conversion to goodness IS GENUINE. She would rather die than return to crime, and she is eager to start UNDOING the damage that she did."

Catfemale hugged the joyfully-weeping Harpy in congratulation, exclaiming, "Welcome to the side of good!" Then she caught her husband's eye and said, "Sweetheart, you remember that the Governor of York-Jersey owes you a favor or fifty. Given superhero endorsement of Harpy's repentance, he would surely grant her a full pardon if you ask him to."

Batfellow nodded. "And perhaps even reinstate her license to practice psychiatry."

"YAHTZEE!" the ex-villainess abruptly exclaimed.

Coming alongside Doctor Unusual, Zoorama added: "We not only found the happy truth; we also TRANSMITTED additional truth into Miss Grinn's brain. What we showed her proved to be confirming something the far-away Master Yoga-Rug had already told her, during that additional period of post-surgical sleep she took yesterday. Miss Grinn will have something to say about this when she's ready. But first, an urgent piece of intelligence for you and your team.

"Unusual and I detected mystical signs of activity by a level of science which overlaps the functions of sorcery. This power appears to originate with a community of evil mad scientists called the Lazytaxies."

"Those evildoers live EXTREMELY far away," put in the male magician. "So far away that the Green Flashlight Corps has never had occasion to fight them. But Zoorama and I now find that Lazytaxies have secretly infiltrated THIS Earth, helped by some unfamiliar metahumans called Naughtygators, who can travel across galactic distances even faster than a Green Flashlight can. Some invention or method of the Lazytaxies has, in effect, contaminated the spiritual atmosphere of Seedubb."

"Which is why so many superheroes have been suffering humiliating setbacks," remarked Zoorama. "You, Batfellow, and your own group, have been less affected precisely because you DON'T rely on super-powers." She now looked back toward Harpy and beckoned.

Approaching the magicians and looking straight at Batfellow, Harpy said, "I was the one who stole the Anti-Villain Device from Spark Labs. Wisecracker gave me instructions on how to break in, and created some diversions in the neighborhood to help me pull it off. But ya know what? Based on what the space guy and the magic folks have told me, I'm almost positive that Wisecracker himself IS one of them Lazytaxies! I shoulda known all along that he NEVER cared about making ME happy."

"The Whoosh and his friends will find all this most interesting," observed Alphonse.

Harpy gazed at the war-veteran butler in silence for a moment, then said to Batfellow, "I think I can recover the Anti-Bad-Guys doohickey for you." Smiling, Zoorama patted Harpy on the shoulder.

"Unusual and I will assist you with that, Miss Grinn. Or, excuse me, DOCTOR Grinn."

Doctor Unusual also smiled. "With a bit of providence, together all of us can change Seedubb from an incubator of existential despair into a galactic broadcasting station of goodness and optimism." He gave a shoulder-pat of his own to the no-longer-evil blonde. "I have read 8,437 possible futures for you; and in ALL of them, you remain on the side of good for the rest of your life."

Catfemale nodded. "So much for evil being hip and cool."

 

[Copperfox]

Zoorama gently nudged Harpy. "I believe this is a good time for you to tell them what else you have been waiting to reveal."

Throughout her criminal career, Harpy Grinn had possessed a talent for seeming child-ISH at the same time as being vicious or seductive. But now, for the first time in Batfellow's experience with her, the once-and-future clinical psychiatrist seemed child-LIKE. Seemed childlike, shy, even fearful of not being believed.

"It's like this, guys. Before I first went crooked, I didn't HATE men, but I never dated any men, because I was all career, twenty-four seven. That only left me MORE, not less, vulnerable to being manipulated by Wisecracker. You know, sublimating my feelings and all that. Then when I finally left Wisecracker, I was dumb-blonde enough to act like EVERY male was to blame for what ONE super-villain had done.

"But now, finally, it's like I finished five years of getting successful therapy as a patient! The space guy and you magic folks made a difference! And not just in a generalized way. The three of you have enabled me to make up for lost time, by sparing me from searching for an available guy who ain't bossy, but ain't a wimp or a doofus either. All three of you was unanimous, nominating the same candidate! I wouldn't have thought of him on my own, but you made me see that HE'S THE PERFECT ONE!!!!

"You made me see the real nature of a certain man who's brave, smart, loyal, steady, lots of good manly stuff like that..... and at the SAME time, not stuck up. Well, I mean, he's got lots of dignity, but it ain't about looking down his nose at people. More about holdin' himself to a high standard. What you three showed me, he's just too awesome for words!

"Just like it makes me sick that I was ever a gangster, now it makes me shudder to realize how I coulda missed out on someone so wonderful, just because he isn't crazy-slick like Wisecracker. Now I can see that he's terrific BECAUSE he's totally opposite from Wisecracker! In fact, meaning no offense to you, Mister Bats, he's even MORE pure-hearted and wise than you are."

"No offense taken," Batfellow assured her. "If you mean who I think you mean, yes, he IS a better man than I am."

Harpy continued: "And now, I feel like I've known him all my life-- because he's everything I've been MISSING all my life. And he's so modest, I bet he still has no clue that I mean him."

Coming momentarily to attention like a soldier in the ranks, Harpy Grinn turned to face the man who had operated on her. "Still clueless, honey? Might as well take off the surgical mask so I can kiss you, because I'm gonna do that. You are Major Alphonse Roderick Nickelworth, Royal Army Special Forces Retired, the man who taught Brutus Dwayne how to be noble and good. Because they made me see what's inside you, I love you with all my heart, I can't live without you, I intend to marry you and have children by you, so BRACE YOURSELF!!!!"

Running straight at Alphonse, with tears of love drenching her face, Harpy tore off his operating mask, embraced him with all of her considerable strength, and began kissing him with the unmistakable passion of a true love which can last for a lifetime.

During the moment in which the long-celibate mentor of Batfellow passed his own arms around the ex-felon but vacillated about responding further, Doctor Unusual and Zoorama spoke a spell in unison:

"Alphonse Nickelworth, man of kindness, valor and integrity, be rewarded now for your life of selfless devotion to duty. We bestow upon you renewed health, strength and vigor. You will not LOOK any younger, but your life expectancy and human abilities will now be as if you were NO OLDER than this woman who would have loved you even without rejuvenation. Accept and enjoy the long-denied satisfaction which you have earned, which you deserve, and may your future children call you blessed."

Harpy, still weeping with joy, rubbed her nose against the butler's nose. "Yeah, what they said!"

Batfellow and Catfemale shouted as one: "Go on, Alphonse, kiss her back already!"

Locking eyes with Harpy, Alphonse finally cracked a smile. "This is a leap year, when a woman is allowed to propose to a man. Accordingly--"

And he performed a tango dancer's flamboyant dip-and-kiss on Harpy, to her delighted surprise.

"That, my dear Miss Grinn, is a Yes."

When the new couple finally came up for air, though still holding each other tightly, it was to see that Brutus Dwayne and Saltina Kool Dwayne had removed their own now-superfluous masks.

"We can call the same preacher who performed our wedding to perform yours," Mrs. Dwayne told Harpy.

Mr. Dwayne told Alphonse, "You can help Harpy restart her mental-health practice, and still be working for me." Alphonse, of course, knew that the Dwayne Foundation supported psychiatric services all over the America of this parallel Earth. After thanking his boss, the old war hero returned his attention to his eager bride-to-be.

And untold light-years away, Master Yoga-Rug told Noherra Synthmusica: "I wish you could have had as happy an outcome with Klayman as those two are having."

The Tryyurluck woman sighed. "But I'm still happy for them. Still glad that all this cosmic fog of despair can't ruin THEIR new love."

 

[Copperfox]

Also very far away from Seedubb, something highly significant occurred.

This was on another Earth-equivalent world, one whose history was less divergent from Original Earth history than was the case with Seedubb. People here mostly referred to their planet as "Terra;" but city names were the same here as on Original Earth. Accordingly, the significant event happened in New York City, not in Gotham City or any such evasion.

Slam Wishbone, alias The Kestrel, and Backy Shedd, alias The Winter Trooper, had just succeeded in locating this Earth's close copy of Harpy Grinn-- here known as Carly Whiz. The flippant bad girl was talking with another evil woman, who seemed to have green skin.

"That must be Toxic Vine!" Winter Trooper whispered over their secure comms channel.

Kestrel used the directional sound pickup which came with his flying gear. This compact apparatus could also relay what it heard to the other superhero. The two men heard Toxic Vine saying:

"Thanks for agreeing to meet with me, Carly. I've got a fabulous idea. If you split up with Joketeller, you can convince lots of millennial girls that rejecting a man is all it takes to certify you as a good girl. Then you can join me; we'll be just as criminal as ever, but we'll SAY that hating men has liberated us, and girl power girl power girl power, et cetera. How about it?"

"Let's arrest them now," hissed Winter Trooper.

"Wait a minute," Kestrel hissed back. "My sensors are detecting an energy surge around Carly Whiz!"

Unknown to either the heroes or the villainesses, this was the exact moment when, over on Seedubb, Alphonse Nickelworth dismissed his doubts and began kissing Harpy Grinn back.

Harpy Grinn's double clutched her head, shook herself, then looked at Toxic Vine. "This is wilder than shock therapy! Vine, listen to me: I just realized that goodness is right and badness is wrong! YOU should join ME in turning good!"

Vine stared at Carly for a moment, then suddenly shook herself as Carly had done. Once calm again, she said, "Okay, let's do that instead. If we can get a pardon, maybe I can persuade Green Dart to be my boyfriend."

Carly hugged Vine, then looked around and shouted: "Hey! If there's any superheroes tailing us, come on over and arrest us! We want to confess everything, and join the side of good if we can get a pardon!"

When Winter Trooper and The Kestrel revealed themselves and approached, Carly Whiz was intrigued by Winter Trooper's metal arm, while Toxic Vine decided that The Kestrel was even more attractive than Green Dart.

When this positive turn of events came to the attention of Doctor Unusual on Seedubb, he projected a future in which two former villainesses would be granted a pardon by Terran authorities. They would then marry two superheroes, gaining ground for the forces of decency. This, WITHOUT being dismissed as uncool by millennials.

And Vine would change her name to Wholesome Vine.

 

[Copperfox]

One more version of Earth was also affected by the extra-good vibrations radiating from the newfound love between Harpy and Alphonse on Seedubb. This world, again, was very close in history to Original Earth, although English speakers on this Earth spelled their world's name as U-R-T-H. Probably influenced by the futuristic sword-and-planet novels of Gene Wolfe.

"Urth" was getting its turn being invaded by the hideous armies of a standard ultra-powerful galaxy-conqueror, known as Twerpseid. This world was lucky to have its own version of the legendary Kryptonian, since Twerpseid was SO not a pushover. But while Superdude, backed up by his girl cousin Superhottie, focused on endlessly slugging it out with Twerpseid himself, there was more than enough work for all the Justified League's heroes as well. In fact, the Super-Gang of Naughty Persons had been persuaded to face necessity and ALSO fight in Urth's defense.

The grotesque villain Atomic Scalp, born Martin Alpert, who in the past had made a pretty good showing against Superdude, was teaming up with the gorgeous superheroine Brazilian Flame, whose fiery powers worked similarly to his own. His fire was hotter than hers, but she could fly where he couldn't. She thus could find better angles of attack upon the zombie-like Pukedemons they were fighting. These monsters being essentially soulless, it was okay EVEN for good guys to destroy them.

Brazilian Flame also kept one eye on her temporary teammate, lest he forget himself in the excitement and barbecue fleeing civilians. But Atomic Scalp did seem to be staying on task.

Over on one edge of the combat zone, two characters who could both fly were tackling Twerpseid's evil flying robots, which again were fair game for even good guys to kill. The good guy of this pairing, Sir Jasper the Gleaming Knight, was airborne thanks to his faithful, powerful, swift and super-intelligent pegasoid steed, Winged Virtue. The flying horse expertly maneuvered to minimize the odds of a laser blast from any robot coming in at any point other than where Jasper could block the beam with his magic shield. Winged Virtue also seized every opportunity to dart in close behind the alien robots, enabling Jasper's magic sword to demolish each target with a single stroke.

The airborne female criminal covering the same sector of the combat zone was another (of course) dazzling beauty, named Stellar Sapphire. She had often battled the Green Flashlight of Urth, since he and she both used energy-manipulation powers dependent on an artifact. To match Green Flashlight's wrist-mounted flashlight of power, Stella (as her friends called her) had a gem of power adhering to her forehead. Whenever she dined at Indian restaurants, she would tell the staff that her gem was a mark of Brahmin caste, so they would serve her ahead of other customers.

Right now, the flying villainess was being treated with a priority she would rather NOT have received. Because she could both fly faster and attack from a greater distance than the Gleaming Knight could, the robots calculated that she needed to be slain more urgently than Sir Jasper. By silent electronic conferencing, the surviving robots chose two of their number to go after Jasper, while the others attacked Stellar Sapphire from several directions.

One thing the robots avoided was positioning themselves in a straight line which placed her exactly between them. Twerpseid had seen enough movies where combat robots on the same side were tricked into shooting each other, so his own robots were programmed against making this mistake. Stellar Sapphire was forced into constantly twirling from one threat to another.

Sir Jasper and Winged Virtue also had a hard time with their last two adversaries, because Twerpseid's line-avoidance programming didn't mean they couldn't shoot simultaneously from widely separated angles. But the aerial horse outdid himself at evasive maneuvers, and kicked one robot into scrap metal, seconds before Jasper cut the second one in half.

Not a moment too soon. Though destroying most of the robots assailing her, the increasingly dizzy Stellar Sapphire failed to blast three of them before their lasers all connected at once. Her defensive aura JUST BARELY prevented her from being cooked alive, but she lost consciousness-- and therefore lost control of her own flying ability.

Superhottie was able to spare a moment to destroy Stella's final three antagonists at long range with her heat-vision, but could do no more than this to help the villainess, because right then Twerpseid broke away from Superdude to try to sucker-punch the super-female.

Without her gem of power actively carrying out her mental commands, Stella was as vulnerable as anyone else. Down, down she plummeted....

 

[Copperfox]

Moistureman, king of Urth's oceans (who on this world had blond hair), had been kept busy at the start of the invasion, defeating a pukedemon force which attacked Splatlantis (pukedemons being immune to drowning). Urth had no counterpart of the Queenkraken to help this variant of Atlantis, but it did have Black Stingray, who in this world had never been evil. As soon as the pukedemon threat was blunted, Moistureman left behind enough troops, under Queen Erma's command, to mop up on the ocean floor. Then, accompanied by Black Stingray, he used his fastest transportation to bring reinforcements to the scene of the greatest land action. Their coming rendered victory for the good guys fairly certain. But they wouldn't have been in time to prevent Stellar Sapphire from going SPLAT herself.

The Gleaming Knight and his pegasoid charger, however, were close enough to intervene. Sheathing his sword and letting his shield attach itself magically to the cantle of the saddle, Jasper stood up in the stirrups as Winged Virtue came up under the falling woman. When Stella fell into his mail-clad arms, the time-shifted hero smoothly absorbed the impact by flexing his knees and then sitting again. The villainess remained unconscious, but was breathing normally.

"Down to the ground, my valiant friend," he told Winged Virtue. The noble beast knew how to descend so carefully that his rider wouldn't fall off even if not holding the reins. Jasper, accordingly, could concentrate on holding Stellar Sapphire closely.

Too closely for his own peace of mind.

Govern thyself, Jasper son of John. Be not attracted to the comely outer form of one whose heart is as evil as ever, for she fought the transgressing monsters only to preserve her own life by saving our world. Our mer-people allies are even now helping Lord Superdude to vanquish the remaining foes; by the time Lady Stellar awakens, all may be concluded. Lord Superdude promised the brigands a head start in escaping when all was done, and we ought not wish for any of them to-- stay around. Beauteous though --some of them be. 'Tis not as if any of these dishonorable super-folk have become any less wicked by saving their own skins.....

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / /

When Stellar Sapphire paused to think about eternity, which wasn't often, she could not feel any great optimism about her chances of ending up anywhere other than The Bad Place. It followed that she must not have died in her fall. She was lying on soft grass, in a portion of a city park which had escaped being scorched beyond recognition. Sounds of battle had ceased.

Looking down on her were the ridiculous knight and his more impressive winged horse. She could not keep herself from realizing that they had to have saved her life; but she didn't WANT to owe thanks to anyone so boring as an altruistic, idealistic anachronism.

Sitting up, she snarled, "Keep your distance, Don Quixote Junior. If you're getting ideas about breaking the agreement and making me stand trial, I'll turn your armor into an ashtray, with you as the ashes!"

Winged Virtue uttered what could only be called a horselaugh.

"Lady Stellar," Jasper's deep good-guy voice replied, "I never yet violated my promises to man or maid. Neither would Lord Superdude let himself be basely foresworn. Thou and thy comrades in wrongdoing SHALL have your half-hour head start, with us promising in that time NOT to track you by any means of seeing afar. But for the nonce, 'twere wiser on thy part not to make threats which thou canst no-wise fulfil."

Saying this, Jasper showed Stellar Sapphire that HE was holding her gem of power in his hand, not letting it escape his grasp to return to her. "A true Knight of the Round Table can do many things, including removing a sorcerous bauble."

When the criminal's jaw rose back up from the ground, she exploded in rage. "You backstabber! You double-crosser! I hope you die! Coward! You stole MY gem while I was out cold! THERE'S your chivalry! Gleaming Knight, HA! You're a worse thief than I've ever been! I hate you!"

"No doubt thou dost hate all who oppose thy greed and arrogance, Lady Stellar. But I removed thy sorcerous jewel only so that, awakening in some uncertainty, thou shouldst not smite me in ignorance, forgetting where thou wast and how thou and I had fought together against a common foe. I do not forget our alliance, and will not be the one to shatter it. Now that thy wits are-- well, mostly about thee, I voluntarily restore thy treasure, even though mayhap thyself didst once plunder it from some other possessor."

So speaking, Sir Jasper pressed the gem of power against Stellar Sapphire's forehead, where it re-attached itself.

She stared at the gallant warrior in disbelief, until words managed to escape from her lipsticked mouth. "You-- but-- you-- but-- you had all the advantage over me! You could have done anything you wanted to, and I couldn't have stopped you! Why did you give me back my power, when you disapproved of me so much?"

"Woman of outward beauty and inward foulness, thou understandest not honor. I was pledged to make common cause with thee and the others like thee. A knight's word is not binding on him only when given to his friends."

Neither of the parties to this conversation had noticed other costumed characters drawing near, listening to them. Superdude and Superhottie, with Moistureman, Black Stingray and the Splatlanteans, were making sure that Twerpseid and his remaining robots and Pukedemons had fled into space; but many witnesses to the conversation remained, including Brazilian Flame and Atomic Scalp.

Unknown to herself, Stellar Sapphire's face softened. "Your sworn word-- even to an enemy???"

"The vileness of some does not release me from the code of chivalry. Thou hast again thy magic, by my choice."

The next instant, Stellar Sapphire was shaken by violent trembling. Less noticed by onlookers, Atomic Scalp suddenly shook in the same way. Only Brazilian Flame took special notice of him.

Jasper knelt beside Stella, taking her face in his hands and jamming a gauntleted thumb between her teeth. She somehow realized that he was doing this only to prevent her from biting through her own tongue in her spasms.

He's protecting me from harm, even after I've cursed him! He caught me when I fell; he didn't have to do that, either....

In a flash, Stellar Sapphire understood WHAT it was that she was beginning to understand. THIS is goodness! This is the thing I've despised and laughed at all of my adult life! And-- I've been wrong all of that time. The lawlessness which I thought was so sophisticated: how could I have been so STUPID???

Jasper had withdrawn his hands as soon as she quit shaking. Now he saw something hard and bitter departing from that lovely face, making the face twice as lovely as before. She tore off the headdress of her villainess costume, and her eyes flowed with tears of shame.

"Jasper of Camelot, forgive me! Please forgive me! I've been a snake, a witch, a robber! I don't know what made me see it, but I do see it now! I'm not worthy to iron your shirts, and here I thought I was BETTER than you! I'm so sorry, so sorry!" And she dissolved in sobs.

 

[Copperfox]

One of the side-of-good bystanders, Black Parakeet, the daughter of the similar-powered twentieth-century superheroine Blonde Canary, indulged in a bit of cattiness: "She's faking it! Playing a trick on Jasper!"

Stella's glance at the other woman was sorrowful, not furious. "Any time before today, I would have been faking. But not now. I actually am sorry for being evil! Whatever made me feel sorry, I'm grateful for it. And I can prove my sincerity."

To everyone's astonishment-- with the exception of Atomic Scalp, who found that he also understood-- Stellar Sapphire pulled her gem off of her own forehead, and gave it back to Sir Jasper.

"I will not wield this gem of power ever again, unless I can wield it in the service of justice! Because, noble Jasper, I do now understand your code of honor. Something has made me understand. No one has EVER behaved so unselfishly toward me as you have. This is like seeing daylight for the first time ever! Please, please believe me: somehow I'm no longer the same woman I was two minutes ago. I want to be like you now! I want to be good!"

Standing up, and gazing past her at his friends, the Gleaming Knight shouted, "I believe her! My heart tells me that she wants to renounce evil forever."

"Hmmph, would you be so sure of it if she weren't good-looking?" scoffed Aluminum Banshee, another of the super-villainesses lately recruited to defend Urth. Banshee had always been touchy about having a noticeably less pretty face than Stella. (It gave her some solace to know that her soundwave power worked over a longer distance than Black Parakeet's.)

"Yes, thou far-crying marvel," replied Sir Jasper, "I would."

Atomic Scalp abruptly sounded off: "I believe Sapphire too! Because I'm ALSO sorry for doing evil! Something made ME understand as well!"

Neither Jasper nor Stella ever knew how it happened, but just like that she was on her feet.... crowding up against Sir Jasper... flinging her arms around his neck... and kissing him as one would kiss one's true and only soulmate. Jasper literally didn't know how to kiss a woman properly, but he allowed her to show him how it was done.

Atomic Scalp faced Brazilian Flame. "You probably wouldn't want to be kissed by me, although you're one of the few women who could kiss me and be unhurt. But I really am sorry for being evil, and I want to make amends for my crimes just like Stella does."

"I can at least shake your hand;" after which, Flame called out, "Justified League, assemble! We're about to gain two new members!"

Stellar Sapphire vaguely absorbed the fact that she and Scalp would not need to flee with the other bad people. Which meant that she could say--

"Sir Jasper, Gleaming Knight, I love you! I never knew it before, but yes, good IS better than evil, because it's nicer! And no mortal man exists who is nicer than you."

The knight and the quasi-witch did not budge from where they stood embracing, until Sir Jasper had gotten the knack of kissing her properly. Winged Virtue was glad for his master.

And the far-distant Master Yoga-Rug also detected THIS victory for goodness and hope.

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

Finally rejoining the MAIN characters!

Two days short of reaching the Seedubb solar system, Bunkem Isotope the Srirachian Goulash Mentalcat said to Prince Groan Starr:

"Trala-Lalia's hibernation has proven sufficient to maintain our oxygen supply well within safe quantity. But based on my eidetic memory of past space voyages I've been on or learned about, and my overall knowledge of planets in this part of the sci-fi universe, I calculate a forty-two percent probability that we will want to bring another passenger or two on board before we reach our destination. Because of this, I recommend that we visit a terrestroid planet and load additional supplies of water and oxygen."

Bot Index leaned over Bunkem's shoulder to touch a control icon. A star-system chart appeared on a display screen. "You likely would have hit on this one by yourself, but I've saved you a few seconds."

"Thank you, Bot," said Groan, then joined Bunkem in perusing the stats on the indicated world.

Presently, Bunkem turned toward the lady robot. "Excellent choice, friend! No intelligent life to be alarmed by our landing, environment extremely human-friendly, and abundant water. Priorities allowing, I'd like to RE-visit there after our mission is completed, and pick up another hundred gallons or so of water to take back home to the desert planet."

Princess Vixen, also nearby, frowned. "You're not going to become another Bob Snooze, are you? Destroying someone else's environment?"

"No fear, Your Highness. Given the degree of water discipline which is routine for my people-- your people too, Prince Groaner-- a new surplus of EVEN a hundred gallons will seem like a lake. And you can decree that nothing more be taken from that planet after this."

Three hours later, with the unpeopled world much nearer, Puke (who was no relation to Twerpseid's Pukedemons) tapped his captain on the shoulder.

"Hey, Groaner, since you have The Fuss now, you should see if you can detect the vibes of anything dangerous on this planet. Or anything especially good to eat."

"You're right, buddy. I'm still getting used to HAVING these powers..."

After twenty minutes of silent concentration, Groan announced to the others:

"There are several types of fruit trees on the planet, whose fruit is completely healthy for us to eat. Various green vegetables, ditto. No signs of evil.... but.... YES! There's a human being on the planet! Stranded somehow."

Vixen looked at Bunkem. "You called it. That'll be our new passenger."

 

[Copperfox]

Bunkem went to the sleeping enclosure where his wife was hibernating. Her hibernation not being dependent on cryofreeze, he was able to awaken her simply by reciting a mystical chant of the Srirachian desert warriors:

"I will not belch. Belching is the conversation-killer, the little eruption which brings total embarrassment. I will face my indigestion, but not let it pass through me until I am far away from those who might snicker at me."

Once Trala was up and about, she spent a LONG time in the bathroom before eating breakfast. Once her personal needs were all attended to, Bunkem caught her up on how their voyage had gone, up to the latest minute.

Entering the control room, she said, "Brother, allow me to add my Jalapeno abilities to your Fuss abilities, the better to scout this planet and find this castaway."

"Of course, Trala. With my own powers being still new to me, I'm not too proud to accept assistance."

When the time came, guided by what Groan and Trala had been able to sense about the stranger's probable whereabouts, Puke handled the landing approach, freeing the four humans to plan their search for the castaway. Once the ship had settled in a jungle clearing, Bunkem and Princess Vixen stepped out first, carrying blast rifles as a precaution against any Tyrannosaurus or Velociraptor equivalents. Groan and his sister followed, with holstered handguns at their sides.

"It feels odd for me to carry a directed-energy weapon," the Mentalcat remarked. "Precisely BECAUSE of advanced technology, no one carries rayguns on any of the worlds that Srirachians are familiar with; for small arms, we just use bullet-guns."

Vixen looked intrigued. "Why, because enlightened souls are trying to restrain the madness of war?"

"Something like that, but not as a matter of unrealistic absolute pacifism. On our worlds, people can easily obtain personal force-field emitters, which reduce the effectiveness of most kinds of attacks aimed at the wearer. But if a laser beam, particle beam or lightning projector hits the shield, the conflicting energies cause an explosion which would kill hundreds of people on both sides of the fight, along with bystanders."

Vixen shook her head. "Sounds like a cure worse than the disease."

"Maybe so. But that's why we're accustomed to bullet-guns back home. And I'll admit, the noise of a projectile weapon firing does kind of sound more dramatic than a raygun going fweep, fweep! But since rayguns are what you carry on the Selenium Falcon, Trala and I have left our own shield emitters behind in the sleeping quarters."

After half an hour of spiraling outward from the landing site, both Trala and Groan felt sure of the right direction to look for the castaway. When the feeling of nearness grew intense, Trala hefted her flying spoon.

"We're sure that the one we seek is not hostile; but just in case there are dangerous beasts whom we've overlooked, I'll try and flush them into the open."

The flying spoon swooshed here and there amid the foliage, purposely rattling branches and stirring vines. Presently, ponderous footsteps became audible. Groan concentrated on psychic scanning, then said, "Hold your fire, everyone! Big beasts, but not attacking!"

Into sight came five enormous dinosaur-like creatures, with prominent horns and tusks. Riding on the foremost creature sat a dark-haired boy, twelve or thirteen years old, who raised a hand in greeting.

"Ola, amigos! Me llamo Santiago!"

Bunkem immediately engaged the boy in conversation, speaking flawless Castilian Spanish. Dismounting from his friendly dinosaur, Santiago shook hands all around, then repeated in English what he had told the Mentalcat in Spanish:

"I'm a wildlife-preservation worker back on Earth-- on Original Earth, if I understand Senor Isotope correctly. I rescue animals in trouble. You may have heard of my cousin, Cora the Bilingual Tutor?"

"I know of her, by way of certain mystical truth-seeking," Trala replied. "But please continue. How did you come to be HERE?"

"One day, in a Peruvian rain forest, I discovered an unfamiliar type of animal, which I thought was in distress. But it turned out to be a Prankymon creature, and its reaction to being startled was to TELEPORT ME onto another planet, this one. Considerate of it not to drop me in outer space. But I would like to return home in time for Cinco de Mayo."

"I'm afraid that to reach home, you'll need to cross time as well as physical distance," Trala told him. "We can't achieve all of that for you ourselves. But if you're willing to take your chances with us, we may be able to contact someone who DOES have the power to do what you need."

"Gracias, senora muy bonita. Just let me say goodbye to my animal friends, and I'll join you."

Vixen turned to face her husband. "He'll probably want us all to live on a vegan diet for the duration of the trip."

Groan Starr nodded. "Fortunately, though, Santiago will have identified the most nutritious of the available plant-based foods here, and he'll help us gather a good supply."

"Si, es verdad, se puede," Santiago replied over his shoulder, while patting the snouts of all his tame behemoths.

"And I estimate at least a thirty-eight percent probability that his ability to befriend animals will be helpful to us in our mission," said Bunkem.

 

[Copperfox]

Soon after the Selenium Falcon made it back into open space, Santiago exclaimed: "Ay caramba! I just realized that we should be weightless! Your space technology must be way ahead of what Earth has in my time!"

"Smart kid," observed Bot Index. "Probably smart enough to absorb more information about things like artificial gravity and faster-than-light travel."

It took many hours of explanation, some of it over a (vegan) shipboard supper, to satisfy Santiago's curiosity about the futuristic civilizations from which his new compadres came. He was especially fascinated by the supernormal powers they possessed.

"Doesn't anybody have super-powers where you come from?" asked Puke.

"Just my cousin Cora. She has the power to stop someone from stealing stuff just by TELLING him not to steal it."

"Or else she'll kill the thief?" asked Trala-Lalia.

"No, she just plain TELLS him not to, and he gives up."

"That could actually be quite useful," said Vixen to Groan. "If we'd had Cora with us in our first adventure together, she could have simply TOLD the Spacebullies not to steal Directvideo's atmosphere, and everything would have been so much easier."

"To be truthful," Santiago told her, "Cora has never tried to talk someone out of committing planetary genocide."

 

[Copperfox]

Let's see, where did I leave Yoga-Rug?

The Banjolorian, feeling better already, told his three green-skinned companions: "Chipotli battle-droids can't fly through space on their own, any more than Count Spooky's droids could. When I made landing approach to Toofah-Roff, I detected no trace of a ship that would have delivered the Chipotli. Either the ship had excellent stealth apparatus, or it left the Chipotli droids on their own before Gross-Goo and I came, or it's planetside right now."

"But who would have piloted the carrier ship?" asked Noherra Synthmusica. "Who operates the Chipotli?"

"I don't know who built them in the first place. But for sure, not the manufacturers who were employed by Count Spooky; they were all terminated with prejudice by Acne-Skin Skystomper, years ago."

"The very fact that those badly-behaved local girls didn't realize you had protected them," said Yoga-Rug, "argues that the robots' overland approach was from that direction" --pointing exactly away from the Toofah-Roffian village. "If there isn't a grounded ship somewhere that way, we might at least find clues."

Gross-Goo summoned an additional Aerodactyl for Banjo: another big female, in view of the armored bounty hunter's weight. They all flew in the direction Yoga-Rug had pointed, only with intermittent swerves to right and left, so as to observe more total ground area. Banjo's mount was the first to tire, since she had no Fuss user making the load lighter for her. So Yoga-Rug told Gross-Goo to descend and release his animal friends from service.

"Over there, that's the River Oldblackwater. It flows near enough to the direction we're searching. We can put together a raft or boat, and continue while daylight lasts."

All this proceeded without mishap. Conditions were favorable for the river trip; in fact, the night brought a full moon, which encouraged the searchers to postpone making camp. The Oldblackwater kept on rolling, the moon kept shining on them, and it seemed that everything was gonna be all right.

It was an evening that Noherra would have loved to share with Klayman.

Except for the part when three Crocogators, the smallest of which was fifty feet long, tried to devour them.

Yoga-Rug had already told Gross-Goo about these monsters. Now the two of them telekinetically forced shut the mouths of the largest and the second-largest, which dismayed those Crocogators. While those huge carnivores beat a retreat, Banjo and Noherra killed the third with their blasters.

"Looks like a cookout for supper tonight," said Yoga-Rug to the Banjolorian. "And yes, they do taste like chicken."

 

[Copperfox]

While they all sat around their campfire after supper, enjoying the leaping flames, Noherra felt a surprisingly powerful curiosity as to what the Banjolorian's face looked like. But if she were to show openly ANY curiosity about him, the others might infer that she was already looking for a new man to replace Klayman. The more so since Banjo was known to have once had a girlfriend of Noherra's own species. And Noherra decidedly was not looking for that.

Yoga-Rug set a watch rotation for the night. Toofah-Roff had a longer rotational period than any version of Earth, and the up-side master knew the specific hazards of his native world far better than any of his companions. Thus he would stand the longest shift, the first seven hours after the rest lay down to sleep. Gross-Goo would take the midnight watch, but a short one, just two hours. The last five hours before sunrise would be stood by both humanoids together, as they were both seasoned fighters, and even without Fuss intuition they would not be easily surprised by any pre-dawn attack. To help with readiness, Banjo activated a motion detector.

The night proved uneventful-- except that, AFTER he began his turn at sleeping, Yoga-Rug's mind flew far away: to behold, AND to intervene in, a crisis in an alternate reality. The up-side master observed a superhuman warrior, a champion of goodness and honor, a hero hated by those who didn't want any high moral examples shaming them. As a battle of galactic importance raged on one version of Earth, Yoga-Rug sent a necessary thought across the unfathomed abyss, directly into this millennia-old hero's mind:

"Thunder-Master Thorpe of Hallpasscard, still-male son of Garryowen, hear me in this frozen instant of time! I am a friendly super-duper alien! I perceive your situation, and what is at stake in the war against Flatnose! But I also perceive what you DON'T perceive. The same corrupting power which rigged everything against you at the fall of Azzground, the fiendish power which diminished your strength so that you were forced to use one evil being against another evil being, the depraved power which never wants you to be allowed to win against ANY opponent because it hates your noble goodness, is now trying to make you defeat yourself!

"Another version of you, in a parallel reality, made the same disastrous blunder you are about to make! Having the power to slay the cosmic destroyer, he forgot his priorities and indulged in unwise emotion. Mere seconds of time wasted were enough to lose the battle your other self should have won. Unimaginable devastation ensued; and the lurking power which hates virtue, which hates gallantry, and which especially hates male heroes, gloated at the sight!

"Don't let that evil have any satisfaction here! It all depends on you at this moment. The despicable corrupter desires all your preparations to have been for nothing. Don't let it have what it wants! Let your story be one of triumph! Do not waste a single millisecond; aim at the head, and KILL FLATNOSE IMMEDIATELY!!"

The mighty Thorpe received and understood Yoga-Rug's telepathic message, but he actually improved on the advice-- because now the goodness-hating influence COULD NOT make him a fool. His first stroke with the magic axe Stormcracker sheared off the arm on which the unspeakably evil Flatnose wore the Infinity Mitten, so that now Flatnose could not wipe out trillions of beings before he died. Handing the severed arm to Crimson Witch to safeguard it, Thorpe then cut off both of the bluish aggressor's legs.

"Now, you son of a neutron star, you CAN'T gain anything by my pausing to gloat! You must have relied on that unseen interference to make me fail, so as to make dignified warriors look silly. But it didn't work; and now you shall die KNOWING that you LOST!"

Thorpe split Flatnose's head entirely in half, and chopped off his remaining arm for good measure. Flatnose's troops panicked, like Orcs upon the death of Sauron, and trampled each other in their efforts to flee. But since NO ONE on the side of good was erased, there were plenty of good guys to hunt them down-- even without Crimson Witch, who managed to use the Brain Rock to bring her slain lover The Eyesight back to life. Then she used the power of the complete Infinity Mitten to make it so he could live on, and even retain his powers, without an Infinity Rock planted in his forehead, because happy ending. She also used the Life Rock to make Eyesight biological enough that he could sire children, because even happier ending.

"After all, sweetheart, the earliest concept of you didn't need to be dependent on Infinity Rocks. It's all in early comics."

Before newly scattering the Infinity Rocks across the cosmos, Crimson Witch restored to life as many slain good guys as were still in a condition allowing revival. She couldn't bring back her brother Swiftsliver, because he had died too long ago; but she and Eyesight would now be able to have children, and they would name a son after her brother.

One of Flatnose's uber-ugly lieutenants appeared beside Crimson Witch, complaining: "But good beating evil, and people being happy, is SO BORING!!!!!"

"Live with it," retorted the red-haired beauty. "Or better yet, DON'T live!" And she did to him what she had done to the robot Allwrong two years before....

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

Yoga-Rug's companions were impressed when they heard in the morning about Yoga-Rug's astral travel. Noherra, being above petty envy, was happy for Crimson Witch that SHE, at least, had been able to restore her beloved.

And amid the other talk, like an afterthought, the Banjolorian did at least reveal his individual name to the green-skinned tail-headed lady.

"My name is Dim Jargon."

 

[Copperfox]

Three hours after breakfast, the four searchers discovered the answer to their questions about how the Chipotli robots had come to be on Toofah-Roff, though not yet an answer to whether or not the robot invasion had any connection with the more abstract assaults against goodness itself.

A depression in the ground was large enough to match a ship that could have dropped off the battle-droid force. The ship was gone, but remaining in a circle around the concavity were sixteen identical electronic devices-- not exactly hidden, but placed so as not to be obviously noticeable.

Dim Jargon, alias Banjo, first inspected the devices for boobytraps. When satisfied that they were safe, he took one apart and began studying its parts and molecular circuits. Noherra, still not wanting others to think she was cozying up to Dim, went and separately examined another device on the far side of the circle.

Since he had nothing to teach Dim or Noherra about pure technology, Yoga-Rug passed the time discussing with Gross-Goo how he had remotely assisted the mighty Thorpe against Flatnose, and speculating on how Groan Starr would handle any encounters he might have with similar manifestations of the corrupting power.

Presently, Dim approached the two Toofah-Roffians.

"The devices are subspace retrieval beacons. That many, simply for cautionary redundancy. There might be still others farther off. Any one of them could be used to contact the delivery ship. My guess is that they'll only transmit if activated by one of the Chipotli. Whoever planned this invasion-- or maybe call it only a raid-- probably estimated how long it should take for the droids to destroy the village. If they didn't hear back from any of the Chipotli by the end of that time, they would assume that their force met more opposition than it could handle."

"I agree," said Noherra, coming up to them. "And based on my past experiences with the rebels against the late Emperor Porkandbeen, I think it's most likely that the senders of the droids you defeated were hoping to kidnap younglings of a race-- the Toofah-Roffian race-- in which Fuss powers occur frequently."

"Hoping to reprogram younglings LIKE ME to serve the down-side," growled Gross-Goo. "I almost wish they would try that on me, so I could pulverize whatever mind-control apparatus they would use to turn me to the down-side."

Next instant, the Banjolorian startled his friends, and even himself, by quickly tugging off his helmet. His face was not very dramatic-looking, pretty much an ordinary human guy to an onlooker. Yet he had bounced back resolutely from some humiliating, unfair adversities-- which Noherra could identify with.

Dim Jargon was looking straight at Gross-Goo. "Try it on you?" Now he looked around, including at the sky. "ALL of this might be EXACTLY about getting a chance to try it on you!"

"Oy!" exclaimed Master Yoga-Rug. "You're right! The number of battle-bots they sent-- whoever sent-- weren't really enough to be sure of a successful raid on a world that's home to several strong Fuss users. But they WOULD be enough to attract the attention of strong up-side wielders like myself and the kid here. Wanting, I betcha, to kill me, and capture him or others like him for brainwashing. If they've got two or three Popquizzitors with them--"

"Or Popquizzitors COMMANDING them!" Noherra interjected.

"--they would be just waiting for indications that someone of interest to them had come to investigate their Chipotli raid." Yoga-Rug turned his face toward the fourteen interstellar beacons which HADN'T been taken apart.

All of those devices lit up with multi-colored lighting elements, and all of them extended antennas.

Yoga-Rug and Gross-Goo together telekinetically crushed eight of the transmitters. Dim and Noherra destroyed the rest with gunfire. It was almost certainly too late to prevent their unidentified foes from knowing who had sprung the trap, but at least the beacons would not be able to provide any follow-up data.

"Banjolorian! Look to see if there actually are additional beacons in the area! Destroy any you find! Gross-Goo, find us another three Aerodactyls to fly us back to the village! Noherra, you've learned how to pilot my ship; I'll need you to evacuate Gross-Goo off-world, because he's the single most promising Toofah-Roffian youngling, they'll want him the most. But lacking him, they'll grab any they can catch; so you and I, Dim Jargon, must organize a defense."

"Where do you suggest I take the boy?" asked Noherra.

"Someplace the Popquizzitors, if this is them, won't expect you to go. But don't tell me or Dim, so that no one can extract the information from us."

"Great-great-great-uncle, are you expecting to be captured?"

Dim answered for Yoga-Rug: "No, child, but compartmentalization of sensitive information is vital to operational security. This is the way."

"That didn't sound much like a line from a parody," observed Yoga-Rug.

"No, but it's true."

 

[Copperfox]

Change of scene

The Earth-reality of Seedubb did not include any Kryptonians, nor any version of Shazam or Martian Manhunter. This arguably made the strongest heroes there Aquaticman, Cyberdork, Seedubb's Green Flashlight, the magicians Doctor Unusual and Zoorama.... and one other.

Elaine Jane Dwayne, alias Huntergirl, was trying to find that sixth metahuman, who was a fellow member of the Teen Tryouts, yet possibly mightier than the other five top super-persons combined.

Assisting Huntergirl was her friend Cyberdork, who had aged out of the Teen Tryouts but still was glad to help. He had flown Huntergirl with him to Central Municipality, where The Whoosh had lived before joining Spark Labs. Central Municipality was near enough to being the geographical center of the North America on Seedubb Earth. From there, configuring himself as a powerful short-wave transmitter, the bionic hero prepared to send out a globe-circling call, which the primary intended recipient ought to be able to receive and understand without a radio receiver.

Huntergirl did the talking, into a microphone which had emerged from Cyberdork's left shoulder:

"Calliing all Teen Tryouts, but especially Marysuefire! This is Huntergirl, with Cyberdork, calling Marysuefire and any other Teen Tryout who copies this transmission! Please come to us in Central Municipality, or else to Batfellow in Urbanopolis, whichever is closer! A major operation against evil is being readied. A successful outcome will mean Spark Labs finally being secure against intruders, and unlucky heroes finally getting some LUCKY breaks!"

Cyberdork was able to send this call on twenty frequencies at once. For the next fifteen minutes, Elaine repeated the call on still other frequencies, including upper and lower sidebands. They did get an acknowledgement from the Teen Tryout known as Beef Boy, and from the adult hero Captain Patriot, but nothing so far from the formidable Marysuefire.

After another ten minutes of trying, Cyberdork was inclined to fly with Huntergirl to a spot on the opoosite side of Seedubb and resume transmitting-- when they both saw an incredible sight:

What seemed to be AN ENTIRE SPIRAL GALAXY filled the sky, rapidly moving closer to North America. Yet neither gravity nor radiation from that galaxy was doing any harm to any part of Seedubb or of its moon. As hundreds of thousands of passers-by stared, pointed, babbled, and marveled when billions of shrunken stars washed over them like a wave yet still did no damage, the foreign galaxy shrank to become smaller than a schoolbus. It touched down on pavement in front of Huntergirl and Cyberdork, and a door opened in it.

Out stepped a fourteen-year-old girl, who casually gestured behind her and made the galaxy return to its place, countless light-centuries away, growing back to normal size as it went, still without harming anyone or anything along its path. The girl advanced and hugged her older friend Huntergirl, who said:

"Thank you for the quick response, Marysuefire!"

 

[Copperfox]

"My thanks too," Cyberdork echoed. "Have you been using your comprehensive and infallible power over all forms of energy to monitor our secure communications?"

He could speak freely to Marysuefire, because he knew she would be controlling sound vibration to prevent bypassers from hearing them.

"Yes. I already knew I would be needed before you and Elaine began your atmospheric broadcast. While I was on my way to you through intergalactic space, I scanned ahead for any information that would be helpful to you. Based on exchanges in Batfellow's encrypted network, I know how Harpy Grinn came over to the side of good-- and I congratulate you, Elaine, on making that possible.

"One thing I didn't pick up: are Harpy and Alphonse married yet?"

"They are," Huntergirl assured her invincible friend; "and I've never seen him smiling so much."

"Tell them both I'm delighted for them."

"But you'll be able to tell them yourself, won't you?"

"Afraid not, Elaine. I can only stay long enough to assist in the specific situation. Another thing I did on the trip home was to search all of Seedubb remotely for the unique vibration signature of the Anti-Villain Device. The Chartreuse Goblin and Opposite Whoosh had it...."

Marysuefire extended a hand, palm up, and the missing invention appeared. "But now you have it."

Huntergirl and Cyberdork stared in amazement. "Well, that's anti-climactic," said Cyberdork, accepting the device from the energy controller, "but anti-climactic beats having bad guys win!"

Huntergirl hugged her friend once more. "Thank you SO much, sweetie! But why CAN'T you stay?"

The younger girl sighed, looking down at the sidewalk. "I owe you both, and all the Teen Tryouts, an explanation. Here goes:

"My mastery of all energy isn't QUITE as precise and accurate as I've allowed you all to believe. In the three years since my powers manifested.... I've kind of destroyed our Earth eighteen times. And five of those times, our entire solar system perished along with it. Since you're still HERE, you'll realize that I was always able to reverse time and make it so the destruction DIDN'T happen after all. But I'm afraid I might slip someday, and botch the restoration of everything. You may have heard how The Whoosh created problems for himself when he dabbled in time travel; same idea.

"So I took off, and found a galaxy with NO living things on any of its planets. I've been working on improving my control, so I don't annihilate anything. Kind of like the purpose of the Anti-Villain Device, preventing harm before it occurs."

"How soon do you think you'll feel safe returning to us full time?" asked Huntergirl.

"Hard to say. Because EVEN an unbeatable super-female can still have a weakness-- part of the superhero business, of course. My powers don't extend to nullifying supernatural forces. Evil magic-users might be able to generate power strong enough, and complex enough, to bypass all my defenses, and either kill me, or still worse, TAKE CONTROL of me for their own advantage."

"Doctor Unusual and Zoorama could protect you from threats of that kind," Cyberdork pointed out. "That's what teamwork is all about."

Marysuefire sighed once more. "Yeah, they could. But they might end up having to do NOTHING BUT shield me from evil sorcerors. It could be a net loss to the effectiveness of the side of good."

Huntergirl felt tears running down her cheeks. "Then I can only wish you luck at improving your control. Maybe developing your own organic alarm system which TELLS you if hostile magic is near that might overpower you, so then you could teleport yourself out of reach before the spell takes effect."

Marysuefire's eyes widened. "Awesome! It honestly never occurred to me! That's the advantage of having a best friend who DOESN'T have any super-powers: it requires you to think of clever plans. Thank you SO much, Elaine! You've given me a direction to pursue. Give my love to everybody!"

Marysuefire kissed them both, and half a minute later she was three trillion light-years away.

 

[Copperfox]

Captain Patriot had never been a member of the Teen Tryouts. After all, his adolescence had been all finished before their parents were born.

But he had the great merit of possessing a driver's license. Thus, he could pick up two other Tryouts who had acknowledged Huntergirl's call: the shape-changer Beef Boy, and the telekinetic girl Raisin. This would spare them from having to use their powers to travel all the way to Spark Laboratories.

Right now, Captain Patriot was driving along a country highway, listening to a recording of Jim Denver singing his hit song "Wyoming Mountain High." The Captain's shield rested on the front passenger seat. Raisin and Beef Boy sat behind, chattering about the recent favorable turn of events.

They, and other heroes, had received the good news that the Anti-Villain Device was now in Cyberdork's hands, thanks to Marysuefire. Cyberdork's first priority in wielding the invention was to direct it against the diffused, intangible influence which had been causing Seedubb's heroes to suffer so much bad luck. He was the logical choice to do this, because it was part of his power that he could make any technology work better than it otherwise would.

"I'm so glad that The Whoosh won't get beaten up every day now," said Beef Boy, who was currently in the form of a green-furred border collie. "I need him to resume tutoring me in electronics."

"And I'm looking forward to Spiderweb-Man being able to help me with telekinetic exercises again," said Raisin.

"How will he do that?" asked Steve Roughroad, the shield-carrying Captain.

"By giving me unusual objects to levitate or capture. What I mean is that I'm accustomed to moving well-defined forms-- like stopping a runaway automobile, or pulling drowning people out of a flood. Spiderweb-Man makes web constructs which are more shapeless, hard to define. That way, I can do things like try to distinguish between one wispy mass and another, moving one to the left and the other to the right without entangling them together."

Captain Patriot nodded. "Seems like a useful exercise for precision: like when I practice throwing my shield so it passes between two objects without touching either."

Just then, Beef Boy's collie-ears pricked upward. "I'm sensing evil!"

The first time Beef Boy had ever become a dog had been after watching an old Rin Tin Tin movie. Movies often portrayed dogs as enjoying a mystical power to detect evil; and the shape-changer had acquired at least a trace of that useful talent when assuming a canine form.

"Which way?" asked Raisin, who unlike the Captain had witnessed such moments with her friend before.

"That way." Beef Boy pointed out the window of the Captain's rugged offroad truck with one forepaw. "Feels like it's a little over a mile away. Can't tell if IT is aware of US."

Captain Patriot surveyed the houseless landscape in the direction indicated. At the same time, he broadcast an encrypted report over the secret good-guy radio net. Though he couldn't yet say more than their location, direction of travel, and the likelihood that someone evil was in the vicinity.

Raisin caressed the top of Beef Boy's head. This was a habit she had gotten into, any time he became either a green dog, a green cat, or a green rabbit.

"Beef, can you narrow down the azimuth?"

"Let me focus for a moment...... All right, from the direction my snout's pointing right now, about fifteen degrees to my right."

"Planning to flush them out?" Steve asked.

"Exactly," Raisin confirmed. Then she concentrated her telekinetic power, trying to sense the resistance that would reveal a human-sized mass.

 

[Copperfox]

"THERE!"-- and Raisin launched a hard push, which ought to knock anyone below 200 pounds' weight off balance. Captain Patriot whipped his truck around toward the location of the apparent evildoer.

Beef Boy, with a dog's keen hearing, picked up the sort of grunt which someone might utter when unexpectedly falling down. "Cap! Veer left a bit; let me flank them on the right!" Changing into a green greyhound, he leaped out of the crew-cab truck.

They converged on the spot where someone had indeed fallen down among the weeds. But not an evildoer..... unless a fifteen-year-old boy called Goldfinch, one of Batfellow's trainees and a member of the Teen Tryouts, were an evildoer.

"Goldfinch!" cried Raisin. "I'm so sorry! Are you hurt?"

Rising, Goldfinch dusted himself off. "No, I'm okay. And don't feel bad, accidents will happen. But did you see any sign of the stranger?"

"What stranger?" asked Captain Patriot.

"The one who left THOSE footprints." Goldfinch pointed at a nearby spot where the weeds were thinner, and three footprints could be seen in the dirt. "But he must have had a stealth device. All I saw before I was knocked down was a blurry, translucent outline, tall, moving away from me."

"Those feet are much bigger than Goldfinch's," Beef Boy observed, then sniffed rapidly. "Whoever it was also SMELLS much worse than Goldfinch."

"Follow the trail," the Captain urged; and in response, Beef Boy became a green bloodhound. They were able to follow the scent for a quarter-mile, but then it ceased.

"I think we need to let this wait," said Raisin. "We don't know this character to be threatening anyone, and we still need to get to Spark Labs. We will report it to the other heroes, though."

When they returned to the truck, Beef Boy became a green gerbil and settled in front, so there would be no difficulty fitting Goldfinch into the back.

 

[Copperfox]

Half an hour out from Generic Large City, Captain Patriot radioed Spark Laboratories: "This is Steve Roughroad" --unlike many superheroes, Cap's real name had never been a secret-- "coming your way along Interstate 49. Looking forward to some action, taking the fight to the villains. With me are Goldfinch, Raisin and Beef Boy. Estimated arrival at Spark Labs, fifty minutes from now."

A prompt reply came: "Roughroad, this is Blue Junebug. Also looking forward to some payback against the forces of naughtiness. With luck, we might mop them up in time to celebrate next Mardi Gras without worries."

"Copy that, Junebug. Maybe this year they'll elect me as Mardi Gras King." As he said this, the Captain slowed the truck and pulled over onto the shoulder.

Blue Junebug's reference to Mardi Gras was a code phrase, designated to alert good guys against the presence of an infiltrator or an impostor. Cap's reference to festival royalty was an acknowledgement. Both Raisin and Beef Boy knew the code.

But the apparent Goldfinch didn't.

Looking unconcerned, Cap reached for his glove compartment as if to fetch his sunglasses from there. A heartbeat later, Raisin telekinetically compressed and emptied the false Goldfinch's lungs, prevented him from inhaling again, and pinned his arms against his sides, This, only long enough to bring the impostor close to fainting. Meanwhile, Beef Boy changed into a medium-size boa constrictor, flowed into the rear of the cab, and wound himself around Pseudo-Goldfinch, taking over the immobilizing of his arms.

Captain Patriot called Spark Labs again: "The infiltrator is in custody. Is the actual Goldfinch safe?"

"Safe from everything except pineapple on pizza," replied the actual Goldfinch. "Does the copycat really look like me?"

"He looks more like you than you look like yourself," said Raisin. "I'll invite him to take your place, if he'll just admit that pizza with pineapple IS HEAVENLY."

"It's heavenly!" exclaimed the false Goldfinch. In response, the green boa constrictor holding him trapped squeezed the air back out of his chest for a moment.

Captain Patriot looked back at the prisoner. "Okay, James Brand Double-Oh Eleven, whom are you spying for, and what are you spying ON?"

Gasping in several deep breaths, the disguised hostile answered: "I'm a free agent, scouting for opportunities on either side of the law. What can you holier-than-thou types offer me?"

The stranger was cunning. Most villains lured into monologuing would not interrupt themselves at the instant of asking a question. Pseudo-Goldfinch unforeseeably SHRANK IN SIZE by about one-third of height and thickness. This loosened Beef Boy's coils, giving the bad guy an opening to act. Cupping his right hand around the green constrictor's lower jaw, he slammed his left fist into his palm-- which is to say, he punched the snake hard on top of the head.

Faster than Raisin or even the Captain could react, the young-looking villain expanded in size, enough so that a long punch from his right fist would hit Raisin's face hard enough to bloody her nose and mouth.

Despite his confining position in the driver's seat, Cap managed to hurl his own left fist at the stranger; but another drop in size brought Pseudo-Goldfinch's head below Cap's arm. Then the impostor opened a door and sprang out.

As the Captain also exited the truck to pursue, the villain turned almost perfectly invisible. Cap would still have overtaken him, looking at footprints on the ground, but the tricky criminal tossed a miniature tear-gas bomb in Cap's path.

By the time the old soldier was done coughing, his young companions had come around from being sucker-punched. Beef Boy resumed bloodhound form and began sniffing the ground, but soon told the others:

"Right here, the scent vanishes, like a light being switched off. That sneak must be able to change his own smell. as well as change what he looks like."

"Which explains how he could leave that weird odor you found before," said Raisin.

Cap added, "And along with changing his footprint size, the smell convinced us that 'Goldfinch' really was looking for someone else. The gang at Spark Labs has just gained a new mystery to investigate."

 

[Copperfox]

Meanwhile, back at Stately Dwayne Manor on the outskirts of Urbanopolis, the former Harpy Grinn, now Harpy Nickelworth, had finished hanging up, or putting into drawers, the brand-new everyday wardrobe her new husband had bought for her. (On top of the more extravagant outfits she had received as wedding gifts.) They were in what had been Alphonse's bachelor quarters, but the suite was more than spacious enough to accommodate a pair of newlyweds.

Especially since, British stuffiness or no British stuffiness, THESE newlyweds had no intention of EVER sleeping in separate beds like married people in Fifties television shows.

An actual honeymoon was being postponed: not because Harpy desired a honeymoon any less than other brides married to good men would desire it, but because she felt duty-bound to help the Batfellow team capture the initiative against the evildoers of whom she had lately been one.

"Even with the Anti-Villain Device recovered so quick for us," she had told her beloved earlier that day, "creeps like I used to be always have another nasty trick to try. We gotta keep 'em on the run."

"I understand that eminently, my dear," Alphonse had replied. "What I'm not happy about is NOT going into danger with you myself."

This had been Harpy's opportunity to try something. She wanted to show a sweet, appealing expression to this man whom she loved and revered; but she needed it to be a totally DIFFERENT expression from the adoring looks she had formerly bestowed on the utterly undeserving Wisecracker. She had come up with a coy sidelong glance, and it had pleased her husband.

I'll give him that look often. I got nothing to prove in the tough-chick department; I can afford to be soft and warm for the most wonderful guy alive.

On the heels of her facial triumph, she had told Alphonse: "There'll be times when you can get out in the field with me; be a shame to waste your special-forces know-how, since you got your macho groove back. And when I get started givin' you babies, Mister Bats might need you on the street with him and Missus Bats IN MY PLACE; could call you somethin' like Bat-Butler. But right now, you're more needed helping Professor Virgil downstairs."

Harpy had been speaking about Mr. Virgil Fixxit, the top design engineer for Dwayne Enterprises-- and the man who had long taken Batfellow's preliminary concepts for new crimefighting hardware, and turned them into functional finished products. Including every Batcar after the first two that Brutus Dwayne had designed on his own.

Accordingly, Alphonse had joined Virgil in the Bat-Grotto for an initial discussion of the latest projects-- which, in fact, revolved around possible devices that could help Harpy to juggle part-time crimefighting and the restarting of her career in psychiatry.

Now, though, Alphonse had taken a recess from technical planning, to be with Harpy before she set out on her first excursion AGAINST crime and evil.

Taking her in his arms-- arms which, thanks to Doctor Unusual and Zoorama, had already regained almost all their old strength from his days as a combat soldier-- Alphonse now told her: "Dearest, it's good and right that you should apply all your cunning and physical prowess to protecting honest citizens and preserving the peace. But please DON'T apply any of your former chaotic heedlessness of danger."

Harpy teared up, not in pretense at all. "Oh, my sweet--" No, I'll never address him as "pudding." He must never be made to imagine that any part of me would rather be back with Wisecracker!!! "My sweet crumpit, I'm gonna be an absolute coward! Well, metaphorical-wise. I'll never ever throw my life away for no purpose.... because now I've got YOU to stay alive for."

She started kissing him, continuing until it was absolutely necessary to put on her new action costume, one similar to what Catfemale and her daughter wore.

"Hey, Al, don't even THINK about leavin' the room now! Get it through your level-headed British noggin: we're married, and you ARE allowed to watch your wife changing clothes!"

 

[Copperfox]

---> ---> ---> ---> Copperfox Reinstates the Device of Summaries! ​

Writing a parody OF a parody is complicated. Mel Brooks' highly entertaining movie "Spaceballs" is most of all a spoof of "Star Wars, A New Hope," but not scene-for-scene all through. I began by parodying the parody's own characters in a friendly way; but to enlarge the story, I needed to draw on canonical characters. Like the popular Ahsoka Tano. Without those, my writing would have been rootless. HAVING those characters as material, I could then indulge myself in crossovers. I crossed over mostly to comicbook characters, and the Dune series.

In "Spaceballs," the two romantic leads were not close copies of George Lucas characters. "Lone Star" was a COMBINATION of Luke Skywalker and Han Solo, and was not any blood relation to the heroine. "Princess Vespa" was very different from Leia Organa in personality. The differences were great enough that it would be plausible for my copies of Lone Star and Vespa to MEET other characters who WERE close matches for Luke, Leia and Han. (I have not yet done this, though.)

By contrast, Mel Brooks made his Yoda equivalent, "Master Yogurt," sufficiently similar to canonical Yoda, that it wouldn't have worked for me to try to sell two of them to the reader. So I only have one Yoda equivalent in "Spacebullies."

When bringing in comicbook heroes, I followed their own "multiverse" pattern, allowing more than one Batman, more than one Aquaman, etc. But only one Dune equivalent.

I have a unifying theme here: one which I expressed a few years ago in my TDL short story "Hopecrushers of Dune." I am sick and tired of stories which promote existential despair. I am not ashamed to be fond of happy endings.

This being said, my next post will begin my actual synopsis of action so far.

 

[Copperfox]

Begin Outlining on 7 January.....

>> Begin where Mel Brooks' movie ended: the planet Directvideo ("Druidia" in the movie), home of Princess Vixen, has been saved from genocide. Darth Vader counterpart, whom I call Dark Headgear, is arrested by my counterpart of Ahsoka. But his space admiral escapes, later to join the bad guys in my version of the Dune universe.

>> Groan Starr and Vixen (like their counterparts in the Mel Brooks film) have gotten married. UNLIKE the Mel Brooks movie, they determine that Groan Starr was born on my version of Dune/Arrakis. He is an extra sibling to Frank Herbert's characters of Paul Muad'dib Atreides and Alia of the Knife. "Trala-lalia of the Spoon" has nothing against the idea of Groan assuming rulership of "Srirachiss," but informs him that he must undergo murderous ordeals (expanding on the pain-box incident in the canonical "Dune") if he is to be accepted as a ruler. Groan and Vixen are horrified at how unhappy life is here, and think that Yoga-Rug (my Yoda equivalent) might be able to improve things.

>> Unlike the actual Dune books, my version of Alia has NOT so far become a victim of evil possession. She joins Groan and Vixen in the quest to find a way to make life more bearable on the desert planet. Also on the trip is my version of the cloned Duncan Idaho. Unlike "Mentat Duncan Idaho" in the early Dune sequels, my "Mentalcat Bunkem Isotope" is enjoying a genuine loving marriage with Trala.

>> The evil admiral, welcomed among the "Snarkonnens," meets my equivalent of Frank Herbert's evil Tleilaxu scientists, the "Lazytaxies." One of these, Doctor Dizwarn, shows him video in which it isn't always clear what is "really" happening, and what is entertainment. But the point is that the bad guys want everyone everywhere to believe that evil is unbeatable and goodness is weak.

>> The Tleilaxu-type corrupting influence is invisibly spreading across the universe, discouraging good people on many worlds. It will be seen that there are widely-separated multiple Earths, not needing to be literally in separate universes........

Suddenly, a time-space gateway opened up INSIDE this post! Its origin was in the future, sixteen months after Copperfox had begun writing his outline. Through the opening stepped a black-haired fourteen-year-old girl, wearing a loose T-shirt which said, "Who Needs Men?" She immediately began yelling at the readers, and the readers must imagine her voice to be the most boastful, arrogant, smug, narcissistic human female voice you ever heard.

"Hey, readers! Never mind Copperfox and his dumb story! I know it's a dumb story, because it SHOULD HAVE been all about ME! Forget about recognizing which movies and comics he decided to parody; none of that matters. What matters is that I'm better than anyone at everything, and MY feelings at any given moment matter more than YOUR very lives! I don't need to learn from anyone else, and I don't have to respect anyone else, because I am the unbeatable ANTIMERICA CHUTZPAH!!! Rey Palpatine is a loser compared with me! Stories are pointless unless they're about ME!!"

 

[Copperfox]

COPPERFOX MANAGED, NONETHELESS, TO CONTINUE SUMMARIZING.....


>> In "The Empire Strikes Back," Luke met Yoda on a swampy world. In "Spaceballs," Lone Star and Vespa met "Yogurt" on a desert world. For my story, I straddle those alternatives. My character "Yoga-Rug" was BORN ON a swampy world, but eventually MOVED TO a desert world.


>> When first seen "onstage" in my story, Master Yoga-Rug has been doing his own investigating of the evil influences plaguing the universe. He is joined by my version of Captain Hera from "Star Wars Rebels;" she is in mourning for her beloved Jedi, here called Klayman, who died saving her just as in "Rebels." Yoga-Rug and "Noherra" fly to Yoga-Rug's birthplace, where they meet "The Banjolorian." Banjo, annoyed that his expensive armor gives him no protection against a bare-handed punch by anyone female, has nonetheless managed to bring "The Child," here called Gross-Goo, to the planet "Toofah-Roff." Gross-Goo in my narrative has grown part of the way to adulthood, and can assist the other characters with investigating evil activity on the planet.

>> The Banjolorian is first to figure out that the unidentified villains-- who might be "Popquizzitors"-- have been waiting for Yoga-Rug and Gross-Goo both to be present on their ancestral planet, so the villains can try to kill or capture them. Noherra is assigned to transport Gross-Goo to someplace distant and obscure, while Yoga-Rug and Banjo (a.k.a. Dim Jargon) prepare for a counterattack against the bad guys.

>> Meanwhile, multiple parallel Earths were shown combating the effects of the intangible evil power which makes things difficult for good guys. The Earth which got the largest share of my narrative attention is called "Seedubb," suggestive of the CW television network.

>> On Seedubb, in the city called Generic Large City, my versions of Spiderman, Cyborg and the Flash all work at "Spark Laboratories"-- which is cursed with a total inability to prevent ANY super-criminals from breaking in any time they feel like it. My Flash equivalent has invented a powerful Anti-Villain Device, only to have it stolen by equivalents of The Joker and Harley Quinn. But in a fortunate break for the side of good, my version of Huntress, whose parents are versions of Batman and a reformed Catwoman, captures "Harpy Grinn."

>> While being held captive in the "Bat-Grotto," Harpy is contacted psychically by Master Yoga-Rug, who was able to sense her mind across a vast cosmic distance. (This is before Yoga-Rug meets Banjolorian.)

>> Believing that she has the potential to turn good, Yoga-Rug mentally pushes her in that direction. His good influence is greatly helped by someone on-scene: Alphonse Nickelworth, my version of Batman's famous butler, whose humane treatment of the prisoner makes a deep impression on her. Once converted from evil to good, Harpy falls desperately in love with Alphonse, because he is the polar opposite of the detestable Wisecracker. My versions of Doctor Strange and Zatanna magically confirm that Harpy Grinn actually has become good, so Alphonse decides what the heck, why NOT marry her when she begs him to.

>> My version of Captain America, and versions of the Teen Titans, prepare to join the other heroes in turning the tables against all super-villains on Seedubb. They discover that a bad guy with some degree of shape-changing ability is on the loose, but they are not immediately able to catch him. "Huntergirl," meanwhile, finds out that my equivalent of the nearly-omnipotent Starfire is avoiding their Earth, because she is afraid of destroying it with her essentially unbeatable energy-control powers.

>> When the narrative at last rejoins Groan Starr and his companions, they are on their way to Seedubb. Enroute, they pick up an equivalent of Diego, Dora the Explorer's cousin, who was teleported to another planet by a misbehaving Pokemon creature.