Spacebullies Two: The Search For More Parody

On the planet where the specialized Starhatch was located (note that Hector von Bootblack had arranged the special time-shift), Backy "Winter Trooper" Shedd and some of the reformed Hotblood Matrons were monitoring the dimensional passage, when an ogre-like biped joined them. He was wearing a Green Flashlight uniform, complete with energy-controlling prosthesis.

"I am called Indabog: a senior Green Flashlight. Hector von Bootblack, who is known to you, visited Planet Wawa, where he spoke to the Janitors of the Universe about what a monumental evil Deuce Wayans hopes to overcome on his Earth-variant. Impressive though his human skills are, it's too much to ask for Deuce to overturn the evil trend in his America-variant without an added advantage. Hector asked for Deuce to be inducted as a Green Flashlight. Master Katmatao already knew about Mister Wayans' virtues, and gave consent. Accordingly, I have brought an available Flashlight prosthesis, one whose previous wearers left a glorious history of noble goodness and heroism. Hector cast an enchantment on it, so that as soon as Mister Wayans puts it on, he'll understand how to use it.

"So where is he?"

Winter Trooper pointed. "Over that way, in the hut he uses when he's here." To hustle things along, just assume that Indabog's presentation of the power artifact to Street Bat proceeded without mishap. Then Indabog flew back to Wawa.

Deuce thanked everyone who deserved his thanks, and asked for the Starhatch to be set to return him to Bat-Earth seven months in the past, which would be more than a year after the last time he had shown himself on his homeworld as Street Bat. His first move upon arriving would be to communicate with Alvin and Chang-Shi, briefing them on his new resource for battling evil.

The Starhatch delivered him inside one of his earliest-created hideouts, located under Gossamer City, which lay just west of the Yorkborough Life Avenue. From there, he could use a secret encrypted landline phone to call the most likely secure places where Chang-Shi or Alvin might be reachable also via land lines. When he got through to his followers, he told them his tentative plan: stay "home" for about three weeks, improving his means of coming and going, and defeating any immediately-threatening villains. Then let his doubles make Street Bat appearances not overly hazardous for themselves, until he returned at a time which would be simultaneous with real time. "After that, no more time travel. I'll be at least four years younger than I should be; that'll be good enough."

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Chang-Shi's last gig as Street Bat occurred in Portland, Oregon, three days before he heard from the returning Deuce. He sighted three men behaving rather improperly toward a woman. Each of the criminals would afterwards require more than a month in a prison hospital. Alvin's last such excursion-- with a similar outcome for criminal predators-- occurred two days after the real Deuce Wayans came home to stay, so Deuce could be circulating nonstop in his old social circles.

In view of his high-visibility life, Deuce cautiously took his time about showing his sidekicks the potential of his Flashlight prosthesis. They, in turn, made sure that he was current on what hideouts were available to him. After this, he let news reporters know that he was going to take an end-to-end tour of the Yorkborough Life Avenue. Accommodations were available, so he could remain inside the Avenue for the four nights it took to let his tour be thorough. Residents who spoke to him all acted overjoyed to be living in a Life Avenue.

Though concealed inside his suit, and not making a Flashlight Corps uniform appear on him, Deuce's artifact was able to monitor the heart rates of those who spoke to him. With two-thirds of residents meeting him, heart rate suggested that they really meant it about loving their present life. The other one-third showed secret signs of doubt or even dissatisfaction. He couldn't openly display his empathy for them-- but he remembered.

Also firmly planted in his memory was the one time he ate in a Collective Dining Hall. He would remember hearing an amplified voice:

"Citizens of the Yorkborough Life Avenue, unity and agreement is everything. Your food-selection options for today are: sweet potatoes and cabbage, tofu and corn, or pinto beans and cauliflower. Today's beverage options, besides distilled water, are green tea and oat milk. Now line up to have your current body weight entered for portion determination."

His other meals within the enclosed mega-neighborhood were shared with upper-crust administrators. Here and there, Deuce had seen posters which said, "If You See Something, Say Something"-- inviting the urban serfs to inform on each other for any acts of disobedience. But inside the exclusive chambers where he hung out some of the time, there was a cynical revision of that poster, saying, "If You Don't See Anything, Make Something Up."
 
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PLANET CHIMPANZIA :

Eleven Goldarnits (derived from Narns in "Babylon Five") were marking off intended building sites in the plot of land their merchant-shipping combine was being allowed to lease as warehousing space, for cargoes which might be brought into this sector and then divided for subsequent shipping to multiple final-destination worlds. The simian businessman Lekravant, and human space pilot Wilma Dearthing, were watching them at work, while also casually talking about Chimpanzia's own expected progress in on-world cargo transportation.

Readers may recall that "Dearthing" is Wilma's maiden surname. She would have been perfectly willing to assume her beloved husband's last name, if not for the fact that the ruling class on Planet Directvideo didn't go in for last names. When being referred to by others as "Duchess Wilma of Directvideo," she had no problem; but for less official usage, "Wilma of Directvideo" just sounded too silly.

It was in the nature of Duchess Wilma's original occupation to keep informed about spaceship traffic entering, crossing or departing the Directvidean star system. Thus it was natural for Lekravant, though himself also versed in shipping activities, to ask her: "Do you know yet how soon Tutti Howizzit will arrive with the seed specimens?" Tutti Howizzit was an official in the service of House Ashtrayides, and had played some part in the environmental decontamination of Planet Greedy Crime. Wilma replied, "Should be no longer than two Chimpanzian days now."

B'Taola, a hairless Goldarnit woman, joined them just in time to avoid breaking the fourth wall; she would provide the expository question: "Who and what is Tutti Howizzit?"

Wilma answered, "Tutti is what the Galactic Empire cultures call a Mentalcat, modified to be able to think super-quickly, about the most complicated subjects. Her father Tofu Howizzit served Duke Neato the Pure-Hearted and Generally Likeable. Tutti and other scientists have been developing strains of ethanol-producing vegetation, which can provide fuel for various types of engines--engines just basic enough that Chimpanzian industry is already able to manufacture them. The engines could be used for land, air and aquatic shipping, thus bringing to planetside markets whatever consumer goods may be flown to the depot on Chimpanzia by space merchants."

"Have any Chimpanzians been to Greedy Crime to observe that project?" asked B'Taola.

"Yes," Lekravant told her. "One of our brightest young-adult females, named Likkoreesha, has been with Miss Howizzit. And she is coming home as a married female. You know that science-fictional sub-realities allow viable reproduction in marriages between humans and human-like aliens?"

The Goldarnit lady nodded. "Certainly: as with Woodrow and Yessa Ackerman in our story-reality, or with President Bruce Loxbagel and Lady Deelyte of the Dusky Circle."

"Well, it doesn't even require either spouse to be human. Likkoreesha, one of us Chimpanzians, is recently married to Corporal Yubadosh, one of the Orangutanoid soldiers from Anoxia who fought in our defense against Duke Terror. Both of them were with Miss Howizzit, and are expected to come back here with her."

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In the same sub-reality where Planets Greedy Crime, Waterpark and Srirachiss existed (the last of these being the birthplace of Groan Starr, Trala-Lalia, Stillneater and Gladiola), the remote world of Pointfar still was repairing the damage previously inflicted by evil robots based on the Dune prequels. Staying here long-term, as defense against any new threats, was Green Flashlight Sheckmarosh from Planet Hoofmark. His people, and the closely related Jinobridon people at the far end of the Red Streak Wormhole, were omnivores, with centauroid bodies but heads like bears. Having spent months teaching science to his Jinobridon cousins a couple of years ago (before he was inducted into the Flashlight Corps), he fell naturally into teaching the humans on Pointfar about the universe beyond their Dune-based story arc. A typical session went like this.......

ANY RANDOM HUMAN--- I think I understand what you've said about holes in space. But it still seems weird that your ships can fly through them without a Naughtygator psycbically tracing the path. Are you sure you other races don't use The Jalapeno, maybe calling it by a different name?

SHECKMAROSH--- In all civilizations that were known to me before I was introduced to yours, no digestible organic substance like your Jalapeno plays any part in propelling spaceships. What we Green Flashlights do to travel across interstellar space is organic in a sense, because we all possess physical brains: but it doesn't depend on something we eat. And no single rank-and-file Flashlight could hope to transport an enormous ship for galactic distances. It's my understanding that wormholes are permanent and stationary, but your Naughtygators are uniquely able to detect temporary paths which a starship could use for instantaneous transit if it hurries.

A.R.H.--- Does this mean that your worlds have nothing like the Spaced-Out Guild?

SHECKMAROSH--- Nothing exactly like it, anyway. There are various organizations which set rules for space transportation, but few of them enjoy anything like the monopoly control your Naughtygators possessed for so many generations.

A.R.H.--- So, multiple independent owners of starships, within any given interstellar community? Does this, this decentralization result in violence?

SHECKMAROSH--- Occasionally, but no worse than the past conflicts between the noble houses in your Galactic Empire.

A.R.H.--- All right, we have heard a bit about Princess Eerilake sponsoring the construction of starships not dependent on Jalepeno use. Are you qualified with any of those ship types?

SHECKMAROSH--- No, not even with atmospheric fliers, which my people do have some of. (Displaying his Flashlight prosthesis) When the Janitors of the Universe tapped me to become a Green Flashlight, I was sort of jumped over all that. I do my own flying now, me myself.

A.R.H.--- Is there any chance that someone on our planet could enlist in the Flashlight Corps?

SHECKMAROSH--- Yes, a strong possibility. The Janitors realize that your world is potentially in jeopardy from any of several possible evil threats. While I'm available to guard Pointfar indefinitely, it would be good for you to have a Flashlight of your own eventually.
 
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Jinobrid, the Second Galaxy planet where Sheckmarosh had participated in mass education of the centauroid natives, orbited a red dwarf star whose energy output was only just enough to make a planet habitable. Solar-powered generation of electricity could never be made efficient there, and the percentage of the planet covered with ice mostly prohibited any attempts to get at underground fossil fuels. Ocean-floor petroleum prospecting was feasible, but most educated Jinobridons agreed that they had better not become dependent on an energy source which might become depleted far faster than hydrocarbons on Earth-variants.

One merciful biological advantage for Jinobridons was that adults could travel on their own hooves at a speed not much less than Original Earth automobiles, continuing for over two hours before needing to rest. Their species also possessed high- quality sailing ships to travel on the seas in their liquid-water latitudes. Consequently, however much electrical power they could produce, could be assigned to producing light and heat. Water wheels on Jinobrid's rivers could power hydroelectric generators, as well as directly powering sawmills and similar installations.

One purpose which would never demand electrical power on Jinobrid --unless it were on the relatively few equatorial islands-- was the refrigeration of food. All in all, the "poor cousins" of the Hoofmarkians looked like soon possessing a modest but meaningful , sustainable industrial base.

But this being a comic-bookish storyverse, there still was the possibility of using UNIVERSE JUICE!

Which is to say, the plotline-convenient sort of power supply wielded by Green Flashlights and Heart Sapphires.

The human Green Flashlight Parbellik Magta, and his Dahudoran-born Heart Sapphire wife Luvardra, had actually first met on Jinobrid. Sapphire Sisters, unlike anybody in the real world, REALLY DID possess the gift of recognizing their genuine true love at first sight. Falling in love with Parbellik for his noble goodness had spared Luvardra from the disgrace of becoming part of the problem on Jersey Earth.

Around the same time as Sheckmarosh met with Pointfarrian humans in the Milky Way Galaxy, the Magtas addressed a gathering of some of the smartest adolescent Jinobridons. Luvardra began:

"The Janitors of the Universe, based on Planet Wawa beyond the Red Streak Wormhole, have a long reach. More than a year ago, they assisted in the overthrow of an evil dictatorship in this galaxy. Parbellik and I were privileged to have a hand in this righting of wrongs. If some of you become Green Flashlights, you will possess great power both to thwart evil, and to achieve dramatic peacetime improvements in your world." She left the rest of the presentation to her husband-- because the Sapphire Sisterhood accepted only humanoids, because it accepted only females (apart from the aberration of the Cosmic Fact Checkers), and because it had embarrassed itself by the mess it made on Jersey Earth.

"Bearers of your parents' hopes and ideals," Parbellik told the assembly, "the fact that only a few of you night become Green Flashlights, does not change or diminish the fact that all of you can potentially achieve great benefits for your world as a whole, and for your various local communities." He went on to describe several of the diverse interstellar civilizations he and Luvardra had visited, citing examples of what marvels might be learned in those distant regions. Now that the Spacebullion people had come over to the side of good (AND some of them had actually traveled as far as the Red Streak), peaceful interaction between the two galaxies was likely to grow, and Jinobrid could benefit by contact with travelers.

You get the idea.

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When the real-world novelist Frank Herbert mapped out the miserable fates of Paul Muad'Dib and his son Leto the Second, he was not about to let actual reality interfere with his pretense of hard-nosed realism. So he just arbitrarily claimed that constitutional government was JUST AS LIKELY TO BE BAD as an absolute dictatorship. The rule of law, checks and balances, accountability for politicians: Mr. Herbert scoffed at all of that, because he wanted to feel superior to those who championed a limited government. (Your present author wonders what Mr. Herbert thought about the real-world George Washington refusing to be made a king.)

Because the storyverse containing Paul Muddy-Drip arose from a literary premise which demanded gratuitous tragedy and misery, Paul had simply been unable to stop himself from playing out the jihad scenario. The most he had managed was to reduce the killing of noncombatants. But now that Paul had died six or seven times (and since diehard meddling by survivors of the old Calamari Dynasty had been put down), it had at least been possible for his son Stillneater to undo some of the galactic damage.

It has been reported many pages ago that Duke Stillneater formally renounced Ashtrayides rule over most of the planets Muddy-Drip had conquered. Now, however ("now" being flexible, but close enough to present time in other plot arcs), Stillneater decided that, even if no longer governing those worlds, he needed to normalize and formalize relations with them one way or another. He used Naughtygators as couriers for this purpose, because many ex-Imperial star systems had not so far adopted subspace radio for interstellar comms. Several planets which had found isolation to be no blessing-- Planet Gumwad, for instance-- happily sent representatives to Planet Waterpark to meet Stillneater. Over two hundred more planets less happily, but willingly, sent their delegates as well. Readers should assume that ex-Imperial worlds I have specifically identified at any previous time were among those participating.

Mentalcat Tofu Howizzit gave preliminary greetings to the assembled conference delegates, then introduced Duke Stillneater Ashtrayides. The substance of Stillneater's welcoming speech was as follows:

"In the name of my mother, my uncle with his wife, my aunt with her husband, and my sister, I thank you all for your willingness to restore in some degree our former connections. On my word of honor, while I live, no one acting for House Ashtrayides will ever try to re-impose feudal domination on any of you. But normalizing trade and cultural exchanges is greatly to be desired. We Ashtrayides WILL NOT relinquish possession of Srirachiss, because the Srirachians themselves willingly accept our authority. We therefore will continue to control the only naturally-occurring source of The Jalapeno. But we will take no action against producers of synthesized Jalapeno, though consumers of that product may invite Srirachian experts to assess the quality of the syntho-spice. Neither will we try to suppress the construction and use of starships which don't even require Naughtygator guidance, such as the personal ship now used by Princess Eerilake.

"Some of your worlds have already reverted to some form of hereditary monarchy. I will never threaten armed intervention against any such world for this reason by itself; but any regime which denies basic human rights to its people can expect to face economic sanctions at least......"
 
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Okay, I think I've done enough other stuff, that I can return to Punksteema.

The big new coal-fueled airship Queen's Favor, designed by the Quelidard expert Jizbrol Tazaff, was taking a _very_ long flight, under the command of the seasoned Loi-Jeltua aviator Kring Dakamish, who (along with some of his men) had taken part in the Battle of Oxhide Spring. His first mate/pilot Vojur Fod had also survived that battle for the people of Gahurr. Defense for the transpolar voyage against the dark arts was the province of good-aligned druids Armolas Greenbranch and his son Froliptar. The shooting, stabbing, crushing and explosions department belonged chiefly to seven persons plus one very smart beast: Donnie Tonka, swordsman and pistoleer; Snake-Hand Ysidro Lopez, pistoleer and swordsman; the Drovalish-born Heejee faf-Tujan, with her Mifdolan friend and student Yadiva Joloris; Bear-Brother Hemrogo, accompanied by his tundra-bear companion Daintycrunch (the airship was large enough to accommodate her); and two Mifdolan soldiers who won't be named unless it becomes necessary. The last two men carried revolvers and short swords, but their primary duty in any ground combat would be to operate a pretty sophisticated field weapon for Punksteema: a 40mm mortar.

Back in Mifdola, Donnie and Ysidro had exchanged a promise in the presence of their pregnant wives. Each man would be a witness and overseer of the other man's marital faithfulness. They wouldn't see many human females in the first twenty-five or thirty days of the air voyage, but in time they would be visiting Upper Wenzeppu and other well-populated countries.

Everybody not otherwise listed aboard the steam-driven airship had this or that practical duty to perform. There was a ship's cook, but Donnie Tonka pitched in on the food preparation. Several men saw to the safety of an especially delicate item: a powerful telescope created by Heejee's mother Sazka faf-Boli. This was meant to be used eventually by Tazaff and by the two Mellow Druids-- to search Punksteema's moon for signs of its Frantic Druid inhabitants. That the evil-aligned druids had a lunar home was already known; but no planet-bound people (unless it were henchmen of the Frantics) knew how gravity worked there. The moon was quite small, actually moving _within_ the planet's atmosphere by magic; but were people up there obliged to stay on the upper surface lest they fall off, or could they stand on the bottom also, and perceive Punksteema as looming directly _above_ them?

Tazaff (remember, his people put the surname first) had spoken about the mission with Sazka, particularly thanking her for designing his new telescope. She had lowered her eyes and replied, "It was the least I could do, to make amends for my former bigotry against you and your nation. You are a wise and honorable man, and I hope my gift helps you and the Mellow Druids to uncover enemy secrets."

It had become known to Queen Sotavalit (by ordinary channels) that the nations of Tablanor, Vodranor, Gromstark, Bavrid, Felruda and Heskadug were collaborating to create an approximately 4,500-mile unbroken telegraph line across the planet's non-oceanic arctic region, to reach civilizations on the other side. Tundra dwellers in that part of the world were not at all hostile to this enterprise, especially because of brave men like the huntsman Burzu Yunsh who had helped them repel Jaheg-Jorod's ghouls. Let the readers assume that the people on board Queen's Favor make a detour east for any plotline-convenient time duration, to lend some sort of assistance to the telegraph project.

Eventually, the airship turned southeast-- bypassing the mysterious land of Silnarp, which was no part of their mission. Coming to Upper Wenzeppu, they would confer with Trail-Chooser Sahajil. She would urge Tazaff and company to fly partway back west, and reconnoiter the backward nation of Udraski.

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The ronin-archer Jonawiku would never forget that the love of his life had been murdered by Silnarpians. He knew that far from all Silnarpians were evil; but those who were evil, made an art form of it. And he had cause to believe that striking at the really bad ones would push this little-understood nation as a whole in a righteous direction. Zutozar, the female tengu whose husband Chatahem had died fighting the Bloody Diggers in Samplibam, was with Jonawiku. The ronin & the tengu started west soon after Shogun Wajitujit Firahoba announced that Christianity was to be encouraged but NOT mandatory.

The jujitsu-expert archer being friendly with the Tagdossans and Flodmarthers who dwelt west of Samplibam, he and Zutozar spent several days among them, and received useful gifts. Both travelers received many well-made arrows, with differing types of heads. sized for their respective bows. Also non-perishable foods for their journey-- plus a truly exceptional present. This was a huge kite, which could support Jonawiku's weight, and could be towed through the air by Zutozar. Without this, she could have flown carrying her human friend slowly for half an hour; towing the kite with Jonawiku secured to it, provided the wind was not astern, she could fly pulling him at almost her cruising speed for over two hours before pausing.

Yes, I said "not astern." The kite (with or without a passenger) needed wind resistance to stay aloft. The whole arrangement was designed for flying either in calm air, or into an oncoming wind. Zutozar would not have even bothered trying this going in the same direction as a region's prevailing winds moved. To use the kite for a return trip, Zutozar would probably need to shift northward, to a latitude where the wind might be going the other way.

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In Hukshem, birthplace of the young Towerman D'Kovo Pril, Ronald of Goliad had been wedded to Zoralee Jeralo by the Christian cleric Tolstoy Blake. Each partner had a couple of dozen attendants, and hundreds of well-wishers. At the subsequent wedding banquet, Jarsken Bowdrie came up to the groom and said quietly: "When a foundry hand retires, even if his family's needs are well provided for, he feels lost. Whatever easier occupation he takes up, like planting a vegetable plot with his grandchildren, it feels to him like loafing, or cheating. Well, it isn't cheating; it's a new stage in the production plan of your life. I'm aware that Missus Goliad plans to hold up her end of the plan."

The conscientious laborer and powerful boxer thus became the first person to suggest openly that "Goliad," with no "of," could serve as a surname. As soon as Jarsken excused himself, Zoralee remarked, "He showed better sense there, than when he thought you and him battering each other would make the two of you better friends. I really like the sound of 'Zoralee Goliad;' it has the same rhythm as my maiden name."

That night, Zoralee Goliad had it confirmed for her that her hero REALLY HAD NEVER experienced intimacy; he really had lived all those years for nothing but duty and virtue. Happily, she had no difficulty convincing the Towerman that accepting a belated reward for his larger-than-life goodness was not any betrayal of his hero's code. After all, Ronald in his mentoring role with D'Kovo and others had proven that he could also raise children to be noble and brave.

Speaking of children, Mellow Druidess Wildroot Seedoil was working on good magic to ensure that Zoralee, who was well past her prime childbearing years, would regain her potential fertility from sixteen years ago. Loi-Kikoro hunter K'Zogar joined some of the Malgriff Hussars and Loi-Hukshem bureaucrats, going north to visit Reepokistan, which neighbored Hukshem. The Reepoks rarely ventured outside their borders, but had no objection to a well-behaved visitor. Two-thirds of them were Christians, referring to Christ as Meshvaa.
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Talusek Fernwood, eldest of Ronald's recent apprentices, with his own bride Feshri supporting him, saw it as his sacred obligation to keep the "family business" going. Supplied with some silver cash by the Pril family, the Fernwoods headed back into Reslagor. Two men who could lend them added legitimacy came along: Grant Ironlode, one of the earliest recruits for the Captains of Skilled Labor, and Quildek Firth, agent of the Reslagorian Oligarchy, who had been investigating the mostly-nonviolent labor movement. Grant had gained prestige for the "Captains" in Reslagor by his expert inspections of wharfs in Lenpith and other seaports. Quildek had lately gathered enough evidence to arrest Punksteema's nearest equivalent of an Original Earth Marxist: Ulyano Skeetrott, the only labor leader in Reslagor advocating violence even against persons not doing any harm to the workers.

After several days of assisting with labor-management mediation along the Reslagorian seacoast, the good-aligned foursome were joined by Vardilac Bocarden, Headmaster of the Pinebranch Gorge Young Men's Academy, who promoted the widespread learning of what our world would call "S.T.E.M." subjects. Not long afterward, being contacted by telegram, these five headed inland, which was north. Near the north end of Reslagor, by invitation of the Oligarchy, Thane Pericles Jortark from southern Bamulica was talking with local business owners about plans to regulate joint business investments by Bamulican and Reslagorian businessmen. Sergeant Zane Penrossley of the Malgriff Hussars was also in attendance, and compared notes with Talusek's party.

Things were looking almost disappointingly peaceful and constructive; and, well, that was how they were. Potentially bloody disputes and grievances don't ALWAYS have to end in major bloodshed.

But of course, the Reslagorian seafarer Yarbeck Trask, and others under Jaheg-Jorod's influence, were still up to mischief outside Reslagor.

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Sir Wyatt Hickok and his followers had traveled for a sizeable portion of their world's circumference, mostly in the southern hemisphere. In the nation of Tohaz, where Wyatt had once vanquished an undead infestation similar to the later instance in Tablanor, they had met the weapon-forger Bretpord Kleevon, who owed Wyatt a large favor from a time before Wyatt's hibernation. Bretpord, at the Towerman's request, had made three weapons of identical design as the Original Earth Dacian Falx (which you can look up on Youtube), plus one wooden practice version. The one intended for Wyatt to wield was longer than the others.

Ilya Trostel, quite handy with his boot-knife and axe and the .44 magnum given to him by Ronald, was the only one of the four NOT to acquire a claw-sword (as these blades were called in Tohaz). Regarding himself as very much a gunslinger, Ilya preferred to allot more of his on-body carry weight to ammunition for the high-penetration revolver. Wyatt's claw-sword was much longer than the ones carried by the newbies, both because he was larger than they, and because he had no longsword or pole-arm for melee. Apprentices Lagmarosk Mezdatch and Frethric Belgus (the former being the son of a highway inspector) were in good shape for both shooting and stabbing. Besides now having claw-swords besides backup weapons, their three-shot rifles have socket bayonets.

The quartet had eventually moved back up to the northern hemisphere; but more catch-up on them later.
 
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If this narrative were a Dungeons & Dragons game, I could say that a good-aligned fighter, a good-aligned magic-user, and a good-aligned cleric were on outdoor campaign along the east-by-southeast border of Tablanor. Sheriff Ramseth Holst, Mellow Druid Haricot Flakebark, and Pastor Silas Larkburg were all on the lookout for accomplices of the Frantic Druids. Long before this, Ramseth had exposed several easterners as having accepted money from Chieftainess Grenlu Avireska of Quelidar to attempt the murder of Jizbrol Tazaff. Although Mister Jizbrol was now far beyond the reach of Chieftainess Grenlu, God only knew if the Quelidard ruler might have other names on a terminate-with- prejudice list.

Based on what Ramseth and friends had gathered so far, Grenlu Avireska's agenda had been terribly mundane. Possessing substantial information on Tazaff's plans, she had hoped to convince foreign merchants that she had invented the new airship designs, thereby tripling or quadrupling her personal wealth. But if the Chieftainess was capable of murdering for money, she might not stop at one victim. None of the three good guys held any jurisdiction in Quelidar, but trouble might come to Tablanor from outside again, as it had after Tazaff came through Vodranor.

Here I remind readers that the young Towerman Ilya Trostel received his first name from his maternal grandfather. Ilya Gorbuno still was employed as a big sailing ship's bosun, and one or another of the above-listed good guys would see him from time to time. But none of them expected to hear news of the elder Ilya from the Good Witch of Felruda. Pastor Larkburg, of the three, was the most spiritually attuned to premonitions of events NOT involving trees or wild animals. It was he, accordingly, who heard words in his mind from Rizlaya Tohir, advisor to General William Seldunin of Felruda:

"Silas Larkburg, you know of the existence of a young Loi-Hukshem gentleman called T'Pinnok Zur, who sees future events in dreams. T'Pinnok has foreseen a threat against a brave gunslinger who springs from the Trostel and Gorbuno bloodlines. Ilya Trostel, in company with other gunslingers, is bound from Komodria to Quelidar. In less than a ten-day, Chieftainess Grenlu Avireska of Quelidar will seek to abduct these voyagers by treachery, having gotten the notion that someone would pay a huge ransom for the safety and liberty of Towermen. If you have the means, please gather some who can intervene against this despicable scheme. My patron the General, for his part, is putting together a platoon of men-at-arms who, if cleared to pass through Tablanor, will take a river-ship in Gromstark, hastening to join with anyone who may intend to go to the Towermen's aid."
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In short, General Seldunin's men received permission to advance as they requested. A Lieutenant Dartell commanded the unit. They were joined by the Heskadugger huntsman Burzu Yunsh, who had shared adventures with Towermen. Burzu carried the magic spear which had helped to slay the Rogbal, and had a double-barrelled shotgun slung at his back. A Felrudean private named Rodney Zeljin, having a surplus revolver, taught Burzu how to use it. These were met in Gromstark by men who had heard about the situation from Captain George Rothermill. A steam-and-sail ship being engaged in Vodranor, the elder Ilya persuaded that ship's captain to bring him along. It was estimated that the party of Towermen would be in Quelidar before their would-be rescuers got there, but the rescuers had to try.

* * * * * * * * * *
Being a Towerman did not automatically confer precognition upon a man. Wyatt and Ilya knew that a Quelidard inventor was a friend to the gunslingers' order; they knew that the Frantic Druids were enemies to Mr. Jizbrol, but had never heard much about the present corrupt Quelidard government. Frethric and Lagmarosk had no reason to feel more suspicious than their elders did.

Avireska was taking no chances. The four visitors were met first by honest officials who weren't in on the treachery. Only when the travelers found themselves targeted by nearly forty muskets, plus five or six cap-and-ball revolvers, did they realize they had been suckered. Wyatt noted wryly that the man-trappers were positioned in such a way (some on rooftops) that none would hit their fellows if shooting began.

Once the four gunslingers were heavily shackled, the Chieftainess didn't keep them waiting to know her intentions. "I know that you know who Jizbrol Tazaff is. He had the outrageous NERVE to claim that HE had the right to control and profit by his inventions, just because he had invented them and worked on them personally. He refused to show proper deference to his rightful sovereign! How can the world get along if underlings don't submit to rulers? But I know that you Castle-Men or whatever are historically disrespectful to your betters. Now you will experience being at my mercy, until your delusional admirers get up off their hindquarters and ransom you."
 
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On board Leaping Swordfish, the ship heading to rescue the Towermen, there were six men hand-picked by the retired Captain Rothermill, who were all superb swimmers. The top-ranking man among these, Rigger's Mate Peter Bushley, had personally created snorkel tubes, and he made sure the other five men could use them correctly. Another of the men, Seaman Amfatil Shaldur, was an expert knife thrower, and HE had already trained the other five (as well as other friends) in this tactic. It was planned that the combination steamship- windjammer would approach a Quelidard port openly, with Mr. Bushley's team standing by to infiltrate underwater.

Note that Wyatt's party, by sea and rail, had come to Quelidar from the east, while the Leaping Swordfish came from the west. The would-be rescuers would be making things too obvious if they steered for the same port where the four gunslingers had gone ashore. they would need to improvise a lot, but it would be desirable to take hostages of their own.

So the author gave them a lucky break. Perdida Fortescue, the owner-captain of the ship, recognized one of the four ships currently tied up at the waterfront. "Look at the fore-and-aft- rigged ship over there," she said to Burzu Yunsh and Lieutenant Dartell. "All of its officers and crew chiefs are brothers, cousins and one nephew of Chieftainess Grenlu. We just need to know how many of them are on board, and how many ashore. You two, and Mister Gorbuno, will go ashore with me; we'll plan how to signal our other men as to whether our targets are on their ship." Soon Captain Fortescue and her selected companions went ashore to meet the harbormaster.

Managing to avoid making the harbormaster suspicious, the captain learned that more than half of Grenlu Avireska's relatives were on the moored ship. Before long, Peter Bushley and Amfatil Shaldur led their underwater strike team to board-- and seize control of-- the fore-and -aft-rigged vessel. Surprise was complete enough that they didn't need to kill anyone, and their captives were transferred by boat. Harbor constables tried to arrest Perdida and her companions in return, but Burzu Yunsh wounded three of them in the left shoulders with his spear faster than they could react. Lieutenant Dartell and Ilya Gorbuno then held the rest at gunpoint while the shore party retreated to the Leaping Swordfish.

The only telegraph lines in Quelidar were lines reserved for the use of authority figures. Avireska soon found out that her kinsmen were hostages. Seaman Shaldur sent locks of hair from the captives to the harbormaster, with the warning: "My next cut might be much lower down." But no, the good guys wouldn't actually kill or maim these prisoners who had done them no harm.

Eventually, Sir Wyatt's party was liberated. When all good guys were safely underway, Captain Fortescue allowed the unharmed hostages to row home in the same boat borrowed from their ship.

"Tell your Chieftainess that seven or eight seafaring nations will soon be urged to blockade Quelidar, allowing no ship to pull in or depart unless for purely humanitarian reasons. This blockade will continue until Grenlu Avireska steps down from office, and is succeeded by someone who is not related to her and who IS ELECTED by the Quelidard people."

Facing the liberated knights, she said further, "Sir Wyatt, you mustn't feel embarrassed for being tricked. I've heard about your years in hibernation, and Quelidar had much more honest governance before you were put out of action."
 
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The Christianized Samplibami ronin Jonawiku-son-of-Mofiruzo and his tengu friend Mistress Zutozar had no hand in the mission to probe Udraski. They were bent on scouting Silnarp, which ranked in the top four or five of all nations on Punksteema where airships were concerned.

Jonawiku continuously reminded himself: Not all Silnarpians are evil! Must not slay any innocent person!

At whatever point in time is narrative-consistent, the adventurers were sighted by a Silnarpian dirigible, crossing their path on a southward course. It did not open fire on them, nor change its course, but it did slow down. Zutozar looked back toward the kite on which she was towing Jonawiku, and called back in Samplibami speech: "You know that we're not omniscient, but I believe these aviators to be peaceful."

They were not at this time destined to encounter Neridim Yubiwaza, artisan for the corrupt House Burakarut, the man developing Gatling guns whose ammunition would use nitrocellulose "cannonpowder."

* * * * * * * * *
There was one man in the crew of the airship Ruby Sunset who had seen Jonawiku before. Some years ago, Chief Helmsman Hadmeller Brosto had been a helmsman- apprentice on the Silnarpian airship which, by a plan which had not been disclosed to all the crew of that vessel, had committed acts of piracy on the western edge of the Shogunate. The true culprits had shouted down all objections from unarmed low-ranking crewmembers, had stolen everything valuable they could find and carry away, and had murdered numerous defenseless locals. It had been the criminals' bad luck to be caught by the ronin-archer..... and GOOD luck for men like Hadmeller that, even in his vengeful rage, the hero had slain only those who he was ABSOLUTELY certain were guilty.

The Samplibami people, who LOOKED like Black Africans, had a culture which was about 80 percent like Original Earth's Japan, and 20 percent like Mexico. Though Buddhism as we know it did not exist here, they did have the Hindu-Buddhist gesture of pressing hands together flat, with fingertips upward, signifying peaceful intent. On the day Hadmeller's life was spared, Jonawiku had given the aviator this benevolent gesture, then had separated his hands and pointed in the direction the sky pirates had come from.

Now, beckoning his backup helmsman to relieve him at the wheel, Hadmeller moved to the rail, waving vigorously. When he felt sure he was noticed, he imitated Jonawiku's former gestures, with his final pointing aimed southward.

Jonawiku shouted, "Zutozar! Pass behind them on the north!"

She did as requested. As they passed the airship's stern, Jonawiku returned the hands-of-peace gesture to Hadmeller, then waved goodbye.

The ronin would find out later that the dirigible was bound for Nabrodo, a small, isolated realm which has been briefly mentioned once before. It occupied an easily-defended area in the mountains which bordered Gahurr on the west. The Nabrodoans raised animals very similar to mountain goats; cheese from the milk of these herd-beasts, and fabric from their hair, were Nabrodo's principal exports.

Nobody from Nabrodo plays any role in Jonawiku's current story-arc.
 
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Still plenty of untangling to do for my convoluted Halo parody. Better devote THIS post entirely to review.

The actual Halo game imagines a prehistoric succession of ultra-super-ever-so-ancient "Precursors" followed by about-half-that-ancient "Forerunners." I dislike this kind of wretched- excess exaggeration, so I compressed it. Only the "Preliminaries," my version of the Precursors, are said to be super-ancient; my "Introductories" are still extant within the lifetime of my versions of Master Chief and Company. In chapters "not really happening yet," I've shown my version of "the Covenant" grabbing power over much of the universe, including my version of Planet Reach.

Unlike the game, I imagine that some aliens are friendly to humanity, and even participate in my version of the "United Nations Space Command." Notable among these is a rodentine sapient race called the Efrachiktu. There are also the near-human Plethmors, and lumpish Bonkalubs who signed on to stay out from under the yoke of "the Congregation." Even a few of the long-necked, intellectual Sankasselum came over to the United Civilizations side.

The scientist who designed super-soldiers is here called Carolyn Fallacy, and her method of producing "Crackshots" is not so callous and cruel as Doctor Halsey's approach with Spartans in the game.

The Halo Rings in the game are an unconcealed copy of Larry Niven's "Ringworld" novels. I depart from both Mr. Niven and 343 Games, by saying that "Heyho Rings" DON'T have a livable environment on the concave EXTERIOR. But the interior of each Heyho is livable. I imagine that, not very long before "everybody becomes real," my version of John-117 first becomes emotionally close with my version of Cortana when they explore one of the Heyho Rings. Oh, and I reject the idea of Halo Rings killing ALL LIFE in the galaxy. That was where the original Doctor Who series first went wrong: when the writers decided that no menace could be taken seriously unless it was going to destroy at LEAST one entire inhabited world. Crackshot Roger-39 (human) started senior to Johnny-747, is envious of Johnny's advancement in rank, and dislikes Cortexa. He would have left Cortexa to be deleted inside the Heyho Ring they entered.

Though I'm too lazy to chart out in exact detail how it works, the evil characters Tyrone Glass Neilsen and Wicked Witch Ickylinn have been loitering someplace just outside of the new Heyho sub-reality. They believe themselves to be controlling the plotline, with a motive identical to that of Hopecrusher Central: creating misery for the sake of misery. Tyrone did get "inside" long enough to offer encouragement to Highmaster Starterus (a Juggernasty) of the Congregation; but the evil couple soon switched allegiance to a new, "properly atheistic" force.

Jacob Mossyhutch, Raquel Delgado-Mossyhutch, Snack Salad, Noherra Synthmusica-Salad, near-human tough-chick Karbeena Owtfeeld, and non-human female Jedi-equivalents Lodatrid and Zubdookree, are the first good-aligned outsiders to become part of "Heyho" action, after the "Heyhoverse" becomes real. (The characters of Snack and Karbeena are derived from "Babylon Five" characters.) Not long after landing on my version of Reach, the non-Fuss-using members of this outsider band become witnesses to my version of The Banished rapidly seizing power.

We now affirm that the God-hating Tyrone Glass Neilsen WAS allowed to INVENT one character: the Sankasselum Julep'Drinka. He planned the guy as a total cynic, with retroactive inclusion in the pre-reality narrative, and Ickylinn gave him flesh. This is just what fits the scenario for my version of The Banished. "The Varnished" (they're the atheists whom Tyrone finds more congenial) are led by a Juggernasty male named Apishbox, who wants all Congregation members to join him instead of making peace with the United Civilizations. Apishbox begins meddling at a time when Congregation personnel on Planet Stretch are forted up in two large areas. These areas have underground passages to connect them. Not seeing much of a future for the religious villains, Julep'Drinka throws in with The Varnished around this time.

Meanwhile, Zubdookree and Lodratrid, the two nonhuman Jedi-equivalents, are still on Planet Bigspoke, which controls one Heyho Ring allowing fast travel. They have been providing facts about the larger multiverse to Captain Veronica Blythe. You may take it as a given that this intel officer finds it hard to grasp how there could be many versions of Earth, most of them a lot less advanced in science than her own Earth. Kahag-Tahook, a rare Sankasselum on the human side, is on Bigspoke as well, providing his interpretation of how descriptions of "Babylon Five"-based science compare with what is familiar to him.

At the time Congregation Highmaster Starterus is considering negotiations, Crackshot Warrant Officer Sinchoodi-939 is on Stretch with a reinforced squad, including a male Efrachiktu named Quistolo (a comms tech, as many of these squirrel-shaped sapients are). Human David-302 is her medic. Rhonda Pilsner, a civilian surgeon, volunteered to assist the Crackshots. David has provided her with many vital facts of alien anatomy. Another noteworthy squad member is Shovorzi-802, a near-human female Plethmor, who favors flamethrowers as a means of retribution against the Juggernasties and Skankbellies, both of whom tend to be sadistic and horrible no matter which evil association they belong to.

Sinchoodi's detachment has communication with Jacob Mossyhutch and his lot, but the latter are not under the former's direct orders.
 
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PUTTING TOGETHER ACTUAL NARRATION: The following action closely overlaps Posts #1,557 and 1,558, since we finally have completed all of the "pre-real-existence" action. Even Johnny and Cortexa now FINALLY really exist, though not currently onstage.

Prophet Julep'Drinka had advocated the treacherous attack on the truce party, which Apishbox then ordered. These delegates were a mated pair of Juggernasties, a mated pair of Skankbellies, and a bunch of Mipstipters. Those last looked like half-sized Star Wars Kaminoans, only with wings. Mipstipters were fragile enough that in action they tended either to die or to escape unhurt.

The atmospheric fighters dispatched by Apishbox killed some of the Mipstipters instantly, and wounded each of the larger four Congregation members. But Jacob Mossyhutch destroyed all the fighters with his absurd Pindowny-built gravity-gun. Rhonda Pilsner and the Crackshot medic treated the wounds of the four massive bipeds. Zafnast, the male Skankbelly, and Mulkaspi, the Juggernasty female, did all the speaking for their side from there. Playing it honest with the good guys, Zafnast gave a token of good faith by revealing where the tunnels connecting the two Congregation enclaves were located. This was relayed to good guys all over Planet Stretch.

Encouraged to hope that a direct meeting with Highmaster Starterus would ensue, after Mulkaspi cleared this by radio, everyone in the good-guys party who has been individually named, except Quistolo the long-range radio operator, Dr. Pilsner, David-302 the medic, and Shovorzi-802, started toward the proposed location for a parley in depth. (Yes, when people have serial numbers, there CAN be chance resemblance of numbers.) Shovorzi with her flamethrower was a potent protector for the casualties and the noncombatants; but she was also being left behind lest she get an overeager trigger finger when Starterus came into view.

Karbeena Owtfeeld, one of the two persons native to Bubblewrap Coalition space, would not ruin things by any rash impulses, but she did hope that SOME kind of action would eventually alleviate her boredom. During a lull in activity, she found an opportunity to speak with Sinchoodi about getting a set of Crackshot-style powered armor, preferably the cutting-edge Muledeer design..

The warrant officer, older than the near-human tough-chick, asked, "Doesn't your own civilization furnish the same? By all accounts, your starships are ahead of ours; have you advanced beyond any need EVER to shoot it out with living foes in line of sight?"

Karbeena avoided Sinchoodi's gaze. "My career until recently was, ah, more in the nature of, call it stealthy reconnaissance. But in this region, I clearly might get caught in the middle of a high-intensity shootout."

Sinchoodi, who knew nothing about Karbeena having been a thief, told her, "What Crackshots, or indeed our army and marines generally, wear in combat, requires many weeks to learn to use. But for the near term, I can requisition a suit of unpowered body armor like what Doctor Pilsner and your comrade Jacob Mossyhutch were given."

When Highmaster Starterus showed himself, the acting planetary governor for the humans resettling Stretch flew in with armed guards to take part in the meeting. Yvette Nidlovu, unfortunately, was an effete soy-latte-with-tofu-nuggets kind of bureaucrat, who did not impress the Juggernasty leader at all. Yvette could not understand, nor did she possess translation software for, any tongue known to Starterus; but Sinchoodi had a male-persona A/I with her calling himself Buffalo Brad, and he was able to interpret between the wimp and the Juggernasty chieftain. Be it noted that, for the alien's second utterance in their exchange, Buffalo Brad figured out that Starterus was referring to letters in his people's alphabet-- as if a human spoke of "Point A and Point B."

STARTERUS: Are you some kind of social-protocol director? If we arrive at a cooperative accommodation, I suppose you could arrange for feasts where everyone can digest what's placed before them; but shouldn't we first be negotiating to REACH that accommodation?

YVETTE: I'm an organizer and a facilitator. Anyone who can lift a weapon, can shoot and kill others whom they hate for being different; but I have the talent to put everyone in touch with their feelings. What are your feelings today?

STARTERUS: Well, since you ask. Gredz, I feel that the Congregation would have crushed the rest of you ugly midgets in less than one more of my native planet's years, if the accursed Varnished hadn't divided our side against itself. Liorb, weak though you monkey-things are, I still respect you far more than I ever will respect that (unprintable crudeness) Apishbox. D'meff, if my people and yours can unite to destroy the Varnished, I feel as if the universe is big enough to contain both of our societies. And Hoolk, having met the two rogue humans calling themselves Tyrone and Ickylinn, and heard a little about the places they came from, I now feel that the universe is EVEN larger than I ever imagined.

YVETTE: I can't dispute that. The race which Zubdookree comes from is as different from your species or mine as our kinds are different from each other. And she and Lodratrid Guft possess built-in talents which don't occur organically in any humans I know, nor among you Juggernasties or even the Sankasselum. How many more surprises wait to be revealed in our galaxy or other ones?

STARTERUS: Hundreds of surprises, no doubt. So yes, cooperation between us improves the survival odds for both. Indeed, no treaty or pact is worth (naughty language) unless both parties gain something from it. Among things to be gained in our case: if it ever becomes possible, do you object to letting me be the one who eats Apishbox's heart raw?

YVETTE: I suppose not. I'm a vegan.
 
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The Bubblewrap Five security chief and one of his former constables were already openly present inside Heyho story-reality. So Master Drool, keeper of the Great Artifact on Upsydaisylon, felt free to visit Heyho Earth. after an extensive scout-around. The Mintcandybarri sage manifested himself holographically in the Melbourne, Australia of this Earth-variant. Jackman Hughes, President of the United Civilizations, knew the names of Zubdookree, Lodratrid, Jacob, Raquel, Snack, Noherra and Karbeena, and had some idea of what the Bubblewrap Coalition was, but had not heard of Master Drool until Drool contacted him.

The galactic chief executive, his family, his personal guards, and several other people, became the first residents of this Earth-variant to learn THAT THERE WERE other versions of Earth. "You all are valid, all equally real, and all existing in the same physical universe. Humans among the visitors you've already heard about represent two other Earths: one behind your world in science, the other slightly ahead of you. But the details can wait.

"I can tell you that your tide of advantage against the Congregation is not as conclusive as you think."

"How can that be so?" President Hughes demanded. "They're suffering defeats in their new rivalry against The Varnished. They've lost their control of Planet Stretch--"

"Sir, your component of the Never-Stopping Story is complicated. I know that as far back as your first clashes with the Introductories, your interstellar commonwealth has experienced EVEN MORE sudden changes of circumstance than either Coalition Earth or Ringjonn Earth has seen. Despite all favorable events, there still exists a horrendous alien armada, and it's going to intrude on THIS star system in less than two weeks." Drool hastened to offer good news. "Fortunately, I can provide you with something which can be ready inside of ONE week, and which will greatly improve your warships' life expectancy against Congregation ships."

(( (( (( (( (( ((

Bringing this narrative thread to fruition will take ten days as the characters experience time. So I'll rejoin Master Champ and Cortexa, whose adventure on Cropland was resolved acceptably. Rest assured that things will turn out equally well for Jacob Mossyhutch, Warrant Officer Sinchoodi, and other good guys on Stretch.
 
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Scene changes to a star system located on the far side of Heyho Earth from anything we've looked at heretofore. This is to say, farther away from all the familiar sub-realities than any other episodes set in the Milky Way galaxy were. Johnny-747, Cortexa, First Sergeant Avery Thompson, and twenty rank-and-file Galactic Marines were flown to Planet Dustoff after the success of the Hinterland operation.

A party of agricultural scientists, believing this sector to be safe after the human victory over the Gravyboatmind on Hinterland, had traveled to Dustoff without armed escort. There they were welcomed by paleontologists who had just uncovered way-ancient archives left by the Preliminaries. Deciphering the records had indicated that something lost or discarded by the Preliminaries was a huge boost for food production in usually- barren landscapes. But within days after the later scientists joined up with the earlier ones, all of them had dropped out of subspace communication.

Such technology, albeit usable only if you WEREN'T getting plasma-cooked by alien enemies, was worth digging up. Those who had sought it, if still alive, also deserved to be recovered. Cortexa reported no radio traffic anywhere in the scannable portion of Dustoff; but in view of alien relics probably being present someplace, she kept herself linked with all sensors possessed by the search party. "There might be something organic to discover," she told Avery Thompson; "or there may be some electro- mechanical apparatus which ACTS UPON organic substances."

"So nobody let your skin come in contact with anything unfamiliar," Johnny-747 added, "in case it might be programmed to process YOUR flesh into something that extinct aliens would have been able to digest."

As they marched, three of the Marines under Avery's direct command guarded the party's left flank, while three of Master Champ's Marines covered the right. Native animals came into view here and there, but showed no interest in the humans. On the general channel, Johnny remarked, "They don't seem to have any feelings toward us: not fear, not hunger, not territorial anger, zilch."

"If they can smell us," replied Avery, "we probably don't smell appetizing. From their end, we might not even seem like anything alive."

At one point, on a flat prairie, Cortexa asked Master Champ to use his jump-jet harness to shoot straight up: one thing the artificial intelligence couldn't do on her own. This enabled her, using his armor's electronic suite, to search for signal emissions. She detected some.

"Tell the others, Johnny dear. It's an automated, encrypted warning. The researchers were about to be either slain or taken prisoners. One of them, from whichever group, saw to it that anyone like us, arriving on Dustoff, wouldn't be ambushed like insects caught by hidden arachnids."

Master Champ related Cortexa's finding to the others. The basic search turned into a probe against assumed hostiles from an unidentified species. Once within a kilometer of a location where the missing scientists were known to have done some of their work, Master Champ called a man in his half of the team, the next-ranking Marine after Avery Thompson, a Sergeant Terence Forsythe. "Forsythe, you are now in command of my squad until further notice. Your squad and the First Sergeant's squad will swing left, no less than two kilometers. Let the First Sergeant's squad be the one farther outward. Advance obliquely toward the site of interest."

With Cortexa plugged into his brain, Johnny-747 used his armor's booster jets to cross the next three miles. The final outcome of the search was disappointing for all the searchers; only scattered pieces of human equipment --not any human remains-- were discovered.
 
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The culprits in the gradually-unfolding investigation consisted of two oxygen-breathing races, one of them entirely new to our story. The familiar beings were some of the Bigfoot-like Juggernasties: the same species to which Highmaster Starterus belonged. The others, as long and high as an earthly cow, were called Zidmorigs. Their shape was roughly suggestive of spiders, but they were vertebrates with bony endoskeletons. (And their mouths opened up and down, rather than sideways.) Each Zidmorig had ten limbs; the clawed feet could handle objects, and a Zidmorig at any time could switch any two or three extremities from walking duty to manipulation duty.

Like the almost-shapeless Shmeehobbers in my sub-reality based on "Blake's Seven," Zidmorigs had many eyes-- attached to their knees and shoulders-- and could prioritize at will which eye's visual pickup the brain would pay the most attention to. Of any sapient beings in the Heyhoverse, the Zidmorigs were the race whose world of origin was located nearest to the present scene of story-action.

In the scene we now open, the highest-ranking Juggernasty was a female named Gutchpisho. The highest-ranking Zidmorig was a male named Swibsep. At a campsite over fifty miles away from the United Civilizations personnel, these two leaders were taking refreshment.

"I thank the universe," the Juggernasty rumbled, "that we accepted your people's offer of alliance. Your specialties will make us more versatile, more adaptable. I used to tell my mate, before I shot him in the back, that we need options BESIDES incinerating the humans, their hangers-on, and the unimaginative slugs of the Congregation and the Varnished. Just because we decided to call ourselves 'The Friendless,' this doesn't mean we should LITERALLY refuse to accept allies."

Swibsep did his equivalent of a nod. "Our synergy will dissolve those other, inferior predators. Would you like some more Puree of Blended Human Researcher?"

(( (( (( (( (( ((

Johnny-747 had been provided with a small organic-chemical analyzer. Digging a shallow hole at the center of the area where belongings of the researchers had been abandoned, he let Cortexa download herself into the device as he placed it in the hole. Several of the Marines gathered around to watch. Four minutes later, Cortexa's image stood on the palm of Johnny's left gauntlet.

"I've never analyzed anything quite like this, not even in our efforts against The Splash. I can't say how anyone did this, but-- some of the soil here seems to have CHANGED INTO HUMAN TISSUE."
 
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Next segment begins on human-settled Planet Powurkord, which is not officially part of the Republic of Lots of Worlds, but has regular cultural and commercial ties with the Republic. Powurkord is governed by the Heptagorta, whose members are elected (never all seven at once) by popular ballot, and cannot have consecutive terms. No fewer than a thousand Banjolorians have settled on Powurkord, and they contribute substantially to society.

Maybe five months ago, Powurkord was nearly conquered by Quark Lord Maltibalkrix. The Spacer Swimmers assisted in defeating the Quark-Elves' invasion. The valiant Republic soldier Vin Gasleen was among the heroes who died in that war. Also in on the action was Jared the Black Giraffe, a superhero native to "Non-Communist Anime Earth," which is the Earth-variant protected by the Spacer Swimmers. Jared's wife, who also took part in the defense of Powurkord, is Heart Sapphire Joza-Varu-Paf, the one whose long neck makes it best for Jared to extend his own neck when they make love. She lately bore Jared's son Rodney, whose gestation she could accelerate without harm to him.

Concurrently with early steps in the Quark-Elf invasion, life on Powurkord had been disrupted without bloodshed: first by a spreading video-game addiction, then by several dimwitted boys becoming "Cosmic Fact Checkers." The local Banjolorians, including a veteran warrior named Dortabesk who was a friend of Dim Jargon, had done plenty to hold society together before outside help came, and had fought against the Quark-Orcs when those were detected.

We now pick up our narrative with Poormee Armadillo-Spacewalker, the widow of an Anakin-variant who had NEVER turned bad, arriving on a goodwill visit to Powurkord, accompanied by her children Duke and Dana, by their domestic robot Zoom-22, and by a green Toofah-Roffian. Bestbaya, great-niece of Master Yoga-Rug, came with Queen-Emeritus Poormee, both to keep the Spacewalker family safe and to perform a distinct errand of her own.

Aerospace-traffic official Tulsi Blash welcomed the visitors at the chief spaceport. "Welcome, Your Highness! I understand that you intend to observe recovery efforts in every location which was damaged by the forces of Maltibalkrix?"

"That, and more. The supreme clairvoyance of Master Yoga-Rug led him to inform his niece that one of Powurkord's outside defenders, who has not yet left for home, actually has The Fuss with him, yet doesn't realize it."

Bestbaya took it from there. "It is a human male from Non-Communist- Anime-Earth. Bagavish Ogoshi was born in that Earth-variant's version of India, and his favorite weapon is the straight- bladed, double-edged, blunt-tipped cutting sword of his homeland. The traditional moves with that weapon are already very much like lightsaber combat. Master Ogoshi might not need a Fuss ring, but my uncle is sending him one, because it might help him to focus his thoughts when he commences actively employing The Fuss."

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Thousands of miles from the spaceport where Poormee had landed, an industrial family was boarding the East-Indian swordsman as an honored guest. This family had suffered serious economic losses, due to the epidemic of theft which had been encouraged by the now-deceased Drigum Namdre. Since Bagavish Ogoshi had played a part in stopping the still-worse calamity of Quark-Elf aggression, the Shemliska family was glad to extend hospitality to Bagavish when they learned he was staying on Powurkord.

Before getting any intimation that he had become a Jedi-equivalent, Bagavish had begun offering free swordfighting lessons to neighborhood adults and teens. This brought news-media attention to Tagwesh and Joruni Shemliska, thus boosting the recovery of their family business.

Mere minutes before Bestbaya came to see him, Bagavish was conducting a class with training swords made from the local counterpart of bamboo. He had been joined by his first non-human student, an amphibious Glugfin. Pree-Pree Jodd, a teenage girl of her Kantpoolian species, was the one who had discovered a Harmonicron at the site of an up-sider shrine. This artifact had ended up helping to re-humanize people who had been transformed into Quark-Orcs against their will.

"Swordfighting is not only about your sword; it is also about every advantage or weakness unique to yourself. If dueling a humanoid who is unfamiliar with your species, it's possible that he would be startled by a snap of your head waving your ear-gills in front of his eyes."

The lesson was interrupted by Tagwesh and Joruni, announcing Bestbaya. "No need for Pree-Pree to leave," said the Toofah-Roffian. "This is no secret, but I promise it will be remarkable. Banjolorian weaponsmiths have just forged a sword of your familiar type, but made of Naskar. It is a gift for you, in honor of your awakening to the up-side of The Fuss."

The Hindu hero's eyes widened slightly. "The same alloy as the spear carried by Dim Jargon's wife?"

"The same. A weapon able to parry a lightsaber and remain intact. It is appropriate for your use now, because you will be more likely now to run afoul of DOWN-siders. Here, also, is your personal Fuss ring. The power-blade it generates has no appreciable weight, but can become your left-hand weapon against down-siders."

=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=
 
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HEADLESS LIZZIE, agent of Hopecrusher Central, the grotesque humanoid whose upper lip was almost IN her nostrils, had earlier tried to increase extreme feminism on Kantpoo. (Kantpoo always having queens and never kings had not been good enough to satisfy her.) This had not worked well for her. Later, she tried her male-bashing on Mediumgard Earth, but was expelled by King Garryowen of Hallpasscard.

Wherever she went, the ugly she-troll was dismayed by finding that numerous WOMEN, even female warriors, refused to join her in hating men. So she returned to Evilness Headquarters, to confer with another man-hating demigoddess, a younger, much nicer-looking dark-skinned human called The Jackalbyte.

In the midst of a welcoming embrace, Jackalbyte asked her elder-in-malice: "Would it irritate you if I suggest a less directly aggressive approach to pulling Father God down off of His throne?"

"Nothing to lose by trying," Lizzie muttered into her junior's left ear. "Suggest away."

"Instead of openly vilifying masculinity, we could undermine the gender-integrated Up-Side Fellowship. Although many of them are celibate, NONE of them tolerate, let alone practice, blind hatred between the sexes. I know of four marriages in which both spouses are Fuss users: Moose and Melodica Windchime, Slick and Krayzee Mudpackis, Only-One and Massage Kanoli, and Quinine and Samladel Sauce. Without exception, all eight of these Fuss users love, respect and look out for their partners."

Lizzie squeezed Jackalbyte hard, already imagining possibilities. "Do you have a plan to break them up?"

"Here, sweet Lizzie, is where the 'less directly aggressive' part comes in. Rather than tear down marriage at this stage, we will attack UP-SIDERS AS SUCH, not hating the males any more than we hate the females."

"I think I see where you're leading. Make the whole Up-Side Fellowship unpopular now, not singling out the fragile egos of man-babies; destroy a source of noble virtue that makes a society healthy; and return to hating men later."

"You got it, Lizzie! We'll invest some time in advertising the Cosmic Ball of Yarn INSTEAD OF the Fuss. When the clueless masses lose respect for up-siders, THEN we can once more be open about slandering every male who DOESN'T meekly obey women."

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Many days later, the non-human, tusk-faced male up-sider Plow Korn was watching and commenting as Bagavish Ogoshi practiced wielding two sword-variants at once. Besides Master Korn, Bestbaya, the extended Shemliska family and Bagavish's trainees, many other ordinary citizens were on hand, as were the Nabiryes. Joza-Varu-Paf Nabirye, appreciating Mrs. Sheliska's compliments on the long-necked baby Rodney, told the regular-human lady, remarked: "He can detect the presence of strong electromagnetic energy within a twenty-meter radius, though he doesn't know WHAT he is detecting. There, watch his hands now."

The infant, whose skin pigment was halfway between yellow and light brown, babbled cheerfully while pointing an index finger toward the laseroid energy-blade which extended from the Hindu hero's left hand. His Ugandan father, however, could sense emissions much farther off than Rodney could.

"Joza! Master Korn! Possible danger coming, from that way!"

Joza, Plow Korn, Bestbaya and Bagavish all turned their attention in the direction which Black Giraffe indicated. An attractive young woman, her skin the same color as Jared's skin, wearing a modest but exotic- looking costume, was flying toward them, calling out in a loud, harsh voice:

"The power of I! The power of myself! The power of me!!!!!" Jackalbyte had time to utter this chant four times before her feet touched the ground. Then she screeched, "The Ball of Yarn rules all reality!"

Plow Korn's facial expressions were difficult for humans to interpret, but the Toofah-Roffian saw that Plow's features bespoke recognition. "Nonsmoka Tiptoe crossed paths with her years ago," said the tusk-faced veteran hero. "She's one of a crowd of space witches, who not only hate all males, but also hate anyone of either sex who promotes truth, logic, and moral principles which are binding on everyone."

"Shut up!" yelled the Jackalbyte. "You're just envious of my superior power! The power of I! The power of myself! The--" She got no further, before Plow Korn telekinetically forced her mouth closed.

Breathing through her nostrils, the space witch drew a dagger and rushed at the up-side master. In an alarming surprise, his Fuss push, intended to keep her away from him, was only partly successful. She still struggled toward Plow Korn, as if trudging uphill with a strong wind against her. "She does have some power," said Joza-Varu-Paf, generating an energy barrier in the misandrist fanatic's path. Adding this resistance halted Jackalbyte's onslaught, whereupon she cried like a three-year-old.

"Oppression! Bigotry! Patriarchy! That's not FAIR!"

Black Giraffe and Bagavish Ogoshi advanced to seize the witch. Bagavish took away her dagger, but was taken off guard by a hard kick. Retrieving her blade, Jackalbyte threw it not at Plow Korn, but at Bestbaya. "Traitor to all sisterhood!" Yoga-Rug's great-niece warded off the weapon, but had to exert some effort to do so.

The next instant, Jared was upon her-- and fractured her knife-arm so badly that it would need either supernormal healing or elaborate surgery to repair it. She began to levitate herself away, but Jared grabbed one of her ankles and slammed her back down to the ground.

"If you're so mighty," the Black Giraffe growled, "then find the strength to speak truth! Why did you attack us?"

"Because the power of I! The power of my--" That was the last bit of talking Jackalbyte would do, until she woke up fifteen minutes later from being hit in the head by a hero who had run out of patience.
 
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Local authorities, with the up-siders still overseeing, placed Jackalbyte in a maximum- security prison. The prison's design was borrowed from the Spacebullion design which had once kept Dark Headgear confined before he turned good. Less than a day later, characters whom we haven't seen lately showed up again. These were an inter-species couple from the Bubblewrap Coalition: human spacer Woodrow Ackerman, and his born-to-money Braykpedduli wife Yessa.

To remind the readers: Woodrow had saved Yessa's life in a spacecraft disaster, himself suffering near-fatal injuries. Woodrow's human fiancee had selfishly left him while he was hospitalized, but Yessa's gratitude gave birth to a love surpassing anything the disloyal fiancee had ever practiced. When Woodrow heartily reciprocated her love, Yessa's parents had financed a new armed merchant ship as a wedding gift. Over the following years, the Queen Yessa had rendered logistical support to various activities by good guys.

At some stage, Yessa had obtained the medical assistance needed for her to give birth to a healthy, viable half-human child. I can't recall which sex I wanted the baby to be, but that's all right for now, since I can say that the now- preschooler is currently in Coalition space, being well cared for by doting Braykpedduli grandparents. This leaves me free to depict Woodrow and Yessa visiting the Fuss users on Powurkord.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

The Queen Yessa landed on the island of Kremdilkrem, whose once-efficient mining industry had been turned upside down by Maltibalkrix and his Quark-beings. A lady named Tebzaldu, one of the newly- empowered Heart Sapphires, had helped to ruin things. Woodrow obtained an appointment with Filibreck Vrosheb, the acting commissioner of the island's gradually recovering mineral -extraction industry.

"Mister Vrosheb, did you study the prospectus composed by my in-laws?"

"Yes; and I confess that I have worried about Kremdilkrem's motherlodes. They are sure to be exhausted before my children have children. Then we'll have to resort to reclamation. In theory, it can be done; but vocational schooling took a BIG setback from that (naughty language) craze for virtual-reality games."

Woodrow nodded. "Well, off-planet mining can buy plenty of time for you. Once terms are settled for us to buy the rights to extract minerals from the asteroids in your star system, you can use the fees we pay to finance an expansion of your trade schools. You can also use your existing refineries to process our take from the asteroids, and in lieu of paying cash back to us, you'll simply KEEP two-fifths of the refined metals for your own resale or direct use."

"I understand that nearly all of your asteroid miners are from the same race you married into."

"No mystery involved there. My wife's people can work in total darkness, because their eyes can see infrared light. I promise you, Mister Vrosheb, this will be a win-win."

Now that I've shown you some of how life goes on for Powurkordean civilians, we can get back to deflating self-adoring space-witches and Hopecrushers.
 
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Black Giraffe, Joza-Varu-Paf, and the other good-aligned folks who were keeping Jackalbyte imprisoned, knew that they could restrain her, even kill her if it were necessary. But they didn't take her lightly; they needed to understand better WHAT she was, and why she hated everyone good-aligned or male.

Bestbaya psychically hailed her Uncle Yoga-Rug. Hearing that the captured villainess had explicitly magical powers, Yoga-Rug told her, "Hang on. I'll find somebody magical who doesn't have any unfinished story-arc hanging in the air."

The first hero Yoga-Rug tried was Lodge Flake, alias Captain Rightawrong. Rightawrong, however, happened to be in one of his intervals when he had to stay non-super awhile before he could be invincible again. Next, Yoga-Rug spoke with Mazash, the wizard mentor of Terra's Captain Sha-Na-Na. Mazash advised Yoga-Rug that Zoorama Slippage, the good witch who had recently helped in the defense of Zazdub World against Duke Terror, was available. Presently Mazash teleported the Seedubb- native heroine to Powurkord; her scientist husband Kirk would take care of their offspring (again, I haven't got all the child identities figured out).

Bestbaya briefed Zoorama about the beautiful-but-malicious Jackalbyte. Coming to the building where Bagavish Ogoshi was currently watching Jackalbyte, Zoorama cast some relevant spells, causing a pseudo-hologram of the would-be slayer to appear-- which, as Bagavish could verify, put the actual Jackalbyte in a peaceful slumber.

Zoorama began the interrogation with an appropriate question: "Who and what exactly are you? My spells coerce you to speak truth, even helping you yourself to understand the facts better."

"I'm a genetic woman, born on a world which, like this one, is located just a few light-years outside the Republic of Lots of Worlds. My sorceress mother obtained genetic material to produce me, then pretended that the Ball of Yarn had produced me supernaturally."

"Are there more magically-born girls like you?"

"Of course! The universe needs us, to defeat Fuss fanatics who preach intolerant morality, especially the males. The Ball of Yarn will promote love and equality and compassion and inclusion, because women and only women practice peace and enlightenment."

Zoorama frowned. "Have you heard of certain magical women called Ickylinn, Heckla, Lady Blast, Hipstera and the Queen of the Goshdarned?"

"No; but of course, the Ball of Yarn extends to countless worlds."

"Then let me tell you the essentials. All of those wizardesses believe supremely in the power of they, the power of themselves, and the power of them. And all of them repeatedly murdered innocent people of both sexes, because they simply liked killing people."

The mockery of her witchy slogan woke up the flesh-and-blood Jackalbyte, who presently leaned against the door of her cell. "You traitor to all goddesshood! You're saying that NO ONE BUT WOMEN EVER does any violence or evil! You're a Handmaiden! You're a Stepford Wife!"

"SILENCE!" yelled Zoorama. "You know that I never said all men were good, but YOU have claimed that all men are bad! You know that you have no truth on your side; but I demand to know why you imagine it's necessary to slander all men."

"Because liberation! Equity! Womanhood! Fluid personalities! Acceptance! Intuition! Reconciliation! Understanding! Choice! The Ball of Yarn binds together the elements of Mother Universe!"

The interrogation was halted by a noise from outside and overhead: "REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" Headless Lizzie was in the sky overhead, and her shriek disoriented the surprised good people in the vicinity. Joza-Varu-Paf recovered fast enough to form a confining globe of Heart Sapphire energy around the repulsive she-demon. This countermeasure swiftly restored the equilibrium of the other heroes. Lizzie's head exploded; the expansion of bloody vapor strained Joza's hold until the sphere vanished. But Plow Korn, Bestbaya and Bagavish had their concentration restored. Having heard previously that these cranial explosions did not injure Lizzie at all, the up-siders Fuss-yanked Lizzie down to the ground. Joza had the presence of mind to capture a sample of the brain-vapor.

When Lizzie's head reconstituted itself, a piece of her skull with scalp and hair was missing. This was the portion that Joza was keeping isolated.
 
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Lizzie glowered at Joza. "Give me back that piece of my head! You have no right to disfigure my divine beauty!"

While the nearby human males were vomiting, Lizzie's expression switched to the mood of a patient schoolteacher carefully guiding a stupid little boy. "Of course, the head is not what matters. THE HEART is where all wisdom is born."

Zoorama outdid Lizzie in looking superior. "I'm sure you don't care about this, but a man called Jeremiah, on Original Earth, wrote that THE HEART IS DECEITFUL. And every close variant of Earth possesses copies of the Book which preserves Jeremiah's warning."

Even an oblique reference to the Bible was distressing to Headless Lizzie. She resumed REEEEE-ing, louder than ever. Six minutes passed before she took a breath. In this moment of quiet, EVERYONE, good or evil, was startled to see a young black-haired woman, about as good-looking as Jackalbyte with lighter skin.

"Excuse me for intruding, everyone. My name is Antimerica Chutzpah. My magic powers were taken away more than a year ago, but the lawful-good wizard Mazash has temporarily restored them, precisely so that I could come here and set you straight. I was, if anything, MORE narcissistic than you and Jackalbyte are. I thank Actual God, NOT your 'Ball of Yarn,' that I was corrected. I now serve as a schoolteacher on a planet called Jinobrid, yet I have done more learning than teaching.

"I used to tell everyone that everything was about me; but by now I've learned that anyone wrapped up in herself is a pitifully small package."

"Sandwich maker! Apron wearer! Baby maker! You just want to indulge patriarchal cavemen!" This tirade was interrupted when Joza-Varu-Paf created a sound-blocking zone around Headless Lizzie. Joza then said to Zoorama, "I've heard that at least one Green Flashlight is now stationed on Jinobridon. Do you think we can borrow several more Flashlights to escort Miss Chutzpah, Jackalbyte and Lizzie to that world also? Miss Chutzpah's restored powers, given a booster charge by your own, should be able to keep these two harridans in line till other arrangements can be made."

"That should work," said Bestbaya. "Great-Uncle Yoga-Rug should soon be able to direct Captain Rightawrong to Jinobrid also. If I'm not mistaken, Rightawrong can permanently weaken the troublemakers' magic, so they can be forced to obey orders."

"I'm for that," Antimerica told the sorceress and the Toofah-Roffian. "If I could be transformed from the snobbish brat I was, these 'Ball of Yarn' idiots can surely also be converted."

In the end, no amount of REEEEEE-ing by Headless Lizzie and Jackalbyte would prevent them from being subjected to correction by an assortment of patient-but-persistent good guys.
 
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Next up, we return to Planet Freesoil, which contains inside it the hollow world of Bazookadar. A purple-skinned man (face and hands lighter in color) of the Dishwasheeri race, named Exmaknor, has joined the good guys active on Freesoil. He is the very first Fuss up-sider produced by his near-human race. Recall that the Dishwasheeri Sapphire Sister Nolarivu Pamizo-Stewmeat is married to Green Flashlight John Stewmeat on Jersey Earth. Exmaknor sees himself as making amends for all of the support which past generations of the Dishwasheeri had willingly given to Dark Fishbait and other down-siders.

The evil Wingdingers of Bazookadar have suffered major setbacks. Versaderma Redvest, the shape-shifting woman from Planet Latterdawn, had made a remarkable contribution to the war against the evil reptiles. By frequently changing her form while operating inside the hollow planet, she rapidly changed her brain's electrical characteristics-- which caused the telepathic monsters to suffer severe confusion when they tried to track her mentally. This more than once caused Wingdingers to fail to detect approaching human warriors whom they would otherwise have spotted. Versaderma's husband Bill, a recently-dubbed Green Flashlight, had benefited from this unique stealth resource. One other Green Flashlight was in Bazookadar: the large ant-shaped Tiptikditpip.

An additional bonus for the humans was the presence of my version of Edgar Rice Burroughs' character John Carter. Like John Carter, my "John Cardsharper" is completely immune to having his mind read. My version, however, has been working at opening his brain to people whom he WANTS to know what he's thinking.

Even before outside help came to the humans in Bazookadar, King Trampelfar and Queen Frazetta of Rugdamont Island had done well at keeping Wingdingers off of their island. The fact that Rugdamont was physically difficult for the evil reptiles to reach by air (and sea monsters made a surface approach hazardous) helped greatly. Also helpful was the fact that any Wingdinger who touched Trampelfar's mind would be devastated by the blazing force of Trampelfar's bitter hatred for all Wingdingers.

NOW TO PICK UP THE ACTION ON THE EXTERIOR SURFACE OF PLANET FREESOIL.

Boone Crockett, the senior planner for humans and their allies on the outside surface of the planet, was riding in a ground-effect vehicle driven by Private First Class Grady Adler, one of the Starship Grunts who had been sent here by the Stellar Assembly of the Human Federation to assist the colonists even before the nature of Bazookadar was known.

Adler was armed with a rifle-sized raygun, which had been manufactured on Planet Awkwardlisp. After that formerly-evil world had been cleansed by the superhero King Truthside, the new ruler (a man from Earth-Whichever) had begun sharing high technology with less-advanced worlds. The scientist Greensodd, formerly a servant of the downfallen Twerpseid, had trained the Movable Infantry in the use of directed-energy weapons. Boone carried two heavy-caliber bullet-pistols, very good quality for non-magnetic projectile weapons.

Also riding in the hovercar were Denzel and Lumlabbish Powder: a black-human man and a green Tryyurluck woman, Denzel had been one of the earliest setters on (the outside of) this planet, and had been present when Dark Headgear's gang redeemed themselves by helping the colonists against the Creepycrawlids. Both had been widowed in the past, and happier shared interests had led them to marry each other. All of Denzel's living relatives had been won over by Lumlabbish's open, sincere personality. If any observers ever doubted that this autumn-years marriage was for mutual genuine love, they would only need to observe how Denzel and Lumlabbish behaved when they weren't occupied with necessary work. The two spouses could scarcely be forced apart with crowbars, and the only words uttered at such times were endlessly-repeated and absolutely-sincere declarations of mutual adoration.

When they had been included in an adventure in the Second Galaxy's Cosmic Federation (involving Captain Rightawrong), the Powders had made it a sort of redundant honeymoon; and as a very sweet icing on the cake, they had been made organically younger before it was over.

Lumlabbish felt a stirring in her head-tails, and immediately spoke: "Private Adler! Something with greater mass than most birds is airborne, somewhere to the right." In reaction, Adler handed a set of high-grade binoculars to Boone, who scanned in the indicated direction.

"Some-ONE is flying, all right. Looks like a Heart Sapphire Sister." (The Freesoilers knew about the Sapphire Sisterhood.) "Her clothing includes a sort of epaulettes, of the same red as her hair."

A moment later, the alien woman (whose "epaulettes" actually were hair, it being natural to women of her race to have these shoulder-ponytails) used voice- projection to say to the road travelers: "Greetings! I am Sapphire Sister Tiba-bo-Tola. I was recently on Planet Greedy Crime, assisting with environmental cleansing there. I believe you travelers know about the worlds ruled-- or led, at least-- by Duke Stillneater Ashtrayides?"

"We do," Lumlabbish replied.

"Stillneater's aunt, known as Trala-Lalia of the Spoon, had a clairvoyant vision which convinced her that your colony would benefit greatly by having at least one Sapphire Sister travel here to join you. I volunteered. I promise NEVER to act superior and meddle with everything."
 
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Zoot Booter and Grammurnatziya were alternating control of the starship which had brought them and other followers of Dark Headgear gang to Freesoil for the first time. The Starship Grunts currently on-world, using Awkwardlispian subspace-radio apparatus, had made contact with the Justified League on Urth, and had persuaded super- telepath Charles Crazier to come to Freesoil. Professor Crazier had been advised that King Trampelfar, John Cardsharper, Earl Pufferton, Green Flashlight Tiptikditpip and Versaderma Redvest were managing to counteract outward- reaching psionic attacks by underground Wingdingers. But this was exhausting for the surface people, as more Wingdingers, learning of the severe defeat which one of their kingdoms had suffered, set aside their intertribal disputes.

If they could break out and conquer the outer world whose existence had only recently become known, well and good. They and their Slambangani foot soldiers would work out a division of newly-conquered external territory. But since the inner-world human island of Rugdamont had successfully preserved its autonomy, while gaining otherworldly scientific knowledge, there could be no retreating back to former conditions. The pterodactyloid kings already had a fragmentary understanding of energy-wielding heroes-- and realized that external humans now knew how callously Wingdingers had murdered Bazookadaran humans.

"Years" were meaningless to hollow-planet dwellers who experienced neither nightfall nor seasons, but they devised their own measurements of passing time. The next forty egg-incubations would either see fabulous victories for the Wingdingers, or an epic downfall.

" " " " " " " " " " " " "
The course taken by the former pirate ship brought Zoot and Grammurnatzia near Planet Senphatori sooner than to Urth. Opening voice communication with authorities planetside, Zoot learned that the humans of Senphatori had been informed by the Justified League of the reason why he and Grammurnatzia were bound for Urth. The Senphatorians told the two Freesoilers that a much larger starship was being made available for the return flight. It was a ship captured from Thuglyfe Skrawn's fleet around the time when Skrawn's aggression against Zazdub World was foiled. When Charles Crazier became aware that his expected visitors were in a position to use the Tachyon Loop for the last leg, he used his Secret Plotline-Advancing Machine to boost his telepathic reach. He didn't need to think of his phonetic name; his pure thought of his own identity would suffice.

"Colonist friends, I perceive that you were told about the substitute starcruiser. I will plant in your brains the necessary knowledge to operate it Besides carrying you and myself to Freesoil, it will carry two other men from the Justified League. One is a designed mutant, a speed-powered fellow named Exohern. The other is Schuyler Vinson, code-named Squire Vindictive; he was changed through terrible suffering."

"Professor," thought Grammurnatzia, "we'll take all the assistance we can get. Is there a reason why those two are particularly suited for our situation?"

"So there is. Exohern doesn't only RUN extra-fast, he LIVES extra-fast. For instance, he can read four or five books, with full comprehension, in less than half an hour. Your scaly foes will no more be able to read his mind than they could step aboard a moving bullet train. Yes, living faster means he'll die of old age sooner in absolute time, but his life doesn't seem so short TO HIM as we would expect. In addition, high-grade good-aligned magic- users have added another nine or ten years to his life expectancy. As if a regular person gained thirty more years. Squire Vindictive's protection against being mind-probed is essentially the same as what King Trampelfar possesses."

"My turn for a question," thought Zoot. "If Exohern's own perception of life is accelerated, HOW CAN HE TALK to other people?"

"An intelligent question, Mister Booter. To be understood by 'slow-living' people, he has to speak at a rate which seems ludicrously slow to him. He still sounds like high-pitched chatter to normies, but at least they can understand him."

There was also some telepathic discussion of how Exohern might be able to enjoy human love and maybe parenthood in his unique circumstances. Copperfox will not reproduce (no pun intended) this portion of the dialogue, because child-friendly forum.
 
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