Spacebullies Two: The Search For More Parody

Fin-Zin-Chin-Pin had been driven underground long ago, by superhuman heroes who resembled China's legendary "Water Margin" warriors. This history, like most history in the Heyho sub-reality, was only a simulation. What would become Deuce Wayans' home world began to have its own real existence around the time the Roman Empire split into western and eastern halves.

An evil spirit associated with Hopecrusher Central had hastened to assume the identity of the earth-dragon. It accepted an interim of hibernation, so it could at least have some fun before having to face the judgment of the Almighty. To its frustration, it had to wait quite a while. Cast in the role of an ancient evil planning eventually to devastate a secular, industrialized world, it was sustained by deep magma, dreaming of its eventual chance to play Godzilla with unprepared humans. Since millennia (well, virtual millennia) had passed with no super-duper menaces to this Earth-variant, the Never-Stopping Story required no metahuman heroes to save mankind in later generations. Thus, the Hopecrusher creature intended to have as much cruel fun as it could manage in such a target-rich environment, before any forces of good got around to intervening.

Scattered, rare visits to this Earth-variant by Green Flashlights had faintly unsettled Fin-Zin-Chin-Pin; but only since outside heroes had come to visit Bat-Earth by way of an upgraded Starhatch, had the demon grown halfway conscious. Maskoflage the reformed Face Twister, posing periodically as Street Bat, had been quite a nudge. The activity of Green Flashlight Fojadosh had added more disturbance. When it was conscious enough to resume planning, Fin-Zin-Chin-Pin aimed its thoughts at how the collectivist movement in America could weaken mankind's ability to fight back against a kaiju.

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Heinrich Austerlund, one of several chauffeur-guards employed in rotation by Street Bat's mother Beatrice Wayans, was on an unofficial errand, by the request of the new United States Secretary of the Interior. Ladora Greeley had dated Heinrich when she was a flirtatious political intern. Since then, Ladora had manipulated her way into a post in Parks and Recreation for Minnesota, then the governorship of that state. Recently completing her tenure over the Ten Thousand Lakes, she had gained entry to Mark S. Hegel's cabinet.

And to his private estates. But back to present time for the story.

Earthquake researchers in Utah had just lately presented the Department of the Interior with seismic readings that indicated a wave-like effect, seeming to originate under China, moving in an underground arc-- somewhat like an airliner following a "great circle" route when covering a vast distance. The phenomenon stayed clear of the Earth's molten core, and was expected to emerge in Utah or Nevada. Ladora cut short a speech about jet airplanes polluting the atmosphere, to hop aboard her private jet and fly to the area of interest. Heinrich, already nearer to the probable emergence location, was rounding up journalists and emergency-response personnel, so that Ladora could look good by seeming to be on top of any crisis.

The earthquake trackers, accompanied by Heinrich, discovered that the water level in many reservoirs was dropping. This occurred hours after an equally sudden level drop in the Great Salt Lake. "Whatever it is," the youngest woman among the geologists remarked to the chauffeur- bodyguard, "I think it's close to choosing its emergence point."

Heinrich's eyes widened. "Meaning it's a living creature?"

"The others doubt me on this, but I can't figure any way a non-living tectonic surge would move near the Earth's core without sinking in. What has happened requires it to move down, then up. Only a living creature can change course in ways which are independent of gravity, or changing consistency of the medium. I don't know if other inhabited worlds exist, but what we've been tracking could as easily be extraterrestrial as any other explanation."

Heinrich's beefy, thuggish exterior didn't make him a fool. "Secretary Greeley's about to have a great big mystery on her plate."

"I hope not also a gruesome horror story."
 
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Having returned from China, Deuce joined his two closest associates in their underground labyrinth near Gossamer City. Chang-Shi Kirby and Alvin Springbuck were clad in Bat-Earth's nearest equivalent of Spartan armor in the canonical Halo game, well supplied with a variety of equipment. All three men carried electronic tablets, which received intermittent reports from Deuce's brother Ben in Colorado. Friends of friends of friends were passing news to Ben about the Department of the Interior investigating something in the states west of Colorado. If Deuce's affluent upper-class mother knew anything in this connection, she wasn't telling.

Once they had reviewed all available updates on the subterranean investigation, Deuce flew them all at super-speed to Baton Rouge, where they could access a tunnel hidden under the Arkansas-Louisiana Life Avenue. "Alvin, you have some friends at a television station in town. Leave your armor here, go see your reporter friends, and find out if they're sitting on any hot scoops about the underground whatever-it-is."

Alvin learned nothing of importance. No more detours, then: Green-Street-Lantern-Bat, or whatever he might call himself now, flew them all to Utah. No more beating around the cactus. They didn't show themselves to any officials, but were able to intercept radio exchanges involving Interior Department and public- safety personnel. Alvin and Chang-Shi mainly handled this part, while Deuce used his version of ground-penetrating radar to distinguish natural rock layers from..... the legend of the elemental Fin-Zin-Chin-Pin.

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Ladora Greeley had long been accustomed to strutting and posing as a faithful apostle of Mother Earth. She smoothly evaded questions about her endorsement of using poisonous lithium and cobalt for the batteries of supposedly nature-friendly electric vehicles. It had never occurred to her that something like an earth elemental might take her more seriously.

The ground did not exactly shake. It moved like a conveyor belt constantly changing its mind about whether to slide toward the southwest or the northeast. And then..... the ground opened like a huge toad's mouth. Because your author doesn't want to present the sort of imaginary death toll that's common to Japanese monster movies, the upward-bursting movement caused Ladora and other people to fall away from, not into, the sudden crevice. But they screamed as loudly as if they were being killed. And out came a sight incongruous for the American West: the sort of pseudo-moustached monster common in classical Chinese art.

Fin-Zin-Chin-Pin exhaled a gigantic burst of white-hot flame, such as should have cooked people alive who were anyplace nearby; but no humans or animals in the affected area suffered more than the equivalent of a mild sunburn. Even vegetation was only partially scorched. But all of these non-player characters vaguely sensed that they ought not to press their luck. They even found the good sense not to run straight ahead of the monster, which of course would have kept them in its path. Instead, they peeled off, right and left, and got out of the way altogether.

The exception was Ladora Greeley, Secretary of the Interior. Fin-Zin-Chin-Pin dipped its head to rest on the ground close to her. With her long auburn-ish hair stirring in the wind, she drew nearer to the earth-dragon. "I sense an intersectional intersection," she told the monster. "You and I will direct the nurturing of nature." She saw that part of the top of the dragon's head formed a space between horns: a spot where she could sit and hang on, unlikely to fall off. The dragon's head rose, and then the whole dragon rose, carrying her in what she suddenly understood was a course toward an oil-field region.

Things fell into place for Ladora. Fin-Zin-Chin-Pin was going to destroy refineries which belonged to American energy companies. But it would spare similar installations belonging to U.C.C.R. interests-- which had illegally donated to Mark S. Hegel's presidential campaign, while claiming that Mark's opponent was the one really accepting foreign money.

Deuce Wayans' mother Beatrice had also donated to President Hegel's campaign; but the expectation of Wayans family assets being spared was no comfort to Street Bat; he realized that the narrative-softening good luck of people not being burned to death might not extend to Americans who were offstage. It was time for him and his assistants to do some flying themselves.

All three men were equipped with jet packs, which postponed a public revelation of Street Bat being also a Green Flashlight.
 
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I remind readers that "Yorkborough" is this Earth-variant's version of New York City, and was in the forefront of creating the Life Avenues. About two days before Fin-Zin-Chin-Pin surfaced, The Yorkborough Life Avenue was visited by Troy Lauderville, Mark Hegel's White House Chief of Staff. No city-level functionaries were told explicitly why Troy was here, but he made no secret of the fact that he was touring the two very large senior- citizen dormitories. In these relatively-tall structures, elderly persons were warehoused: being kept alive while the Department of Domestic Order surveyed the general population...... concerning whether citizens too old to work were deserving of indefinite sustenance.

"How are we feeling today, Missus Okpara?"

The eighty-something resident stared past Troy and mumbled, "Ibrahim, are the kids back from school yet?"

It's probably not logical to set one-size-fits-all cutoff ages for men and women, Troy thought, let alone a single cutoff age for both sexes. We won't put any of this in the media, until we see if young citizens consider old people a burden.

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Forward in time again: Fin-Zin-Chin-Pin, in its peculiar way of communicating, told Ladora that it was aware of a government official who "had the right attitude." Ladora gradually felt the elemental beast remembering bronze-age China. Humans in that place and time had been a much thinner population; Fin-Zin-Chin-Pin had not minded humanity existing, but had felt that it should be the one to decide how many humans should be running around. This had led to its (unsuccessful) clash with Bat-Earth's early superheroes.

The earth-dragon perceived an ally in Troy Lauderville. It and Ladora would be contacting him.

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As surely as the Chinese elemental monster sensed the D.D.O. bureaucrat on his errand in Yorkborough, so a ravishingly-gorgeous golden- blonde non-Earth human woman sensed the elemental monster entering the Nevada of Bat-Earth. Deezla Vozard was a Heart Sapphire Sister..... who had arguably done more damage than any other gem-bearer during the gigantic interference committed on Jersey Earth. Deezla's home planet had long been under the sway of population- control enthusiasts; and on the Earth of Trace Dickey and John Stewmeat, she had enacted what her college had taught her. Coming upon senior citizens in nursing homes, she had played God: painlessly terminating those who had sunk into senile dementia.

The unelected regime of Deezla's world (a world long influenced by Highfyver of New Laziness) had programmed her not even to consider lengthening the lives of such persons; not to consider curing their senility so they could enjoy more time with their loved ones before moving on to the afterlife. When she finally grasped what she had been doing, she had become as penitent and contrite a sinner as the universe had ever seen. Informing her that all of her victims were safe in His presence, the Almighty had forgiven her..... and had not needed even to hint to her what should come next.

Spending time in the Star Wars-derived sub-reality, notably on Planet Kummanokkin, Deezla had poured herself into extending life and relieving pain. Contact with Banjolorians had improved her appreciation of individual value.

Which made her specially sensitive to any collective consensus which violated the dignity of individuals.

And across hundreds of parsecs, Deezla knew that Fin-Zin-Chin-Pin and Mark S. Hegel must be thwarted.

 
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Diving-- merging --into the ground again, under western Nebraska, the earth-dragon again made Ladora immune to being pulverized or asphyxiated. It made the politician aware of tunnels in this region, and the tunnels carried an aura of, oh yuck, noble virtue and goodness. Ladora didn't know what Green Flashlights were, but Fin-Zin-Chin-Pin was feeling a trace of Green Flashlight Fojadosh Ludping, who had created this tunnel for Street Bat's use.

The ancient horror now did what amounted to saying: Do you possess means of recording visual images?

"Yes, my smart phone still has 81% charge remaining. But it's dark in here."

Not a problem. I can generate a nice and hellish red light for your picturing. Afterwards, I will transport you to wherever you believe you can find authority figures who are of like mind with you. Then you can inform them of this hidden passageway. They in turn can declare publicly that unruly, disobedient humans are trying to overthrow your society.

Ladora grinned in the darkness, then took her photos. "This will be enough to let us accuse anyone of mutiny whom we want to get rid of."

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Deezla Vozard was flying at least as fast as a Star Trek ship doing Warp Seven. As she went, she was mentally hailed by the elusive Master Yoga-Rug, native of Toofah-Roff, sometime hermit of Nagobah.

"Promising child, I perceive your situation. I can give you an extra resource for your mission. I have been a party to changing evildoers into good persons." Deezla felt sudden warmth. Yoga-Rug added: "You now have the power, one time, to purge out all wickedness from a person's mind and spirit. It isn't that easy on Original Earth, but it will work for you in this plot arc."

"Thank you, honored mentor of heroes!" Deezla was further emboldened for her mission, even though the readers would have to wait to find out who would get converted to goodness on Bat-Earth.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The pampered politician found it surprisingly natural to converse with a behemoth of darkness and chaos. Fin-Zin-Chin-Pin told her calmly about the ancient superheroes who had taught it that it wasn't omnipotent. And if it had anything in common with mortals, it was that it liked anyone who flattered it. Ladora had decided that the dragon was like an undecided voter in downtown Minneapolis.

"Don't be hard on yourself, Zip-Chip. You probably were blindsided; you didn't realize how hateful those ancient Nazis were."

[i[What is a Nazi? [/i]

"Anyone who disagrees with us."

When they discovered one of Deuce Wayans' multiple Bat Cave equivalents, the monster told her: There is a compartment over here. Human garments are stored in it, made to fit a muscular human male. Each outfit includes a long cape.
 
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ON THE FRINGE OF THE "DUNE"- DERIVED SUB-REALITY: >>>> Since we last saw the speedster Giles Magg on Planet Bakwudza, he and Sub-Chief Punchout's desert-warrior squad on Bakwudza had repelled a determined Wendigo assault on the town of Toehold. The Srirachian veteran Punchout was the only man in his contingent carrying a raygun, since tactical conditions within the Galactic Empire favored bullet-guns. But the Fremen-counterparts _had_ at least been able to put the predators off balance by numerous bullet impacts to their heads, enabling Punchout to choose his energy-weapon kill shots. (Glancing beam-hits had not been enough to kill them; direct hits were necessary.)

Councilwoman Sally Porter had urged the construction of simple flamethrowers to combat the Wendigoes. Only one flamethrower was completed before the monsters attacked, but that one slew five of the evil bipeds. Punchout's laser took out eight more of the people-eating beasts. All that time, Giles had kept on racing around the perimeter, knocking down every Wendigo that was close to claiming a defenseless victim (just as he had previously rescued colonist Henry Daikoza). When the dismayed surviving monsters fled, Giles had still not been able to kill one himself; but he had thwarted all of _their_ attempts to kill humans. Which was enough to cement his popularity in Toehold.

No humans died. Some were wounded; but no, they did not change into Wendigoes.

Before the murderous magical primates could work up the nerve to attempt a new onslaught, two friendly non-Jalapeno-dependent starships arrived. one was Groan Starr's own Selenium Falcon; accompanying Groaner were his wife Princess Vixen and his niece Gladiola Ashtrayides. The other, larger ship was the Resolute Hound, commanded by Ulysses Bardette, with a copilot named Zorvita; they brought along Captain Kracknuk of the Ashtrayides army, with a squad of Ashtrayides soldiers. Gladiola, via Penny Jezebel- type foresight, had let her uncle know that they needed to bring energy weapons.

Once on-planet, Gladiola exerted her clairvoyance further, naturally focusing on where the furry aggressors originated. After half an hour of trying, she told the following to her own companions, and to Sally, Giles, Kracknuk and Ulysses:

"Those monsters are called Wendigoes. They are sapient, they are in fact supernatural, and they are consciously wicked. They came into existence on an Earth-variant which has powerful protectors of its own. Those protectors are mighty enough that the Wendigoes were always forced to keep a low profile. When hyperspace travel to _this_ planet became possible for them, they grabbed the opportunity. A chance at victims who would be unprepared to deal with them. I, for one, will not grieve if they all get exterminated."

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After the ships had scouted and ascertained that the Wendigoes were far away, and after wounded person s had been treated, Gladiola exerted her Jalapeno power again. "There are people who have a self-serving interest in the Wendigoes."

" 'People,' meaning maybe the Hotblood Matrons?" asked Zorvita.

"Correct," replied Gladiola; and Giles added: "I was with heroes from one of the Earth-variants in an action against the Matrons. The ambition of those grossly selfish women has no restraint. But please continue, Gladiola."

Gladiola looked at the clone of her grandfather. "Some of them are on another Empire world, one called Vojodren. And you remember the discovery of Starhatches? One of those is on Vojodren; and another one is _here_ on Bakwudza. These Matrons didn't bring the Wendigoes from their Earth-variant, but they saw the monsters a useful weapon to conquer _this_ planet. The Hotbloods on Vojodren have allies, whose identities I haven't sensed yet."

Groan Starr, in his turn, tried reaching out with his Fuss intuition. "I'm not picking up as much as my niece did, but some _names_ have come to my mind. There's a Mentalcat named Piper Dizeeze. There are military-grade robots, called 'Ironhides.' Two of the Hotblood Matrons on Vojodren are named Narzississa and Robjendra; Narzississa is the elder of the two. Narzississa only recently decided to work with Mentalcat Dizeeze."
 
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The frontier planet Pointfar was on one edge of the former Calamari empire, but not close to Vojodren or Bakwudza. Around the time when Groan Starr and family joined Giles Magg on Bakwudza, two nieces of General Alec Hurdygurdy landed on Pointfar in the non-Jalapeno-dependent starship Careful Hand, about the same size as the Selenium Falcon but with much more armament. Valluree and Vallurah brought along a Chimpanzian who was known to Groan Starr: Hadrianus Tolpin, a transportation overseer for his people. Hadrianus was involved with Chimpanzian efforts to produce home-designed airplanes, and would avidly study atmospheric flying craft on any industrialized world he had the chance to visit.

Green Flashlight Sheckmarosh, a centauroid stallion from Planet Hoofmark who had facilitated scientific education for the closely-related Jinobridon people, was currently on Pointfar to help guard it against evil robots, assisted by a battalion of long-armed Ziblamot soldiers borrowed from the Second Galaxy. After an initial conversation with Hadrianus, Sheckmarosh said to the beautiful (by human standards) twins:

"The Janitors of the Universe, who observe the galaxies _very_ meticulously, have informed me that none of the ancient evil robots are in a position to menace Pointfar very soon. At the same time, some _different_ evil robots are threatening the zone of space where Groan Starr and Giles Magg are. If you can stay in this star system for a while, your addition to Pointfar's overall security will make me more free in conscience to go and assist Groaner and Giles. The danger _they_ face is more magical than anything likely to come against _this_ colony, so it's well for me to go to Groaner's aid for a while. Green Flashlight energy is marginally magical, thus able to combat the evil afflicting Bakwudza."

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Vixen Starr-Ashtrayides, as she was called when the point was to affirm her sworn union with her husband, was a superb markswoman with anything like a rifle. Groaner was not intimidated by her; his Fuss power could have both foretold any hostile intent from her side, and blocked her shots if she had for any reason tried to shoot him. But it did give him peace of mind about her safety when he had to be away from her.

The royal couple had befriended a teenage boy named Jebragoth, who was deeply familiar with the terrain in a 25-mile radius from Toehold. He guided the Starrs on an independent patrol. Being a smart kid, he said to Groan and Vixen before they set out: "I own a bullet-rifle sufficient to deal with most normal animals. I realize that it can't kill a Wendigo; but since _you_ can kill one, my having my rifle, _pretending_ that I don't realize its futility, may set the monsters up to be fatally surprised after I seem to be the one foolishly underestimating the danger."

In keeping with Jebragoth's idea of a setup, they advanced along the bottom of a long ravine, absolutely _inviting_ a Wendigo to spring upon them from above. As they went, Vixen played especially dumb, pretending not even to realize that it would be _possible_ for them to be killed.

Their simulated unreadiness evoked _genuine_ unreadiness in the _three_ Wendigoes perched on one high edge of the ravine.

When the creatures leaped, Jebragoth reflexively fired at the first one to jump, while Vixen reflexively fired her plasma carbine at the largest one. This largest Wendigo hit the ravine floor with its head cooked. The one the boy had shot was unhurt; but both it and the third monster were _stopped_ in midair by Fuss levitation, struggling vainly to escape what had snared them.

As has been said before, Fuss users could read minds like reading a text word-by-word; but they could perceive tendencies or moods in the minds of thinking beings. "They are not redeemable," said Groan Starr quite solemnly; "they have no conscience. Therefore--" Having learned that suffocation could kill them, he executed a Fuss choke which soon made them non-alive. Then he let them drop to the ground, once he, his wife and their guide were out from underneath.

No more than three minutes later, a clamor of roaring and screeching came to their ears. "They must have something like down-side powers," Vixen muttered tensely. "Some of them have _sensed_ that we killed these fuzzies."

"All right: now for a fighting retreat. Jebragoth, don't hesitate to tell me anything useful your hunting skill suggests. Vixen, be ready to shoot any new playmates. They might start hurling boulders; I can deflect those, but this might leave me not noticing ground-level movement."

The Wendigoes must have been smart enough to realize that their most dangerous single enemy on Bakwudza was here. They circled around each flank; more hurled rocks needed to be fended off; and the monsters got smart enough to show their heads for very short moments. Vixen's plasma weapon inflicted serious burns on six monsters, but none immediately fatal. One flying rock, part of a larger volley, got past Groaner's defense, and hit his right collarbone at half speed. He didn't collapse, but the others had to slow their own retreat to stay with him.

_Before_ the desperate-last-minute-needing-cavalry-to-arrive had come...... the cavalry arrived anyway. Almost literally cavalry, since Hoofmarkians had horse-like bodies. Fierce green beams thrust into the Wendigo ranks. Sheckmarosh had been briefed by the Janitors that these beings were beyond redemption, and he was allowed to kill them. Right when entering atmosphere, not waiting to call Sally Porter or Giles Magg, he pulverized every Wendigo he could see.

When the Starrs and their local guide were safe, Sheckmarosh landed and introduced himself. Groaner and Vixen already knew of the existence of Hoofmarkians, but had not known Sheckmarosh personally.

"Prince Groan Starr, let me form an energy-cast to immobilize your damaged shoulder. _Other_ foes, not magical but smarter than these brutes, might hyper-jump to this planet any time now."
 
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On an unremarkable Imperial planet named Fectalim, a dozen Hotblood Matrons had gathered for wicked purposes, with a regiment's worth of Imperial army veterans who had formerly served with Colonel Gruntygoon. The most senior Matron present was named Koridmi; she had been part of the assault on Planet Gumwad, which had been foiled largely by Seedubb heroes including Spiderweb-Man and Cyberdork.

"You will understand that the men and I have misgivings about accepting robots as co-belligerents," muttered Major Takamura Jamison. "We know the remote but still relevant history of evil robots trying to exterminate humanity. "What is to be _gained_ by lining up with a new generation of war-fighting robots?"

Koridmi nodded. "I understand, believe me. We Hotblood Matrons have our own history of staying alive in the face of the robot menace. >We< knew about them for generations before the Imperial court on Lousy Sekondhanstor even guessed that any evil robots remained active. But all of our clairvoyance testifies that Piper Dizeeze has eluded the pitfalls of artificial- intelligence design. _His_ robots will obey him. Not only are they _not_ free-willed, but each of them runs random diagnostics on others, to head off any deviation before it starts."

Takamura Jamison didn't look very reassured. "All right, the Mentalcat's robots won't mutiny against him. But what if he orders them to kill us?"

"He won't; he has no incentive to betray us. He hates the new constitutional system as much as you and I do. He wants to return to the days of privilege, domination and hereditary power. As for the Ironhides-- that's what the Mentalcat calls them-- there are no more than twenty of them, tops. And they are not programmed to build more of their kind. They're just a spearhead for the restoration of _humans_ reigning over lesser humans."

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Jalapeno -based mental powers did not extend to in-depth _conversations_ across interstellar distances
 
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