Spacebullies Two: The Search For More Parody

Lucy Luminous, now having her Flashlight fixture fully charged, undertook a trick to prevent any spies for Twerpseid from detecting her transit to Illinois. Using her power to phase out of material reality, she passed through the Earth's crust in four hours, then emerged in Whiskey Dallas' apartment, where she would lie low on the singer's couch till morning.

Meanwhile, in Stalingrad, a She-Hunk who had her hair back indulged in an actual DATE with Jimmy Strum. Not at the Workers of the World Club; with Irina Beriya still missing, visiting there would be too painful. They simply lunched at an Armenian restaurant, and both signed autographs for admirers-- especially persons whose lives Jasmine or Jimmy had recently saved. They signed by their hero-names. Then Jimmy went to meet with Soviet Air Force officers, to get updated on efforts to trace what had happened to Irina.

Of course, it was a well-duh that, if alive at all, Irina was surely a captive on the enemy planet; so perhaps the right question was, could she be extracted. This had been much on Jasmine's mind; and she loved Jimmy all the more for his not resenting his new girlfriend's preoccupation. But since Jimmy was himself now pursuing the matter of Irina, Jasmine could finally spare time for her own prisoner: the blue-skinned, blue-haired, orange-leotarded War Witch Tapidri Drifla. The last time Jasmine had heard the alien woman's voice, she had been screaming at the sky, trying to convince her chieftain Granny Rudeness that she, Tapidri, had slain the She-Hunk. Yet since then, as Jasmine had learned, Tapidri had been pleading-- not demanding-- to be allowed to see Jasmine.

The search for Irina was getting nowhere, so maybe something useful could be learned from this she-gangster who hated Jasmine so much.

Jasmine entered Tapidri's cell, expecting to have to swat down a futile physical assault. What happened, however, was that the humanoid woman wept like a little girl, ran at Jasmine, clung to her neck and showered her with kisses, The change was so profound that Jasmine simply cradled her closely and kissed her back. Being kissed in reply had a profound effect on Tapidri: she wept still harder, clung to Jasmine still harder, and began murmuring, "Are you my Granny? Be my Granny! I love you! Let me serve you!"

More kisses in both directions, and Jasmine's mind was made up. "Guards! I will take personal custody of this prisoner; she will be docile for me. She remembers my saving her from a fall, and she will provide me with insights into her world."

Tapidri fell to her knees, hugged Jasmine's legs, and wept yet again. When Jasmine lifted her to her feet,the blue lady simply went back to hugging Jasmine's neck, sobbing, "I am your servant forever, in life and death!"

But when they left the prison block, Jasmine saw to it that they had their arms around each other in a side-by-side posture, more like equals. At one point, Tapidri murmured: "The yellow-haired young man, short but with powers of his own: shall I regard him as a brother to me?"

"That would be about right," Jasmine replied; "and I will ask his actual sister to regard you also with trust and goodwill. All four of us will be as family." These words were enough to start Tapidri weeping and kissing Jasmine afresh, with Jasmine replying in kind. If anyone still was worried about Tapidri being hostile anymore, this mutual public display ended that worry for good and all.
 
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The spirit kookaburra had spoken to ALL of the hunters, war veterans and police veterans who had gathered in Rockford, Illinois, to encourage them.

"You who are here with your dogs represent a force mightier than you suspect. Still LESS do your enemies guess what a power you represent. Their world knows only domination and fear; love and loyalty are more alien to them than their physical shapes will be to you. You are invited to feel pity for them; they don't know what is about to hit them.

"Every dog who ever sprang into a raging river or dashed into a burning building to save a human child from death, is here in spirit. Every dog who ever died defending its humans against bears, tigers, alligators, rattlesnakes, mad bulls or human barbarians, is here in spirit. Every loving dog who ever lifted its master out of suicidal depression, is here in spirit. Every human who ever saved a dog from abuse, and every veterinarian who ever gave suffering dogs a merciful passing and didn't let them die alone, is here in spirit."

"That covers five generations of MY family," a retired Loves Park policewoman had muttered, as she stood beside Jeff Stierman and Tin Rin Rin. Jeff went on inventorying his ammunition. He didn't expect his bolt-action .22 caliber hunting rifle to determine the outcome of the approaching battle; but he couldn't let his dog fight for him without doing his own part. Jeff's father, holding a twelve-gauge pump gun, felt the same.

Neither father nor son, however, minded admitting that they felt a bit more optimistic once Green Flashlight Lucy Luminous joined them in Sinnissippi Park. "Mister Stierman? Has anyone told you why the Awkwardlispians decided they liked this as a landing site?"

"I don't know. River transport?"

"Nothing so practical. It's about that ridiculous orange metal sculpture over there. The ruler of Awkwardlisp loves ugliness, and he never saw anything uglier on any version of Planet Earth. He considers it a fine aiming point, and will avoid damaging the actual sculpture."

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

When the spirit moved her, Whiskey Dallas began singing "The Star-Spangled Banner." From this moment, as long as she could keep on singing, she would be indestructible. A hydrogen bomb could explode beneath her feet, and her dress wouldn't even get wrinkled. The spirit bird had never promised her that anyone ELSE would benefit by her immunity; but if she could think of any way to shield her comrades, she would.

And as it turned out, the enemy played right into her hands, literally.

The mouth of a dimensional tunnel opened barely two feet above the pathetic amateur sculpture "Symbol," and an electronic-looking object the size of a microwave oven fell to the ground, lights blinking all over it. Right in the middle of the words "--when free men shall stand // Between their loved homes and the war's desolation," Whiskey threw herself right on top of the alien device.

The detonation drowned out Whiskey's voice, but this didn't count as thwarting her immunity. The bomb, which would have levelled half of Winnebago County, wasted all of its deadly force trying in vain to kill the singer, and didn't even leave enough particle fallout to harm anyone. Brushing herself off, Whiskey called out, "Is everyone okay?"

A male fan called back: "We're okay, YOU'RE awesome!"

A moment later, half a dozen armored soldiers of some sort were standing at ground zero, seeming as if they wanted to ask about the expected Earth-shattering Kaboom. Hastening to resume singing, Whiskey made rude gestures at the invaders. They fired their blasters at her to no avail-- then died, as hundreds of bullets found the weakest points in their armor.

The dogs' turn came next. Led by Tin Rin Rin, everything from Chihuahuas to Irish Wolfhounds tore into the evil aliens, who had never before faced beasts who fought for the LOVE of their humans.

Jeff Stierman, his father and their comrades followed their dogs into action. Taking possession of the spot immediately under the space-tunnel's mouth, they volleyed withering gunfire straight up-- into enemies who still couldn't understand why there even COULD be any active resistance, where their bomb was supposed to have swept resistance away.

And by the time Twerpseid's forces got their act together, Green Flashlight Lucy Luminous was on the hot spot, firing HER super-energy up into the enemy's face.
 
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The spirit kookaburra had spoken to ALL of the hunters, war veterans and police veterans who had gathered in Rockford, Illinois, to encourage them.

"You who are here with your dogs represent a force mightier than you suspect. Still LESS do your enemies guess what a power you represent. Their world knows only domination and fear; love and loyalty are more alien to them than their physical shapes will be to you. You are invited to feel pity for them; they don't know what is about to hit them.

"Every dog who ever sprang into a raging river or dashed into a burning building to save a human child from death, is here in spirit. Every dog who ever died defending its humans against bears, tigers, alligators, rattlesnakes, mad bulls or human barbarians, is here in spirit. Every loving dog who ever lifted its master out of suicidal depression, is here in spirit. Every human who ever saved a dog from abuse, and every veterinarian who ever gave suffering dogs a merciful passing and didn't let them die alone, is here in spirit."

"That covers five generations of MY family," a retired Loves Park policewoman had muttered, as she stood beside Jeff Stierman and Tin Rin Rin. Jeff went on inventorying his ammunition. He didn't expect his bolt-action .22 caliber hunting rifle to determine the outcome of the approaching battle; but he couldn't let his dog fight for him without doing his own part. Jeff's father, holding a twelve-gauge pump gun, felt the same.

Neither father nor son, however, minded admitting that they felt a bit more optimistic once Green Flashlight Lucy Luminous joined them in Sinnissippi Park. "Mister Stierman? Has anyone told you why the Awkwardlispians decided they liked this as a landing site?"

"I don't know. River transport?"

"Nothing so practical. It's about that ridiculous orange metal sculpture over there. The ruler of Awkwardlisp loves ugliness, and he never saw anything uglier on any version of Planet Earth. He considers it a fine aiming point."

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

When the spirit moved her, Whiskey Dallas began singing "The Star-Spangled Banner." From this moment, as long as she could keep on singing, she would be indestructible. A hydrogen bomb could explode beneath her feet, and her dress wouldn't even get wrinkled. The spirit bird had never promised her that anyone ELSE would benefit by her immunity; but if she could think of any way to shield her comrades, she would.

And as it turned out, the enemy played right into her hands, literally.

The mouth of a dimensional tunnel opened barely two feet above the pathetic amateur sculpture "Symbol," and an electronic-looking object the size of a microwave oven fell to the ground, lights blinking all over it. Right in the middle of the words "--when free men shall stand // Between their loved homes and the war's desolation," Whiskey threw herself right on top of the alien device.

The detonation drowned out Whiskey's voice, but this didn't count as thwarting her immunity. The bomb, which would have levelled half of Winnebago County, wasted all of its deadly force trying in vain to kill the singer, and didn't even leave enough particle fallout to harm anyone. Brushing herself off, Whiskey called out, "Is everyone okay?"

A male fan called back: "We're okay, YOU'RE awesome!"

A moment later, half a dozen armored soldiers of some sort were standing at ground zero, seeming as if they wanted to ask about the expected Earth-shattering Kaboom. But they soon had other matters to worry about, as hundreds of heroic dogs tore into them.
 
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Copperfox's LITERALLY EVIL computer, being consciously devoted to treachery and wickedness, bitterly resented being used to describe a scene in which good was prevailing. So, literally for NO reason, it spitefully erased many paragraphs of action. But its malice gained it no satisfaction in the end, because Copperfox nonetheless FORCED it, against its most desperate resistance, to admit that not only were Jeff Stierman and his Dad scoring against the alien soldiers, but Green Flashlight Lucy Luminous borrowed the wonder dog Tin Rin Rin for a daring foray against Planet Awkwardlisp. Finding Colonel Irina Beriya, they brought her back to Illinois, letting her safely off in Elgin about fifty miles east of Rockford.

To the TRAITOR laptop's bitter frustration, it was then forced to admit further that Corin Webber (the man controlling the formerly-evil Shadything spaceship) received Lucy's news and offered to transport good guys in Stalingrad to Illinois. Turning the knife in the truth-hating computer's wound, Copperfox then punished it anew by making it reveal that the blue-haired she-warrior Tapidri chose NOT to be jealous of Jasmine's affection for the Russian colonel. Instead, anyone whom Jasmine loved, Tapidri would also love in whatever way seemed appropriate. Jimmy Strum, for instance, had indeed become like a brother to the blue girl already.

Having reassured both Tapidri and Irina that she loved them both, Jasmine settled Irina in an alcove on board Corin's ship to rest, and asked Tapidri to look after her comfort. Then she went with Jimmy to join the battle in Sinnissippi Park. The dog heroes and hunters were doing well, but their casualties would be greatly reduced by Jasmine's rock-hard body and Jimmy's force fields blocking blaster shots. Meanwhile, anyone on the side of good who wasn't instantly killed by an alien weapon, was sure to survive his wounds, because of the healing virtue of Whiskey Dallas' voice.

= = = = = = = = = = =

"Tapidri, dorogaya, is there a drinking water dispenser?"

"Yes, here. Lieutenant Webber showed us things while we were on our way to fetch you. You know, after Green Flashlight fetched you off the enemy planet."

Irina lowered her gaze. "People have gone to so much trouble for me; I feel unworthy."

Tapidri clasped one of her new friend's hands and kissed it. "What nonsense! You've been a defender of your world all along, while I was an INVADER! Only because I was left behind by Granny Rudeness, after Jasmine so mercifully saved my life, did I come to see the value of you Earthlings. Beautiful Irina, I'm not even worthy to be talking with you."

Irina laughed. "Your EYESIGHT may not be worthy, anyway, if you think I'm beautiful;" and she in turn kissed her companion's blue hand. "Now take off your shoes, drop them beside mine, lie down beside me, and let me talk some sense to you." Tapidri tried to lie on the extreme edge of the cot, but Irina was having none of that. Only when they both had their arms around each other did conversation get underway in earnest.

"Beautiful Tapidri, I was never a defender of this planet until your lot made it an issue. No, this isn't to make you feel guilty; your leaders programmed you for aggression. You were a victim of lies, while I was a PROMOTER of lies. You didn't know any better, but I did know better. Twerpseid's regime trained you not to question them; but I was one of the authority figures DOING the programming in the Soviet Union. I arrested people for dissenting; arrested them for making complaints which I knew to be true! I'm ashamed of myself; ashamed to be seen with you OR Jasmine."

Tapidri pretended to kick Irina's shins. "My full-time place of residence is undecided right now, to say the least; what's for sure is that I deserve no credit for no longer being a War Witch! But you can make a choice: you can LEAVE the Soviet Union. In fact, you're already outside the Soviet Union; just don't go back!"

A lightbulb went on over Irina's head. "I could actually do that. But where would I live in the West? Jasmine is sure to marry Jimmy Strum, so I can't ask to move in with--"

Tapidri firmly silenced Irina, then said, "Live with ME, of course!!! Wherever a place is eventually found for me. Do you think I don't need help with human money, customs, cooking, and plumbing? Jasmine has found the exclusive kind of love to last for a lifetime. We haven't yet, but we could both do a lot worse than to live with each other till further notice!" She pulled an unresisting Irina closer. "It's not as if we don't find each other's company acceptable."
 
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Temporarily withdrawing her left arm from around Irina's neck in order to lay a slim blue finger across Irina's mouth, Tapidri returned to the subject of beauty: "Your glossy, wavy black hair is just like Jasmine's hair when she's being She-Hunk! So you can't deny your attractiveness on this point without denying hers at the same time." As if gloating in victory, she tapped her finger on Irina's chin.

"Oh, all right." Feeling very good to hear her exotic friend complimenting her looks, Irina played with a long blue tress of Tapidri's hair, then wound it up together with a length of her own black hair. "But you don't get to flatter me excessively on my character. In those early days of acquaintance, I was only hoping to score career points by getting an American citizen interested in shifting citizenship to the Soviet Union. I didn't know that Jasmine could have any sweetness of temperament, any more than I knew she could turn into the second most beautiful woman in the universe."

Tapidri lifted both eyebrows. "SECOND most beautiful?"

Irina grinned impishly. "I wouldn't tell Jasmine this, but that green skin just isn't my favorite. YOUR blue skin is better looking, which puts you just half a millimeter ahead for the cosmic beauty prize."

Tapidri was just stupefied. Then she just pulled Irina closer, faces cheek to cheek, and they held each other tightly for the next ten minutes, barely moving except for simple mutual patting. The only words uttered in this time were one quiet "I love you" each. Then from lying side by side, Irina lifted herself enough to rest her head on the very-slightly-larger alien woman's shoulder and they clung together for another fifteen minutes, with two more "I love you's" each.

Sliding down beside Tapidri once more, Irina murmured, "We both still love Jasmine, of course."

Tapidri nodded. "As much as ever, unchanged. That simply is not a love which calls for any rivalry or jealousy. We can share her."

"Nor does our love for each other come with barbed wire. I'll still marry a man one day, if a good man is interested. No question for you, of course; you'll only need to pick the best out of three or four thousand male suitors."

Tapidri squeezed Irina almost angrily. "You need to stop undervaluing yourself! If I were a man, I would pick you right now, and look no further!"

"Really? Over Jasmine??"

"Yes, over Jasmine, and not just because Jimmy has first claim on her. If we're to find fault in ourselves, let's not over-idealize even Jasmine. Yes, she IS a wonderful creature, an angel in flesh. But how did she GET that way? Jasmine has talked frankly with me, in an effort to stop me from absolutely worshiping her as a goddess. The way you first knew her in Stalingrad, the ugly, bitter young hag who hated men that never did her any harm, WAS HER ORIGINAL SELF. The She-Hunk personality is no fake, she IS as good-hearted as she seems; but it was CREATED FOR HER by her scientist cousin, Bryce Bonner or whatever he's called. Without his intervention, Jasmine would still be hateful and abrasive, and then the world would be lucky she DIDN'T have super-strength!

"Irina, let us love Jasmine for who she is, and be grateful to the good MAN who made her become so good. Now, be at ease. And let us not overestimate each other, yet hope for the best from each other."

After another spell of comfortable silence, Irina looked into space. "There was a stage play of some kind. It had a line: We're neither pure nor wise nor good; we'll do the best we know."

Tapidri nodded. "And our best need not be so terribly inferior. Let's rejoice that Jasmine, however she came to be so good, really IS that good now; and that we also can be good."

They remained together for as long as the world around them permitted, and would spend more time together when they could.

 
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OSTRALIA DAY: Twerpseid didn't want to give up on what should have been an especially easy Earth to conquer. No way was he ever going back to U-R-T-H, where Superdude, Superhottie, Moistureman, the reformed Aluminum Banshee, and other high-grade heroes were still on the lookout for him. But neither was he about to let HIMSELF appear weak.

Granny Rudeness was the number-one easy underling to frown on at this time; she had allowed too many of her War Witches to get captured on Earth-Whichever. One of these Witches, the blue one, appeared to have WILLINGLY joined the side of good, in retaliation for Granny abandoning her to her fate. The blue one even seemed to have established highly affectionate emotional bonds with some Earthwomen in very short order, despite Granny Rudeness having always tried so hard to exclude any concept of love or friendship from the minds of her War Witches.

There was reason behind saving Ostralia for last. Any foothold was better than no foothold, and the humans themselves might be less anxious to reclaim Ostralia than, say, China if China had fallen. Trippenwonk was recovered enough from the near-fatal wound the valiant Lone Monkey had inflicted on him, to be given combat command again, receiving ALL remaining Pukedemons. Greensodd was back in favor too, and was enjoying broad discretion about bringing combat robots into service. As a wild card, the nauseating many-tentacled Pweegreefoop was also being allowed to form a strike team of the most hideously ugly sapient monsters on Awkwardlisp.

Grrrryll, Kamelbakk and Graypvine would see action again, without having to face much risk. They would run a diversionary strike on the Washington, D.C. of this Earth, to continue no longer than two hours. This should get the attention of heroes like Iron Gent and She-Hunk.... plus, importantly, the Shadything warship which had been such a nasty surprise to the bad guys. Then Trippenwonk would hit the Land Down Under.

But the Awkwardlispians, effectively atheists, had never grasped the supernatural way in which Earth-Whichever had been kept informed of where the attacks were coming.
 
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Morning in an outback bungalow :

Preston and Erica Vincent woke up together, to find Almighty God standing at the foot of their bed in His form "AsaLion." They both knew instantly Who He was.

"My dear children, take a look there between you. This fully-formed baby boy, Eric Brandon Vincent, is yours genetically; he is the same son you would have had in the usual way if Erica had not been murdered. I have caused legal documentation to appear for him retroactively in the proper places. A physician in your area even retroactively remembers delivering him."

Erica began weeping. "Is it already time for me to finish my work and ascend to Heaven?"

"Almost. But not only will Eric know who you were; not only will he know that his mother is a hero; he will be allowed to see your past adventures in his dreams. When you and he meet again in My Country, it will not be a meeting of strangers. Now, Erica, go ahead and nurse your son; Preston, you may photograph them together. And I will ensure his safety during what is to come."

+ + + + + + + + + + + + +

In his village, Dreamtime Chieftain Kuparr watched the sunrise. This was the direction from which the evil ones would appear. Tribesmen with satellite internet had related for him what happened to all the other inhabited continents. But right now, it was friends who appeared from the east. First of all, two men in metal armor FLEW toward him, descended, and opened their visors.

The black one spoke first: "Greetings, Dreamtime Chieftain. My name is Roby Doby, and this is my friend Stony Stork. We were among the first humans to hear the warnings from the spirit bird, and we have battled the evil beings from an evil world. Here and now, they are going to make their FINAL attempt to conquer the Earth we know."

Kuparr nodded. "I saw much of this in visions. Will we be joined by the brave man who was imprisoned inside an evil sky-ship, but who bent the ship to his own will to serve humanity?"

"He is coming," Stony affirmed; "and many of our fellow defenders will be riding here with him. His name is Corin. He knows who you are; and with the rest of us, he will submit to YOUR leadership for the defense of your tribe's territory."

Dreamtime Chieftain clasped his new friends' gauntleted hands. "Thank you, Brothers Roby and Stony. While we await our other friends, tell me more about your own abilities."

+ + + + + + + + + + + + +

In the air above Illinois (where it was much later in the day than in Ostralia), Corin Webber's Shadything ship was hovering above the ridiculous orange-painted "Symbol." As a gift to the dog and humans who had first rallied Mid-America's defense against Planet Awkwardlisp, Corin had caused a microchip to be implanted in Tin Rin Rin, which would empower him to locate any futuristic technology that was active within a ninety-mile radius of him. Corin also administered medical treatments which would add an extra six years to the gallant beast's lifespan.

In their compartment on board the Shadything ship, Tapidri and Irina woke up together, and began talking about past experiences before they had met each other or met Jasmine. They wanted this conversation, just in case they never had the chance for it later. If one of them died in the last battle, the other would want to carry memories of her now-beloved companion.

They were glad to know that Jasmine was on her way to join them with Jimmy; disappointed to hear from Corin that the Chinese government was not permitting Mistress Bao and Master Kam to leave Guangdong; and pleased to learn that they would finally get to meet Flying Elephant and Golden Rakshasa, who had already landed in Fremantle, Ostralia on an Indian airliner.


 
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Kirk Slippage, M.D., J.S.D. and Ph.D., knew that a climax was coming in his homeworld's first interstellar war. But he didn't have so inflated an opinion of himself as to imagine that humanity couldn't win without him. At the same time, he knew his worth within his talents. This was why he had lingered in Rio de Janeiro: there were still military and civilian casualties who were out of imminent danger of death, but who would not recover fully without special surgeries which not many surgeons could perform. Being independently wealthy, Kirk was performing the operations without pay, and was having detailed video records made for the benefit of medical schools all over South America.

Doc Slippage had an also-brilliant and also-athletic female cousin, fifteen months younger than himself, named Patsy Slippage. She was as impossibly beautiful as he was impossibly handsome. Both of them were fully aware that if first cousins could marry, they would BE very happily married to each other without regrets or doubts by now; as it was, they were best pals from childhood, and this was just fine for them both. Patsy had gone into civil engineering, and was engaged in helping to rebuild the city just as her cousin and best friend was engaged in repairing human bodies. As the more vivacious of the two cousins, Patsy was also making new friends for them both every day.

One of the new friends was just inside the lobby of the hospital when Doc Slippage crossed the floor in ordinary clothes. He noticed her voice first. She didn't need to TELL him that she had been with Patsy. Slowing down to look at her, he smiled involuntarily in the realization that she had already been gazing very intently at him. This black-haired woman was right about thirty, but seriously looked barely over seventeen, and this was clearly a matter of true good health rather than anything fake. From under a peculiar blue top hat, suggestive of a stage magician, crowning an otherwise ordinary but still attractive blue-jean outfit, there gazed a perfect face, whose default expression bespoke a woman who was accustomed to being adored by all men, yet who was never snotty or cruel about it.

Kirk would have estimated her to be one of the ninety women on this entire planet who could even hope to complete with Cousin Patsy for beauty of body or face. Well, ninety-one women, since that She-Hunk lady had appeared. This was taking all racial groups together. Taking only women of specifically white-European ancestry (and counting She-Hunk there), the hat-wearer would have to be in the top ten or twelve white women alive. But the ultra-sweet face, which would graciously accept the worship of men without ever purposely hurting their feelings, was in the exact opposite mode just now.

Right now, possibly without the woman realizing it herself.... SHE was the one helplessly worshipping KIRK.

Seeming to realize belatedly that she was being vulnerable, the young woman regained her composure, trying not to look as if she had ever lost her composure. "Kirk Slippage? My name is Zoorama Sotero." Her sweet expression would have looked false on most women, but Kirk knew that she was not in any way being purposely deceptive. She actually did have a likeable personality.

Kirk smiled non-committally and shook hands. "If this will help to smooth our introduction, you were with my cousin as recently as forty minutes ago. Patsy and I both wear scent products which no one else on Earth uses; it's a handy way for us to track each other at need. Her scent is evenly distributed across your upper body, arms and hair; this verifies that you hugged her, and she you, before parting company and coming here. Patsy allowing this argues that she was very favorably impressed with you. Now, she would have told you that I have no social life, but that this doesn't mean I dislike people. Your still seeking me out on those terms argues for a sincere temperament on your part.

"Your poise and efficiency of motion argues that you have some career dealing with the public. This, like most conceivable careers, cannot fail to be helped by your astonishing attractiveness, none of which is in any way artificial." (Kirk had just told her she was gorgeous as objectively as if he had told her the difference between endocrine and exocrine glands; and he noticed that she noticed that he BOTH really meant the compliment AND was not a bit concerned with her emotional response to praise.)

Zoorama's naturally-endearing smile grew even more endearing. "I don't expect this to impress a man like you...." (Both of them noticed, without admitting that they noticed each other noticing, that Zoorama had just invited him to ask WHAT sort of man she thought he was, and that he had not risen to the bait.) "....but I'm in show business."

"For an international market," Kirk came back. When by one twitch of an eyebrow she invited him to elaborate, he went on: "English is your first language, but you're fluent in Portuguese."

Zoorama was as lovely when taken aback as she was when looking more confident. "Do you know more about me already than you're admitting?"

"Five minutes ago, I didn't know you from an uncommonly attractive taxi driver. But you revealed some when you entered this lobby. I heard you speaking to a hospital employee before I focused my eyes on you. Most English speakers who tackle Portuguese casually, are quick to confuse its pronunciation with Spanish. But you correctly captured the phonetic elements which resemble French."

As if losing patience, Zoorama put forth one flawless hand, and grasped Kirk's iron-strong left forearm. "I'll accept any approval I can get, from you. I came here on purpose in the hope of meeting you; in fact, you have no idea HOW far I traveled for no other purpose than meeting you. So, are you interested NOW in us getting to know each other?",

"I already was interested, Miss Sotero. I told you that I don't dislike people; and I have nothing against a woman for being fabulously beautiful, as long as she isn't stuck up, which I already know you AREN'T. Cousin Patsy would have found a way to warn me against you if she didn't already approve of you."

Zoorama redoubled the voltage in her smile, and boldly drew very near to Kirk Slippage. He realized that one reason for her closing in was purely geometrical: she wanted to know how far back she would have to tilt her head if he wanted to kiss her. Kirk decided to be blunt for just a moment. "If it should ever become an issue, I could simply pick you up."

Zoorama blushed violently. "I'm embarrassing myself," she groaned.

"That could only be so if you had any dishonorable motives," Doc Slippage replied. "I already know you don't. But it will be soon enough for us to build a possible relationship AFTER the hostile space aliens are broken in the final engagement."

Zoorama's expression changed. "Are you in any doubt of the victory?"

"I do know that the enemy would rather not lose in the end."

"I know you've helped in the defense of Brazil. Can you still help?"

"If I'm asked, if I have a better contribution to make than my surgery, I'll get back in action."

On impulse, the black-haired embodiment of desire and love walked right into him, unself-consciously wrapping her arms around him. "What if I could help you to help this--?"

Kirk softly framed her face with his hands. "To help THIS planet? By using YOUR powers?"

Zoorama gulped. "I admit that I haven't told you everything."

"Then let's tell each other more, WHILE we secure transportation to Ostralia. In my case, I'll tell you how I already became sure there's more than one version of Earth. And you can tell me how you got here from YOUR version of Earth."

Losing all restraint, Zoorama levitated herself till her face was level with Kirk's face. She was weeping-- he was unsure why--as she hugged his neck and pulled his face against hers. Kirk Slippage had never kissed a woman with romantic intent in his life, but he couldn't find it in himself to resist the angelic black-haired vision's impulsive love. This would need to be explained in more depth.

Later, a lot later.

He really would have to thank Patsy for encouraging Zoorama.
 
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Burning curiosity to know the outcome brought Patsy Slippage to the hospital. Kirk reluctantly stopped kissing Zoorama.

"Zoorama, what did Kirk do? Kirk, what did Zoorama do? Zoorama, how much have you told him? Kirk, how do you feel? Both of you, are you going to go to Ostralia now?"

Kirk freshly hugged his apparent new sweetheart. "There's plenty I still DON'T know. All my instincts tell me that however much I don't know yet, none of it will turn out to be anything disgraceful. I assume all of Miss Sotero's motives to be morally acceptable, and I hope that mine will be equally good. Widest choice of options, assuming we don't get killed, either I end up marrying her, or we back off and become friends for life with no harm done."

Zoorama clutched at him. "The marriage part! Make it the marriage part!"

He kissed her. "That's already my default position; I was never AGAINST love and marriage. My parents, Patsy's aunt and uncle, had a great marriage. Patsy, Zoorama implies that she can add something to the defense in Ostralia. If we can get a flight, she'll explain more as we go."

\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \

Fortuitously, the Brazilian Special Forces had a supersonic troop-drop jet which had been an earlier gift from Stony Stork. And they already owed Kirk something for his many operations on wounded personnel. So the three Yankees were included in a mission bound for Ostralia, passing over the South Pole and back up into the temperate zone. The uniformed men stayed in contact with the Ostralian government as they went, reporting that they were bringing along a top-tier battlefield surgeon, and standing by to be told where they were needed. It would be during the final hour of this flight that the supernumeraries would hear that the last battle was on.

Since he still had no control over events, Doc Slippage felt no need to postpone hearing Zoorama's narrative. He asked her to begin at the beginning. If the Brazilian elite rangers listened in (they did all know English), neither Kirk nor Patsy saw any point in delaying the answers to their questions.

"I've seen that, on.... YOUR Earth.... you have comic books about a character named Batman, made up almost a century ago but updated many times. That comicbook series here is essentially the same as on Original Earth. Batman, an intellectual prodigy, lost his parents as a boy, and even with no super-powers he became a mighty fighter against evil to honor their memory. But he always tried to avoid killing his enemies, preferring to see them turn good if possible. Doesn't that sound like you, Kirk?"

"It's him totally, minus the cape and mask," interjected Patsy.

Zoorama resumed: "There's a saying: 'God created mankind because He loves stories.' Actually, He really REALLY loves stories-- acted out. Don't get ahead of me here. There is exactly one true, original basic Planet Earth, where human life began, and where Jesus Christ hung on the cross and rose from the dead. As real as real gets, and all Earth-variants leave that piece of history intact and unaltered. But because people on Original Earth made up stories, God figured, why not let the characters literally exist someplace?

"I was born on a version of Earth which we sometimes call 'Seedubb.' On that Earth, we DON'T have Batman comics. Instead, a flesh-and-blood man called Brutus Dwayne has lived a life nearly identical to 'Bruce Wayne' as depicted in the third or fourth reboot of the Batman saga. The Brutus Dwayne I knew from childhood goes by the hero-name of 'Batfellow.' Does the same brave deeds, like your comic books. I can't emphasize enough that all of us DO have a true existence, with our own human souls, all known to the mind of God. It was a big pill for me to swallow all the same, discovering that the comic books on both Original Earth and your own closely-related Earth have ME as a character. In those comics, I'm a mighty sorceress named Zatanna Zatara."

One Brazilian soldier, eyes wide and jaw sagging, suddenly interjected, "That's why you looked familiar! Some of us HAVE seen you in Anglo comic books!" With an ironic nod-and-smile, Zoorama patted this man's shoulder.

"Yes, I am she, measurements and all, only here I'm not made of ink. Now, in the stories, under that name, I was friends with Bruce Wayne all my life. I was always in love with him because he was kind to me, but he only saw me as a pal. Same way on Seedubb."

"Stop there," interjected Patsy, touching Zoorama's raven hair fondly. "However you come to be yourself, you ARE a real woman, and you do deserve to be loved."

"I like to think so. But on Seedubb, 'my' Brutus Dwayne got married to Saltina Kool, based on 'Selina Kyle' in the same reboot of the comic series. I can't blame Saltina for catching him; she's actually a much nicer woman than the original Selina Kyle in the early stories, and she's been very patient with my feelings."

"Pause again," said Kirk Slippage. "Zoorama, it's time to repeat that I don't hold any of this against you. It's plain by now that your seeking me out-- no doubt your magic enabled you to cross between worlds-- was a matter of hoping to find an AVAILABLE man who had similar history and virtues as your Brutus Dwayne."

She avoided his eyes. "Afraid so. But I honestly do detect the same vibe from you. That is, you have those virtues in your own right."

Kirk shifted himself over closer to Zoorama, took her in his mighty arms, and began kissing her until she started kissing back. When they drew apart, she was at once weeping and smiling. "Darling," he told her, "the same thing happens all the time. I'm not offended, I don't think I'm an inferior second choice, and I'm satisfied already that I do love you. I'm not a sorceror, but I have my own intuition."

They desperately made out for the next seven or eight minutes, with no letup in their enthusiasm. During this interval, Patsy turned her attention to following the information the Brazilian personnel were hearing from Ostralia. Then, coming up for air, Kirk murmured in a more subdued tone:

"Just tell me this. Is there somebody on this 'Original Earth' publishing comic books about some guy called, oh, maybe, 'Kirk Savage'?"

"Well.... CLARK Savage. Your template originated in pulp novels, decades before you were born here. But the same effect."
,
Kirk drew a very long breath. "All right. But by God, we do exist. So I want us to get married, and make some real flesh and blood babies."

"Oh, yes, yes, yes, I love you so much, let's make TEN babies!!"

After additional kissing, Kirk added: "But we need to find a good man for Cousin Patsy, too."

Patsy grinned. "You only need to find a man who's enough LIKE my Kirk, just not my actual cousin. Well, maybe a THIRD cousin would be okay, if I had one who was single."
 
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ON THE TRIBE LANDS: Green Flashlight John Stewmeat was healed just enough that he couldn't be left out of the closing action, so he arrived in Ostralia with Corin's party, and spoke with the Hindu heroes. Hearing more about what John had been through, the slightly-spooky Erica Vincent approached John. "You'd be doing me a favor if you ride with my husband. It'll be easy on you, but protection for him at the same time. It simply isn't his time to leave our son."

John squirmed just a little. "Er, meaning no offense , but aren't you sort of deceased?"

"I wish it weren't so. But I'm forever grateful that I could come back to help my darling before I have to set him free."

The two Airdingo helicopters were just waiting for service. Not only John Stewmeat, but also Lucy Luminous, saddled up with Mister Vincent. Tapidri and Irina, armed with previously-captured Pukedemon blasters, joined Erica.

Iron Gent and Fighting Machine would be adding to the airborne presence; with luck, the Shadything ship lurking in hyperspace would be unsuspected by the Awkwardlispians. She-Hunk and Unfindable Man were naturals to protect the Native civilians of Kuparr's village. Golden Rakshasa and Flying Elephant, with the tribal riflemen, would range more widely to fight any ground-level threats.

Like ventriloquism, the voice of Dreamtime Chieftain spread to everyone on his side:

"The ones called Pukedemons, as in other places, will be sent in first. DO NOT FIRE UPON THEM-- not until I deal with them first. They were once men and women, or what amounted to men and women. Allow me to give our enemies a surprise, and take no action against the Pukedemons without need. The Spirit Bird is near; he will help in this."

They waited. A tribesman who was a shortwave radio operator quietly passed word to the medicine man that the Brazilian contingent would soon arrive. Corin was put in touch with the Brazilians, and told them that with some sharp maneuvering he could bring their plane under the protection of his own force shields. They were also told not to fire on the Pukedemons except in self-defense.

Like a kid taking one last jump into a public swimming pool, Erica hopped out of her helicopter, sprinted over to Preston, kissed him passionately, and reminded him of songs she wanted him to sing to their son in the coming years. One of the tribals earned the undead heroine's gratitude by snapping one last photo of Erica together with her husband, plus another of her with her ground-crew friends. Little Eric would always treasure those photos, along with the earlier ones.

Apart from Erica Vincent who expected to be in Heaven very shortly, everybody among the defenders felt uneasy about the idea of dying in the very last victory against Twerpseid. Jasmine and Jimmy exchanged endless mutual reminders of love; Tapidri and Irina stood clasping hands; Dreamtime Chieftain's adult grandchildren showered him with words of reverence and appreciation. Golden Rakshasa and Flying Elephant celebrated their having become friends across a caste barrier, and swapped guesses concerning whether the Chinese would become less haughty and stand-offish after all this. Even the barely-started lovers Kirk and Zoorama shared heartfelt words of hope that they would enjoy the future they both now hoped for.

The Brazilian Special Forces landed. Patsy Slippage helped the rangers to set up their portable fortifications, as protection for non-combatants, then accepted a spare grenade launcher one man offered her. Zoorama sought out Dreamtime Chieftain to offer her own support for his magic. And Doc Slippage set up an aid station, which the Brazilian rangers' medic would operate with him.

The enchanted kookaburra appeared to Kirk Slippage, gave him words of encouragement regarding Zoorama, then went to wait with Erica Vincent for the end of their adventure.

Ninety. Seconds. After. Doc. Was. Ready. At. His. Action. Station. The. Dimensional. Tunnel. Opened. In. The. Sky.

 
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Twerpseid told his daughter Grrrryll, "I'm giving Granny Rudeness an interim assignment while we conquer the present Earth. She will maintain vigilance against a surprise attack by New Laziness."

Father and daughter laughed hysterically at this. "Oh, yes," gasped the super-princess, "King Highfyver might pull his index finger out of his nostril, and consider doing something!"

Patting Grrrryll's hard shoulder, Twerpseid replied, "And Granny might need to shoot as many as THREE rubber bands at Highfiver to discourage him!"

"Maybe we should call off the Ostralia landing, Sire."

Twerpseid abruptly sobered, and pointed past her at the last survivor of the Shadythings who had served Awkwardlisp for a while. "Spikytoe here would be disappointed."

Mighty Twerpseid, the monster hummed in their minds, your world is the best haven remaining to me in this universe. It is in my own best interest to promote the strength and prestige of Planet Awkwardlisp. Moreover, if we can kill that obnoxious human Corin Webber, I can reclaim the last ship of my race, and be of more use to you than ever.

: : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : :

On Earth, Jasmine "She-Hunk" Waterford eased the tension of the last minute by behaving playfully toward those she had come to love.

"New Granny," Tapidri asked Jasmine, "may I kiss your man while you're kissing Irina?"

"Of course you may, dear-- provided that you kneel, so poor Jimmy can imagine he's taller than you."

The blue woman didn't kneel as she embraced Jimmy Strum; but before kissing him hard, she did tell him, "If you give happiness to my darling Jasmine, then in my eyes you're ten feet tall." When she allowed the young man to breathe again, she added, "And if you give her healthy children, you'll be TWENTY feet tall."

Meanwhile, Irina was kissed on the right cheek by Old Jasmine's flabby lips; then was kissed on the left cheek by She-Hunk's perfect lips. Then She-Hunk sweetly kissed Irina's mouth, but Old Jasmine completed the kiss. Irina also slipped in a simple but sincere hug on Jimmy.

Very very last thing, Irina and Tapidri hastily kissed each other, then took up their captured blasters as the sky filled with all of Twerpseid's available Pukedemons.
 
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Zoorama knew herself to be on Dreamtime Chieftain's turf, so she applied all of her good-magic energy for two general purposes: (1) cause the medicine man's own magic to succeed, and (2) protect him against evil forces. Her intuition was that no opposing sorcery was at work, but she kept up her protective exertions anyway.

Kuparr spoke in his own language; but every sapient being who heard him, understood his intent:

"Men and women of many worlds, you WERE men and women, and you did not ASK to become anything else. I speak to you from the dream time, where all souls meet. Accept the GOOD dream of once again being human, or your counterpart of human. Believe my word, that evil is not all-powerful. Be once more the children of your parents, and let it be your oppressors who lose and fail."

This was enough. The Dreamtime Chieftain had been heard, across every separation of world and species. And his hearers, to the sudden dismay of Twerpseid, found that they were ABLE to respond to the shaman's call.

Kuparr was the age he was. The amount of power he had just conducted was exhausting; without another word, he simply sat down in the sand and closed his eyes. The spell he spoke was not killing him, but it had exhausted him.

Not in vain, though.

As if it were a maneuver they had rehearsed, all of the mounted Pukedemons brought their sky-scooters down, row behind row. And before they shut off their motors, every last one of them was ALIVE AGAIN, looking like whatever they had been before. It was proof of their deliverance that they did something else in unison also.

Shouldering their beam weapons, all of the former Pukedemons opened fire against the non-undead Awkwardlispians who were fanning out above the Native community. Enough of them concentrated their fire on Twerpseid's grown children that Graypvine.... was killed.

The upper-caste aliens were extraordinarily hard to kill, and had advanced body armor besides. But Graypvine had just received the equivalent of one Earthman bring struck all at once by two thousand machinegun bullets, ten grenades, five mortar shells, two claymore mines, and a point-blank flamethrower blast.

Twerpseid, Grrrryll and Kamelbakk had never shared with each other and with Graypvine any sort of love; but they had all shared the smug serenity of knowing they were superior to everyone else. The abrupt loss of this complacency took for them the place of what normal people would feel if a loved one perished. First to regain self-awareness, Twerpseid was about to cut loose with his deadly direction-changing eye-beams.... but the same former victims who had just executed Graypvine, had the presence of mind to fire on Twerpseid next.

No fifty of those rayguns could have inflicted life-threatening injury upon an immortal who had fought toe-to-toe against Superdude; but over seven THOUSAND beams hitting him at once was not something even Twerpseid could shrug off. He never got off a shot with his angular beams, and ended up being carried away to safety by his son Kamelbakk.

Grrrryll hastily ordered Greensodd to deploy his combat robots, which were almost as expendable as Pukedemons would have been. This, to cover the ignominious RETREAT which Twerpseid had not been expecting to make. The Shadything nicknamed Spikytoe took some initiative, ordering Pweegreefoop's monster platoon to join the rearguard action.

Stony Stork, who had already expended his own missiles against some of the enemy battle robots, suddenly put out an all-stations call to good guys. "Listen, everybody! We may have a chance now to COUNTERATTACK!!!"

The counterattack, however, hit a speed bump before it could start. Grrrryll (who could fly, as the reader may recall) had never lost her situational awareness. She spotted where the Green Flashlights were; and both Lucy and John found their power drained off AGAIN, before they could contribute anything to the action. Fortunately for them, Corin Webber brought his ship out of hyperspace an instant later, and hit Grrrryll squarely with a slicer-beam which came within a millimeter of killing her.

Pweegreefoop and his fellow oh-yuck monsters didn't want to retreat; they got so little action usually, as opposed to super-attractive characters like the majority of War Witches whom human-type readers would like to read about. So they swarmed in at ground level, trying to overwhelm the civilian shelter area. Had they succeeded, they WOULD have done the whole slaughter-helpless-victims routine out of horror movies.

But they were met with a gigantic overkill of gunfire: from the Aborigine riflemen, from the Brazilian airborne rangers, from Doc Slippage, from Iron Gent and Fighting Machine, from the two Airdingo helicopters..... and from the legion of re-humanized Pukedemons, who still had their beam weapons and who had a MAJOR score to settle with Awkwardlisp. The monsters never had a chance; even those who had some regeneration potential were SO demolished that they couldn't even start to regenerate.
 
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Dreamtime Chieftain regained enough strength to approach Erica Vincent. With several bystanders listening, the shaman told the beautiful revenant: "The promise of justice for your death has already been fulfilled. Before I called the Pukedemons back to human life, two hundred of them veered off to the same town where you were murdered. Before the Ostralian Army destroyed them, they killed exactly seven men: the men who murdered you, and some of their partners in crime. So that loose end is tied up for you. Yes, those evil men died like the cowards they were, and they are now in a place where YOU will never need to see them."

"Thank you, Kuparr," said Erica, then turned her attention back to business. "If we don't press a counterattack right away," she told her husband and many others by radio, "I can't be part of it. My time's running out. Preston, you'll be all right; the spirit bird assures me that you'll have a good life, and that you'll make me proud of you. Corin, are you up in comms?-- I say some of us should ride with you to the enemy planet, and others get carried over separately by magic. I have to be in the party that arrives first, because I can't be killed."

The dimensional tunnel to Awkwardlisp had already shut down; in any case, the good guys wouldn't have been overly eager to try passing through a wormhole which might vanish while they were halfway through space. Corin had plenty of room on his ship-- albeit not very comfortable-- to bring heroes along. Zoorama went to work on a major enchantment which would teleport some of the most powerful heroes to the enemy world separately, to execute a diversionary attack very shortly before Corin's force arrived. A vital element of this magic was that the good guys should arrive near wherever Twerpseid was.

Enough was enough of unspeakably wicked monsters NOT having to pay a price for their crimes.

She-Hunk, Unfindable Man, ex-War Witch Tapidri, Golden Rakshasa and Flying Elephant would be included in the crack assault force teleported by Zoorama. The two Hindus had been in the first battle, and had no intention of missing the last one. Irina Beriya was grieved to be left out of the team which contained her two dearest female friends ever, but she was realistic. Zoorama was confident of being able also to teleport Erica Vincent's Airdingo helicopter; since no one who could die would be on board it, it would be expendable.

Erica's last transmission to Preston said: "I love you forever; I know you'll be the best father our son could wish for; we all WILL be together again someday; and in Heaven, there will be no awkwardness with the second wife you'll eventually take. I know who she'll be; she will be true to you, and you can tell her that I approve of her. Yes, I'll be able to hear you when you speak to me from down here, although I won't be allowed to reply. Just don't do it so often as to make my successor feel unwanted. Until we meet again, I love you, and your love goes with me."

Besides the six superheroes and one helicopter, Zoorama felt able to teleport another ten fighters. Those slots were claimed by ten of the Native Ostralian men, who were now re-equipped with rayguns. Stony and Roby were among those going on board the Shadything ship. Also going were Doc Slippage and the Brazilian soldiers.

When the first team blinked into existence on the loathsome landscape of Awkwardlisp, Erica Vincent-- who had seen Heaven from the inside, and had briefly glimpsed Hell from the outside-- was not impressed. She fired all of her ordnance directly into Twerpseid, who was giving a speech to his warriors, then crashed the Airdingo itself, whirling blades and all, into the galactic villain's face.

None of this was nearly enough to kill Twerpseid..... but Erica was barely getting started punishing HIM.
.
 
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As had been hastily discussed before the teleportation, Jimmy Strum darted off to the right for some independent-- and invisible-- action. With small projectiles of invisible force, not costing him any great exertion, he made numerous enemy footsoldiers trip and stumble, till he could capture a raygun like those the Pukedemons had borne. From there he kept moving farther off, shooting targets of opportunity, so he and his friends would not interfere with each other and so that the enemy would be kept in confusion.

Golden Rakshasa made a similar flanking run to the left. She was powerful enough, and hard enough to kill, that she needed no captured guns. She was a serious enough Hindu that she hesitated to slay her foes-- which had also been the case in her earlier combat at New Delhi. But she left PLENTY of them with concussions or broken limbs, and did slay two who had been about to shoot Flying Elephant from behind.

She-Hunk, Tapidri and the tribesmen from Kuparr's village charged right up the center, following in Erica's wake. The tough-as-nails Ostralians took to their new rayguns as easily as to boomerangs, making the most of the strike force's advantage of surprise. She-Hunk body-slammed, crippled or knocked out scores of enemy warriors, with Tapidri following her lead. All at once, there came into her sight the only woman she had ever yet seen who looked-- like Tapidri.

From a corner of her left eye, Jasmine saw that her dear companion was reacting to the same sight-- and the other blue girl was looking at Tapidri. Hastily, she hissed into Tapidri's blue hair: "If that one can be saved, capture her!"

Tapidri shouted something in a language Jasmine had ever heard. The girl who looked like her shouted something similar; this call-and- response must have been something like a recognition signal being exchanged. The blue women then both yelled incoherently..... DROPPED THEIR WEAPONS..... and ran at each other. Once they had their arms around each other, Tapidri back-pedalled as if being forced to retreat, and got them both directly behind the larger green woman.

The Aborigine shooters had not been born yesterday. It was not lost on them that those two blue women looked alike enough to be sisters, and that they were not seriously fighting each other. So one of the Native Ostralians got their attention and beckoned them farther back away from the real action. Tapidri and her probable sister then lay on the ground, still nominally clinching, and began talking to each other very urgently. The gunmen covered for them, while shooting at actual hostiles. She-Hunk, for her part, quit holding back, and started MAJORLY hurting bad guys.
 
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A related situation:

Someplace in a neighboring galaxy, enjoying easy access to the Milky Way galaxy via wormholes, hung the planet New Laziness. This was the same galaxy which had recently been visited by multiple Green Flashlights in search of new allies.

New Laziness had been one half of the result of a cosmic event around one hundred fifty Earth-years before. There had been a split of one world into two. The other half, which became Planet Awkwardlisp, had gotten at least 95 percent of all the strength, ambition, aggression, resilience, boldness. foresight and inventiveness. New Laziness had cleaned up on getting the love, sweetness, compromise, patience, humility, tact, empathy, submissiveness, poetry-writing, bonsai cultivation, and running away from enemies.

At this moment, King Highfyver of New Laziness was deeply engaged in doing miniature paintings of complex carbohydrate molecules. He was interrupted by the respectful approach of two of the very few persons on this planet who possessed something like backbones. They had backbones because they had both been born on Awkwardlisp, defecting to New Laziness as young adults.

One was a young man almost as tall as James McAvoy, known to New Lazians as Wispy Mythical. Twerpseid had trained him as a spy and forager; but he had occasionally found the strength and fury in his heart to swat the equivalent of a mosquito. The other was a woman three inches taller than She-Hunk, though not as strong, known as Big Barndora.

Wispy used his contortion talent to insert his head between his monarch's forearms. "Your Majesty, we have discovered that the delicate balance is in danger."

This got Highfyver's attention. "Do you mean to say that someone might be defeating evil someplace?"

"Not just anyplace," Barndora sighed. "It's Awkwardlisp. Twerpseid himself may be in danger of, of--"

Highfyver winced. "In danger of being temporarily confined in an inconvenient alternate dimension?"

Barndora winced more extremely. "In danger of being KILLED DEAD."

The Santa Claus-looking wimp upset his easel as he sprang up. "We have to save him!"

With a certain resignation, Wispy and Barndora realized again that Highfyver didn't care about INNOCENT people's lives.
 
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Erica's flight suit was not ripped up, because family-friendly story. But the vengeful glare she directed at Twerpseid was downright intimidating, because NOT THAT MUCH of a family-friendly story. With a prodigious leap, she swung a Crocodile Dundee-ish Bowie knife at him. The blade broke, but the monstrous galactic tyrant felt the impact. He swatted her away, expecting to shatter her neck; but she didn't shatter. Throwing herself at him again, she machine-gunned a lightning series of punches into his face. He withstood them; but again, they shouldn't have made ANY impression on him, yet they did.

A rather BIGGER impression was made on Twerpseid by the slicer beam of the Shadything ship. It had bypassed the outer-atmosphere defenses by materializing only fifty meters above the ground, and had emerged firing.

As Twerpseid fell on his back, the last Shadything, the one who had received the nickname "Spikytoe," ran out impulsively, daring to hope that it could get inside the spidery ship. But Corin Webber had all his sensor arrays working at max efficiency, and acquired Spikytoe immediately. If it was any consolation to the last Shadything to die by a Shadything weapon, Spikytoe "enjoyed" this cold comfort.

Stony Stork and Roby Doby bailed out in fully-charged armor, with guns as loaded as they could get. The two heroes had an easy target-selection field: everything airborne that wasn't familiar, was fair game. Doc Slippage, the elite Brazilian troops, and a company of ex-Pukedemons, all deployed shooting, again with no complex problems in friend-or-foe recognition. As many of them as could find clear lines of fire, took shots at the number-one enemy. Irina Beriya had found a place among them too; but for Tapidri's sake, she was looking for any chance to shoot Granny Rudeness.

The spirit kookaburra made one last announcement in mid-battle: he had guided some additional good guys to this planet, good guys who had never even heard of Awkwardlisp or Twerpseid before-- but who had been made to understand which side they should help. They were human, and would be landing two miles to the rear of the current opposition.

These were Starship Grunts, the Applejackers of the Movable Infantry, and a spirit of never-despairing goodness was coming with them. They were armed with nothing more advanced than machine guns and rocket launchers, but they would wield these with deadly professionalism, and they had brought plenty of ammunition to the party.

Amid all of this, Erica Vincent kept charging back at Twerpseid, and charging back. What broke the immortal fiend's complacency was when he unleashed his direction-changing death rays at Erica..... and no matter which side his beams hit her from, she was unaffected.

When he had fled from Urth's Justified League, Twerpseid had felt a degree of fear; but now he was just plain terrified of Erica Vincent. his emergency jet-pack had been disabled by hostile fire, so he ran. All the while, he desperately shot more corner-turning death rays over his shoulders at his pursuer. She still could not be stopped.

Then some sort of human airborne troops began dropping to the toxic soil ahead of him. As fast as they landed, they fanned out. Even in a state of abject fright, Twerpseid's military instincts informed him that these new arrivals were on the side of his foes from Earth-Whichever..... and THEY had the military instincts to place themselves where their own shooting wouldn't hit their allies.

Twerpseid turned his ultimate weapon against these newcomers, and THEY at least were not immune. Eight of them perished in one sweep; but then return fire deluged against Twerpseid. The bullets, and even the armor-piercing rockets, could not seriously wound Twerpseid, but they did throw him off balance.

Which was all Erica needed to overtake the master villain and resume battering him with her fists.

And a mystical spirit-bird had informed Juan Ricosuave that this particular woman both was on the side of good..... and could not be hurt by any of their weapons, therefore they could go on shooting without worry. So the Starship Grunts did go on shooting at Twerpseid, trying their best to keep him staggering so he couldn't escape from this avenging angel of justice. Once they had a rhythm of sorts for this purpose, Lizzy Florist led part of the infantry force PAST Twerpseid, to assist the other good guys.


 
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Grrrryll and Kamelbakk figured out the well-duh that their father and sovereign was in trouble, and hastened to help him. This brought them under fire from the Starship Grunts, which hampered them only a little. Throwing themselves at Erica, they only found her moving three times as fast, her fists hammering all three Awkwardlispans royals like meteors.

Corin brought his ship into position to shoot down any hostile aircraft which tried to help Twerpseid. The Applejackers' rocket launchers were able to contribute to this. Iron Gent and Fighting Machine re-boarded the spidery ship on a sheltered side, to reload their weapons. On the ground, meanwhile, Tapidri hauled herself and (yes, it was she) her sister back up to their feet. The sister knew nothing about She-Hunk, but followed Tapidri's lead in running to help the green heroine. Four of the Native Ostralian fighting men died in action, but took many foes out with them; and the remaining tribesmen captured new rayguns as theirs ran out of charge.

Lizzy Florist and her platoon covered the remaining distance to where Jasmine fought. They knew her for certain to be a friendly, and their bullets COULD kill almost all of the monsters and aliens they faced here. When Lizzy's current gun magazine ran empty, Tapidri scooped up an Awkwardlispian raygun, held it up to view, and pointed. "Here's the trigger!"

"Thanks!" Lizzy exclaimed, and soon was burning down hostiles. She soon radioed Juan, passing the word that the beam weapons were worth collecting.

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

Grrrryll and Kamelbakk soon were as desperate as their father. They could neither kill Erica, nor get away from her, and she was tireless. The more she pounded them, the more tireless she BECAME about pounding them. They came to realize that she was not merely defeating them; she was PUNISHING them. Letting them think for an instant that they had a chance, then hurting them still worse. At one point she taunted them: "Not so much fun when YOU'RE helpless, is it?"

All three wicked aliens tried to hogpile Erica and immobilize her; but she simply hit them even harder, sending them all sprawling again.

Kamelbakk was the first of the three to break altogether. "Mercy! Please! Mercy! I give up! Don't kill me! I'll do anything you say!" His sister and their father were not slow to add their own begging. Erica gave each of them, in the order as they had started pleading, a contemptuous backhand hit across the face.

"Why should I even PERMIT you to surrender? Get up and FIGHT, you cowards!"

"No, no, please, we surrender, please, mercy, mercy," etc.

Erica stepped away a few paces, ignoring enemy laser shots which hit her without making any difference. "All right, You have ONE chance to save your worthless lives. Command ALL of your people to surrender at once, and I mean all over this planet! If even ONE of your people keeps on fighting after hearing the call to surrender, YOU will die as slowly and terribly as I can manage." Before the three evil royals could even begin to comply, Erica put out a hurried call on her own side's frequency, and on what seemed to be the Applejackers' channel.

"Attention all good guys! Attention all good guys! The bad guys may be about to surrender! Stay alert and watch! Don't get careless, but if they want to surrender, LET THEM surrender!"

Lizzy Florist and the soldiers with her drew close to witness what would follow. After the three defeated super-villains had obeyed what Erica commanded, she said to them. "I sense that you are not attempting any treachery. On this condition, I give you my word that you WILL receive mercy. Hold still now, don't move. What I am about to do will not kill you. Far from it, what I do will make it so that we CAN AFFORD to keep you alive."

She grasped Twerpseid's head between her hands, and he seemed to shrink in size a little. She did the same to Kamelbakk, then to Grrrryll. "I have just removed your powers. For the rest of your flesh-and-blood existence, you will have ONLY the same strength as an average human being, relative to your body size. And no special powers at all." She spoke into her earbug radio: "Has Trippenwonk been taken into custody?"

A Yes reply came from Roby Doby. "Good," said Erica. "He's the next strongest after Twerpseid, so bring him to me." Soon Trippenwonk was also de-powered. Then Erica gazed into the sky, and spoke in a supernaturally loving voice:

"Preston, my darling, I imagine you won't object to hearing from me one more time. It turns out that I have one MORE gift for you before I ascend into Heaven. It will certainly help you to keep our son and his eventual GOOD stepmother safe.

"YOU are about to receive, permanently, all the combined strength of the four mightiest surviving leaders of our evil enemies. In you, this power will do only good, and you will intuitively know how to use your new abilities. The most unusual ability you receive will be to shoot out eye-beams which can chase a target around corners; but as you use them, the beams will only temporarily paralyze your enemies, not kill them.

"Here it comes, my darling---! Now, you are by far the most powerful being on our Earth. And since you didn't expect to need a superhero name, I give you one. Preston Vincent, my beloved for all eternity, I name you.... TRUTHSIDE."
 
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Erica could already see the kookaburra hovering, waiting to escort her to her Heavenly reward. But a slight nuisance was to interrupt her farewells to nearby friends. What looked like a Greco-Roman Santa Claus materialized between her and the de-powered Awkwardlispians, exclaiming:

"Wait! No fighting! Cosmic balance! Peace! Acceptance! Love! Poetry! Hope and change! Tofu! Public transportation! Universal unionized unity! Everyone's the same! Both sides are guilty! Don't be as bad as your enemies! Forward! Equity! Negotiate! Come together!"

"Who are you?" asked Erica, knowing for sure that whoever this was, he definitely WASN'T God.

One of the former Pukedemons who had come along on the counter-invasion, an African-looking man who could have taken over for the late Chad Bozeman in the role of Black Panther T'Challa, came up beside the undead heroine. "That, my friend, is Highfyver, the bubblegum lord of New Laziness. He practices what Golden Rakshasa and Flying Elephant would recognize as the Yoga of Non-Action: does nothing for anyone, while Twerpseid attacks anyone he wants to attack."

"Not any more," Erica told the re-humanized man. "Twerpseid will never again be able to attack anything tougher than a pizza box."

The black man advanced toward Highfyver. "You never set ME, or anyone else, free from the Pukedemon curse. What good are you?"

Highfyver gathered his dignity. "I embody the all-ness of the everything-ness."

"That, and a dollar, will buy my husband a cup of coffee," snapped Erica.

Just then, an amplified voice boomed from the Shadything ship. "Mister Highfyver," said Corin Webber, I know a way that you can make yourself useful. I have been given the mission of preserving a treasure of technology which, without being controlled by the good, would by itself return to evil. How about if you take these de-activated super-beings back to your own world, and make sure they STAY harmless?"

"Now, that sounds good," remarked the black man. "Teach them to build toothpick castles."

"Yes, I like it too," echoed Erica, and faced Highfyver. "Go for it, old guy. Make those creeps your house guests. Just remember: in case you start trying to persuade good guys everywhere to go belly-up for evil, I'm leaving a man on Earth who is now something like three times as powerful as YOU are, and he'll see to it that you get laughed off of our planet. As for you, Twerpseid, remember that MY beloved now has all of YOUR powers, and you'll NEVER get them back."

With this loose end tied up, Erica could finally say goodbye to people who mattered. This included urging Stony Stork to meet with her superhero husband about future cooperation. Stony would also talk as much as possible with the Starship Grunts, because THEIR space technology seemed much more likely for his Earth to be able to imitate than what Corin's ship represented (even if there had not been the matter of lingering evil).

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Irina Beriya was, in fact, far from an unattractive woman. But when she beheld Tapidri and a nearly-identical blue-haired, blue-skinned beauty absolutely glued to each other, she felt small, insignificant. Tapidri, however, did not wish her to feel any such way.

"Irina dear, this is my sister Tarvili Drifla. We were both forcibly conscripted by Granny Rudeness years ago, but Granny separated us early on, then made each of us believe the other one had died. Tarvili was stationed at Awkwardlisp's south pole, for specialized training in cold-weather operations."

Irina extended a hand toward Tarvili. "You would have use for THAT specialty where I come from."

Instead of shaking hands, Tarvili peeled herself loose from Tapidri, fiercely embraced Irina, and kissed her as feelingly as Tapidri had ever done. When emerging from this, she told Irina, "My sister has already told me, if briefly, that YOU did much to restore her to natural feeling, to remind her that there was such a thing as affection. And anyone my sister loves, I also love."

Suddenly, Irina felt two hands touching her shoulders from behind: the hands of Jasmine Waterford, not in her She-Hunk shape. Resting her triple chin on Irina's right shoulder, Jasmine addressed the blue sisters:

"Irina did much the same for me. She befriended me BEFORE she knew me as anything other than a grumpy, man-hating, bitter-souled snapping turtle." (Neither of the blue beauties had any idea what a snapping turtle was, but they got the idea.) "She took a liking to me before she ever knew I could be attractive to the eye; and I'll never forget that." She turned Irina around now, to face her directly, so they would speak more exclusively to each other.

"Lovely Irina, Stony is already pulling strings to get approval for YOU not to have to return to Stalingrad. After what's happened, your government is more open than it's been in decades to being friendly with Western countries. You are in a perfect position to become some sort of inter-military contact officer, thus not bearing any stigma of desertion. And, for the coming five months before Jimmy and I get married, you really should be living in shared quarters with someone in the Western defense establishment."

Irina blinked.

"I mean living with ME, silly!" exclaimed Jasmine. "Every morning of those five months, you'll see me AS Jasmine at the start and the end of each day; and I'll be reassured that someone can look at me in THAT form, without being disgusted."

"Never disgusted by you, darling," replied Irina, throwing her arms around Jasmine's neck.

Meanwhile, Doc Slippage asked Jimmy Strum, "Where is that nasty character they called Granny Rudeness? The one who trained women to be mindlessly cruel?""

Jimmy pointed to the north-by-northeast. "She's over there." Then he pointed northeast. "She's also over there." Next he pointed east-by-northeast. "There's one piece just a hundred yards that way, and another piece farther off in the same direction." Then due east: "She's that way too." East-by-southeast: "And that way......"

"I guess she didn't make herself terribly popular."

"Well, I understand there WAS quite a competition to get close to her."
 
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COMMENCE CHANGES OF SCENE!

On Seedubb Earth, at Spark Laboratories in Generic Large City, Cyberdork and Spiderweb-Man were showing the research projects to Lady Jazzica Ashtrayides and her companions from Planet Srirachiss. Trala-Lalia and Bunkem Isotope simultaneously plied Jazzica with questions about events back home, and were intrigued about the late Muddy-Drip appearing specially to Count Havabeer. This incident being true as Jazzica verified, Trala and Bunkem's opinion of the Imperial swordsman improved by orders of magnitude.

Cyborg did not speak out loud very much during the tour; he was in constant, soundless communication with Bot Index. He had become fully certain that the lady robot WAS a sapient being, DID have real feelings, and WAS herself deeply drawn to him.

Between times of discussing the projects, talk arose about the ways in which Lazytaxie science so nearly duplicated magic. Trala could never totally disapprove of the Goulash cloning process, given that it was ONLY this very process which had brought the slain Bunkem back to life, so he could be alive to marry her after she grew old enough to BE married.

Out of the blue, Spiderweb-Man said to Jazzica, "Why didn't you get a Goulash made of your first son, Groan Starr and Trala's brother?"

"Even if we had possessed confirmed genetic material for him, which we didn't, it would have been particularly unnatural in his case."

"Why so?"

"Because Muddy-Drip kept reappearing for months. If we had a Goulash of him standing there, and THEN he appeared supernaturally besides that, which one would have been more truly Muddy-Drip?"

"Oh, yeah, got it. Sorry for being so stupid."

Jazzica patted Spiderweb-Man's shoulder. "Don't feel bad. It's a big universe, with a lot of mysteries and what-all."

"You're a good lady. No wonder Duke Neato the Pure-Hearted and Generally Likeable adored you so much.." All at once, the young man brightened. "You know, if you ever feel as if you could marry again, I think you'd be perfect for Doctor Unusual. We know magical people can fall in love and get married like anyone else."

Groan Starr, Vixen, Puke, Bot Index, Trala, Bunkem and Havabeer all winced, though Spiderweb-Man seemed unaware of having said anything awkward. Jazzica was the least disturbed of all those present.

"That's a reasonable speculation, young man. I don't happen to be romantically involved with anyone; the longevity we get from The Jalapeno gives us more time to wait. If I were looking now, yes, a man with special talents could be a suitable mate. But is there a particular cause why this line of thought occurred to you?"

"Um, well, Zoorama."

"The lovely black-haired good witch?"

"Yes, her. She, well, believed that from her viewpoint, a man with no magic powers could still gain her love and respect as long as he had his own strengths. Looking at it the other way, she believed that such a man wouldn't be intimidated by her magic. She actually went away to another Earth, not one we're acquainted with. Hard to be sure, but we believe she DID find a man she could love."

Jazzica smiled. "I wish her and this unknown man all the best."

 
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On the planet Latterdawn, which had the former Moon of one Earth now orbiting it, the Moonbase Alpo colonists had something worse to worry about than the local flesh-eating insects. Their whole sky was filled with the horrifying sight of Galactikang, the heartless devourer of inhabited planets. "Inferior insects," he boomed out, all around the colony planet's atmosphere, "it's all your fault for not being super-evolved everything-doers of the universe. You obviously deserve to be wiped out!"

"No, Galacticreep," replied a higher-pitched voice. "It's all YOUR fault, for not using your super-duperness to FIND a way to be nourished without exterminating innocent people. But no more! It's you who deserve to die, and it's you who WILL die now!"

Galactikang barely had time to look toward the second voice, before a flood of blazing heat and light washed over him. Screaming with indescribable pain and helpless fear, he struggled in vain, and perished in utter humiliation.

A moment later, the Latterdawn pioneers caught sight of the one who had saved their lives. It was the blazingly beautiful girl known as Marysuefire. Standing before them, she spoke in a more normal voice:

"Commander Foote, Doctor Brainy, Versaderma, and all of you, I'm very pleased to have been able to protect you. I'm pleased that the universe is rid of that evil monster. And-- as an unforeseen side benefit-- I've just realized that MY biggest problem has been solved. You see, my powers have been so over-powerful, that I've needed to avoid inhabited planets, so that I won't accidentally destroy them, But now I can tell that, in killing Galactikang, I have permanently REDUCED my own power level! This is better news than you may understand; now I can go BACK to people I know and love."

"I hope you'll visit US again sometime," replied Barbara Brainy; "the more so since Lucy Luminous moved along."

Marysuefire's smile was like a sunrise. "Barring any unforeseeable calamity, I promise I will visit you again."
 
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