Spacebullies Two: The Search For More Parody

In the Bubblewrap Five reality, Galactic Alliance President Bruce Loxbagel and his Mintcandybarri-but-with-hair wife Deelyte had been on this reality's Earth for many days. In that time, Deelyte had never missed an opportunity to lecture humans about how THEY needed to stop "hating everyone who is different." But humans always bore her lecturing very graciously, for several reasons:

ONE: She spoke always in a mild, non-belligerent voice.

TWO: Her being married to the war hero Bruce Loxbagel-- who, besides Jack Playfair, was the only human officer to win any victory in space against the Mintcandybarri in the lopsided war --amounted to HIS endorsement of her.

THREE: Deelyte was well known to have helped Earth by helping the Alliance against Shadythings and other evils.

FOUR: She was so elegantly beautiful to behold.

Now their stay on Earth was finished; and they had spent equal time on Mintcandybar just previously. So now they owed it to all the loyal people on the multi-racial space station to stay there again for a while.

Captain Elizabeth Broccoli saw to it that that Bruce and Deelyte were welcomed aboard with great ceremony. Deelyte felt no annoyance at seeing Elizabeth, nor Elizabeth any anxiety at seeing Deelyte, because in this story-reality Elizabeth NEVER HAD been married to Bruce and then broken up with him and then sided with the Neo-Nazis who took over Earth and then bragged about doing so even after Bruce defeated the Neo-Nazis with Deelyte's help.

Flanked by Ambassadors J'Unkycar and Veesix Lotto, Elizabeth stepped up front and center.

"Mister President, Ambassador Deelyte, welcome back to your other home. When you emerged from hyperspace, were you contacted by Drool on Upsydaisylon?"

"Very briefly, Captain. He told us only that, when we were ready, he wanted us, with your top officers and the leading ambassadors, to gather in the secure conference room, where he will appear holographically and speak with us. He assures me that this is not about any new danger hovering over Bubblewrap Five, but says it is something we ought to know."

"Nothing more specific than that?"

"Not yet."

\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \

When it got specific, the Loxbagels were in for an unpleasant surprise, to be followed by a merciful one.

Drool began by showing himself as usual.

Mister President, and all of you: I have the conclusive answer to who crippled the Mintcandybarri freighter without hurting anyone. Now that I know, I am at least a little surprised that he DIDN'T hurt anyone. The more I think about his fate, the more impressed I am with him for NOT giving in to vengeful resentment. And I am not certain that he WON'T fall into the pit even now. I say most solemnly now that ALL of you now have the opportunity to help him salvage his humanity."

The image of Drool hung his head, seemingly in shame. "Yes, I said his humanity."

Deelyte might be pompous, but she was not slow on the uptake. Rising from her seat, she exclaimed: "Lieutenant Corin Webber! Is that you?"

Instantly, Drool's hologram vanished, and was replaced by a visual which caused several persons, including Veesix Lotto, to fall backward, chairs and all. The image of a spider-like Shadything warship was filling the space above the conference table. But the voice which spoke out of this nightmarish image was a human voice, well remembered by Bruce Loxbagel. It was indeed Corin Webber.

"Got it in one, Lady Deelyte of the Dusky Circle. I know it would be easier for you if the Shadythings had just killed me; but it turned out they VALUED me more than you did. I know that you know how Shadythings used to 'recruit' sapient beings to pilot their ships. You and your circle assumed that I didn't have the strength of mind to keep the secret if you HAD let me know. But since you left me to be caught by them in my ignorance, I have proven that yes, I do have that strength! I am in complete autonomous control of this ship. I'm not far away, but far enough to be out of range of the Great Artifact's weapons. After all, the great and wise Drool, who didn't help you when Shadythings menaced your space station, might finally go into action when one of us inferior Earthlings is running the terror-ship.

"YOU know the inferior Earthlings I'm talking about, DEELYTE . The same Earthlings YOU cast the deciding vote to EXTERMINATE. President Loxbagel, did your wife ever mention that little detail to you?" Everyone looked at Deelyte now.

She was ugly-crying, and Bruce gathered her in his arms while answering. "Yes, actually, Deelyte HAS confessed it to me. And I can tell you that she is devoting the rest of her life to trying to make amends for what she did." He paused.

"I'm glad, sir," the voice from the horrible image replied, "that you aren't going overboard making excuses for her. Now comes the good news. In my travels around the galaxy since taking control, I saw examples of people CHANGING from bad to good. Also, I was granted the privilege of using my new power to DO good.

"So here's how it's going to be. Just as I haven't hurt EVEN Mintcandybarri with my new power, so I give you my word-- yeah, MY word means something-- that I will never seek any future payback. Deelyte, don't bother telling me that a man in my position can now be set free; I already know that it can be done. But since I now CAN command the power of this ship, I will endure being in it for a time longer, until I have helped other people in trouble. When I next show up near Bubblewrap Five, we can discuss extracting me from the ship."

Three seconds later, the Shadything ship vanished from all sensors, even Drool's.
 
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On the Earth where singers Jimi Hendrix and Stevie Ray Vaughn had lived much longer, around this time, an aging lady named Madonna Ciccone retired from a long-time job as an obscure midlevel executive at a record company. In the Eighties, Miss Ciccone had made a stab at becoming a pop superstar herself, but not enough people had ever become her fans.

This was because the America of this Earth had a far greater number of sensible people than the America of Original Earth had. The sensible people realized very early that Cyndi Lauper was much better. Miss Lauper, without even wishing to damage anyone else's career, also eclipsed other artists, like the Dixie Chicks and Melissa Etheridge.
 
Now to linger on "Urth" for a while.

The wedding of Tapper Cossack and Aluminum Banshee was staged at Restoration Ranch, and featured singing by Vigilant Cowboy and Lorelei "Black Parakeet" Landis. Thanks to good weather, there had been no difficulty with holding it outdoors. More than three thousand guests attended, including all available members of the Justified League.

One invited person declined the invitation, but not because she wasn't honored to have been asked. Ruby Spruce, the woman who had once walked out on Vigilant Cowboy, stayed away because-- as an e-mail explained-- she didn't want to create any drama which might spoil the occasion. She sent a very respectable gift for the new couple, a set of high-quality linens.

When dancing began at the reception, Dmitri and Lumina did not disappoint their well-wishers. Beginning with the first piece of dance music, the gallant Russian and the exotic ex-villainess literally danced nonstop for the WHOLE time until the musicians put away their instruments.

Even after the music fell silent and the newlyweds bade everyone farewell, many guests lingered. Greg Sutter, as the owner of the property, was in no hurry to chase them away. Far from it, Greg made it known that he had prepared sleeping accommodations for as many as might need them. He was emphatic in telling everyone: "I want every one of y'all to be around for the NEXT wedding that'll take place on this ranch. So if anyone's even a trifle fatigued, I know what can happen on the highways. I, by God, will NOT allow anybody to get killed in a crash on my watch."

After the ranch had mostly fallen quiet, but while some people in attendance were still up and about, Sir Jasper and Stella saw Professor Crazier wheeling up to them. The telepath spoke directly into their brains:

There is a man standing alone outside the north gate of the property right now. I can say with confidence that he is not evil, but I find it unsettling that I cannot read any specific thought in his mind. I'm not even sure WHAT screens his brain, but I feel that it must have something to do with great harm and pain he has endured. Like white noise preventing speech from being heard. Would you two mind coming with me to meet the fellow?

The time-displaced knight and the ultra-gorgeous energy wielder willingly accompanied Charles Crazier to the north gate. Awaiting them there was a man wearing an opera-style cape and a full-face theatrical mask. Eight sturdy daggers were sticking in the ground around the visitor's feet, with a length of chain lying among them..

"Stranger, I see that you have offered a gesture of good faith by temporarily disarming yourself," said Crazier in ordinary voice. "What business brings you to Mister Sutter's property?"

The answering voice was raw and brittle: the voice of someone who had suffered terribly. "Professor, I am aware that many members of the Justified League are present. Most of them, like the Tonkrypians and Moistureman, are accustomed to operating openly and forthrightly. But you, as one who does uncover secrets, understand that secrecy, or its failure, can be vitally important. Clean Hornet is also a hunter of secrets, but he is not here for me to speak with. Superdude, Superhottie, Moistureman, Green Flashlight, Stellar Sapphire, Gleaming Knight, Atomic Scalp, and Flame of Brazil together cannot do anything against an evil force-- if they don't even know to look for it. I did know to look, and the time has come for me to share my knowledge.

"You may call me Squire Vindictive. I am a native of Britain, and a sometime victim of evil schemers. Professor, I shall now deliberately open my mind to you, so you can take in what happened to me, and what I know about those who did it to me....."
 
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In a good neighborhood of Copenhagen, Denmark, stood the luxurious gated house of British expatriate Warner Weezul. Warner, formerly a prosecutor in London, had made it his real career to accept bribes for acquitting the guilty and punishing the innocent. The most lavish bribes had come from some shadowy master criminals calling themselves "The Raincoat Corporation."

Ill-gotten money had enabled Warner to acquire a Danish wife named Fenella, an honest woman who suspected nothing bad about her bridegroom. She had borne him a son named Osvalt in 2016; twin girls, Rilla and Rahel, late in 2017; and a boy named Kennet early in 2019. Vinson Schuyler, one of Warner's worst-wronged victims, now living as the dark-yet-still-decent lone-wolf hero Squire Vindictive, had stalked the Weezul family on a recent night, but had been cured of any wish to take blood-revenge by the sight of the innocent mother and children. They had never noticed their stalker.

On this night, as the family was returning from a dinner party with friends, a surprise awaited them; but this was not such a scary surprise as the earlier-canceled one would have been.

In their living room stood the cloaked, masked man whom they HADN'T seen on that earlier night. Also present was another man, wearing remarkably ordinary clothes including a hooded sweatshirt-- yet wearing a serious-looking SWORD slung over his back. Between the two men stood a black-haired lady, as beautiful as the blonde Fenella but clad in a downright comicbook-ish fashion, A luminous purple gem adhered to her forehead.

The masked man addressed Mister Warner in English: "Prosecutor Weezul, I'm the man you recruited on short notice for a research project a while back; but I am prepared to dismiss all my grievances. To this end, however, you need to listen to the gentleman with the sword."

Sir Jasper the Gleaming Knight, in his life as a Knight of the Round Table, had learned to speak Danish as the language was then; and when Merlin sent him to the 21st century, Jasper's knowledge of Danish had been magically updated just as his English had been. So now Fenella, Osvalt, Rilli and Rahel (Kennet still was a toddler) understood Jasper.

"The three of us belong to the Justified League." Fenella, and Osvalt her first-born, were thrilled to realize what manner of surprise visitors they had. Sir Jasper continued: "You, Prosecutor Weezul, have just become very important to us. From your years of punishing evil men--" (of the family, only Warner understood why Squire Vindictive struggled not to laugh now) "--you have built up knowledge of the criminal underworld. We believe that persons calling themselves The Boardroom of Owls have obtained the means to become a threat even to the high-powered members of the League. If you will assist us, you will gain the lasting friendship of superheroes, and your family will be nothing but proud of you."

Stella uttered something in English. Although she spoke no Danish, Jasper had explained to her ahead of time what he intended to tell Mister Weezul. So she said, "Prosecutor, you surely know that I am a former member of the Super-Gang of Naughty Persons. Thanks to God and to my darling knight in shining armor, I am now on the side of righteousness. This kind of transformation is a real thing. Let us say that the criminals you will help us to uncover-- and others like them-- can also be transformed."
 
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The recruiting of Warner Weezul took place in the evening, by Danish time. Thus it occurred when Cambodia-- now home to several members of the Super-Gang of Naughty Persons-- was in the small hours of the next morning.

In the jungle hideout, the criminal master of precognitive prediction, Doctor Noseypickus, was jarred awake by something. He let out a sort of yelp. That one of his comrades who had taken the most liking to him, the she-devil Red Hot Lamia, soon was at his side. Noseypickus having become accustomed to seeing her in her snake-bodied form, she assumed this form as a way actually to reassure him. Loosely, gently, she flowed around him.

"Peace, be at peace, my dearest prophet and seer. Your Lamia is here. I will do all I can for you, because you give so much to us with your second sight. Recover your strength, and tell me what you saw."

Noseypickus was in fact put at ease by her. Emir Efreet and Sullivan Grungy joined them as the psychic began to explain.

"Do you remember the job we did for The Crocodile Market?" (Your all-knowing author informs you that "Crocodile Market" was another of the business aliases used by the same global conspirators who also used the label "Raincoat Corporation.")

Red Hot Lamia nodded. "Stealing records, laboratory equipment and bacterial samples from biological-warfare facilities."

"What I saw in my new dream was the REASON why Crocodile Market wanted those things. They didn't exactly want to use the items we provided, not even the bacteria."

"So maybe they want to teach their friends how to make people sick?" ventured Sullivan Grungy.

"Excellent, Sullivan! That's actually very close to what I saw."

He hugged Lamia in appreciation of her solicitude for him, then she continued: "The Crocodile Market people want to compare everything we gave them with other people's work and ideas about making disease-weapons. The reason why the vision scared me is not because of the weapons work by itself. What scared me was the idea that the whole world might want to PUNISH US for helping this to succeed."

"Don't people want to punish us anyway?" asked the Frankenstein-ish villain.

"Yes, but they'll try harder to catch us...... if what we did helps The Crocodile Market to make SUPERDUDE AND SUPERHOTTIE get sick."
 
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In the English Channel, very close to England and belonging to it, lay the Isle of Wight. At the center of THIS Earth-variant's version of Wight stood an almost 200-year-old, broad-based stone tower, called the Frankenstadt Tower.

The early female novelist Mary Wollstonecraft Shelly had existed on Urth, and had written her famous horror-tragedy just as on Original Earth. The family who built the tower on Isle of Wight had been fans of Mrs. Shelly's book, and had contemplated naming their place exactly for the novel, but had finally opted to give it only a similar name.

The pseudo-medieval tower was the location of the events which had triggered Noseypickus' psychic alarm.

The current owner of the Frankenstadt Tower went by the name Falconette Gowdy Gowdy, born Fastrada Gowdy Gowdy. She had changed her first name as a teenager, after learning that female falcons were bigger than the males who were properly called tiercels. The Gowdies were the creators of Frankenstadt. The reason for the doubled surname was because the Gowdy family always managed to have at least two sons in every new generation. Falconette, and her late husband Parsifal Gowdy, had come from parallel family lines, and had been only third cousins to each other, thus not seriously consanguineous. They had enjoyed what seemed like a happy marriage: happy-seeming enough so no one ever guessed that Falconette had murdered her husband when he had been twenty-four and she twenty-five.

But she had been a nice mother, and had not slain her one child. Renfrew Gowdy, at the age of sixteen months, had been given up for adoption to Parsifal's elder sister Charlotte Gowdy Shore and her husband Walter Shore. This had left Falconette free to embark on a career she had long imagined: using the tower, which Parsifal had kept in good repair, as a sort of hotel for clients of HER accepting.

Thanks in part to university friends, the merry widow had soon been able to attract customers and establish a routine. Just enough normal groups of people used the place, to prevent it from looking shady to the general public.

The real money for Falconette came from the not-so-normal groups. Above all, a group calling itself the Hound Breeders' Club, which was really one and the same group as the Boardroom of Owls, the latter name never being mentioned to Falconette. With the Hound Breeders, and with several unrelated gangs or terror cells, the routine was established and efficient. The organization would book a "conference" at the tower under a fake name; Falconette would never know who the participants really were, nor what would be discussed at their meetings. By the guests knowing that their hostess didn't care who they were, they felt safe, and they felt no need ever to silence their well-paid hostess permanently. So everyone gained by the arrangement.

The moment of night in Cambodia, when Doctor Noseypickus had been startled awake, had been daytime on the Isle of Wight. At Frankenstadt, the same organization which had once experimented on Schuyler Vinson (and created a bitter enemy for themselves) had in fact been brainstorming what Noseypickus sensed: the prospect of using Tonkrypian DNA to devise pathogens which would be harmless to humans, but deadly to Corky Klint and his cousin Clara.

 
The east-facing main gate of Restoration Ranch was not especially decorated on Ruby Spruce's account., except in an understated fashion. Greg Sutter, The song "Tie A Yellow Ribbon" existed on Urth, and Vigilant Cowboy Greg Sutter knew that Ruby knew the song and its meaning. The bars and posts of the gate, plus branches of the nearer trees, had yellow ribbons on them.

None of the ribbons was huge, but the low-angle dawn light made them stand out. They were visible enough to the red-haired woman driving her cobalt-blue Jeep toward the gate. She knew the routines of Greg's ranch, although he had not yet made it a dedicated therapy center at the time she left him. She knew that even by ranch routines, she was arriving at least fifteen minutes before the children's breakfast. (It was summer by now, and this Earth-variant had discarded Daylight Savings Time long ago, putting summer sunrise at a really early true time.)

Emerging from her Jeep, Ruby was revealed to be wearing the Stetson hat which Greg had entrusted to her, with deliberately ordinary clothes the rest of the way down: a plain button-down blouse, not-excessively tight blue jeans, and comfortable hiking shoes. These details were, for the moment, being seen by only one fellow human being: Taffy, the teenage girl from the Restoration staff who was especially diligent about mastering every aspect of ranch operations. Taffy had clearly been assigned, or had asked for the chance, to meet Ruby coming in.

"Good morning, Taffy."

Taffy's face, right now, looked more like a confident adult's face than did the face of the woman who was twice her age. "Good mornin' and the peace of Jesus Christ to you, Ruby. I both wish and expect for everything to happen just like you want it to. Still, I'll be more satisfied if I get to make my little speech."

"And I owe a listening ear to anyone who is so loyal to Greg as you are."

"Your implied rebuke to yourself ain't necessary, but it does demonstrate humility. So here goes the speech.

"Like I say, I'm for you, 'cause I feel sure that you'll make Mister Sutter happy. He gives and gives and gives, and he deserves to be happy if any man on Urth deserves it. Only, to keep the picture clear for you: where marriage is concerned, the jefe has OPTIONS, more options than he realizes, 'cause he's never been stuck up. As of this moment, among all unattached females from age fifteen through forty-five who've got any connection at all with Restoration Ranch, or who met Mister Sutter in his gigs as a rodeo rider or a superhero or a guitar-picker, YOU WILL NOT FIND even one woman who WOULDN'T marry him in a minute if he asked. This ain't said to make you worry, but to show you that if the jefe takes you back, you're bein' granted a very high honor. He won't rub your nose in it, but it IS an honor."

Taffy, as Ruby knew already, was SIX-teen years old.

"I know that very well, Taffy. All I can do is try to be worthy of Greg."

Taffy suddenly hugged the adult woman. "I believe you. I know Professor Crazier gave you his thumbs-up. And as long as we know you're tryin' for real, all of us here will root for you and support you any way we can."
 
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The next person Ruby saw was, at this moment, the only person awaiting her in the front room, and a joy for the worried woman to behold. It was Aluminum Banshee, now Mrs. Lumina Tarasova. The ex-villainess had no time even to say hello before her friend sprang upon her and practically squeezed the breath out of her, as both women wept.

Hugging Ruby just as hard in return, Lumina murmured, "I'm going to stray from the plan a little. Don't tell Greg or Dmitri! Greg said he didn't want to stage a big encounter-- he said 'like a loving version of a gunslinger showdown.' He already plans to marry you; he's going to offer you six options for honeymoon trips. But he guesses that you'll feel more at ease if he tones down putting you in the spotlight. He's keeping a chair vacant for you, beside his own, at the breakfast table. He plans to bypass the 'showdown moment,' and talk casually as if the moment already happened."

Pulling her head back a bit from Lumina's left shoulder, Ruby leaned her forehead against Lumina's. "Does everyone seated in the chow hall know that he intends to marry me?"

Lumina tightened her arms around Ruby, as if afraid she would run away. "Please tell me you're not taking offense!"

Ruby kissed her by way of reassurance. "No, not at all! This plan's a surprise; I did expect the showdown-like moment; but even if I did think this way was out of line, I would OWE IT to Greg to accept his plan, after I hurt him so badly."

"All right, I'm glad you're gracious about it."

"Thank you, Lu. Now, do you think I should let him know that I know?"

"Probably. I don't know how successful you'd be at hiding it."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When Ruby entered the chow hall closely followed by Lumina, everyone seated at the tables quietly rose to their feet.

Meeting Greg's gaze, Ruby drew a long breath. She had resolved to admit she knew the plan, but also to provide a bit of how the "showdown moment" might have gone. Calmly at first: "Greg, please don't be annoyed with Lumina; she just wanted to prevent our moment from being spoiled by confusion. So let's pretend you chose the regular Housemark Channel movie approach, and asked me to marry you. Here's where I tearfully answer yes"-- and she WAS tearful now.

"Like this: YESSS!!" Ruby moved as quickly as the crowded room would allow, to get within reach and kiss Greg for the first time since before she had left him. They were still kissing three minutes later, when the cheering finally stopped.

When she stopped kissing him so she could take her seat for breakfast, Ruby noticed that Greg WASN'T weeping. At this instant, a voice inside her snarled: Look at how cold and hard he is! He doesn't love you, he just wants to stroke his little-boy ego by claiming you as property! He wants to punish you by expecting you to become a mother! He wants you to spend your best years apologizing to him and obeying orders, when all you did was act like an empowered woman! Be strong! Be a goddess! Marry him, but start refusing him affection after the first month! Pry money out of him for the next four or five years, then leave him without a word! Make him hear you roar!! Fight the patriarchy! Girl power girl power girl power!

For two and a half seconds, Ruby's heart listened to this externally-originating tirade. But then she glanced around the chow hall. Yes, Greg was calm and self-controlled by temperament..... but EVERY person in this room, females included, had benefited repeatedly from the Vigilant Cowboy's overflowing generosity and compassion. Far from ruining his kindness, Greg's emotional discipline made it more effective.

Ruby's true innermost being retorted: No, you DON'T, evil spirit! I won't let you fool me THIS time! I love the man who deserves my love, I'll be a faithful wife to him, and YOU LOSE!

Then she began eating ham and pancakes, accompanied by tea and orange juice, while eagerly looking at Greg's honeymoon-resort brochures.

Greg had intentionally chosen unusual destinations; the only European country on the list was Finland.

Ruby finally decided she would like to see......

Cambodia.
 
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Most of the morning after breakfast was devoted to a long trail ride for intermediate- and advanced-level riders. The next ranch west of Restoration, called Three Creeks Ranch, had an agreement with Greg, that trail rides for "Sutter's Kids" could continue beyond Restoration range, on a defined route which ran ten miles into the neighbor's land and then looped back. Restoration guests were instructed on these excursions to leave cellphones behind, but ranch personnel carried them in case of emergencies.

Greg Sutter carried something else too: his own artillery. A classic Winchester lever-action rifle, and custom-designed revolvers in place of his usual .44 magnums. The special handguns had cylinders holding only four rounds each, and those rounds were SIXTY caliber, in the buffalo-gun zone. They were designed against the contingency of meeting aggressive bears. Greg didn't go hunting bears on purpose; but he and his work force had twice dined on the strong-flavored flesh of bears which had threatened humans or livestock.

Guests were allowed to try bear meat if they wished; there still was some of that meat in the deep-freeze, left from the second bear. But most young people didn't like it. Be that as it might, Greg knew that it WASN'T strictly true that bears NEVER attacked people without provocation.

No bears even came within sight on today's ride; but their existence lent importance to the lessons Greg and his staff taught about keeping campsites clean. Their lunch was built on venison jerky, trail mix and dried fruit, which spared them from concerns with fire. While they relaxed (with ranch dogs mounting guard), Ruby began to receive questions from the older kids on the excursion.

The very oldest kids present asked questions which The Dancing Lawn would not post, so Ruby answered those questions outside of this post. Then slightly younger kids began raising questions, and the conversation became post-able again.

A girl asked, "Before you decided you wanted to get Mister Sutter back, did you talk to any women who were where you were?"

"Plenty of them! With plenty of stories to tell, going different directions. There were women who said their breakup was their fault, and they meant it. Others told me the same thing, but they didn't mean it, they just thought people expected them to say it. Some told me it was all the man's fault, and they were right. Others who blamed the man were lying to cover up what THEY had done to break the relationship."

A boy asked out of nowhere: "Did your cancer ever come back?"

"No, it didn't. But I did a little volunteering at a hospice, and met other cancer patients. Before anyone asks, yes, Superdude came over there too, and cured other people's cancer the way he cured mine."

"Which," interjected Greg, "is a good place to emphasize that I owe Superdude a debt of gratitude for keepin' her alive."

Tapper Cossack, whose interest in psychology had helped him to win Aluminum Banshee's heart, asked the most mature question of the gathering. "You said you met other women who had been through breakups. Did you see any of them RESTORING the broken relationships? And if you did, were there any special behaviors you observed?"

"Yes and yes, Dmitri. I found out about something called 'hysterical bonding'." She tried to make what followed understandable for the children present. "This means when the people who broke up want to get back together, but they move too fast. They try to pretend that the problems which pushed them apart have already been solved, when the problems really HAVEN'T been solved yet." She looked at Greg. "When Mister Sutter asked me to take a waiting period, he was protecting us both from hysterical bonding."
 
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Change of scene

For purposes of distinction, the home world of the Starship Grunts (Juan Ricosuave, Lizzy Florist & Co.) can reasonably be referred to as Federal Earth. The planetary and system-wide government of this Earth was a republic of sorts, in which the rights to vote and hold public office were at once restricted and available.

Everyone on Federal Earth and its colonies enjoyed substantial freedoms to speak, to use media, to assemble peacefully, to travel, to own property, to make healthcare decisions, and to choose careers. Only the rights to vote and to enter politics were limited-- yet available. Any man or woman in this federation could acquire those last two rights..... by entering "federal service."

Federal service was not limited to the armed forces. No one was required to KILL in order to earn full citizenship, but each aspirant was required to FACE DANGER for the good of the community, over a term of at least two years. Various risky disaster-response duties, for instance, qualified as paths to full citizenship.

The civilization defended by the Movable Infantry had many elements in common with the far-off Republic of Lots of Worlds, while having hardly anything in common with the monarchy of Hallpasscard; but Federal Earth was about to be contacted by both of those other civilizations at the same time.

This variant of the Original Earth solar system possessed a very similar frontier of dwarf planets. On several of these dwarf planets, permanent observation posts kept watch against the two possible space-attack forms of the Creepycrawlids: loose asteroids, and suspension-globes full of Creepycrawlids themselves, either one being projected through hyperspace by the dominant Psionic Bugs. System-edge observation-post duty carried enough hazards to count toward full citizenship.

The executive officer of one of these lookout stations was Second Lieutenant Priscilla Wejad, a woman of Mauritanian ancestry, She was on command duty while her commander, Lieutenant First Class Lorraine Jones, was asleep. Having inspected all environmental systems, Priscilla began to eat lunch.

It was a super-predictable plot device in movies for characters to start eating, and then be interrupted by something dramatic. But this wasn't a movie, it was a Dancing Lawn story which wanted to mix a few serious points with casual humor. Therefore, Priscilla had time to finish eating, and even to brush her teeth, before Tech Sergeant Benito Javier called out a sensor contact:

"Three spacecraft shifting out of hyperspace, out-system, zero-two-six, three-five-one, distance to shift point five-three-eight-four-seven-seven kilometers. All contacts proceeding in-system, not steering for our position, project closest point of approach bearing zero-eight-eight, distance at bypass one-three-seven-two kilometers. Leading contact, unconventional configuration, doesn't match any known design. Second spacecraft, normal configuration. First and second contacts are smaller than anything we have that can go hyperspace on own power. Third shift, also normal configuration, this one large enough to possess autonomous hyperspace plant. None of the arrivals resembles anything the Creepycrawlids have ever put into space. No indications of hostile intent."

From a workstation beside Benito's, Radio Monitor Steve Arawak added. "All three incoming units are in comms with each other. I am transmitting regulation hailing signals on all frequencies."

Less than two minutes later, a reply came from the largest of the three spacecraft:

"Calling all human, humanoid or otherwise sapient beings! Answering your hail. My name is Pro Dashalong, and I am transmitting by Plotline-Convenient Language-Barrier-Crossing All-Purpose-Just-Because Radio System. We represent the Republic of Lots of Worlds, and the autonomous planetoid Hallpasscard. Request your guidance for how to implement first contact."
 
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On board the magical cabin cruiser, the magic-eyes fixture enabled the Hallpasscardians to listen in on Pro Dashalong's introductory call to the system authorities. It was confirmed that the oxygen-and-water planet in the system was a definite Earth-variant. The magic eyes also allowed them, and Mopey-One Kanoli who was linked up through his droid Eight-Ball, to zoom in and see the ships in parking orbit around Earth.

Mopey-One called Thorpe to remark: "From what you've told me about your people's interaction with space-traveling races, the ships here seem to be inside a development gap as compared to your experience."

Thorpe looked at the A-Frame fighter-bomber in which the up-side hero sat. "If you mean that we're familiar with ships either more advanced or less advanced than these, you're right. Some worlds, if having any space flight, have it only inside their home system. Thus with our neighboring Mediumgard. Next rung up from that: one time, Sniff, Ballwun and I came to the assistance of a non-human slower-than-light hibernation ship whose long-term life support was in danger of breaking down. They're still on course to this day, after the repairs we made. At the other end, we've heard tell of some ships which can cross distance even easier than yours.

"As for this human population, our ship's magic eyes assess that these local ships represent an intermediate stage in faster-than-light travel. That is, they're efficient enough to make round trips to other stars without the whole crew celebrating birthdays before they come home; but forget about any same-day interstellar tours."

"It has occurred to me," Sniff remarked, "that the Actual God has exercised some kindly arranging of the locations of spacefaring peoples. The ships belonging to this Earth are advanced enough to catch the notice of more advanced worlds, yet not advanced ENOUGH to survive in case those other worlds proved hostile. And Master Yoga-Rug says he's sure that there AREN'T any such more-capable worlds close to this one."

"She's right," said Fratbro. "Their wide removal from other civilized solar systems gives them a grace period, in which they can grow MORE sophisticated in their technology."

"On the other hand," Thorpe observed, "we find that all the ships parked around this Earth ARE armed. So they might have some kind of enemies nearby who AREN'T strong enough to destroy them outright, yet who are strong enough to require human military action."

Captain Dashalong, meanwhile, was handling the prosaic business of asking permission to land someplace. This caused some confusion, since no lightspeed-capable ship manufactured by "Federal" Earth industry was able to land in a planetary gravity well. They always used shuttles. Even the Spacebullies reality was not yet proficient with teleportation; so a civilization which still made its soldiers use bullet-guns could be pardoned for not being able to "beam people down."

When Pro finally made it clear that HIS people (and the Hallpasscardians) could land a lightspeed-capable ship directly on a planet, he was instructed that all three ships of his little convoy should land at Montevideo International Aerospace Port in Uruguay.
 
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Being the two most powerful individuals in the visiting party, Thorpe and Yoga-Rug stepped onto the airfield pavement first. Mopey-One, his droid Eight-Ball, Lady Sniff and Pro came up behind them. A wheeled vehicle, not a hover-anything, drove up to them, with only two uniformed men in it. The passenger wore a greatcoat (it was winter here in Uruguay), and seemed like a high-ranking officer. Only the senior officer got out of the car.

Looking at Yoga-Rug, he calmly said, "Thank you for not blocking my scan. You are called Yoga-Rug, and you were an adult when my great-great-great-grandparents were babies. You just confirmed by your own mental powers that my intentions are friendly, which they are; but you are not sufficiently telepathic to know my name. I am Brigadier Earl Pufferton, Human Federation Unified Services General Staff. I was one of the soonest persons informed when THAT captain called us." He pointed at Pro, then looked at Thorpe. "And this big demi-human warrior is unconcerned about my mind-reading. First, because he has encountered telepaths before; second, because he correctly judges that I can't read a stranger's mind from a great distance; third, because he knows that I know that his intentions are also friendly; and fourth, because he knows that if he suddenly saw the need to kill me, he would be able to swing that battleaxe all the way through my body before my knowledge of his intention could do me any good.

"Pretty much the same for that female of his race. Lady--Sniff, is it?" Brigadier Pufferton's next words were absurdly casual, as if he could not imagine that they would have an impact. "Sniff, please dismiss worry from your mind. It's only in silly stories that Thorpe could prefer any other woman over you for an instant. He simply wants your world-- Helpuscrowd?-- and its neighboring world Mediumgard, to be safe, before you and he settle down and start a family."

Eyes wide, Sniff hurried around in front of Thorpe, then pulled him some distance to one side for a lively (but not angry) talk. Earl Pufferton, meanwhile, turned his attention to Mopey-One. "Yes, Master Kanoli, I heard the thought you deliberately sent to me just now. Your guess is correct, that I hope for some kind of help from you newcomers. Would all of you, and the rest of your combined crew, please accompany me to that building over there? I will send the basic facts to ALL of your brains as we go, but then we'll have a more detailed conversation with my next-higher officer."

( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( (

The basic facts were these:

Barely four days before the arrival of Thorpe and his friends, Federal Earth had been visited by the first aliens, other than Creepycrawlids, that anyone here had ever met or heard of. The aliens had been human, but from a civilization further advanced in galactic travel than the Human Federation was. There had been a large starship which parked in orbit, farther out than the local warships, and a landing shuttle. Federation officials had met only three persons from the visiting ship: a man calling himself Brentler, a woman calling herself Carpsie, and an odd-looking man calling himself Tupragon. These had intermittently communicated with someone called Zingdash, who stayed on board their mothership. Earl had ascertained from Tupragon's mind that Zingdash was someone who had extraordinary skills, of make-or-break importance for the operation of the ship.

As far as Earl could figure out, none of the visitors possessed telepathy, but they did seem to have some kind of clairvoyance, which appeared to be used in steering their ships. Where military armaments were concerned, the visitors did not admit to having anything more potent than what the Federation's arsenal possessed; but the ability of their starships to jump IMMEDIATELY between solar systems from a standing start had proven fascinating to the Human Federation. Given this capability, Movable Infantry regiments could be brought up to attack worlds held by Creepycrawlids without the killer bugs having ANY time to prepare.

) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) ) )

Earl's direct supervisor, Major-General Teresa Granger, once aware that Earl had brought all of the new visitors as far along as has been indicated, picked up the thread with good old-fashioned spoken words.

"The entire human race --I should say, the humans of the world we always knew, and our own colonies-- felt as if a divine miracle had happened. At last, we had met extraterrestrials who WEREN'T out to eat us alive! Not long before, we received a subspace radio report from the Freesoil colony, saying that unexpected human assistance had saved them from a Creepycrawlid assault; but there was no proof that this help could not have come from one of our own older, better-established colonies. Now, as of just last week, we DEFINITELY know fellow human beings from far away.

"Upon invitation, sixteen of our senior government officials, with twenty-one Space Fleet officers and eighteen prominent research scientists, were invited to meet with our new friends, with a view to letting them take a ride on the mothership and see its point of origin. Brentler and Carpsie assisted with interviewing these people." Here Major-General Granger stopped, and looked at Earl.

Earl transmitted the next part straight into the brains of Thorpe, Yoga-Rug and the rest.

Those visitors may have possessed some gift or discipline which would interfere with my reading their thoughts. But after all of our people had boarded shuttles provided by the mothership, I caught a terrible flash of thoughts from Brentler, who perhaps was the least proficient at whatever anti-telepathy method they have.

I discovered-- probably no surprise to you, friends-- that there are MULTIPLE human worlds beyond my society's knowledge. Brentler is a native of some place other than the rest; he was the leader of his world's space navy. After his world suffered a defeat in a short war it had started, Brentler escaped and reached the world of the other people. And their intentions toward us ARE treacherous.

"We know of that man!" Yoga-Rug exclaimed by plain voice. "His real name is Blender; he commanded the navy of a world called Spacebull; he was associated with an evildoer known as Dark Headgear, who had powers like mine and Mopey-One's. The world he fled to-- obviously the same one that sent him to you last week-- is called Greedy Crime, and is ruled by some really vicious people called Snarkonnens.

"The most important fact here, from your perspective, is that the Snarkonnens have the help of remarkable scientists, called Lazytaxies. And some of the Lazytaxies, called Face Twisters.... are able to DISGUISE THEMSELVES as other people. Other people, such as the delegation you sent. Do you see where I'm going?"

"Something like that is what I was afraid of," groaned Earl.

The discussion became REALLY lively after this.
 
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\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ A REVIEW OF CROSSOVERS //////////////////

>>>> This story began with a crossover. Mel Brooks' movie "Spaceballs" was a friendly parody of "Star Wars," and right at the start of this epic I mingled parodies OF the parody characters with a "direct" parody of the character Ahsoka Tano. Right after this, recalling that "Spaceballs" never said WHAT place "Lone Starr" was a prince of, I decided that my "Groan Starr" should be a native of a version of Planet Arrakis in "Dune." This allowed me to introduce parodies of the Frank Herbert characters., and make them important characters in my story. Indeed, my "Groan Starr" is now an extra son of my versions of Leto the Just and Lady Jessica.

>>>> Assuming the existence of multiple versions of Earth, widely separated by physical space, I began with "Seedubb Earth." On this world there are versions of comicbook heroes from both DC and Marvel, and there is a version of Star Laboratories from the DC Comics television shows. Two more Earths, "Terra" and "Urth," were introduced with similar mixes; no two Earths have the EXACT same combination of characters. For instance, I have so far used only one version each of Superman, Supergirl, Thor, Batman, Catwoman, Black Canary, the Flash, Doctor Strange, Daredevil and the Blackhawks, but two each of Captain America, Aquaman, and a Harley Quinn who gets converted to goodness in both of her incarnations. If I seem to be using more DC characters than Marvel ones, that's because Warner Brothers has done slightly LESS intentional ruining of characters than Disney has done.

>>>> Early in my saga, Groan Starr, and his party including "Princess Vixen," went to Seedubb, in search of clues to why so many stories turn out tragically. (They have an example close to home, since my version of Arrakis has lost its version of Paul Muad'Dib in a similar tragedy to Frank Herbert's novels.) "Lady Jazzica" and others eventually traveled to Seedubb also. Meanwhile, my version of the Green Lantern Corps is an exception to the whole mess; I have just one "Green Flashlight Corps," whose members ALL KNOW that there are multiple Earths.

>>>> Since the whole satire began with Mel Brooks' parody of "Star Wars," my story sends my Star Wars-ish characters to lots of places. My version of Hera Syndulia from "Rebels" has gone to my version of Babylon Five; my version of The Mandalorian has gone to a version of Earth where versions of the Sailor Moon characters can be found; and my version of Mel Brooks' comical villain "Dark Helmet" has wandered into the reality of "Starship Troopers" (though he does not figure in the scene I wrote just before this). The Sailor Moon-derived characters plan to make friends with characters based on "He-Man."

>>>> My version of Thanos was disposed of quickly, because I am NOT so hostile to classic heroes as to make Thor so stupid as to miss his chance to kill Thanos. My version of Darkseid has been allowed more action, invading both "Urth" and a later-introduced Earth-variant which I call "Earth-Whichever." Creating Earth-Whichever was my chance to catch up with Marvel heroes; I showed versions of Iron Man, War Machine, She-Hulk and the Fantastic Four. These were joined by heroes based on Brandon Lee's "The Crow" and the old-time pulp-hero Doc Savage. This clash resulted in "Twerpseid" being irrevocably defeated. There's always another super-duper-mega-villain to be lampooned.

>>>> Meanwhile, my version of Stephen King's Dark Tower series, with its gunslinger hero, has not yet had any crossovers with any other franchises. This may change in the next two or three weeks.


Suddenly, the self-absorbed new super-chick Antimerica Chutzpah popped into this post. Again, time travel: she was coming back from the spring of 2022. She tried to erase all entries in the summary and replace them with boasts about herself.

But Copperfox refused to let her do this. Consequently, Antimerica threw a fit, accusing Copperfox of misogyny. Copperfox was unimpressed.
 
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ON SEEDUBB EARTH:

The super-criminals who had been hiding out south of Urbanopolis were on the move across the state of York-Jersey, singly and in pairs, bypassing the big city on its western, inland side. They had forsaken their comfortable, out-of-the-way country hideout for one reason: Opposite Whoosh had scouted into the future, and had foreseen their hideout being discovered. Coming back to present time, and then taking a general tour of the region, had also located an additional super-villain, Count Verygone, who had been lying low for many days and was now searching for colleagues.

Verygone had the power to confuse other people's senses. But with the Anti-Villain Device in good-guy hands, his power didn't work at all anywhere within a hundred miles of Spark Laboratories, and was noticeably impaired as far off as Nebraska one way or eastern Ohio the other way. So the self-styled Count had fled eastward on a guess, in hopes that other super-villains had also tried to get out of reach of the device in the same direction. He and Opposite Whoosh lucked out finding each other in "present" time, with the discovery of the rural hideout still in the future. It occurred to the sharp-witted Opposite Whoosh that Verygone's power might work splendidly in concert with Scarycloak's mind games, so he asked those two to travel together on the escape toward Canada. El Ogro Feo, not someone who could easily pass unnoticed, rode in the back of a truck driven in turns by Rosita and Yasmina. And so on.

On the later day which Op-Whoosh had already gone to, good guys came east in force. Coming east from Generic Large City were Groan Starr with all of his party including his niece Gladiola, plus the now-less-than-omnipotent Marysuefire and Doctor Unusual. Coming from the Bat-Grotto to meet them was Luke Fixxit in his Flatwing persona, happy and proud to represent the Bats-Tribe.

The crooks having fled the nest, Doctor Unusual scouted possible timelines for what the crooks would have done to escape. Six possible routes, two of them by sea, were equally likely, and the sorceror could not narrow the probabilities further. He guessed that Op-Whoosh's time-travel power was confusing the trail. What he didn't know to include in his magical calculations was Count Verygone joining the other villains. Verygone, in fact, had exerted his power to the utmost, producing a LONG-TERM effect of hampering even magical tracking efforts.

Once aware of the problem. Flatwing made his pivotal contribution.

"I do a lot of radio monitoring and triangulation, and I know that the ease or difficulty of direction-finding for one frequency is independent from the same process for other frequencies. Maybe whoever clouded the signs for Doctor Unusual's channel, wasn't able to cover all other channels." He looked pointedly at the three generations of House Ashtrayides who were in attendance.

Bunkem Isotope, not himself sharing the Jalapeno gifts of Jazzica, Trala and Gladiola, was the first to comment. "I think you're correct, Flatwing. Mother-in-law, wife, niece? You all enjoy a degree of time-scanning. Brother-in-law, you have a present-time ability to trace the location of a living mind-- an ORGANIC living mind, meaning no offense to you, Bot Index."

Half an hour later, Jazzica, Trala-Lalia and Gladiola had formed an idea of WHAT their enemies intended to do in the next few days, while Groan Starr was able to say with confidence that the villains had scattered but were all heading toward Canada.
 
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There were many ways the outlaws could cross the Saint Lawrence River or the Niagara River to get into Canada. All superheroes residing full time IN Seedubb's United States were CITIZENS of the United States, and the U.S. government was anxious not to make other countries think that it would use its metahuman population to bully other countries. Therefore, if the villains, or some of them, did reach Canadian soil, it would be up to the Mounties to decide if they wanted to request superhero assistance.

Heroes capable of flight-- Marysuefire, Doctor Unusual and Flatwing-- took to the air in hopes of spotting the fugitives from justice. Bot Index remained with the heroes on the ground, to help them keep up with all transmitted communications. Groan, Vixen and Puke took the Selenium Falcon skyward, because there was no law or treaty against surveillance of any country being performed from OUTSIDE Earth's atmosphere.

Local authorities on THIS side of the Saint Lawrence Seaway, after years of benefiting by Batfellow's nearness, were favorably disposed toward superheroes in general. When Marysuefire told them as much as she knew about the fleeing villains, they added their own aerial reconnaissance to the metahuman efforts. As a result, state troopers in York-Jersey made the first arrest, taking Captain Airplane. His hardened paper airplanes did injure four officers, but the rest captured him all the same.

The second capture didn't occur till the chase had passed into the northeast corner of Pennsylvania, where Flatwing swooped down to intercept Yasmina, one of the two Mexican gun-women, when her car got stuck in traffic and she tried to bolt on foot. Virgil Fixxit's son almost bungled it, pausing to ASK her if she was the girl gangster; but when she attempted to shoot him, her possible innocence was eliminated. Luke's body armor, designed by his father, saved him even from armor-piercing rounds; his own alertness thwarted Yasmina's effort to kick him; then he overpowered her, because he had been trained by Batfellow, and girl power only counts for so much.

But Opposite Whoosh was Opposite Whoosh, and other vehicles driven by the fugitives avoided the roadblocks. By the next sunrise, the chase had progressed into the state of West York, which would be upstate New York in the America of Original Earth. Now the bad guys might steal boats to cross either Lake Erie or Lake Ontario, or try to cross the section of the Saint Lawrence which linked those two lakes to each other.

= = = = = = = = = = = = =

Opposite Whoosh, Verygone, Scarycroak, Rosita the other girl gangster, and the Face Twisters Underhandy and Slywink escaped from all pursuit, thanks to the effects of Count Verygone's power-- which confused even Doctor Unusual's magical search. They contrived to cross the inter-lake segment of the Saint Lawrence. But El Ogro Feo, ever boastful of his enhanced strength, had not taken as much care to be inconspicuous as he should have. Intending to swim across Lake Ontario, he stood on a pier, about to dive, when the Selenium Falcon drew near. Tired of running away, he stood fast, made rude gestures toward the starship, and shouted, "Soy mas fuerte que todos otros! Come down here and fight me, cobardes!"

Marysuefire was on her way to arrest the ogre herself, but Groan Starr called her and asked her to leave the villain to him. Using an exterior loudspeaker on the ship's hull, he promised to accept El Ogro's challenge.

"It hardly seems fair," Vixen told her husband. "Physical strength is all he has; he'll never get close to you."

"Well, I don't plan to kill him, sweetheart. But I actually have so little practice in with my Fuss powers, I need the chance to flex my magic muscles. Puke, take the controls and let me off about a hundred feet from the big thug."
 
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During all this, Opposite Whoosh ran back across the Saint Lawrence, returning to the United States side to see if he could help El Ogro. This had nothing to do with loyalty to comrades; Op-Whoosh simply preferred to retain useful allies where possible. But the sight of Marysuefire flying up to capture him changed his mind, and he resumed evasive action.

El Ogro never even noticed. Full of the smug self-assurance of the true sociopath, he stood shouting taunts at Groan Starr. Deliberately remembering his victory over Dark Headgear, Groan began one of the exercises Yoga-Rug had taught him by long-distance telepathic teaching: sensing the mass of his enemy, assessing how much Fuss exertion would be required to lift, push, pull, or immobilize the tall troll-man. This done, he finally replied to El Ogro's shouts.

"You're caught, gristle-for-brains! You don't have super-speed, flight, invisibility, or laser-beam eyes, and you won't be ABLE to punch or grab me. Make it easier on yourself, and give up now!"

El Ogro's response was to pick up a motorcycle parked on the waterfront, and throw it at Groan Starr. Groan was a bit surprised by the quickness of his enemy's action, but he telekinetically deflected the improvised missile in time to avoid injury. The super-sized thug, for his part, wasted no time watching for the result of his long-range attack, but charged at Groan. The space rover turned prince leaped to one side, then used The Fuss to pull El Ogro's feet out from under him. But the giant was not a sluggish oaf; he recovered his feet as soon as the active telekinetic attack stopped.

Groan fleetingly thought of drawing his raygun and simply shooting the hulking goon; he wouldn't even have to kill Ogro, he could simply disable him. It would be morally justified.....

But this would not advance Groan toward excellence as an up-side Fuss user.

A plain, crude Fuss push served to block another charge by the villain. Groan decided to see if he could lift Ogro bodily into the air. Answer: too much mass, it didn't work as intended, but it did make Ogro fall down again. Groan was reminded of the fact that he had not so far spent much time doing the Fuss equivalent of weightlifting in a gym. Hopefully, he would in time approach Yoga-Rug's level of telekinetic strength. For now, he would see how creative he could be at his current strength level.

As El Ogro Feo began yet another attempt to close in, Groan tried a new tactic: forcing the big scoundrel's eyelids shut. This worked pretty well, until Ogro's panicky movements caused Groan to lose track of exactly where the eyes he had closed WERE. Still, Groan's Fuss power to sense emotions confirmed that Ogro was now genuinely scared.

So Groan did a Fuss-assisted leap, to get clear so he could talk. "Listen to me, bandit! I don't want to kill you; I could have just shot you anytime, but I don't want to kill anyone. Give up now, and you'll get a fair trial. In fact, if you give up now, I'll ask the authorities to go easy on you. Your move! You can have clemency, or you can get hurt."

El Ogro stood panting; glanced at Groan's holstered gun; saw police officers beginning to surround him at a cautious distance; and finally seemed to shrink. "Stranger, you win. I give up."

Groan looked at the police officers and shouted: "Hold your fire! He's giving himself up! I told him he would get fair treatment; and I'll gladly come along and help you manage him, so deadly force WON'T be needed."

Jazzica could have offered to use her Penny Jezebel "Chatter" power to make El Ogro obey orders; but she didn't want to steal any of her son's thunder.

While the police were figuring out how best to transport El Ogro to a holding location, Groan received a long-distance mental call from Yoga-Rug: "Well done, Groaner! I saw by clairvoyance how you handled that golem; it was excellent, just enough force to subdue him, with no cruel revenge. You're on the right track! Right now, I'm with several friends on a far-off planet, where we're trying to sort out some sneaky mischief that the Spacebullies appear to be involved in. I'll tell you more later. May the Fuss be with you!"

Shortly after this, Groan Starr was deluged with congratulatory hugs and kisses from his wife, his mother, his sister, and his niece, plus high-fives from Bunkem Isotope and Puke. Joining them a minute later, Marysuefire said cheerfully, "This is a great day. You are growing into your potential, and I foresee more criminals giving up rather than try to fight you."

Doctor Unusual showed up later at the jail, where he told the Ashtrayides contingent including Groan Starr's party: "Opposite Whoosh got away again, and so did two or three others whose identities I'm unsure of. But we'll keep the pressure on them, any way we can. The State Department will ask the Canadian government to permit us to operate up there."
 
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WEST AFRICA ON "TERRA":

Slam Wishbone, alias The Kestrel, had come to Africa to help investigate the incursion of shape-changing Skrunks. With him came his bride, the pardoned ex-criminal Wholesome Vine, formerly Toxic Vine. She did not have such ultra-Mary-Sue-ish power over plants as Poison Ivy enjoyed in comic books on Original Earth; instant exponential plant growth, such as Vine's template character could enact routinely in animated movies, would be a gross violation of the law of conservation of energy, only feasible by means of seriously big-time supernatural power. But Vine could do things like making foliage lean out of the way when walking through jungle or bush country, then making it close up to impede others. In addition, since the Skrunks appeared to be unable to disguise their body scent, it was relevant that Vine possessed a superb sense of smell.

Coming to Nigeria with the couple was the enigmatic blank-faced hero called The Inquiry, who had many scientist friends in America. The Inquiry was bringing with him the product of his friends: a portable olfactronic sampler, in other words an electronic super-nose. Between Inquiry and Vine, they had the means to hunt for Skrunks in two places. Arriving at an airport, the three heroes were met by the Brickhawks.

"Welcome, and thank you for coming," said one of the female aviators. "My name is Juanita Vasquez;" and she introduced her comrades one by one. The last one she named, Todd Morris, stepped alongside Juanita once she named him.

"We have a great deal of territory to cover," Juanita continued; "and we're trying not to be predictable."

Todd picked up the thread: "Mister and Missus Wishbone, I will accompany you. Mister Inquiry, Juanita's with you. Where we'll operate won't be said in any such exposed place as this."

Slam, the one military veteran among the three newcomers, nodded. "Operational security."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Juanita Vasquez and The Inquiry first drove to a large farm, whose leading crop was the edible-root vegetable cassava. Farm employees were weeding the fields. Inquiry was taking pictures with a high-quality digital camera: not explicitly claiming to be a news photographer, but creating the impression. This made his blank face inconspicuous-- and left him free to exert his vaguely-defined psychic finding-things-out power. Juanita, meanwhile, conversed with workers, asking them to describe thunderstorms which they had witnessed in this district any time in the last three years. The olfactronic sensor, which Inquiry had shown her how to use, Juanita pretended was a device to measure static electricity in the air. This Earth, like Original Earth, had concerns with climate, so the two investigators could concoct a distraction story.

They found no sign of Skrunks at this first try, but they would continue.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Slam, Vine, and Brickhawk Todd Morris went farther off in another direction, with Todd piloting a rented civilian helicopter. Coming to a region of rice farms, they landed where they could walk on dirt roads which bordered the rice paddies. In their case, they did not purposely approach anyone; Vine's green skin, though not as deep a green as that of She-Hunk over on Earth-Whichever, was green enough to excite curiosity. And if there was any spoor of Skrunks to be scented, Wholesome Vine's elegant nose would catch it without needing to come near to any rice growers.

Both search teams were making a reasonable effort not to be terribly obvious, for they needed to APPEAR to be trying not to be obvious. If they, or Juanita and Inquiry, caught a Skrunk, that would be great; but they weren't betting the farm on it. Their efforts would be worthwhile if they succeeded in misdirecting the invaders.

The real hunting was now beginning, much farther out from the original Skrunk encounter at the high school. With separate starting points, the sorceror Conn Johnstantine, and Katuva Walton the Sky Lioness, were using search-magic, which the Skrunks should be far less prepared to counteract.


 
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On John Stewmeat's Earth

Green Flashlight John Stewmeat was mostly recovered from his critical injury, but he still in was on the Earth which had been Twerpseid's last invasion target. He was helping with various rebuilding efforts, and had no reason to suspect that he was urgently needed elsewhere. John's own Earth, however, had spent three weeks learning the meaning of the expression "mixed blessing."

There were at least forty of the "Heart Sapphire" women on this Earth now, representing at least twenty-five different species. All of them were fairly human-like; and the few who weren't beautiful in human eyes, were at least cute, like endearing cartoon characters. All of them shared a mighty aura of persuasiveness; it was difficult for any Earthling to see any flaw in their ideas when they were talking.

Except for Trace Dickey, captain of detectives in the police department of Magnet City, New Jersey. He had never known what the Heart Sapphires were before they had made their non-violent but theatrical descent onto Earth. But as the best friend of his world's only superhero, Trace had absorbed every insight John did share with him about the variety of cultures in the universe. Thus Trace Dickey was at least not entirely flying blind when trying to reason with the space-women who were now conducting a non-violent cultural genocide.

In the first four days after they first landed, the Heart Sapphires had gone here and there all around the world..... finding all strategic weapons in any nation, and rendering them non-functional. Not one person anywhere had suffered even slight injury in this process; and about half of the human race on this Earth had been in raptures of joy, not seeing anything wrong with the apparent abolition of war. Trace and his wife Bess had spoken about this with Heart Sapphire Nolarivu Pamizo, who was not one of the first three Trace had met, but who had been assigned to speak with the Dickey family every two or three days. This, because Green Flashlight John Stewmeat, who was known to the Heart Sapphires, was known to hold Trace in extremely high regard.

Miss Pamizo belonged to the Dishwasheeri, a widespread race, many of whom had settled within the territory of my Star Wars-ish sub-reality. Nolarivu had a sort of two-toned skin. Her face, and her hands with the lower forearms, were colored in a tan close to the look of a white American who had sunbathed frequently; otherwise, what could be seen of her skin was a deep indigo, as was her hair. When informed of the forcible global disarmament, Trace had asked Nolarivu, "Did you make any changes to the governments of any of the nations you disarmed?"

"No, because we do not judge," Nolarivu had replied. "Since hate entails the desire to do harm, simple removal of the means for people to do harm is, by itself, the greatest single step in eliminating hate."

Bess had asked, in her mildest voice: "But if you're eliminating hate, don't you have to JUDGE which actions ARE hateful?"

Nolarivu's eyes had glazed over, till she came back with a rote response: "What we do is not judging, because we follow our hearts."

"Hmmm, do your hearts call it 'hate' if a government imprisons people only for dissenting verbally from its policies?"

"Possibly. But a strong government does promote unity, and unity is love. So we have required governments only to keep SOME convicts in prison: ones who produced hate by opposing order. But we called for the release of prisoners who had done nothing worse than following their hearts as we follow ours."

Trace had felt sick at this point, and had asked, "Does following their hearts include, um, the independent redistribution of goods and commodities?"

Nolarivu had answered him: "Of course! There is no love without unity, and no unity without fair distribution."

After the morning of this conversation, Trace Dickey and his police force had no more time for abstract conversations. They had their hands full, day and night, with trying to reduce the damage done by people "following their hearts." Because it turned out that the "hearts" of many Magnet City residents were eager to try out jolly little games like starting fires and driving their cars onto sidewalks.

Eventually, with his police commissioner and the chief of police both hospitalized, Trace as acting commissioner had to appeal to Nolarivu to intervene. She replied, "Never fear. All of the recent little difficulties will soon be remedied on a global scale. These disturbances occur because people still don't love themselves enough. Therefore, we are about to install a new Secretary-General at the United Nations: a man who, despite lacking the goddess-wisdom we Heart Sapphires enjoy, has a robust and energetic self-love. You will soon see that the universe has brought a good result out of Mike Tripleface being released from his local obligations."

"You. Don't. Mean...."

But she did mean it, AND expected the famous detective to be pleased with a crooked politician heading the United Nations.
 
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Planet Alwaysurnia

A regency council had been formed at Castle Greyhair, to oversee recovery efforts after the damage Alwaysurnia had suffered from alien attacks. False Teerifica -- still believed by others to be genuine -- was a member of the council; but her only contribution to meetings was to interrupt other speakers and brag about how important she was and how she had single-handedly repelled the most recent raid from space. But she would cut short any discussion of Sledgehammer Man and the other loyal Alwaysurnians who had been carried away as captives on that occasion.

With (False) Teerifica contributing so little to anything, other Alwaysurnians were increasingly forced to bypass the regency council and work on measures of their own. Such was the case with a lively middle-aged widow called Neverditziya, who had been a science teacher at a leading school for many years. Studying design files left behind by the missing Weapons-Man, she had led her students in constructing three operational particle-beam cannons, mounted on wagons. Today, teacher and students harnessed three good-natured Workasauruses to the wagons, to pull the sky-defense weapons to locations at the points of a triangle around their city. The city, called Spectrum Springs, had until now possessed no defense against any aerospace threat; Neverditziya was resolved that this vulnerability must end.

Retired soldiers, with experience in air-defense gunnery, accompanied the wagons, and scrutinized each location chosen for a particle-beam emplacement. The most senior of these men, a certain Corporal Dolph Bluntgrin, talked with Mistress Neverditziya about the hazards an air-defense crew faced-- themselves being fixed in one position while their adversaries might fly in from any direction. "But I'll man my post," he was quick to reassure her. "With Sorcery Lass missing, our magical resources are severely diminished, so anything technology can do to compensate, needs to be done."

Conversation eventually shifted to the subject of Lady Teerifica. An eleven-year-old schoolboy remarked to the corporal, "A year ago, Teerifica visited our school; Mistress Neverditziya introduced her. Teerifica was so friendly, everybody loved her. And grownups always say that she's never ever angry or fierce except when she has to be, to fight bad guys. But now I hear that she's angry all the time."

A girl student added, "Maybe it's just because she misses Mighty Male. Everybody used to think they would get married."

"They might still, if he comes home alive," said Neverditziya.

The oldest of the female students put in: "But if he doesn't come back, I'm afraid Teerifica will only get even more grumpy."

This talk went on for a long time, interrupted only by the work of getting the new armament settled into its revetments. But even though the children themselves were expressing worry about the highly popular Teerifica, the adults hesitated to admit in the children's hearing just HOW unsettled they were by their heroine's recent changes in behavior.
 
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On Occupied Awkwardlisp

When Preston Vincent, the Ostralian widower from Earth-Whichever, had received all the power of multiple Awkwardlispian royals, he had also absorbed their scientific knowledge. Being able now to create his own wormholes, he hyper-jumped from Ostralia to the United States to Brazil to India to Japan to Egypt to Israel, inviting prominent scientists from all of these countries to come to the just-conquered world of Awkwardlisp. There they would be allowed to study (in place) many examples of Awkwardlispian technology, though not any military hardware for the time being. Reasonably enough, Stony Stork and Kirk Slippage were given first look.

Preston, alias Truthside, informed the Soviet Union and Communist China that they would be permitted also to study Twerpseid's techno-treasury..... AFTER they admitted to the world at large that they had needed help from non-Communist nations. He was not over-optimistic about the Beijing regime accepting his terms, because they did have some captured War Witches in custody, and could learn much from these about the workings of the abundant Awkwardlispian hardware left behind in Guangdong. But the Soviet Union might prove more amenable to bargaining, in part because of the positive impression that Jasmine "She-Hunk" Waterford had made in Stalingrad.

Almost as an afterthought, Preston transported the downfallen Twerpseid and his household (including Trippenwonk and Greensodd) to the largely-useless "balance" world of New Laziness, and asked-- well, TOLD-- the idle King Highfyver to keep the evil ex-aristocrats in exile and keep them harmless. Highfyver placed Wispy Mythical and his giantess wife in charge of this, and went back to his painting.

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + +

Uberkwack, the Awkwardlispian doctor whose four hands had long served him well when performing surgery, appeared to be the least vicious of all remaining authority figures on the conquered planet of evilness. Preston "Truthside" Vincent had accordingly appointed Uberkwack to be the chair-being of what Preston chose to call The Surrender Council. Bestowing this title on the go-between group seemed to be the sort of rub-your-face-in-it symbolism which Twerpseid had always favored; but the good guys here were making sure that members of the Surrender Council were kept safe from harm, AND were listened to when they submitted requests to their vanquishers.

Uberkwack, though not exactly a good person, decided that far worse things could have happened to him than being required to take part in the cleansing of a depraved world. Information provided by this royal physician would prove extremely helpful in keeping the necessary regime change non-violent.

The Hindu superheroes Golden Rakshasa and Flying Elephant, once brought to Awkwardlisp along with India's delegation of scientists, had agreed to act as the Surrender Council's protectors. Also brought to the occupied planet was Dreamtime Chieftain Kuparr Daku of Ostralia; Preston had asked him to repeat his great feat of good magic which had changed invading Pukedemons back into living people. When approached by the bereaved husband of the noble Erica Vincent, the shaman had gladly consented to undertake this work of restoration and healing. Zoorama Sotero, here with her now-betrothed hero Doc Slippage, was equally willing to assist Kuparr's undeadness-reversal spell as she had done before. Soon, every remaining Pukedemon on Awkwardlisp would once again be a living man or woman of whatever sapient race they came from.

Stony Stork, meanwhile, was having council members provide him with records about worlds Twerpseid had formerly invaded. Such worlds, be they alternate Earths or not, could potentially become allies to his own Earth, if only by way of sharing knowledge.

 
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