Spacebullies Two: The Search For More Parody

AND NOW, BACK TO MY STAR-WARS-BABYLON FIVE CROSSOVER.

Master Drool, Keeper of the Great Artifact on Planet Upsydaislyon, sent his astral body out for another look at the evil space fleet parked around Planet Chisskurd. The warships he had seen before appeared to have been joined by others, including seven REALLY big ships which might be troop transports. Inside these big ships, as inside a few of the smaller new arrivals, he found many roughly humanoid aliens different from any he had seen before. They were taller than most humans, and had foxy faces with lots of teeth. By continued spying, Drool ascertained that these aliens called themselves the Barnsmell; that they had formerly ruled an empire of their own, including an unfamiliar Earth-variant called Ringjonn Earth; but that the humans of this Earth, aided by other races who disliked the cruel overlords, had turned the tables and vanquished the Barnsmell.

Much information still was missing; but Drool discovered that the Barnsmell had long endured some unexplained restriction which prevented them from killing people directly, so that they had needed to use indirect methods to oppress other worlds. Unfortunately, they had been very skillful at HELPING others on their side to kill people. But someone-- Drool guessed that it must have been evil Fuss users-- had lately found a way to undo the inhibition imposed by whoever-it-was on the evil foxy-folk, in return for the Barnsmell's pledge to assist the Empire of Evil Badness in its attempted resurgence. And by the look of them, each individual Barnsmell could probably slaughter three or four ordinary adult human males at once in close combat. Or, if they had been characters in any recent Disney movie, three or four Barnsmells might have lasted longer than ten seconds in a fight against a fifteen-year-old girl.

What the Mintcandybarri philosopher could make out of the design of Barnsmell starships left him pretty sure that they would fare poorly in space combat even against the relatively-crude warships of Earthlyforce. It followed that the rebounding Empire would use its new friends for planetside combat-- and for boarding and seizing space habitats like Bubblewrap Five.

Withdrawing his virtual presence from the vicinity of Chisskurd, he looked for the nearest ship of the Republic of Lots of Worlds. He found a light-combatant ship loitering in an uninhabited solar system twelve light-years away from Chisskurd's own system. Happily, the Tugboata up-sider Nonsmoka Tiptoe and her three reconnaissance companions were on board that ship, with others including Moose Windchime and Melodica.

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"I'm so glad I spotted you before you proceeded with a raid," said Drool's hologram when he had his friends gathered to hear him. "Since you left the neighborhood of Chisskurd, the bad guys have received additional ground troops. They look tough-- not like Fuss-adept material, but like useful raygun fodder, and there are thousands of them."

Master Windchime held up a hand, closed his eyes, then re-opened his eyes and responded, "My Shatterplace intuition says that Admiral Skrawn is going on the offensive, planning to use his new army to help take and hold some vulnerable planet. But I don't think he's anywhere close to going after your Upsydaisylon System; he's got the practical sense not to over-extend himself, if indeed he even knows yet that Bubblewrap Five exists. So if we can throw a sonic screwdriver into the machinery of his current operation, this should gain substantial time for your Earthlyforce to implement its hardware improvements."

The Tryyurluck woman Samladel Fripp spoke up next: "Master Windchime, I hope the first machinery that you disrupt will be Skrawn's widespread slave-trafficking operations."

Moose addressed her very gently. "Depending on circumstances, that might be the second target. It won't help the Empire's captives if we neglect to damage and disorganize the military assets which have ENABLED them to abduct and keep slaves. But I promise you that the first time we can free some of your friends WITHOUT this weakening our counter-offensive against Skrawn, I will personally lead that rescue mission."

"I'll be on that raid too, if possible," volunteered Adept Ziprukken.

"Count my apprentice and me in!" exclaimed Nonsmoka.

"And I'll nag them about it until then," said Melodica.
 
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Drool transferred his image to the command bridge of Bubblewrap Five, where Lieutenant-Commander Josh Cordwood was standing his command watch. "Commander Cordwood, I have just been with Nonsmoka Tiptoe and her lot, many parsecs away. That empire which they're trying to prevent from recovering is enlarging its forces any way it can. The good news, however, is that those evildoers won't be coming in this direction any time soon."

In return, Cordwood asked, "Have you told Lieutenant Webber as much?" He was referring to the former Earthlyforce fighter pilot who had involuntarily become the living computer for a Shadything terror-ship; who had reasserted his own human will when the Shadythings were vanquished; who had recently helped to thwart Twerpseid's invasion of Earth-Whichever (a world much less advanced than the Earth-variant to which Bubblewrap Five belonged); and who was now staying close to Upsydaisylon, so human and allied scientists could keep studying the super-ship's systems.

"So I have," Drool replied. "But having been a sort of slave himself, and now being friends with Noherra Synthmusica, Mister Webber is outraged against this Empire of Evil Badness for enslaving so many persons of Noherra's race. When Webber can be spared from his service here, he'll want to go hand those imperialists their own severed heads. But getting back to local affairs, are any other allied worlds asking for a turn going through the Shadything vessel?"

"Yes, the Braykpedduli. Ambassador Fashoor-Ackerman pressured her government hard to seize the opportunity." (Mister Cordwood and the artifact-keeper both recalled how terribly the Braykpedduli people had suffered from the former depredations of the Shadythings.) "Her being able to point to Corin Webber still being human was a crucial argument for her case. Her husband Woodrow is expected to arrive tomorrow, bringing Braykpedduli scientists to visit the big ship." (The Braykpedduli were sufficiently human-like that the Earthling spacer Woodrow Ackerman, in circumstances favorable to healthy romance, had fallen in love with the good-hearted Braykpedduli woman Yessa Fashoor, and she with him. Star Trek-level medical science was expected to enable them to produce viable children.)

The next day, Woodrow's ship Queen Yessa pulled in as expected. Almost on its heels came an Earthlyforce destroyer, the Aggiemarbelon, formerly commanded by now-President Bruce Loxbagel.

Now captained by one Constance Tilbury, this major combatant belonged to a class which was pitifully old-fashioned where internal gravity was concerned; a large part of its hull was made to rotate (like the Bubblewrap habitat itself) to simulate gravity by centrifugal force. Thus, to people inside the destroyer, "down" was toward the exterior. But it worked; and where actual fighting in space was concerned, the Aggiemarbelon still was as good or better than anything possessed by many member worlds of the Bubblewrap Coalition, including Planet Braykpeddul. So if the destroyer's combat survivability could be upgraded, retaining its "primitive" gravity provision would be acceptable.

No way was Aggiemarbelon going to acquire an entire new hull with physical damage-resistance equivalent to the Shadything ship; this, even if possible, would be just as costly as building a new ship from zero. But many internal-control and external-sensor improvements could be adapted from the Shadything vessel; and as for surviving incoming weapon hits, Noherra Synthmusica could and would help the Bubblewrappers to reproduce the protective deflector screens common to Star Wars-ish spacecraft.

The Braykpedduli technicians arriving with Woodrow on board the Queen Yessa would be included in every stage of refurbishing the Earthlyforce destroyer, and thus would be able to carry new knowledge back to their own planet and its modest navy.
 
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Woodrow and Yessa had been apart longer than they liked, and they REALLY wanted some time alone together. Fortunately for them, one of the technicians who had arrived with Woodrow, a man by the name of Trablo Kuldivan, was already known to the Bubblewrap Five command staff, and could shoulder the job of representing Braykpeddul in the business at hand. He and Constance Tillerman did not pass Go, they went directly to a meeting with Elizabeth Broccoli, Noherra Synthmusica and Gross-Goo. Snack Salad would have wanted to be present, but he needed his sleep; he would be relieving Lieutenant-Commander Cordwood on the bridge in a matter of hours. Of course, the whole proceeding would be recorded and preserved in encrypted media, which would be available to Chief Salad later.

The station commander began: "The biggest single reason why our space navy scarcely accomplished anything in the Mintcandybarri War was because our ships couldn't survive hits from the Mintcandybarri beams. Our best armor of the time, reflective or reactive, simply was overwhelmed. As President Loxbagel proved in action, and as Shadything ships grimly confirmed later, the Mintcandybarri warships were not literally indestructible; but it did take a lot to damage them, and our ships rarely lasted long enough to find any vulnerable points.

"The technology which Captain Synthmusica is offering to give us is a commonplace thing in her own sub-universe, but will be a game changer in ours. If a protective screen which STANDS OUT FROM a ship's hull can block enemy fire for even a minute before failing, that minute would give the defending ship a life-or-death window to hit some vital part of its attacker."

"The Toofah-Roffian ship in which I first came to the Upsydaisylon system," said Noherra, "is very small, but it still features all necessary elements of the protection I want to give to your ships. Holographic schematics of my screen generators, from all angles, with specifications for power usage, will presently be uploaded from the station database into your personal data devices."

"This all sounds highly promising," remarked Constance; "but please DON'T install a percentage-based indicator of shield strength in any of the completed and installed shield systems."

Elizabeth and Gross-Goo, respectively, exclaimed "What??" and "Why not??"

"Because I don't want to jinx it."

"What is jinxing?" Trablo Kuldivan asked.

Constance faced the Braykpedduli man. "It means bringing bad luck upon some person or thing."

"And how does that apply here?"

"Before humans achieved manned space flight, broadcast entertainment programs imagined what such flight would be like. This included portraying possible future space wars, and the imaginary warships in the stories possessed just the sort of protective shields we are discussing as reality now. But as soon as the storywriters imagined the shields having a percentage measurement of their current strength, everyone decided that this should become a way of creating suspense, of convincing the audience that the characters in the story were moments away from a violent death. It got so that if someone threw a wad of paper at the ship, the shields would suddenly be down to only ten percent power."

"Well, we certainly don't want that to happen."

"But it never works that way with us," Noherra assured them.
 
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*** ON LIBERATED AWKWARDLISP:

King Truthside the Merciful, born Preston Vincent in Earth-Whichever's version of Australia, had just come from inspecting Doctor Uberkwack's progress at making the planet's four seas more wholesome. Waiting for him at this planet's equivalent of a railroad terminal were the superhero Fighting Machine, born Roby Doby; Colonel Irina Beriya of the Soviet Interior Troops, who was no longer eager to return to Stalingrad; the blue-skinned Drifla sisters, Tapidri and Tarvili, former slave-soldiers for the now-deceased Granny Rudeness; Emangu Kavat, the Native Ostralian rifleman who was carefully developing a relationship with Tarvili; the were-tigerish Hindu super-heroine Golden Rakshasa, regular name Nitara Bagram; and the humanoid galaxy-mapper Vogg Stoob, now officially in Truthside's service.

"Thank you for waiting here. Uberkwack still gets nervous when a crowd of dangerous aliens-- aliens to him-- hovers all around him. He's doing well with his new strain of edible meta-kelp. Now, Astrographer Stoob, let us all review the things you told me this morning about Urth."

Golden Rakshasa, who had only joined the others within the past hour, shook her currently-human head. "It still staggers me that there ARE other versions of Earth. I wonder if I was ever incarnated on any of those others?"

Roby Doby, who found Miss Bagram vastly appealing when she was in human form, offered a noncommittal remark: "Well, both Urth, and Seedubb where Zoorama comes from, have their own versions of India."

Vogg Stoob, eyes fixed upon his new (and infinitely preferable over Twerpseid) liege lord, began:

"In the many centuries of Twerpseid's reign, may it never be reinstated!-- there were eighteen previous worlds which conclusively repelled conquest by him, not counting the special case of New Laziness. But the nineteenth such world, the one pronounced 'OOORTH,' dealt him an uncommonly embarrassing defeat, because it had a large army of superheroes comparable to your own. Then right after that, he tried his luck against a much weaker planet --but there also he was driven off, and quickly. He would never speak to us about what had chased him away that time; but it left him desperate for a win."

"Only to get three strikes and out, as Americans put it," interjected Emangu.

"If that expression means what I think it means, then yes. Which is good news for sentient life everywhere. But horrible as Twerpseid is, and mighty as he WAS before his power was transferred to you, Your Majesty-- the universe is huge, and other great evils remain, such as Galactikang." (Neither Vogg Stoob, nor anyone else on Awkwardlisp, was aware that the even-more-wicked-than-Twerpseid immortal Galactikang had recently been slain by the good-aligned demigoddess Marysuefire.) "Other, faraway demonic rulers, though feeling no love for Twerpseid, WILL be afraid that whoever vanquished him could come after them next."

Irina laid a friendly hand on Vogg Stoob's scaly shoulder. She began reflexively to address him in Russian, but then remembered that she was in a story being written for an English-speaking readership. "I see where you're going, and I'm sure the King feels the same way. We should use the space-tunnel generators to pay a FRIENDLY visit to Urth, and eventually to other normal worlds. Enlarge the alliance against evil."

With one blue arm already around Tarvili, Tapidri contrived to pass her other arm around Irina. "Our native planet, Chisskurd, could stand liberating. The way Granny Rudeness was able to conscript us as War Witches was by PURCHASING us from the regime there. The local oppressors of my people, last we knew of, were in the market for like-minded evil allies; that ought to change."

Tarvili seconded her elder sister: "Although we don't know much about them, there are meta-people of some sort in Chisskurd's cosmic neighborhood. Some of them surely would join you."

"I generally agree with everybody," said Preston Truthside; "but with the caveat that I don't want to draw any Twerpseid counterparts HERE when we're not yet fully organized to defeat any assaults by them."

Vogg perked up. "I can assist you there, Sire. I can devise a way for you to travel INDIRECTLY to Urth and also Chisskurd, making it harder for major evildoers to backtrack you and threaten us."

"Excellent, Astrographer Stoob. I'll ask Uberkwack and Zoorama to help you identify some Awkwardlispians who would not sabotage this effort if we include them in it."


===== Changes of scene follow, but are connected in subject matter with this post.
 
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In Generic Large City on Seedubb Earth, in the front parlor of the youth hostel where the Teen Tryouts lived part-time, Doctor Unusual was meeting with Marysuefire and Goldfinch.

"Since many others are pressing the search for Steve's shield and Ryan's power-prosthesis, I felt I could conduct some astral-plane snooping on other worlds. I discovered an Earth-variant where fully-adult lawful-good metahumans are as well organized as you Tryouts are. At least two cases of personal equivalence already: they have a Green Flashight of their own, and a close counterpart of our Aquaticman. A hero there called Clean Hornet is functionally equivalent with Batfellow; and they have a telepathic professor, with whom I believe I can open long-distance mental communication."

Though lacking any superpowers, Goldfinch possessed the alert and perceptive intellect which Batfellow had helped him to develop. "Sir, do you mean you believe you CAN do so, or believe you SHOULD?"

The sorceror smiled. "I am nearly a hundred percent sure that I can reach this professor's mind; ninety percent sure that he's on the side of good; and eighty percent sure that I can block him if he tries to tamper with my mind against my will. But I'm not at all certain that evil forces would not be able to detect our mental conversation."

Marysuefire spoke up: "So you're thinking that it might be less noticeable to super-villains if someone could physically cross the distance to that other Earth, and meet the mind-reader in person. Well, yes, I could make the flight; and if it's relatively short by galactic standards, I could keep Goldfinch alive in space on the journey, so I would have his brains to help me plan my actions at the other end."

"You've got the idea. But it would be easier if you and Goldfinch could hitch a ride on Groan Starr's spaceship."
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Minutes later, in Seedubb's Beijing where it was night, Red Headbone was contacted in a dream by an evil immortal.

"Greetings, Red Headbone! I am called Screendoormammu, and I am impressed with how effective you and Lex Loozor are for flesh-and-blood mortals. Things have not gone well for me on a different version of Earth, so I have dropped in here to give you a hand."

In his dream state, Headbone felt as if a demonic visit were the most ordinary thing imaginable. "Give me a hand with what?"

"The sorceror Doctor Unusual is up to something which would be harmful to the forces of evil. Your new brain-interference weapon is just the thing to ruin his plans-- if only you were in range. I can transport you back to America, where the device will neutralize his magic. Bring Count Verygone with you; he can leave Doctor Unusual unclear afterwards about what happened....."

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The surprise attack worked. When it was night in the United States, Screendoormammu deposited Headbone and Verygone right inside Doctor Strange's house-- whose magical equivalent of a burglar alarm was deactivated by the demon lord. If the good wizard had been awake and ready, he could have offered substantial resistance even to Screendoormammu; but when he awoke, the brainwave-interference weapon was already active, and he could not FORM THE INTENTION to cast any spells.

The wicked immortal dared not slay the defenseless Unusual, because that might provoke AsaLion into squashing him like a bug. But there was plenty that Screendoormammu could do without even indirectly killing anyone; especially with Red Headbone's device and Count Verygone's hypnotic assistance.

Marysuefire and Goldfinch were made to believe that Doctor Unusual's idea was being implemented. It seemed to them that, with Batfellow's knowledge and hearty approval, they met with Groan Starr and Princess Vixen, and were admitted on board the Selenium Falcon. What they believed was a spaceship flight to another alternate Earth, was actually a magical flight to the China of their own Earth. Red Headbone kept Marysuefire's brain from being able to decide to use her own powers until it was too late.

Just like that, with no friends aware of what had befallen them, the young hero-couple were imprisoned in a containment facility similar to what Spark Laboratories maintained for super-villains. Lex Loozor and the other bad guys reckoned that they could compel Marysuefire to obey them within reason, by threatening to give Goldfinch a non-fatal flesh wound in his left shoulder. ("Within reason" meant that the villains knew that Marysuefire knew that Goldfinch himself would not want her to harm innocent people to save him, but she would obey any order which DIDN'T harm innocent people, in order to protect her sweetheart.) And the establishment of cooperation between the superheroes of Urth and Seedubb was postponed indefinitely.

Of course, the Green Flashlight of Urth, Mike Deep Swimmer, could have established such cooperation, but they both had other things to think about. But Ryan Pebbles, deprived of his own Flashlight appliance, could not contact any other Flashlight Corps members to request aid.

Doctor Unusual was devastated to learn that he HADN'T actually helped Marysuefire and Goldfinch to travel across the galaxy with Groan Starr; but he, any more than other heroes, had no idea where they had gotten to. It was even possible that Marysuefire had decided to travel unassisted, provided she was sure she could keep Goldfinch alive on such a long journey.

As a sort of locking the stable after the horse was stolen, although still not even certain that evildoers had been at work, Doctor Unusual resolved that no longer would he rely ONLY on his own magic to prevent enemies from interfering with him. He would henceforth be more of a team player. Lady Jazzica Ashtrayides offered a resource: a bottle of Jalapeno capsules. She hoped that, when consumed by a sorceror, these capsules would afford him a quasi-magical awareness which would be, so to speak "on a different channel" from the mental-magical power which the bad guys now could interfere with.
 
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ON AND AROUND PLANET SENPHATORI.....

Countess Serrimu (or Princess Serrimu, depending on who was talking to whom) possessed enough Penny Jezebel talent that she often had partial visions of the future, and at least was never grossly wrong. When she and her super-villain boyfriend Block Atom followed the Senphatorian space miners back to Senphatori, she had advised Block not to start conquering the place immediately. He had accepted her guidance, and soon had been glad he did, for soon a Green Flashlight had shown up and met with Senphatorian leaders.

Block Atom believed he could beat any Green Flashlight, for he had indeed slain three of them in the past; but he was smart enough to know that he was not literally invincible, so he agreed with his evil girlfriend about waiting to find out more of the situation. They were able to observe planetary activity which suggested that the Senphatorians expected additional visitors. Of special significance was the eventual discovery that the Tonkrypian cousins would be in this galactic region soon. Block wasn't afraid of them either, since they could be injured by magic and his powers WERE magic-derived; but again, this would not be a slam-dunk guarantee of his victory.

Once their spying had ascertained how soon the ships from Urth should be arriving, Block Atom proceeded with the plan that Serrimu had helped him develop. She was actually ahead of him in technological education, thus was able to identify for him every radio station on the planet which was likely to possess the ability to make faster-than-light calls by subspace transmission. Armed with this knowledge, Block Atom flew here and there on the planet, and also out to the space stations it possessed within the same star system. He took great care not to hurt anyone as he destroyed all of Senphatori's interstellar-comms apparatus; and at every site he raided, he used plotline-convenient linguistic magic to tell people that he would soon address their planetary government and explain his actions. Since lasers fired at him had proven futile, and he had refrained from harming those who shot at him, the locals decided that going along with what he wanted was their best bet.

The substance of Block Atom's address to the planet was as follows:

"I am called Block Atom, because I have power over the atoms which are cosmic building blocks. I come from a human world much like the 'Urth' which is known to you; but my Earth has far fewer specially-powered humans than the one with which you have communication. As a result, normal people there are NOT so passively dependent on 'superheroes' as is the case on the Urth you know. Before happy fate bestowed special powers upon me, I had already learned to think for myself. I know the value of 'average' people.

"My consort, Princess Serrimu of the Calamari dynasty, is not bulletproof or super-strong, can't fly or see through walls or turn invisible; but I value her for her wisdom and insight. As I offer my services to your world, I am equally offering the deep wisdom she can provide. Serrimu and I don't want your people to fall into slavish dependence on dubious heroes, but we can be helpful friends to you. What we'll NEVER do is demand that you change your way of life to suit us; we can adapt to your ways. It is we, not Superdude or Green Flashlight or Moistureman or Atomic Scalp, who will respect your existing culture. I needed to prevent Urth from knowing what was happening here; but now that I've given the warning, I respect your collective judgment. Never forget what the super-powered Skrunks once tried to do to your world.

"I will not prevent you now from re-activating your space-comms capability, and I will not dictate your next move. I merely REQUEST that you do not tell the Urth people I'm here. Let me be your hole card, your emergency resource. But bear in mind: a world swarming with super-powered people is a world over-supplied with potential tyrants."

Four days after this proclamation, the new Tachyon Loop installation in the America on Urth projected two spaceships across ninety-nine percent of the distance to Senphatori, with programmed "slowdowns" enroute to let Superdude and Superhottie see that they were all right. The newer and larger of the ships, named Hope of Urth, was piloted by Senphatori native Proxima Straightup, with Frankie Chiang of Singapore as copilot. The smaller and older of the ships, known merely by a registry number, was piloted by Adam Straightup, Urth-born husband of Proxima, with Miss Ululani Atuf of Libya as copilot.

After the two ships emerged into normal space near the planet Senphatori, the nanobot arrays planted on both ships by an agent of Urthian villains began secretly transmitting. By the marvel of plotline convenience, Princess/Countess Serrimu Calamari received and understood their message: there were villains on Urth who would welcome any outside allies to strengthen the power of evilness on Urth.
 
In the Southeast Asia of Urth, Noseypickus the evil psychic was the first Urthian super-villain to be aware that the nanobots provided by the Boardroom of Owls had achieved their purpose. The Tachyon Loop expedition had reached Senphatori, and the nanobot arrays hidden on board them had contacted a new super-villain.

The easiest colleagues for Noseypickus to reach at this time were Mirror Merchant, Emir Efreet, and the evil stone giant Weebeejamin. All of these were glad to know that their side might be gaining reinforcements. They urged the psychic to pick up more about the reinforcements. With determined concentration, he succeeded so far as to find that there was a macho villain with strength to compete with Superdude, and he had a girlfriend who could contribute impressive cleverness.

Having this much to report, Noseypickus asked Mirror Merchant to do his own thing. Mirror Merchant accordingly teleported himself to Britain-- to the resort on the Isle of Wight where members of the criminal network held secret meetings. As protection for himself, he carried in his pocket an extra magic mirror, from which his earth-elemental ally Weebeejamin could spring forth if needed. Weebeejamin wasn't needed after all, but was able from where he was to see and hear what went on.

Meeting some of the "Owls," Mirror Merchant told what there was to tell, and the shadowy criminals were mightily pleased. These crooks were encouraged to hope that niceness, fairness and friendliness could soon be pushed back. Being still under the Justified League's radar, several "Owls" undertook to travel to America, and seek out those uncaught evildoers who still were trying to avoid capture WITHOUT leaving the country.

One such American villain, calling herself Rattle-Sneak, had lately been contenting herself with low-profile theft in Tennessee and Kentucky. Mirror Merchant had done his kindred spirits a favor by locating her for them before they left Britain on their talent search. She had never tried to oppose the League head-on, even when more allies would have been available; but she did have potential. Thanks to some plotline-convenient mystical stuff, Rattle-Sneak enjoyed a measure of super-speed. She would not have equaled any version of The Flash, but she could cover long distances on foot, and easily evade any adversary who expected her to have only normal human speed. Her superb reflexes also made her lethal with various weapons. When visited by the Boardroom agents, she displayed interest in helping to rebuild the Super-Gang of Naughty Persons, provided that nobody expected her to try to be THE big powerhouse for the gang.

One option which appealed to Rattle-Sneak would let her avoid the high-intensity comicbook stuff. Moving to Britain and running security at Frankenstadt Tower would confer some importance on her, without requiring her to attempt slugging it out with heroes like Superdude and Superhottie.
 
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"Lift barbells, chest height, now! Lift barbells, full overhead extension! Now, bars behind your heads! In that position, commence running in place! ......Good, now change to hopping up and down in place!"

Back on Awkwardlisp, four days after King Truthside had conferred with Vogg Stoob about Urth, Jasmine "She-Hunk" Waterford was putting the former War Witches through routine physical-fitness drills at what had been a training camp used by the late and unlamented Granny Rudeness. She-Hunk had a rule never again to let these women of many worlds see her in her original shape, after showing it once in the name of honest disclosure. This was not because she cared if they considered her ugly in that form, but because, even after submitting to her leadership, they were not the sort of people to whom Jasmine felt she ought to show any weakness. While she remained in her exquisitely beautiful shape, she was also in the shape which could lift overhead a platform with all of the former War Witches standing on it.

Against the very unlikely chance that one or more of her new disciples might make some kind of trouble, or some intruder menaced her whole group, Jasmine had two sleeve cards in readiness. Her fiance, Jimmy Strum the Unfindable Man, was nearby with his sister, Sushi Strum the Woman Torch; Jimmy was keeping them both invisible. If any serious disturbance arose, Jimmy could simply drop concealment, then place a protective energy barrier between Jasmine and any threat, while Sushi would ignite her flames as an intimidation factor.

Sushi did not wish to kill or severely injure anyone. She still felt sad about having needed to use her flame as a weapon at Stalingrad. But unlike The Human Torch in Marvel Comics on Original Earth, she had never sworn a clear oath never to burn people. If someone threatened her brother, or threatened someone her brother loved, such persons should be sure to have their hospitalization insurance paid up.

Happily, though, no person or creature disrupted the routine session.

Soon after training ceased, Irina Beriya and the Drifla sisters arrived in a sort of robotic aerial taxi. Jasmine embraced and kissed each of them, followed by a light-hearted conversation about the scheduled wedding. Arriving in the same taxi was Iron Gent, a.k.a. Stony Stork, who immediately began his own discussion with the Strum siblings.

"Zoorama has maintained honesty testing on Greensodd; he is not attempting to sabotage us. Where hardware is concerned, we can be ready for a visit to Urth any time after tomorrow."

"What's Doc up to?" asked Jimmy. He and Sushi had lost their father long ago; although Kirk Slippage was only nine years older than Jimmy, and although Jimmy was going to marry a woman close in age to Doc Slippage, Doc's wisdom had led Jimmy to regard him as a sort of uncle.

"Doc is realistic enough to admit that the technology here still is way over his head; but he's learning more about it every day. Happy as a baseball fan invited to party with his favorite team. He's so pumped up for the new knowledge that he isn't even in a hurry to go and see Urth."

Sushi then asked, "Has Preston decided whether he'll personally lead the delegation to meet this 'Justified League' on that other Earth? Is he worried that the people there would mistake him for the actual Twerpseid?"

"No danger of that. Not only does Mister Vincent still look pretty much like himself, but if he meets that mind reader they have, he won't resist having his brain scanned. If he refrains from going on the initial trip, it'll be because he doesn't want to relax his control over Awkwardlisp. If Preston stays behind the first time, he wants Your Humble Servant to be the official spokesman for the goodwill tour. So, are you two in for that first visit?"

Jimmy cleared his throat theatrically. "That sort of takes a back seat to my wedding with Jasmine. We haven't set the date yet; she wants to make sure first that her dozens of new bridesmaids won't start a war at the reception."
 
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In the India of Earth-Whichever, Arush Vhani, the elephant handler who had magically been given super-powers by a mongoose, was busy supervising a team of working elephants on the outskirts of New Delhi. The Indian capital had been the first location hit by Twerpseid's forces; and weeks later, there still remained some rubble needing to be cleared away and sifted for still-usable materials. Arush, now famous as "The Flying Elephant" though he could not literally fly, was in a neighborhood far enough out that elephants could realistically be used in the work; also a neighborhood which had been low in priority for the after-battle cleanup.

Working on a shattered grove of trees was an elephant rider named Gunbir Parekh, a long-time work friend of Arush. Gunbir was the calmest and most unflappable man the young superhero had ever met; but all of a sudden, Gunbir was exclaiming, "Kali protect us, what is THIS???"

One leap of over eighty feet brought Arush close to his friend's elephant. Seeing Arush, Gunbir pointed to where the elephant was trunk-sniffing a still form on the ground. "Arush, I know that all corpses were collected from this place for identification and decent cremation long since! But this body is fresh!"

Crouching beside what seemed a young woman in a green sari, Arush found a discrepancy: something like coils of wire adhering to the skin of her face, neck and shoulders. Emulating the elephant, he lowered his head to take a smell. "Fresh for sure; there's no stink of death at all. The flies aren't even landing on her!"

Descending from his perch, and looking almost frightened, Gunbir extended a hand to touch the side of the woman's neck. "Indra help us, she isn't dead! There's a pulse! But what happened to her head? I know of no sect that uses such a decoration." Even this much was not the end of surprises, as the laborer added, "By Krishna, I think I know her! The second daughter of an incense seller on the far side of the city."
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Jelisaveta Sanjat's parents had died trying to defend her and her siblings against one of the bizarre crab-like aliens who had accompanied the Pukedemons of Twerpseid. Disposing of the valiant mother and father, the Shadything had ignored all of the children except for Jelisaveta. It had assessed this girl as best suited to receive cyber-implants and become a living computer: the same thing which had been done to Corin Webber, formerly of Bubblewrap Five. But that Shadything had itself been slain before it could complete the transformation, and Jelisaveta had wandered away, not knowing what had happened or where she was going.

The Shadything technology had kept her alive, but she was badly dehydrated. A military aid station, still in business because of ongoing medical needs among the survivors of New Delhi, took her off of the elephant crew's hands. But when the day's work at the grove was done, Arush returned to the infirmary-- because confound it, Arush is a good guy who deserves to have a love interest in the story!

When it was confirmed for the Flying Elephant that the girl (woman, really, two years older than the teenager Arush) would live but was not yet able to speak, he went to a temporary army camp where many of the soldiers remembered him from the battle for New Delhi. There, he requested aid with contacting his fellow warrior Golden Rakshasa on Awkwardlisp. When this was worked out, Arush sent her a message: since she and most of the big-shot scientists were on the liberated alien planet right now, could she please ask some of them to return to Earth and look into the matter of Jelisaveta Sanjat?


TIME NOW TO REVISIT A SEPARATE STORY THREAD FOR A WHILE......
 
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On Planet Anoxia, the superheroine She-Wow, a.k.a. Princess Advila, was frustrated at not being able to get off-planet and help her brother Mighty Male, a.k.a. Prince Andy. But even if she had possessed a starship that could reach Planet Alwaysurnia, She-Wow had people depending on her where she was. Where Advila's relatives on Alwaysurnia had only recently suffered an overthrow, Planet Anoxia had been suffering for many years under the tyrant Crowdhack. Only in the few years that Advila had been operating as She-Wow had the Anoxians dared to hope for permanent liberation. Besides, most people on Alwaysurnia didn't even understand what had happened to their world.

In the time since Copperfox had last posted about Planet Anoxia, She-Wow had followed up on her intention to raid Crowdhack's openly-named Evil Research Facility. With the help of ordinary resistance fighters, bolstered by her metahuman friend Flatfoot, she had broken into the very center of that laboratory complex. (For the reader's information, Flatfoot's power was that he could change his weight. He could become light enough to leap up onto a high rooftop, and become heavy enough to crush almost anything that he jumped down onto from above.) The heroes had given many foes non-fatal flesh wounds in their left shoulders; had wrecked all enemy inventions that were too bulky to carry away; and had escaped with smaller devices for study, as well as data recordings on Crowdhack's projects.

Possibly the most important item captured by She-Wow's team was an electronic apparatus which was in conformity with what evildoers all across this story had been doing: trying to extinguish the very belief in morality. When Flatfoot had begun disassembling this invention, it had beamed a signal into his brain: a signal telling him that AsaLion (God) didn't exist, that goodness was unrealistic, that villains were hip and sophisticated, that the dark side had cookies, etc. Flatfoot's natural decency was durable enough that he did not become actively hostile to She-Wow and the other heroes; but he did begin telling them that their fight for freedom was pointless, that the whole conflict was their own fault, that they were guilty of hating Crowdhack "just for being different," and so on.

She-Wow had ordered him to be sedated until a remedy was found for him.

< < < < < < < < < < < <

There was an island in Anoxia's widest ocean, called Paxifica, where in past generations the kings of Anoxia had received ambassadors from other worlds. This island was an ideal place for negotiations: not only because its pleasant climate, but still more because of who hibernated in a cavern far below the surface.

Equivvalentor, the Dragon of Reasonableness, was thought to be as old as the planet itself. He was thought to be sustained by universe-juice or some such fantasy resource. At least he was not known ever to have killed any living thing, and he hated having to take sides in any dispute. His well-known spiritual influence had more than once produced grand success in diplomatic talks held on his island. If he got highly annoyed with people, he might do something like following them home and demolishing a building of theirs AFTER evacuating its occupants. He could make enough trouble for offenders, that even though he would not hurt anyone directly, no one wanted to provoke him. The dragon refused to go all in and help to overthrow Crowdhack; but just because of knowing that Equivvalentor was around, Crowdhack found it prudent not to be as extreme in cruelty as he would otherwise have been.

When enemies met on Paxifica, Equivvalentor knew by clairvoyance everything they did. If they merely had verbal quarrels, no matter how angry, the dragon would let it pass. He would even tolerate an occasional physical scuffle, provided that neither person drew a deadly weapon or intended any serious injury to the other; and he could tell the difference. Whoever first broke the unwritten rules in a given instance would be required to leave the island, on penalty of some non-lethal kind of punishment. The punishments tended to be humorous, like magically causing a person's hair to change into spiny cactus.

The few humans or near-humans who lived full time on Paxifica were all at least theoretically partisans for the missing King and Queen, though they could contribute nothing to the resistance except by provisioning seagoing ships which belonged to the good guys. They all patronized the one social center on the island, a coffee shop called Neutral Grounds. Diplomatic meetings would often be staged inside the coffee shop-- always there during bad weather, except when it was done in a cave in order to invite the Dragon of Reasonableness to comment on the proceedings.

When She-Wow arrived on Paxifica with her water-breathing (but not fish-tailed) friend Surfenbirda, it was to ask Equivvalentor whether he knew any secret remedies for brain-tampering. Surfenbirda had come along because of her genuine friendship with Princess Advila; but honesty requires your historian to reveal that the quasi-mermaid's loyalty to She-Wow did encompass a certain fond wish to marry She-Wow's brother Mighty Male. There was, however, no sneakiness or deception about this relationship. On the very day when Prince Andy alias Mighty Male had come to Anoxia to deliver a magic sword to his sister, Surfenbirda had fallen into infatuation for him, and had immediately told Advila (but not Andy) just what she felt.

Persons on Planet Anoxia who knew anything about the upper social class of Planet Alwaysurnia mostly assumed that Mighty Male would eventually marry Lady Teerifica, daughter of the highly respected Weapons-Man. Surfenbirda, an honorable mer-woman, would never try to break up such a marriage if it did occur; but she could be pardoned if she wished that her theoretical rival Teerifica, WITHOUT suffering any harm, simply WOULDN'T marry Advila's brother.

Right now, however, less than twenty minutes after landing on Paxifica, Surfenbirda caught sight of someone whom she DIDN'T feel guilty about disliking. Two female someones, actually; but She-Wow had rightful first dibs on disliking the villainess Katlittura, so Surfenbirda would focus on disliking Tunafishla, a fellow mer-person but one who favored Crowdhack.
 
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Katlittura, a warrior standing high in Crowdhack's confidence, had the ability to morph into a cougar-like beast. But for her to make this change on Paxifica would instantly attract the attention of Dragon Equivvalentor, and he would expel her from his island. Anyway, both Advila and Surfenbirda were strong enough and thick-skinned enough to fight a cat-formed Katlittura effectively, even bare-handed.

Besides, even the evildoers on Planet Anoxia hardly ever tried actually to kill an adversary. Personal feuds, and even wars, tended to involve endless repeat battles between the same pairs of opponents, be they pairs of men or pairs of women. Since much of the time no one got hurt worth mentioning, time intervals between clashes were sometimes a matter of less than one hour; just an agreed-upon rest break or lunch break between supposedly desperate struggles. Thus, the difference between hostile encounters on Paxifica, and all other fights on the planet, was not as profound as one might expect; it was the difference between ABSOLUTELY no injuries, and occasional non-fatal injuries, with any deaths happening only during the infrequent periods of all-out serious war.

Advila alias She-Wow had fought Katlittura eight hundred fifteen times over the years of their acquaintance. Surfenbirda had fought Tunafishla seven hundred ninety-four times; She-Wow had fought Tunafishla two hundred sixty-six times; and Surfenbirda had fought Katlittura two hundred nineteen times. This didn't count low-intensity token scuffles, of the type that was about to take place again here on Paxifica. In all of these clashes, regardless of who battled whom, and regardless of whether weapons were used or not, the bad girls had INVARIABLY lost, rather like Bluto always losing to Popeye. But because the consequences of losing were so negligible, Katlittura and Tunafishla-- just like other evildoers of either sex who also lost all their battles to She-Wow or Surfenbirda-- never lost hope of winning NEXT time.

If Crowdhack and a few of his top followers had not been a lot more serious and capable than the average for a cartoonish fantasy world, the war to liberate Anoxia would have ended in total victory for the good guys less than a month after it had begun. But since Crowdhack and a few of his top followers WERE extremely serious and extremely capable, no schedule could be estimated for the long-sought conclusive liberation.

Which brings us back to the profoundly trivial and unimportant weaponless battle (albeit sure to be highly emotional for the participants while it was actually in progress) which was about to commence. A dozen or so civilian islanders were watching with moderate interest from forty or fifty feet away, but none of them above the age of six was in any suspense about the outcome. She-Wow was going to defeat Katlittura once again, and Surfenbirda was going to defeat Tunafishla once again. If the good side or the bad side proposed a trade-off of opponents, Tunafishla would also lose to She-Wow, and Katlittura would also lose to Surfenbirda. Then the victorious good girls would help the vanquished bad girls back up onto their feet, dust them off, and invite them to discuss whatever negotiable issues had brought them to the island of diplomacy.
 
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For almost ten seconds, Katlittura and She-Wow faced each other silently, AS IF something that mattered were at stake. Tunafishla and Surfenbirda, the same; just as much tensely absorbed in the moment AS IF one woman or the other might really get hurt, which simply was not going to happen. Then, instead of weapons being drawn, the two pairs of antagonists extended hands toward each other. Not that any one of the four women expected or even wanted to surprise her opponent. This WAS Paxifica, where the Dragon of Reasonableness would not permit a scuffle to result in any harm. Here, the trivial pretense of combat amounted to a conversation opener.

Katlittura extended her left hand toward Advila as they began to step toward each other; one heartbeat later, Advila did the same. Each opponent closed her right hand around the other woman's left wrist, the very action which the out-thrust left hands had purposely invited. Having fastened the mildest of token grips upon each other, Advila and Katlittura promptly commenced pulling, pushing and side-lunging at random, each trying to put the other off balance. Simultaneously with the higher-billed characters, Surfenbirda and Tunafishla bypassed each other's wrists to clasp each other by the shoulders, but from there it was the same shoving-match approach as the other pair had opted for. There was no close-clinched wrestling, let alone any punching, kicking, strangling or biting, but they staggered around, trying to unbalance the opponent.

Even though they knew deep inside they were absolutely certain to lose the struggle in the end, Katlittura and Tunafishla clung to a certain short-term denial. They would each feel good if they could so much as delay their latest defeats. And this much both bad girls did achieve. Tunafishla did pull Surfenbirda off balance, put her on the ground face up, and briefly sit on top of her; four seconds later, Katlittura managed the same thing against Advila alias She-Wow. But five or six seconds after this, Tunafishla was dislodged from her fleeting moment of pinning Surfenbirda, and the same thing befell Katlittura shortly afterward. Now there was a bit of tight wrestling on the ground, but soon the two good girls-- as on so many former occasions-- held the bad girls' shoulders firmly against the turf.

"All right, you two lose again," said Surfenbirda casually; any anger or hatred she had been feeling during the short combat was gone just like that. "So, did you come to Paxifica with something to negotiate, or did you just miss working out with us?" As she finished saying this, she shifted herself away from straddling her fellow mer-woman, and helped her to sit up in turn.

Tunafishla lifted her nose in pretended sulkiness. "Us miss YOU and the puff-brained princess? Twaddle, we missed Equivvalentor!"

Advila, meanwhile, had helped Katlittura all the way up to a standing position, face to face. They kept their arms around each other's waists for as long it took for Advila to tell her own preferred opponent, "You did very well that time, almost had me trapped for a moment or two."

The shape-changing villainess nodded and smiled, then remembered to look defiant and angry. "Thank you. I'll see if I can do STILL better after we finish our official conversation." They both let go of each other, and She-Wow took the lead in speaking.

"Crowdhack-- and I still refuse to call him 'Emperor' Crowdhack-- must want something, to send you here to meet me after my crowd and I gave YOUR crowd a beating at your Evil Research Facility."

"It wasn't that bad a beating," Katlittura retorted. "I know for a fact that at least four fighters in your attack team suffered non-fatal flesh wounds in their left shoulders!"

"But you lost your secret technology anyway, didn't you?" snapped Surfenbirda. Katlittura lunged at the mer-woman directly from her sitting position, and they were fighting.

Tunafishla shifted herself closer to Advila. "I'll be pleased to fight you, too, but I need to stay on task for at least a bit longer. EMPEROR Crowdhack wants his devices back. They're no use to your inferior scientists; other concessions, which my sovereign can offer in return for you relinquishing the stolen items, would benefit you far more."

With the angry panting of the other two women in the background, She-Wow realized that Tunafishla was purposely NOT specifying what item or items were of concern to Crowdhack. The princess-hero thought: Crowdhack doesn't know what his mind-warping device already did to Flatfoot, so he still is hoping that WE don't know what the infernal thing is intended for. If he can bargain with us to get the mind-scrambler back before we do find out its purpose, he hopes he still can erode our morale by the evil invention's faith-destroying influence. Maybe WE can be the ones to trick HIM.

If we do let him haggle and wheedle us into returning our complete haul of his tech samples, including the most important piece AFTER we discover a way to undo its influence, he may assume that we don't EVEN realize which part of our loot from the Evil Research Facility was the most important, never mind knowing how to defeat it. Then we can trip him up when he thinks he'll have our will to fight weakened.

"All right, Tunafishla, you've made a good case. Come ahead and let's get you defeated once more, and then you and Katlittura can head back and tell Crowdhack that negotiation on this subject is approved in principle."

"Very well, Advila; only, make that after I defeat you!"-- and the mer-villainess threw herself upon She-Wow. Katlittura suffered a fresh loss to Surfenbirda while the other two women were grappling. Once She-Wow had followed up with her own latest victory, they all stood up and cordially shook hands.

"Will you be heading straight home, Kat?" She-Wow asked.

"Not if I can first persuade you to join Tuna and me at the coffee shop," replied Katlittura. "There's one other subject I want to discuss with you before we say goodbye for now. This is my own idea, not by Emperor Crowdhack's orders, but neither is it breaking my loyalty to him. I'll buy the coffee, and you know that Neutral Grounds won't allow anyone to be drugged there."

"Advila, I think we can afford to make this concession to them," said Surfenbirda.

She-Wow silently nodded; then all four women linked arms and strolled off toward the coffee shop.
 
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Inside the coffeeshop, the four women sat in clockwise order: She-Wow, Katlittura, Surfenbirda, Tunafishla. While waiting for their coffee and bagels to arrive, Tunafishla challenged Surfenbirda to a series of arm-wrestling bouts. The bad girl actually won the first time with their right arms, only to lose two subsequent bouts. Then Tunafishla called for left-arm bouts, producing the same results.

Meanwhile, Katlittura raised a subject completely unconnected with the plundering of the Evil Research Facility.

"Take a look at me, Princess Advila. Am I any less attractive than you are?"

"No, you're not. You're not wearing anything glamorous, but you look just fine physically, which proves that even a bad person can LOOK good. You even look good for a big cat when you turn into a big cat. What's your point?"

"My point is that YOU are always fancied up: hair neatly styled, attractively dressed, and so on."

"Well, for full disclosure, my hair is always neat because of a minor enchantment which hovers around me. Again, your point is what?"

"My point is a matter of irony. As 'She-Wow,' you brag and boast what a noble freedom fighter you are. But you yourself are a captive slave, and what holds you in bondage is an oppression which was already ancient before Emperor Crowdhack was born."

Advila peered more closely at her frenemy. "Please don't tell me that liking to look nice is what makes me a captive."

"But it is!" Tunafish interrupted. "I look good too, don't I? Even STUPID-burden here is good-looking. Lots of us on Anoxia re attractive. But just like Kitty, I don't get specially dolled up anymore. You've wrestled and fenced against me often enough to know that. I don't positively hate looking nice, but preserving civilization is more important to me."

Surfenbirda laid a hand on her own frenemy's near shoulder. "The subject of what Crowdhack ever contributed to civilization can wait. But let's listen to Katlittura explaining why liking to feel attractive makes She-Wow a slave."

"Enough if Princess Prissy hears the answer from a woman with brains," Tunafishla shot back. "You and I need to take OUR part of the discussion back outside, right now." Surfenbirda was up for this. She and Tunafishla strode out of Neutral Grounds together, and at some point in Advila and Katlittura's ongoing conversation the sounds of another bloodless physical struggle began drifting in through a window.

"Governmental administration is what separates communicative bipeds from instinct-ruled animals. Most humanoids are too dim-witted by nature to know how to manage their own affairs, but they ARE smart enough to recognize a leader and obey orders. Individual freedom results in collective anarchy, but the sum of everyone individually OBEYING results in collective peace."

She-Wow cocked her blonde head. "And my liking to feel pretty harms my civilization how?"

Tapping a finger on her empty coffee mug, Katlittura metaphorically pounced. "It objectifies you! It makes you a passive object of male desire! It robs you of autonomy and agency! Now, I have no problem serving the male Crowdhack, because he is incapable of being distracted by anything like love or tenderness; he is on task day and night, promoting order and regulation. But men who meet you instinctively start imagining an INDIVIDUAL emotional connection. That way lies chaos-- and chaos brings oppression of women! That's right: every man on your side who wishes to be with you, is privately wishing to dominate and humiliate you."

She-Wow rolled her eyes. "All right, I see where you're pointing. So give it up. Unless your espionage network has utterly fumbled its job, you are aware that I am THE LEADER of the Anoxian Resistance. Men-- and I don't mean weaklings or fools, I mean strong and productive men like Flatfoot and Bowstring-- obey my orders without complaint, because we share the vision of liberty. I fail to see how this makes them would-be oppressors, or exposes me to a threat of enslavement. As a matter of fact, YOU are far more desirous to control and humble me than any of the men on my side are! So, do we negotiate about Crowdhack's hardware, or don't we?"

"We negotiate..... but only after I put you in your place by defeating you again!" (Stubborn denial was Katlittura's foremost super-power.)

"All right, our coffee is paid for. Let's join Surfenbirda and Tunafishla outside."

"No need to do that. I challenge you to a SPORTS TRIVIA contest!"

Princess Advila consented to this. Half an hour later, she failed to answer a question about children's lacrosse teams, and Katlittura gloated in her grand victory.
 
The actual bargaining was anticlimactic. Speaking for the Anoxian Resistance, Princess Advila offered to return the items taken from the Evil Research Facility at an agreed-on meeting place, if her people were allowed to study the items for another four days after Advila made it back to base. Katlittura demanded that the handover must happen the same day Advila got home. When Advila rejected this demand, the two bad girls started another not-very-violent brawl with the good girls. Once Advila was firmly sitting on top of a defeated but unhurt Katlittura, and Surfenbirda ditto on Tunafishla, the bad girls accepted a generous compromise. The technology would be returned to The Mob a day and a half after She-Wow got home.

When the boat used by the good girls was ready to embark (with Dragon Equivvalentor guaranteeing safe passage for it), the bad girls picked one more fight, as their idea of a fond farewell. The two mer-women had their grapple underwater, the others on a grassy spot near the beach. As soon as the bad girls had lost again, She-Wow and Surfenbirda set sail.

Only when Paxifica was behind the horizon did Equivvalentor lift his magnificent scaly head from the waves.

"Good women, I have news for you. Your concession on timing will not harm your cause at all. When you return to your base, you will find out that the secrets of Crowdhack's equipment have already been completely unlocked, and your friend Flatfoot has been restored to his right mind. This was done by someone you never heard of, but I will vouch for it that he is a wizard on the side of good. He has long been aware of YOUR existence, but like me, he has reasons to limit his interaction with others."

"Do you know why this mysterious benefactor chose now to intervene for us?" asked Surfenbirda.

"Suffice it to say that his timing is convenient for the plotline. He will have additional good news to tell you when you meet him."

"What's his name?" asked Advila.

"He calls himself Hector von Bootblack."
 
Next, we return to Spaceballs-related characters, along with a version of the canonical non-human Star Wars hero Plo Koon. I initially repeat some of what was previously written about my version of Master Plo.....

Plow Korn had lately earned the gratitude and respect of both intelligent races in the Directvidean System, by rooting out the Snarkonnen infiltrator who had murdered the Chimpanzian diplomat Proconsul. Plow Korn and several companions were now heading for Toofah-Roff, the native world of Master Yoga-Rug, to create friendly relations with that planet.

The somewhat slow-witted but good-hearted Duke Diskoduck of Planet Directvideo was on board the starship. Also representing the humans of the Directvidean System were Rabbishop Malarkey and an attractive space pilot named Wilma Dearthing. Representing Planet Chimpanzia were two recently-married individuals who were equally attractive by ape standards, and who had helped to catch the spy Fooldemall: Inspector Antilacor, a no-nonsense officer of his world's internal security network, and his bride Lucasta, sister of the deceased Minister Proconsul.

Plow Korn and Lucasta both spent much of the voyage learning from Wilma how to pilot their ship. The Fuss master was already a proficient space pilot, and merely needed to learn the specifics of this particular ship design. Lucasta had never before even imagined herself becoming an astronaut; but her life had become far more adventurous lately, so why not grab the opportunity to learn an adventuring skill? Wilma was more than glad to instruct them; there was no such thing as having too many potential substitute pilots.

Master Plow knew the way to Toofah-Roff, and in a reasonable span of time they were in parking orbit above that world, speaking with the garrison of soldiers assigned here by the Republic of Lots of Worlds. Learning what Moose Windchime and other good guys were now up to, Plow asked Rabbishop Malarkey and the other civilians whether they felt they could carry out the friend-making job without him.

Antilacor and the rest were amenable to this, understanding that Plow Korn was bent on fighting evildoers very similar to the Spacebullion aggressors who had formerly threatened Planet Directvideo with genocide. The leading elders of Yoga-Rug's race welcomed those who would stay on-planet and proceed with diplomacy; they also provided one Fuss-powered helper for the up-side hero. Transmeddit, a Toofah-Roffian male at a maturity level equivalent to a human in his mid-twenties, thus joined Plow Korn, Wilma Dearthing and the robot Clankalot. Duke Diskoduck, although he had no outstanding skills, longed to be useful somehow, so Master Plow allowed him to come along as well.

Within ten hours after they got underway, Transmeddit found an opportunity to talk with Plow Korn in the Toofah-Roffian language, which many up-side adepts could speak and which hardly any other non-Toofah-Roffians knew. The young green fellow began the conversation for business purposes, but eventually the two colleagues felt able to go beyond practical mission talk.

Transmeddit asked, "Am I the only one who suspects that our aristocratic passenger feels attracted to our captain?"

Plow's tusked face took on its own form of a thoughtful expression. "I know that he notices her, but I'm not yet sure if he feels anything serious."

To the surprise of both sort-of-men, Clankalot entered their discussion in the same language. "Begging your pardon, but I know the language you are using, and no one will be injured by my offering information concerning the humans you are talking about. If the man you have mentioned feels a conjugal impetus toward the female astronaut, his chances of success are much better than he could imagine."

"Please elaborate," said the Toofah-Roffian adept.

"One of the few practical accomplishments which the aristocrat can claim is that he swims very well. On our home planet, we have many lakes and streams. One day, when the aristocrat was twelve years old and the space captain was eight, the captain's mother suffered cramps while swimming, and could easily have drowned. The aristocrat pulled her out of the water; whacked his own head on a tree as he heaved her up onto land, but nonetheless did save her. The aristocrat had no occasion to meet with that family in the years following, but our pilot never forgot what he had done for her mother."

"So if our pilot ever did attempt from her side to attract him," Plow asked, "she would not be acting solely from social ambition?"

"Definitely not, sir. The captain has made her own way very well in life, and can be satisfied with herself as a skilled professional. She is no fortune hunter, she can live comfortably on her own salary. But her gratitude to the aristocrat is profound."

"Well, time will tell."
 
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Three shipboard nights passed before the Directvidean ship made it from Toofah-Roff to the general vicinity where Moose Windchime's ship was operating. On those nights, Plow Korn stayed up with Clankalot while all other flesh-and-blood personnel slept. Just before he went to sleep after the last of these three watches, Plow told Transmeddit: "An hour ago, I caught a sense of three up-side presences: Moose, Nonsmoka, and Zipprukken the Greedork. They were together, and others with them, undertaking a mission. Unlike Yoga-Rug, I can't just plain TALK to other adepts at a distance, but I was able to make them aware of me, and of the fact that I was looking for them with friends."

"My subspace radio suite hasn't got your encryption keys," Wilma Dearthing told the two Fuss users. "I don't suppose you fellows carry copies of those around with you?"

"No," Plow told her. "But we have certain codewords which can be sent in the clear. I'll give Transmeddit some of those before I turn in, so he can use the appropriate ones after Master Windchime sends codewords of his own. Then we'll be able to decide our next move." While Plow slept, his Toofah-Roffian friend acted upon his instructions.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Master Korn is coming!" Moose Windchime rejoiced. "Our prospects for success just shot upward!"

"I take it he's good," remarked Melodica.

"Very nearly as good as Master Yoga-Rug," said Hoppaway, the Toofah-Roffian teenage-girl-equivalent who had come along on the trip. "Of course, only Master Yoga-Rug can put a hand on his own head and dribble himself around like a basketball."

Vin Gasleen, tallest of the seven human soldiers detached from the garrison on Toofah-Roff, deadpanned, "One time I saw him kick himself in the rear like a football, and send himself soaring across a set of goalposts."

Benzine Tancur, the blonde woman who was Nonsmoka's trainee, joined in: "And once I saw Yoga-Rug throw a fifty-four-yard pass to himself when there were just two seconds left in the game, but he threw the ball so fast that it traveled back in time, so that when he caught his own pass there was fully half a minute for him to get across the goal line."

Three seconds after the third joke was uttered, a small miracle happened.

Samladel Fripp, the yellow-skinned, tail-headed woman who had been rescued from slavery..... laughed. It was the first laugh anyone else in the compartment had ever heard from her mouth. Little Hoppaway hurried over to hug the Tryyurluck woman, crying out in happiness for her friend. Moose Windchime released his guitar from its compressed form, and played the most cheerful melody he could think of.

Eventually they turned their thoughts back to the mission; but the step of healing which Samladel had just experienced brightened all their spirits.

Moose Windchime's Shatterplace foresight advised him that the new aliens, the Barnsmell, whom Admiral Skrawn relied on to be planetside shock troops, were in fact the enemy's weak link. The one starship in which the present group of good guys rode could scarcely make a dent in Skrawn's naval strength, and the also modest-sized ship that was bringing Plow Korn would add very little to their firepower. But a hard surprise blow against the Barnsmell infantry might seriously disrupt the Grand Admiral's plans.
 
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The two good-guy ships rendezvoused at a cautious distance from the planet which Imperial forces were using as a gathering place. Joining airlocks, Moose Windchime and Melodica went aboard the ship from Directvideo, greeted Plow Korn, and conferred with Wilma Dearthing about Wilma's ability and her ship's capability.

"One of the most respected pilots in the Republic of Lots of Worlds, Pro Dashalong, has done something which few astronauts ever dared to try. He has made a lightspeed jump DIRECTLY INTO a planet's atmosphere. If we could safely duplicate that stunt, we could surprise-attack the Barnsmell warriors who've been billeted on the planet, put a major scare on them, and shock them into having second thoughts about whether they really want to support the Empire of Evil Badness."

Wilma raised a perfect eyebrow. " 'Empire of Evil Badness'? Is that what THEY really call themselves?"

"Honestly, it is. The late and unlamented Emperor Porkanbeen liked exaggerating things; besides, there are so many evil space empires, you have to have SOME way to tell one from the next."

"All right, let's move along to the spaceship-capability subject."

For the next three hours, Moose Windchime and Wilma Dearthing ignored everyone and everything else, focusing entirely on whether or not the into-atmosphere jump could be achieved without wrecking the ships. Melodica, who had noticed at first glimpse that Wilma was even more perfectly beautiful than Melodica was, began to feel jealous and insecure. But then she remembered that she had begun to develop Fuss talent; so she took a psychic peek into the other woman's personality-- and found that Wilma had not even the teeniest little bit of interest in stealing any other woman's man. In fact, and Melodica found this amusing as well as reassuring, Wilma proved to be passionately in love with Duke Diskoduck .

While unable to pick up details, Melodica sensed that Diskoduck had done some great good turn for Wilma in the past, but Wilma was too shy to attempt attracting a man so far above her in their society. Perhaps Melodica could assist the other woman there, since Melodica had herself won the heart of an honorable man who vastly outranked her in social status.

Eventually Moose and Melodica returned to their ship. Diskoduck accompanied them, out of a general curiosity to look around the other ship and meet the people on board it. Antilacor and Lucasta filled the vacuum, as it were, on board the Directvidean ship, grabbing their turn to discuss an idea with the one Fuss up-sider whom they had come to know in depth.
 
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"Master Korn," Lucasta began, "when we set out to meet your associates, we knew hardly anything about this Admiral Skrawn, and ABSOLUTELY nothing about HIS new associates the 'Barnsmell,' But now that we know a bit about them..... specifically, them being FURRY bipeds..... I had an idea."

Antilacor expanded on this a bit: "Her idea derives from the fact that the assassin whom you arrested for murdering her brother was a DISGUISE expert."

"And we Chimpanzians are also furry bipeds," Lucasta concluded.

"I get it!" A lightbulb went on above Plow Korn's head. Not just symbolically; some years ago, Plow had acquired a Fuss ability no one else had, a power which, on unpredictable occasions of realizing something, would cause an ACTUAL lighting element, properly speaking more a diode than a bulb, to materialize in the air above his head. "Meaning that YOU TWO could assume a disguise as Barnsmell, provided your faces could be disguised accordingly."

"But not much use," Antilacor cautioned, "unless we can SAY something to the brutes."

Wilma, who had been listening, said, "Clankalot possesses a vast linguistic database. He might be able to coach you in a few lines to say. Clanky, old boy, do you know the speech of these Barnsmell?"

"Yes, Captain, so I do. Some of what they say among themselves consists of growls which a Chimpanzian would not be able to duplicate, but most of it is in the form of actual pronounceable words."

Lucasta smiled. "So if we can construct suitable sentences for our purpose which don't use any of the growls, it might work."

Plow Korn's tusked face assumed a thoughtful expression. "But what if the Barnsmell recognize a wrong SCENT from you?"

Antilacor shrugged. "We just need to approach our targets from downwind, and Lucasta's idea will work."
 
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On the surface of the backwater planet:

Dahabsa the Krodish was the daughter of Vidrahu the Krotaff, who had been the last Barnsmell chieftain to retain a toehold on any of the planets colonized by Ringjonn Earth. Her sadistic and selfish father had been caught by vengeful humans when he was less than ten paces short of reaching his shuttle. The tyrant had been treated to a long, long, LONG death by torture; and to add mortal insult to mortal injury, even some of the Pindowny, peace-loving aliens who were friendly to humans, had gleefully joined in tormenting their long-time tormentor. Pieces of the ever-so-deceased Vidrahu had been shipped to Barnsmell-occupied worlds to frighten them-- and to Pindowny-occupied worlds, to encourage them.

In an unarmed encounter, Dahabsa knew she could easily slay any human-- unless that human enjoyed the sort of advantages possessed by the woman looking at her now. Dahabsa still did not understand "The Fuss" well, but she knew that the human called Sweetslayer HAD whatever it was. The woman was able to produce, from a ring on her hand, something like a sword blade made of coherent light. Sweetslayer was also able-- and had proven it several times, with individual Barnsmell who had talked back to her-- to levitate an adult Barnsmell two hundred feet straight up, then drop him to suffer broken bones. Yet the Barnsmell as a group didn't seem to resent this dominance behavior; Sweetslayer was LESS vicious to them than their own bosses were. They just needed to understand that their traditional bosses were no longer on top of the heap.

The blue-skinned human or near-human called Thuglife Skrawn walked up alongside his right-hand woman. Admiral Skrawn was powerfully built enough that he might have had SOME chance of surviving against a Barnsmell at close quarters. But the foundation of Skrawn's command over others, including over the super-powered Sweetslayer, consisted in his high intelligence, his organizational skills, and his readiness to reward good performance. Brutish as the Barnsmell were, they actually could respect leadership of that sort. Dahabsa certainly respected it.

Skrawn spoke first to Sweetslayer: "Are the late Vidrahu's senior executives gathered as I requested?"

"At least the eight most promhinent, Admiral."

"Thank you, Sweetslayer, that should be good enough. Have plotline-convenient translation devices been issued to those who need them?"

"Yes, sir."

Now Skrawn faced Dahabsa, and gestured broadly for the other leaders to draw near. "Listen closely, chieftains of the ancient Barnsmell. From what I know to date, your race until recently ruled an empire larger than my own, though only a few of the races you dominated possessed high technology. It is unlikely that any of you ever will stand at the very peak of our hierarchy, but there is no reason why you cannot enjoy a comfortable place in the orderly civilization I am building.

"Militarily, nothing you possess is better than what we already have in our arsenal; but as individual warriors for ground warfare, you are highly valuable. Our ongoing relationship will reflect these facts. I am aware that, before you were freed from your artificial pacifist programming, you used human soldiers to protect you against the reptilian Postalfiend hordes; but now you can once more do your own fighting, and you shall fight by your own consent against our anarchist foes. You will be square pegs in square holes, fighting in the fashion that suits you best."

Dahabsa cleared her throat. "But we will EVENTUALLY be trained with your superior space technology, right?"

"When you have proven faithful to your side of the agreement, yes, you shall begin acquiring more modern equipment. But in the meantime, we will not simply expend your lives as missile fodder. As prelude to your first major action for us, we will use our fleet to attack parts of the Republic of Lots of Worlds from space. This will cause them to relocate the very warships which would pose a danger to your troop transports, so you can conduct infantry landings on worlds deprived of high cover. And by the time the anarchists realize how we tricked them, technicians of ours who accompany you will have had time to set up anti-spaceship defenses on the planets you have conquered."

"Will we be allowed to eat people who resist us?"

"This will have to be negotiated before your first planet-grabbing campaign," said Sweetslayer. The Admiral added, "You certainly will NOT be permitted to go around eating just anybody. But the most stubborn rebels, well, quite possibly."
 
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BACK IN THE DUNE-BASED REALITY, Stillneater Ashtrayides had chosen a full-time pilot for the new ship "Waterpark One," a Waterpark-born man named Ulysses Bardette, who had been one of the workers building the ship after the pattern of the Selenium Falcon. Ulysses' technical qualifications had been the real reason for selecting him; but it didn't hurt that he was the boyfriend of the young Penny Jezebel Fluralida.

Alec Hurdygurdy and Felicia Baenboox were once again managing things on Waterpark, the ancestral homeworld of the Ashtrayides family. Stillneater, as Acting Duke of House Ashtrayides, confirmed the desert chieftain Sleevecard continuing his regency over Planet Srirachiss, with Tutti Howizzit and Captain Kracknuck as his chief advisors. Because the low-level Naughtygator Haxxadoff had been behaving well, Stillneater told Haxxadoff to join him, Princess Eerilake, Ulysses and Fluralida on Waterpark One's first serious interstellar voyage.

To make a long post short, Stillneater soon established subspace radio comms with his mother, sister and aunt on Seedubb Earth. He told them that the development of non-Jalapeno-dependent starships was proceeding well. They told him some of what was happening on Seedubb: mainly the disappearances of Marysuefire, Goldfinch, Green Flashlight's Flashlight, and Captain Patriot's shield. Next, Stillneater called the Selenium Falcon, and was answered by Puke.

"Hello, nephew! I mean, Groaner's nephew. How ya doing?"

Reading something in the demi-human's voice, Stillneater took on a sympathetic tone. "Puke, I apologize for never asking you about your family and your homeworld."

Puke smiled wistfully. "I was born on Planet Kashorcheck; my people are famous as mighty warriors. Some of them fought alongside the up-siders against Emperor Porkandbeen. But I was considered weird because I wasn't eight feet tall. I'm a sort of galactic hobbit."
 
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