The Duffer Encyclopedia

[Dernhelm]

You're too kind.

 

[Olórin the Wise]

You're welcome.




(stupid 30 second rule)

 

[Lady Callandra]

mehhh, but then the pie (mplf) pans would be dented....I'd rather use pie (mplf) and make more later than ruin the pie (mplf) pans and not be able to make more later....then again, I could always use Wesley.

 

[Dernhelm]

How about skipping the whole thing?

 

[Lady Callandra]

but Wesley hasn't had this sort of fun in ages!!! Are you going to ruin his life by depriving him of such fun, Derny??? *holds up Wesley and gives big puppy dog eyes*

 

[Olórin the Wise]

Or you could throw Humphrey... although, knowing Humphrey, he would more likely turn around and throw you instead.

 

[Lady Callandra]

yyyyyeeeeeaaahhhhhhh, plus humphrey would throw pies (mplf) at me and then throw me...then we're back to the whole wasting pies (mplf) discussion

 

[Olórin the Wise]

Ah, what the heck. Just shove it all down the black hole, we can worry about it later.

 

[Lady Callandra]

I thought we were already in the black whole........

 

[Miss Freckles]

The Beard

[biəd] m; duffer object belonging to Olórin the Wise. Some of the best-known characteristics of the beard are that it is uneducated, intimidating, militant, serves as a hiding place for all sorts of items, triggers other people's aggression and envy, can talk, can blink, and identifies its bearer as old and male (leading to confusion when combined with long hair, as in Olórin's case). Speculations are that the wizard grew his beard at the age of 1067,3867. We do, however, know that it took 157 years to grow.

Actually my beard took 157 years to grow...

MY BEARD DOESN'T DO MATH! Honestly! It just intimidates people. Like Lieke.

No wonder my beard has been so militant lately.

*examines lock of beard which she has taken*
weird. i found a can of cheese whiz, picasso's portrait of suzanne bloch, a ray of sunlight, an egg, a spoon, queen susan's horn, the oxford english dictionary, a compass that doesn't point north, a glue stick, beard conditioner, a folder with gg's complete dental records, a copy of winnie the pooh, doom, and waldo in one lock of his beard. i wonder what the rest contains...

Beard: You can say that again! Finally! I get some well-deserved sympathy!
Me: *blink* ...I really didn't think I hit my head that hard...
Beard: Oh, come on, you ungrateful *BLEEEEP*. Here I am, gracing your face with my presence and doing my level best to look distinguished, and you ignore me! The injustice of it!
Me: Now just a minute! I've been defending you from others' ridiculing since time out of mind! And YOU'RE calling ME ungrateful? Yeesh!
Beard: Um... oh yeah? Prove it!
Me: *sigh* *gets blackboard* *draws right triangle* Ok, so here we are. I'm the hypoteneuse, you're Leg 1, and MF is Leg 2.
Beard: ...what?
Me: Now, since all right angles are equal to all other right angles, I, the hypoteneuse, am equal to the hypoteneuse of this 20-70 right triangle, which has a length of G for Gratitude. Therefore, you are ungrateful.
Beard: *blink*
Me: Wait... how does a beard blink?
Beard: Um... *blink*
Me: Stop that! It's creepy.
Beard:

Oh sure, a girl with a long white beard... riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...

And how old were you when you started growing said beard?

About 1067,3867 years?

These are only the obvious qualities of the Beard. Controversy started early as the Beard became a popular bullying object for various duffers. Its colour has always had a prominent role in this and was much debated. This phenomenon was interpreted by Dr. dipl. O. Rable-Loonie in his latest work as "the eternal yearning of dufferkind to attain unconfined superiority over the ever diminishing authority of the cornflakes bowl in view of the reciprocal present-day pizza / breakfast relation in the postmodern USA" (Marsh of the Moustache, Dufferland 2009, $17,95).

The Beard was accused of being fake, premature or unable of understanding pseudo-intellectual prattling.

Well... you do have long hair, Olorin, why wouldn't you be a girl??? (except for the beard, but that might be fake)

Well Olorin, it was of course I who discovered that your beard was in fact stuck on with guacamole and that you are incapable of growing facial hair because you are in fact a lady!!! Now I am revealing this secret to the world so they can know the truth! Why else would we call him Lauren

-little boy with snotty nose: c'n i pway wif your beard, missssstewr? *tugs on laurens premature beard and incidently gets snot on it*
-random other children: *tackle lauren with hugs, cars, dolls, and snot*

I should say that the inherent minuscule intelligence quotient (this factor is also known under the vulgar shortened form 'IQ') of the average beard prevents the careful consideration of the question necessary to ascertain its solution.

Its bearer, Olórin the Wise, never despaired but faithfully defended his facial decorum.

Leave off my beard, thou foul and uncouth ruffians! For 'tis a noble beard, and mighty, and thou dost not well to pull upon it. And if thou dost pull upon my mighty beard, thou shalt be destroyed, and cast into the blackest pit of this Forum. And the Black Holes shal torture thee therein, and the Uber Turnip shall devour thee, and thy torment shall be the terror of the world, and all shall speak of it in whispers, even to the end of days.

wouldn't know, because I was at the bottom of the hole in the bottom of the sea at the bottom of the cliff. Hmph. My poor beard. *strokes it*

Its adversaries then turned violent and tried to harm the beard in a variety of ways.

*shaves off Olorin's beard*holds it hostage*

I'll give you back the beard if you give me the CW!

*lights beard on fire*tackles SG*

you should've seen him when they used his beard as a mop the other day...

Sturnidae is so suffering from his ID-crisis that he takes you right to Camelot, where people mistake you for king Arthur (it's the beard) and you get killed by Lancelot.

As previously mentioned, the colour of the beard mattered a good deal to Olórin the Wise and everyone involved in the battle of the beard. Originally, it was undoubtedly of a bright white colour (although it has been suggested that it might have been grey before and turned white only after the wizard's temporary hallucinations, having just fought a flaming balrog on top of a freezing mountain), but soon rumours spread which suggested that the beard could change its colour.

i saw his beard turn purple

And as for the beard part, it frightens me, really, only the thought of it nearly kills me. That´s why i have decided to...
[…] PAINT IT PINK!!! *paints Olorinsesss´ beard pink*

Now it´s not scary anymore *points and laughs*
Earth: *gets back together, but first lets Olorinsesss fall in-between to the magma*
Brendan Fraser: At the center of the earth, what shall i find there? Will it be a new world? New creatures? Dinosaurs perhaps, who knows what is there. But i, i will be the first one to set foot there, and what i will find will change the wo...
Olorinsesss: *moves a bit*
Brendan Fraser: What is this, it doesn´t look human, is it a new species? Is it... PINK BEARD!!! AAHHH *runs away*
Olorinsesss: WATCH OUT FOR THAT...
Brendan Fraser: AUCH!
Olorinsesss: tree...

Lieke's claim found acceptance among the duffers at large, even though Olórin the Wise continued to deny the pinkness of his beard. The owner should know the colour of his beard, as has been pointed out time and again, but since it was Lieke (ruler of the universe) who claimed that his beard be pink, we'll believe her, since she is the one brainwashing us.

MY BEARD IS NOT PINK!!

The beard also frequently turns into a bear:

The beard turns into a bear every second Tuesday. Fortunately, it's usually hibernating.

Today, several legends involving the beard are known (thanks to John Goodhill and Wilhelm Batzendorf's popular standard work Luminous Locks - Legends and Tales Around the Beard) which tell, for example, of finding the needle in the beard or cult rituals celebrating the beard.

there was a blue wizard, and he was evil (as basically all wizard with a beard are).

At the front, there was an old man with a pink beard. Behind him, about fifty dishwasher machines walked, talking excitedly.
“Uh…” Miss Freckles said. “I’m sorry, why are the dishwashers following you?”
A head popped out of one of the dishwashers and answered.
“This is Olórin the Wise. He wanted to be worshipped for his beardiness, so he let GKoN clone his dishwasher fourty-nine times.”

It is not known for certain what the Beard is up to these days. Recent news support speculations that the Beard is developing superpowers which it will use in support of his reputation.

mf: *is bored* *turns on tv*

newsreporter: ... so please help the evacuees to find a place to stay until the mystery around the "bearded phantom" is brought to light...

Beard: *explodes LBT's stomach* *cleans self up* *reattaches to my face*

Proverbs like "What the Beard!" or "By the Beard!" show that the Beard will indeed not be forgotten quickly.

~submitted by Miss Freckles (with capitals!)

 

[Olórin the Wise]

Ahhh... I admit... that was a much better entry than any that I could have written... except for the pinkness part, of course. Hmph! It's all an illusion, you see, you're all wearing pink sunglasses, so you think my beard is pink...

 

[Miss Freckles]

what about the blind man? do you simply neglect his statement.

his beard is pink. i know it in my heart.

and yes, i work for lieke, i admit. as long as derny doesn't accept her dufferness, that is.

 

[fernshirehobbit]

that was an amazing beard entry!!! *claps*

 

[~Lava~]

Lava must not have gotten the message that the beard was pink. She has always seen it as white.

Lava is Considering writing an entry on Third Person.

 

[Miss Freckles]

Lava must not have gotten the message that the beard was pink. She has always seen it as white.

Lava is Considering writing an entry on Third Person.

no! don't encourage him! we almost had him convinced his beard was pink... *sighs*

while writing on the beard, another duffer item popped into my head which we should have an entry for, but now it popped out again... if i remember, i'll post it here.

 

[Miss Freckles]

Cheese

Food consisting of proteins and fat from milk with a beneficial effect on sleep.

On NF / TDL, cheese is generally agreed to be an essential part of a meal, along with pie (mplf) and coffee-flavoured ice cream (although some members will eat about anything, and that's a fact.)

A (member) who is famous for his obsession with cheese is Humphrey, who coined the phrases

If you don't know what to do, eat cheese.

talk is silver, cheese is golden.

A special kind of cheese, which comes in cans, is sought by duffers in the Cheese Whiz thread. The importance of cheese can be deduced from multiple other threads called Cheese Family, More Cheese, Cheese vs. Mushrooms, Cheesecake, Cheez-It Appreciation Day, or Cheesy.

The recently confirmed scientific theory that cheese plays a large role in the dufferish brain serves as an explanation to this astonishing awareness of cheese.

Historians still try to figure out what part cheese plays in the naming of the "Golden Age".

~submitted by Miss Freckles
~sources: The Dancing Lawn; www.wikipedia.org

 

[Miss Freckles]

my sincerest apologies for double-posting, but i just saw that we have no entries yet for h, and it strikes me as unfair.

Habeas Corpus

(1) Latin expression for a law that gives you rights, often suspended and reinstated from its first appearance in the Middle Ages. Something unheard of in Dufferland.

(2) Name of Lieke's toothbrush.


Hallucinations

This entry is not really here.


Hatchet

Weapon whose existence HB should never hear of. In rural folktales, the hatchet is also known as "Fred's bane" (meaning of term still unclear).


Headache

Painful throbbing in the upper region of the head. Headaches are caused by unusually pointless or confusing posts in Dufferland, unusually long and pointless or confusing posts or head injuries caused by whales, cliffs, cacti, coffee-poisoning or pancakes.
Headaches usually last for as long as the affected duffer can focus their attention on said post (usually 0,02 - max. 8 seconds). In the case of the maximum credible headache, the pain will last forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and the accompanying stabs of pains will torture the victim over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.


Health

see Headache


Heroism

Happens every day.

~submitted by Miss Freckles

 

[Lady Callandra]

hmmm.....I know of a couple....but I'm terrible at these things like oly and freaks.

and that thing on cheese and every H entry was just pure brilliance. *brava clap*

 

[Dernhelm]

Headache

Painful throbbing in the upper region of the head. Headaches are caused by unusually pointless or confusing posts in Dufferland, unusually long and pointless or confusing posts or head injuries caused by whales, cliffs, cacti, coffee-poisoning or pancakes.
Headaches usually last for as long as the affected duffer can focus their attention on said post (usually 0,02 - max. 8 seconds). In the case of the maximum credible headache, the pain will last forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and the accompanying stabs of pains will torture the victim over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

~submitted by Miss Freckles

 

[Dernhelm]

Health

see Headache

~submitted by Miss Freckles