The Marketplace of Technique: Open to All

It was the end of summer and you could see the metamorphsis of the trees start to arise. The leaves still held their summer green, yet I could faintly see from my window, that they were starting to change into the beautiful cascade of colors that fall brings.


The above is one of the first paragraphs in a book that I am attempting to write. The people who have read it tell me that it sounded pretty beautiful.
o.0
What do you guys think?
 
Very nice. Slight change of vocabulary suggested:

from

It was the end of summer and you could see the metamorphsis of the trees start to arise. The leaves still held their summer green, yet I could faintly see from my window, that they were starting to change into the beautiful cascade of colors that fall brings.

to

It was the end of summer, and the trees showed hints of their oncoming metamorphasis. The leaves still clung to their summer green, yet I could see faintly from my window that they were edging into the beautiful cascade of autumn colour.

Very good job, Bruiser. You'll notice that I got rid of passive case...that the change started to arise. I also used "still clung to" rather than "held" because it sounds like a bloke hanging from a dangling rope who dares not let go. Again on passive case, rather than fall bringing the colour, I had the trees edging into it.

Passive case is fine when it's called for, but generally I'd rather say "they were shooting people" than "people were being shot".

I would have just said "very nice" and left it at that if I thought it wouldn't do any good. When I pick things apart it's because I have faith in the author's ability to grow.
 
Thanks. ^^

:eek: That does sound a LOT better. Just by changing a couple of phrases. I'll remember to apply what you said when I go back over what I've written so far and in what I plan to write.

The below is something that I wrote a little while back. It's a Haiku, short and simple yet complex and different. It's the classic 5-7-5 set up. Title is 'First Sight'.

My heart is beating
like a softly beaten drum;
Your eyes piercing mine.
 
The Begining of my Adventure

Dawn was coming, and now the lights in the house went out as the sun came up. I really didn’t want to meet anyone right now I though. I wanted to gain a little perspective on them first. So I climbed up into a tree nearby. When I finally got a good perch, about 30 feet in the air I was looking down at what was the front door to the house. When I saw what I saw the only plausible reaction was exactly what happened.

A faun, mythical creature; half man, half goat; only not so mythical anymore, walked out. I heard his hoofs beat like the sound of a horse trotting on a road. My heard started beating wildly, and I lost footing and the branch below me snapped. The last thing I remember was the faun looking up at me with his bluish eyes; and I fell out of the tree thirty feet and blacked out.

Excerpt taken from, "Epic of Gale"
for more, blog.myspace.com/kevintgale
 
I wish you had let us get a little further acquainted with your viewpoint character before going and knocking him unconscious!


And Amanda, your haiku was excellent!
 
Last edited:
Thanks Papa Joe. I put it on my dA account also, and one guy [a good friend of mine that helps me write the male side to my story] said that it wasn't a correct subject to write a haiku on. He says that haikus were ment for nature. I liked it though. lol. I'm glad that you did too. :]
 
okay.... here's an incredibily long summary but I know I'll get some great advice when its all over.

That said, here I go.

I'm in the rough draft process of handwriting characters for a romance story set during the american revolutionary war. During the war, a relationship between an english captain, Miles Walker, and a young freeborn african-american woman named Julia Carter, who is a steadfast patriot as well.

Both Miles and Julia are devout Christians, but not everyone is for their relationship, especially Miles's older brother Graham, and his father Flynt.

Subplots include...

* the inner conflicts of Walker men
* meaning of christian conduct
* the revolutionary war
* Miles and Julia's relationship
* family loyalty
* sacrifice
* death
* honor


That being said, I'm having trouble writing the prologue of the book. I have it firmly in my head that Miles and Julia are dead at the start, and their story is told within a story.... how to tell it exactly? I want them to be the focus- but not all of the focus

Can someone give me some hints?
 
Ouch!

You need an image, some item, object, arrangement that at the end of the story will come to mean a lot more.

This token, whatever it is, ties the beginning and end together.

Let's be theoretical here. There was an old woman who lived in a house and did not throw anything away. She died alone with no heirs. They were going through the stuff in her attic and saw a bunch of "worthless junk" which should be taken out and thrown on the fire rather than be put in the public auction.

Maybe one of the items is a dusty old diary. One of the workers had a daughter that kept a diary. He thought it might be good for a laugh and took it home to open.

He found the story that is about to relate.

"Dear Diary...how gratifying it is to be able to talk to you about this! Such things as I am about to tell you must never reach another living soul! He looked at me and touched my hand. He who? Why of all folk one of the Redcoats! Yes, we're talking CAPTAIN MILES WALKER! He looked at me, touched my hand, and I could feel his hand press into mine. Oh you might SAY I am making all this out of nothing, but I am a woman, and a woman knows these things. He thinks I'm lovely..."

You might have this guy call his wife and the two of them read long sections of it. Perhaps what goes on parallels something going on in their life. Perhaps they try to look up this person and find a surviving family member to present it to. Maybe it has a life changing effect.
 
wow... that's a pretty good idea. I did a little more writing on the outline of the Walker family, and I'm still making changes, but I'll keep the diary idea in mind....

Now, I'm having trouble writing the deaths of Miles and Julia. I had it first in my head that they were killed at their home, by Miles's best friend whom betrayed them.... but I don't know how to set it up properly....
 
The theme that suggests itself here can be expressed as:

"You're my best friend! How can you do this to me?"

"The Miles I knew died when this woman walked in the door. I don't know you, and I can do this for God and King. I am a soldier and I do my duty."

"Your duty? To shoot me down unarmed like a mad dog?"

He tosses a loaded pistol from his belt onto the floor. "Pick it up..."

The idea being that when the man goes for the gun he'll be defending himself. It is "fair" that way....

Wouldn't it be interesting if the woman made a dash for the gun when her lover wouldn't? And she got shot down? And the two men struggled and the lover got stabbed with the soldier's service dagger?

He looks down at the dying lover. "A curse on you! You made me shoot the woman, you coward!" He stalked out and slammed the door.
 
ooooo the part about being a mad dog and the line about god and king is wonderful.... I forgot the characters have to think, feel, and act like those in the mid 1700's.... :)

There are two important themes I'm also hammering out- God and romance. How would two christians go about it?
 
Well that's relatively simple. No minister of that day ... except for some really daring fellow ... would marry a white man and a black woman.

Either they picked out some sympathetic foreward-thinking person the way Romeo and Juliet did when they sought to be married without their parents' permission, or they might think of themselves being married "in the eyes of God" by pledging to one another that they take one another till death do us part. And perhaps exchanging cheap rings. As in, "One day when this war is over I can afford to buy you a real ring."

EDIT: From here on it's your story. Not because I'm lazy, but because you need the exercise. I've shaped it quite a bit already and I want to stop while it's still your dream.
 
Last edited:
Noooo! Don't leave me! :( I like advice! Lots of advice!

:) Kiddin' aside, I am seriously taking the diary factor into account- jumping from the preseyount into the past seems worth a shot, or having it told to their child through a family friend....

thanks for all the advice EveningStar, I'll have the prologue up soon here for a trial run
 
Non sequitir of the latest:

While contending with the unlimited clutter of my house, I turned up exactly the sort of treasure which could have been irretrievably lost if I had adopted the popular mindless approach of "cleaning up" simply by throwing everything away indiscriminately. I found a copy of Mary's poem. I don't think I ever posted it on this forum, but if I did it was long enough ago that few here would remember it.

My Mary did not boast of herself as a writer, but sometime before she first met me she wrote a poem that she credited to God's literal inspiration. She later used it in the pro-life newsletter we used to distribute; and still later, I recited it at her funeral. Here it is.

"LIFE'S SUNSETS" ​


Each drop of water colors and cools the ocean;
Each grain of sand echoes years of time's erosion.
Each childlike eye discovers hidden wonders in the surf at twilight;
Each life, the same but different miracle, as sunsets before night.

The constant ebb and low of waters since sun and moon and stars were placed;
No chance to change the purpose, nor functions to reverse.
But man, his acts so varied and complex, ephemeral humanity:
A mystery--the beginning of infinity, our spiritual reality.

His purpose--sometimes lost with knowledge.
His function--through wisdon only found.
Each one so precious and unique, alone prepares for time to come,
When LIFE, possessed but never owned, returns again to its first home.
Like grains of sand and drops of sea,
Lost to ourselves in Who will ever be.
 
I like it is very deep and real. Its kinda like Tennyson (not the language but the imagery) and is well rhymed. Overall good job!:D
 
Last edited:
Here is something I wrote that relates to Narnia but mostly relates to my relationship with God. I parodied Jimmy Hendrix's Little Wing.

White Wing
Well she’s gliding through the ‘bows
With a tambourine mind that’s ringing wiles
Snakes and doves
And lampposts and fairy dust
That’s all she ever sings about
Is dancing through the Kingdom.

When she’s sad, I bring to her
A thousand graces, she thanks me with esthers
“Eloi” She says “Eloi”
Let me sail with you through solar fields.
Through the Fields”

Sail on white wing.

Well she’s drifting through the bars
With a nomad mind that’s trekking miles
Dragonflies and horses
And violins and myriads,
That’s all she ever dreams about
Is riding with the King.

When she’s sad, I carry her,
A thousand ways, she praises me with jaspers,
“Fisherman,” She says, “Fisherman,”
“Let me sail with you to Ramandu,
Through the Last Sea.”

Sail on white wing, voyage well,
With the mast of a Catalina
White wing steer the keel to find the Emperor-Over-the-Sea.
Dimly a mirror never will you see
Bring the Treader to her original dwell.
 
Lyrical and evocative! It caused me to have an immediate mental image of seeing you as if looking down at you from Heaven; you were in some kind of grassy park, like the parks along Monterey Bay with which my Mary and I became familiar when I was studying Russian at the Defense Language Institute. And you did a much better job than many would do of merging Narnian imagery into real-world-based imagery.

At this time of day, a military retiree whose only work is done from home is more likely to be available to give you feedback than a student who's actually in classes at the moment.
 
Last edited:
Copperfox said:
Lyrical and evocative! It caused me to have an immediate mental image of seeing you as if looking down at you in Heaven; you were in some kind of grassy park, like the parks along Monterey Bay with which my Mary and I became familiar when I was studying Russian at the Defense Language Institute. And you did a much better job than many would do of merging Narnian imagery into real-world-based imagery.
Click to expand...

Thanks!!!:D;)
 
Back
Top