What if LWW had been written by someone else?

EveningStar

EveningStar

Mage Scribe
Staff member
Knight of the Noble Order
Royal Guard
The purpose of this thread is to post quotes from LWW had it been written by other authors. You can, of course, be silly, but I hope you'll make a serious attempt to do something thought provoking.

I start with Rod Serling doing LWW as a Twilight Zone episode....

A wardrobe...a simple household fixture in which the clothes we wear hang when they are not wanted. This solitary sentinal of the Spare Room is much more. It is a doorway--a portal--into that mysterious and sometimes frightening land we call...The Twilight Zone.
 
Oh, this is like the psuedo-Hemingway and faux-Faulkner contests. Hmm, let me see if I can come up with something...
 
Oh gosh my example in that other thread was horrible...

But I loved the Twilight Zone example xD.

I'm probably not going to post one rofl, but looking forward to anyone who does!!
 
The opening sentences of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice reimagined LWW-style!

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a young British boy in possession of gluttonous tendencies must be in want of Turkish Delight. However well known the weaknesses of such a boy may be on his first entering an enchanted sleigh, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the White Witch, that he is considered her rightful property.
 
Robert Louis Stevenson from "A Narnian Garden of Verses":

Into the wardrobe door they all go
One, two, three, four!
Sky for a ceiling, floor made of snow
One, two, three, four!
Twin sons of Adam, Daughters of Eve
Headed for outings you will not believe
Careful for witches, they're known to deceive!
One, two, three, four!
 
Joseph Heller, author of "Catch-22," might have opened LWW like this:

"When the Allies were being so stupid and crazy and wrong as to oppose Nazi Germany, though they should have realized that fighting never solves anything, at least ONE British family had the sense to send their children away from the immediate scene of action, because everyone with ANY sense knows that all you have to do is run away and people like the Nazis will never chase you...."
 
Shakespeare, from "The Wardrobe of Lion and Witch"

It was in the grip of terrible war that four young waifs from their mothers house made way into the countryside, there to find respite from the crush of battle. In yon quiet hamlet they took their lodgings with a learned Professor of good means. Now be not deceived, for in this buccolic setting a far greater adventure beck'd the likes of which few men have ever known.

Old Testament, from "The Book of Wardrobe"

1. Now it was in the time of King George that the Dacians rose up and mighty men of valor were called forth to battle. 2. The flying chariots of Dacia did furiously descend upon the walls of London. 3. The elders of the city met at the main gate and said one unto another, 4. Let us even unto the country send our children that they might not be slain. 5. And so many wagons of brass and iron were brought together to bear them into the wilderness. 6. And the children and their fathers wept exceedingly.
 
Lila said:
The opening sentences of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice reimagined LWW-style!

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a young British boy in possession of gluttonous tendencies must be in want of Turkish Delight. However well known the weaknesses of such a boy may be on his first entering an enchanted sleigh, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the White Witch, that he is considered her rightful property.
Click to expand...

That's brilliant! :D Perfect!

EveningStar said:
Robert Louis Stevenson from "A Narnian Garden of Verses":

Into the wardrobe door they all go
One, two, three, four!
Sky for a ceiling, floor made of snow
One, two, three, four!
Twin sons of Adam, Daughters of Eve
Headed for outings you will not believe
Careful for witches, they're known to deceive!
One, two, three, four!
Click to expand...

Aww, that's cute! I like line 3 best.

EveningStar said:
Shakespeare, from "The Wardrobe of Lion and Witch"

It was in the grip of terrible war that four young waifs from their mothers house made way into the countryside, there to find respite from the crush of battle. In yon quiet hamlet they took their lodgings with a learned Professor of good means. Now be not deceived, for in this buccolic setting a far greater adventure beck'd the likes of which few men have ever known.

Old Testament, from "The Book of Wardrobe"

1. Now it was in the time of King George that the Dacians rose up and mighty men of valor were called forth to battle. 2. The flying chariots of Dacia did furiously descend upon the walls of London. 3. The elders of the city met at the main gate and said one unto another, 4. Let us even unto the country send our children that they might not be slain. 5. And so many wagons of brass and iron were brought together to bear them into the wilderness. 6. And the children and their fathers wept exceedingly.
Click to expand...

These are great too! xD

They all are, of course, but it's so much more fun to read them when you're familiar with the source being copied.
 
If John Milton, best known for non-rhymed iambic-pentameter verse, wrote LWW:


A family there was in England fair,
Whose parents no ambition had, except
To live a peaceful life, with livelihood
Earned by respectable scholastic means.
The first of Pevensie offspring, a lad
Called Peter, had concealed within his soul
The promise of a manhood valorous;
No mortal now can judge, concerning him,
If ordinary life would have brought forth
His possibilities, had not it chanced
That he, his brother, and their sisters twain,
Were sent upon a journey to the north....
 
Dan Brown, author of The Da Vinci Code....


FACT: The evil, scheming, life-hating fascists of the Vatican have been covering up the truth about Narnia.

FACT: Narnia was really created by Jadis, who fulfilled there the role of Earth-Mother Gaia, setting all persons free to pursue their perfectly natural desire to eat limitless Turkish Delight instead of meat, fruit, vegetables, grains and dairy products.

FACT: Aslan was really a Neo-Nazi, organizing ferocious beavers, fauns, badgers and mice into right-wing death-squads to terrorize poor innocent werewolves and minotaurs.

This is the story about how an easy-going mythology expert, and a beautiful, sexy woman who was available to make the story sexier, found themselves on the run, pursued by the notorious Pevensie assassin-cult, as they unravelled the puzzle of how to prove that Jadis is really the savior of Narnia....
 
Here it is by James Joyce. If you get THIS reference, you're really batting a thousand!

CHAPTER 1 - They Leave Troy

And so it was on the eleventyfirst day before Afterbattle, a mark which stands like Columbus' singed brand upon the map of ignorant men, that four Pevensies, a boy, a girl, yet another boy, and a final girl, did embark willy-nilly upon a quest which was sure to raise a great deal of excitement before things became all nicey-thricy normal, which it did, though not to spoil the excitement, it was a rather circuitous route as an anyman such as you, dear reader, are sure to discover. Which leads us to the price of Treason, a thing not oft spoken of amongst red blooded men of honour and dignity, but not beyond the somewhat circumscribed expectations of a boyprince, namely one Pevensie born Edmund. For him, as I blush to relate, the life of three siblings is mirrored no less in three pieces of Turkish Delight, awash rudderless in a sea of hot tea and frightening uncertainties.
 
P.G. Wodehouse

I pronged my cold bacon moodily, trying to put the finger on why I wasn't feeling the usual spry self. Overhead, the clouds were low and dark, and snow showers whirled down periodically. The landscape outside my window was covered by the usual blanket of deep snow, with the icicles hanging from the bare branches to add highlights. The wind whirled about the castle turrets with a lovely low moan. Even eggs were slimy and undercooked and the toast soggy. In short, it was a perfect day - but I still seemed unable to lift the old spirits.
"Ginarrbrik! Is the tea ready yet?" I called.
"Just now, ma'am," my dwarf replied, coming in with the mug of bitter tea cooled to tastelessness.
"I'm not feeling myself today, Ginarrbrik," I said as I sipped the acrid brew.
"Indeed, ma'am?"
"Indeed. Out of sorts. Off my game, if you know what I mean," I replied.
"'The wide world is all before us - but a world without a friend'," Ginrrbrik said.
"Eh? What's that?" I asked.
"The poet Burns, ma'am."
"Burns, what? Blast the poet Burns, dwarf."
"Very good, ma'am."
"Don't trouble me with the poet Burns, or any other poet, Ginarrbrik. I tell you, I'm not up to snuff today." I sipped my tea and gnawed a corner of toast.
"I'm sorry to hear that, ma'am," the dwarf replied, removing the now-icy teapot.
"I say," I said when he returned to clear away the remnants of the E & B, "How long has it been since we cemented anyone?"
"'Cemented', ma'am?"
"You know - ossified. Solidified. Turned to stone."
"Ah, yes," the dwarf replied. "That would've been over four months, up by the Shribble, ma'am. That marsh-wiggle you said depressed you."
"That long? Well, no wonder I'm out of sorts. Harness up the reindeer, Ginarrbrik, it's time for a sleigh ride."
"Very good, madam," he said, shimmying from the room. I reached for my wand and headed for the coat closet. As I opened the door, I realized this would be the moment of truth. It was now or never. With a devil-may-care spirit, I seized my new acquisition and wrapped it jauntily around the old tonsils. Old Ginarrbrik would have words, but dash it all, either one is one's own witch, or one isn't.
I descended the front steps to where Ginarrbrik had brought the sleigh around. He was tightening one or two things about the harness, and when he turned he shied like a startled wolf.
"M-madam," he gasped, "surely you don't mean to wear that out in public."
Adopting a caual air I fingered my new tartan scarf. "What, this number? Rather, don't you think? Not too bright, not too garish, strikes just the right tone for an afternoon's sleigh ride looking for malefectors to ossify, eh?"
"It's hardly my place, madam," muttered the dwarf, "but you have your image to consider, your public persona you must maintain. Your wardrobe of stark white and icy crystal - I hardly think..."
"Oh, come now, Ginarrbrik," I chided. "It's only a bit of colour - and subdued, dark ones at that." This was true - anticipating the objections, I'd chosen a pattern of greys, dark red, and dark green. "The giants are all about them this year."
"The giants may take liberties with the guidelines of fashion, my lady, but the Queen of Narnia and Empress of the Lone Islands..."
I decided it was time to put my foot down. "You know what your problem is, Ginarrbrik? You're hidebound. Stuffy. Old-fashioned. You'd have me ride out in stiff crinoline and ermine every day of the year if it was up to you. Come on, touch up those reindeer and let's get riding."
"Very good, madam," he replied in a tone that told me I hadn't heard the last of this.
 
Copperfox said:
Dan Brown, author of The Da Vinci Code....


FACT: The evil, scheming, life-hating fascists of the Vatican have been covering up the truth about Narnia.

FACT: Narnia was really created by Jadis, who fulfilled there the role of Earth-Mother Gaia, setting all persons free to pursue their perfectly natural desire to eat limitless Turkish Delight instead of meat, fruit, vegetables, grains and dairy products.

FACT: Aslan was really a Neo-Nazi, organizing ferocious beavers, fauns, badgers and mice into right-wing death-squads to terrorize poor innocent werewolves and minotaurs.

This is the story about how an easy-going mythology expert, and a beautiful, sexy woman who was available to make the story sexier, found themselves on the run, pursued by the notorious Pevensie assassin-cult, as they unravelled the puzzle of how to prove that Jadis is really the savior of Narnia....
Click to expand...

Oh, that was BRILLIANT! :D I love it! xD
 
LWW by Edward Bulwer-Lytton

It was, by all accounts, a most splendid wardrobe, though the term wardrobe is a bit of a misnomer since one expects its primary purpose to be the careful keeping of rainment. And so it was not a wardrobe, and yet at once it also was, being as it contained several large fur coats and at the same time a magnificent portal betwixt our mundane world and another world possessed of talking creatures the like you have never seen for that, dear reader, is the magical land of Narnia, a land whose wonders I am about to relate. Suffice it to say, as our story opens, young Lucy Pevensie ventured perchance (or perhaps by the Will of Aslan, whose potency you shall soon discover!) in blissful ignorance of what her simple act--seeking concealment--was about to unleash upon her older sister Susan and her brothers Peter (the eldest) and Edmund (who was closer to her in age).
 
John, you didn't tell me if I was right about "Ulysses"! Just for that, I'm going to swipe first dibs on..... LEMONY SNICKET!!


This is a story about four appealing and intelligent children. But before I proceed any further, I must regretfully inform you that it is not a story in which the children's lives proceed without adverse occurrences. Therefore, I will understand if you prefer to stop here and find some sugary children's book which contains no unhappy scenes.

For those who choose to remain with me, I explain that the four Pevensie children were living in Great Britain at the time of a major war-- the word "war" here meaning "a situation in which a nation or alliance of nations attempts by armed force to impose its will upon a different nation or alliance of nations." The parents of the four children, who had always tried to provide their sons and daughters with a happy and loving environment, arranged to send them away from the scene of the most immediate danger, to a house in the countryside. Perhaps if Mr. and Mrs. Pevensie had read enough Gothic novels, they would have understood that large old houses, even if owned by good-natured academicians, are no certain refuge against finding oneself in perilous adventures.

But even with a knowledge of Gothic fiction, the parents could not have foreseen that Professor Kirke's house would contain an enchanted wardrobe-- the phrase "enchanted wardrobe" here meaning "a large piece of free-standing furniture, its purpose predating the advent of closets built into the structure of houses, and in particular a piece of furniture that contains a portal into another dimension..."
 
You were right about Ulysses (which by all rights should have carried the alternate title "Odysseus"), and bravo on Lemony Snickett.

I give you Daishell Hammett in THE WARDROBE CAPER:

She knew from the moment she saw the wardrobe that it was trouble. Tall, dark, and with doors that would not stop, it beckoned to her to get involved with troubles her mother would have told her to steer clear from. Lucy was trying to hide. She should have hidden from the wardrobe. Instead, she ran where angels feared to tread, straight into the world of shadows. In short, she was in Narnia.
 
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