What if LWW had been written by someone else?

If the incomparable BILL COSBY were to tell the story in first person from Peter's viewpoint:


I remember when I was a kid, and the Second World War was going on. The kids now don't remember that, unless they have it in an X-Box game. But it was right there in my neighborhood.

You ever try to play a game of street cricket with bombs falling on you? We had arguments all the time about whether to change the boundaries of the playing field if a house got blown to bits and opened out more space. At least we all agreed no one was allowed to bounce the ball off the helmets the firemen were wearing while they fought the fires.

Grownups don't understand street sports.

Our Mom said we had to go on a vacation. So there we were on a train platform, with our collars labelled with our names. I had to look after Old Weird Susan, Fat Edmund, and Crying Lucy.....
 
Originally Posted by Copperfox

You ever try to play a game of street cricket with bombs falling on you?
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That line is hysterical--I can just imagine Bill Cosby reminiscing. :D
 
Narnia, in the style of Harold Pinter:

Lucy: I just went into a wardrobe.
Edmund: A wardrobe?
Lucy: Yes, I went into the wardrobe.
Edmund: (pause)
Peter: You weren't hiding very long.
Lucy: Yes I was, I was away ages.
Peter: How long?
Lucy: Ages. Did you only think I was away for a few minutes?
Peter: Yes, (pause) we thought you were only away for few minutes.
Lucy: Oh, but I was away for ages!
Susan: And I suppose you found a whole new world in there had tea with a saytr.
Lucy: (pause) I had tea with a faun.
Edmund: I don't (pause) believe you.

Lucy runs off crying.

Peter: You didn't have to do that, ed.
Edmund: (pause) Do what?
Peter: You know.
Edmund: No, I don't. (pause)
I know.
Susan: Oh, let's go have tea (pause) and the story will slowly unfold into a world of violence, screwy family ties, repetitive dialogue and pausing!
Peter: Yes, let's do!


And cut.


(please please let someone else know what I'm talking about....)
 
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Modern curriculum approved LWW:

Once upon a time there were four Pevensie children, Kwame, Li Chang, Abdul and Vanessa....
 
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:

Pete Pevensie the fisherman had spent three days fighting the enormous marlin and bringing it to shore. But the periscope of a German U-boat had fouled his net and the marlin was lost. Within sight of home, too.

"Lousy krauts," Pete growled, lighting a cigarette.

Shuffling home with nothing to show for his work but exhaustion, Pete saw his sister Sue and cursed at her. She cursed back, adding, "Why don't you get a REAL job? Like exploring a secret magical country?"

Pete cursed again. "That's no job for a macho man. I'm going to go get killed in a bullfight."
 
The opening to LWW if written by Charlotte Bronte:

There was no possibility of taking a walk that day. We had been wandering, indeed, in the shrubbery an hour in the morning; but since dinner (The Professor, when there was no company, dined early) the wind had brought with it clouds so sombre, and a rain so penetrating, that further out-door play was now out of the question.

I was glad of it: I never liked the outdoors, especially on rainy afternoons: dreadful to me was the coming home in the gray light, with soaked fingers and toes, and a heart saddened by the chidings of Mrs. Macready, the maid, and humbled by the consciousness of my physical inferiority to Peter, Susan, and Edmund Pevensie...​

Heh. I would feel so sorry for Lucy if she was Jane Eyre...
 
Copperfox said:
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:

Pete Pevensie the fisherman had spent three days fighting the enormous marlin and bringing it to shore. But the periscope of a German U-boat had fouled his net and the marlin was lost. Within sight of home, too.

"Lousy krauts," Pete growled, lighting a cigarette.

Shuffling home with nothing to show for his work but exhaustion, Pete saw his sister Sue and cursed at her. She cursed back, adding, "Why don't you get a REAL job? Like exploring a secret magical country?"

Pete cursed again. "That's no job for a macho man. I'm going to go get killed in a bullfight."
Click to expand...

LOL.
Just....lol
 
(Still having to borrow a computer)

FRANK HERBERT, author of the "Dune" sci-fi series:


After completing their morning prana-bindu exercises, the four genetically-engineered siblings from House Pevensie took off the stiff-upper-lip suits which maintained their dry-as-dust British personalities. The Reverend Mommy Juno Titania Yin-Yang Scooby-Doo Pevensie made mystical gestures with a teaspoon and announced, "Time for breakfast!"

The children she had borne as part of a thousand-year-long eugenics program gathered at the breakfast table for their daily intake of MARMALADE -- the magical substance from the planet Jamjarris, which brought out their potential superhuman powers. "We play a dangerous game against our Harkonnen enemies, my memory-carriers," the Reverend Mommy told them all. "But my visualization of possible futures encourages me. All of you are on track to become what you were born to be. Peter, you shall be a fearless Fremen warrior -- provided you can defeat the schemes of Andramsonn the Face Dancer, who will try to mutate you into a useless dorky teenager who quarrels with everyone. Susan, keep up your calculations of the prices of designer shoes and purses, and you will be a successful Mentat. Edmund, you are already almost obnoxious enough to become a true Bene Tleilaxu. And Lucy, though this may deny you a political career, I believe you will make a fine Truthsayer."

"But if I have to speak the truth," said Lucy, "how can I play any part in the Bene Gesserit program of inventing fake religions to deceive people on the pretext that somehow this advances their evolution?"

"Hmmmm, that IS a hard one," her mother conceded. "But I suppose, if we HAVE to, we can include the actual God in this story -- only, have Him appear in a mythical sort of aspect, accompanied by fairytale creatures. Now, children, you need to hurry up and eat your breakfast. We're scheduled to have a scene of staggering violence and bloodshed starting in twenty minutes..."

 
Edgar Allan Poe

Once upon a wartime dreary
As four children rather bleary
Sought to have surcease of boredom
Boredom in that timeworn house
Three were princely, one a louse

Lucy, bless her, found a wardrobe
Lacking rhymes for words like "wardrobe"
I instead pursue her hiding
Hiding through the wardrobe door
Mere concealment, nothing more...
 
LWW - Rocky and Bullwinkle


NARRATOR:
Well, last time we left our heroes they were knee deep in snow and freezing. Why? Because they were looking for their brother who had disappeared half an hour ago, and were worried he might be in trouble.


"Maybe he got tired and went back home through the wardrobe, and is in bed asleep right now" said Lucy hopefully.

"I think he has betrayed us" said Mr Beaverwinkle.


NARRATOR:
And sure enough, he was right. For at that very moment Edmund had betrayed them and gone to visit Dwarfis and Jadistasha.


"Please, Your Majesty.....I'd like some more Turkish Delight" said Edmund as soon as he walked through the door.

"Dwarfis dahling, geet dis boy some food please" said Jadistasha.
"Ahhhhh Jadistasha! I cannot think with all thees racket!" said Dwarfis. "I will call Mr Big and ask heem what I should do."


NARRATOR:
But that was not to be for the severe snow storm had disrupted the operation of Dwarfis' radio, and he could not get through to Mr Big. All the while Edmund was asking repeatedly for more Turkish Delight.

"Ahhhhh!" Dwarfis yelled.
"What shall I do dahling?" said Jadistasha.
"Well, you know what the spy handbook says. When in doubt, Keel" said Dwarfis with a devious grin.
"Very good dahling, I will give him a 'tour' of the courtyard" said Jadistasha with an evil laugh.


NARRATOR:
Will our boy make it out? Don't miss our next episode: Traitor for a Statue or The Ice is Right
 
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Firefly, that was sweet! Will Jadistasha use a Scrooch-gun on her victims?

EveningStar, how about this? "She got dirty in the wardrobe, / So she said she needed more soap."
 
These are absolutely brilliant! I have got the germ of an idea for one of my own. If I can make it in any way presentable, I shall put it on this thread. In the meantime, well done all!
 
NARNIA KIT: INSTRUCTION MANUAL

Congratulations on your purchase of a Narnia Kit! This is the finest Fantasy Appliance from C. S. Lewis Enterprises and should bring you many happy years of service.

Important! Follow instructions carefully and in order to ensure optimal results. For assistance call 1-800-WAR-DROB.

STEP ONE: Verify that you have the initialization kit. One (1) young girl marked "Lucy", One (1) older sister assembly designated "Susan". Two (2) Brothers. Set the sons of Adam and the Susan Daughter of Eve aside. Set the wardrobe (78) upright with the doors facing you.

STEP TWO: Open the doors marked "D" and "E" on the Wardrobe and insert Lucy head upright, working her gently through the fur coat lining until Lucy is completely through. Lucy will join up with the Faun used to hold packages above the snow. At this time the Faun will confirm the humanity of Lucy and they will slip neatly into the cave.
 
WARNING: Do not erase the White Witch file until after the Edmund unit has had all malicious code purged out of it. If the White Witch is destroyed too soon, the whole Narnia system will crash.
 
What about Rick Riordan? They'd have to add two more cabins (for the Sons of Adam and the Daughters of Eve!) And Mr. Tumnus would be a satyr. And the White Witch would drive a silver limo, and the Turkish Delight would contain lotus flowers. The weapons Father Christmas gives them look like harmless toys, but can be activated into the sword, shield, bow & arrows, and dagger. One of the kids could narrate in the same style as Percy Jackson.:D

Somebody with more satirical skills than me, please write this. :D
 
Here is a slight departure. What if VODT was written by Sherwood Schwartz?

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of a fateful trip
That started from Cair Paravel
Aboard this tiny ship...

Sing it...you know you want to... :D
 
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