Redemption

tottyfruitty

tottyfruitty

New member
This is actually my first story on DL, well on any site really so if its not that good then don't be too surprised :p. Comments and critiques are welcome and hopefully everyone will enjoy reading it.

She awoke suddenly with sweat dripping down her forehead. She glanced at the alarm clock as it flickered in the darkness, '5:30' she thought. She wasn't surprised. She had been having the same terrible dream for the past week and she always awoke at 5:30. She got out of bed, slipped her slippers on, and walked slowly into the bathroom. She didnt need the light to see. She stared at her reflection in the mirror and brushed her fringe out of her eyes. They glowed a bright greyish blue. It reminded her of the moon. She splashed water over her face and dabbed it with a face towel. She wouldnt be able to get back to sleep now so she grabbed her jacket and sneaked out of the house, trying not to wake her parents.
She liked walking, it made her feel like she was normal. Her strides were small and slow. The wind blew against her face. She wrapped the jacket tightly around herself and folded her arms. It was so peaceful this time of the morning and the view was breath taking. That was actually one of the reasons she was glad that they lived near the sea. The waves crashed against each other silently and the faint reflection of the sun rising glistened on the water. She stopped awkwardly in her steps. Someone was watching her. She could feel their glare pressing in on her back as if they were right behind her. She quickly turned around only to find emptiness. She shook her head slightly 'imagining things again' she told herself fingering the green crystal stone on her neckless, that sat on her chest. She carried on walking but a little faster.
It was now 6:30, but she didnt notice. To her it only felt like she had been walking for a couple of minutes. She was so far away in her thoughts, still holding the crystal in her hand, that she hadn't noticed or heard loud footsteps approaching her. A sharp grasp caught her by the arm. She stopped walking instantly. Her heart skipped a beat and her body stiffened. The stone glowed slightly but she didnt notice too adistracted by the tight grip now on her shoulder.
"Loralei............Loralei" the voice said.
"You're just in my imagination. You're not real" she kept chanting. The hand swerved her around until she was face to face with the body it was attached to.
"Are you sleep walking again?" he asked slightly amused.
She punched him lightly on the arm "don't do that Austin..........you're always creeping up on me. It's not funny" she replied angrily. Her body relaxed and the stone dimmed, resumming it's original colour.
"I didn't. I noticed you were walking and ran to catch up with you. I even called your name a couple of times but you ignored me. So I thought something was wrong or that you were sleep walking" he explained. "I'm sorry if I scared you".
"No........I'm sorry. I'm just being stupid as usual. What are you doing up this early?" she asked inquisitively.
"Running some errands for my dad" he replied almost automatically as if he had been expecting her to ask.
"This early?"
"Yeah........you know what he's like. He likes to get everything done when it's not too busy"
"Actually I don't..........I've never met him before.."
"Sure you have" he replied laughing "are you sure you didn't bump your head or something?" he aked placing his hand on her forehead.
She moved it away "yes.......you're probably right. I'm so forgetful I wouldn't be surprised if I had met him millions of times and still didn't recognise him" she replied questioning herself.
He nodded "we should get back, school is starting in a little while and you can't afford to fall asleep again especially after last time" he added.
She shuddered slightly and not because of the cold morning breeze. She had never been so humiliated in her life before. she could have killed those girls but he had taught her to control her anger, her emotions and to keep them locked away otherwise someone would get hurt.
 
this sounds really interesting. I am looking forward to seeing where this goes :D I had one suggestion and this something I struggele with in my won writing. Try to start more of your sentaces with somehting other than her and she. this is what you wrote originally:
tottyfruitty said:
She awoke suddenly with sweat dripping down her forehead. She glanced at the alarm clock as it flickered in the darkness she rubberd her eyes, '5:30' she thought. She wasn't surprised. She had been having the same terrible dream for the past week and she always awoke at 5:30. She got out of bed, slipped her slippers on , and walked slowly into the bathroom. She didnt need the light to see. She stared at her reflection in the mirror and brushed her fringe out of her eyes. They glowed a bright greyish blue. It reminded her of the moon. She splashed water over her face and dabbed it with a face towel. She wouldnt be able to get back to sleep now so she grabbed her jacket and sneaked out of the house
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Not using the word "she" to start the majority of your sentences just breaks it up a little and makes it sound less repetitive. one thing that someone told me about two years ago was don't be afraid of description and so I pass that on to you :DThis is the same section just modified a bit.

tottyfruitty said:
<MODIFIED>
She awoke suddenly with sweat dripping down her forehead. Glancing at the alarm clock that flickered in the darkness, '5:30' she thought. She wasn't surprised. The same terrible dream had been haunting her for the past week and she always awoke at 5:30 never aminute past not a second earlier. Getting out of bed she, slipped her bare feet into her slippers, and walked slowly into the bathroom. the little room was dark and she didn't even bother turning on the light, she didn’t need it to see. She stared at her reflection in the mirror and brushed a fringe of hair out of her eyes. They glowed a bright grayish blue. It reminded her of the moon. Quickly she splashed water over her face and dabbed it with a face towel. Going back to sleep was out of the question now so she grabbed her jacket and sneaked out of the house
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but like I said before I am really interested to see where yo take this :D keep it up
 
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Yay my first reader!!
I totally understand what you are saying. I do struggle with that a LOT and I noticed it also. Thankyou so much for your advice! The modified version is much better lol. I shall try very hard to improve! Thanks :D
I'm interested to see where it goes too because this is all from the top of my head lol but I do have somewhat of a plan for the story.
 
Have you ever heard the Latin phrase "in medias res"? It simply means "in the middle of things." As far back as Homer's time, storytellers knew that there was an advantage to starting a story with the action already in progress--in medias res--because then you could immediately start making the audience react emotionally _with_ your characters. Many fledgling authors here need to be told that it can be cumbersome to front-load the entire biography of the characters before any action starts; but you _didn't_ need to be told. Your story _does_ begin by putting the reader _inside_ the situation. Although sometimes it's okay to begin with "setting out the facts" (it worked for Mr. Tolkien in "The Hobbit"), your story is better off for having begun in medias res. A promising start, and you fitted in a good amount of "biography" anyway as your action progressed.
 
KathrynJanewayChakotay said:
Good job I enjoy it. It really drew me in from the first moment.
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Thankyou CopperFox and KJC for the awesome comments! Hope I continue to draw you in.:)

The shower opened at full blast and the sprinkles of water splashed all over her face and trailed down onto her neck. Her mind wandered, as it usually did, and she had a sudden flash back.

It was about two years ago that he had walked into her life and little had Loralei known that things would certainly never be the same again.
It was as if she was back there again. The humid air, the heavy smell and the loud voices were all so clear and very descriptive. Slamming her locker shut she turned around only to catch the eye of a young, tall and handsome teenage boy. Loralei didn't recognise him and she found it very hard to remove her gaze from his and they stared at each other for what seemed like mintues to them but only seconds to everyonelse. His eyes were so bright, so unique and so mesmorising. She quickly looked away and started to walk down the hall where she was submerged by the students who were rushing past her, trying to get to their classes. Glancing back just before she entered her own lesson to try and catch a last glimpse of the charming stranger. To her dismay he had gone, vanished. She looked from left to right, in all directions but he was nowhere to be found. Loralei sighed questioning whethere or not he had even existed. Entering her lesson she ressumed her normal seat close to the front of the class. Only the cool guys could sit at the back, like the jocks and cheerleaders, and everyone else had to deal with it. Loralei didn't mind though. Turning her head slightly to the right, to her amusement, looking directly at her but at the same time past her was the new student. He smiled slightly at her before turning his attention to the teacher. But something was different about him. His eyes weren't so bright anymore and she could now see that they were a darker, duller green.

Her mothers voice brought her back to the present day.
"Loralei it's 8:30" she shouted from outside her bedroom door "you're going to be late" she added.
Shutting the shower off Loralei got dressed at immaculate speed and before her mother could knock on her door again she opened the door and gracefully walked passed her.
"How do you do that? I mean if you were a guy I could understand but us girls..........it's unbelieveable" she commented in amusement "it's like you've got super speed or something" she added laughing a little at how absurd that sounded. Loralei didnt say anything.
 
thats very good, Mya. i have noticed you use ":30" alot. im curious if that is to be anything significant.
 
Haha perhaps Ferny :p thanks for reading it!
I'm glad it was descriptive :). I tried very hard not to use she too much.
I shall write some more when I get back from church.
 
Yay, glad you like it! Thankyou for reading it :)!!

Even though it wasn't even 9:00 o'clock the sun was out, shinning bright, lightening up the sky and putting a smile on everyones faces. Humans always seem to be in a better mood when there was some ray of sunshine Loralei had noticed. It took her a while to understand why but now she knew. Feeling the warmth of the air on her arms and the coolenss of the breeze would bring a smile to anyones face. As she walked down the road to meet Austin at their normal spot she breathed in the fresh morning air and watched the cars go by. Everyone seemed in a such a hurry to be somewhere. Drivers were beeping at each other, pedestrians were hurrying across the road and even the cyclists seemed like they were in some sort of race against each other. She turned her attention away from the road as she approached the corner cafe. There he was, leaning against the wall of the cafe. He always seemed to be there before she got there, not a minute earlier and not a minute later. Coincidence perhaps.
Austin saw Loralei approaching and stood up straight. He looked up, lifted his hand slightly to wave and smiled at her.
He had the cutest smile Loralei thought. It revealed his dimples, he had one on each cheek. Only now, walking towards him, for some reason did she realise why some of the girls hated her so much. Approaching she noticed some things that she had not, for the past year, actually noticed. Firstly he had the build of an athelete, tall and slightly muscular. His hair was full, brown and surf like looking. It sometimes hid his brown, dreamy, capturing eyes that never gave anything away but that were always smiling at you. He had an olive complexion which made Loralei think that maybe he was not fully American but a mix, perhaps Italian.
Loralei had always wandered why he had taken such an interest in her. She wasn't the prettiest girl at the school but not the ugliest either. Most of the new guys always took a likening to the cheerleaders but Austin hadn't. They flirted with him, showed off infront of him but not a single glance or look towards them. Loralei didn't have to do anything, actually she had tried not to catch his attention but he wouldn't leave her alone and before she knew it they had become friends. One day she would ask him but for now she would just pretend that Austin just preferred to hang around with real people with real lives, not plastics living in a fantasy world. Thats what she thought of the cheerleaders which is actually quite ironic seeing as she used to be one.
"Hey" she said smiling when she finally reached him.
"Hey. You seem a lot happier this morning" he replied noticing her smile.
She shrugged "the sun's out and I think my mom slipped something into my drink this morning. Whats there not to be happy about?"
He laughed "I'm just wandering why she didn't do it earlier" he added.
They began to walk. There was a school bus but Loralei hated using it so Austin had decided not to either and instead walk to school with her. "Besides it's healthier and better for the environment" was his reason for the sudden change of mind.
"How come you're always at the cafe before me? I would say it was just a coincidence but for a whole year....it's like you know when I'm leaving my house or something".
He laughed again. Another thing that Loralei liked about Austin he had a somewhat child like laugh which just made him that much cuter.
"I'm just a fast walker, that's all. Besides you live on the other side of town. I'd have to literally fly to your house to know when you're leaving and then fly back here" he explained.
To a normal person that would have sounded impossible but to Loralei nothing was impossible. She glanced at him as they walked and for a second she could have sworn she saw a twinkle in his eye.
 
Actually Twilight is kinda like the inspiration for this story lol but there is a different twist and no vampires/werewolves are involved.
Next installment will be tomorrow :). Thanks for reading!
 
LOL

"So.....your birthday is coming up soon.." Austin began to say subtly.
She shook slightly, her face changed to a slightly paler colour and her eyes became an intense and lightening blue.
"And I was just wandering........" thats about all Loralei heard before everyone and everything seemed to become still. It was like she was in a movie and the viewer had pressed pause. She didn't like this feeling at all for it only meant one thing to her, danger.
Loralei searched the roads, houses, coffee shops and any building within 500 meters with her eyes without moving an inch. She didn't find anything, well nothing that screamed out danger to her. Then she turned her head around and there she was, standing in the street picking up her ball.
She looked about 5 years old, wearing a pink summery dress with ponytails in her hair. Holding her doll with one hand and bending down to pick her ball up with the other, she was completely unaware of what was moving towards her.
The bus driver looked tired with red eyes and bags under his eyes. His hair was scruffy and he hadn't shaved in a couple of days with the presence of a stubbly beard appearing. His eyes weren't even fully open and it looked like he was going to fall asleep at any given moment. The children on the bus were less aware of the man that they placed their lives in.
Loralie looked across the street. There was a woman also dressed in pink, but a darker colour to the childs, wearing a suit and holding a small lunch box, talking to man. She assumed that that was the mother. They must have been having a really interesting conversation for her not to notice her little girl had run into the middle of the road.
Like a lightening flash, and as if the play button had been pressed, everything came back to life again.
She had to think fast.
The bus was still moving and the bus driver hadn't noticed her yet. The little girl picked up her ball but she didn't have enough time to get back to the side walk. She stood there, shaking slightly, and just stared at the big yellow vehicle approaching her.
'Move' Loralei thought anxiously 'move!'.
Was she seeing things for nobody was doing anything about it, not even her own mother.
Austin carried on talking and walking, he had major plans for her big birthday party.
She had two options, either save the little girl and reveal what she can really do but with the consequence of being looked upon as a freak or alien. She didn't like the idea of being taken to a lab and tested on. Or she could look the other way, carry on walking and pretend like she hadn't seen anything. Only to live with the guilt that she let a little girl be killed by an unprofessional bus driver.
While thinking these two options and hesistating Loralei had already wasted too much time. Just as she was about to lift her feet to run towards the girl, the little girl was already back by her mothers side, on the other side of the road. Loralei stood in astonishment. 'Did she just teleport?' she asked herself. She had moved so fast that even Loralei had not seen her.
The bus came to a halt just a few inches after, from where the girl had been standing. The kids looked at each other in confusement. They weren't at any traffic lights why had he stopped.
He looked shaken and pale. He had seen the little girl but just at the last moment and if she hadn't moved he would have crushed her and now he realised that.
Cars behind him began to beep and the drivers started to yell. He was causing a commotion and passers by were beginning to stop due to curiousity as to why he had stopped.
The mother suddenly realised that she hadn't been paying attention to her child and looked around for her frantically only to find she was in the exact spot she had left her. She sighed loudly with relief picking her up.
Loralei looked from the bus, to the cars to the child and mother. She looked at the girl closely there was no way she could have teleported herself, being that young she wouldn't have even known how to. Someone had gotten to her before Loralei had. She nearly let that girl be killed because of her own selfishness. Loralei felt terrible. She looked around trying to see if she could find out who.
Walking away from the scene was a guy wearing a black hoody, dark jeans and a dark blue baseball cap. She couldn't see his face for he had his back faced to her. There was something familiar about the way he walked. If she had been looking at her necklace Loralei would have seen the crystal glowing, very brightly, it would have lighten up a whole room. It was hard to notice though, especially with the sun shinning so brightly.
"Hey.....are you okay? You look a bit pale. Whats going on?" Austin asked finally turning his attention to the streets.
"Yeah........I'm not sure" she lied still with her gaze on the strange but familiar guy. "But we haven't got time to spectate" she added walking but her mind was still on that guy, whether or not he had been the one and how fast he had moved.
"Alright, wait up" Austin said walking after her.
 
~Grateful * Surrender~ said:
*sets elbowes on table and taps fingures together* interesting.....write on....please
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Hehe sorry it took me so long to reply. I couldn't think of anything :p

They entered the school gates which had the writings 'Welcome to Mckinley High' spread across them. Even before you entered the school you would know that it was made and meant for the prestigious and richer people.
Austin and Loralei walked passed the car park. The cars ranged from BMW's to Mercedes and Range Rovers and these kids weren't even 20 yet.
Brianna stepped out of her Mercedes covertable. She placed her sunglasses on, put her gucci hand bag in her hand and locked her car. She walked past Austin and Lorelai.
"Hey Austin" she said giving him her sweetest smile.
"Hey Brianna" austin replied smiling back friendly.
Brianna didn't even acknowlegde Loralei and carried on walking to catch up with her gang.
Loralei wandered where it had all gone wrong with her and Brianna. They used to be best friends, working together, studying together and even co-captains of the cheerleading squad. Maybe it had been because Loralei had quit cheerleading after seeing the way they treated others or maybe it was because a certain guy had chosen Loralei over her whcih was like the ultimate humiliation to Brianna. Her mind began to wander again.

The class bell rang "Loralei could you stay back for a second?" Mrs Smith asked as the class began to walk out of the room. 'Had she done something wrong'?' Loralei wandered as she packed her things away and placed her bag over her shoulder.
"I was just wandering if you could please show the new student, Tristan Everwood, around school for today and perhaps the rest of the week. It is a very big school and he's going to need some help finding his way around" she began.
"Sure" Loralei replied "but why me?" she asked
"Well frankly you're the nicest student in this school Loralei and I think you'll be more willing to help Tristan than the others" she added smiling.
Loralei smiled "then I'll gladly help him" she replied leaving the room.
Tristan was standing outside waiting for her. She nearly bumped into him.
"Hi.........I'm" he began to say.
"Tristan" Loralei finished his sentence unintentionally "Mrs Smith told me" she added. "I'm Loralei".
He smiled "and you're going to be my guide for the rest of week?"
"Yes"
"Great where should we start?"
'He's keen' she thought. "Well I could show you the library and then we'll just go from there. So you're an exchange student?" she asked as they began to walk. Mrs Smith had told her that Tristan was a transfer student.
"Err yes.........kinda" he replied.
"From Europe?"
".............sure"
Later she would find out that when he said tranfer student that wasn't exactly what he meant.
"I've always wanted to go there. I'd love to go to Spain and Italy oh and France".
He laughed slightly "yeah they're great places and the sites are unbelieveable. You should go some time, maybe in the summer"
It was the strangest feeling but Loralei was so comfortable around Tristan. It was like they had known each other for years and were just having a general chat. She felt like she could tell him anything even though they had just met.
"I would but I'm just too busy and besides I don't have the money" she replied. "Well this is the wonderful library where I spend most of my days" Loralei added accidently 'oh great. So now I sound like a total nerd' she thought kicking herself mentally.
"Wow. It's huge" Tristan replied looking around the library. "So you read a lot?"
"Yes........well I'm not like a bookworm I just like to read occassionally"
"What kind of books?"
"All kinds really. I used to love comic books.."
"What? Like the ones with the super heroes?" he asked interrupting her.
"Well yes".
This conversation was begining to sound more like an interrogation.
"Anyway moving on........"
"You mentioned you had a job"
"I did?...........I work at the Ice Skating Ring"
"Cool. Are you like an instructor?"
"Yes. How did you know?"
"Well you look like someone who's good at skating. I can't skate. The ice is just too slippery for me" Tristan said.
Loralei laughed "it's not that bad once you get the hang of it. If you want when you're free sometime I can teach you" she suggested. 'What on earth! You have only known this guy for five minutes and already you're offering to help him skate' she thought.
"Sure, that would be great".

She felt a knudge from beside her.
"So whats the answer Miss Watson" Mrs Smith asked from infront of the class.
"Errr.....X equals 244" she answered.
"Correct. So maybe you were listening" her teacher replied a little shocked that she had gotten the answer right.
She looked around. She was in class, how long had she been gone for.
It was Austin that had knudged her "Loralei....I can't believe you actually got that right. You weren't listening were you?" he whisphered.
She shook her head. Another ability that Loralei had was that she could be miles away but subconsciously still be aware of everything that was occuring around her.
 
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