Spacebullies Two: The Search For More Parody

On the watery planet Kudkubkiztik, a wearer-less Green Flashlight splashed down into the northern ocean. It moved of its own accord, past reefs and grottoes, until it found a male Kudkubkiztikan of maturity equivalent to an eighteen-year-old human male. It fastened itself to the base of one of this young fellow's antennae-- then spoke to him.

"Chubkripdak of the Yellowshell Whelk Settlement! Like all of your people, you were made aware when Grakabikrak of the Boiling Rock Settlement became the first of your people ever to join the Green Flashlight Corps. I am the Flashlight fixture she wore into battle. and it is my sorrowful duty to inform you that Grakabikrak has passed into the Deepest Beyond. You are her chosen successor.

"Grakabikrak's career was brief but glorious. She died to protect the innocent, and the righteous cause she fought for ultimately succeeded. The Janitors of the Universe are unanimous that, in her honor, her Flashlight must be passed on to another member of her species.

"Now brace yourself, and don't be afraid. I am about to transport you to Planet Wawa, where all new Green Flashlights are trained. Conditions there are liveable for you, and your new instructors will answer your questions. Once you understand how to use your new powers, you will be sent back home, and from then on you will have considerable independence in your actions. You have a noble example to follow, but you will swim the path as honorably as Grakabikrak did."
 
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At an office in the United States on "Urth," telepath Charles Crazier straightened in his wheelchair, as if startled by something.

His two guests noticed this. "Did someone just contact you?" asked Dmitri Leonidovich Tarasov; and Lumina Banshee added, "Or did you sense a disaster somewhere?"

Professor Crazier smiled and relaxed. "Actually, it's good news. Remember Twerpseid of Awkwardlisp?"

"Not likely to forget him," replied Aluminum Banshee. "Contrary to his intentions, he produced a good result here on Urth, by creating the opportunity for Stella, Scalpie and me to join the side of the Cossacks."

Dmitri, alias Tapper Cossack, raised his eyebrows. "Isn't the expression in English supposed to be 'the side of the angels'?"

Lumina virtually tackled him now, exclaiming, "But my angel IS a Cossack!" The hand at the end of her left arm, now tightly wound around the Russian hero's neck, was wearing a diamond ring, which Dmitri had given her eight days ago. While they were passionately hugging and kissing (again), Professor Crazier resumed his explanation.

"It appears that divine providence pulled a surprise on Twerpseid. A version of our Urth which had not possessed any superheroes became a target for conquest by him..... but suddenly ACQUIRED a new set of superheroes, whose combined might is barely inferior to the Justified League, if you leave out Corky and Clara." (This referred to Urth's versions of Superman and Supergirl.) "An Awkwardlispian invasion was waged over a period of around one week, jumping from continent to continent. They were defeated on every bridgehead, beaten by everything from powered-armor users, to creatures out of their Asia's mythology, to wonder dogs, to a sort of side-of-good undead woman.

"And that isn't all. The good guys on that world CHASED TWERPSEID BACK to his own planet, and CONQUERED IT."

Dmitri looked at the Professor, then at his high-pitched sweetheart. "Let's celebrate by having the wedding tomorrow!"
 
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Planet Srirachiss:

Stillneater Ashtrayides, grandson of Jazzica and the late Duke Neato, hovered around the work being supervised by Tutti Howizzit in the far north of Srirachiss. Without waiting for Felicia Baenboox and Alec Hurdygurdy to complete their own construction project on Planet Waterpark, the leadership on Srirachiss wanted to get a new ship spaceborne. It was well and good to have Naughtygators Roundabounder and Haxxadoff now in Ashtrayides service, but the true goal was to command interstellar flight WITHOUT the help of Naughtygators.

Princess Eerilake of the downfallen House Calamari, whose sympathies were with House Ashtrayides, helped any way she could; and since the ship under construction was to be barely half the size of HER non-Naughtygator-dependent ship which was the template, work was proceeding well.

But a disturbing anomaly was to occur when the shipbuilding was within three days of completion.

Stillneater was sleeping in one of the rack-bunks aft of the control room, when his most extraordinary dream in two years occurred.

First he was on Waterpark, seeing his grandfather Neato as a young man. The young Duke in the dream was tramping along a fishing-industry wharf, swinging a barbed whip at every commoner in reach. Neato moved on out of the boy's field of vision, and then Aunt Trala-Lalia came along the same waterfront, using her flying spoon to tangle nets and untie mooring lines.

Then, with the same scrambling of time, Stillneater beheld HIMSELF, ten or twelve years older than he was. Staring at himself, he saw himself changing into something like one of the Habanero monsters.

The last thing he saw before waking up was a human face, which he had seen once in a review of classified information. It was the face of a Lazytaxie named Dizwarn, who was known to be in current Snarkonnen service. Dizwarn, seeming to be inside the parked ship, sneered, "Goodness is a joke! Hope is a lie! Happy endings never even get started!"
 
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Our versions of Marvel's Thor-story characters and of Star Wars-slash-Spaceballs characters were still searching for the sources of the same kind of evil Stillneater Ashtrayides had just dreamed about. For a break from routine, Lady Sniff of Hallpasscard had stepped off of the magical space-motorboat, and shoehorned herself into Mopey-One Kanoli's A-Frame fighter. Temporarily displacing the droid Eight-Ball (and leaving her sword behind) helped the gorgeous immortal swordswoman to fit inside.

So she could converse with him about their different lives. Especially---

"Master Kanoli, why have you and that singing warrior--?"

"You mean Moose Windchime, who plays the blues guitar."

"Right. Why have you and he never taken wives? The more so since, meaning no offense, your life expectancy is so much briefer than ours?"

"My lady, it's BECAUSE our lives are short. I have nothing against love and marriage, nor has Moose. But in a universe with evil afoot on every side, and with us up-siders being specially equipped to COMBAT evil, we need to make our lives COUNT for something. I would like to have what you and Thorpe seem close to having; but my duty comes first."

Sniff reflected, but didn't say aloud, that maybe Thorpe, though having a far longer lifespan than Mopey-One, really had the same life-motive. She knew that Thorpe's slowness to marry her was NOT about him having a string of girlfriends; he didn't. But Thorpe knew there weren't many other heroes who could carry the load as he could.
 
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On the planet ruled by the converted-to-goodness anime monster Mugwumpa, the long-armed creature sat beside a campfire, talking with Lady Teerifica-- the real one-- and her soldier father Weapons-Man.

"The last time I tried to conquer a version of Earth, I used broadcast media to extend my influence. I needed-- I should say I wanted this-- all the help of that sort I could get. The China of that Earth had already thrown off Communism, so it was that much LESS of a suitable power base for me."

"Is this drawing parallels to Alwaysurnia?" asked Weapons-Man, referring to his and Teerifica's home planet.

"Say that I'm looking for parallels. I needed influence on my side when there was less total power for evil on that world. From what you've told me about Alwaysurnia, your position there was very strong. Mighty Male and Sorcery Lass had Skamartistor's people on the defensive. I believe it must have taken some new outside influence to give Skamartistor so much added power just like that."

"Are you saying that Skamartistor himself WASN'T really overthrown?" Teerifica asked.

"I believe this was a false flag. No one on the side of good would attack YOUR people at the same time as attacking the evildoers; so if there truly was an outside invasion in the usual sense, it was being waged by evildoers. Like what I used to be. And if Skamartistor was being attacked by powers that were also evil, self-preservation would make it natural for him to appeal to you for help. So I believe Skamartistor is actually pulling all the strings there."
 
At a high school in the West Africa of "Terra," in the gymnasium, Backy Shedd (parody of Winter Soldier) and his wife Carly Shedd (parody of Harley Quinn, converted to goodness as was my OTHER parody of Harley Quinn) presided over a large psychological support group. Carly had engineered this, both because the group activity could help dozens of patients at one time, and because this way her superhero husband could be part of the treatment of others.

What the teenage and young-adult participants in the big circle had in common was that all of them had lost loved ones to, or had at some time been hostages of, the now-destroyed Boko Hassan terrorist gang. The tales they could tell were too gruesome to be repeated here; but all of the participants took some comfort in the fact that justice had overtaken the murderers.

Hearing the trend of the discussion, the Principal of the school was the only one dismayed by what he was hearing. "Begging your pardon, Doctor Shedd, how can my students move forward in life if they are encouraged to be JUDGMENTAL toward people who are merely a little different from them?"

Not many beautiful women could stay just as beautiful when they were as taken aback as Carly was. Carly managed it, while saying to the Principal:
"Are you serious? The Boko Hassans KIDNAPED AND KILLED hundreds of people, and that's ONLY being a little different???"

The Principal acted even more fake-righteously-indignant. "You're a psychiatrist; you should be more open-minded! By imposing YOUR narrow morality, you're no better than the Boko Hassans!"

But before Carly, Backy, or any of the therapy participants could say more, three rifle shots cracked from someplace above. The gymnasium had an overlooking balcony.... and on that balcony, holding a high-powered rifle, stood Richard Berhanu, alias The Javelin. He had shot the apparent Principal through the head. The meaning of this was fortunately clarified by two facts:

ONE: What Javelin had just killed was not the Principal at all, but a green-skinned humanoid.

TWO: The actual Principal was standing beside the African hero, looking as if he had been beaten up.

"Carly! Backy! Students! Nobody leave!"" Richard Berhanu shouted. "That thing which pretended to be the Principal is called a Skrunk! I think it was the only one in this building, but wait where you are. The Brickhawks, and local police, will come in shortly with dogs, which can smell the difference."

Eventually it was confirmed that everyone else in the school building was human; but the good guys of Terra had a new menace to cope with now. Conn Johnstantine the wizard was the first superhero not on the scene whom Javelin called.
 
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On that Earth which enjoyed the existence of anime heroes and a NON-Communist China, the female President of that China put out a request for superheroes to come see her in Beijing. Hua Choi-La explained that two of the Spacer Swimmers were at her office.

Green Flashlight Lucy Luminous had not yet gotten home from defending Earth-Whichever; but Bahavish Ogoshi came from India, Combatalot from the Philippines, Masked Biker from Japan, a towering warrior from Uganda called Black Giraffe, and Banjolorian Dim Jargon from right there in Beijing. Dim Jargon was accompanied by his blind but self-reliant wife Ying Tien-Hai.

No one had ever blamed Black Giraffe for not coming to China during the previous crisis with Mugwumpa; his own country had had its own zombie plague then. But he was fascinated to meet the Banjolorian. He told Dim and Tien-Hai his own true name, Nabirye Jared; Ugandans were like the Chinese in putting a surname first. As a reciprocal courtesy, Dim did something he had taken to doing with new acquaintances: showed the tall man the life-mask which had been made of his face, thus technically not showing his actual face.

Representing the system's guardian immortals in President Hua's office were two with whom Dim was already acquainted: the black-haired, fire-wielding Swimmer Mars, and the green-haired, time-bending Swimmer Pluto who still was the most perfect and beautiful anime heroine anywhere ever no matter what.

Mars told the others: "Elder sister Pluto sensed in the currents of time that a great change had occurred with the escaped monster Mugwumpa, who had eluded Green Flashlight Lucy. So I used my clairvoyance to search for Mugwumpa. The news proved good indeed. Mugwumpa settled on an obscure planet, and against her expectations, the pure-hearted natives CONVERTED HER to goodness." Everyone else present was delighted by the news.

"Since that time," said Pluto, "a new element has entered the situation. Mugwumpa and her adopted people have given asylum to escapees from a planet called Alwaysurnia. That planet was conquered by an alliance between its own leading villain, and an outside power. Dim Jargon, the 'outside power' definitely is, or has a connection to, the mysterious evil which your Master Yoga-Rug is concerned with."

Madam President put in a word: "We honor the soldiers who followed their conscience on Tienanmen Square, and so joined the students who called for freedom. If Mugwumpa has renounced evil, we ought not to abandon her to some still-evil power which may assail her any time."

"You have my vote on that," Black Giraffe declared.
 
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We now return to Planet Punksteema!

Around a campfire, a mule, a saddle-deer and two ponies relaxed, confident that no predators were near. Indeed, none were. This was in the coastal north-continent nation of Tablanor, one of the most scientifically advanced and well-governed countries in Arcondoyla.

Tablanor even had telephones; and since crossing its western border, the gunslinger-knight Ronald of Goliad had availed himself of the opportunity to call government offices all over the country. He had identified himself to the equivalents of sheriffs and county commissioners; most had at least vaguely heard of him. He had truthfully explained his open-ended mission to cultivate new Towermen, and had briefly described his two lately-acquired apprentices, D'Kovo Pril from Hukshem and Otto Kergoff the descendant of Sir Edgar Pallendin.

The three travelers' camp was not hidden; they were camping with permission on the land of a prosperous retired sea captain. D'Kovo was talking about various adventures of Razibi his elder sister and her husband-to-be T'Pinnok. Sitting in with Ronald and Otto to hear the tales were some persons attached to the estate: a steward named Henry Cole, his wife Lois, their adolescent daughters Robinette and Filippa, and Lois' adult nephew Carlos. Carlos had a wife and two small children, all of whom were asleep in the manor house.

Robinette and Filippa were especially intrigued by Razibi in Hukshem being trained in Smoke Maiden skills. Nobody in Tablanor prevented women from learning to handle weapons, and a few Tablanoran women had become police constables within the girls' lifetimes, but no actual Smoke Maidens had been permanently based in this country for the past three decades.

After hearing how Ronald himself had made a start in Razibi Pril's training, Lois shook her husband's arm. "Henry, don't you think Sir Ronald would like to meet Zoralee?" Henry smiled, nodded, and made a go-ahead gesture to Lois. Ronald and his two students waited to hear what the steward's wife would say.

"We know a woman who lives far off, in Gromstark, but who sometimes travels far and wide. She isn't officially a Smoke Maiden, but she's the daughter of one. Her name is Zoralee Jeralo, and she is a private investigator. Just once, she came all the way to Tablanor to hunt for clues about God knows what. We never found out what she was investigating; but Captain Rothermill already knew of her, and-- with Missus Rothermill's consent-- put her up in the best guest room at the manor house. As far as I know, she's back in Creekport now, that's her home town; but if you really plan to circumnavigate Punksteema, I'll wager you'll meet her there."

Ronald looked over his shoulder, looked right out of the story, winked at the people reading it, and casually remarked, "Why, yes, I imagine that I might indeed be pleased to meet this woman."
 
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Next morning, the moon of Punksteema was rising in the west. Yes, I said west. Like Original Earth, Punksteema rotated counter-clockwise as seen from above its north pole; and like Earth's moon, Punksteema's moon revolved around the planet in the same direction as the planet's rotation. The reason why Earth's moon appeared to be moving the opposite way from Earth's rotation was because Earth completed each rotation much faster than its moon could progress in its far-off orbit. Punksteema's moon was like the two moons of Mars: it was close enough in, and moved fast enough, that the parent planet's rotation could not outrun the moon and reverse its perceived course.

D'Kovo and Otto slept in, and Ronald allowed them to. After making sure the animals were well --even the saddle-stag was comfortable with him by now-- he walked a spontaneous patrol. On an outward spiral, he walked half a mile from the manor house, then back. On his way back to his camp which was close to the house, his keen ears picked up the ring of a telephone. He understood the things, but he still preferred telegrams, because those allowed him to say only as much as he wanted to say.

After enough time had passed for whoever answered the call to speak with whoever had called, Ronald was not overly surprised to see a man emerging from the house, looking agitated. What surprised the Towerman was the fact that Captain Rothermill himself, half dressed, was the man coming toward him now.

"Sir Ronald! I have to ask you: are you now ONLY a teacher for future gunslinger-knights, are you still a knight-errant on your own account?"

"Captain, while I still have the use of my eyes, my limbs and my wits, I will be riding the Towerman's path as a warrior at least some of the time, even if I raise up a hundred new gunslingers who all perform their duties better than I can. Closer at hand, I owe you something in any case for letting us camp here and giving us our supper."

"God be thanked. Something has happened overnight, possibly the most horrible thing to have happened in Tablanor in the last two years."

Ronald reflexively cast his eyes in all directions. "If it had to be told to you by telephone, it could have happened quite far away. Please continue."

The Captain clenched his fists by his sides. "Too many of us here in Tablanor have begun to imagine that our possessing modern science and craftsmanship should have made our land immune to manifestations of spiritual evil. But the men of the Tablanor Compass Line have been most cruelly disabused of this error." Rothermill was referring to the railway network of his country, which spread out to eight points on the borders or seacoast, and crossed into neighboring nations at all of the inland points, at least far enough to facilitate the transfer of railway freight to boat or wagon transport within those other countries.

Captain Rothermill was a stockholder in the railroad company. He continued:

"Tree trunks were laid across the tracks in front of one of our trains. And when the train pulled to a stop, it was..... boarded. But not by human beings."

Ronald glanced at his campsite, then turned back to his host. "Please give me your best judgment, sir. Is this new situation so dangerous that I need to leave the boys behind for their safety?"

"Probably so. Sir Towerman, I have sailed into battle with midshipmen on board who were scarcely a year older than your apprentices. But I was not leading them into battle against...... undead creatures."

Out of a vest pocket, Ronald brought forth a drawstringed leather bag. "I've been saving this for many days. The vials contain doom-rat blood, which you may be aware can be used to reinforce other wards against evil. I give it to you to use as you think best. Now, tell me more about these undead creatures, so I know what I'm up against."

"You have my perpetual gratitude in advance, Sir Ronald. But are you sure you don't want to keep your doom-rat blood, if you're going to fight the ghouls?"

"Not necessary. It shows how much the world has forgotten. The ghouls are the ones who need help. It is part of a Towerman's anointing that I can slay ghouls, even vampires, with ANY weapon-- even, potentially, with my hands. Not that I'll refuse capable help if I can get it. Is there a minister in this district who has ever come up against real evil?"

"Parson Silas Larkburg. He is mighty in prayer.... AND he owns a lever-action rifle with silver-coated bullets. I can reach him by telephone."

 
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At Saint Kung-Sar Free Church (named in honor of a Christian saint of this planet), Silas Larkburg already knew of the undead appearance along the railway, and was already taking action. Members had gathered at the church-- a building which no evil supernatural being had ever been able to enter in the centuries since it was consecrated. Many were praying against evil; and a gunsmith was working with a jeweller to manufacture silver bullets of every caliber that existed in the congregation's arsenal.

The telephone in the parson's office rang, and presently Joanne Larkburg came out to tell her husband that the last Towerman was on the line for him. Though over sixty years old, Silas proved he could move quickly.

"This is Parson Larkburg speaking. Are you Ronald of Goliad?"

"The same. Good spirits on my own continent helpfully transported me to Arcondoyla, and gave me gifts to help me in my mission. What you face here has just BECOME part of my mission. What can you tell me about these ghouls or whatever?"

'Firstly, they are neither vampires, nor mummies, nor zombies. 'Lich' might be the term for them. They appear to be sentient, self-aware beings, not needing to feed on people in any way, unless it be in some abstract mode, like being nourished by human fear."

"How many people were killed on the train?"

"Mercifully, if we can call this mercy, no one was KILLED. But every adult among them, EXCEPT for several persons known to be consistently close to the Lord Jesus, was left sunk in a madness of terror. With the same exceptions, every adult human being on the train had ONE EYE injured or gouged out altogether. And even the children, though neither maimed nor out of their minds, were certainly frightened."

Ronald's long sigh was audible over the telephone. "Children spared, physically. This would NOT be because the liches felt merciful."

"Indeed not. I believe that God heard the prayers of His close followers last night, and limited the amount of harm that the monsters were permitted to do. And the train may have had wards against evil in place, which helped to lessen the harm done. But God clearly does not plan to do ALL the work for us-- or He would have destroyed all of those undead beings before they could even start their assault on the train."

"All right, Parson, I'm on my way."

And Ronald's mule brought him to the front door of Saint Kung-Sar within the hour. "Who is prepared to go north with Parson Larkburg and me? I need at least one man who can guide me to the scene; and this man should be a good shot."

He got four suitable volunteers immediately. He had them draw lots, and one was left to stay at the church as a guard, because Ronald did want a spiritual warrior with his party.

Seeing that Silas also rode a mule brought a smile to the gunslinger's dark face.
 
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"You men: have any of you ever been up to Felruda?" Ronald was referring to Tablanor's neighbor country on the north and north-by-northeast. Of Tablanor's eight radiating railroad lines, two extended a fair distance into the neighbor country: farther than any of the other border-crossing routes.

Irving, the eldest of the men besides Parson Larkburg, pointed at the youngest man. "Pierre works as a locomotive stoker when his family can spare him from their farm."

"Yes, sir," Pierre affirmed. "I stand heat well, because I've also stoked forge fires for the blacksmith my family does business with. In fact, Reinhardt, he's the smith, got me my first chance to work on a train, one time when the company hired him to repair some iron parts from a locomotive."

The third volunteer, Zeke by name, put in: "And Pierre's sharp enough that he soon picked up a nice chunk of the Felrudian language."

Ronald nudged his mule closer to Pierre's horse. "Excellent! I need to bring myself up to date. In all your dealings with Felrudians, have any of them said anything about undead creatures appearing on THEIR soil?"

"Not clearly and openly, sir. There was talk a time or two about unexplained murders, but no one told me who it was that DID those murders."

"All right. Now, the last time I was in Felruda was when Wyatt Hickok and I were new Towermen. We signed on with Felrudian constables, to help hunt some dangerous carnivores: perilous beasts, but not magical. We did, however, hear many tales about knights and yeomen from the centuries before gunpowder and steam engines. Now and then it would be said that this or that medieval Felrudian person committed a crime, or dabbled in dark sorcery, so as to bring this or that everlasting curse on himself."

Here the Parson spoke up: "Yes, that kind of story is common. Since there IS a God Who is displeased by evil, it isn't so incredible that persistent evil could call down some curse on a bad man's head. I once had a part in slaying a vampire; she hadn't become a vampire by being fed on by a previous vampire, she had become one because she devoted her human life to selfishness and cruelty. The same has occurred with humans who turned into liches."

"But only in recent history," Ronald observed, "have steam locomotives existed, for the curses or grudges of dead souls to have any connection with railway travel. "Has anyone reported, by telephone or otherwise, about trains being halted because of the night attack?"

"Not that I've heard," Silas answered, "But not much time has passed yet."

Ronald signaled a halt. "Parson, is there a telephone line which crosses the Felrudian border unbroken?"

"There is one at the border crossing over that way;" Silas pointed north-by-northeast. "But not at the crossing toward which we're moving."

"What direction was the train going when it was ambushed?"

"West to east, on a stretch of track fully internal to Tablanor."

"So if the liches came down from Felruda, the place where the attack happened would have been a logical spot for them to arrive at."

Silas nodded. "Yes, if the creatures didn't originate here in Tablanor."
 
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NEXT SUMMARY!

Back on Master Yoga-Rug's home planet, Moose Windchime is gradually growing closer to the beautiful ex-criminal Melodica. Thorpe, his Warriors Four, Mopey-One Kanoli and Pro Dashalong are still searching for the ultimate source of all the poisoning of stories.

Twerpseid goes all in on his invasion of that Earth where I show versions of Iron Man and She-Hulk. "She-Hunk" uses her strength to capture a female enemy warrior named Tapidri, then uses her kindness to win Tapidri over to goodness. A series of battles brings multiple defeats to Twerpseid. Not without casualties for the heroes; notably, the lobster-like Green Flashlight Grakabikrak dies a heroic death. Near the end, the Native Australian hero Dreamtime Chieftain changes thousands of Twerpseid's Pukedemons back into the normal people they used to be. This enables a counter-invasion, turning the tables on Twerpseid. The Starship Grunts turn up to help the good guys here.

Erica Vincent, my female counterpart of Brandon Lee's character in "The Crow," delivers a finisher by draining all super-powers out of Twerpseid, Trippenwonk, and Twerpseid's surviving adult children. Then, before going to Heaven, she transfers all of this power to her husband Preston, making him the most powerful character on his Earth, in fact more powerful than Superdude whom he hasn't met.

On Seedubb Earth, Jazzica and Gladiola Ashtrayides have been reunited with Groan Starr and Trala-Lalia. One Seedubb character, Zoorama, has left Seedubb in search of a hero who is available for her to marry. She finds her man in my version of the pulp hero Doc Savage, and they contribute to the victory over Twerpseid.

Back on Srirachiss, Stillneater Ashtrayides and other good guys continue the effort to develop starships which are not dependent on my version of Frank Herbert's "Navigators."

On "Urth," Tapper Cossack and Aluminum Banshee are as good as married now. On "Terra," my version of Skrulls have begun an infiltration. On "Latterdawn," the human colonists are saved from Galactikang by Marysuefire. On the Earth where anime characters exist, good guys including The Banjolorian discuss the recent conversion of the monster Mugwumpa to goodness. They have in mind to assist Mugwumpa's adopted homeworld against a possible evil invasion.

On Punksteema, we rejoin my version of Stephen King's gunslinger hero from the "Dark Tower" series. He gets drawn into the mystery of undead creatures haunting the land of Tablanor.
 
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SEEDUBB AGAIN:

In the apartment made available to them at the Spark Laboratories complex, Princess Vixen awoke and yawned, then saw that Groan Starr was already sitting up. "Is there something wrong, darling?"

He twisted around to kiss her cheerfully. "Far from it, everything's RIGHT now! I had a breakthrough in my Fuss perception. I can finally distinguish mere telemarketers and Nickelback fans from actual evildoers!"

Vixen sat up also. "Then let's get my in-laws in on this."

They were soon joined by Jazzica, Trala-Lalia, Bunkem, Gladiola, Puke, Bot, and a research intern at Spark Labs: Luke Fixxit, son of Batfellow's leading technician. Luke had been developing a hero persona, "Flatwing," to work with Batfellow and Evening-Wing. When he heard that Groan felt more confident about locating bad guys, he told everyone: "I'm already a licensed helicopter pilot. Prince Groan, if you want to get on the chase quickly, I can be ready to pilot you very soon."

\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \

Less than two hours later, the Spark Labs helicopter took off, with Flatwing at the controls. Groan Starr, Jazzica and Gladola rode with him. For extra muscle if needed, Spiderweb-Man hung onto the landing skids, while Cyberdork flew alongside by his own power. Puke and Bunkem took the Selenium Falcon into the air, accompanied by an armed Vixen (still wearing her blonde wig), Bot Index, Captain Patriot, and Raisin of the Teen Tryouts.

Groan didn't look at anything. With eyes closed, he focused all his mind through The Fuss, willing himself to know where some villains could be found. After three sweeps around Generic Large City, he concluded that no SUPER-villains were currently lurking nearby; but for sure there were plenty of "regular" criminals to be found. Once Jazzica, Trala and Gladiola declared that their own Jalapeno intuition was in agreement with what Groan was perceiving by The Fuss, the helicopter, the cyborg and the starship all descended like the wrath of God onto an especially mean street in The Bad Part Of Town.

Eighteen men, and four women, who had been engaged in crimes too horrible even to mention on a family-oriented forum, were captured with lightning speed.... and were "gently persuaded" that it would be very good for their health to confess ALL their evil deeds to the police without holding anything back.

This was, perhaps, a small step for Groan Starr as a proper up-side adept; but it did marvels for his confidence.
 
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Communist China on Seedubb was essentially interchangeable with Communist China on Original Earth. As with "original" Communist China, this China attracted evildoers who didn't like having to obey the laws of a constitutional, representative government.

Here on Seedubb, the most promising Western evildoers of this type to visit China were the brilliant scientist Lex Loozor and the veteran schemer Red Headbone. They had come to China many weeks ago, as a way to avoid being caught by Free World superheroes. And they had guaranteed their own welcome in Beijing, by bringing specimens of technology stolen from Spark Laboratories. These included computer-network improvements, ultrasound emitters designed to keep a prisoner docile and submissive, and best of all, design information on the Anti-Villain Device. (Loozor would not, for the present, reveal or discuss any of HIS OWN inventions.)

This last item had proven to be especially welcome in Chinese Communist Party circles. The systemic repression of individuality in China had always militated against any individual, no matter how devoted to Marxism, being allowed to acquire anything like superpowers. There was, accordingly, every incentive for the Beijing oligarchy to grab something which could counter the powers of a NON-Communist superhero. Lex Loozor, with Red Headbone officially described as his assistant, was guaranteed comfortable housing in the Beijing suburbs indefinitely.

All of this was kept strictly secret from Green Flashlight Ryan Pebbles, when he flew to Beijing to talk with Chinese leaders about the recent arrival on Earth of Groan Starr and Company, including Groan's relatives who had arrived more recently. The first official meeting was presided over by a highly-placed middle-aged woman named Hui Kai-Ma; the next-highest-ranking official present was also female: army-intelligence officer Colonel Yung Lei-Shao. Four other participants, all male, seemed to be there to take notes, not to speak.

Colonel Yung spoke the first line of substance: "We have extensive land-based and orbital video of three spacecraft approaching Earth during the past two months. First, the small one your friends describe as unmanned and belonging to a hostile world. Second, the ship named Selenium Falcon, which has operated locally with no concealment for many days. Third and much more recent, the ship whose entry to the Solar System coincided with your own. The last ship, not surprisingly, is especially mysterious to us."

"I can freely tell you what I know. The third ship was carrying additional persons from the same cluster of worlds as Trala-Lalia and Bunkem Isotope of whom you already know. One, Jazzica Ashtrayides, is the mother of both Trala-Lalia and Groan Starr. A young woman named Gladiola Ashtrayides is Jazzica's granddaughter, and the niece of Groan Starr and Trala-Lalia. Anyone else on their ship is along to assist them."

Here was where Secretary Hui took over. "Are these people here to carry on their war against the people called Snarkonnens and Lazytaxies?"

"Certainly Groan Starr, and the American superheroes, all want to neutralize the threat of the Snarkonnens and Lazytaxies. But to the best of my knowledge, Jazzica's party set out in this direction with no definite knowledge of actions by those enemies here. They just wanted to find Groan Starr and his wife, to be sure they were all right."

Secretary Hui self-importantly remarked about how refreshing it was to be told something openly by a Western capitalist. She spoke in this way, knowing that if Ryan wanted to, he could kill her and all the guards and escape cleanly-- but equally knowing that he would never do anything of the sort. And of course, while cynically pretending to believe that honesty by Westerners was unusual, she was keeping the secret of Lex Loozor and Red Headbone being in China.

Ryan went on telling Secretary Hui various facts about activities of the offworlders, refusing to be baited when Colonel Ying asked rude questions. Near the end of the meeting, as if by an afterthought, Hui asked whether China would be given complete design specifications to all three starships.

This was what ended the meeting. Ryan put up a bulletproof screen; and just before he left the building, he answered the question: "No one in America is trying to dictate to our visitors whom they can talk to about their technology. If Groan Starr and the others want to share tech with you, no one will try to prevent it, unless by mere persuasion. For my part, I'll facilitate giving that information to you AFTER you stop arresting dissidents, and AFTER you stop running your manufacturing base on the slave labor of political prisoners."

No one was so stupid as to try to bar Green Flashlight from departing. But they still didn't tell him anything about Lex Loozor and Red Headbone.
 
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After everyone was as confident as they could be that Ryan Pebbles actually had left China, Hui Kai-Ma and Yung Lei-Shao moved on to the next item of business. In view of the possibility that this world's Green Flashlight still was watching from outer space, the secretary and the colonel drove by separate, roundabout routes, in ordinary cars, to come to the house their "guests" now occupied, arriving ten minutes apart.

First of the two officials to arrive, Colonel Yung was met at the door by the only other Westerner to have come to Beijing with the two master crooks: the tough-yet-lovely Marcie Glaze, a former thief who was crazily in love with an uncaring Lex Loozor. Red Headbone, for his part, already had three uber-beautiful Chinese girlfriends, all of whom were government agents (thus no jealousy among them). All of those women respected Marcie as a colleague, but none of them was present at this time.

Waiting for Secretary Hui, Colonel Yung talked cordially with Marcie, who was frankly glad to have made female friends in China. When Hui arrived, Marcie withdrew after giving Yung a sincere smile.

Lex directly asked how the meeting with Green Flashlight had gone. Secretary Hui described the conversation accurately, having no reason to do otherwise. This gave Lex the opening for what he wanted to bring up-- in fluent Mandarin Chinese, but courteously pausing to explain parts Headbone failed to follow.

"Green Flashlight personifies what is possibly the number-one problem you face with metahumans: directed-energy attacks. Besides Green Flashlight, Cyberdork, Blue Junebug, Zoorama, Doctor Unusual and Marysuefire can all do this." (It was much too soon for most people on Seedubb Earth to have any clue about Zoorama leaving this planet on her successful quest to find a man who was a direct equivalent of Brutus Dwayne.) Lex looked at Red Headbone. "Yohan here has been actively involved with my efforts to deal with this threat. Yohan?"

Headbone gave Lex a nod, then turned toward Hui. The Secretary said in decent English, "If you're more comfortable speaking in English, go ahead. I speak it fairly well, and the Colonel's English is flawless."

"Thank you, Secretary. Colonel, you know all about reactive armor on tanks and personnel carriers. And we both know that some Western superheroes, like Cyberdork, possess advanced personal armor. In my mercenary career, I worked extensively on vehicle-armor improvements. If your military community is interested, Lex and I can work with them on developing higher-quality body armor for our troops, incorporating energy-reflection qualities. Ten thousand soldiers with good armor might well outweigh one superhero with good armor....."
 
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Most of Harpy Nickelworth's new psychiatric practice took place at a mental-health clinic sponsored by the Dwayne Foundation. Located in the north suburbs of Urbanopolis, it was far from the SOUTH suburban area where Opposite Whoosh, El Ogro Feo and other villains were lying low, and none of those villains placed any priority on threatening a mental clinic more than fifty miles distant, even if its premier therapist had become friendly to Batman.

Today had been a good day, professionally, for Harpy. The monstrous woman (monstrous in moral character, not in external appearance) Chilly Frost had been captured by the Teen Tryouts. She had been trying to liberate her non-powered but very smart ally The Baffler from prison. The just-returned Marysuefire had secured the victory by blocking all of Chilly's freeze-blasts when the Tryouts closed in on her. Baffler had gotten away, but this was outweighed by Chilly Frost's arrest. By the time this happened, Cyberdork had constructed a second Anti-Villain Device, which was allocated for the exclusive purpose of keeping Chilly unable to escape. It had been determined that Harpy, who knew Chilly personally, would be the one to psychoanalyze her when a court ordered it.

Even without counting this plum assignment, Harpy was heartily enjoying her successful return to psychiatric practice ....ALMOST as much as she enjoyed being married to Alphonse Roderick Nickelworth. Around the time when Green Flashlight Ryan Pebbles concluded his meeting with Chinese officials, Harpy was between appointments, and was lying nestled in Alphonse's arms. She had good news to tell him.

"My dearest fish-and-chips, do you remember the speech I gave you in the Bat-Grotto, when Yoga-Rug and our magic pals had shown me the light? Remember what I told you I intended to do for you?"

Alphonse was no dimwit, and he had been fully involved in the behavior intended to achieve the situation he believed she was announcing. But he knew that she adored his cool-and-calm demeanor, precisely because this was part of the opposites-attract dynamic between them. So he forced himself to pretend a complete absence of emotion.

"I believe," the butler deadpanned, "that you are alluding to the birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees."

Harpy snuggled closer to him. 'Them, and the sorceror. I asked Doctor Unusual could he foretell how soon I'd get to be a mommy. So he cast a finding-stuff-out spell, and told me I've BEEN a mommy since Wednesday night."

Less than thirty seconds after she said this, they were making love with frantic joy.
 
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Green Flashlight Ryan Pebbles went from seeing Chinese officials to seeing United States officials. After he had told the President and others everything about his visit to Beijing, he next headed for Generic Large City to report similarly to the Teen Tryouts and the Spark Laboratories personnel. From there, he went as covertly as possible to Urbanopolis, to stay a while with the Dwayne family. Brutus and Saltina's daughter Elaine Jane, and the inventor Virgil Fixxit with his son Luke ("Flatwing"), were the first members of the household to welcome him. Virgil was especially attentive to everything Ryan could report.

Brutus and Saltina came home next, with Alphonse and Harpy arriving soon afterward. The latter two were visibly even more happy than they usually were, but the cause of this was not questioned for the time being.

In the discussion, Brutus/Batfellow focused on the fact that Ryan had met only with mid-level authority figures, though clearly competent ones. Eventually, Brutus looked at his wife and remarked, "My impression is that, while genuinely interested in anything Ryan would tell them,the Chinese leaders didn't want HIM to get interested in something else they had going on."

"That sounds plausible," said Green Flashlight. "Brutus, you keep tabs on all known criminals. Who hasn't been seen lately? Whoever you think of, they could be in China now themselves."

"As a matter of fact, quite a few of them are lying low these days: Opposite Whoosh, El Ogro, Scarycloak, Red Headbone, Lex Loozor, that weird guy with paper airplanes, and those extraterrestrial shape-changers."

"And China's a very big place," put in Elaine.

"I just remembered something unrelated," said Ryan. "When I visited the Teen Tryouts, Beef Boy wasn't around, but I didn't ask about it. More than enough on my mind without that. Is anything special going on with Beef Boy?"

Saltina/Catfemale beamed with delight. "There sure is! Beefy is legally adult now, and one inch away from getting engaged to Princess Reelnyce!"

Ryan smiled back. "Right, I remember her and her father now."

Luke Fixxit smiled almost as brightly as the others. "No awkwardness in that marriage. Beef Boy can biologically BECOME a merman of her own race, for as much of the time as he wants. Then when he wants to visit back to dry land, Reelnyce can come along, because she can breathe air too."

"The fish-folk have plenty of scientific resources," Ryan observed. "If they've got something which can help us round up the bad guys who are still at large, the Princess could come ashore to confer with Spark Labs personnel."

 
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>>> CHANGES OF SCENE FOLLOW.

On Planet Toofah-Roff, the green people possessed only one subspace two-way radio station. They had not felt a need for more interstellar communication than this, because friendly aliens visited here often enough of their own accord. But one day, an adult-male Toofah-Roffian came riding on an Aerodactyl to the riverside town where Yoga-Rug's niece Bestbaya lived.

"Are Moose Windchime and Zubdookree here?" The messenger, a member of the space-radio crew, did not say "Are the up-side Fuss-users here?" because many Toofah-Roffians possessed Fuss powers, and all of these were on the up-side.

A local boy ran to the riverbank, where Master Moose, Adept Zubdookree, Bestbaya and Melodica the ex-criminal were fishing. "Moose Windchime, Zubdookree! There's a subspace message from someone called Fizzra Teenybopper!" This got the attention of the foursome, all of whom hurried back to town.

The Aerodactyl rider handed a written message sheet to Moose Windchime, who read it out loud to everyone within hearing.

For anyone belonging to the Up-Side Fellowship, and for anyone loyal to the Republic of Lots of Worlds! This message comes from the boy with a slingshot. Anyone who knows the brave Captain Noherra Synthmusica, or who knew the gallant Master Klayman, needs to pay attention.

After the death of Emperor Porkanbeen, the most widely-known down-side Fuss user still at large was Dark Headgear of Planet Spacebull. It was he who facilitated Bob Snooze’s campaign against Planet Directvideo. Prince Groan Starr’s victory over the Spacebullies was good news, but made the Republic of Lots of Worlds complacent. And another evildoer, seeming less important because he has no super-powers, is profiting by the Republic underestimating him.

Admiral Thuglife Skrawn, formerly a fast-rising officer in the service of Porkanbeen, took his fleet beyond Republic space, and surviving down-side Fuss users rallied to him. They are now the Popquizzitors. By spying on Skrawn, I’ve seen that he keeps a good standing by treating his Popquizzitors, ship captains and ground-force leaders with respect. I’m convinced that he is more mature than to focus only on individual power. He might not refuse a chance to become a new Emperor himself, but he would rather obey someone else than lose his dream of a tyrannical society.

I know that up-side masters know who Skrawn is, but I don’t think any of them know about the newest allies he has acquired. In zones of space beyond the Republic, there are some people called Snarkonnens, who share Skrawn’s love of dictatorship, but who have DIFFERENT science and methods. They’re not omnipotent, but our not knowing exactly what they can do makes us vulnerable, and our knowing that there IS a different threat will help us.

I will find Master Yoga-Rug, or some other up-side leader, if I can, to share as much information as I have. May the Fuss be with you.

Only when he finished reading the message did Moose Windchime realize that Melodica was pressing closely against him from behind, with her arms around his waist. He did not shake her off; in fact, he swiveled around and embraced her in return. Everyone from the town smiled at the sight, and they all acted as if it were perfectly natural for the following discussion to proceed WHILE Moose and Melodica held each other close.

During the discussion, it was Melodica who first remembered to mention to the rest that Master Yoga-Rug and Groan Starr were aware of the existence of the Snarkonnens. When she shared this with the others. Moose abruptly experienced a "Shatterplace" intuition. I already realized that Melodica loves me with absolute and profound sincerity; but her businesslike way of contributing to the conference testifies that she has the practical qualities which, if getting married at all, any up-sider needs in a spouse.
 
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On “Anime Earth,” in this Earth’s NON-Communist China, top-tier shipbuilding experts had followed The Banjolorian’s directions to build a new starship, whose design was a larger counterpart of his original ship. Named the Tienanmen Square in honor of China’s rejection of Maoist tyranny over thirty years ago, the new ship was intended to facilitate the purpose the Spacer Swimmers had advocated: venturing into space to render assistance to the converted-to-goodness monster Mugwumpa. The new ship, which would be able to accommodate twenty-five persons, was now close to ready for its first flight trials.

Whichever of the Spacer Swimmers might go on the proposed expedition would not need living quarters on the starship. They could live in vacuum, and could go for many days without food. Mortal superheroes would of course be transported on the Tienanmen Square; and Dim Jargon’s Chinese wife Tien-Hai, thanks to her father’s kung-fu training, was to be counted as one of the fighting complement, because of her almost-magical ability to fight in absolute darkness. But spacecraft based on a Star Wars-ripoff sub-reality wouldn’t just fly themselves.

A naval staff-captain, Shao Li-Chu, whose career was in personnel management, had selected the best available military personnel for crew billets. The first ones assigned were three men who had flown first-line fighter jets. The Banjolorian would give them classroom instruction in the workings of his smaller original vessel, then would take them aloft in his ship, to let them start observing his actions at the controls. Captain Shao, meanwhile, would select a combat surgeon, and three or four servicemembers who worked with nuclear reactors and could be retrained to tend the starship's power plant.

The rest of the slots would be filled by people qualified to fight in defense of Mugwumpa's world.

Captain Shao gathered all the superheroes who had previously spoken with China's President. These were joined by Swimmer Moon and Tuxedo Dash. At this conference, the Ugandan hero Black Giraffe remarked, "Until this trip, I've never been outside Africa, let alone flown to an alien planet. Are we certain that Mugwumpa's new home base has air and water that won't poison us?"

"Never fear," Swimmer Pluto replied. "That planet is inhabitable for humans. If anything, it's even MORE inhabitable for a man who can eat and digest grass and tree leaves.'"

"I wish Lucy Luminous would come home," said Captain Shao. "Of mortals on our Earth-- apart from you, Dim-- she's the only one who has first-hand familiarity with other worlds."
 
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It is time to remind readers that Prince Andy of Planet Alwaysurnia, known also as Mighty Male, had a sister.

Princess Advila was Andy's fraternal twin. When they were born, Sorcery Lass had warned their parents of a hidden danger. Evil immortal fantasy beings, like Soreheadmort and Inexorable Trash, would be angered and alarmed if a brother and sister who BOTH were high-grade superheroes should appear on a fantasy planet like Alwaysurnia. So, for the safety of both siblings, Advila, the sister, had been taken away to Planet Anoxia, a world friendly to Alwaysurnia. The twins had grown up not even knowing that the other one existed.

At the time when Advila was adopted by the King and Queen of Anoxia, that planet had been enjoying safety and peace, in contrast to Alwaysurnia being perpetually threatened by Skamartistor. It was, however, just one year later that the good-hearted adoptive parents had been overthrown by the monstrous villain Crowdhack. Rather than use magic as Skamartistor did, Crowdhack favored the same course as the Lazytaxies: developing science to the level of being LIKE magic. In order that Copperfox would not have to describe a cold-blooded murder at this point, Crowdhack had merely exiled Advila's adoptive parents into a plotline-convenient comicbook-type outer dimension.

Advila, like the War Witches of Awkwardlisp, had been raised to be a ruthless warrior in Crowdhack's army-- or at least, as ruthless as she could be in a juvenile sub-reality where hardly anyone ever actually got killed. But when she was twenty years old, Advila was enlightened-- by a visit from her unknown brother. As directed by Sorcery Lass, Mighty Male had come to Anoxia to introduce himself to her, and to give her a power-sword of her own. This had quickly transformed Mob Captain Advila into Princess Advila, alias She-Wow, sworn enemy to Crowdhack.

Fast-forward to the narrative present time, and we find Advila on a reconnaissance excursion with one male and one female friend. The man was called Bowstring, and was the best archer on Anoxia; this would have been a more impressive accomplishment in a world which DIDN'T have directed-energy weapons. The woman, called Winkyblue, was remarkable for super-eyesight. She could even see around corners. Right now, the three were spying on what seemed to be an evil research facility, established by Crowdhack to develop evil weapons.

Winkyblue had been first to figure this out-- because, before there had even been a line of sight to the building, she had been able to see a sign on the security fence, which said: "EVIL RESEARCH FACILITY."

Once they had a good idea of the layout of the place, She-Wow led her friends back the way they had come. They would return with a larger force, once they had formulated an attack plan. The highest priority for the plan, of course, was that it must allow them to APPEAR to be seriously fighting their enemies, without anyone actually being killed. This consideration was one which even the bad guys tended to observe.
 
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